Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Richard Salamanca- España corcho

Transcript

Richard Salamanca- España corcho · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast, what' s up? Good night, how are you?
• 0:17
  You' re having a good time, this morning I was at the
• 0:22
  gym by mistake and I was recognized by a guy. He told me fuck,
• 0:24
  you' re squeaking at the mantle, comedian this Comedy Central, tell
• 0:28
  yourself a few jokes, then nothing. I threw the heavy on him He
• 0:30
  broke his chest. Why am I counting this? Why am I counting this?
• 0:41
  Because this thing that I and my colleagues are doing, this is a
• 0:43
  job. We charge with your laughs, then pay, we pay in tears.
• 0:48
  No, but it' s a job I still have to put up
• 0:51
  with some friend or family member saying good, Richard, but you, other
• 0:54
  than this, will do something else, Uncle, because look the same and
• 0:56
  you, when you' re not working things and so not long ago,
• 1:02
  a friend was out of work, had to pay the mortgage. Then he
• 1:04
  placed himself at night in a dark, discreet alley, but crowded. He
• 1:10
  put himself there at night to masturbate people, mainly men. He told us
• 1:18
  he worked in a fur shop. Yeah, but the thing is, one
• 1:23
  night I finished acting and I walked by and I saw him as a listener.
• 1:26
  I' m your quiet uncle friend. It' s okay. I
• 1:29
  ' m not gonna tell anyone anything, but never be ashamed of your job.
• 1:32
  If this makes people happy, now don' t charge me. A
• 1:42
  week ago I was acting in a place a little smaller than this one in
• 1:47
  Gerona, and I got to the owner of the room and I asked him
• 1:49
  hey, gentleman, how is the gentile here in Gerona and tell me people
• 1:57
  come down to see how I explain to this guy now that he has to
• 1:59
  invoice me. No, but good. Eye, eye, eye. I
• 2:02
  ' m not messing with cataluña or anything. I don' t care if
• 2:06
  cataluñas independencia, I don' t care. I' d be annoyed if
• 2:08
  you were to become independent, because I go every summer you' ve come,
• 2:13
  not and fuck me across a country to go to the beach. No.
• 2:15
  But good. I think that' s good, because people should vote
• 2:19
  for more things better. We' re used to voting. I see people
• 2:21
  on the street that go like this. We' re used to it.
• 2:24
  It would eliminate the day of reflection, because the day of reflection is useless.
• 2:29
  The last times we voted was the next day there was all the shit
• 2:31
  we' ve done. So nothing. As we are already used to throwing
• 2:37
  away, voting everyone, voting animals, voting children, no, no,
• 2:39
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:42
  no, no, no, no No, but recently, I was looking
• 2:52
  at a poll that related to people' s cinematographic tastes based on their intention
• 2:55
  to vote. I mean, that' s what you like, because this
• 2:59
  is what you vote for. People who vote, citizens are fans of Star
• 3:01
  Wars. So Tan Tan? Tan? Tan? Tan? Tan? Tan?
• 3:09
  Tan? Tan? Tan? Not especially because of the awakening of force,
• 3:17
  although they have finally been the phantom threat. No. People who vote
• 3:24
  for the EPP prefer dinosaur movies. Tino Ninoni' s still alive. The
• 3:38
  people who vote are more Titanic. You don' t have to explain anything
• 3:47
  here. Those who vote for us are fans of Tarantino' s cinema.
• 3:57
  You know a lot of talk, and in the end, it' s
• 4:01
  safe violence, not Upei' s, if he didn' t say anything.
• 4:03
  But I already say which one in the movie of Upid Manolete if you
• 4:10
  don' t know how to fight for what you' re getting into.
• 4:12
  You' ve seen the movie, you' ve seen it all doesn'
• 4:17
  t fit, because the mannel film tells you the story. It' s
• 4:19
  an American movie. It tells the story of this popular bullfighter, the Francoist
• 4:23
  Spain and the host on empotrator. He hasn' t brushed everything that moved.
• 4:25
  He fell in love with a woman and did not reciprocate. Then he
• 4:28
  sat on the cocaine and got caught by a bull about the cocaine. If
• 4:35
  Franco had had pharlopa. But you can tell the hand of American screenwriters clearly
• 4:41
  know that the pharlopa goes very well to kill. They' re bullfighters,
• 4:45
  too They' re not gonna get out of Mdman' s shoes. Come
• 4:47
  here, come here, come here? Come here? Come here? Handsome,
• 4:53
  handsome? Come here, come here? Come here? See here?
• 4:58
  All right, all right, all right here? Come here? Come here?
• 5:01
  Come here? U I have it, we have it, and these
• 5:12
  eggs and this today I smell what a fain or, what a black,
• 5:15
  what a horn, what a cool people and these villages and these pits.
• 5:18
  But the full banchan lifts you up there already seems to be Spanish. But,
• 5:28
  hey, I' m talking about this. But I have no fucking
• 5:30
  idea about bulls. I have no idea. I' ve asked people who
• 5:32
  understand what' s cool about hearing. The spectacle of this says it cool,
• 5:35
  for it is a spectacle in which the presence of death hovers and this
• 5:39
  makes it attractive. So if this is why you can go to a park
• 5:44
  to watch a game of petanga, not just and at any time by death
• 5:49
  can also appear. Can' t the truth, the truth is that I
• 6:00
  don' t know if if you know that both artists and bullfighters share the
• 6:04
  same quote regime, yes, yes, for every day worked are two listed
• 6:08
  and now I' m working and contributing. Tomorrow I' ll be just
• 6:12
  making a quote and drunk. I can afford it. But if recently they
• 6:14
  criticized a mogollón to fran Rivera because he came out, he went out torturing
• 6:17
  with his son in arms you agree, not people on social networks and put
• 6:21
  him back and a half, I mean the flip people get a comparison even
• 6:25
  with Michael Jackson, when he taught his daughter for lamenting in a hotel.
• 6:28
  And this has nothing to do with it. He didn' t say Michael
• 6:30
  Jackson when he was hanging on a fifth floor is much safer. There in
• 6:33
  the room. No sasus Hedia, it would be fran Rivera, because he
• 6:46
  was contributing. No. But, objectively, if the bullfighters did not exist,
• 6:48
  there would be no proof of paternity, which was before the paternity test
• 6:54
  or the bullfighter, for the truth is not known. But we' ve
• 6:57
  come to this point. If I' d like to talk about one thing,
• 6:59
  I think it' s important. You know they' ve banned the
• 7:00
  bull from the vega. You know it, you know it' s been
• 7:01
  proven. No bull of the vega is that he will release the bull in
• 7:04
  the field and go to people armed with spears, pinchos, pencils pending,
• 7:09
  anything that will pinch and have to kill him. Okay. The prohibition is
• 7:13
  that they cannot kill the bull in public. There' s the torsillas trying
• 7:16
  to put doors on the field That' s fine. We agree. No,
• 7:20
  cruelty should not be a cause for celebration in a civilized society. Well,
• 7:26
  it' s not worth it. But what about the buñol tomatina?
• 7:30
  The animals do, but the plants grow by the ass, that is,
• 7:32
  every summer, millions of innocent tomatoes, very spattered among the mules of sweaty
• 7:36
  drunks and nobody says anything that is going to be August to ask for a
• 7:41
  gapacho and it is noticed that it is much clearer. It' s not
• 7:44
  true. The same way we feel when we see the bull in the vega.
• 7:46
  The vegans feel them, when they see the bony tomatine. Let'
• 7:49
  s empathize with the vegans who are going to starve to death, let'
• 7:53
  s empathize with them to crush the vegetables. It' s not art or
• 7:55
  culture. It' s not the mooring, it' s not the debuñol,
• 8:09
  the bonnets defend themselves and say no. But if the tomato doesn'
• 8:13
  t suffer, it' s fine, but the tomato gives us fantastic things.
• 8:15
  Tomato is antioxidant. Prevents cancer. It is present in all diets,
• 8:18
  better the taste of semmedi and vaginal discharge. You didn' t know this,
• 8:24
  because yes, it' s antioxidant. But good are traditions. We
• 8:33
  have traditions here in Spain, and traditions all over the world. In India
• 8:37
  they venerate alabata looks like in Germany, it is not in the United States.
• 8:43
  In the United States, they celebrate Vale Marmot Day in the United States.
• 8:48
  It' s this country that' s some sewer smoke. It'
• 8:52
  s the only place they let you smoke. If so, for the Nindia
• 8:56
  turtles. They don' t smoke. They don' t smoke because they
• 9:00
  have three fingers, because every time they give a draught, they cover their
• 9:01
  faces and they can kill them. No. No, they can' t
• 9:05
  smoke. On the day of the marmot, their States are all placed around
• 9:07
  the burrow. If the marmot comes out that good doesn' t end.
• 9:09
  If the speck doesn' t come out the winter will last a little longer.
• 9:15
  This is what my whole life here in Spain has known how my knee
• 9:16
  hurts. This is gonna change the time. But clear to the Americans is
• 9:22
  not the joints, because they have private exit. That' s where you
• 9:26
  get more. You have to pay for it. It' s a luxury,
• 9:30
  an appendicitis operation, which is this here costing thirty- six zero bucks,
• 9:33
  the same as a porch shuts down how you stay that' s less
• 9:39
  bad than us. They don' t give us the choice. No,
• 9:41
  because if we weren' t all going to get a five- hundred-
• 9:58
  dollar flu, get a ten- dollar bonus. I don' t know
• 10:00
  three zero a day flu dollar if we make you twenty percent of the story
• 10:01
  in your next candidiasis. I don' t know something like that. I
• 10:05
  think this country and now I get serious. I think this country will go
• 10:09
  to hell for the day we have to pay for a rectal touch. Now
• 10:13
  we tolerate it because it' s free, but the day we have to
• 10:18
  pay for it, people don' t like to get things in their eyes.
• 10:20
  No. No. No, no, people don' t tolerate it?
• 10:22
  No, he can' t stand it for love. There are some
• 10:30
  who are empathizing with me. Well, I don' t get sick.
• 10:33
  I get sick because I' m autonomous. The self- employed don'
• 10:37
  t get sick. The last autonomous who followed down the times of the CID
• 10:39
  champion, who was the CID, because he was killed by the CID was
• 10:43
  the first autonomous in history. In fact, he went to work until he
• 10:46
  was dead. I mean, that' s right. This City death thing
• 10:48
  is in the hemerotecas. According to the country, it was a brawl with
• 10:52
  two Mozarabics, because according to reason, it was three shit monkeys. No,
• 10:56
  but that meant mine. No. But, well, I think betrayals
• 11:03
  serve to reaffirm the identity of a broad social group. Traditions have to please
• 11:09
  us all, like the nap, to which yes I propose right now,
• 11:15
  here today, in this room establish, as Spanish tradition, the obligatory daily
• 11:18
  masturbation every morning when you rise from bed to touch, even as the i
• 11:26
  a teacher three times a day and with a full stomach. If you masturbate
• 11:31
  a lot, your eyes shine, your skin is much smoother. It'
• 11:35
  s true that you' re going a little looser for life. No,
• 11:37
  but if we all go the same, it' s okay. No.
• 11:39
  No one' s died from masturbating too much or we' ve all got
• 11:46
  people for masturbating weird. If you put a bag on the furo cart on
• 11:48
  your head, I know how to put it on the market that doesn'
• 11:54
  t have grute, no, no, but it' s true to the
• 11:56
  masturation nothing more than I find it. Virtues, no one recommends it.
• 11:58
  You go to the doctor doctor who couldn' t, because take these pills
• 12:01
  already, but I don' t want pills, because take a drink ah
• 12:05
  came before bed, man, I miss the doctor tell me look boy you
• 12:07
  before you put the bed. Stab it in English. Good as it is.
• 12:18
  This speech may seem frivolous. Okay, no. Masturbation is like talking
• 12:22
  about time with yourself. Okay, I buy it for you, but when
• 12:26
  you masturbate, it allows you to see your life in perspective, because when
• 12:28
  you' re doing there are people who are remembering the past. Others are
• 12:31
  imagining the future. Others prefer to settle in the present in front of a
• 12:37
  computer pant. The present does not fail, unless you run out of WiFi
• 12:41
  does not fail past. The future is more dangerous, because they belong to
• 12:45
  the field of imagination. I don' t know about you, but mine
• 12:48
  has no borders. I was recently peeling her hard, hard, thinking,
• 12:54
  thinking about Tenlu and the world. At the height of the moment my grandmother
• 13:00
  appeared to you you also like the program less bad that there is wall not,
• 13:07
  but if not in masturbasm, we would all relate to people in a
• 13:09
  much more selfless way. There' s no more sexual interest, you'
• 13:13
  re no longer with a person you' re thinking look. I want to
• 13:16
  buzz me. I want her to buzz me. I want no buzzing.
• 13:18
  You think well, I' ll listen to that yes, but let'
• 13:31
  s do a test. Everyone in the room, you' re enough people.
• 13:33
  Let' s do a test. I would like you to applaud all
• 13:35
  those who agree that we should establish, as a Spanish tradition, compulsory daily
• 13:39
  masturbation. And I say obligatory because I don' t know anyone who,
• 13:43
  after touching this bad mood that' s here, you dare shut up that
• 13:46
  doesn' t exist. Okay. You' re prepared for an epic moment
• 13:50
  on television. You' re ready. Applaud all those who agree. Let
• 13:54
  ' s be clear. Okay. An anti- masturbator forum can always emerge.
• 14:16
  We won' t be called clean hands, but this would make my
• 14:28
  life much more enjoyable. Call me an asshole, but I' m cool.
• 14:31
  To live a mathematical question. There are more dead than alive. Me
• 14:35
  living. I feel special to myself to feel like the Iberian lynx. Sounds
• 14:39
  like enough reason to touch me. Recently there' s a tradition we'
• 14:46
  ve given him a gill. We' ve done the update, which is
• 14:48
  the Dead Day. Now it' s called Halloween. It looks like a
• 14:52
  Nazi Halloween greeting, a dictation called wen findo, instead, the Day of
• 15:01
  the Dead. The Day of the Dead. The name is no longer so
• 15:05
  cool that it is no more, because it reminds us all that we are
• 15:07
  going to die. And that' s what happens now. You didn'
• 15:11
  t think you were immortal. There' s someone out there who thinks.
• 15:16
  No. Me? Don' t you? Me? Me? Me?
• 15:20
  Don' t you? Don' t you? Me? Don' t
• 15:22
  you? Me? I have every season to know how to live. We
• 15:26
  ' re going to put on a wooden pajamite. Everybody' s fucking dying
• 15:30
  lately. Mogollón of musicians recently put Leonard co in David Powie Prints and one
• 15:33
  that played the triangle. They shouldn' t be riding a macro festival in
• 15:39
  the afterlife rock No, but well he died. Nelson Mandela died, Nelson
• 15:46
  died for friends, Mandela died for others. Nelson Mandela' s last words
• 15:50
  were as follows. A lot of people have paid a price before me and
• 15:56
  a lot of people will keep paying a price after me. I think he
• 16:02
  ' s talking about the serious toll problem. But of course, as Mandela
• 16:07
  is, everything he says has to do with racism that he didn' t
• 16:11
  do so much and spent his whole life in jail. It was that interesting
• 16:14
  pictures. This is not the way to be faithful in solidarity. Why I
• 16:25
  count this. Because I count this, because now I' m going to
• 16:27
  open my little heart. Okay. That' s where it happens with the
• 16:30
  immigrants. I don' t know if there' ll be any here.
• 16:32
  Statistically, there have to be some. Okay, it happens to me with
• 16:34
  the immigrants. I understand they' re people. I don' t see
• 16:37
  them inferior. I don' t, but I feel a little bit superior
• 16:41
  because I' m in my country. It' s not patriotism. No.
• 16:45
  No, no, no. No, it' s a very Spanish
• 16:48
  concept that we have here, very rooted, which is ancient. The last
• 16:55
  one to get here and eat the shit. Lin was the one who started
• 16:59
  the cod in school Who was the one who kicked it the repeater, of
• 17:03
  course as the one in which it took the longest, for we accepted a
• 17:07
  fucking illiterate as our leader, antiquity, very dangerous, eye, age wins
• 17:15
  lessons process For this reason, the immigrants who come to our country are going
• 17:26
  to have the worst jobs, the worst salaries, and you have a very
• 17:29
  bad move with them. You have to do it to get the police to
• 17:30
  agree. I usually get self- esteem in immigrants. I live in Ulsera
• 17:34
  ' s neighborhood. It' s got Latins on it. I feel a
• 17:38
  little taller there. Yes, for the same reason that Maria Teresa Campos the
• 17:45
  Telecinco feels much more journalist. It' s the same thing I' ve
• 17:59
  looked at in the dictionary. Cash, you' re a little bit racist.
• 18:00
  I' m not a low- cost racism, it' s a
• 18:03
  low- cost racism. I don' t have to bill for my prejudices.
• 18:07
  Don' t look at me bad. It' s not right.
• 18:08
  You don' t know there' s no such thing as a racist.
• 18:11
  Otherwise, it doesn' t exist, it doesn' t exist. Must
• 18:15
  be the same. The dictionary was not prepared for such solidarity. Yeah,
• 18:19
  it can be tolerant, no, because it' s not the same thing
• 18:25
  to be intolerant as being racist. I can be lactose intolerant, but I
• 18:26
  don' t care about insurance I mean, I don' t see a
• 18:30
  yogun and tell him to get back to your fucking cow. Of course,
• 18:36
  it' s just dictionary flaws. They are faults that have as well as
• 18:40
  the male of nymphomaniac, nymphoma. He doesn' t show up anywhere.
• 18:42
  It must be that nymphomania is a subject that only affects you girls It'
• 18:48
  s a subject that you have low defenses or something I don' t know.
• 18:52
  I' m sorry to exempt everything that was thought that the masculinion or
• 18:55
  infomana was champion. But, well, I' m racist, but I
• 19:04
  ' m calm because we live in a country that' s racist. Spain
• 19:07
  is a racist country. What are you going to deny me? Or will
• 19:10
  you deny it? During the first six months of the conflict with refugees in
• 19:14
  Spain have we only admitted eighteen refugees? People who are joining together, who
• 19:18
  are moving away in a war, Eighteen refugees in six months, because it
• 19:22
  was that they read this news and live in another country, they must think
• 19:25
  that here, in Spain, we are at full capacity that every time I
• 19:29
  have a refugee for France, a Galician falls down Cape Finisterey. No improvement.
• 19:41
  Eighteen in six months is an average of three a month, which must
• 19:45
  be the minimum so that we don' t realize it the same. A
• 19:48
  month they put four in and my uncle said uh that I' ve seen
• 19:49
  one more. Uh, from respect. But, I don' t know,
• 19:55
  we' re going out, we' re going out. I believe
• 19:56
  that racism, because it comes out depends, it arises apart from fear,
• 20:00
  racism we have not invented by the white race, because if we would not
• 20:04
  have extinguished the woman. It always tends to breed with the smarter, stronger
• 20:08
  males. Forgotten from Borkatis, in stronger, smarter males. You think that
• 20:15
  if we go out, we go out on equal terms with the other ethnicities,
• 20:19
  we would have some chance of success. Really think about it. Let
• 20:26
  ' s split it up. African- American people, people of color,
• 20:30
  are ten percent taller, the pit in the hole gets much wider, not
• 20:33
  allowing them to breathe much more oxygen. Black hair is carpeted, pure,
• 20:37
  don' t fuck with me. It is believed that the Belcro invented there
• 20:41
  a photo that two were taken and what you are all thinking the abs are
• 20:52
  even in the dick. No, but come on, let' s go
• 21:02
  with the Latinos and see how fast they move the hips of Latinos don'
• 21:06
  t fuck with me. It' s the best spoiler they are in bed.
• 21:07
  I can' t move the chain that speed. I have a cilobatiente
• 21:11
  movement, continuous and careful, because I fall anyway, I no longer recover.
• 21:15
  But what speed faster than the human eye is the speed of light and
• 21:18
  the Latin beating. And then, because the Bolivian lament, down here,
• 21:25
  they move at a speed. Now don' t ask them for coffee in
• 21:27
  a coffee shop, eh pussy, put it on me, dancing and what
• 21:37
  and what language proficiency Latinos have. They' re staring you in the face.
• 21:40
  They tell you they have a sad mommy look. That' s why
• 21:44
  you' re missing lime If you' ve seen milk fill you up,
• 21:48
  you' re bilingual. Let' s go to all the Chinese. We
• 21:53
  can run the bull that the Chinese have it small, but a woman when
• 21:56
  I note it head- on, she' ll go well, she'
• 21:59
  s got it small, but at least she' s got it so low.
• 22:08
  If racism did not exist, we would have extinguished them all. Thank
• 22:14
  you very much. It has been a pleasure for you thanks to the boss, our