Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / I Don't Have To - Reclaiming Your Power In Divorce & Beyond

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I Don't Have To - Reclaiming Your Power In Divorce & Beyond · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dive into today's episode, I would like to invite you to join me tonight in a free masterclass.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing you can do to heal your relationship pattern.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't join us live, there'll be a recording that I'll share with anybody who registers, and the link to register is in the show notes.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to see you there live or even register and access the replay.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing you can do to heal your relationship pattern.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is for you regardless of where you're at in your relationship journey.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Questioning a current relationship, moving through separation, divorce, reorganising life, potentially considering dating afterwards.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It will meet you wherever you're at, and I'd love to share it with you.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And now for today's episode.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't know if Mel was the first person to use this framework, but she is the one who's prominently espousing it on social media.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And she says, When you let them, whoever they are, when you let them do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna move on from that and say that you know in relationships, it is easy to get caught up in trying to control outcomes, convincing someone to stay, overanalyzing their actions, or bending over backward to keep things peaceful, harmonious, okay for the kids.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: But no matter how much effort you put in, you cannot change what's on the other side of the fence.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can only control what's on your side of the fence, you cannot force consistency or connection, effort or love from someone who isn't willing or able to give it, or from someone who simply doesn't have the capacity to meet you in the relationship in the ways you want, need, and deserve.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So you can choose to let them, let them be distant and disconnected, let them choose not to communicate, let them prioritize other things over you and the relationship, whatever it is that you let them.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do this, the truth becomes clear, the reality is opened up to you, and maybe you find that you're not aligned, maybe you're not in an equal, mutually supportive, uh loving relationship.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were holding on to potential or overly invested in the history of the relationship, the sunk cost instead of your reality.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Letting them reveals the truth, letting them reveals perhaps what you've been settling for, and it almost forces you to take a deeper, at least more honest look at whether the relationship is truly meeting your needs, whether this relationship in this iteration has the capacity to meet you and meet your needs, or perhaps you've been covering up that's probably not the right word, making excuses for somebody else's lack of effort, excusing somebody else's lack of effort, settling for it, and then with that clarity comes choice, agency.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You are no longer waiting for someone else to step in, step closer, shift, change, do all the things.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're no longer waiting for someone else to decide.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can make your own decision about what you want, what you deserve, what you know you're worthy of.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can call it out with your person, you can have that deep, hard conversation with them about your letting them and what that's revealed and your options moving forward.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's a shift or a change in the relationship, so both of you are having your needs met, or perhaps potentially it's an ending of that relationship.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever form it takes, it's going to take a shift, right?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you've revealed this to yourself, once you've looked at it openly and honestly, there's no real going back.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: From what I can see and what I understand, the let them theory isn't about being passive or angry or bitter, and in this context, it's about creating clarity.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's about allowing, it is about allowing, letting them, it's about allowing the relationship to show up honestly, right?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Shining a light on who is carrying the load of the relationship, who's doing the work to keep it together, who's doing the work to hold space for the relationship and fix things that need fixing.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's about releasing your control and over that and recognizing that the other person, the other person's actions may well reflect and reveal their true feelings or their capacity, right?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, this can be incredibly liberating, freeing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Letting them can show you exactly where you stand and give you that clarity and that agency to make an informed, empowered decision about the relationship.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're not waiting or hoping or guessing, you know, you get to choose based on what letting them has revealed to you.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone wants to leave, let them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: If they want to stay, they will.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: There's no force here, no begging, but also it comes back to you, your choice, your agency.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So while there's something really powerful about letting them and the letting go that that involves the freedom and emotional space it brings for you, what's actually been resonating even more with me, and I shared it on social media recently, and I went a bit off, like as in went off, what's been resonating with me even more than let them is I don't have to.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing I can let them and I don't have to, and neither do you.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, like let them, I don't have to is another mindset shift, and it's a powerful one.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: One that also brings freedom, clarity, and fosters a deep sense of self-trust and self-belief.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's about unlearning patterns that tell us we need to justify, explain, tolerate, or put up with things that don't serve us.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognising that we are allowed.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're allowed to take up space without guilt.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: We are allowed guilt-free to take up space and to ask for and expect our needs to be met.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to is also about recognizing, sometimes on a really deep level, recognizing and accepting and really owning that we are not responsible for managing other people's emotions, expectations, or reactions at the expense of ourselves.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what I don't have to actually means.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to go above and beyond, overgive, overextend, overstretch myself beyond my capacity for others, whoever they are.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that includes our nearest and dearest and our children.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just because I can do something doesn't mean I have to.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: When a child asks something of you, and you think I should do that because all the reasons rah rah, but I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna feel resentful, I'm gonna feel annoyed, I'm gonna feel frustrated.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Child comes to you, Mum, Dad, can you do this thing?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, Well, I could, and that would lead me to feel XYZ.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this is probably more relevant to older kids, teenagers.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So child comes, asks for something, you know that you're gonna feel frustrated, annoyed, resentful if you do the thing.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I could do that, and if I did, I would feel XYZ.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, what else can we do here?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Can we do the thing together?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me do it?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so you don't have to extend or overstretch yourself, even for your kids.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to explain my decisions.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: My choices are mine.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I do not owe anyone a detailed breakdown of why I've decided something.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I might choose to share that, but I don't owe anyone that explanation.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that decision be about my relationship, my career, my boundaries, my time, I don't owe anyone a detailed breakdown of why I've decided something.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to explain my decisions.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm talking about I don't have to, I'm using I don't have to language because I want that embedded in your brain, not you don't have to.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not me telling you you don't have to.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to own it for yourself.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm intentionally using I don't have to.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to justify my choices.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay for people to not understand or disagree with what I choose for myself.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Their confusion, their disapproval, their disappointment is theirs to carry, not mine.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to justify saying no.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: No is a complete sentence, and if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you would have heard me say that.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: No is a complete sentence.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't require an excuse, a long-winded explanation, or a softening, a more palatable version so that someone else feels more comfortable.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to justify saying no.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to give reasons for my responses, my lack of response, my choice to stay to say no, my choice to stay home and not go to the thing to be alone, whatever.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just need space.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I don't want to go.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be with those people or in that space.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I need rest.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to explain or seek permission for how I choose to spend my time and my energy.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to always be the bigger person, always be the peacekeeper, always be the spaceholder.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I value kindness and integrity, but that doesn't mean I have to self-abandon in order to keep the peace, to be the bigger person or to be the spaceholder.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Holding everything together for the sake of others, even the kids, isn't a requirement.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a choice.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I get to choose differently.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to fix what I didn't break, make better what someone else broke.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: If someone else's actions, behaviors, choices caused harm, created damage, or left things in a messy mess, whether that's emotionally, relationally, or even physically, I don't have to be the one to fix it.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Their choices, their accountability, their responsibility, not mine.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to always be the fixer.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't have to smooth over uncomfortable moments.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Awkwardness, tension, and discomfort aren't mine to solve.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: If someone else is struggling with an uncomfortable truth or a challenging situation, particularly one that they've created, it's not my job to ease that for them.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And in saying that, I'm not talking about creating emotional safety within relationships, right?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in relationship with others, it is your responsibility to co-create emotional safety.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So that's not what I'm talking about here.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: But it is not my job.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to smooth over discomf the discomfort of others for them.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize for things beyond my control, things I didn't create.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize again for someone else's discomfort, disappointment, or expectations that I never agreed to meet.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize for upholding, enforcing my boundaries.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize for protecting my own peace or choosing myself.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize for things beyond my control.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to, and this is a really potent one in separation and divorce because sadly, some people will choose sides.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not only about your ex or your soon-to-be ex- partner, it can be about their family, it can be about friends, okay?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be something completely unrelated to separation divorce as well.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to show up for people who don't show up for me.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Effort should be mutual.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: I no longer chase, overcompensate, or keep showing up in spaces where I am not valued and there is not reciprocity, where I don't get held space held for me as well as give that space for others.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Where I show up for people and they show up for me, absolutely I'm there.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't have to show up for anyone who is not willing, able, capable, has capacity to show up for me as well.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Similarly, I don't have to be there for people or engage in spaces where all of me is not welcomed, seen, heard, or supported.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: I am not responsible for shrinking myself to fit, to make others comfortable, to smooth things over, to be accepted, to be chosen.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: If I have to minimize or filter or suppress parts of myself to fit in, to be chosen, to be accepted in that space, it's not the right space for me.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to engage in conversations where I'm not respected, where my voice is not heard, where my thoughts, feelings and opinions are minimized or dismissed.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Respect is the baseline, right?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to keep explaining, debating, or proving my worth in conversations where my perspective is constantly invalidated, dismissed.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to step into spaces that are activating or triggering for me just because.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just because it's expected, just because it's what we do, just because someone else wants me or expects me to do that.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to put myself in situations or environments that are activating or triggering or that drain or even harm me.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: This next one is an expansion on something I shared earlier.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to keep giving when my cup is empty.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: We've all been conditioned, especially those of us who identify and have been raised as female, as women, we've been conditioned to put others first, to be the nurturer, the fixer, the one who keeps everything running smoothly.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: But we all know you cannot pour, you cannot give from an empty cup.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you're constantly giving, whether it's time, energy, emotional labour, carrying the mental load of relationship and family, if you're constantly doing that without taking time out, without replenishing yourself, you will burn out.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this might look like always being the one to manage the co-parenting logistics, keeping the peace in a higher conflict, separation or divorce, or being emotionally available for people who just don't reciprocate.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: It might be overextending yourself at work, saying yes when every fibre in your being is screaming no.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can give yourself permission to step back, to say no, to prioritize yourself, your own well-being.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries aren't selfish, they are essential and they are a form of self-care.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to keep giving when my cup is empty.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to explain myself to people who aren't listening.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Again, an expansion of one I shared earlier.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you found yourself justifying decisions, trying hard to make someone see your side?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, here I am speaking about that tricky ex or your ex-mother-in-law or somebody, or explaining feelings to someone who is actually more interested in speaking.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're not interested in listening, they're just waiting for their next opportunity to speak, or they're just defending their position rather than actually hearing you.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it is your ex who refuses to understand why you're setting new and different boundaries.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a friend or a family member who keeps nudging you and pushing you to reconcile or make choices that don't align with what's best for you.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you didn't try hard enough, you've got to stay for the children.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just society at large questioning why you left, why you stayed so long, or why you're doing things differently.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't have to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you, to people who aren't listening.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your choices are yours, your journey is yours, your healing is yours.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need external validation to trust yourself on this path, and you don't need to expend precious time and energy, to waste time and energy trying to explain yourself, justify yourself to someone who isn't willing or able to listen and actually hear what you're saying, to take it on board, to absorb it, and then to reflect back at you.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Put that down.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, and you don't, have to carry the weight of other people's choices, decisions, or behaviour.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, an expansion of something I shared earlier.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: One of the really hard things to accept in life and divorce is that we really can't control what other people do.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: We can't control their actions, their words, their decisions, or how they choose to show up or not show up.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: We can't control their behaviour, the choices they make, and maybe that's around money or around how they're parenting, how they do or do not show up for your kids.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this is and can be especially painful when it comes to parenting or co-parenting or dealing with an ex who, an ex, sorry, who isn't acting in the best interests of your children, whatever that looks like.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel so unfair and so frustrating, infuriating, heartbreaking, but carrying their choices as if they are yours or something you can change, shift, or control will only weigh you down.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: The most powerful shift you can make here is to remind yourself I don't have to carry this, or this is not mine to carry.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Their choices, their decisions, their behaviour belong to them.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your responsibility is to you, yourself, potentially to your kids, and to your integrity and to your well-being, right?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to carry this, or this is not mine to carry.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to say yes.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Full stop, end of sentence, I don't have to say yes.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: If it feels uncomfortable, if it feels unreasonable, if it feels unsafe in any way, I don't have to say yes just because someone else wants me to.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to say yes just because it's polite or it's expected.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to say yes when my body, my gut, my intuition is telling me no.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Trust that.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am not obligated, I don't have to say yes ever.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't have to make decisions that push me outside of my values.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Choices that ask me to go against what I know is right for me.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: My integrity, my values, my sense of self, these are non-negotiables.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if a decision asks me to compromise on those, the answer is no.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to make decisions that pull me or push me outside of my values.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't have to sacrifice.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to sacrifice or self-abandon.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to sacrifice my peace, my comfort, my sense of self, my safety, my happiness to please anyone else?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is your invitation from me.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever the word should rises up in your mind or comes out of your mouth, pause.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I should, dot, dot, dot, what is that thing?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, should I?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why should I?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, is this actually mine to carry?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to do this or do I feel obligated?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: What will saying yes cost me?
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: And am I making this choice out of fear, guilt, or expectation?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: Quite simply, you don't have to, and neither do I.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: If this resonates, if this is hitting or touching something inside you, whether it's deep down or more on the surface, if you feel the weight of I should in your life and in your head, and you're ready to shift that, let's talk more.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is just one part of the work I do with my one-to-one clients, helping you unlearn, reset, and step into your next chapter without the weight of obligation, guilt, expectation holding you back.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't have to.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever stage of relationship you're in, you are welcome, as always, to book a clarity consult in my calendar.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: And let's deep dive into this because you don't have to carry stuff that was never yours in the first place.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this on the day of its release, there is still time to join me in a free masterclass, as I said at the top of the episode.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Link in the show notes.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from hearing this episode, please share it with them.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I'd be so grateful if you would rate and review the podcast.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: It helps us get it in the ears of anybody who needs to access the this information.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you so much for being here and bye for now.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Until then