Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / Dear Life Kit: How much advice is too much advice?

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Dear Life Kit: How much advice is too much advice? · Silver FM 100.6

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This is Ira Glass. On This American Life, we tell
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  Speaker 1: stories about when things change. Like for this guy, David,
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  Speaker 1: And it did take me a while to realize it's
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  Speaker 1: basically because the monkey pressed the button.
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  Speaker 2: That's right.
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• 0:24
  Speaker 3: I tell them once. I say my piece once. And
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  Speaker 3: after that, that's on you. Because when you start nagging them, Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: It's not your job to nag him. You told him.
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  Speaker 3: You led the horse to water. Will the horse drink it?
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  Speaker 3: I don't even know how the idiom goes, but you
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  Speaker 3: know what I'm talking about.
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  Speaker 2: Or will the horse die of thirst?
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  Speaker 3: Let the horse, let that money go.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Let the horse die of thirst. You stopped short of
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: saying let the horse die of thirst, I want to
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  Speaker 2: say for the record.
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  Speaker 3: Did I say that or Andy said that? I'm throwing
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: Andy under the bus.
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  Speaker 4: Is that the end of the idiom?
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  Speaker 5: That is so dark.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, it's Mariel Segarra, and welcome to another edition of
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  Speaker 2: Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help
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  Speaker 2: from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives. Reporter
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  Speaker 2: Andy Tegel is here. Hey, Andy.
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  Speaker 1: Hey, Mariel.
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  Speaker 2: And we've also got our digital editor, Malika Gareeb here. Hey, Malika.
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  Speaker 3: Hello.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to get right into it. Our first
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  Speaker 2: question is, Dear Life Kit, I work in unclaimed property
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  Speaker 2: for the state. I have several friends who have unclaimed funds.
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  Speaker 2: How many times am I allowed to remind them of
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  Speaker 2: this before it becomes overbearing and instead of being a
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  Speaker 2: welcome surprise, it becomes an undue burden? I truly want
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  Speaker 2: to help them reclaim the funds. Over $ 5, 000 for one
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  Speaker 2: of them. But he actually thinks it's a scam. It
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  Speaker 2: is not. How can I help my friends get their
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  Speaker 2: money back without being annoying? Okay, have y'all heard of
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  Speaker 2: unclaimed funds?
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  Speaker 3: I have not.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, basically, this is when the state or federal government
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  Speaker 2: collects money that you forgot about. That could be old
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  Speaker 2: bank accounts or uncashed checks, stock certificates, unused gift cards.
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  Speaker 2: And those things are available to you through the government.
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  Speaker 2: If you search your name, you can see if you
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  Speaker 2: have any money there.
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  Speaker 6: I'm sorry.
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  Speaker 3: I have to do this right now. I'm looking it up.
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  Speaker 3: You guys keep talking and I'll let you know if
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  Speaker 3: I have free money.
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  Speaker 7: Okay.
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  Speaker 8: And is it like every state, like everywhere you've lived?
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  Speaker 8: So you'd have to look up California and like D.C.
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  Speaker 2: And... I think there are websites where you can check
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  Speaker 2: across the country. You can check all the states.
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  Speaker 3: I have no money.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's the Tennessee one, but you might have unclaimed
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  Speaker 2: money in another state.
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  Speaker 9: All right.
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  Speaker 2: All right.
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  Speaker 3: Stand by. Stand by.
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  Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean, I get how frustrated this question
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  Speaker 2: asker is because they know all about this and they're like, hey,
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  Speaker 2: I want you to get your $ 5, 000 back. But this
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  Speaker 2: person is like, I think it's a scam. And the
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  Speaker 2: thing is, you can't really convince people otherwise, and it's
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  Speaker 2: not your job to You know, we know this at LifeKit.
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  Speaker 2: We've done a lot of reporting, especially on money and
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  Speaker 2: how people can optimize their spending, their savings, their investments.
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  Speaker 2: But you can only tell someone so many times to like,
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  Speaker 2: you should really invest for retirement and get your employer
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  Speaker 2: a match or get a high yield savings account. Like
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  Speaker 2: you can't literally make them do it.
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  Speaker 6: Oh, yeah.
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  Speaker 4: I feel that so deeply. How much?
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  Speaker 3: I have $ 50. What is it from?
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  Speaker 2: Does it say?
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  Speaker 3: Wait, first of all, it says owner name Garib H.
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  Speaker 4: That's not you.
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  Speaker 2: That's not you. Oh, dang.
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  Speaker 3: It's sad though, but I could see how this would work.
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  Speaker 3: I would be instantly claiming it. I don't know what
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  Speaker 3: this person is thinking. They need to go right now
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  Speaker 3: and like look up their information.
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  Speaker 4: So this is how our letter writer feels.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah.
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  Speaker 8: Seeing your friend's name and being like, you have $ 5, 000.
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  Speaker 4: What are you doing?
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  Speaker 3: This is my rule with adults. This is my rule
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  Speaker 3: with adults. You cannot tell another adult what to do.
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  Speaker 3: You told them once, that's on them. You know what
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  Speaker 3: I mean?
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  Speaker 9: Yeah.
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  Speaker 8: Yeah. I mean, like working for Life Kit, I feel
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  Speaker 8: this person so deeply. I feel like I'm brimming with
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  Speaker 8: information so often, you know, like we'll be talking about whatever.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know. For me, it's parenting stuff.
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  Speaker 8: I feel like I'm like the actually person, like actually,
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  Speaker 8: you know, or like I was working on this episode.
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  Speaker 4: You know, like I get a lot of eye rolls.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: There's not a good way to give unsolicited advice to people.
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  Speaker 9: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: There's never a good way.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Here's what I would do. I would get everybody else
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  Speaker 3: in the group to do their claims and everyone's getting money.
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  Speaker 3: And everyone's like, oh my God, I got $ 50 in
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  Speaker 3: the mail. What about you, Hal? Oh, Hal, I thought
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  Speaker 3: you had 5,000.
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  Speaker 4: You didn't apply for it.
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  Speaker 5: What a dummy.
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  Speaker 4: Negative peer pressure.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I would do.
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  Speaker 2: I like it. I think what this comes down to
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  Speaker 2: is that this person is trying to show love to
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  Speaker 2: the people in their lives. That's the most charitable way
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  Speaker 2: of seeing this. You could see it as they're trying
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  Speaker 2: to control other people's lives, but I want to see
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  Speaker 2: the charitable way that they're trying to show love to
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  Speaker 2: other people. And that doesn't always mean fixing something for someone.
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  Speaker 2: And it doesn't always mean optimizing their life. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: it came up in our cancer support episode, how to
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  Speaker 2: support someone who's going through cancer. Like the answer isn't
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  Speaker 2: usually to try to fix it for them. How could
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  Speaker 2: you fix it for them? It's too big, you know,
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  Speaker 2: but it's to say, how are you doing today? Where
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  Speaker 2: are you with this today? And you can show that
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  Speaker 2: kind of love to people day after day, like check
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  Speaker 2: in on them. But you don't have to get involved
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  Speaker 2: in their finances. You can tell them about the five
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  Speaker 2: grand the one time, maybe twice if it's your sibling.
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  Speaker 2: But after that, love them in a different way.
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  Speaker 3: Let go of the reins. Let the crumbs fall where
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  Speaker 3: they may.
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  Speaker 4: You have done your part.
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  Speaker 9: Yeah.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.
• 5:28
  Speaker 5: As the political landscape shifts beneath our feet, we're all
• 5:31
  Speaker 5: vulnerable to a well-funded distraction economy determined to take our
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: eye off the ball. Our weekly politics series, If You
• 5:38
  Speaker 5: Can Keep It, is here to help, where our focus
• 5:40
  Speaker 5: is not the horse race, but the state. We tackle
• 5:42
  Speaker 5: the big political stories of the day and why they
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: matter for our democracy. Join me, Todd Zwilich. And me,
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: Jen White, on the 1A podcast from WAMU and NPR.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I haven't seen my son since 2012.
• 5:55
  Speaker 7: This is Deborah Tice. The disappearance of her son, Austin,
• 5:59
  Speaker 7: is one of the biggest missing person cases in the world.
• 6:03
  Speaker 7: What do you want from me?
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: I should solve the mystery. I know that my son
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: is somewhere alive.
• 6:08
  Speaker 7: Listen to Where Is Austin Tice? from NPR's Embedded and
• 6:12
  Speaker 7: BBC Radio 4 on the NPR app or wherever you
• 6:15
  Speaker 7: get your podcasts.
• 6:17
  Speaker 6: This week on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, we talk
• 6:19
  Speaker 6: with Pulitzer Prize winning novelist Hernan Diaz about how he's
• 6:22
  Speaker 6: used the same fountain pen for the last 30 years.
• 6:26
  Speaker 6: What would happen if you lost it?
• 6:28
  Speaker 7: Do you guys know those big pens with four colors?
• 6:30
  Speaker 10: Oh, yeah.
• 6:31
  Speaker 5: I grew up with that.
• 6:34
  Speaker 6: Don't miss our full conversation and the rest of our games.
• 6:36
  Speaker 6: Listen to the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me podcast on
• 6:37
  Speaker 6: the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: All right, next question. Dear LifeKids, After a series of
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: clashes with his parents, my husband has made the difficult
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  Speaker 2: decision to stop contacting them. While he doesn't get his
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  Speaker 2: parents' texts and voicemails, I still do. The messages are
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  Speaker 2: often affectionate or loving, usually from his mother. Should I
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  Speaker 2: advise him to listen to these messages? Or should I
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  Speaker 2: keep listening to the messages and ignore how sad it
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  Speaker 2: makes me that his parents are trying in vain to
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  Speaker 2: reach out?
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  Speaker 3: I have one big thing to say to this letter writer.
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  Speaker 3: This is not about you. This is literally... This boundary
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  Speaker 3: that your husband is holding with his parents is not
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  Speaker 3: about you. And I think it's so sweet that you
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  Speaker 3: are in there and listening to all of it. But like,
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  Speaker 3: I think that you just need to step back for
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  Speaker 3: a second.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And I wanted to share a really great piece of
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  Speaker 3: advice from author and therapist Andrea Bonnier from an interview
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  Speaker 3: we did back in 2021 about estrangement. And she says
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  Speaker 3: that the challenge of creating a boundary like this is
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  Speaker 3: having other people understand it.
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  Speaker 11: We can have the best laid plan for why our
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  Speaker 11: boundaries are meaningful to us and why we need to
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  Speaker 11: assert them for our own mental health. But sometimes the
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  Speaker 11: people in our lives don't respond as well as we
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  Speaker 11: would hope, or they can't really even understand where we're
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  Speaker 11: coming from.
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  Speaker 3: What it sounds like to me is that the letter
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  Speaker 3: writer is having trouble understanding what the boundaries are that
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  Speaker 3: their partner has with their parents. Where does that leave
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  Speaker 3: the spouse?
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  Speaker 4: This is a hard one.
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  Speaker 5: I think.
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  Speaker 8: that if your spouse has drawn that line in the sand,
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  Speaker 8: then it is your job to hold that line. So
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  Speaker 8: if you're deciding to listen to those voicemails, to read
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  Speaker 8: those texts, that's still crossing that line.
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  Speaker 2: Because they block this person, right?
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  Speaker 6: Right.
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  Speaker 4: They block them for a reason. They don't want it.
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  Speaker 3: Here's my question. should that person go back to their
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  Speaker 3: spouse and try to re-understand and have their spouse re-explain
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  Speaker 3: the boundary?
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  Speaker 9: Yeah.
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  Speaker 8: Or like if you want to challenge that boundary, if
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  Speaker 8: you want to talk to them about it or say like,
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  Speaker 8: I think maybe it's time to revisit this.
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  Speaker 4: I think, you know, and that's something else.
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  Speaker 2: I think also if you were going to challenge that boundary,
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  Speaker 2: like you should have a really good reason. There are
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  Speaker 2: also scenarios where people basically just ghost their family And
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  Speaker 2: they don't ever tell them why. And so if it's
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  Speaker 2: one of those scenarios and you think your partner really
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  Speaker 2: hasn't communicated with the family or it's something that's like,
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  Speaker 2: for lack of a better way of saying this, not
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  Speaker 2: that serious, you know, like there's a spectrum of reasons
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  Speaker 2: that people can be estranged. If you as their partner
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  Speaker 2: really think like this is not the kind of thing
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  Speaker 2: that you get estranged over or like I don't think
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  Speaker 2: your family even understands or like This is important enough
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  Speaker 2: because we have kids and I think they would really
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  Speaker 2: like to know their grandparents. If you feel like you
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  Speaker 2: have enough of a stake in it, then you could
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  Speaker 2: revisit it with this person. But otherwise, you know, it's
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  Speaker 2: not really your choice to make.
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  Speaker 8: I think that some of the best marriage advice that
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  Speaker 8: I've ever gotten was from my brother-in-law who got it
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  Speaker 8: from someone else.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 4: Just say something or let it go.
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  Speaker 8: Like if you're upset, either it's important enough to talk
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  Speaker 8: about or just Let it roll off your shoulders.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: It's one or the other.
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  Speaker 3: I actually have never heard of that marriage advice before,
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  Speaker 3: but I love it.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: It's really helpful, I think.
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  Speaker 11: All right.
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  Speaker 2: Next question. Dear Life Kit, I need help addressing the
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  Speaker 2: difference between how my wife and I view food and
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  Speaker 2: how this relates to my kids. My wife is a
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  Speaker 2: great woman who grew up without restrictions on sweets. She
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  Speaker 2: brings donuts and candy into the house and there's too
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  Speaker 2: much of it. When I try to tell her that
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  Speaker 2: it's too much, that the kids don't have self-control, she
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  Speaker 2: refuses to alter how much she brings in the home.
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  Speaker 2: I am a broken record player with the eat a
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  Speaker 2: piece of fruit or a vegetable response to I'm hungry.
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  Speaker 2: Other than bringing in more fruit and vegetables, how do
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  Speaker 2: I get my wife to cut back on sweets?
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  Speaker 4: There are a lot of questions in this question.
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  Speaker 3: I have a lot of questions in this question too.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's complicated because they have kids. So if it
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  Speaker 2: was just the couple... then you got to think about
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  Speaker 2: how much control you should really be exerting over what
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  Speaker 2: another adult is eating. But because there are the kids,
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  Speaker 2: you should be guiding what they're eating and making sure
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  Speaker 2: that they're getting enough nutrition and not eating too much sugar.
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  Speaker 4: You know what this question is giving for me?
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  Speaker 5: It's giving.
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  Speaker 8: My wife divorced me over a pile of dirty dishes
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  Speaker 8: in the sink, and I have no idea what's going on.
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  Speaker 4: You know what I mean?
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  Speaker 8: This is a question about sweets, but to me, it's
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  Speaker 8: about a lot more. There's a lot hiding under this
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  Speaker 8: pile of donuts and candy in the kitchen.
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  Speaker 3: Unearth it. Go.
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  Speaker 5: Okay.
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  Speaker 8: So what catches me here is the phrase, she refuses.
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  Speaker 8: She refuses to alter how much candy she brings into
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  Speaker 8: the home. That's a pretty strong response, especially if you
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  Speaker 8: have children.
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  Speaker 3: Also- It sounds a little bit passive aggressive that she
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  Speaker 3: continues to bring even though he said.
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  Speaker 4: That's exactly what I'm saying.
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  Speaker 9: You know what I mean?
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  Speaker 8: Like I'm assuming this person knows that like donuts and
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  Speaker 8: candy at every single meal is a bad idea.
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  Speaker 9: Right?
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  Speaker 4: So like.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: It's like she's doing it to spite him.
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  Speaker 9: Exactly.
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  Speaker 8: So I'm wondering like how are these conversations going? This
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  Speaker 8: is like not value neutral. This candy signifies something is
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  Speaker 8: what I'm guessing. And you need to get underneath the
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  Speaker 8: why is what is my advice.
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  Speaker 3: Is this more about control? This is the control episode.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: One thing is that like every parent knows that like
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  Speaker 3: you can't just tell kids to eat vegetables and fruits, right?
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  Speaker 3: You just can't tell them that. It has to be
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  Speaker 3: a whole lifestyle. You have to have it readily available.
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  Speaker 3: You have to have it cut and ready for them.
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  Speaker 3: And they say no the first time, then you have
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  Speaker 3: to reintroduce it, keep feeding to it. We have a
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: whole episode on this, how to get your kids to
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: eat veggies, right? And what was the bottom line on that?
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: Do y'all remember?
• 12:24
  Speaker 8: Don't get discouraged if they don't like it the first time.
• 12:26
  Speaker 8: Kids need a lot more introduction than you think they need.
• 12:29
  Speaker 8: It's like at least 10 tries of a food. Flavor conditioning,
• 12:33
  Speaker 8: that's where you pair a new food with foods that
• 12:35
  Speaker 8: they already like. For example, pairing carrots with a sauce
• 12:38
  Speaker 8: that they already like, grating it into a muffin in
• 12:40
  Speaker 8: the morning, trying a lot of different combinations so that
• 12:43
  Speaker 8: they associate the new food with a food that they
• 12:46
  Speaker 8: already like. Get them when they're hungry. There's a lot
• 12:48
  Speaker 8: of good studies about that, like when you get them
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  Speaker 8: right back after school or after daycare. They're a lot
• 12:53
  Speaker 8: more likely to reach for those carrots or the cucumber
• 12:57
  Speaker 8: or the celery. And then getting kids involved in prep,
• 13:00
  Speaker 8: getting your wife involved in prep. If you're all making
• 13:02
  Speaker 8: a meal together, they're a lot more likely to be
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  Speaker 8: excited about those tomatoes that they chop themselves, that broccoli
• 13:08
  Speaker 8: that they chop themselves, things like that.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe that's something that you can all work on.
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  Speaker 3: I love those tips. And actually, I was thinking in
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  Speaker 3: my mind of like, oh, yeah, I got to make
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  Speaker 3: that little vegetable tray to have ready for Gus when
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: he comes home from school.
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  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
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  Speaker 3: When he's like super duper hungry and like will literally
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  Speaker 3: eat anything. So good reminder. The other thing too is
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  Speaker 3: like to reassign value to like the sweets. Like maybe,
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  Speaker 3: maybe your wife really does think of sweets as like
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  Speaker 3: a really big treat or award. And like with kids,
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  Speaker 3: one of the things that, I mean, I personally do
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  Speaker 3: is try to like offer other treats instead of actual sweets,
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: like a new book or like a trip to the
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: library or, you know, Stickers. Literally anything else. Stickers, exactly.
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  Speaker 2: I think I would just remember, too, as the letter writer,
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  Speaker 2: even if you and your wife split up, there would
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  Speaker 2: be two separate houses, most likely, and your wife would
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  Speaker 2: be giving them sweets and you'd be giving them vegetables
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: and fruits, right? So you have to figure this out
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  Speaker 2: either way. And I think, like, try to find a
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: way to make fruits and vegetables appealing so that your kids.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Consider reaching for that instead of a piece of candy.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: And I know that that sounds impossible, but show them
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: the best of what the farmer's market or, you know,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: your fruit and vegetable vendor has to offer. Like think
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: about what's in season, taste a bit of it first yourself,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: show them how amazing fruits and veggies can be. All right,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: that's our show. Do you have a tricky question about
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: relationships or social etiquette or work culture or something else?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Send it to us at npr.org slash Dear Life Kit.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: Our digital editor is Malika Gareeb, and our visuals editor
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: is CJ Rikulan. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Lennon Sherburn. Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Mariel Cigarra. Thanks for listening.
• 15:30
  Speaker 9: How do products end up on big box shelves? Well,
• 15:33
  Speaker 9: we at Planet Money pitch the Planet Money board game.
• 15:37
  Speaker 9: I'm trying not to think how much of a big
• 15:39
  Speaker 9: deal it is and how much work has gone into it.
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: It's really big.
• 15:42
  Speaker 7: Is it helpful if I remind you how big it is?
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: It's sort of the whole thing.
• 15:45
  Speaker 9: We go inside the minds of the people who decide
• 15:49
  Speaker 9: what goes on store shelves. Listen to Planet Money on
• 15:52
  Speaker 9: the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
• 15:55
  Speaker 10: This is Tanya Mosley, co-host of Fresh Air. Ten years ago,
• 15:58
  Speaker 10: Colin Kaepernick took the knee during the national anthem, and
• 16:02
  Speaker 10: it cost him his NFL career. He's rarely talked about
• 16:05
  Speaker 10: it since. Now he tells the story of that decision
• 16:08
  Speaker 10: and why he still trains every day to play.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: But I am not at the point of accepting I
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: will never step on a field again.
• 16:15
  Speaker 10: Listen on the NPR app or wherever you get fresh air.
• 16:19
  Speaker 10: The NPR app cuts through the noise, bringing you local, national,
• 16:23
  Speaker 10: and global coverage. No paywalls, no profits, no nonsense. Download
• 16:28
  Speaker 10: it in your app store today.