Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #86 8yo Not Into Sport

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#86 8yo Not Into Sport · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with Dr Justin Kilson, where
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents. But just one answers, Now.
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  Speaker 2: Do you do any organized sports?
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  Speaker 3: I used to ride competitively, but I don't anymore.
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  Speaker 2: But like squash, team sports, anything like that.
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  Speaker 3: No, not anymore. No. In fact, I'm kind of a
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  Speaker 3: little bit. As I've gotten older, I've become a little
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  Speaker 3: bit anti competition. And I can explain why shortly. But
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  Speaker 3: you know, last last time we had a chat, I
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  Speaker 3: asked you a joke about a shoe factory, and I
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  Speaker 3: don't know if I remember. I don't know if I
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  Speaker 3: should start a tradition or not. But I kind of
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  Speaker 3: feel like, you know when you hear a great dad
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  Speaker 3: joke and you go home that night and you tell
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  Speaker 3: everyone and everyone goes, but everyone loves it. Well, I'm thinking,
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  Speaker 3: I'm just I'm just thinking, looks it looks unhappy.
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  Speaker 1: What do you.
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  Speaker 3: What do you call a dog with no legs? I
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  Speaker 3: don't know, it doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
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  Speaker 2: Let's get to the question.
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  Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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  Speaker 2: My son he's eight years years old and he doesn't
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  Speaker 2: like sport all. I'm worried he's going to get left
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  Speaker 2: out and ostracized as he gets older because boys still
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  Speaker 2: bonds so much over sport. Should I make him continue
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  Speaker 2: with one sure answer?
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  Speaker 3: No?
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  Speaker 2: No, thanks so much, doctor, doesn't.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like every time I talk with Susie now
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  Speaker 3: there's just this I'm okay for you, therapist, Susan, No.
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  Speaker 2: I agree with your answer on this one. So let's
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  Speaker 2: explore this a little bit. So a child doesn't like sport,
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  Speaker 2: they don't, they're not interested in it, they don't want
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  Speaker 2: to do it. We do often sort of force them
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  Speaker 2: too early in their youth put them into sport games,
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  Speaker 2: teams games, because we're told as parents that that's how
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  Speaker 2: we build the concept of team.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, So there's two different directions that we need to
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  Speaker 3: take this conversation. The first, let's talk about competition generally
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  Speaker 3: and sport even more generally. And then let's talk about
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  Speaker 3: finding passions, strengths, and spark. Okay. So when it comes
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  Speaker 3: to competition, one of the things that I was most
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  Speaker 3: fascinated by when I was writing my book Nine Ways
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  Speaker 3: to a Resilient Child. I began to uncover all of
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  Speaker 3: these myths, things that people think will build their children's
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  Speaker 3: resilience but actually don't. And one of the biggest myths
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  Speaker 3: out there is that competition is good for resilience. The
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  Speaker 3: research tells us unequivocally, it's lousy. It's terrible. For the losers,
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  Speaker 3: it makes them feel like they're worthless and incompetent and
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  Speaker 3: you know, no good. And for the winners. What happens
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  Speaker 3: if they win consistently is that they begin to identify
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  Speaker 3: as a winner, which means that every time they go
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  Speaker 3: out to play, their identity is on the line. And
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  Speaker 3: if they lose, what does that actually say about me?
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  Speaker 3: I mustn't be a winner, I must be a loser. Look,
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  Speaker 3: Nick Curios might be the best example of this in
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  Speaker 3: Australian sport right now. We've got this guy whose identity
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  Speaker 3: is so tied up with winning and when he's not winning,
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  Speaker 3: my goodness, he's just uncivil, I think, is probably the
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  Speaker 3: most polite way to say it. So competition and there's
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  Speaker 3: a whole lot of research that we won't have time
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  Speaker 3: to go into right now. Competition is a problem generally
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  Speaker 3: now in terms of sport, sport's great kids being active
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  Speaker 3: and outside is wonderful. But as soon as we start
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  Speaker 3: to say I can only feel good about myself if
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  Speaker 3: I make somebody feel bad about themselves. That is, I
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  Speaker 3: can only feel good about me if I win. And
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  Speaker 3: therefore you I mean, it's a zero some game. Most sport.
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  Speaker 3: Unless we're actually unless we're building relationships and we're building
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  Speaker 3: a level of competence and mastery, we're not going to
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  Speaker 3: get good outcomes from forcing the kids into sport. We
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  Speaker 3: want the kids to find some kind of physical activity
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  Speaker 3: that's outside, that's good for them, and that builds relationships
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  Speaker 3: and competence. But it doesn't have to be sport, and
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't have to be competitive. What matters is that
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  Speaker 3: they're outside and active, that they're healthy. That is what
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  Speaker 3: builds resilience, and that is what builds a balanced, happy,
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  Speaker 3: healthy life.
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  Speaker 1: Within this question, there's a very specific focus on later
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  Speaker 1: on in life, really bond and the ostracize or can
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  Speaker 1: you share a bond with other boys?
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  Speaker 3: So I just came across a story around Father's Day.
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  Speaker 3: There was an ad that was released on the internet
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  Speaker 3: for a beer company, and the story was about a
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  Speaker 3: young boy aged six. His name was I Hope. I
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  Speaker 3: pronounced it correctly Daniel Gordiello, and Daniel said to his dad,
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  Speaker 3: just a typical Aussie battler, that I'm not enjoying sport
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  Speaker 3: at all. I want to take ballet classes. Now, that's
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  Speaker 3: kind of stepping in a really different direction and that
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  Speaker 3: would probably be a little bit provocative for many families
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  Speaker 3: to hear that from their six year old son. I
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  Speaker 3: would guess that it would be less provocative today than
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  Speaker 3: it was twenty years ago when this happened for this person.
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  Speaker 3: Actually it was probably about thirty or forty years ago,
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  Speaker 3: but still still that's still a big deal. But the
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  Speaker 3: dad actually said yes, And what ended up happening with
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  Speaker 3: this six year old boy is that he rows through
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  Speaker 3: the ranks and became principal at the Australian Ballet.
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  Speaker 2: What that's amazing.
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  Speaker 3: There are people out there who will love whatever it
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  Speaker 3: is that your son loves. And if he doesn't want
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  Speaker 3: to play sport, that's fine. He might fall in love
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  Speaker 3: with ballet, or he could fall in love with chess,
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  Speaker 3: or maybe he just wants to do lego and become
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  Speaker 3: an engineer. Maybe he's going to end up at NASA.
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  Speaker 3: For our job as parents is not to say this
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  Speaker 3: is what I was, and therefore this is what you'll become.
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  Speaker 3: You know, Doctor Justin Corson was a competitive swimmer and
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  Speaker 3: like cycling, so therefore his children should do that. No,
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  Speaker 3: what our job is is to say what lights you up?
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  Speaker 3: What is it inside you that brings you alive? If
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  Speaker 3: we can tap into that when our children are six
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  Speaker 3: or sixteen, it doesn't matter. Our job is to find
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  Speaker 3: it and then let that spark. If you light a
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  Speaker 3: fire on a candle, puff of wind blows it out. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: if you light a flame in a forest, puff of
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  Speaker 3: wind ignites it. I think that what we need to
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  Speaker 3: do is look at our children as sparks, put them
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  Speaker 3: in the forest and wish for the wind.
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  Speaker 1: You've sat here in the studio and you've talked to
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  Speaker 1: us about the fact that our our children need community,
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  Speaker 1: they need people they do. This is what you're saying.
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  Speaker 1: You say, Yeah, your son eight years old needs people
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  Speaker 1: and needs to belong. It just may not be sport
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  Speaker 1: where he finds them.
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  Speaker 3: Right, and Australia is just so sports centric. Yes, and
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  Speaker 3: that's where it gets really tricky for this parent and
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  Speaker 3: his or her desire for eight year old boy to
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  Speaker 3: be involved in a sporting pursuit, and there will be
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  Speaker 3: social clicks and there will be challenges. Without question, I
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  Speaker 3: don't particularly care for footy, and people still think I'm
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  Speaker 3: a bit weird for that because I want to sta
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  Speaker 3: up in the middle of the night and watch European
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  Speaker 3: cycling with men with wax or shaved legs. But you
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  Speaker 3: know what, I've found my tribe, and there are people
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  Speaker 3: who like cycling and they do the same thing as me,
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  Speaker 3: and we get to have fun together. There will be
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  Speaker 3: somebody out there who's into what he's into.
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Pilson, thank you so much. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: a wonderful answer and I'll be really reassuring for this parent.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for entering it.
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  Speaker 3: Great talk.
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  Speaker 2: For more information on all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
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  Speaker 2: you can go online to Happy Families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: And to find out how to have Justin come and
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  Speaker 2: speak at your school, organization or event, go to Justinculson
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  Speaker 2: dot com.