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Can A Narcissist Change? (From a Diagnosed Narcissist) · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So let's get to it y'all come on in here.
• 0:03
  Can a narcissist change? And this is coming from a
• 0:07
  diagnosed narcissist. This this video right here is
• 0:10
  coming from a diagnosed narcissist, a self aware
• 0:12
  narcissist who has been in psychotherapy for eight years.
• 0:16
  This is year eight of my psychotherapy journey.
• 0:18
  So a lot of people ask me can narcissist change?
• 0:20
  Can a narcissist change? Now, I've done a video about
• 0:23
  this years ago when I first started my platform back in
• 0:25
  2021, I was like that video kind of old.
• 0:28
  My perspective has changed on the topic since then.
• 0:30
  It really has. It's been 4 years that you're
• 0:34
  allowed to get new information, right?
• 0:35
  And when you get new information, you're supposed to,
• 0:38
  you're supposed to reformulate your, your, your conclusion,
• 0:41
  right? You are with new information,
• 0:44
  true information enters the chat, enters the equation.
• 0:47
  You're supposed to have a different end result unless the
• 0:49
  the new information is a 0, right?
• 0:52
  But yeah, can a narcissist change this?
• 1:00
  Before I get out my answer I need to realize need y'all to
• 1:02
  understand do not take hope from me.
• 1:06
  People see my stuff and automatically think yes they can
• 1:09
  change. I get messages all the time.
• 1:10
  Literally every single day. I get messages on Instagram,
• 1:13
  emails I guess every single day when people asking me can well
• 1:16
  Lee you change so can a narcissist change?
• 1:19
  Can my partner that beats me up and cheats on me every single
• 1:22
  day and lies to me and desires the money?
• 1:24
  Can they change their behaviors? And I tell people typically no.
• 1:31
  I know people don't want to hear me say that and I know it's hard
• 1:34
  for people to believe, but typically they're not going to
• 1:37
  change their behaviors. Now listen, I would listen to a
• 1:40
  Tony Robbins video the other day.
• 1:41
  Y'all if y'all know me, Tony Robbins has changed my life.
• 1:46
  He's if people, if I get on stage one day and people, I'm
• 1:49
  doing a Ted talk, I'll shout out Eric Thomas, Tony Robbins, Gary
• 1:52
  Vaynerchuk and a few other people, right?
• 1:54
  Of course, God, y'all of course, God.
• 1:55
  I would say God first, but then I was just like, you know, Gary
• 1:59
  Vaynerchuk, Gary Vee. They had a very impact in my
• 2:02
  life too. But I, I, I say that to tell to,
• 2:06
  he had a video the other day and he said, can any, can people
• 2:09
  change? Can anybody change?
• 2:10
  He said, yes, anybody can change.
• 2:12
  I was like, I would listen to the, I was in the gym, I was in
• 2:14
  O2 Fitness in Durham, NC. I was just like, they were like,
• 2:18
  can anybody change? I was like, no people, most
• 2:20
  people can't change. Tony Robbins said yes, they can.
• 2:22
  I was like for a he said for people to change somebody, the,
• 2:28
  the, the, the person trying to get them to change has to have
• 2:31
  some type of leverage or that person has to want to actually
• 2:35
  change their behaviors on their own.
• 2:37
  You got narcissistic people typically are not going to want
• 2:42
  to change their behaviors because they're getting their
• 2:44
  needs met. So ask yourself this question as
• 2:48
  a survivor thriver, whoever it is, whoever you are listening to
• 2:51
  this, you can be another narcissist listening to this,
• 2:53
  right? Ask yourself this question right
• 2:55
  here. Why would I change a behavior or
• 2:58
  some behaviors that are serving me that are getting I'm getting
• 3:02
  my needs met by by exuding these behaviors.
• 3:06
  These behaviors are getting my needs met.
• 3:08
  Why would I change those behaviors if they're meeting my
• 3:12
  if my needs are being met? That's a real question.
• 3:15
  Why would I change a behavior that is meeting my needs?
• 3:21
  You have to answer the question as well because like, they're
• 3:24
  not going to change something that they benefit from.
• 3:27
  If I, you see what I'm saying, if I can, if I wake up every
• 3:29
  morning, I go to this whale, right?
• 3:32
  And I every time I throw a pin into the whale, I get
• 3:35
  $1,000,000. Why would I stop doing that?
• 3:39
  Why would I stop doing that? If it works, why would I stop
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  doing what worked for me? So that's the question you have
• 3:45
  to ask yourself. Why would they stop doing
• 3:46
  something that works for them? It has to stop working.
• 3:50
  What they do has to stop working with that whatever that
• 3:53
  narcissist is doing to get their needs met.
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  It has to stop working for them. It really does.
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  It has to be pulled back. It has to be reeled in.
• 4:01
  A they cannot continuously get their needs met in the same way
• 4:05
  every single time for and then want to change their behaviors.
• 4:07
  Y'all? That doesn't make any sense.
• 4:11
  Well, Lee, what about me? They're hurt.
• 4:12
  What if they what if I just appeal to them that they're
• 4:15
  hurting me? They've been hurting you the
• 4:17
  whole time and they still haven't changed, you see, and
• 4:21
  it's not me trying to be hard y'all.
• 4:22
  I got to be I I just like to keep it real.
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  They have to want to change their behaviors or there has to
• 4:28
  be some type of leverage applied to them.
• 4:30
  Well, what is leverage, Lee? What kind of leverage do I have?
• 4:32
  Like what is what is leverage? Think about the definition of
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  leverage. Leverage is the the I can't off
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  my top of my head, I don't have my phone or anything.
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  It's the ability to use something to move something
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  right? You, it's taking a stick and put
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  it in the right position and being able to move a £500 rock
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  roll it down the hill. You can't push it with your
• 4:51
  hands, but you got this stick. The stick gets wedged under
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  there. You put a rock under the stick
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  and a stick allows you to move the, the stick allows you to
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  apply enough leverage to roll that big ass rock down the hill,
• 5:02
  right. So as the rock is rolling down
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  the hill, you see what I'm saying?
• 5:07
  You get the mover, you, you get, you have to have the ability to
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  move it now. So what leverage do you have
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  over the narcissist? Seriously, what leverage do you
• 5:15
  have over a narcissist to get in the moves to get in the change?
• 5:19
  Typically the the greatest leverage that you have over a
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  narcissist, typically the greatest leverage that you have
• 5:24
  over a narcissist is going to be yourself, right?
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  That's going to be the greatest leverage that you have over a
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  narcissist is yourself. You have like the access to you
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  is going to be the leverage that you have right access to
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  yourself is going to be the greatest leverage that you have
• 5:41
  over a narcissistic person. It's just is.
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  And sometimes y'all, let's be real, that's not going to be
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  enough to get them to move. It's just not.
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  And this is not me saying that you are not enough.
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  This is my not me saying that you are not worthy cause some
• 5:55
  people to hear me say they will lead.
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  So you I'm not good enough. So I'm not worthy.
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  That's not what I said. It might not be enough for them.
• 6:02
  You are enough. You might not be enough for them
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  because nobody is. Nobody is.
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  Nobody is enough. So you like say you, you're, you
• 6:13
  leaving, taking access away from you might not be enough leverage
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  to make them move in the right direction, to go to therapy, to
• 6:19
  get any type of help. That's what I'm saying right
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  there. It's not me saying that you are
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  not good enough. You're not worthy.
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  You're not this, you're not that.
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  I'm just saying you have to have, you have to have something
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  to make them move and that might not be enough.
• 6:32
  You have to have something to make them move to rock bottom.
• 6:35
  Let's say like that, right? They have to find a way to hit,
• 6:38
  they have to hit rock bottom. And you leaving might not be
• 6:44
  enough to make them hit rock bottom.
• 6:45
  And I know people just saying, are you taking the kids away or
• 6:47
  you filing for divorce? That might not be enough.
• 6:50
  Well, Lee, your wife left and that was enough for you.
• 6:53
  It wasn't just her leaving. It wasn't just her leaving that
• 6:59
  made me hit rock bottom, y'all. For me it was an accumulation of
• 7:02
  so many different events at the same time.
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  It was multiple rock bottoms at the same time.
• 7:07
  I'll do it on the video, read about my rock bottom, but it
• 7:09
  would look. I had a financial rock bottom.
• 7:11
  I was at the worst point financially in my life.
• 7:13
  I was broke as hell, I was overweight, I was uneducated, my
• 7:19
  teeth were messed up. I had physical rock bottom.
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  Everything in my life was going wrong.
• 7:24
  My kids were afraid of me. My wife didn't like me.
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  You know what I'm saying? My friends would cut my I didn't
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  have any friends. I was by myself.
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  I had all this. I had nothing.
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  My delusions of grandeur were not coming true.
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  I had nothing going for me. So when she left, that was the
• 7:40
  culmination of it. That was the I like that when
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  she left, I had nobody else to blame but me.
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  With me, I was there by myself. I had no one else to blame but
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  me. Who else I'm gonna blame?
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  She's gone. My kids are gone.
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  I'm in the house by myself. I'm gonna blame my dog.
• 7:58
  My dog's running around. Who am I blame?
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  You see what I'm saying? That's the thing we have to
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  think about right there. You leave.
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  It might not be enough for them to change their behaviors.
• 8:07
  And yo, let's keep it hot. Let's keep it hot and ready.
• 8:10
  And it's just not therapy. Like it's just not me.
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  For therapy is not just not the only thing to help me get to
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  this point. Right here.
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  Y'all. It's been so many other things.
• 8:19
  Yes, therapy has been a huge part of my journey.
• 8:22
  Without therapy, I would not be here, right?
• 8:25
  But I'm about to be 40 years old next month, you know?
• 8:30
  So at 19 or 20 years old, when I was working at Blockbuster
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  Video, I started doing personal development.
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  I started listening to Tony Robbins and listening and Zig
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  Ziglar and Jim Rome and a lot of these other people.
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  I started listening to so many different people.
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  Throughout the years, I've been doing personal development,
• 8:48
  taking these courses, going to these seminars dollars for
• 8:51
  almost 20 years. So couple that, couple that with
• 8:56
  eight years of therapy and you see how I got to this point
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  right here. So it's not, it has not just
• 9:00
  been therapy, it's been 20 years of personal development and then
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  eight years of therapy. Is your person willing to do
• 9:07
  that? Do you have time?
• 9:08
  Do you want to give them 20 years?
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  If you already gave them 20, you want to give 20 more.
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  If you already gave them eight, you want to give them eight
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  more. Ask yourself this question right
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  here. What have they shown you
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  throughout your throughout your whole journey together,
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  throughout your time together? What have what have they shown
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  you that they have the ability to be consistent with anything?
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  Seriously, what have they shown you that they have the ability
• 9:27
  to be consistent with anything other than consistently abusive?
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  What have they done? What have they shown you that
• 9:33
  they have the ability to be consistent with other than going
• 9:36
  to a job every single day? Right.
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  Because the, the job thing, I know people would be like, well,
• 9:39
  mine has worked at the same job for 10 years.
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  OK, but what have they shown the ability to be to be consistent
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  with that doesn't automatically serve them in every single way
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  That doesn't just benefit them, that benefits everybody else
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  around them. What have they been able to do
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  consistently? Because this question right here
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  y'all. I just feel like this question
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  gets so many people stuck. I don't think most narcissists
• 10:00
  have the ability to change their behaviors because they don't
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  want to. They don't want to change y'all.
• 10:04
  They are getting their needs met.
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  And then sometimes it's easier to replace you than to change
• 10:09
  their behaviors. It's it's easier to go start new
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  and to get a new supply than it is to change my behaviors to
• 10:16
  make this relationship better. And sometimes that's how it
• 10:19
  goes. It's easier for me to just go to
• 10:22
  somebody else than it is for me to like literally try to change
• 10:25
  my behaviors overall. For real.
• 10:28
  It is it's easier to replace you.
• 10:30
  It's easy to start with somebody who doesn't know me.
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  It's easier to love bomb somebody else than it is to
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  change my behaviors with someone else.
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  Believe what made your wife special, y'all?
• 10:39
  Nothing. It was not her.
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  It literally was me. She just left.
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  All she did was leave. She didn't say you need to go to
• 10:46
  therapy. You didn't make you need to do
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  this, you need to do that. She still hasn't said that,
• 10:49
  y'all. She still hasn't said that.
• 10:53
  It's just I've been inconsistent like over throughout my entire
• 10:55
  life. You can ask her, she she, she's
• 10:57
  done live videos. Go find her live video playlist
• 11:00
  on my channel. She'll tell you.
• 11:01
  I've been like every time I say I'm going to do something, I'm
• 11:04
  going to do it, babe, we're going to buy this house.
• 11:06
  Hey babe, I'm going to go to school, so we're going to get
• 11:08
  better jobs, we get a better house.
• 11:09
  I'm going to do this for us. I'm going to do that.
• 11:11
  I've always done that. Anytime I say I'm going to do
• 11:13
  something, I've done it. I have.
• 11:17
  And she knows. I think that's part of why she
• 11:19
  came back. She and I had already started
• 11:22
  doing the therapy stuff. Like I've been working on
• 11:23
  therapy. But even before she came back
• 11:25
  home, you see what I'm saying? I've been doing it.
• 11:27
  I'm never going to stop going to therapy.
• 11:28
  She can come in here right now and just babe, it's over.
• 11:30
  I'm leaving. And I would still go to therapy
• 11:31
  next week because it's not about her, it's about me.
• 11:36
  So typically, can narcissist change?
• 11:37
  No, because they don't want to, y'all.
• 11:38
  They don't want to. They're getting their needs met.
• 11:40
  Change is hard. Change is even me right now.
• 11:44
  I don't think I've completely changed, right?
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  I've just altered my reactions. I altered how I perceive
• 11:49
  information. I've altered how I received
• 11:51
  information. I've altered how I react.
• 11:55
  I don't look at everybody as attacking me.
• 11:56
  This is what 8 years of therapy and hard work do for you right?
• 12:01
  So ask yourself and I, I'll say this right here y'all, in
• 12:03
  closing, if your partner doesn't have a high I, I feel like there
• 12:07
  has to be a certain level of intelligence for them to change
• 12:09
  their behaviors as well. That's not me trying to say
• 12:11
  people of who lack intelligence can't change their behaviors.
• 12:14
  It just it's very difficult. I haven't seen the person that
• 12:17
  of very low intelligence whatnot and I like is it being able to
• 12:21
  change their behaviors over an extended period of time.
• 12:23
  I just haven't seen that. Y'all again, this is not me
• 12:25
  trying to intelligent shame or whatever this just be just
• 12:27
  saying what I've seen. This is anecdotal anyway.
• 12:29
  Y'all I do got to hop off here. I got to do a one-on-one hit
• 12:31
  that subscribe button. Y'all.
• 12:33
  We so close to 500 days. So close.
• 12:36
  We so close. I'm so grateful for y'all go to
• 12:39
  mentalillness.net for my coaching, my courses, and my
• 12:42
  support group. All this stuff is on
• 12:44
  mentalillness.net. Y'all, I'm grateful for you and
• 12:46
  I'm out. Peace.