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How To Move On When You Still Love Someone · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: This Relationship Coaching Group LLC podcast is for general information and entertainment only, not professional advice.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: The full disclaimer is in our show notes.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to your Relationship Coaching Group podcast, where we keep it real, keep it light, and never lose sight of the importance of self-love and self-worth.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: So grab your favorite drink or your steering wheel and let's break down the patterns, behaviors, boundaries, and red flags that can help us build healthier relationships and stronger confidence in ourselves.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get into it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're trying to move on, but you still love them, you think about them, you still remember the good times, and every now and then your brain starts filtering out all the reasons the relationship ended.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you've ever said, I know I need to let go, but I don't know how to stop loving this person, you're not alone.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach with a background in behavior science, blending real science with practical advice.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And we're here to help you understand not just what happens in your relationships, but why.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're talking about how to move on when you still love someone, without pretending you don't care and without losing yourself trying to hold on.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: But before we get into it, I would like to say hello to my co-host, the professor.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, professor.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hello, hello, hello, hello.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think about our topic today?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be a good one.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So let's begin.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've got my coffee, I'm good to go.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I've had a couple myself.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: But first, we're gonna talk about loving someone doesn't always mean you should still stay.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: One of the hardest relationship lessons is understanding that love and compatibility are not the same thing.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: You can love someone deeply and still recognize that the relationship isn't healthy, it's not fulfilling, nor is it sustainable.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes we think, but if I still love them, shouldn't I fight for the relationship?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Professor, what do you think about that?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: We've covered this topic before.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I take this is a deeper dive.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's a deeper dive, yes.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: We we've yes because we're diving in deeper.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know that a lot of feedback we've got has been concerning this topic.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it's low is one of the hardest things for people to do.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: So So the the subject right now is is if someone still loves that person, they sh they think that should they should fight for them?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's like having a one-sided discussion.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you love that person doesn't mean you fight, because the fight not may not be in the other person.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I agree with that.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's that that it that is not a road to take.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because you see, love is an emotion, and a relationship is a choice that requires communication, compatibility, trust, respect, effort, and mutual commitment.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: So what you're saying is just that it has to be a two-way street, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's an old saying, pick your battles.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So in a relationship, you have to pick your battles.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And fighting for someone that doesn't love you the same way.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I and I want to say this love isn't um a hundred percent each person gives every day.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It changes because there's things that get in the way.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you know that person loves you a hundred percent.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But that one day they may not show a hundred percent because they got a lot going on.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take that and run with it.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about those who still holding on because in their heart they feel like there's so much love there and they want to fight for something that's not there.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's not being reciprocated.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a here's a funny.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: You ready?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fire away.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Loving someone doesn't mean they're automatically your favorite person.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's like saying, I love chocolate cake, therefore I should eat cake every day.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Your heart says, cake is happiness, but your common sense says, so is fitting into your favorite genes.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So that's good.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: What about you?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Your heart says, it's what I desire, but common sense says desires are good, but diabetes, not so much.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, love is a very powerful emotion.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we love our dog, we love our cat, we love our parents, we love our family.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're in that love with somebody, that is such a powerful emotion.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and it makes us do stupid things and make stupid decisions.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: And you know that old saying, just because it's good doesn't mean that it's good for you.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the second point I'd like to make is stop confusing missing someone with needing them back.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big one.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: That is.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, a lot of time we break up with somebody, we still hold on, and we've talked about this, checking their social media and all this.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: We keep holding on, and I'm gonna steal your word from I think a couple episodes back, hope loop.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: They get in this hope loop of hoping that they're gonna still love them back, but it's done, and we can't let go because we tell ourselves we're love them, we love them, we want them back.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: That emotion is probably more powerful than drugs.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, emotion is very powerful, and you know, you can miss someone's laugh, you can miss their touch, you can miss their routines, you can miss who you were when you were with them.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: But missing someone doesn't mean the relationship should be restarted.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're just missing what's familiar, yes, not necessarily the relationship itself, and a lot of times, and this isn't gender-specific, so it doesn't matter if we're a man or a woman, this goes both ways.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: We have to make that conscious decision that when it's done, it's done.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And and move on.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: We said this cuddle ties, disconnect from the social media everything.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because the more you keep seeing it, the more you keep telling yourself it's fate.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was supposed to see this, we're in love, I wish I still love him.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You keep putting everything in this hope loop, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking it's gonna work out.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Or or it just makes you even more upset when you see that maybe the other person has moved on.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because you should ask yourself, do I miss them or do I miss having someone?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do I miss the actual relationship or the potential I hoped it would become?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: These are questions to ask.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another one.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: If nothing about the relationship changed, is it a relationship that you would want to go back to?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people can't answer that question.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you start pointing out these things, then they start going, Oh.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's the thing, is they you have to be logical with yourself.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And most people can't do that when it comes to love.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And missing a person and that person wasn't good for you.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: You have to you have to ask yourself, um, you know, would I be happy going back to it?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or we're helping you to think.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Think about what what you left and think about what's ahead of you.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I posed that to one of my clients, male client.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I said, if this was your daughter, and I didn't get to finish, and he went, hell no.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me and he said, I just said that out loud, didn't I?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Yeah, you did.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because then when you turn it around, right, and like you make it for like one of your own kids, it don't make no damn sense.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That would you want them to be in that type of relationship?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we have to do that to ourselves to trigger the reality.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But we we tell ourselves we miss their smile, we miss their kiss, we miss their touch, and that creates more emotion.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But they're not looking deeper, deeper.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now, missing your ex can be like craving a restaurant you used to love.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: You remember the amazing appetizers, the dessert, the romantic atmosphere, but you somehow forget that the waiter was rude, the food gave you heartburn, and you swore you'd never go back.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You go back.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because memory has a funny way of canceling out the unpleasant parts of the past.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because emotions are involved.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: We forget on how you were treated, how you were talked to, how you were disrespected, how you were dismissed.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: We forget all those things.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you focus on God, uh, how they held me in their arms and how they used to bring me flowers, and oh my gosh, how they they loved me, and you keep putting all these things in, but you start dismissing all the other things.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's another don't let loneliness rewrite your history.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: When you're lonely, your brain can become very selective.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of what you're saying, Professor.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're remembering, here you go.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: They used to bring me coffee at my job.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is just what you're saying.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: You remember all the good things, but you're forgetting they ghosted you for a week when you had an argument.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then we we because we naturally tend to romanticize relationships when they're over.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of asking, what did I love about them?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Also ask, how did I feel when I was in that relationship?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the whole picture, not just the highlight wheels.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we people ask, you know, why do I not know what the episode is gonna be for this exact reason?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you're hearing from me, they're hearing from you, and we're validating because here you are, got the same thing that I'm saying.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just what you say.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we don't we don't rehearse nothing.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: But this is the the problem is that they they keep going back to feelings instead of what reality really was.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right, exactly.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a little funny pertaining to what we're just social media isn't the only thing that post highlights.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Our memories do it too.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: For an example, somehow the two-hour argument while on vacation gets deleted.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: But what is remembered is that perfect vacation sunset watched together.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: With a martini and a smile.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the next point.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Give yourself permission to grieve.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Moving on doesn't mean pretending you didn't hurt.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: A breakup can involve genuine grief, but you're not grieving a person.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: You may be grieving the future you imagined, the plans you made, the routines you shared, the identity you had in the relationship, and the hope that things would eventually work out.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Grief.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: You have to grieve this.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And people treat breakup the same way if they lost somebody.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: The grieving is very similar.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's real, it's real, it is so similar.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You've lost a loved one and you grieve, and that is an intentional grieving because of who this person wants.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: This life is gone.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But we treat breakup the same way.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're still here, right?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But we treat it as if they'd they passed away.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's sometimes I've heard this before that if they were dead, they would uh they would grieve less because, like you said, yeah, they're still there, especially now because you can find them on social media unless they block you.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at at this, this this is where you have to, and uh, you know, a coach, a therapist, whoever helps you to pass that line that you've crossed over and come back to the reality department.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're still here.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship ended.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I always say take the good and the bad, separate them.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is the stuff that I don't want in my next relationship.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want the disrespect, I don't want the abuse, I don't want this, I don't want that, boom.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: But the good stuff, this is what I I enjoyed.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you look for in your next relationship.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we should be doing.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's no different like then going to having a job that you got you got fired, and you say, you know what?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I really love that job.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I love this, this, this, but this is what I hate about the job.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then you go when you find your next job.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't want to be doing all this craziness.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Do the same thing with relationships and understand that grief isn't a straight line.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: For instance, you might feel terrific on Tuesday, and by Thursday, you're crying over an old picture.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't mean you've gone backward.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: It just means that you're human.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: You want to hear funny?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a phone in.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Know that healing isn't like downloading an app.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Congratulations, your heartbreak has successfully been removed.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, there's no uninstall buttons for memories.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know which people could.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the the next point.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Stop checking the door for someone who isn't coming through it.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't where moving on can be this is, I'm sorry, this is where moving on can become difficult.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: You may find yourself checking there's here you go, there's social media, reading old messages, wondering what they're doing, waiting for that text.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: And every time you check, you reopen the emotional wound.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: And as we said, emotions are real, emotions are strong.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why we say if it's done, it's done.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: They've moved on.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: You've seen it on their social media.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: They got a new girlfriend or a new boyfriend.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Then shut it off.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Cut their social media from you, block their calls, move on.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because every time the ding notification goes off, you're running to your right.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, maybe he loves me, he wants to come back.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let it go.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you have to here's another thing you need to ask yourself: Am I healing or am I simply rewriting the relationship in my head?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because even though there's no physical contact, you're playing relationship reruns in your mind.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's a sitcom.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's a horror show.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: But we keep replaying it, but we only pick out the parts we want to see or consider in our example.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's just like wa watching old movies.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you just skip through this part and because you want to see the the highlight of the movies.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it it So you skip the bad parts.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: To get the good part.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And checking your your excess social media and reading old messages is like picking out a scab and wondering, why isn't this healing?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: No words.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because you you just said it all right now.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a scab.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just keep pulling it off and it heals, and you keep pulling it off.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're left with a scar.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, by and then you carry that scar to your next relationship.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not a good thing.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's an another point.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Don't make closure dependent on another person.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: This is what it looks like when you do.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're waiting for an apology before allowing yourself to heal.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: You need them to explain why they hurt you before you can move forward.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: And here's another thing that another way that it looks like.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: You look for them to acknowledge your pain.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you hang on to the hope that one final conversation will give you the closure.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: If we could just talk, can we just talk?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Can we just talk about it?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: Replaying mental clips of the relationship to see where it went wrong.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then allowing what they never said to keep your story unfinished.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: Wait a minute, you didn't tell me why we broke up.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Why did we break up?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because you didn't listen.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't hear me the first time when I said it's we're done.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's the that and I love because I've actually used your word because I love it so much.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're stuck in this hope loop again.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, hope you keep hoping.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: And closure, closure isn't something another person gives you.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's something you create by accepting what happened, even when the answers never come.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: When someone tells you, don't let someone tell you that it's done, that you're not important, that you're not their person anymore, more than once.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna steal one of your sayings, and you you just said it, and I'll never forget the first time I he heard you say this to someone.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let somebody tell you twice they don't want you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: That for me, when I first heard you say that, I was like, oh dang, that's powerful.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we and we do, we we want to hear it, and then we start questioning why.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you didn't say why.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: You did, right?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't how you wanted to hear it.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: You want details, you want to know, you know, uh did it come on a bus or a train or a Mac truck.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it came on a Mac truck and you didn't see it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: It ran over you and you didn't you didn't see it.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and we're not trying to be mean here, we're trying to get you to understand that with that scar that you've created and you find somebody else, you're expecting that next person to heal you.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're broken and you want them to heal you.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Heal yourself before you move on.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're trying to tell you here.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: And and they there are fixers.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: They want to they want to fix you, but that doesn't mean that the relationship's gonna be healthy.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now you may never get the conversation you've been waiting for.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: You may never receive the apology your heart longs to hear.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: And you may never hear the words that would bring clarity to everything that happened.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: But the bottom line is this eventually you have to let your healing come from within, not from answers you may never get from anyone else.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's another point.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: Trust the reason you left.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: When you're hurting, don't only remember why you love them.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go again.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Remember why the relationship ended.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Write it down if you need to remember.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: What wasn't working?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: What were you repeatedly asking for that you weren't getting?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: What boundaries you needed?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: What needs weren't?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Being met, what were you tolerating in the relationship that you probably shouldn't have been?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: But the important note is this when loneliness shows up, it's easy to hear that whisper.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's not that bad.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're really a good person.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's when reality needs to kick in.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Not longing for false hope, but knowing what you know is real, knowing what you know happened in the relationship, what you weren't getting, and maybe what you weren't giving.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a two-way street.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And writing it down, I I've said that before, keep a little journal, but write it down in the moment because as the next day and the next day, that's changes because you keep adding things to it that didn't happen.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or so add it down while it's real.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the next point I like to make, Professor, is don't rush into another relationship just to stop the pain, which happens a lot.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: A lot.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes we're not ready for love.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: We're just ready for the relief.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: We want the pain to stop.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And a Tylenol or an aspirin.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was just saying to fix it.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was just thinking about that.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: Same, yeah, same mindset.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: An aspirin won't won't won't help the pain go away.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, it a lot of times, and I don't want to get dark here, but when breakups happen, we get into this dark, ugly space where we drink, we do stupid stuff to try and dull the pain.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't make the pain go away.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't make if it's in another relationship, it's not going to make that relationship work either.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta work on yourself first.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: We've said this in numerous podcasts.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Before you can get in a relationship, you have to be right yourself.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is these are my next points.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's no, but the the this is the the the mindset of yeah.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: So this is why we don't rehearse.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Of good coaches of good coaches.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: This is the mindset.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you immediately replace your relationship with another, you may never give yourself the opportunity to understand what went wrong in the previous relationship.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need another person so quickly to prove you're lovable.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't need time to reconnect with the pain, with the hurt.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Reconnect with yourself and heal.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: Just say that one more time, please.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Reconnect with the pain and the hurt that you felt.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Reconnect with yourself and heal.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now you've just heard that from the one and the one Broxy.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't have said that better myself.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you kind of did, but No, but but you said it just the way it needs to be said.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the problem, is so many times people connect with the pain rather than with themselves.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: Themselves.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: So that they can heal.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: And dating immediately after breakup, you know what it's like?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: It can sometimes be like putting a new coat of paint over old rotten wood.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually, that pretty paint will begin to crack and peel, exposing that old rotten wood.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you're in this is your field of expertise.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, sometimes we sugarcoat what the relationship was.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: But then when you really look at it and expose it for what it is, it wasn't pretty.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was not pretty.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional relationships is the, as we've said, it is one of the most devastating things because we keep holding on to that hope.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: And we need to learn, another point I want to say is we need to learn to separate love from attachment.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: You can love someone just because you're attached to the experience and closeness of having them in your life.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: But attachment can make us think, I can't imagine my life without them.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: But remember, you couldn't imagine your life with them until you met them.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: So how can you say, I can't imagine my life without them when you didn't know them before?
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you were living, and you were loving loving life.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: That is so true.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: And life can and will exist after them.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: Moving on isn't about erasing the love, it's about learning that loving someone doesn't require continuing to live emotionally connected to them.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: We keep refer keep bringing this up.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: Emotion has a lot of power, but it's only the power that you give it.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now, another point is start rebuilding a life that doesn't revolve around the relationship.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: This is where you start living, you start healing, and you become active.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: And you have to you have to ask yourself, who am I outside that relationship?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: And there are things that you can do.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: You can connect or reconnect with friends, return to hobbies, or get some hobbies, volunteer, travel, exercise, create new routines, try something you've always wanted to do, spend time with yourself, which is most important, and don't treat solitude like a punishment.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know why some long-term relationships last the test of time?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is because they have individual uh interests interests, they hobbies go bowling, otherwise go to the sewing club or whatever it is, they have separate things that they do, but they also have things they do together.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: So they you still have you time, right?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: U time right.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's very important.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Outside.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Not it, no, that's that's what keeps a relationship healthy, is knowing that you're two individuals, you have different friends, you have different hobbies, different likes, different dislikes.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it it just keeps individuals individuals, but you come together and as a couple, as one, and doing things and living life together.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be up under each other's armpit every single moment of the day.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: And some people want that, they they feel like they need that, but that causes relationships to be pushed apart.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: When you're dependent on the other for your happiness.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, you have to be happy first.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the goal isn't to stop thinking about them, it's to become so engaged in your own life that your identity is no longer focused around or on that relationship that's in your past.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: So this is these are ways to kind of move on, to have have your life and give yourself a new dep definition of moving on.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: Moving on doesn't mean I don't love them anymore.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: It can mean I love them, but I accept that we're not each other's future.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or I can appreciate what we had without needing to recreate the experience, or I or I can mean I can remember them without abandoning myself.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually you'll be saying, I can love the person I was with them while becoming the person you need to be without them.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's powerful.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: You said it right there.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now I have a takeaway.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you still love someone, don't be hard on yourself.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: Your heart doesn't have an expiration date.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: But love alone isn't always enough to make the relationship healthy or lasting.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the healthiest relationship and the things that you can do to allow yourself to say, I can love you and still choose me.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's not failure, that's growth.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: Professor, any last words?
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't be friends.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Some people want to say, Well, can we stay friends?
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Can we be friends?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because what you're doing is you're trying to hold on to that little nugget.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's done.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: Move on.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Moving on means moving on.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because if that your new partner comes in and says, Well, you know, this is my friend, and you find that, well, that was your ex, oh, you're not gonna be happy about that.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're done, you're done.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: Shut the door, heal, move on.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: And in closing, if you're trying to move on from someone you still love, remember, you don't have to stop loving someone in order to start loving your life again.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: Moving on isn't about erasing the memories, pretending you never cared, or convincing yourself they weren't important.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's about accepting what the relationship was, learning from it, and giving yourself permission to create something new.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes the person you're having the hardest time letting go of isn't the person you need to hold on to.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's the version of your life you imagined with them.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_01: And your future can still be beautiful, even if it looks completely different from the future you once imagined.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, you can miss someone and still move forward.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: You can love someone and still choose yourself, Professor.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys for listening.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your support.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um you can, if you want to join to any of our meet and greets, you know what you gotta do.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Send us an email, we'll tell you where it's happening.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: So much love and blessings to you all.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: And yes.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: And one last thing, you can remember this, you can let go without letting go of who you are.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where we're gonna leave it for today.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships are a journey, and we want to thank you all for allowing us to be part of it.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, download, and share it with someone who may need to hear today's conversation.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: You can find us at Relationship Coaching Group.com, where you can email us if you have questions, comments, or want to learn a little bit about our services we offer, or even want to learn a little bit about us.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, keep growing.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: Choose relationships that bring out the best in you.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: Stand by your boundaries, and remember remember, relationships are built from a place of respect, trust, and emotional maturity.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: Together, we got this.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: We got you.