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Family Ties · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother mea podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: is recorded on. On this podcast, we've spoken about great relationships,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: terrible relationships, broken relationships, and all those relationships in between.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: But there's another kind. We don't talk about that often,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: perhaps because it's not really a relationship yet we all
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: know about it.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Everyone that we were friends. We knew that we were something,
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: but they didn't know what we were. So it was
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: we were the people that always shed a bed, but
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: we were just friends. But then people didn't really know
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: what was happening. But we were always together and we
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: were always there was always touching and hugging, and people
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: would always ask me, what are you and I'd be like,
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: we're just best best best friends.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: That's right, dear listener. This situationship, while not having a title,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: they can be just as intense, confusing, or consuming and
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: chaotic as something more official. Just ask Amanda.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: You don't want to overreact, and you don't want to
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: seeing like you're too into them because they're going to
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: not be into you. And I thought I knew what
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: we were and then at the time I was just
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: utterly confused and utterly panicked. I think about losing something
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: that I had more than anything else. My heart was
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: definitely hurting in a way that I'd never felt it
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: hurt before.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an X.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Today's story
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: is about Amanda and Aaron double a buddies at high school,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the very best of friends. They really were meant to be.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: I met Aaron in huh high school. We were in
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: the same year level, and he went on an excursion
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: with my best friend at the time, and then she
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: came back and she was like, you have to meet
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: this guy. I just know you're going to get along.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: And then he and I met and we just clicked immediately.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: And I had this group of girlfriends and we were
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: always together, and then he was leading the guys in
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: a way, so we bonded and formed the group together
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: a little bit. And that was I think year eleven,
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: so I was seventeen years old. So we started as friends,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: but it quickly went into best friends and just very close,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: a little bit maybe competitive with each other, a little
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: bit like enjoying each other's power struggle a little bit
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: in high school as it is. And then I would
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: host a lot of events and the parties, and he
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: would always encourage that, and he would come and bring
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: all the boys and have fun. Then we got very,
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: very close, and we started to really bond about just
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: our families, and he started to come over to my
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: house a lot and things like that. I think what
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: drew me to him was he had a really like
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: leadership power vibe to him. He was always in control.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: He was always the coolest guy in the room. He
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: would like tell a joke in the whole room would
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: laugh at it like one of those guys. And I
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: was really drawn to that because I really thought that,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: like we were a little bit of a power couple,
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: Like we would not power in the sense of, you know,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: controlling people with power in the sense of we'd get
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: everyone to come to the parties and to do the
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: things and to do the fun activities. And it was
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: a very drawn to each other. It was probably the
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: year after we finished high school, and it was when
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: I started to spend a lot of time in his house.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: And everyone sort of knew we were something without being something,
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: I guess, and everyone could see we were extremely close,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: and we went to everything together, and we left everything together,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: and we were always just together. He made me feel
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: very seen, I think, and he made me feel very funny,
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: and he really enjoyed my personality, and he enjoyed my quirks,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: and he thought that, you know, when I was silly,
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: I was being hilarious, and that made me feel really safe.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: And he made me feel very like someone was really
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: looking at me for the first time and just really
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: lacking every single thing about me, which was really enjoy
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: able and quite a dictal to be around.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I think we can all see where this friendship was headed.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: My parents went through a really bad divorce when I
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: left you twelve, and I remember my eighteenth birthday was
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: the day that they had to sell my house, and
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: it was this awful, horrible thing. So I was drawn
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: to him and his family because he was very much like,
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: come and spend all your time with us, and he
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: had a beautiful house and we would go and just
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: I'd spend all my time there with his mum and
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: with his brother, and we would just hang out and
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: I felt very safe there. So it got to a
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: point where, like a couple of years in, I was
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: probably spending four or five nights a week in his house,
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: and when I was there, we always shared a bed
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: and it was always very like loving and couplely, and
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: it was like we were a couple without ever really
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: being a couple in a way. Definitely started as staying
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: on the couch, staying in like not being together at all,
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: and then it progressed to there was one night we
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: were out at a bar or something, and then we
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: came home and he just sort of went, you've had
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: a really bad day, would you want to stay in
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: bed with me? And then it went to this really comfy,
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: cuddly placed and then it just became the norm that
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: we were in bed together, and we would even on
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: holidays with friends, we would share a bed together, or
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: he would invite me into the bed and like, but
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: it was always a if you would like to come in,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: you can sort of thing, and I would always be like, well,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I do want to come in, So I would go
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: and get in bed with him. It was very cuddly
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: and very you know, you're safe here if you're not
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: safe anywhere else. That sort of thing, and we would
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: spend hours in bed just talking and cuddling and just
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: spending time together really and it felt really good at
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: the time if a very like I'd found a person
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: and only I knew that person, and that person wanted
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: me to be there, even if he couldn't admit it
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: to anyone else, he wanted me there sort of. So
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I was very happy to be there for most of
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: the time, and probably for the first three years, I
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: was very happy to be there just contently in his
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: little cuddle sort of area. I think I realized I
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: was falling for him at the end of high school,
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: especially when my family break downside to happen. I think
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: he became a really safe place, and I remember remember
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: after a big argument with my family in an awful day,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: I would just go to his house and he would
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: just take me in and he would just put me
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: in bed with him, and it was this really sweet
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: moment of just feeling very loved and very safe. About
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: a year into sharing a bed together a couple of
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: nights a week, it was probably the first time something
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: sexual happened, and I was over the moon because I
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: thought he was falling in love with me, and I
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: thought he was into me, and I thought I'd met
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: someone who was playing hard to get, but he made
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: me feel very safe. The vibe the next morning after
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: we did something sexual was pretty chill. Actually, we just
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: kind of kept going as normal. It felt a bit
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: more cupply. I actually remember we went to a football game.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: We went straight to we met some friends out and
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: I remember seeing this sort of being like, ooh, that's
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: my guy, because it felt like we were starting a relationship.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: We were starting something and we were so close at
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: that point because we talked all the time and we
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: were together all the time, and it felt really nice
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: to be in something definitely and like very very connected
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: to someone. I told him about my feelings. It was
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: sort of a It was a scary moment for me
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: because I wasn't very good at sharing my feelings. I
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: thought it was also just definitely happening naturally by itself.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: And he would always sort of make jokes about like, oh,
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I know, you have a crush on me, and I
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: would always be like, oh, yeah, you know a little bit.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: And it was a bit of a game we were
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: playing with each other. And I did tell him a
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: couple of times oh, I think that I'm really falling
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: for you. And he would always be like, oh, you're
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: so silly, and like brushed off a little bit. But
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: then it was always the actions were so different. It
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: was always a come and sleep and bear with me afterwards,
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: and then something sexual would happen, and you know that
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: sort of thing. So I always assumed it was always reciprocated,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: just never able to say it was where we're at.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: But a couple of times he did say it. He
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: would say it or he would tell it to someone
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: else and they would tell me, and I was just
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: very like, Oh, we're just in this little thing together.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: And this little thing continued for quite some time.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: We were about three years in at this point, and
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: we were spending some time with some friends. They were
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: actually doing tough better. We was a normal week. I
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: spent a couple of weeks at night to his house.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: That week, I had dinner with his family, I was
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: watching TV with his brother and doing these kind of things.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I was really part of his life. And the night
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: we had a big party and I watched him take
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: my best friend into his room to hook up with her,
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: and I just felt something change in my body and
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: I just for the first time felt pure anxiety that
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I've never felt before, and I remember just sort of
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: looking back and just feeling my whole body start to panic.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: And he just did it. He just took her in
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: there and he was like, yep, this is what we're
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: doing and closed the door. And I had to wait
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: for the whole night sleeping on the couch for them too,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: because I was able to drive home, so I had
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: to sleep on the couch and wait for the next
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: morning for them to reappear. And the whole night I
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: just lay there and just waited with the anxiety just
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: building up inside me. I didn't know what to do,
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: and I didn't know if I should call someone, and
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: then I didn't think. I didn't know if I was
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: being ridiculous. My best friend and everyone that we were friends.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: We knew that we were some thing, but they didn't
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: know what we were. So we were the people that
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: always shared a bed, but we were just friends. But
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: then people didn't really know what was happening. But we
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: were always together and we were always there was always
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: touching and hugging in anytime there was alcohol involved. He
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: was way too close to me, and it was always
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: that sort of. We were very very very close, and
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: no one quite understood, and people would always ask me,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: what are you and I'd be like, we're just we're
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: just best best best friends, you know, and it was
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: hard to explain what we were. So she thought the
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: same thing. She was like, they're just really really really close,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: and why would anyone pursue someone if they were with
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: someone else. He most definitely pursued her, and he made
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: her feel like there was nothing going on between him
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: and I, so she didn't think that there was anything
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: happening between us when she pursued things back with him.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to overreact. When you're nineteen years old
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: and it's the first boy you've ever had a crush on,
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: you don't want to overreact, and you don't want to
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: seem like you're too into them because they're gonna not
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: be into you. And I thought I knew what we were.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: And then at the time, I was just utterly confused
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: and utterly panicked. I think about losing something that I had.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: So the next morning I drove her home actually, and
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: I went home and I went straight to bed, and
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: I started to just question everything, and I went over
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: and over in my head. I didn't actually even talk
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: to him the next morning. I just couldn't face it,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: and I went to bed, and I remember he came
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: over that night and he was just like he just
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: kept asking me what was wrong, and I kept saying,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: I don't understand why you would have done that, and
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: then he started to get more and more and more angry.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: And that was the first time I ever saw the
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: anger side of him, which was this I can do
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: anything I want side, and then I have a really
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: clear image of it in my head. He looked me
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: down in the eye and he was like, I never
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: promised you anything, And that was the first time I
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: really saw that side of him, and it was a
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: whole new side that I never really I was always
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: very safe and very open with him, and then suddenly
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: it was a who were you to think or that
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: we are anything sort of reaction. And he did say
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: to me, you are making this all up in your head,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: and at nineteen, I went, I must be making this
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: all up in my head, and so I believed him,
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: and I definitely just spent the next two weeks just
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: trying to dampen down my anxiety and tell myself I
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: was being ridiculous. So I calmed myself down. I went
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: back to normal, and we rebuilt a friendship and I
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: didn't think about it again. And it was different though.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: After that, everything was a little bit different. Something was
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: a little bit more. I was trying hard to rebuild
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: a friendship that he was a bit like above me.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Now there was something that was different in our dynamic.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: We didn't agree on what was happening, but we didn't
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: talk about it either. So if I said to him
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: I thought we were becoming something, I thought you had
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: feelings to me, he would just brush me off. And
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose him, so I kept doing
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: what we were doing, and we were just best friends.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: We just we did pull back. We stopped sharing a
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: bed as much, and we stopped engaging in anything sexual
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: after that that much, and then it became a much
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: more about taking care of me. I think he knew
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: that I was enjoying having a place to go. I
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: hadn't quite figured out my family situation yet, and so
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: it became much more, Oh, she needs me, so I'm
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: giving this to her.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Soon enough, the sexual side picked back up too.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: It stayed as this strange thing that sometimes would happen
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: when we were drinking, or especially if he drank a lot,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: it would happen all the time, and there would be
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: declarations of love and there would be a lot of things,
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: and it was always like his true feelings came out
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: if he had a little bit of alcohol, but anytime
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: he was sober, he was so controlled and so calculated,
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: and so no, no, no, this is this is what we
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: are sort of thing. And then it became a don't
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: question it anymore. It became if you want to be
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: in each other's lives, you don't question it anymore. You're
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: just here. But at the same time, we were basically married,
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: like we spent every day together. We did everything together,
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: we were in each other's families, we would go to
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: family functions together. We were talking all day every day.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: It was a full blown relationship. So I didn't even
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: have any space for anything else because I was in
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: a relationship with this person. I was so attached to
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: this person and it felt like, yeah, it felt like
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: a full on husband. I was completely in love with him,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: and I was in love with the idea of our
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: life together, I think, and I didn't want to let
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: that go. And I loved being involved with his family,
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: and I loved being just with him and safe with him.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: And there was a couple of times where he would
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: tell me he loved me back, and we had these
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: amazing moments, and I just I was completely smitten and
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: fallen for him. I think my body was reacting more
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: to the ups and downs than my brain was. I
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: think I got very used to ignoring what my gut
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: was telling me, especially after that first time. When I
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: did that on purpose, I would start to get quite sick.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: I gained weight, I got more and more anxious, and
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: more and more issues like that, and I started to
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: do things like my hair wouldn't grow very quickly, and
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: just I was always just a bit sick and always
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: just a bit off, and my gut was always really bad.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: And I remember going to doctors for stomach problems and
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: things like that, and it was usually always your anxious
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: and I would go, I don't know what I'm anxious about,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: and I would never figure it out. And then a
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: lot of it had to do with this relationship that
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: wasn't really a relationship, but it was just slowly kind
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: of tearing me apart a little bit. So he simultaneously
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: was my best friend in the entire world, and the
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: person I told everything to and who was there for
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: me all the time, but also the person who was
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: very slowly messing with my confidence and my self esteem
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: and everything about me, but I never quite noticed. I
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: think I was holding onto the idea of what we
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: could be, and I was holding onto the idea of
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: the safety that I had with him, and I was
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: holding on to the idea of I needed this, I
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: needed this person to survive, and he knew exactly how
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: to make it seem that way too. He knew exactly
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: how to make me feel like, oh, this is this
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: is what I need because I can't function without him.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: And he would always sort of do this like you know,
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: I'm here for you, and I'm here for you, and
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, yeah, I know, like it's great, and
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: he would always push that side of things to the
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: point where I didn't even realize how much he was
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: kind of skewing things a little bit. I think I
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: had gotten over the truly deeply first love love for
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: him at that point, but I think I was extremely
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: close to him, and I think I was still in
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: love with him. It felt like a five ten years
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: in relationship with a husband at that point, because we
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: knew each other so well and we'd gone through things
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: together at that point, and I was deeply in love
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: with him, but he was also just my best friend.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: He was the person that I wanted to spend all
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: my time with who knew me better than anyone else
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: who I think there was also a sense of panic
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: in it now, a little bit like I couldn't live
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: without him, Like I didn't know what to do without him.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I didn't know how to detach. I didn't know how
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: to be myself, so I needed him.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: It was incredibly confusing and seemingly not good for her,
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: but she kept it going as it was because she
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: couldn't bear the thought of losing her person, a concept
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: she didn't think she'd ever have to comprehend until.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: Five years after we met. But three years into this
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: very close relationship we had, he found out Who's moving
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: to Sydney for work and he got Groven a great opportunity.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: I was devastated. I was really, really really upset, and
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: I would cry and I would get really stressed. I
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: would ask a lot of questions about, well, what does
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: that mean for us? And why are you leaving and
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: this sort of thing, and I did get really hurt
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: by the idea of him leading. And a lot of
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: that was my own anxieties because I'd obviously been through
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: a lot with my family, but it was also just
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: having this person who I don't really know what they are,
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: I am I as close to them as I think
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I am. He was leaving and I was just devastating.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I was crying. I remember lying on the bed in
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: his house just crying while he was packing the bag,
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: and he was just sort of he was trying to
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: comfort me, but he was also just determined to go,
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: and he really wanted to go, and that was fine,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: but I felt like I was losing my best friend.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: Felt like a breakup. It felt like he was leaving me.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: It was the way that my heart felt like it
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: was a breakup. It was the person I'd spent all
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: my time with, who was very happily going somewhere else
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: without really thinking about what it meant for anything to
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: do with us. And my heart was definitely hurting in
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: a way that I'd never felt it hurt before because
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't really know what to do, and when he left,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: I was very lost. I think is the way to
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: put it, I was very confused and just lonely well
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: than anything else. So the friendship when he moved, it
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: stayed close as it could. We caught on the phone
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: all day every day. He kept talking to me, we
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: kept doing things. I visited Sydney couple of times with
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: some friends, and when I was there, we would share
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: a bed and we would always cuddle and it would
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: go back to normal when I was there. I remember
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: going to see him, but I would never meet his
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: Sydney friends. I would never meet anyone. There was a
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: girl in Sydney who he was seeing, and he purposely
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: made sure we'd never met, made sure we didn't and
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: even I do remember asking him, if we are best friends,
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: why don't I get to meet anyone? And he would
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: just be like, you're just going to be over the
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: top about it. And I remember going, well, if you
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: want to be best friends, I should meet the girl,
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: and he was like no, no, no, no, no no. But the
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: way I found out about the girl was he didn't
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: tell me. I was there visiting him one weekend and
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: we were sharing a bed and we were doing all
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: these things together, and I found her stuff in the
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: bathroom and I found her hairbrush, and I found all
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: these female things, and I went out and was like,
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: are you seeing someone? And he was like, I was
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: waiting for you to find it. And that's how he
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: told me. And I was like, why wouldn't you just
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: tell me straight out? And he basically just said, I
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: just wanted to see what you would do, because I
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: knew that you'd overreact. And so I slept on the
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: couch that night and I talked to my best friend
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: on the phone and she was saying to me things like,
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: that's just not okay. He should just tell you. He's
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: just messing with you. And I'd go like, oh, maybe
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: you're right, Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he like, you know,
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: he wants to see what I would do, because I
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: have overacted in the past, and I know I can
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: be very anxious.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: And was in Sydney for a year, and over that time,
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Amanda did realize actually she could live without him. God,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: she missed him, but she survived something that until she
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: was forced to, she didn't know if she could. And
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: then he moved back.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: He was in Sydney for a year and then he
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: came back and just settled back into life again. So
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I was living with two wonderful housemates and I loved
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: there were my guy friends, and I loved them so much.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: And he was definitely a little jealous of that. I
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: think he thought that I would stop being friends with
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: people without him. And these are people we all went
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: to school with, so they weren't his, they weren't mine.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: They were very shared and we had a great house dynamic.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: I felt very happy and like I had a really
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: great bunch of friends while he was in Sydney, and
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: I was very much myself, I think. And when he
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: came back, he did slip back into sort of coming
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: to things again, and he came back into the friendship group,
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: and he was a little bit I think jealous. It
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: came across as jealousy more than anything else, not that
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: I was friends with them and not him, that I
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: think we were friends without him. He got a place
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: really close by. It was ridiculously over the top expansive
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: and he didn't need to live there by himself, but
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: he got one really close by because every Monday night
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: we had a dinner with the people that lived in
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: the suburbs we were in close by, and he was
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: not part of those suburbs, and instead of moving to
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: where he used to live, he moved very close and
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: then demanded he was invited. I mentioned to him, like,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: this is just something we do. It's been going on
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: for years without you, you know, do you need to
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: do it? And he made me feel so bad about
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: the fact he wasn't invited that eventually he was invited
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: and he was just there. He was part of everything,
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: and it manifested in a more of just a guilt
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: tripping way. Every now and then it was just a oh,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: I'm doing this, Oh well, I want to come. So
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: he was at everything all the time. He would say,
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: you know, I want to spend time together. While we
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: spending time together, and I would have him there. So
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: he was always at my house, he was always around.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: He started to be at everything again. I definitely was like, oh,
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: he's missed me and he's come back from Sydney. You know,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: he wants to spend time with me again, and here
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: we are, and this is this is going to be great.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: And I wanted him around. I missed him. It was
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: it was my close person. He was the person in
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: the room who whenever I was talking and like, you
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: feel a little bit alone because you're in a room
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: full of people, he'd like lock eyes with you, and
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: he was the one that saw you. He was that
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: guy in my life. A lot of my friends were,
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: you know, getting engaged in doing the things you do,
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: and I was going, it's okay, it's okay, I have
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: this guy, and this guy has me, and every part
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: of it was an emotional relationship. It was we went
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: immediately back into being those close, close people who spent
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: all that time together, who talked NonStop, who were just
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: not seeing other people. He never saw anyone else, and
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: I never saw anyone else, And like I would go
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: and you know, have casual relationships here and there with people,
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: but I never connected emotionally to anyone else the whole time.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: And he hated everyone I ever went and saw, and
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: I never knew about anything that he was doing, and
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: if I did, it was always this I knew you'd
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: be jealous reaction.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: One thing that did change, though, when Aaron came back
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: from Sydney, they stopped hooking up.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: I did reach a point of I just need to
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: be friends with this guy. But it was not a
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: normal friendship in any way. There was just so much
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: emotional connection there, and there was so much closeness, and
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: there was so much getting drunk at a party and
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: still sort of saying stupid things to each other, and
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: he would be it was character party one time and
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: I was singing and he was sitting on a seat
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: so close to me and staring up at me, drunk,
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: and all my friends are like, that guy's in love
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: with you, and I was like, yep, but what does
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: that matter now, Like he's not gonna say himself. So
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: it was just this constant everyone knew it. I thought
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: I knew it. Thing that was happening all the time.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: So when Amanda found out her housemates were moving out,
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: it was totally fine for Aaron to move in, right right.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: My best friend told me not to do it, My
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: housemates told me not to do it, and I told everyone, no, no, no,
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: we are so fine. It's gonna be so great. We're
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: in a really great place. I'm really in control of it.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Everything's fine. And he moved in. It was really fun.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I had my best friend in the house, so we
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: played a lot of video games and we had a
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: lot of people over and we hung out and we
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: knew how to get along really well. And he got
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: a puppy, which she was amazing, and I got to
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: help raise the puppy, and it was it was great.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: He was having my best friend around and it was
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: always someone that was there. That was the thing. It
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: was because it was also COVID. We were working from home,
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: and I would just go into his study and I
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: would just sit on his couch, and whenever things were wrong,
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: my best friend was right there next to me, and
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: it was so easy to have him around. I definitely
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: started to develop feelings again for him. I think we
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: both kept it very separate because there was also at
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: that point a part of my gut which was like,
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: don't you can't do that again. I think maybe my
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: body had learned by that point a little bit more,
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: but I was starting to see some cracks growing. So
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: even though my heart was like, this is the guy
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: for you, there was something in like my gut and
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: my head's saying, don't cross online. But you know that
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: being said, we were cuddling on the couch and we
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: were hugging five times a day, and we were, you know,
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: attached to each other, and we were doing everything together.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: So I was basically married at that point. We were
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: just sleeping in separate beds is kind of what it
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: felt like. We were cooking for each other, like it
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: wasn't exactly like we were housemates. I'd had male housemates,
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: and this was very different.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: And they didn't cross the line, I mean, depending where
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: you see that line as being, but they continued on
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: as they always had. The relationship, though, wasn't the only
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: thing on Amanda's mind at that time. There was something
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: in her life that became a much bigger issue.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: In twenty eighteen, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. It
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: started off as breast cancer. So she just found a
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: lump in the shower one day and went in and
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: they found two different sides and it was awful when
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I did find that out. He was in Sydney, so
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: I sort of did a lot of that by myself,
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: and he was there and that sort of stuff. But
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: across the years, my mother's eldest progressed and kept growing
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: and they kept finding things, and so started twenty twenty four,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: her illness had gotten way worse. She was died of
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: with brain cancer and she got taken her to hospital
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: in about February and she basically was told she had
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: about six weeks to live after that, so I said,
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: step away from the house more and more, and my
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: sister and I were going into the hospice every day.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: At that point, my cousin had actually moved in with us.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: She had gone through a horrible divorce herself, and I
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: basically was like, look, I have a place to stay.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: It's a safe place for you. It's somewhere that's not
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: going home to your parents, you know. Would you like
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: to come in? Would you like to come live with me?
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: She was my cousin. I wanted her to have a
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: place to go. So Stephanie moved in with me and Aaron.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: We had always been close, but never like like great
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: friends close, and she left that relationship and we decided
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: to build a friendship up. So I saw it as
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: a really good opportunity to have someone that I was
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: close to in the house. And Aaron and I lived
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: there together for a really long time, so we would
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: set in our ways and I didn't see it as
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: an issue originally. It all went really well. She moved in,
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: We got along out, the dogs all got along. We
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: were a cute, little happy family. We went and played
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: tennis a lot. We did a lot of things that
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: were great. The three of us got along really well,
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: and she was really excited to be there. She had
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: a lot of time for him. She found him really funny,
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: she found him really great. He was selling the funniest
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: guy in the room, and he was the coolest guy
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: in the room, and she wanted to do what he
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: wanted to do. And I just started to notice, and
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I did comment to a friend of mine, she reminds
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: me of me when I was seventeen. It started to
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: instead of just being friends' housemate vibe sort of thing.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: She started to really want to become close to him
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: very quickly. She started to sort of really want to
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: be in every conversation and if ever, he and I
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: went and had a private conversation with the door closed
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: about anything really was we were leaving her out and
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: why are we doing that? And she should be in
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: there too. When I wasn't at the hospital or at
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: the hospice, I was spending time with them, and it
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: was this kind of strange universe where they were being
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: really close to me and really like being friends with me.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: But then stuff was going on, Like there was one
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: time they wanted to watch a horror film and I
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: was like, look, I spent the day in a hospice.
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: Can we maybe chill it out and not, you know,
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: do that. And he got so angry and he was
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: like oh and just went into his room and then
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: he started messaging me, this is what I'm talking about.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: You're just such a down or you're such a drag,
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: like you just ruined things. And I started to cry
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: on the couch and I showed my cousin the photos,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: like the photos of the messages that he was sending,
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: and she was just like, oh, I don't know, like
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: you know, it's a bit. She just kind of didn't
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: quite she said it was wrong, but she didn't quite
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: react to it. And then he came back out was like,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: let's go outside and do this thing instead, and she
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: went off and did it with him. And I remember
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: going outside crying and being like, so am I supposed
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: to join in? Or how is it working now? And
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: I was really angry and he was just sort of like, yeah,
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: come join in, and then I was just kind of
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: happy to be there. So I said nothing for the
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: rest of the night, and I kept wondering if I
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: was grieving and emotional and anxious, and there was so
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: much going on that. I was questioning myself a lot.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: I can't even describe it, like there was this strange
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: vibe in the house. They were being weird with each other.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: She was being very, very keen to be very close
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: to him. So he went through a bit of a
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: family situation at that time with some illness, and I
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: would go along a little bit to the hospital. But
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: I also knew him at that point for ten years,
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: and I'd known his family, and I was very close
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: to his family, and she would get a little bit
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: upset that she wasn't invined to come, and she'd send
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: things like, oh, if you guys are going to go
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: do that, then oh should I come over? And I
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: was a bit like, you've only known him for about
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: a month, like not quite understanding. But every time I
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: brought it up to him, he would just be like,
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: you're just jealous. I didn't want my relationship with my
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: family to be tainted. I did say to him, look,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: she's my family, and I remember saying to him, please
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: don't mess with my family, like straight out, and he
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: was sort of a bit angry about that. He was
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: a bit like, well, who are you to give me,
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: you know, tell me what to do. I was like,
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: if you want to stay friends, we just need to
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: have I think I said highness, respect and consideration for
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: each other, and he was like, I can't do that.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: The next thing that happened was, unfortunately my mother passed away.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: He was supportive, he was there. He turned up at
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: the hospice the day it all happened and he gave
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: me a big hug. But three days later, I was
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: doing her photo tribute and I was borrowing his laptop
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: to do it, and Aaron and Stephanie went to the
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: shops together and I was on the laptop at the
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: house and I was just I was basically tired, just
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: trying to get this thing done for my mum's funeral,
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: and their Facebook chat popped up on the screen. And
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: I am not proud of it. I'd never been the
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: type of person to want to snoop into a phone
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: or to ask a guy to show me his phone
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: or be that way, but I just had this feeling.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: I just immediately was like, you know, I'm gonna do
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: it because and I did it, and I'm not I
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: am not that person, but I'm so glad I did
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: because it was the moment I saw what they were
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: talking about. I never felt less crazy. They were calling
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: me crazy Amanda every time, and they were talking about
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: how crazy Amanda that morning did this, and crazy Amanda
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: that morning did that, And the mornings that I was
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: going off to the hospice and doing things like that,
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: they were calling me crazy all the time and about
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: how I would overreact, and you know, they would do
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: things like they'd make plans to go and go to
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: places and then they wouldn't tell me, and then I
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: would feel left out, so I'd ask them like why
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: and I'm not invited? And it was crazy. Amanda attacked
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: me today about this. They were just bonding so hard
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: about me being the worst person in the world, and
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: he was creating situations that made me look like the
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: worst person in the world, and I was buying into
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: them every time. And the horror movie thing, I realized,
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: was another one of those where I was confused because
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what I'd done wrong, but he was
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: just making it seem like his life was so awful
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: having to deal with me, and she would say, I'm
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: so sorry you have to deal with her. In the conversation.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: I was very, very very hurt, but that wasn't all.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: I saw that they were sexting each other on the chats.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: I didn't read the sex specifically, but I didn't really
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: want to know the details, but I did see that
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: it was sexual. But I mostly also just saw them
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: planning to lie about it. So the messages that I
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: saw were the two of them sort of just openly
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: saying that they can't tell me and they don't want
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: to tell me, and you know, just keep just keep
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: lying to where it's okay, you know that sort of
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: those sort of messages, and I just I knew, you know,
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: I did see him say something to her about keeping
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: it secret, and she's saying something back about calling him
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: sir and he doesn't want to. They had set up
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: this dynamic which was just and honestly, it felt like
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: they set up a dynamic which was me when I
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: was seventeen meeting him, and I kind of just knew
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: what was happening because I'd lived it before. So they
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: did come home and I actually, quite calmly just sort
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: of said are you two hooking up into the room,
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: and he was like no, no, no, no, no, no no, And then
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: she wouldn't look at me, and she was putting the
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: shopping away, and you could tell she was very stressed
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: and a little like sort of waiting to know what
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: to say. And he looked me down in the eye
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: and he kind of looked at me and he was like,
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: what have you done? I remember he was leaning on
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: the kitchen bench and I watched his eyes like change
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: into this fight mode a little bit, and then she said, well,
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: why is it your business? I felt angry, and I
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: felt sad, incredibly sad, but it was actually more energy
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: than I had had in a long time. I was
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: still grieving and I was still extremely heartbroken about my mum,
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: but it was this clarity that I finally needed. I
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: felt like something just changed in my body a little bit.
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: But I you know, I went from having massive cries
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: and massive just what is going on? Because I just
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: lost someone and I was losing other people. And then
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: I went from just being so rage driven adrenaline running
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: around and like wanting to know answers. And I left
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: and I went to my friend's house and well, actually
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: she picked me up and we drove around and we
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: talked and I just told her everything and she was
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: just like, what is going on? And I called my
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: ex housemates on a grip chat and I actually remember
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: saying to them, I need you to tell me if
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: I'm crazy, and they're like, what do you mean? And
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: I was like, I'm feeling like this was really bad,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: but am I overreacting? And they're just like, no, you're
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: not overreacting. And I needed someone to tell me that
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: before I could, you know, figure that out. And I
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: needed my best friend to tell me that. So I
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: called her and she was like, I hate this guy,
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: you know. She was so done, and she was just like,
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: this is what keeps happening. And the fact that you're
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: even having to ask people if your reaction is too much,
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: because I was in a house with people who were
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: telling me it was too much, like what have you done?
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: Like why are you even thinking that this is bad behavior?
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: And so to the point where I didn't know what
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: I was supposed to feel anymore. And I stayed at
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: my sister's house for a couple of days and tried
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: to stay away, tried to plan the funeral, do all
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: the things we were doing, and they kind of did nothing.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: We didn't really interact. I just kind of went, I
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: have to do what I have to do, right now
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: and I can't focus on this. The next day is
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: a kind of a blur, to be honest. I stayed
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: at my sister's house. I hid, I planned a funeral,
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: which was awful. The day of the funeral, I was
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: just kind of I was at home. I just remember
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: being alone. Mostly they were just very much just with
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: each other. They were just kind of only focusing on
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: each other. She was really focusing on him, And I
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: remember the morning of I was getting ready and doing stuff,
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: and I was like, I just feel very alone in
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: this day, like no one's gone. Today is the day
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: of your mother's funeral. Do you want a cup of tea? Like?
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: I just did all these things alone. But I just
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: did them. And I had my sister and my best
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: friend flew in from New York, which was beautiful, and
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: I was very lucky to have a very great group
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: of friends around me who had had for years, and
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: they just bolstered me up. But three days after the funeral,
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: we got through the funeral, he did come. I did
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: actually ask him to come. I remember messaging him and
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: just being like, look, I just don't know how to
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: do it without you. Can you just turn up? He came.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: He sat on the other side of the room to
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: my friends and we hiled goodbye, and that was the
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: last time we hugged ever since. But and his brother
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: came and you know, it was it was almost like pause,
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: just pause for that day. I spent the next three
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: days just doing things. People were really kind to us,
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: and like, spent time with friends and just tried to
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: calm down. I remember messaging them three days after the
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: funeral and I said to them, I'm coming home. I
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: know we have stuff to talk about and sort out
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: and figure out. I have to start work tomorrow. I'm
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: doing my best. Just leave me alone, Please, just leave
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: me alone. My sister took me home. She took me
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: upstairs to my room, and I just I was sort
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: of like, I'm just gonna have a shower. I'm just
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: gonna just chill into the day and try and regroup
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: for tomorrow. Maybe wash my hair, you know, the small
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: things you can do when you're green. And it's an
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: awful time. And so I told her to leave. The
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: second she was at the door. They appeared at my
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: door holding a phone and they're like, I know you
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: didn't want to be doing anything today, so you don't
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: have to we don't have to have a conversation, but
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: just so you know, we're going to send this message.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: And then they pressed send at the door, and my
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: phone buzzed and they started a new chat with all
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: my friends and me in it. The first sentence of
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: the chat was, it's been four days, so now you
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: know it's been a respectful amount of time, so now
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: we can do this. Basically, he's telling their side of
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: the story, which was basically a huge, long punch of
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: paragraphs about how awful I was. And he started to
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: talk about how when he hooked up with my friend,
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: I tried to control him. He's had to deal with
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: me for years. It was this just paragraphs long. It
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: was ranting message about like our entire history of everything
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: that was bad, about how he'd had to put up
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: with me for years, everything I'd ever said about anyone
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: in the Green that was negative anyway. He just defamed
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: so hard. And the worst bit is that my cousin
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: pressed send straight after him and sent a message in
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: the chat with all my friends in it, saying her
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: side of the story, which is apparently that I never
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: made her feel welcome and I never wanted her there,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: and I never wanted it, Like I was never a
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: nice person to her, and I never wanted them to
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: be together. And I was always this and that, them
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: backpedaling basically, and to try and just take all the
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: blame off them, to try and justify everything they'd been doing,
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: to try to make me out to be the crazy
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: one in the situation. I think for him it was
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: a desperate attempt to salvage his friendships, because at that
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: point a lot of my friends decided to see what
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: was going on and were feeling quite done with it too,
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: and they had seen me be really hurt by him.
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: The message also hadn't it this is our home, so
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: if you would like to come and see Amanda, you
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: need to ask permission before entering the house. So at
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: that point I went, I'm now being isolated away from
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: my friends because they have to ask permission to even
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: spend time with me. My friends, bless them, They just
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: responded with, look, this is a trying time. We're trying
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: to help her through this. This doesn't seem like our problem,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: and they all just left the chat. So I called
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: my sister. She came straight back and we sat around
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: the dining room table and I begged him to leave.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: I remember I was looking at him to take in
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: the eye, and I was like, you just need to
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: move out. I'm just I'm so done. Can you please
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: just leave? Like the house we were in I had
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: lived in for years before he moved in with the boys.
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: It was my place more than theirs, and I just
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: sort of went, I will pay what I need to pay,
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: I will do what I have to do. Please just leave.
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: I'm just so done. And he smiled at me across
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: the table and he looked at me in this way
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: of just like pity, I guess, or this way of
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: just like I don't know. It's like he was not
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: the same person is then that I can describe it.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: His eyes were different, all the softness was gone. He
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: just sat there and he didn't really react. He just
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: kind of smiled. And my sister did actually say to him,
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: you are a cancer in my sister's life, which is
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: a huge thing to say after your mother's just passed
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: away from cancer. And my cousin was there, she was
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: in the kitchen, she was watching. We did say to
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: her a couple of times like do you see this,
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: Like do you see what's happening? And she a couple
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: of times said, I don't see a problem, and she
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: a couple of times said. I did say to her,
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: she doesn't have to leave, and she said, if he leaves,
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: I have to leave. And I said to her, I
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: have been you, I have been you, and it ends
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: in this awful way because he discards you, and you're
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: watching that happen right now, and she just couldn't see it.
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: She just couldn't see it. So I ended up having
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: to just sort of say fine, go to the both
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: of them, and she was quite angry, and the next
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks was trying to figure out the logistics
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: of getting them out. I felt very done. I felt
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: pretty empty, to be honest, Like it was very hurtful
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: and it was very was also not surprising. I think
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: I knew him so well at that point that him
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: doing that to me was just like, oh, yep, this
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: is exactly what he would do situation. But it also
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: was my best friend in life just absolutely disgarding me,
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: and it was brutal and it was I cried, and
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: I just I didn't know how to take the amount
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: of grief I think I was feeling the couple of
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: weeks it took to settle things down. I feel like
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: I was just running straight on adrenaline. I was so
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: heavily grieving both my mother and just even just in shock.
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: I think about my mother's death and how fast it
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: was and the trauma of it all, and dealing with that,
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: and then dealing with my sister who had to go
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: back to where she was and trying to deal with that,
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: and then dealing with his home life, which was just awful.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: I was mostly sad. I just cried and cried and cried.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: And there was one night I came home and he
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: was spending time with my family and I was not
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: welcome to join, and then my family members were there
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: and I just kind of lost it that night. I
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: remember sobbing in my room, like just sobbing and sobbing
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: and sobbing, and he texted me and he said, can
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: you please be quiet? And then I just stopped crying,
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: like something just I just sort of went, what the
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: hell are you crying for over this guy who doesn't
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: care about you? And I don't know what it was,
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: something just I just stopped crying and then I just
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: went into Okay, we're done. I don't know what changed
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: it was just hidden texting with zero care whatsoever. I
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: think I kept thinking if I was if I showed
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: how sad I was, or if I showed stuff, he
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: would crack and go back into that guy he was.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: But it was gone. It was completely gone. This person
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: that had been my constant companion basically for twelve years
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: and my best friend and my safe place was gone.
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: And I didn't quite know how to function without him,
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: or how to be an adult, or how to how
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: to think without him, or how to to trust the
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: world without him. Eventually, when they did move out, I
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: was in this big house by myself, and I was
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: happy to be there by myself, to be I'm not happy,
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: but I was relieved to be by myself because for
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: the first time in a long time, I was like
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: very trusting of my own thoughts, and I didn't realize
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: how much I had been just slowly messed with across
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: like years and months at that point and just hard
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: gas lit to be honest, and like it was a relief,
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: and I threw myself into work, and I threw myself
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: into building a life for myself again and just trying
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: to process everything that had happened, and so it was
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: an awful time, but it was this, it sounds strange,
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: almost a relief. So since all of that went down,
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: I've really thrown myself into work. I've been trying to
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: process grief a lot, which has been really hard. I'm
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: still trying to that. I met a guy at work
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: who has been lovely, but again, he was extremely unemotionally unavailable.
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: I realized that it was the love I was used to.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: It was someone so unavailable and me having to like
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: prove they should pick me. So I very quickly went, oh,
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: hold on, no, no, no. But it was actually also
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: quite nice to be with someone who really wanted me back.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: So it was it was a learning opportunity. But life
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: since then has been it's been pretty good. I've been trying.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: I've been working really hard. I've been doing a lot
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: of things, a lot of grief, a lot of trying
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: to manage the hardest part, which is that he is
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: still with my family. So my sister and I spent
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: Christians for the first time member without our family. We've
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: spent it with other family, but it was the first
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: time without them. But yeah, so he's still infected the
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: little bits in things, but I don't talk to him
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: or go anywhere near human. I would love to talk
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: to my cousin again, but while she's talking to him,
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: I can't go anywhere ney that because it's just too much.
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: But I think I see it a little bit as
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: two people who or at least maybe from her. I
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: don't know her perspective, but it's someone who maybe has
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: not done the right thing and doesn't want to face it,
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: and so she's in a bit of a situation. But yeah,
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: he's still very much. He's in my family, which is
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: a bit gross. So I'm trying to stay away from that.
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: But for me personally, I'm a lot better without him
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: and even grieving even when horrible things happen. I've had
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: to move house, I've had to do like big things.
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: I have never wanted him back in any way, Like
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: there's no part of me that missus. I miss my friend,
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: I miss you know, the person who used to spend
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: a lot of time with. But I don't want that
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: back ever again, because I'm just I'm over it. I'm
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: just over being confused all the time and told I'm
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: not good enough all the time and that sort of thing.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: So we're in a journey. We're in a healing journey,
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: is how I would put it. Now. The future is
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: a lot of healing and a lot of slowing down
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: and a lot of taking care of myself. But I
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: want to keep working and I want to eventually find
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: a good relationship, and I would love to be with
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: someone who is completely opposite. I want to be in
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: a really great thing and I want to feel very
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: safe in something, but I want to feel like myself
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: in something. For him, I don't really wish anything for him.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: For her, it's very different. I don't want her to
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: go through what I've been through, and I just have
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: this feeling it's going to happen because it's a pattern,
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: and I'm watching her just be like, this is my
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: guy now, and it's just not She can't see it.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: I could see it because i'd been there and I
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: had been her. I want her to be happy and
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: I want her to be back in my life, I think.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: But it's just it's just I can't force something to happen.
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: I have to just sit back and watch and just
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: tell my story and hope that it works out. But
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: so if they ever are not together, I will happily
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: see my cousin again, but I don't want anything to
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: do with him, and if they do choose to be together,
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: then I hope that he changes his ways and makes
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: her very happy. Right now, my focus is on my
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: personal healing and trying to grieve and trying to process
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: what happened to my mother and focus on myself as
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: much as I can.
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is a Minti Media production and
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: If you like We've heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe,
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  Speaker 1: writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: also follow us on Instagram that Everyone Has an X
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: and if you have a story you'd like to share,
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: you can contact us that Everyone Has an EX at
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  Speaker 1: mintimedia dot com dot you or submissions at mamamea dot
• 48:21
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