Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 128: The Art of Showing Up: Measurable Ways to Boost Your Self-Worth

Transcript

128: The Art of Showing Up: Measurable Ways to Boost Your Self-Worth · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is Maryann Walker and I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:27
  And a question that I asked really often in my coaching practice is how will, you know, I like to make things really measurable for my clients.
• 0:36
  So I'll ask them, how will you know?
• 0:38
  How will, you know, when you've made it?
• 0:39
  How will, you know, when this relationship is the one?
• 0:43
  How will, you know, when this relationship, isn't the one,?
• 0:46
  How will, you know?
• 0:47
  What is it that you're looking for?
• 0:48
  What are your qualifiers so that you'll know.
• 0:51
  What it is that you're looking for, right.
• 0:53
  So I help my clients to make it really measurable for them to really bring things into clarity.
• 0:57
  And for the most part, when I ask the question, the brain fills it in, in an amazing way.
• 1:03
  And let them know.
• 1:03
  Yes.
• 1:04
  Okay.
• 1:04
  This is how I can make this measurable for me.
• 1:07
  The brain is just awesome like that.
• 1:08
  And for the most part, my clients, they know what it is that they are looking for.
• 1:12
  Once the question has been asked, the brain will just fill it in.
• 1:15
  They know what it is that they're looking for.
• 1:17
  They instantly know what their red flags and green flags are and what it is that they're looking for so they can have that clarity moving forward about, okay.
• 1:24
  Yes, this is how I will know when I have achieved this goal.
• 1:28
  But there's one question that a lot of highly sensitive people get hung up on.
• 1:32
  And that is how will, you know, when you have shown up well?
• 1:37
  And the interesting thing that happens when I ask my clients, how will you knowing you have shown up well, is they like to make their qualifiers be things that are outside of their control?
• 1:48
  And so they might make it be, oh, well, I'll know that I've shown up well if they are happy and if they respond well, then I'll know that I did a good job.
• 1:57
  They make the qualifier be something outside of their control.
• 2:00
  So I might ask them, how will you know when you have shown up?
• 2:03
  Well, And they'll tell me all of the things outside of them, that will be their qualifiers that will let them know.
• 2:08
  Oh, yeah, I did a good job.
• 2:09
  Now, just so you know, this is a very common thing to do.
• 2:11
  So, as I'm talking about this, please don't guilt yourself about it.
• 2:15
  This is all about just raising your own personal awareness so that you can be more clear moving forward.
• 2:20
  So that's what we're going to talk about today is how to measure your own ability to show up through love, kindness, empathy, and authenticity, in a way that makes it about you and not about the other person and their emotional response.
• 2:35
  So to kind of illustrate this point, I'm going to tell you a story about somebody that I'm just going to call Jerry.
• 2:40
  Now, of course, the name is totally made up, but this is a really common scenario in my practice.
• 2:45
  So you'll notice I'm going to be keeping things kind of vague here, because seriously, there are so many examples that I could give around this very thing.
• 2:52
  So Jerry has a lot of white Knight energy, meaning that he is always on the lookout for somebody that he can rescue.
• 2:59
  And if this sounds like you, please go and check out my mini series on the drama triangle.
• 3:03
  It's just a little three part series.
• 3:05
  I'll be sure to link it in the show notes, but that series can give you an idea of why this white Knight energy, why this rescuer energy it's not always helpful or supportive.
• 3:14
  So again, go and check that out.
• 3:16
  So Jerry, the white Knight has found himself in a situation where he's had to offer some.
• 3:21
  I don't know, let's call it constructive feedback to a friend.
• 3:25
  The friend is doing something that is not supportive for their relationship.
• 3:30
  And Jerry quite frankly, is feeling really burned out by these negative patterns of behavior.
• 3:35
  Now, this could be any number of things, right?
• 3:36
  So this could be somebody that is going back to an addiction.
• 3:40
  It could be somebody that is not reciprocating or investing in the relationship.
• 3:44
  It could be somebody making comments that could easily be taken as a hurtful jab.
• 3:48
  It could be any number of things, And because Jerry and this friend had talked about it before and Jerry knows the pattern, then Jerry is really worried about bringing this up again.
• 3:59
  So after Jerry basically acknowledged that, yes, this is a pattern of behavior.
• 4:03
  I said, okay, Jerry.
• 4:04
  Tell me the pattern.
• 4:05
  What's the pattern here.
• 4:06
  He said, okay, well, I get really burned out and really frustrated.
• 4:10
  And then I bring this to my friend and I talk to them about their negative behaviors and then my friend gets upset and then I end up apologizing to them and placating them so that they'll feel better.
• 4:20
  And then things are okay for a while.
• 4:22
  And then the friend repeats the negative behaviors again, and I'm burned out again, and bringing it to him again and nothing is changing.
• 4:30
  So Jerry really wants to break this cycle.
• 4:32
  But he doesn't know how.
• 4:34
  So I reminded Jerry that he's the one on the coaching call.
• 4:37
  So I wasn't going to address the friends behaviors at all.
• 4:40
  I was only going to address how he was showing up and his contribution to this negative pattern.
• 4:46
  Because the irony is Jerry was upset that his friend kept repeating the sabotaging behaviors.
• 4:52
  But Jerry himself knows the pattern of this conversation and Jerry also was not making any changes to this pattern.
• 5:01
  And this is often the case is oftentimes we are judging other people and we fail to see that this person is actually maybe our own mirror and reflecting back to us how it is that we're showing up that we are also not changing, but that will be another episode.
• 5:17
  So in this call, I reminded Jerry that I was only going to talk to him about how he was showing up and remind him of the things that are and are not within his control.
• 5:27
  Because too often, we attach our value to things that are out of our control.
• 5:30
  Right.
• 5:30
  So I asked him, I said, okay, so how will you know, when you have shown up well when you go to have this conversation.
• 5:37
  And he said, well, all know that I have shown up well in this conversation because my friend won't be mad.
• 5:43
  Now, let me tell you a few problems with that cat.
• 5:45
  I'm going to specifically address five different problems with that.
• 5:48
  But there are a lot of problems that come from making somebody outside of you, the qualifier that lets, you know, if you have shown up well or not.
• 5:55
  So the first problem with this is Jerry is actually over owning his friend's emotional response.
• 6:01
  So not only does Jerry need to learn to work through his own emotions and learn how to self regulate, but his friend also needs the opportunity to learn how to navigate it when somebody else lets them know that, Hey, your actions and behaviors are actually having a negative impact on this relationship.
• 6:16
  And the friend needs to learn.
• 6:18
  How to navigate their emotions on their own, right?
• 6:20
  It is not Jerry's job to make sure they don't have any negative emotions when they're trying to work and shift their own negative patterns of behavior.
• 6:29
  All right, the second problem with this.
• 6:30
  Your worth and self esteem then become dependent on external validation.
• 6:35
  When you make somebody else outside of you the qualifier for how you're showing up in relationship, then you are placing your sense of self-worth in their hands.
• 6:44
  This leads to a constant need for approval and validation from others, which can really make it difficult to develop that strong sense of self that we are all seeking.
• 6:53
  Your value, shouldn't be contingent upon how somebody else reacts or how somebody else feels about a situation.
• 7:00
  It needs to come from within you.
• 7:02
  All right.
• 7:02
  Number three, it diminishes your own authenticity.
• 7:06
  We are all wanting to be authentic beings and be able to speak our truth.
• 7:10
  Right.
• 7:11
  So when you prioritize someone else's reaction over your own truth, Then you might start altering your behaviors, your words, or your actions to fit what it is that they want.
• 7:21
  So with, Jerry, Jerry's going to be tweaking his words and trying to soften the blow, but then he might not actually be conveying the message that he wants to convey.
• 7:29
  He is out of alignment with his own integrity.
• 7:31
  If he is trying to show up in such a way to not create an emotional response in his friend.
• 7:37
  And over time, this can actually create a lot of resentment and disconnect in the very relationship that you were wanting to preserve.
• 7:44
  So just notice that for yourself, you're not actually doing any favors for anybody when you're showing up through that lens and it can really be good to just stand in your own power and show up authentically.
• 7:53
  If you want those genuine connections.
• 7:56
  In relationship.
• 7:57
  All right.
• 7:58
  Number four, it disempowers you and it creates unhealthy relationship dynamics.
• 8:03
  Relying on others to validate your actions or emotions can create a power imbalance in relationships.
• 8:08
  And when you give someone else the power to determine your worth or your success.
• 8:13
  Then you are essentially disempowering yourself.
• 8:16
  And something I tell my clients all the time when they're facing the situation is why are you giving them the control over how you feel?
• 8:23
  Because the reason why you're upset in the first place is because they're not even showing up in the way that you would like them to, but you have now given them control over how you feel.
• 8:33
  And of course, when we do that, not only are you disempowering yourself, but this can also lead to codependency where your emotional wellbeing is now tied to the approval or behavior of others.
• 8:43
  And that can really make it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries.
• 8:48
  And number five, it limits personal growth and self-reflection.
• 8:52
  By making others the benchmark for your success or value you miss out on the opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.
• 8:59
  When you focus on how others perceive you rather than how you perceive yourself, then you might avoid facing your own areas of improvement or acknowledging your own strengths.
• 9:09
  Right.
• 9:09
  We're making everything contingent upon other people.
• 9:12
  We're not actually self reflecting to make it measurable for ourselves.
• 9:15
  So the true growth comes from within.
• 9:17
  It comes through introspection.
• 9:19
  It comes from a commitment to becoming the best version of yourself independent of other people's emotional reactions or other people's opinions about how it is that you should be showing up.
• 9:30
  So I want you to think for just a moment about how it is that you already turning your worth and your value as it pertains to your relationships with others.
• 9:39
  Are you making your worth and value conditional upon how others are showing up and responding to you?
• 9:44
  Or are you taking the time to really assess for yourself how it is that you want to show up and really standing solid and secure in that?
• 9:53
  So let's talk about a few ways that we can determine our own personal levels of success by focusing on our own personal growth, our own self-awareness and the impact of our actions rather than actually relying on the external validation from others.
• 10:08
  So here's a few ideas that can help.
• 10:09
  Number one set, clear intentions and goals.
• 10:13
  Define what success looks like for you, not for other people, but for you define what success looks like for you by setting clear intentions for how it is that you want to show up in relationship.
• 10:24
  For example, your goal might be to communicate your feelings, honestly.
• 10:28
  And respectfully that is measurable for you.
• 10:30
  You know, if you're being honest and you know, if you're being respectful and that is about how you are showing up and you can do this regardless of how the other person is going to emotional respond.
• 10:40
  And that does take a lot of courage.
• 10:42
  Right?
• 10:42
  So in Jerry's case then maybe this is a situation where his friend really does need to know the impact that their actions are having on their relationship.
• 10:50
  And yeah, when we find out that our actions have negatively impacted somebody that we care about, it doesn't feel good.
• 10:56
  And it can be really a hard thing for the receiver to say, oh wow, thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.
• 11:02
  Right.
• 11:02
  It can be really hard to do that in the moment.
• 11:04
  And more than likely then Jerry's friend is going to need some time to really sit with that and do some self reflection around how their behaviors might be negatively impacting their relationship.
• 11:17
  So Jerry's friend might be responding in an immature way, but this is because subconsciously Jerry's friend really likes how things have been going.
• 11:24
  Right.
• 11:25
  It's working for Jerry's friend.
• 11:27
  It's not working for Jerry.
• 11:28
  They might have some emotions around that because there's been a certain level of cognitive dissonance around the relationship, right.
• 11:35
  It's working for the friend.
• 11:36
  It's not working for Jerry.
• 11:37
  There's going to be some emotions there, but that's okay.
• 11:40
  And that is part of the process.
• 11:42
  A huge piece of this is just allowing people to have their emotional response and allowing them to learn how to navigate it.
• 11:48
  And that leads into number two, emotional regulation and self reflection.
• 11:53
  Assess your success by how well you manage your emotions, both during and after these interactions, how was it that you were emotionally navigating things as you are engaging with the person?
• 12:05
  What does that feel like?
• 12:07
  And then when you see what their emotional response is, how are you going to navigate their response after the fact?
• 12:13
  What is that going to look like for you?
• 12:15
  So, if you can remain calm, centered, and self regulated, even when faced with potential conflict or discomfort, then that really demonstrates that you are successfully managing your own emotional response and not reacting impulsively.
• 12:29
  Just so, you know, coaching is absolutely huge for this, for the emotional processing.
• 12:34
  That is a huge part of what I do in coaching.
• 12:37
  It can take some time to learn how to process these emotions, especially when you've been going through life, essentially being conditioned to prioritize other people's emotions.
• 12:45
  This is what it is like to be a people pleaser, to be that white Knight, and especially when you're an empath or a highly sensitive person, we do tend to prioritize other people's emotions because we feel so uncomfortable when they are experiencing a negative emotion, it can be hard to differentiate self when someone is having a negative emotion, but remember that their response is about them and how you are showing up is about you.
• 13:11
  Make it measurable so that you can have that reassurance that you are showing up well.
• 13:17
  All right.
• 13:17
  Number three, staying true to your own values.
• 13:21
  Evaluate your success based on how well you are adhering to your own personal values.
• 13:26
  So maybe your values are honesty, integrity, and kindness.
• 13:30
  If you can engage in these difficult conversations while maintaining these values then you can consider it a success regardless of the outcome, regardless of if they throw a tantrum.
• 13:41
  K, the people are going to do what they're going to do.
• 13:42
  We cannot control the other people, but you can check in with yourself and see what your own values are and make sure that you are acting according to your own value system.
• 13:52
  When we really take the time to decide what our top priority or our top value is in the moment, it can really help to calm down the nervous system so that we can act through a more clear lens.
• 14:03
  So remind yourself, okay.
• 14:05
  What is it that I'm prioritizing right now?
• 14:07
  For example, if you know, in that moment that creating safety and longevity and relationship is your top priority it's going to make it easier for you to state your boundaries.
• 14:16
  Right?
• 14:17
  It's going to make it easier for you to speak your truth.
• 14:19
  But bring that into your conscious awareness that it is a top priority.
• 14:23
  Otherwise you might find that you're sliding into your old ways of prioritizing short term peace by people pleasing and placating in relationship, rather than prioritizing that longterm peace that can come from actually communicating what it is that would make the relationship more sustainable for you.
• 14:40
  Okay.
• 14:40
  So keep that in mind, check in with how you are showing up and notice if your actions and behaviors are prioritizing short-term peace, which is going to have to be corrected again and again, or if you're willing to lean into the temporary discomfort in order to create that longterm peace check in with your values and make sure they're in alignment with how it is that you want to show up.
• 15:01
  Right.
• 15:01
  Number four, observing personal growth over time.
• 15:05
  Success can also be measured by progress over time.
• 15:09
  So you can reflect on how your approach and mindset have evolved over time.
• 15:13
  For example, if you notice that you are now less reactive, or maybe you notice that you're more confident when it comes to expressing your needs, maybe you, you notice that you're better at identifying the emotion and actually making a clear request, give yourself some credit for the progress that you've made.
• 15:29
  Give yourself some credit for being willing to break the patterns, give yourself some credit for the growth that you've experienced.
• 15:35
  Give yourself some credit for being willing to lean into that discomfort and speak up in order to create a more connective and authentic relationship.
• 15:43
  You have really come a long way and come on, even listening to this podcast is a great sign that you are showing up and that you are doing the work needed.
• 15:53
  In order to create something that is more authentic and supportive for you.
• 15:57
  So keep it up, make a list.
• 15:59
  It's okay to actually write it down and make a list of the evidences of your growth.
• 16:05
  If you are growing, then you'll know that you are experiencing success and that you were on the right track.
• 16:10
  Okay.
• 16:10
  If you are repeating cycles of behavior and you're not growing, also use that as information that okay.
• 16:15
  I can just reflect on that and see the, I am also not creating change, but again, record your own process and see what is needed for you to create what it is that you actually want to create.
• 16:27
  All right.
• 16:27
  And number five, building and maintaining healthy boundaries.
• 16:31
  Determine your success by how effectively you are able to set and maintain your healthy boundaries in relationship.
• 16:39
  If you can establish boundaries that protect your wellbeing while also being considerate of the other person and if you can enforce these boundaries without guilt or fear now, initially, yeah.
• 16:47
  You might be experiencing some guilt or fear.
• 16:49
  It is totally normal to experience some fear when you're trying something new.
• 16:54
  And with the guilt, sometimes we've actually conditioned ourselves to feel guilty because we have been over owning somebody else's emotion.
• 17:01
  So notice if you are experiencing guilt and fear, and then also give yourself some credit when you've learned to let go of that, because that's a huge sign that you are taking ownership of your feelings and allowing others to take ownership and be responsible for theirs.
• 17:15
  Your ability to state a boundary is a clear sign that you are learning to navigate these relationships and that you are having that, you know, quote unquote success there by just learning how to state a boundary, regardless of if the other person is going to respect that boundary or not.
• 17:32
  So, for example, let's say that you set up a boundary with your partner around their yelling.
• 17:36
  Now I want you to remember that a boundary is an if then statement.
• 17:39
  So a boundary would not be, you can't yell at me because we can't control if they're going to yell or not, but instead your boundary would be, if you yell at me, I'm going to go and stay at my sister's place.
• 17:50
  They're still free to yell.
• 17:51
  They have that choice, but you get to decide how you are going to show up.
• 17:56
  The boundary piece is really a challenge for this population because we have grown accustomed to people, pleasing and placating other people.
• 18:05
  And we think, okay, well, if I just adjust my boundaries to accommodate them, Then they'll start to accommodate me and they'll see me more clearly, but this is not the case.
• 18:14
  So make sure with your boundary setting that you are being very clear and that you're actually following through on those boundaries.
• 18:20
  And that will be a sign that you can have of tangible growth.
• 18:25
  As you were determining how well you're showing up.
• 18:26
  Remember to just keep it about you.
• 18:29
  The other person might have a big reaction.
• 18:31
  In fact, as you break these patterns of behavior, it's actually highly likely that they are in fact, going to have a big reaction.
• 18:40
  They're used to things being a certain way.
• 18:42
  And you are the one that is changing the dynamic by speaking up.
• 18:46
  But their emotional response does not mean that you have done anything wrong.
• 18:52
  So let me share a few specific examples about how you can make your level of showing up be really measurable for you so you can know if you are showing up well.
• 19:00
  Let's say that you're going into a job interview, your brain is going to make your level of success be conditional upon if you get the job or not.
• 19:08
  But there are a lot of factors at play when it comes to who's going to get hired.
• 19:12
  We don't necessarily know how many people applied for the job, how qualified they are.
• 19:16
  Who knows who we don't know any of these things.
• 19:18
  Right.
• 19:19
  And so some more helpful qualifiers for how well you showed up might be.
• 19:23
  I smiled and I greeted my interviewer with a handshake.
• 19:27
  I shared with them in a very clear and concise way, why I thought I would be the best candidate for the job.
• 19:32
  I know, deep down that I am qualified for this job, whether I got hired or not.
• 19:37
  I do know deep down the, I am qualified for this job.
• 19:40
  And notice the, all of those things are about you and how you are showing up.
• 19:44
  It's not about the interviewer.
• 19:45
  It's about you.
• 19:47
  Another example, maybe you're going to a party and you're feeling really anxious about it.
• 19:51
  Especially the empaths sometimes going into a big party can be a little bit, unnerving.
• 19:57
  We don't know what it is that we're walking into emotionally.
• 19:59
  Right?
• 19:59
  So our tendency, when we're going into something like that is to really focus on the anxiety, to focus on resisting everything that's happening outside of us.
• 20:07
  Right.
• 20:07
  And just, ah, I don't know.
• 20:08
  This is so overwhelming for me.
• 20:10
  But focusing on the anxiety is only going to magnify it.
• 20:13
  So instead focus on the things that you can do to make it measurable for how well you showed up.
• 20:20
  So this might look like, okay, I'm going to take some time to ground and shield before going into the party.
• 20:25
  I can measure that.
• 20:26
  When I leave the party, I'm going to ground again and just release, whatever was kind of sticking to me from that party.
• 20:32
  It might look like, okay, I'm going to engage with three people.
• 20:35
  And I'm going to ask each of those three people, two to three questions about them that makes it very measurable for you.
• 20:42
  And the other person, whether they respond well or not to your questions, how they show up is about them.
• 20:49
  Remember to focus on the things that you predetermined would be good indicators for how well you are showing up.
• 20:55
  Remember to focus on the things that are about you.
• 20:59
  Another example, maybe in your marriage, then you want to share something that's been weighing on you with your spouse.
• 21:05
  Something that might be upsetting to them.
• 21:07
  Again, making it about their reaction, it might not be the best qualifier.
• 21:12
  So instead make it about how you are going to show up.
• 21:15
  Making it measurable for you might look like really clearly stating your emotions and making a clear request in relationship.
• 21:23
  Hey, I'm feeling this way and this isn't working for me.
• 21:25
  Would you be able to do this right.
• 21:27
  And making that clear request for change can be very helpful.
• 21:30
  That's making it very clear and very measurable that I showed up well.
• 21:34
  So yes, they may have a bigger reaction to your request.
• 21:38
  But their reaction is about them.
• 21:40
  And your ability or capacity to make a clear request is about you.
• 21:46
  Now as a side note, sometimes people are going to be upset because you showed up.
• 21:50
  Well, there are some times when you need to state a boundary.
• 21:54
  or you need to address something that's challenging.
• 21:56
  So let's say that you stated a boundary or you addressed somebody's addiction, or you let them know that you're no longer going to be covering down for them and making excuses for them.
• 22:04
  And that they're going to have to be accountable for their own actions.
• 22:07
  They might have a big reaction, but that does not mean that you are not standing in your own integrity and really doing a good job with that conversation.
• 22:17
  It can be really easy to fall into that trap of placating and people pleasing.
• 22:21
  In fact, in these really high stress situations, that's a stress response for many empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 22:27
  Other people's emotional state has a significant impact on how empaths and highly sensitive people feel.
• 22:34
  So it makes sense that we're going to want to people please and placate them because if they're feeling good, Then that means that we're going to feel a little bit better, right?
• 22:45
  But sometimes we're only.
• 22:46
  addressing that immediate peace we're not doing what is necessary in order to create that long term peace and recognizing the difference can make a huge difference.
• 22:56
  And remember that making it measurable that you did in fact show up.
• 23:00
  I did, in fact, do these things on my checklist.
• 23:02
  I showed up well in these areas, even when the other person reacts poorly, then that can really be helpful.
• 23:08
  And in fact, it is especially helpful to do this when the other person is having a big, emotional reaction.
• 23:13
  We can know that, Nope, I actually remained calm.
• 23:16
  That was something that was on my list was I wasn't going to yell and I was going to just remain calm and I was going to keep my replies brief and to the point, and those were all measurable things.
• 23:25
  And then they had a big explosion, but that's about them.
• 23:28
  So actually going into these conversations with an idea of what is going to make it measurable for you can actually really be helpful if you are in a relationship where the other person tends to have these big emotional reactions.
• 23:41
  So if you need help learning to stand in your own power and identify the things that are and are not in your control.
• 23:48
  come and work with me.
• 23:49
  I would love to work with you on really making things a bit more tangible and measurable for you.
• 23:54
  This is great for your own self-worth to make it measurable, right?
• 23:56
  It can give you something to really focus on and work towards to make it measurable for you.
• 24:00
  And to really see how it is that you're showing especially as I said, if you're in a toxic relationship where you're, maybe you're feeling gaslighted quite a bit, and you're not feeling secure in self, come and work with me, we can absolutely work on that.
• 24:13
  Right now.
• 24:13
  I'm currently offering six week packages.
• 24:15
  These are one-on-one packages and my clients are always coming and going.
• 24:18
  So use the link in the show notes to apply, to work with me now.
• 24:22
  And I'll see how quickly I can get you in.
• 24:24
  All right.
• 24:24
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 24:26
  Bye now.