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The Quiet Cost Of Quitting On Yourself · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Quiet Cost of Quitting on Yourself.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here wherever you're listening from and whatever you're doing while you listen, driving, commuting to work, maybe you're in the gym or on a walk, making dinner, folding the laundry, mowing the lawn, whatever.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, this week's episode is one I'm calling the quiet cost of quitting on yourself.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about that what's the point energy or mindset and where that comes from, what it's really doing, and why it feels like you're keeping yourself safe, but it's actually keeping you small.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's quitting on yourself, right?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's about the voice that tells you not to bother, there's no point, not to hope, not to try.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The one that feels like it's self-protective, but it's actually quietly a form or a pattern of self-abandonment, right?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And there's there is a pattern that I see in my clients, and for want of a better way to describe it, it is that what's the point kind of energy or mindset.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I was listening to a podcast by another coach who I know really well, Robin Gooding, a business coach for women, particularly mothers.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I heard her speak on this recently, and I was reminded of so many conversations that she and I have had over the years about this exact thing in both her clients and in mine, and it's quitting on yourself, on your business idea for her clients, or on your hopes and dreams for yourself, your relationship, your marriage, your life for my clients, quitting on that before you've even allowed it air, let alone given it a decent shot, before you've given it enough air or time to even become something.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's that what's the point of even trying energy?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I see it in people who connect with me and in clients who are wondering whether to stay or leave a relationship or a marriage.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I see it in those who are in the messy, hard middle parts of separation, divorce, and I even see it in those who connect with me after their separation, after their divorce, after the decision has been already made.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's deeply self-protective.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to take a risk that might not pay off.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And while I can understand it, I can understand that aversion to risk.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: One part of my job as a coach is to not allow my clients to quit on themselves when they've they've self-declared, they've declared their goal, their dream, their desire, what they want to achieve, how they want to show up, the life they really want to create for themselves.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Part of my job is to hold that dream and that vision with them, sometimes even for them, when it feels too much or too big or too hard to not let them walk away from it, not quit on themselves, not stop showing up for themselves, not let go of the big dream they have for their life.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I do that not in a punitive way, not with a big stick, but just with gentle accountability, holding them gently to what they say they most want, without any layering of shame or blame or judgment, because it's not my dream, it's their dream.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And a part of that is belief, believing in them, so they then believe in themselves, believing in the dream, the vision they have for their life, because I know from personal lived experience and from coaching and holding others through creating it, it's possible.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It might not work out exactly as you plan because life, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Life never does, but holding that vision with and for my clients is part of my job because I know I know what's possible.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know you can do this even if it's a hard thing, because you've already done incredibly difficult things, you've walked through that fire so many times in your life already.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what this really is, this what's the point mindset, this quitting before you've really tried, is protection, right?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's self-abandonment wrapped up in a layer of safety, of smallness, of keeping ourselves and our ego safe.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the psychology of it is real, and it makes complete sense when you understand what's actually happening in your brain, when you understand the mechanics and the why, why your brain talks you out of the thing, the life that that you actually want.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's about tolerance and it's about our tolerance or our appetite for risk.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever worked with, say, a financial advisor, they'll quantify your risk tolerance and build a profile and an investment strategy around it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So the plan they help you create for your money, your financial life, aligns with what you're actually comfortable with.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And now the same principle can be applied more broadly to life.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: This mindset, this what's the point mindset is self-protection because if you quit before you even try, you can't get it wrong.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can't fail.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you put it down, if you let go of the hope, the dream, the vision before you even start moving toward it, you can never not reach it.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you can never fail.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Our ego doesn't like risk, it doesn't want us to fail ever because failing feels bad.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the ego ego's answer, your brain's answer is don't even go there.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, don't even try.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: That way we're protected from the shame and disappointment of getting it wrong, of failing, right?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: We never have to deal with failure, rejection, sunk cost of trying all the things.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: But there is still a loss in not trying.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's even grief in it.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: The grief of a hope, a dream, a goal, a life quietly slipping away from you or being minimized, let go of, pushed down, squashed down, and a part of you gets squashed down with it.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this kind of loss and disappointment isn't coming from the outside, it's not coming externally, it's not from them, whoever they are, it comes from within us.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's the grief of saying no to yourself, saying no to your own dreams, and that carries weight, right?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It carries its own quiet, aching grief, unseen, unrecognized pain.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: The pain of never having gone for it, never having given yourself a real chance at the thing, at the life.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Fear makes us sabotage ourselves, sacrifice ourselves, sacrifice those hopes and dreams we have for ourselves in our life rather than risk disappointment or failure because that feels bad.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So our brain is protecting us or trying to protect us, but what we need to do instead is actually expand our tolerance for risk, for sitting with and in the hard stuff, for moving through big, heavy emotions, even disappointment, failure, for being in the presence of that fear without letting it drive.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And what I want you to remember here is you've already done hard things.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole bank of evidence, your personal, private, life evidence that proves you've got what it takes.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You've gotten through every single one of your hardest days.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: As toy as that sounds, it's true, right?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you've already got evidence that you can do hard things.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're faced with a choice that sparks fear, induces fear in us, a stretchy decision that pushes us out of our comfort zone, a hope, a dream, a goal that feels really big.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what we tend to do.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, we globalize it, we make it about everything, not just the decision itself, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not just the thing.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: It stops being about one choice and becomes about our entire life, our entire existence.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I know a decision about whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage is a big one.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It carries real long-term weight and consequences, but it doesn't actually have to define your absolute everything.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: We make decisions, all or nothing, right or wrong, when really there's always layer layers and nuance and complexity, right?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're when you're faced with that decision, and perhaps staying or leaving a relationship is not a great example because it is massive, but when you're faced with the decision, do I go for it, this thing, or do I not, make it about the thing, not globalizing it about absolutely everything.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing we do is really personalize it, and we have this running internal commentary that's really when you strip it all back about worthiness.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I need you to hear: your inherent worth is not contingent on your marital status, it's not contingent on the success, failure, longevity of relationship, society and conditioning, and all that that heaps on us might trick you into believing it, but it isn't.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So don't personalize the decision, whether it's a big one like stay or leave or a smaller one.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: No one else is really looking at your decision or judging your decision, or if they are, does that really matter to you?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Who matters to you?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And do you matter more to yourself than they, whoever they are?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing I want you to remember is that action defeats fear.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I was going to say courageous action defeats fear, but in fact, any action forward toward the goal, the life, the thing, the version of yourself you want to bring into the world, any action forward will push us up against our fear.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Doing the scary thing though creates evidence.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: A growing bank of evidence, an increasing, expanding bank of evidence that you can.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can do the hard thing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: But when we lead from fear, that's when we paralyse ourselves.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: We anticipate the worst outcome rather than hope for or expect the best.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: We anticipate the worst and we don't even allow the best to be a possibility.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: We play it safe, we trade a fulfilled life, even if that's a solo one, for the illusion of safety, right?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a version of you in that that you never get to become.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So action defeats fear and creates a bank of evidence that you can do hard things in spite of fear.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we actually break through the why even bother mindset?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: That feeling of, well, there's no point.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's no point trying, there's no point going for it, there's no point asking for the thing, asking for the pay rise, asking for the change in relationship status or relationship, asking for separation, divorce, whatever the thing is, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: How do we break through that?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, is name it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Name it for what it is.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Name it as fear, name it as apathy, name it as self-protection, name it as resistance or avoidance.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Call it your brain, your ego doing its job to keep you safe.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean do this with kindness and compassion for yourself, without shame, blame, self-criticism.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is trying to keep you comfortable and safe, so be compassionate with it.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, brain, but name it.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Name what is happening here.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just that this hope, this dream is too big, so I'm not even going to bother because I'm not good enough to go for that.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what's happening here, right?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is your brain tricking you into staying where you are so that you don't experience the discomfort or potential risk of failure.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing you do is redefine your relationship with disappointment.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And no, I'm saying disappointment, note, I'm saying disappointment here, not failure, right?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Think of building or shifting or changing, redefining your relationship with disappointment and think of it like training a muscle, right?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: We get better at sitting with disappointment through practice, but often I'll say to my clients, start in those lower stakes situations to build this and gradually build your way up.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: The more you practice tolerating discomfort, the better you get at handling it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it might be returning you coffee because it's not quite right in the cafe, or it might be having a really hard conversation with your partner.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: But start small and build your tolerance so that you can redefine your relationship with not getting the outcome you want exactly.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Third thing is regulate your nervous system.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'm talking about what's happening in your brain, you can't just wrangle your way through it, you can't logic your way through this.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: You actually need to create safety in your body first.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever helps you feel calm, grounded, emotionally settled, regulated, do that.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I find somatic practices are especially powerful here.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it might be as simple as box breathing.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: In for three, hold for three, out for three, pause for three.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Often it can help if you extend your exhale.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it that signals to our nervous system that we're safe.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: A longer, a longer exhale than inhale is really simple and easy somatic practice that you can put in place to help regulate your nervous system.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: It might be for you getting out into nature with your bare feet on the ground, it might be cold on the back of your neck, it might be movement, dance it out, shake it out.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever helps you and signals safety to your nervous system, do it in the background while you are working on redefining your relationship with disappointment, etc.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the fourth thing to do is to focus on the gain, not the gap, right?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this came from Robin's conversations with Robin, but also directly from her recent podcast.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there's going to be a gap between where you are and where you want to be.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where you are and what you want to achieve.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's going to be a gap, and our brain tends to focus on that gap.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's too much, it's too big, you'll never get there.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: What's the point?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: There will be in that gap hard things to move through, and I'm not minimizing that at all.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Separation, divorce, reorganizing life and family afterwards, legal, financial, emotional, practical weight of it is real and it's hard.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: But the gain, focus there, which is why always with my clients, I begin at the end.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want life to feel in two, five, ten years' time?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Focus there.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: A life lived on your own time terms.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You in the driver's seat, living in alignment with your values, whatever they are, your goals, your hopes, and dreams, full agency over your own life.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: You living your version, your best version of life and fully.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Showing yourself and others, yes, even your kids, that you are worth it, that you are strong, that you back yourself, that you can give yourself the life you know you're worthy of.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: So focus on the gain, not the gap.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Focus first on the gain, then come back to where you are and think what is my first step forward?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: What is my next best step forward?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Action defeats fear.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Courageous action moving forward defeats fear.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they're the four things, right?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Name it, recognize it, acknowledge it for what it is, reclaim, reclaim, redefine, how about your relationship with disappointment?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a bit of fear in there too, okay?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Regulate your nervous system so you can do this and focus initially on the gain, not the gap.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Gain first, come back to where you are.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's my first, what's my first step to bridging that gap?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: There is always uncertainty in life, right?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: But if we set that aside just for a moment, if we pretend that uncertainty of outcome isn't on the table, what is on the table?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: What is possible?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: A life fully lived on your own time on your own terms, the knowledge that you gave yourself and your children, if you have them, the greatest chance to live as the best version of yourself.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't give up on yourself, you didn't quit on yourself, or on your dreams, or on that little kid who's still inside you, who did have the biggest dreams for their life, that teenager who just knew what they wanted, that inner knowing, that niggle, that whispers, there is really, there really is more than settling, more than staying small, more than letting go of the hope, more than quitting on yourself, more than saying, what's the point, and not giving it a shot.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: On the other side of that is a version of you that didn't settle.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You backed yourself, you trusted yourself, and yes, there will be hard things that come up.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: You will have to sit in and move through difficult moments.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: And also, there is a brighter version of life waiting.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: The life you already know, you intuitively know, is on the other side of the hard.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: So this will come up for you.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: It will meet you at all the different points along the way through the questioning of relationship, of marriage, through separation, through divorce itself, and absolutely as you build the life you most want for yourself on the other side.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when it does, I would invite you, I want you to see it not as a setback, but as an invitation, an invitation to trust deeper, to hold tighter to that vision that you have for your life and come back to yourself, to what you really, really deep down want for your life and work through that process that I've offered you to not quit on yourself.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, in closing, I'd like to leave you with I don't like the word homework, but that's kind of what it is, right?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just as I do with my coaching clients, something to help you not just hear this message but embody it to take that first step, right?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Action to feel things shift even just slightly.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, what is one small thing, one small action that you can take this week to move the needle, even just a little on the it's not worth it mindset that might be running underneath all your other thoughts.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: One small thing.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to message me once you've done it, you don't even have to tell me what the thing is, just the I did the one small thing, that'd be great.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can celebrate you the way I do with my clients and remind you to celebrate yourself.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: One small thing, one small action.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here doing whatever it is you're doing while you're listening to this.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: I so appreciate you.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: And please, please share this episode with someone you know and care about who is quietly quitting on themselves, who is asking hard questions about their life, love, relationships, marriage, divorce, and who needs a little nudge about what it can really look like to choose yourself fully, unapologetically.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here until next week.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.