Latest / Beautifully Complex / 268: What to Do When Importance Doesn’t Create Motivation, with Penny Williams

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268: What to Do When Importance Doesn’t Create Motivation, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:04
  Welcome back, friends to Beautifully Complex. I am going to talk to you
• 0:09
  today about importance and about our kids' brain wiring. The ADHD brain is motivated
• 0:20
  by two things, interest and urgency. It is not motivated by importance.
• 0:31
  This is a difference in their brain wiring. Brain wiring, folks, it
• 0:38
  is not a choice. This isn't necessarily true for autism alone, but so
• 0:45
  many people have both ADHD and autism together now, so I think it's a
• 0:51
  crucial point for most of you to understand, and that's why I'm covering it
• 0:56
  for you here in this episode. When importance does not cause motivation, it
• 1:03
  can be really challenging to take action. And I like to use the example
• 1:11
  of doing our taxes because most of us adults understand how much we dread and
• 1:18
  don't want to do our taxes, but we also understand how very important they
• 1:25
  are. And there are a lot of adults who wait till the last minute
• 1:30
  when it's urgent. And we're going to talk about why that works for people
• 1:34
  later on, But just think about the fact that you know your taxes are
• 1:42
  important and you still have a hard time getting started on it. Right.
• 1:47
  This is kind of like what it is like when you have a brain that
• 1:52
  has ADHD, that just doesn't get motivated by importance alone. So what can
• 2:00
  we do when they're important things that our kids or teens need to get done,
• 2:07
  but they really aren't intrinsically motivated to do those things. What do we
• 2:13
  do when they struggle just to get going on something that is very important?
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  In these situations, it's really essential to focus on building executive function skills and
• 2:28
  finding strategies that can help overcome that lack of that internal motivation. So let's
• 2:37
  talk about some of these strategies. The first one I want to go through,
• 2:42
  I think is the most common strategy that everyone just sort of instinctually relies
• 2:47
  on, but it is not my favorite. So we're going to cover it
• 2:52
  and get it out of the way because I feel like there are better things
• 2:54
  to do. So that first one is provide external rewards or incentives. Yes,
• 3:04
  this can motivate kids to take action. So you could set up a
• 3:08
  reward system where they earn something that they enjoy, like extra screen time or
• 3:15
  another preferred activity just for completing tests. Remember that these rewards should be meaningful
• 3:23
  to your kid. It needs to be their currency, but it should not
• 3:27
  be seen as a bribe. If they feel like you're bribing them to do
• 3:30
  something, or you feel like you're bribing them to do something, then it's
• 3:35
  really not the best thing to be doing. And here's why this isn't necessarily
• 3:42
  my favorite strategy. It's probably my least favorite strategy for helping kids to get
• 3:47
  things done because it ends up often setting up a transactional system for our kids.
• 3:55
  You do this, I'll give you that, and that prevents them from
• 4:02
  learning how to get things done themselves. It becomes the only way to get
• 4:10
  motivated is to get something for doing something, and that doesn't work long term.
• 4:17
  I prefer that extrinsic motivation, like those rewards are limited to working on
• 4:24
  goals with your kids. So something like putting your clothes in the hamper each
• 4:30
  day before you leave for school, brushing your teeth each morning before you come
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  to the kitchen for breakfast. You know that thing that your kids struggling with
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  that you're working on. Make it the one goal that you're working on,
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  and you can attach rewards to that because the goal is that it's a short
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  term rewarded test that becomes a habit. The problem with the external rewards is
• 5:00
  if you can't break away from them, then they're not helpful long term.
• 5:08
  Let's talk about strategy number two. Break tasks into smaller manageable chunks or steps.
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  Make it doable if it feels overwhelming. When you break it down and
• 5:24
  you're very clear about each step or each chunk, that can really alleviate overwhelm
• 5:30
  for your kid and make that task much more doable and achievable. It can
• 5:36
  help your kid get started and also to maintain momentum. Right. It also
• 5:43
  creates this ability to have small successes along the way. Make it a checklist
• 5:51
  so that every time they complete one of those smaller manageable chunks or steps,
• 5:58
  they get to cross it off, check it off, whatever it is.
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  If you do them on post it so they get to take that post it
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  and throw it away, right, that makes them feel like they are making
• 6:10
  progress. Often, progress isn't that tangible for a neurodivergent brain. So this
• 6:16
  can be really really helpful because when we remove the overwhelm and we add in
• 6:25
  those very clear points of progress and achievement, it really helps to get things
• 6:32
  going and to keep going. Strategy number three set specific and very clear goals
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  instructions and deadlines. When we set clear goals and deadlines, we are providing
• 6:48
  a sense of one direction, which is helpful, right if you don't know
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  how to get started. Direction is helpful. But also urgency. Remember I
• 6:59
  said we were going to talk about this. The ADHD brain is motivated by
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  urgency, remember, urgency and interest, but not importance. But I want
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  to caution you about using urgency for motivation. It is another unsustainable strategy.
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  Everything can't be urgent and we can't always wait until something is urgent. That
• 7:32
  is very stressful, that is very dysregulating. So when we are stressed out
• 7:39
  and disregulated, that thinking brain isn't as accessible. So by using urgency for
• 7:47
  motivation, sometimes it removes or lessons do ability, so be careful there.
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  Some people do completely thrive on urgency. Their brain gets locked in and the
• 8:03
  air all systems go. But that is not true for everyone. So you
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  need to be careful in using urgency for motivation. It cannot be your sole
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  strategy for motivating for important tasks. Number four, create a supportive environment that
• 8:28
  minimizes Create a supportive environment that minimizes distractions and promotes focus. Now, this
• 8:43
  can include the traditional ways of promoting focus, like organizing their workspace, having
• 8:48
  a specific spot at a table or a desk, turning off their phone or
• 8:54
  putting it away somewhere, finding a quiet place to work. Those are fine
• 9:01
  and good strategies if they work for your kid. Only if they work for
• 9:11
  your kid. And I'm really stressing that because for most of our kids it
• 9:16
  does not. It is too still, too boring. They need more stimulation
• 9:20
  and movement to focus, which is the opposite of what we are taught about
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  focusing. So you need to really get creative and lean into what works for
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  your kid. So this could be laying on the floor under the dining room
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  table to do their homework. It could be jumping on the trampoline while practicing
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  their math facts with you anything. My kid, when he had to read
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  chapter books in elementary school, he literally stood on his head on the back
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  of the sofa and he kicked his feet in the air in order to focus
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  to read pages of text. It worked for him, and so that's what
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  he did. I didn't tell him, oh, no, you have to
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  sit at a desk in a chair. You have to be still, it
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  has to be quiet, because that did not work for him. You have
• 10:24
  my permission to not do it like everyone says you're supposed to. It is
• 10:30
  okay to do things differently people. I even celebrate it. We have to
• 10:35
  get to a point where we don't have these air quote norms anymore. We
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  do what works for each individual. You have my permission to do that,
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  and I want you to lean into it. Strategy number five. Use visual
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  aids and reminders. Make things visual, even for older kids and teens.
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  Visual helps most of us. So visual aids like to do lists, calendars,
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  reminders, those can serve as visual cues and really help your kid to
• 11:16
  stay on track. They can provide a visual representation of progress which helps us
• 11:24
  keep going and it keeps up that motivation. Just as I was talking about
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  a minute ago. Make that progress visual, you know, fill in that
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  thermometer chart, throw away that post it for that task, whatever it is,
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  Make it tangible, visual, physical, Go all in on it.
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  These visual representations of progress help us keep going, help us to be motivated,
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  and they should be something that your kid can use independently at some point.
• 12:00
  So it should not be Mom or Dad as the walking to do list
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  and the reminders. That doesn't work anyway, and it stresses you out,
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  and it doesn't give your kid a strategy that they can use on their own
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  later. So we choose strategies that our kids can use on their own later,
• 12:20
  and we are there to support those until they can use them on their
• 12:26
  own later. You can't be your kid's frontal lobe forever, so make sure
• 12:35
  that you're creating these strategies that you can remove yourself from at some point.
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  Last strategy I want to talk to you about number six is finding that intrinsic
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  motivation. How do we spark the motivation for an ADHD brain. Remember that
• 12:58
  brain wiring is sparked by interest and urgency. We talked about using urgency and
• 13:05
  how we don't want to do that always, right, So now let's talk
• 13:09
  about using interest to get kids fire you know, their brain fired, not
• 13:16
  get them fired up necessarily, but get their brain going and motivated and you
• 13:24
  know, locked in so that the task is doable to them. So tie
• 13:30
  your kids interest to the things that they have to do because they're important.
• 13:35
  If they're into Harry Potter, use Harry Potter terms in the instructions that you
• 13:41
  give them, or I don't know Harry Potter, myself, my kids were
• 13:48
  never into Harry Potter for some reason, and so I haven't read it,
• 13:50
  I haven't watched the movies. I don't know how to connect that, but
• 13:54
  I know for sure there are plenty of ways to connect Harry Potter to different
• 14:01
  tasks and getting different things done. If they're into games that have quests or
• 14:09
  books that have quests, make math homework a quest. You know, the
• 14:15
  first target point in that quest is you know, the first line of problems
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  on that worksheet, and then they get maybe a break or you know when
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  that break is like going off and you know, building their house in Minecraft.
• 14:33
  Whatever it is, right, whatever your kid's always talking about and spends
• 14:37
  their time doing, find a way to incorporate it in these important tasks that
• 14:46
  your kid can't just automatically find the motivation to get done. Again. You
• 14:52
  can be so creative with this, and I encourage you to be creative.
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  Go away beyond and what you would think is the norm right again, air
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  quotes with norm, because here, beautifully complex, we're not doing the norm
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  right. Let's just throw that out all together. I want you to go
• 15:13
  all in onlinking your child's interests to find some motivation for important tasks. I
• 15:20
  want to tell you one story quickly about my son and what his fifth grade
• 15:26
  English teacher did that really made a world of difference in incorporating interests. So
• 15:33
  in fifth grade they had two teachers. One was for English and I think
• 15:37
  social studies. The other was for math and science. And so his English
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  teacher was just phenomenal in helping kids with especially creative writing. So my son
• 15:52
  has dysgraphia and written expression disorder. Writing was honestly a nightmare for him.
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  You couldn't read his handwriting, for one, but also he could tell you
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  the most brilliant, colorful story verbally, and then when you said, okay,
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  let's write this down blank, just blank, completely and utterly blank,
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  it was very, very very hard. And so he started bringing home these
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  writing papers with a's on them, which had never happened before fifth grade,
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  and even his handwriting was more clear. And I honestly this sounds so horrible,
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  but I honestly questioned if they put some other kid's work in his backpack,
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  that's how much different his work was. And here's why, Because when
• 16:47
  they had to do creative writing, there was a giant box of laminated pictures
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  and illustrations for them to choose from. So they went through this box and
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  whatever got them excited, they took that picture out of the box, they
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  took it to their desk and they wrote something about it. So they were
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  able to choose what was getting them excited and use it to do that non
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  preferred but important task. And it made a monumental difference. It made so
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  much of a difference in his performance and his grades that year that they wanted
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  to remove his IEP, which I didn't allow because that was why he was
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  doing so well that in this particular teacher. And so that just illustrates for
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  you how much interest can change everything. So really tie it in. Remember,
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  folks, you can't change your child's brain. They have the brain that
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  they have. It can make new wires, it can make new neural connections.
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  We can teach skills and habits, but not being motivated by something being
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  important may be a lifelong struggle. And so part of our job as parents
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  are educators is to help them use these type of strategies to overcome that in
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  their day to day lives in the future. So all the reminders in the
• 18:32
  world of how something is important and how important it is is not going to
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  buy itself, change their ability to just do it. Just do it probably
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  doesn't work for your kid. If you're here listening to this podcast, so
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  I want you to try to really, really use some of these strategies.
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  Let's implement them in your families. I would love for you to come to
• 19:04
  the show notes page at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com slash two six eight and
• 19:12
  leave a comment. Let me know what you've tried, how it went.
• 19:17
  I would love to hear from you and how things are going in your own
• 19:21
  family or your own classroom. And be patient with yourself and celebrate the small
• 19:29
  victories along the way with your kids. Of course, be patient with your
• 19:33
  kids too. That goes without saying, right. I will see you on
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  the next episode. Everyone, take good care.