Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep23: Wrinkles, Wisdom & Roasts 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep23: Wrinkles, Wisdom & Roasts 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_18: You know what I like about the movies though?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_18: I like the like the previews.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_18: The previews are good, aren't they?
• 0:04
  unknown: Yeah!
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_18: Yeah! It's that guy, it's that guy with that deep voice, you know?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_18: I'm one man, one way.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_18: One desire.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_18: Thank you.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_18: Desire.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_18: That voice you can always take something stupid and make it cool.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_18: In the city.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_18: You must fight to survive.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_18: He sold tortillas on the corner.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_18: And the mob wanted in.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_18: I don't know who this guy is, but I want him and his tortillas dead! He had one chance.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_17: And his chance was to fight back Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_17: Listen to me.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_17: These are my tortillas, and I'm not going to give them out.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_17: Listen to me.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_17: Ha ha! Double the action.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_17: Get down!
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_18: Triple the excitement.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_18: Get down again! They didn't know who music soundtrack by Erinebo.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_17: You better watch up for your tortillas.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_18: Get ready this summer for the excitement.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_17: Who are those people?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_17: Listen to me.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_17: You have to get down.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_17: The time to take my tortillas.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_17: One man.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_18: One solution.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_18: I want you to make it this summer is LOOE Tortillator.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_12: Something in men, I think it that's why there's still people walking around the earth.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_12: There's something innate, you know?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_12: I think men have something in them where they're like, hey, we gotta make more people.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_12: We gotta make more people.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_12: We gotta make more people.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_12: And women are like, who the hell gonna take care of these people?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_12: Hey, get off me, you know.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_12: Men and women, we're just on different levels when it comes to sex, right?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_12: Like, look at the porno industry.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_12: That's a billion-dollar industry, and men support it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_12: They act out their fantasies.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_12: And what's the number one fantasy for most guys?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_12: What is it, ladies?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_12: Two women, exactly.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_12: Two girls, that's what they want.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_12: Two women.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_12: Oh, this greedy bastard said three.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_12: Well, that's for inflation, huh?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_12: That's what they want, two women.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_12: Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_12: Because come on, think about it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_12: If you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: They go to a restaurant on the weekends that gets busy, so they start a waiting list, they start calling out names.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: They say, like, Dufresne, party of two.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Table ready for Dufresne, party of two.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And if no one answers, they'll say the name again.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Dufresne, party of two.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: But then if no one answers, they'll just go right on to the next name.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Bush, party of three.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but what happened to the Dufres?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: No one seems to care.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Who can eat at a time like this?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: People are missing.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: You people are selfish.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: The Dufres are in someone's trunk right now.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: With duct tape over their mouth.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And they're hungry.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's a double whammy.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: We need help.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Bush, search party of three.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can eat once you find the Dufres.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_13: I watch a lot of sports.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_13: That's a good time killer.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_13: Figure skating's my favorite, because I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_13: But whenever I watched that, I think, God, I would have done it alone.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_13: I don't know how these people have the patience to be in a little team with a partner.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_13: Because if I practiced with some guy for 10 years and we got to the Olympics and he fell.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_13: Oh.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_13: Oh my god.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_13: I'd skate around just to chop off a finger before he got up.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_13: I'd skate up to that judge's table and go, I don't have any idea who that man is.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_13: He's stalking me and I would like him removed from the building.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_13: I don't know why his outfit matches mine.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_13: The drag about watching figure skating, though, is you gotta listen to Dick Button announce it.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_13: And for you guys who don't watch figure skating, I'll catch you up real quick.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_13: Dick Button won a gold medal in figure skating in 1884, okay?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_13: And he's hyper condescending and he's mean.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_13: It's like these people's families are watching.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_13: When they suck, I think we know they just skated into a wall and they're bleeding.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_13: I don't think there's any reason to keep going on about it.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, he's relentless.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_13: Well, it's obvious these two have no grace, athletic talent, andor ability, and shouldn't even be in the rank.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_13: You just want to go, you know what, Dick?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_13: I would like to see your fat bald ass out there doing a triple Lutz, because when you won the gold medal, what was required to win gold?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_13: You had to be able to like skate backwards and wave.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_09: It was I've seen the movies.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_13: And those people are so much younger now.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_13: It's getting ridiculously young.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_13: I mean, the last the last gold medal winner, Tara Lipinski, 14 years old, wins the gold medal, then goes home to Detroit and writes an autobiography.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_13: You're 14.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_13: What do you have to say so far?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_13: You've only known how to write for seven years.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_13: Chapter 1.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_13: Math is really hard.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_13: You can't unload these girls, got cookies.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_13: They order them and then they move.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_13: It's bull.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_13: 14 years old.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_13: You don't want to win a gold medal when you're 14.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_13: You don't want to peak that early in life.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_13: I mean, you'll never be normal.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_13: You might as well just shoot the heroin right in your eyeball and go directly to react.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_13: You're eating cereal and you're on the box.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_13: That's gonna f you up.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_13: There's no way around that.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_11: I like mimic commercials a lot, and there's this great commercial out right now where um it's from makeup and it's Melanie Griffiths.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_11: She's getting all mad.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_11: She's like, she's like, don't deny her.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_11: Defy it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_11: Like taking on the beauty business from the inside.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_11: I wanna I wanted to do one.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_26: I'd be I'd be like, my own lip color could rarely keep up with my busy schedule.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_26: Oh, and the seconds to count the number of women in high political opposites seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_26: My lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only, and just above my head.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_15: Well, my family's intimidating.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_15: You all have to.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_15: But you know what?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_15: I'm I get intimidated by people a lot, but I'm mostly intimidated by English children.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_15: Children from England, sir, because I think that they all sound like they're 50, don't they?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_15: They're so mature.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_15: They're like, Mother, would you burp me promptly?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_15: Mommy, I'm feeling quite peaked.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_15: Will you please insert that measuring device into my anus?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_16: I'll tell you right now, we're doing this show in San Diego, California, and we're driving back to LA.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_16: Well, in between San Diego and LA, they have this checkpoint in a city called San Clemente, right?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_16: This checkpoint is designed to prevent illegal aliens from making it all the way to LA.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_16: You see how well that works.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_16: But anyway, this is not even a real checkpoint, you guys.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_16: They don't even stop the car, they just kind of like racially profile you and wave you by.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_16: I swear, this is what they do.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_16: But the second they see two or more Latinos in the car, the whole story changes.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_16: I swear it does.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_16: Alright, look here, living David Loca.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_16: What's your citizenship?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_16: I'm in the driver's seat, right?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_16: I'm all freaking out.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_16: I'm like, officer, I'm American citizen, so is my friend Felipe.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_16: And then I look at Felipe, right, please Felipe, don't mess around, don't be cracking no jokes right now.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_16: I have a warrant, don't play, dude, don't play.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_16: Fool, I'm not gonna say, shut up! So then the officer looks at him, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_16: Amigo.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_16: What's your citizenship?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_16: And he looks at him, right?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_16: Hey officer, I'm American citizen, fool.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_16: Then he does this.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_16: Hey, hold on.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_16: Hey, you guys in the trunk, keep it down.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_16: Next thing I know, we're outside on the ground.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_16: Dude, you're an ass, bro.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_16: I know, but it was funny, huh?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_24: Ladies, have you ever been in the bathroom, in a public place, or at a party, and there is someone else who wishes to come in next.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_24: But instead of politely knocking on the door or gently trying the knob, they attack the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_24: What the hell is that?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_24: Relax, get a drink, take the edge off.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_24: Unless you heard I was ODing in there, there's no need to kick the door down.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_24: I'll be right out.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_24: Because tell me if I'm wrong.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_24: It's a bit jarring when you're teetering in that squat position over the toilet, because you don't want to get cooties on your booty.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_24: My balance ain't what it used to be.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_24: So surprises make for a very messy situation, you know what I'm saying?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_24: Particularly for that SWAT team trainee who's trying to get in next.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_24: And then you wonder why the seats all wet.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_24: The seats all wet, because Dirty Harry over here was reenacting the big bust and scared the piss out of me.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_04: University of Illinois, big school, 35,000 students.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: 800 black.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I did.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: I laughed too when I got on campus.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_04: Especially when the basketball team was away.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: I was the only one left on campus.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_04: And I was the only black in every class.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Hard to be absent.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_04: Where's the little Negro boy we put in the middle?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_04: It was Black History Month.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, thanks for the shortest month, asses.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_04: And the coldest.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, let's keep it in the wintertime because their skin gets really ashy.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_08: They can't really go into the I I wish I were better at drinking because I love sex.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_08: Uh which which is weird because I usually only love things I'm good at.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_08: Like like badminton and uh drinking hot chocolate.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_08: But uh sex is tricky.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_08: It's kind of like a sport, but it's not like a team sport.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_08: Uh obviously.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_08: Sometimes.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_08: Whatever.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_08: But it it's it's kind of like tennis, where you need to find someone of your own ability.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_08: Because if they're better than you, it's awkward.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_08: It's like she's wailing the ball at you, and you're like, I'm not getting anything over here.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_07: Do you have like an underhand serve or a lot?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_07: You've taken a lot of lessons.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_08: Um, aren't you worried about tennis album?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_08: I love sex.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_08: I love uh I love pizza.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_08: Uh I do.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_08: I love pizza.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_08: I they sex and pizza, they say, are similar.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_08: Uh when it when it's good, it's good.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_08: When it's bad, you get on your shirt or whatever.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_08: And uh I think that's how it goes.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_08: I'm not sure.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_08: Don't quote me on it, but say something like that.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_02: I want to ask the white people something.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: Is there anything you just just holler it out too?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: Is there anything that you hate doing around black people?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like you can't stand for black people to see you doing it.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_02: Is there anything?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: What'd she say?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Dancing?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: You hate dancing around black people?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we hate watching y'all dance too.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what is he doing over there?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: Anything else?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing else.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_02: Had this one lady tell me, uh, what you say?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: Being at the urinal.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: I get to urinary to leave.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: I look at that.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Racist.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: But that's why.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_10: Gotta remember that one.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_10: Girls are smarter than boys, by the way.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_10: You know that, right?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_10: It's a proven fact.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_10: Girls are smarter than boys.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_10: The reason why is I got a friend that had a daughter the same time I did.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_10: But she's been talking for two years now.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_10: Articulate, too.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_10: Like, mommy, can I have a sandwich?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_10: And I was like, wow.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_10: There's a D in sandwich?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_10: And every time we go over there, she shows off.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_10: Mommy, can we go upstairs and play with my toys?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_10: Mommy little Joe wants to go outside and swing on my swings.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_10: Mommy, little Joe's hungry.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_10: Can we get something to eat?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_10: Mommy! And she's like, Yeah, we can get something to eat, but what does little Joe want?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_10: What do you want to eat, little Joe?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_10: I want a pinna.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_10: Goodie.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_10: He wants a sandwich.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_10: Where's his helmet?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_10: It's around here.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_10: I buy this kid every toy in the book.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_10: Every toy.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_10: Every toy you can think of.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_10: I bought it for him.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_10: Guess what he plays with the most?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_10: His penis.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_10: He can't stop playing with his penis.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_10: It's the best toy.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_10: He can't wait.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_10: And he pulls it out and he says, Daddy, look at my chint.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_10: He can't talk, but he named it as Ting Ting.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_10: Daddy, what?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_10: Ting Ting.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_10: Daddy, what?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_10: Daddy, what?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_10: His favorite toy is Thomas the Train.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_10: His favorite train is Percy the Train.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_10: Guess what he calls it?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_10: Pushy.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_10: Pushy, Pushy, Pushy, Pushy, Daddy.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_10: I want Pushy.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_10: And I know you guys are thinking to yourself, oh, big deal.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_10: It's just Pushy.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_10: But just imagine me pushing him in a shopping cart at Toys R Us.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_10: He's yelling pushy, pushy, pushy, pushy, while he's tugging on his Ting Ting.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_10: Try explaining active security for a half hour.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_23: One time my girlfriend asked me, she was like, baby, if your penis could talk, right?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_23: What would it say?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_23: What?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_23: What would it say?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_23: I'm gonna take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all men on this mud ball we call Earth.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_23: If our penis could talk, it would probably say something like touch me.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_23: That's it.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_25: They have a hundred percent voting in Australia.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_25: How have they achieved this?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_25: Well, in Australia, it's illegal not to vote.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_25: It's brute.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_25: Who would have thought they were capable of that kind of thinking down there?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_25: It must be all the blood rushing to their heads.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_25: I don't know.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_25: I don't know.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_25: I don't know.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_25: I'm not a scientist, but they are upside down.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_25: That's a fact.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_25: That is a fact.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_25: That is a science fact.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_25: I don't want to argue about this.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_25: That is a science fact.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_25: They are upside down.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_25: What an odd thing to applaud that is.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_25: Yes, technically that's probably true.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_25: I guess so.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_25: They're on the bottom of the map.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_25: It sounds weird, but when you think about it, it's hard to argue with they are upside down.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_25: It's true, they have compulsory voting in Australia.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_25: And the problem they've run into, though, now is that people have started voting drunk.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_25: It's true, they have to give everyone the day off work to allow them to vote, and people choose to exercise their democratic rights by getting absolutely sozzled first thing in the morning.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_25: There you go.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_25: You had more in common with Australia than you thought, didn't you, New York?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_25: Arms across the self-destructive ocean.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_25: It's true, so now it's got so bad, they're suggesting closing all pubs and bars next election day, as a report's been released saying that voting drunk affects your ability to vote by 18%.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_28: Which I think has to be a guess.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_28: I have an iTelephone.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_28: Which means I have Google in my pocket.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_28: I'm assuming most of you do.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_28: We all have Google on our phones, and it's ruining our lives.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_28: I don't know if you've noticed that, but it's ruining existence.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_28: Because we know everything.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_28: But we're not any smarter.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_28: We just know.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_28: If you don't know, wait two seconds.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_28: You will know.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_28: Having Google on your phone is like having the drunk know it all in your in your pocket.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_28: Like at a party, just kind of being like, how do they make a glass?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_28: I know.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_28: Goodbye, wonder.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_28: Goodbye, mystery.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_28: We just know now.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_28: Life is meaningless.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_28: It's meaningless.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_28: I've literally been in bed by myself, just like, where's Tom Petty from?
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_28: I feel nothing because the time between not knowing and knowing is so brief that knowing feels like not knowing.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_28: Listen to me.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_28: There was a time that if you didn't know where Tom Petty was from, you just didn't know.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_28: I don't mean to get all Andy Rooney on ya.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_28: But you would walk around and ask actual living people that you would run into in front of bakeries.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_28: Like, where's Tom Petty from?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_28: I don't know.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_28: I don't know.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_28: Feels like California?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_28: Is it California?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_28: I don't know.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_28: Until one fateful day, you'd see somebody wearing a heartbreakers t-shirt and you'd ask them, where's Tom Petty from?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_28: And they'd tell you, Florida! And a wave would wash over you of meaning and accomplishment and joy.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_28: And that's how you met your wife.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_28: Do you understand?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_28: Your wedding song was refugee.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_27: My girlfriend's wonderful though.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_27: I listen to everything my girlfriend says.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_27: I don't mean she bosses me around.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_27: I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone who's always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_27: Like we'll be in a restaurant, and my girlfriend will be like, You ordered your food an hour ago.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_27: It should be here by now.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_27: And I'm like, Yeah, it should.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_27: It's like having a lawyer for everyday life.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_27: She'll be like, the bus driver shouldn't talk to you that way.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_27: And I'm like, no, he shouldn't.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_27: Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_27: You could do anything to me.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_27: I was just like a young Motown singer.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_27: I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_27: I was like, oh man, you're gonna give me a whole hundred dollars for all of my songs?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_27: Where do I sign, Mr.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_06: Barry Gordy?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_06: I like horror movies now.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_06: Like I saw this one, Freddie versus Jason.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_06: Do you guys know that one?
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_06: It's pretty awesome.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, the director is here.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_06: Just sit there, Freddie sitting there.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_06: It's good.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_06: But it's you know, it's Freddie from 1990.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_06: Why did it take us so long to put them in the same room?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_06: They're not gonna get along.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_06: Alpha males, there's gonna be a battle.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_06: It's not like they played Uno, you know, because Freddie can't hold cards.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_06: And Jason cheats at Monopoly.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_06: He's just a monster, you know.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_06: But it's a fun movie, but there's a part in it where Freddy has to choose between killing a white girl and killing a black girl.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_06: And Freddy goes, Oh, sweet! Dark meat! Yeah.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_06: And then he goes after the black girl, which is not surprising given what he's just said.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_06: But there was like a groan from the audience at the theater when I watched it.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_06: Like, people were disappointed in Freddie Krueger.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_06: Like, we're fine with you murdering children with your needle gloves.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_06: But racism?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_06: Not up in here.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_20: Uh-uh.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_20: My mom's so funny.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_20: She lives in the South too.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_20: She's still determined to keep me up to date with everybody that I grew up with, and she'll remind me about them to the point where I care again.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_20: So she'll call me up, she's like, hey, what are you doing?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_20: I'm like, what's three in the afternoon, cougar?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_20: I'm working.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_20: And she's like, would you remember Ashley Davidson?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_20: I'm like, no, I don't know who that is.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_20: Oh, you know who that is.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_20: Like I was just lying the second before.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_20: Ashley Davidson! She had long dark hair.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_20: She's on the cheerleading squad.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_20: I'm like, no, mom, it still does not ring a bell.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_09: Ashley Davidson.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_20: Her mom, Alice, used to cut your hair.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_20: And I'm like, oh yeah.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_20: Yeah, I think I know who that is.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_20: Well, she's dead.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_20: I'm like, why would you call to tell me that?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_20: She's like, because I thought you wanted all.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_20: I'm like, but I don't even know who that is.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_20: Oh, you know who that is.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_20: We go round and round in circles.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_20: This is an actual text that she sent to me if you want any idea of how she can brighten your day.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_20: Here is an example.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_20: Real text.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_20: Did you know Vanessa Tate?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_20: She lived on Poplar Street.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_20: I went to school with her mother Jan.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_20: We were in junior lead together back in the day.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_20: Her father died a few months ago, and her mother last week.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_20: They were 65 and 61.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_20: I wonder what happened.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_20: Very sad.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_20: Oh, it gets better.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_20: It gets better.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_20: There's snow in the air and it's 23 degrees.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_20: I feel sorry for the tornado survivors who are picking through the rubble of their homes in this.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_20: Have a great show, love mom.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_20: Now you know why I am like I am.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_20: No, my mom's great.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_20: She's 67 and she's single, and she's been hanging out at the bars a lot with her friends who are also single.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_20: They like to think of themselves as cougars, but they're more like panda bears.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_20: I said that to one of my mom's friends who did not know what a cougar was, and she was like, Well, a panda bear's just as dangerous as a cougar.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_20: Touche, lady panda.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_20: Touche.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_20: My mom's a bit of a lightweight.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_20: It takes her one whiskey sour, and then she's just like completely toasted.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_20: She's like, Yeah, that's my style.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_20: I wanna hang out with your mom.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_20: You can always tell when my mom's tipsy because she'll stick one finger out just like this and start dancing like this.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_20: Just judging people while she's dancing.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_14: Okay, so Titanic was a big part of my life.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_14: Duh.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_14: So in fifth grade was when Titanic came out, and I just remember as an 11-year-old watching Titanic being like, oh my god, I cannot wait to grow up and start like this looks amazing.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_14: Just like the hand, the sweat, necklaces, the drawings, you know, this, like, ever.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_14: It was so fun.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_14: Those blue eyes.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_14: I was just like so excited to grow up and start having sex.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_14: And now that I'm growing up, it's like, if I have to have sex on one more air mattress, I'm gonna lose it.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_14: I'm gonna lose it.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_14: I can't, where are the beds?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_14: I why can't I find them?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_14: It's just like confident dog walkers everywhere.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_14: And I'm tricked by all of them.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_14: I just want sheets and a bedpost.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_14: Like it's so annoying.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_14: And the thing is, I'm not like super picky, I don't have like that high of standards.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_14: Like, I've had sex with my friend's dad.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_14: I'm cool.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_14: I get it.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_14: It's fine.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_14: No, it was a problem.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_14: You had so much trouble breathing.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_14: I cut it.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_14: You're so grossed out.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_14: Did you have sex with a friend's dad?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_14: Or you're thinking about your dad having sex with me?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_14: Yeah.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: We met up, and first impressions I have to say were great.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: He was tall, he smelled good, he had a face, triple threat.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Everything matched up, and then we sat down, he bought us drinks, we started talking, and then one of the first things he said was just like, red flag meter alerted.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: One of the first things out of his mouth, he was just like, uh, something you should know about me.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really big on honesty.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just like telling it how it is.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, who opens with that as a human?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who, like, right out of the gate is just like, listen, you're gonna hear some stuff.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and it's also like honesty on a first date?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: No thanks.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, call me old-fashioned, but I feel like dating is like health insurance.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you wait until you're accepted in as a member before you start revealing all your pre-existing conditions.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: I get to the wedding.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_22: Standing next to her, watching my best friend and get married.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_22: Not paying attention at all.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_22: I'm thinking about the food later.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_22: I don't care.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_22: Go do your thing, girl.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_22: Do your thing.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_22: What happens is she's not surprised.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_22: Like she's so in love with him.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_22: Make the sunrise! I'm like, he makes the sunrise.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_22: What about God?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_22: God's like, bitch, I make the sunrise.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_22: She's crying and crying.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_22: And I hear behind me, I turn around, I'm like, oh my God, somebody trying to stop this ugly ass wedding.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_22: And it's her mother behind me going, get her tissue.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_22: Get her tissue.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_22: Bitch, you need to help you.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_22: I ain't getting no shit.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_22: I said, I don't have any tissue.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_22: I don't have any tissues.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_22: You're the main of my heart.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_22: You're supposed to have tissues.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_22: I was like, I was at rehearsal with her for six hours.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_22: She didn't do any of that shit.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_22: I don't have tissues.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_22: Right?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_22: Do it in dressers, bitch.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_22: I didn't know.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_22: Cry.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_29: She's just tough, man.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_29: Uh, teachers here, some of y'all are working education.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_29: It's beautiful.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_29: It's just a hard job.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_29: I've never been called mister and bitch more in my life.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_29: It's like, mister, why you a bitch?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_29: No, I'm saying, like, why is that your personality?
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_29: You got some bitch ass handwriting, mister.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_29: You must write with a feather.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_29: You write with a quill, mister.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_29: One time I had a kid called me Mr.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_29: Bitch.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_29: And that hurt more somehow.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_29: Here's why Mr.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_29: Bitch hurts more.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_29: And I thought a lot of it, I think about it almost every day.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_29: Mr.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_29: Bitch hurts more because Mr.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_29: Bitch makes it seem like I earned the title.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_29: You know what I mean?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_29: Like I worked my way up.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_29: Like while the rest of you were lollyagging and playing around, I was focused on being the best bitch I could be.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_05: I went to Catholic school growing up, so if someone could explain sex to me after the show, I would greatly appreciate it.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_05: Our sex education was basically like we were in the chapel and we're like talking about sex.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_05: Sister Jean Patrice is leading it.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_05: Sister was leading the sex ed talk in the chapel, and Jesus is just like on the cross, like staring at us.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_05: Also, Jesus be looking cute as fuck in the cross sometimes, honestly.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_05: Like highlighter popping, abs right, just like, oh yes.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_05: My king of kings.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_21: I went to school with a girl who does porn now.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_21: I don't know if any of you guys have ever seen someone you know have sex.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_21: Like, not with you.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_21: Like it's wild.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_21: It's wild.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_21: And I have like a bunch of mutual friends were on like a um like a group text, and and when we found out, and of course we we watched it, um uh the comments were like, oh my god, what happened to her?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_21: She needs to love herself more, she needs to get some self-esteem.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_21: And I just think that it's so backwards.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_21: Whenever I hear people say that people who do porn don't have self-esteem, I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_21: Do you know how much self-esteem it takes to be having sex and think more people need to see this?
• 32:09
  unknown: You know?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_21: Yeah.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_21: I don't even want the people I'm having the person I'm having sex with to see it.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_21: I'm like, turn off the lights, wear this blindfold, but not for a kinky reason.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_21: Like, just don't look, don't look.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_31: I drop my phone and I go through all five stages of grief.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_31: I really do.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_31: Well, I drop it, it hits the ground.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_31: Denial.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_31: That's that's just that's that's not a crack, that's just a hair, alright?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_31: That's just a hair.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_31: And as soon as I wipe it, I'm gonna be Gucci, okay?
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_31: My phone is fine.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_31: I did not just mess up my phone just now.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_31: I'm good, I'm good.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_31: Anger?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_31: Fuck! I can't believe I just dropped this phone.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_31: Right outside the Apple store.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_31: I am standing, I bought it six seconds ago.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_31: Cashier still looking me in the face.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_31: He waving at me.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_31: And I dropped this phone through these brittle fingers.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_31: Bargaining.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_31: That's just the case.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_31: That's the case.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_31: That's the case's whole job is to be like the secret service of the phone and take the hits for the phone.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_31: So that's what it's just like a little soldier.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_31: It took that hit, it cracked.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_31: My phone is fine though.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_31: Depression, my ex was right.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_31: I don't handle responsibility well at all.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_31: And that's why she left.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_31: And honestly, I think she made the right move.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_31: Acceptance.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_31: You know what?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_31: I just don't deserve nice things.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_31: Okay?
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_31: I don't know where I get off getting it.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_31: I should have gotten OK like I deserve.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_19: Dating in your 30s is different.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_19: It's different from when you were younger.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_19: When you were younger, people could just like whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_19: They just be like, you be like, hell yeah.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_19: Fuck yeah.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_19: I'm on what you mom.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_19: When you get in your 30s, it's different.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_19: Like, you gotta whisper real stuff to me, like, I'm in therapy.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_19: I'm just trying to get over here.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_19: For real.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_19: I want two kids, I want to send them to private school.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_19: I'm like, damn.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_19: You're making me moist, daddy.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_30: Alcohol is gonna hit you love alcohol, right?
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_30: Can we stop with the shots though?
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_30: No more shots.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_30: My friends are like, let's do shots, shots are fun.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_30: If the shots are not fun.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_30: Nothing in the world that is fun ends with you going.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_30: This is my friend.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_30: I can think of one thing that sounds like that.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_30: That's fine.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_30: The male orgasm.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_30: I'm like, if a dude coming ever sounds like that means his dick is no longer on his body.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_30: This is my friend.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_30: She's like, taking shots is like eating pussy.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_30: You just do it.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_30: I'm like, do you realize how offensive that would be to the woman if I was eating her out?
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_30: Like I was taking shots.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_30: I'd be like, mum, mung.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_30: Oh somebody give me a lime.