Latest / Look Who's Talking / Dr. Clarissa Bell - Trauma-Exposed Children
Transcript
- 0:15You are listening to Look Who's Talking. I am
- 0:19Cameron Minter. I am your co -host. And our wonderful
- 0:23Head Start Director, Jessica Coffie. Hey, y 'all.
- 0:27Is our host. What's going on, JC? Not much. It
- 0:32has been, I don't know how long. I know. It's
- 0:36been the summer. I know. You've been busy, haven't
- 0:38you? I have. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Should I tell
- 0:42the viewers? I mean, you should. I mean, I got
- 0:44engaged. Yay! Yay! Yay! I know. That's an awesome,
- 0:52awesome, awesome thing. Yes. You know, my mama
- 0:56and daddy was like, how did this happen? Look,
- 1:01look, why you start talking about mama and daddy
- 1:03already? Because it's tradition. I need to talk
- 1:06about what they say to me that is, you know.
- 1:10Are you sure? Right, right, right. Are you having
- 1:15cold feet? I said, already? Already. No, sir.
- 1:20So how long you been engaged? Since August. Wow.
- 1:24I know. It's like two months. It's been a minute
- 1:26now. Yeah, two months. About two months. Well,
- 1:31almost three, I guess. Look, don't start cheating.
- 1:34You sound like the kids. I'm seven and a half.
- 1:37No, you're seven. Or mom's, oh, my baby's 15
- 1:41months. What? We're not doing that. Yes. Three
- 1:46months in. We'll say three months in. That's
- 1:48great. Ask me what's planned. What's planned?
- 1:52Everything. I know it. I don't have time to waste,
- 1:55baby, honey. I am 43 years old. Here's the question.
- 1:58Ain't no waiting. Here's the question. I should
- 2:00have went to the courthouse last week. Here's
- 2:02the question. It's not too late, though. Here's
- 2:04the question. Did you allow him to have any input?
- 2:08Absolutely. Oh, really? You did? I allowed him
- 2:12to. Oh. Now, did he? His response is, oh, honey,
- 2:21whatever you want. I'm like, no, you have to.
- 2:28Whatever you like. Now, he did say this. There's
- 2:30one thing he said I do not want in any bride,
- 2:35any other bride, because, you know, I'm not normal.
- 2:37You're not normal. In a good way. Any other person
- 2:41probably would have been like, no, that's a deal
- 2:42breaker for me. He was like, no flowers. What?
- 2:47What? He is a funeral director. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- 2:52He's tired of that. And he's like, flowers equals
- 2:55death to me. I said, oh. As a matter of fact,
- 2:59I need for him to probably listen to this podcast.
- 3:01Clearly, that's trauma. Right. So I said, cool.
- 3:07I'm good with that. No flowers. How are you going
- 3:10to do that? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We
- 3:14can't talk about that. I have ways. That can't
- 3:16be released. Hold up. That will be released after
- 3:19the fact. Yeah, that will be released after.
- 3:21I got you. But my decorator was excited. Oh.
- 3:25I'm sure. She's crazy. Yeah. She's crazy with
- 3:29it. She said, oh, you ain't said nothing but
- 3:33a thing. Right. Right. She tired of flowers anyway.
- 3:36She ready to do something different. Oh, absolutely.
- 3:39Absolutely. Absolutely. So we're excited. This
- 3:42season of planning. But what I realized is I
- 3:45don't like, I like telling people what to do,
- 3:47but I don't like them asking me questions. you
- 3:53just want them to make it happen yes just make
- 3:55it happen I want to be dropped from the ceiling
- 4:00And twirl three times. Okay, goodbye. Yeah, like
- 4:04that. Right. And I also trust professionals.
- 4:09So I'm like, I want this color. I don't want
- 4:12this. That's all I want to say. That's it. Figure
- 4:15it out. You come up with whatever is in my head
- 4:19that I haven't said that you can make it. I feel
- 4:23a bridezilla coming on. Oh, no, no, no, no. I've
- 4:26been pretty easy. I mean, but ain't nothing done
- 4:29yet. I mean, everything is set. Yeah. You know
- 4:34what? Have dresses been made? Oh, yes. Honey,
- 4:38I got that two weeks in. Wow. Okay. No, probably
- 4:42like three. I ain't talking about your dress.
- 4:44I'm talking about everybody else's dress because
- 4:46yours, unless you're going to come in something,
- 4:49you know, besides white, like you're so pure.
- 4:54Okay. Hallelujah. Go! Okay. It's the other color
- 5:00scheme with the other people. I don't know. Cam.
- 5:04It's done. I have made this so easy for everyone.
- 5:07Uh -oh. Everyone. See, that's a setup for failure.
- 5:11When you say, I've made it easy for everyone.
- 5:14I did. And then when there's trouble, then you're
- 5:16like, I made it easy. See? No. No. This is, I
- 5:24think, my sister. My sister is the bridezilla,
- 5:27actually. Oh. Yeah, she is. You got to have.
- 5:30It's not me. It's her. It's good that it's not
- 5:32you, but you need one. Yeah. You need one to
- 5:35speak on your behalf. I mean, she had a bridal
- 5:39shower venue in Paducah, like, within two weeks.
- 5:42And I said, yo. Right. Right, right. And then
- 5:48I told them, I don't want to know anything about
- 5:51bridal shower, bachelorette parties, any of that.
- 5:53Don't tell me anything. I'm grateful for anything
- 5:56because I know the economy we're in. Right. They
- 6:00were like, bro, why are you trying to count our
- 6:02pockets? You know what? I won't. Y 'all do what
- 6:05you want. Do what you want. I'm going to be grateful.
- 6:07That's the best way to be. Yeah. That's the best
- 6:10way to be. So there's no expectation for me.
- 6:12That's good. I had no expectation and did not
- 6:15get a bachelor party. Oh, you didn't? No. I'm
- 6:19still scarred. Hey, it's not too late. No, yeah,
- 6:23it's too late. No, it's not. It's too late. You
- 6:26can have a bachelor. Well, I guess you can't.
- 6:29You can have a I'm still married party with the
- 6:32boys. You could. It don't hit the same. But,
- 6:36you know, I want you to keep the mystique of
- 6:40marriage. Uh -huh. I want you to keep that mystique
- 6:44until after the wedding because that's when the
- 6:46marriage starts. The wedding is all that preparation.
- 6:49That's great. Yeah. But then the wedding starts.
- 6:51I mean, the marriage starts. Well, we've already
- 6:54said, oh, we could have went to the courthouse
- 6:57after all this planning. Now, wait a minute.
- 7:01Now, hold on. I got to speak for Mom and Dad.
- 7:03Not after all this time you not be ready to go
- 7:07to no courthouse. That's why your sister said,
- 7:09don't be counting our pockets. We've been saving
- 7:12up for this. Listen, and when they were like,
- 7:16you know, Dad, I was like, oh, so how much you
- 7:20got on this? Come on, come on. And they was like,
- 7:22no. And my mom was like, oh, you forgot to invite
- 7:27this person. Well, let's talk about your checkbook,
- 7:30bro. Right, right. Tell me how it's going to
- 7:33work. It's been fun. Well, let me say this. It
- 7:36wasn't fun at first because we were going to
- 7:38do a destination. Yeah, you was tripping. But,
- 7:41you know, I allowed, you know. Well, you know,
- 7:43you hear people say, oh, destination's much cheaper.
- 7:47I don't believe that at all. That stressed me
- 7:49out so bad that I said no. I don't believe that
- 7:53at all. No destination. And I had everything
- 7:57I wanted and everything we agreed on together
- 8:00within like two or three weeks. And then I was
- 8:03like, why does it take people so long? You either
- 8:05know what you want or you don't. Well, you've
- 8:07been thinking about it for a minute. I mean,
- 8:10don't put me out there. I haven't been thinking
- 8:12about it like that. Come on now. You know, y
- 8:15'all women, y 'all from childhood, y 'all think
- 8:19about this thing. I know what I like and what
- 8:21I don't like. Okay. Okay. Well, with all of that,
- 8:24congratulations. Well, thank you, Kim. We're
- 8:27so happy for you. I'm excited. And I think it's
- 8:31time for a Coffie break. All right, y 'all. So
- 8:40for this Coffie break, I want to say you deserve
- 8:42rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation. Give yourself
- 8:47permission to recharge. You know, simple but
- 8:51sweet because, you know, it's that season where
- 8:56we get so sidetracked by holidays and all of
- 9:01that. And, you know, you need time to rest. You
- 9:05need time to relax, rejuvenate. Yeah, I've been
- 9:09taking care of my mom, and my wife constantly
- 9:12reminds me, you've got to rest. You've got to
- 9:16get some sleep. You've got to recoup. You've
- 9:19got to regenerate, because once you go down,
- 9:22no one is going to get anything out of you. Right.
- 9:27It's important to listen to that recoup and that
- 9:31relaxation. That reminds me. Notice how easy
- 9:36it is to fall, but how hard it is to get back
- 9:40up. It takes a little bit more energy. Yeah,
- 9:42you talking about my grades in college. It was
- 9:49easy to get that 3 -4 freshman year, but when
- 9:52I went down to a 1 -4, it took me forever to
- 9:56get back up to 2 -5. What does the good Donnie
- 10:00McClurkin say? We fall down. We fall down. But
- 10:03we get up. We get up. Hey, hey, hey, we're talking
- 10:06about some great things today, but we've got
- 10:09a guest in the house that is really, you know,
- 10:12that coffee break was right on time. Absolutely.
- 10:17It flows right into. It's going to flow. It's
- 10:19going to flow. That segway, I see you. You're
- 10:22segging right on in. Like the dew in the morning.
- 10:25Come on, you act like you ain't been off. Okay.
- 10:26Gently rest upon my heart. Amen. Okay, okay.
- 10:29All right, so I am excited because today. We
- 10:33have one of our policy council members. She's
- 10:37a member of policy council. And someone I met,
- 10:40well, actually through policy council. And what
- 10:42intrigued me about her is, like, I knew she looked
- 10:46at our data because she had questions. Oh, my.
- 10:50Yes. Someone is putting that effort into it.
- 10:54So we are talking to Ms. Dr. Clarissa Bell. How
- 10:59are you doing? I'm fabulous. Yay! So I just,
- 11:04I won't. I don't want to do any introductions
- 11:06about her because I actually want you to tell
- 11:09the viewers about yourself and your background
- 11:13and all that good jazz. OK, well, all right.
- 11:16You just throw me in there. I just throw you
- 11:19in. Well, my name is Dr. Clarissa Bell. I'm a
- 11:23licensed psychologist specializing in working
- 11:27with trauma exposed children. And I think a big
- 11:30part of my mission really is to help create healing
- 11:33communities. because as traumatic events happen
- 11:37in the context of relationships, healing also
- 11:39happens in the context of relationships. So within
- 11:43my practice, we do a lot of training and consulting
- 11:45with child -serving organizations, as well as
- 11:48something that's super important to me is my
- 11:51spiritual life. And so we also really try to
- 11:54focus on helping churches and clergymen help
- 11:57those who are having mental health struggles.
- 11:59How do we create church environments and communities?
- 12:03So that when people come to you, it can be also
- 12:06an environment where they can have that continual
- 12:09restoration as well as a positive experience
- 12:12as they try to address their mental health difficulties.
- 12:15You talking to me? She talking to me? Don't even
- 12:17know it. I love that. I love that because, you
- 12:20know, in the faith -based organizations, you
- 12:26know, give it to God. But give it to God and
- 12:31go to hell with therapists. That's what I think.
- 12:33You know? We need Jesus and therapy. Yes. Absolutely.
- 12:37Absolutely. We'll take whatever that's going
- 12:39to heal. Yeah. There we go. Whatever's going
- 12:41to heal. And some people see it one way and some
- 12:44people see it another way. But healing is essential.
- 12:46We've got to heal. And, yeah. And you know what?
- 12:51One of the things that sticks out, like, with
- 12:56the Head Start program is we are teaching the
- 12:58children early. However, when we bring parents
- 13:02in, when we bring staff in, it's harder for us
- 13:05to be able to connect with the healing At that
- 13:12time, we weren't taught at an early age on how
- 13:15to connect, how to deal with our emotions, how
- 13:17to express our feelings. So we are definitely
- 13:21going to get into the children. But what do you
- 13:24see when it comes to adults being able to process
- 13:29the trauma and how is there a way for adults
- 13:33to get out of that? You know, just the trauma
- 13:38and broken trauma. You go ahead. You're the professional.
- 13:43I feel like this is going to be an hour. Yes,
- 13:46yes, yes. You know, I think this is the thing
- 13:49about a traumatic event. Many times it's kind
- 13:53of if a fish doesn't always realize they're in
- 13:55water. if that makes sense. A lot of times there's
- 13:58a lot of maladaptive functioning around us, a
- 14:01lot of patterns, and those things don't oftentimes
- 14:04just happen with the person in front of you.
- 14:06There isn't a lineage, and there are things that
- 14:09they've seen and things that they've experienced.
- 14:11And one thing I'm so excited about, particularly
- 14:13within minority and brown communities, is that
- 14:16the understanding of mental health and that the
- 14:19understanding that our mind and our emotional
- 14:22functioning matters, that's becoming a lot more
- 14:24normalized. people are more willing to talk about
- 14:27it. So I think the first step in addressing anything
- 14:30is level of awareness. We have to be aware that
- 14:33there is a problem. We have to be aware that
- 14:35there is something going on. And also I think
- 14:38another step is that knowledge gap of knowing
- 14:41now that I know, what am I going to do with something
- 14:43about it, you know? Because a lot of times I
- 14:45think... We are in an interesting space where
- 14:48mental health is becoming so much more normalized.
- 14:51Yes. And people are talking about their mental
- 14:54struggles. But sometimes we have a tendency to
- 14:57bleed all over each other. And when I say that
- 15:00is we will embrace that issue and we'll talk
- 15:04about that issue. But then we are either stuck
- 15:06or incapable of taking the next step of addressing
- 15:10those things. And so kind of going back to your
- 15:13initial question, what can adults do? First,
- 15:16I think become aware. Secondly, begin to seek
- 15:19community and resources as well as understanding
- 15:22of self so they can start addressing those things.
- 15:25Gotcha. That's powerful. We're going to continue
- 15:28talking with Dr. Clarissa Bell after this break.
- 15:34You are listening to Look Who's Talking. This
- 15:52past year has highlighted the strength of Community
- 15:54Action Council. Every day, our staff works together
- 15:58to help families recover from this crisis. We're
- 16:01educating children at home and in person, helping
- 16:04parents who lost their jobs, and helping households
- 16:06avoid eviction. Our work at Community Action
- 16:09Council has never been more important than it
- 16:11is right now. So why not join us? We have employment
- 16:14opportunities requiring a range of skills from
- 16:17entry level to advanced. Apply online at commaction.
- 16:22Thank you. Community Action Council's Head Start
- 16:25programs are now enrolling for the 24 -25 school
- 16:28year in 15 counties, including Lexington. Head
- 16:30Start offers high -quality early childhood education
- 16:33for qualifying families with children between
- 16:35the ages of 6 weeks and 5 years old. Spaces are
- 16:38limited and filling up quickly. So, to help ensure
- 16:41your child receives the Head Start advantage
- 16:43this year, start your application today by calling
- 16:46859 -233 -4600 or go online at comaction .org.
- 16:53That's C -O -M -M -Action .org. are listening
- 17:25to look who's talking and today we are talking
- 17:28with dr clarissa bell now dr bell you said something
- 17:32right before the break about the black and brown
- 17:35community embracing mental health and i was kind
- 17:41of shocked you said that because typically in
- 17:43my opinion we do we okay so we embrace it but
- 17:48we don't deal with it and let me give you an
- 17:50example everybody know I hate to say it this
- 17:54way, but crazy Pookie on the corner. Everybody
- 17:56know that Pookie got some issues, right? And
- 17:59so when the police come, the community stands
- 18:02up and say, hey, wait a minute, hold on. Pookie's
- 18:04got some issues, right? But we haven't dealt
- 18:08with Pookie's issues. Is that what you're talking
- 18:12about when you're embracing mental health? Because
- 18:14it seems like, in my opinion, the communities
- 18:17embrace it. We know. those that are in our community
- 18:21that are in struggling and need some help but
- 18:24i'm not sure if they're getting the help so you're
- 18:28asking a really nuanced question And I do want
- 18:32to kind of level set and make it clear that I
- 18:36think within our culture and community, we've
- 18:38always had some level of awareness and we have
- 18:41dealt with mental health issues. Right. We may
- 18:44not use those. Correct. All right. I'm not going
- 18:46to say correct. That's a terrible way to phrase
- 18:47that. We may have not used clinical terms. So,
- 18:52you know, somebody say my nerves bad. Right.
- 18:55That's anxiety. Right. You know, somebody, you
- 18:58know, somebody say, you know, you know, they
- 19:02just a little off. Right. You know, that could
- 19:05be talking about somebody who experiencing psychosis
- 19:07or somebody that kind of talks to themselves,
- 19:10you know. So we have had language to deal with
- 19:13these things. Right. But there are so many reasons
- 19:17why. And I don't want to make this just a motivation
- 19:19issue. There are so many reasons why people have
- 19:22not always dealt with it with the standard. medical
- 19:25community to address mental health difficulties.
- 19:27That's a long history of how brown people and
- 19:32black people have been conceptualized within
- 19:34those communities, how they have been treated.
- 19:36So I think there are very real reasons why people
- 19:39have not always directly addressed mental health
- 19:43in those ways. But we have used community. We
- 19:46have used our churches to address those things.
- 19:50So I think what we're starting to see now is...
- 19:53do think is generational the younger generation
- 19:56they're much more likely to seek out services
- 19:59within the the medical community and the the
- 20:04therapeutic community um where my grandma grandma's
- 20:08not gonna do that she ain't gonna do that um
- 20:10but yet and still she has had ways of coping
- 20:13right and and i think it's important to say that
- 20:17when we deal with trauma and deal with our mental
- 20:20health difficulties Dealing is such a broad term.
- 20:23I, from the standpoint, I don't believe everybody
- 20:26has to go to therapy. Some people believe that.
- 20:29I tell my clients when I was doing therapeutic
- 20:32work, you weren't born with a therapist. My role
- 20:35in your life is temporary. My role in your life
- 20:38is get you to baselines, help build up community
- 20:40so that those natural coping can kick in. But
- 20:44I do think we're at a place now where people.
- 20:47You got to think about how the pendulum swings.
- 20:49Either people are all the way in or all the way
- 20:52out. And I think what people are doing now is
- 20:55we're talking about mental health. We're using
- 20:58the terms, you know, you can go on TikTok and
- 21:01diagnose yourself and YouTube. But what people
- 21:05aren't doing is they're using these clinical
- 21:06terms without maybe a full knowledge. And then
- 21:09they are using those terms in a way that allows
- 21:12them or that promotes them staying in those maladaptive
- 21:16patterns. Awareness of anxiety doesn't mean that
- 21:21that anxiety, we just sit in it. Now that we
- 21:23are aware of it, what are we going to do about
- 21:25it, right? You may have anxiety that prevents
- 21:28you from moving forward in particular areas of
- 21:31your life, from addressing certain things, and
- 21:33that is very real. That needs to be acknowledged
- 21:35and validated. And we're going to do that. But
- 21:38once we do that, now we have to build skills
- 21:41and community to deal with it. And I think that's
- 21:44the place where we need. our adults to go because
- 21:48when they're able to go there they're able to
- 21:50model those things for children i'm so glad you
- 21:53said that so bringing it to our kids dealing
- 21:57with trauma tell us what because a lot of our
- 22:05older generation have dealt with trauma and have
- 22:08not dealt with trauma what should we be looking
- 22:11for in our children that are have experienced
- 22:15trauma So I always say this. Children will show
- 22:20you before they tell you. Right. And unfortunately,
- 22:26we conceptualize a lot of the misbehaviors, the
- 22:32acting out as they just bad. Right. You know,
- 22:36you know, you just need a whooping, you know,
- 22:38or, you know, we. We have this as a poor behavior
- 22:45and decision issue, but these children are asking
- 22:48you for help, right? So when we have children
- 22:51who may be noncompliant, aggressive, children
- 22:57that are defiant, fear does not always look like,
- 23:01you know? We have a lot of anxious kids. And
- 23:05anxiety, you know, we have that fight, flight,
- 23:08or freeze response. Some of our children lash
- 23:10out. Some of them pull in, and some of them just,
- 23:14like, don't know what to do, right? So I think
- 23:17when you ask the question, what are we looking
- 23:19for in our children, I think we have to start
- 23:21looking at those behavior markers. And I always
- 23:24say, and this is the way I talk about my kids
- 23:28and my parents when I work with them, I believe
- 23:30people do the best that they can with where they
- 23:32are. I believe we are motivated to seek things
- 23:37from our environment. So if I have a kid who
- 23:40is constantly acting out, constantly acting out,
- 23:43if I have a kid who's really withdrawn, even
- 23:46those developmental delays, developmental delays
- 23:49are also significantly tied to traumatic events.
- 23:53We have a lot of kids who have speech delays
- 23:56and those type things. When I'm seeing those
- 23:58things, I am asking myself, one, what happened
- 24:02to you? And two, what is the benefit of this
- 24:05that you're doing right now? Wow. Right? And
- 24:08so I need to figure out what happened, and I
- 24:11need to figure out what's the gain. And if I
- 24:14figure out what happened, I can target the root.
- 24:16And if I figure out what's the gain, then I can
- 24:19start helping you achieve that goal in a much
- 24:22more productive manner for the environment. So
- 24:26I want to ask, you know, we continue to say trauma
- 24:30and trauma exposed. What are, I think, folks,
- 24:34you know. you know, think about major issues
- 24:39like dealing with death, dealing with, you know,
- 24:44can you give us some of the types of traumas
- 24:47that could... lead to a child possibly acting
- 24:52out? Yes. So, all right, I'm going to give you
- 24:54the clinical term, and then we're just going
- 24:56to make it real simple, okay? So when we say
- 24:59a traumatic event, that is when a child or an
- 25:02individual experiences, directly or indirectly,
- 25:06experiences meaning it happened to me, my person,
- 25:09my being, or I witnessed it happen to someone
- 25:12else, and through that experience, they believe
- 25:15their life was in danger or a serious threat.
- 25:18And so you oftentimes feel emotions of fear,
- 25:22helplessness, hopelessness. And your ability
- 25:25to cope with that thing is overwhelmed, right?
- 25:28Because I think it's really important to level
- 25:30set and help us understand that just because
- 25:32you experience something really scary doesn't
- 25:36mean that you're going to have a traumatic reaction.
- 25:39The trauma is the event. But when you are traumatized,
- 25:45that is looking at your reaction to that event.
- 25:48We can have two different children who live in
- 25:51the same house, go through the same thing, and
- 25:54one is just like, I mean, yeah, it was real bad,
- 25:56but, you know, I mean, I got through it. Yeah.
- 25:59Right? And then you have one kid that's like,
- 26:01yeah, it was real bad, and I'm stuck. Now, one
- 26:04kid isn't better than the other. They're no different.
- 26:07They have different reactions. Yes. And so trauma
- 26:10is the event. Our response is that traumatic
- 26:14reaction, right? And so people oftentimes think
- 26:18of trauma as the big tease, you know. Physical
- 26:22abuse, any type of abuse, domestic violence,
- 26:25being in a storm can be a big T. Going through
- 26:28a traumatic storm, a car accident, a dog bite,
- 26:31all those things can be traumatic. However, there
- 26:33are also little T's that we can go through. And
- 26:36we look at these as distressing events. Parent
- 26:40conflictual interactions. Maybe nobody was fighting
- 26:43at my house, but everybody was always yelling.
- 26:45And I didn't know what was going to happen. That
- 26:47can be a little tea. Food insecurity. Not knowing
- 26:51where things are going to be. Not knowing where
- 26:53you're going to lay your head. Housing insecurity.
- 26:56All those things can be, and I wouldn't even
- 26:58say those little teas, but they're just things
- 27:00that people oftentimes don't think about. Having
- 27:02a parent who's incarcerated can also be traumatizing
- 27:05for some kids. Bullying at school. So the bottom
- 27:11line is you define what's traumatic for you.
- 27:15I don't define it. Nobody else can define it.
- 27:18You define what's traumatic to you, and then
- 27:21we look at your response to that event. What
- 27:25are some self -care matters for caregivers of
- 27:31traumatic children? So this is the thing, I think,
- 27:36with self -care when it comes to addressing the
- 27:40trauma of your children or the trauma of yourself,
- 27:42right? So I think one thing we realize is that
- 27:46when a traumatic event happens, let's imagine
- 27:49it like a flame, right? Like a fire. You know,
- 27:52life has happened. You're trying to put this
- 27:54fire out, but all the things I'm doing is just
- 27:56not working, right? And so we have kids who are
- 27:59triggered all over the place. They're flaming.
- 28:01You have parents who are triggered all over the
- 28:03place. They're flaming. And I say fire plus fire
- 28:05equals a hot mess, right? And that's what we
- 28:08get a lot in homes where people are dealing with
- 28:12intense mental health or life crises. It's just
- 28:16fires everywhere. It's an intense environment.
- 28:18So we have to find some water to put it out.
- 28:21And that's what our self -care is all about.
- 28:24Self -care, we have kind of worded it down to
- 28:27I'm going to go get my nails done. I'm going
- 28:29to go buy a new outfit. I'm going to go hang
- 28:32out with my girlfriends. All those things can
- 28:34be self -care. Come on, but tell the truth. You
- 28:37know? So, hey, you can slide some extra money
- 28:40in somebody's wallet, you know, be a blessing.
- 28:42But also I think the significance of self -care
- 28:46for adults who are traumatized and working with
- 28:49trauma -exposed children is that you actually
- 28:51provide space for. people to regulate and heal.
- 28:55That is what you're doing. That is why self -care
- 28:58is so essential. This is not just a fad term,
- 29:02but it's an essential part of the healing process.
- 29:04If you're always escalated, how can you de -escalate
- 29:08a child? If mama is always or daddy is always
- 29:11tense, how can a child look at you to help co
- 29:14-regulate? So somebody has to bring down the
- 29:17temperature, have to ground themselves. rejuvenate
- 29:22so that they can be an anchor for the family.
- 29:25And that's what self -care allows adults to do.
- 29:28That's great. That's awesome. Honey, this is
- 29:31some good stuff. I'm over here just a grinning.
- 29:36That's powerful. That's powerful because I always
- 29:40use this as an example. And I hope you know what
- 29:43I'm going to say. Prince of Tides. Have you seen
- 29:45that movie? Prince of Tides. Oh. Anyway, it's
- 29:50a great movie, and it's dealing with childhood
- 29:53trauma. There was some prisoners that broke loose,
- 29:58broke in the house. I have seen that movie. That
- 30:00is a good movie. I always identify with that
- 30:03because of trauma experience. Not that, but trauma
- 30:07experience is a child that's not dealt with.
- 30:10That it was hushed up and they went on with life.
- 30:14And just like you said, one reacted one way.
- 30:17But even him being okay, Nick Nolte, him being
- 30:21okay was not okay. But his sister dealt with
- 30:26it in a totally different way. And then they
- 30:29went, there was a therapist who was trying to
- 30:35figure out what's going on with your sister.
- 30:36And she began to... be with him and realize the
- 30:40trauma that they all had not dealt with. Oh,
- 30:43wow. But it is, it is, it is really sad. It is
- 30:48a heavy movie. It's very, very heavy. It's, I've
- 30:51only seen it like once, but I never forgot it.
- 30:54Yes. And so, you know, our children, our children
- 30:59are dealing with things. Even when we try to
- 31:02keep them awake, because my mom and them, they
- 31:04never talked to us about bills. We never knew
- 31:06what was going on. But we knew when something
- 31:09was wrong. Yes. Yeah. We knew when it wasn't
- 31:12right. And so I encourage everyone to deal with
- 31:20trauma that's in your life. Because even when
- 31:26you think it's not affecting you, it is. For
- 31:28sure. And I wanted to say, even about that, I
- 31:32think sometimes our response as adults when we
- 31:37go through is to make sure our children never
- 31:39go through, right? And so we then begin to build
- 31:43this idea in our head that, you know, if my daddy
- 31:48was violent and aggressive towards my mom, I'm
- 31:51never going to raise my voice, right? I don't
- 31:53deal with conflict. You know, I don't fuss. Or,
- 31:57you know, if I had a lot of housing instability
- 32:00or different things, I'm going to make sure my
- 32:02children have all these things that I never had.
- 32:05And I think those things are very noble and we
- 32:08do want to create healthy environments. But I
- 32:10also want to. remind everyone that trauma lives
- 32:13in us. Our body remembers. And so you may not
- 32:18put them in that same environment, but some of
- 32:21those ways you cope. I don't fuss, but I just
- 32:24avoid all conflict. So no one ever knows how
- 32:27to resolve anything in our family. If there's
- 32:29an issue, we don't yell about it, but we don't
- 32:31deal with it, right? So as adults, even if your
- 32:34children are not in those environments, we have
- 32:36to heal so we model positive things for them.
- 32:39That's it. I know you're going to have to come
- 32:43back. Yeah, you're going to have to come back
- 32:45and give us some more time. So how can people
- 32:48I'm not sure exactly what you're practicing,
- 32:51but how can people find you? How can people get
- 32:54in touch with you? So awesome. Thank you for
- 32:57asking. So I do not. Take direct clients, which
- 33:02means I don't do therapy. There are a lot of
- 33:05great providers in our area. But if you do have
- 33:10an organization and you are in need of training,
- 33:15consulting, I'm going through a rebrand right
- 33:18now on my website. But my website is www .hire
- 33:23-horizons .com. That's the best way of getting
- 33:41in contact with me. Reach out. I love to talk
- 33:44about training and consulting opportunities for
- 33:47your organization or ministry. She'll be back
- 33:51on the show. Yes, she will. Okay. Thank you so
- 33:53much for being on the show. You have been listening
- 33:56to Liverpool. Talking.