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How To Actually Train Your Kids (With Examples) with Grant and Kelly Stine · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  And so literally, I just told the kids, hey, I just want to give you a heads up. We are going to start doing this. We are going to train on this. One week later, they were doing it every time.
• 0:14
  Hi, welcome to the Family Teams podcast. Our goal here is to help your family become a multi-generational team on mission by providing you with biblically rooted concepts, tools, and rhythms. Your hosts are Jeremy Pryor and Jefferson Bethke, and we can't wait to chat about all things family.
• 0:32
  Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. Man, excited today to talk some more about training kids. This is, I think, one of the most practical things that we like to dive into through family teams. And if you guys were listening to last week's podcast, April and I did a whole podcast where we talked through kind of our history and some of our takeaways in the whole training world. We were doing that by looking at a playbook that was written by Grant and Kelly Stein, who are joining me today. Grant and Kelly, thank you guys so much for jumping on the podcast. Hey, thanks for having us.
• 1:02
  Yeah, Grant's now part of Integrated, our mastermind for business-owning dads. One of the first conversations I ever had was Grant was kind of talking through some of the things he had done and what they had learned and how they had implemented training. I just was so inspired by just what you guys have done in this area. So when we got to this part of the accelerator, I'm like, oh, I really would love...
• 1:24
  to have the Steins as community coaches. So I'm so grateful you guys are willing to jump into the Accelerator for the month of May, help us out, and help some family teams in this area. For those of you guys who don't know about the Accelerator, this is our program. Every month we have a different theme. Last month was all around the spring holidays, how to celebrate Passover as a family. This month is going to be the month of May is all focused on training kids. So we just really, really want to be as helpful as possible.
• 1:49
  And so there are ways that will absolutely help your family get to a completely different level of peace if you understand how training works. And so the way that the accelerator works is week one, we give you guys a playbook. So there's a kind of three plays that you will get to help implement training in your own household. Week two is a conversation with our community coaches, which is Grant and Kelly. You guys can jump on a Zoom call with them.
• 2:16
  The second week of May and talk through the story that you're going to hear them tell today in the podcast and any questions you guys have about training that they might be able to help you guys with. Week three, we share kind of a tutorial video that April and I are going to make around this whole topic of training. And then week four, we do a town hall where April and I and some of our kids jump on the Zoom and talk to you guys about whatever you want to talk about.
• 2:38
  with regards to family, but we are all about training this month. And so I wanted Grant and Kelly for you guys to share a little bit about your story. Grant, we'll start with you and then go to Kelly. So take me back to pre-training world in the Stein household. Yeah. Like tell me a little bit about, and first of all, Kelly, why don't you introduce your family? And then Grant, I'm going to go to you and just, you give me that picture, but yeah, Kelly, who's on, who's on your team?
• 3:02
  Okay. So Grant and I have a 10 year old named Mariah, an eight year old, Selah, seven year old Noah, a five year old Judah and a two and a half year old Joshua. And then we also have one on the way. Oh, awesome. And you guys are located. In Dallas, Texas, a little bit east of there, Scarlet Garland, Texas.
• 3:23
  Okay. All right. So Grant, take me back to, yeah, what life was like pre the training world for your family, for you personally. Yeah, that's a great question. So I think to really sum it up, we have to understand the difference between discipline and training. What we were doing, we were disciplining, but we weren't teaching our kids what we wanted them to do. Right. So for them, I think it was a bit of a whirlwind of like, they don't know what's expected of them. They don't know what's going to make mom and dad frustrated and what am I going to get in trouble for.
• 3:52
  Like, what's going on? Right. And it's because we had all these expectations, but they, well, maybe they were communicated. They weren't trained. We didn't teach them exactly what we wanted them to do. We didn't make sure they understood how we wanted them to do it. And then we didn't make it clear what would happen if they didn't. Right. And so for them, I think it was a bit, it was pretty inconsistent and kind of a whirlwind because it.
• 4:12
  I mean, it's just confusing. It doesn't make sense. And then for, I know for me, I was super inconsistent because I didn't have a system. The reaction didn't always match the stimulus. Like something small might've gotten a big reaction because I didn't know what the right thing to do was. And I didn't know why I was frustrated. And yeah, so for me, I was, I was honestly just not super peaceful around discipline at all. And I think just the general state of our home was...
• 4:42
  Frustrated. Yeah. Kind of frustrated and we were exhausted. I mean, when we first started training, we had four kids. Yeah. We have four kids. So, you know, we were already kind of there and just feeling really. Burn out in a lot of ways. I see. And I think what you're describing too, in terms of the inconsistency, you know, the reality is for every family, you are training your kids in some way. It's just like, they might be training around like.
• 5:07
  Okay, what kind of mood is dad in today? Okay, we can get away with this or that, you know? And so they become like trained in the masters of like, okay, how to push our buttons, but not maybe go too far. How about you, Kelly? Tell me a little bit about kind of where you started at this process. Kelly Cervantes Yeah, I think to even understand where we started, I think it's really crucial to understand that
• 5:32
  Grant actually, he believed that we as a family, like his wife and his children were in the way of what God was calling him to.
• 5:44
  Yeah, this is like the very basis of where it, yeah, the transformation, I feel like. And so when he, even through family revision and family teams, like recognizing like, oh, they're not in the way of what I'm called to, they are what I'm called to.
• 6:02
  And honestly, it changed everything. So I feel like I just have to mention that even though it's kind of great thing, it changed everything for our family. And so it's really important to understand. And that was such a blessing. And I think as fathers and mothers, when you recognize like this is the hard holy work.
• 6:19
  And in being inconvenienced enough to train my kids is the good work. Like, and this is what's going to be the most fruitful. And so for me, I think, honestly, it was just like, I just worry we're having more kids. I was like, this is only going to get, like.
• 6:35
  It could get more chaotic and more individualistic, right? Because everyone's just like figuring out how do I like stay alive for myself and how do I do what I want to do when I want to do it instead of, hey, like there's some clear expectations here and we're being trained up into good things and we can trust our parents.
• 6:53
  to be consistent and we get to do it together. Like we're working together and when you win, we all win. And so I think that transition for me, it was just really helpful to go from like, we're all just a bunch of individuals in a home to we're working together. We're cheering each other on. We're helping each other. We're encouraging each other. So we can just and in training and correction and all of that. Yeah. We're together. Yeah. Awesome. Okay.
• 7:21
  Yeah, so I've heard that for a lot of moms, you know, that it's almost like they are, the way that our culture sort of creates this situation, because dads just inevitably are doing things outside the home, you know, a lot more when the mom's staying at home and having more children. There is this separation that occurs where she feels like she's sort of on an island. Okay, are we on the same team? And so all of a sudden realize, man, like your husband sees the family team, the
• 7:50
  comes together, you know, that, that moment. And that's, that's the moment, of course, that we live for in family teams, just like seeing that, that camaraderie, see that team that already exists, really get the attention it deserves. And for particularly men, this often starts with a, with a dad saying, I, I, I care about this team. This is my primary team. This is the team through which I'm going to do all the other things that God has called us to do.
• 8:14
  Now, once that happens, then oftentimes, you know, the reality of the frustration of the team itself, you know, all of a sudden, okay, I like this. I want to be a part of this team. I want to lead this team. But man, this like, now we need to actually start the process of training, training the teammates. Like, let's actually start to move together. So that, that oftentimes just like any sports, you know, if you've got a bunch of kids, imagine like you ever watched a sport where all the kids that are coming together to play a tee ball or whatever, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know,
• 8:44
  None of them have ever played before. Like there's a big process you have to go through to get the teammates ready to play the game. So I'm curious for you guys, as you started this process of training, I'd love for this to get practical for everyone listening. So let's talk about what kind of the early wins, what did you guys try? You know, what worked?
• 9:01
  Um, so yeah, take me through kind of that early stage. So I would say, and you're going to hear this answer from me a lot. We have high, high vision. So I really got like a real biblical vision for training, but I also got help. Right. So I big believer in coaching. So quite frankly, where we got a lot of our stuff from was from you and from Jeff and the family teams. Yeah. Of course, skill of fatherhood was huge for us to help me get vision. But then also I just dove into the scriptures. I think the Proverbs are a great place to go.
• 9:31
  to understand training and what the Bible has to say about it. So I spent a lot of time there, but I would say that the place we really started was me catching the vision, us getting in unity on the vision, and then communicating it clearly to our kids. Everything started there and it was an expectation of what's coming. Like, hey, this is what I'm learning. This is what we see in God's word. This is where we're headed. Um, cause I think an expectation is just so huge for kids. And so set like a clear vision for who we were.
• 9:59
  It actually during that time, we came up with our very simple family vision. So everything we do filters through this. You're going to love this. It's Stein's go for God's design. So it's very simple. It's very catchy. It's a great put your hands in. Stein's go for God's design. But really, like we rallied around that vision.
• 10:17
  And recognizing, okay, what's God's design for marriage? What's God's design for gender? What's God's design for kids and training? I mean, really, you can filter everything through that question. And the answers are in the word. And then the practicals often come through community. And so by catching that vision and grabbing hold of a vision for our family of like, okay, what are we going after? That's where we started. And then very practically what we did...
• 10:42
  Oh, you have something I see. I think part of something that was really important in that process was once Grant got the vision and we got in unity, there was when we sat the kids down to explain it, we also there was a piece of repentance because we're like, hey, God has actually given us a command to do this for you and with you and train you up in the way you should go and into the likeness of Jesus. And mom and dad, we've done the best we can, but he's calling us up again. And so we just repented for that. And I think it did turn.
• 11:11
  their hearts back to us. And that was really powerful in that process. Yeah. Yeah. It was really huge. Just taking responsibility for, Hey, we all feel this. We all know what this is. And it's actually on, it's on us because we didn't do what God commanded. We didn't follow his design. And now we're reaping the chaos of that in our family. And so repenting to them, apologizing, and then just reconciling as a family. Like we, we're very big on like, we forgive you kind of thing. And so doing that all together was huge.
• 11:39
  Yeah, I think practically defining of like finding a big pain place. A lot of times you can recognize it's sometimes harder as a mom to recognize where things are going well or something super fruitful. But a lot of times we can recognize where something's really hard or frustrating. And so just recognizing pain places.
• 11:56
  with something practical and like, where are we even going to start? Because it can feel overwhelming. Like, I want so many things to be different. Like, where do we even start? And I think the phrase that you say a lot is like, okay, we're going to get the biggest return on our investment. And so that's where we started, I feel like.
• 12:11
  So very practically, we did, and you described it in the last podcast. You're going to listen to that. You'll check it out. But it's, and this is in the playbook too, is visual training boards. And so it's literally a, we're not fancy. It's like a poster board. I bought a big one. I cut it up into pieces and we drew on them. Demonstrate, drill, defend. One for every kid. So every kid has their own. We tried one big one actually at first and that didn't really work. It was kind of confusing. Actually, this is good. It was like...
• 12:38
  On a wall that we didn't look at very often. And so it was definitely a false start with the first one. It's literally right here beside us. This is their dining room and they're on the wall right there. And we look at a number. We realize, you know, write the vision down so that he who runs may read it. And so we needed it in front of us regularly. But demonstrate, drill, defend. And we did sticky notes and we started with one thing and we trained everybody on the same thing at once. Actually...
• 13:03
  I'll start again because we actually try. We were unsure. So we're like, let's do it. Right. And then we're like, again, all these things that I want to be different. So we actually tried training on too many things. So just a little bit. You don't want to try to train on too many things at once because it is overwhelming for the kid.
• 13:21
  Right. It's too much for them. And then it's also really hard to keep up with as a mom or as a father. But like, wait, what are we training who on? And so then from there. Yeah. From there, we did one thing and everybody was on the same thing. Yeah. And with that demonstrate, drill, defend, we had a reward system in place. So for us, we did a marble system. So there's like a big bucket of marbles and everybody has their own little bucket of marbles. And then we have a reward chart and our reward chart's pretty awesome.
• 13:47
  It goes from like five marbles all the way. Now we're at 150 marbles. But, you know, five would be like maybe you get like a little sucker or a balloon, like small stuff. Whereas like 75, we go to the trampoline park as a family. And on the big ones, we always win as a team. Like when somebody turns it in, everybody gets to do it. On the smaller ones, it's more an individual kind of what you got.
• 14:10
  But we started with the Marvel system and we started once we kind of figured out about training one thing all together. That's the first thing we successfully trained on, is what I would say. And what that was, was keeping our kids in their room. Really, I think it was in their bed, but...
• 14:25
  In the room. In our bed. Till 7 a.m. So we identified the biggest pain point for us initially was we had kids coming into our bed at 5 in the morning. I mean, into our room and disrupted workout routines. It disrupted sleep. It disrupted time with the Lord. And like those are just precious hours for us. And so we trained them staying in the room. So very practically what that looked like was we pretended that it was...
• 14:51
  early in the morning and they were in their beds and they were trying to come out and we role played it. Right. And so I think demonstrating is always role play for us. And we do it like probably too many times, like a lot of times. Like we, we role play, we role play, we role play.
• 15:06
  And then we always do one kind of like silly where we're disobeying, like Kelly and I will do it. And everybody gets a good laugh. And we all see how ridiculous it is to disobey. And we kind of dive back in. So we would demonstrate it. And then...
• 15:21
  If it's okay, I'm just going to keep going. Very practically, like on this system, we would demonstrate it. And then drill for us is usually like a specified period of time, like a couple of weeks where they are getting a lot of marbles in and a lot of marbles out as we're training something. And then for us, what we do is we do kind of like a celebration, like graduation, like you are trained thing. And they get a five marble bonus. Then we move it to the end.
• 15:48
  But once it's in defend, you can only lose. You can never earn for it again. You've mastered it. You've mastered it. Yeah, okay. That's a great idea. So just kind of practically how that's played out for us. We typically have a couple weeks where we're working on something specific that we're training. And we call that the drill period. Maybe extra demonstrating, especially with the younger kids during lower. I think too, during that period, Grant has done a great job.
• 16:08
  of either depending on the season, like in the morning at breakfast or at dinner, he'll repetitively ask them, okay, what are you being trained on? And so then they're repeating it back to us. And so they're, they know the expectation and they know what they're working on and it's put before them each day so that they're aware and they can keep going for it.
• 16:29
  Yeah. Man. I just feel like this is, even hearing this gets me excited as a dad. We're in a drill season and you're earning marbles. We're all cheering for you. We're in a defend season. I know that you know how to do this. But if you start doing something that I would think to discipline you on, but I realized I haven't trained you, bam, I just go back to demonstrate, then drill, then defend, and then that's where the discipline comes in.
• 16:52
  Just that clarity, that peace. Imagine being a kid in a family like that. It's just like, I think so many people have such hard, confusing childhoods. But I mean, that is so clear. People will look at a board and say, wow, I know exactly what my parents are asking for me. I know exactly how to behave.
• 17:08
  And if I start doing something new that is way out of bounds, but they can see I don't know what I'm doing, they will teach me. Like my dad will sit down and help me figure out how to do this. And then if I'm kind of getting out of control, he'll also reign me. It's like this just feels like so much peace. I love the way you guys are doing this. I love how clear each of those steps are as well, like in how things get celebrated. The idea of a graduation...
• 17:31
  That is so good. I love that. And how fun that is for your kids to go, okay, well, we've mastered this thing. And now I know how to do it. And you can, everybody, again, just the incredible clarity. Because that was really big, staying in the room till 7am. By the way, I mean, for a lot of people listening to this, I love, Kelly, you're saying, like, just start with the pain points, like figure out something that is really hard right now.
• 17:53
  And get some of that return on investment early in this process so you have the energy to keep going. Because this might sound to a lot of people exhausting, but really, it'll start paying back much faster. What would you say, Kelly, to somebody who's like, mom's like, oh, I'm already tired. This sounds like a lot of work. First, I would say it is.
• 18:15
  It is a lot of work and I would guarantee you it's worth it. Like, I don't know what I'm guaranteeing you besides the fruit of