Latest / Truth Talks with Kelly Mason / I Almost Lost Everything: A Mother’s Truth About Opioid Addiction | A Conversation with Jessica Summers

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I Almost Lost Everything: A Mother’s Truth About Opioid Addiction | A Conversation with Jessica Summers · Truth Talks with Kelly Mason

• 0:00
  Jessica, tell us about how you came into this awareness to be
• 0:04
  in your spiritual awakening. I was Once Upon a time, I was
• 0:08
  married with children and I was a fashion designer and I owned
• 0:12
  and operated A boutique. And after my second pregnancy,
• 0:16
  one infection after another, they had left some placenta
• 0:19
  behind. And you, you go to the doctor to
• 0:24
  get the answers. It was ruptured ovarian cysts,
• 0:28
  which I hadn't had before, a hiatal hernia.
• 0:31
  I had been diagnosed with so many things and I thought it was
• 0:35
  doing the right thing. Like I said, will you go to the
• 0:37
  doctor if you have a problem and, or a physical health
• 0:41
  problem? And so I was doing that.
• 0:43
  And along that journey, it was one medication after another
• 0:48
  medication side effects to the medication.
• 0:52
  So you would get some more and I would end up getting addicted to
• 0:56
  my doctor prescribed pain pills, would go to St. drugs.
• 1:01
  And this is not just days, it's weeks turn into months turned
• 1:06
  into years because I have it all.
• 1:12
  What are you complaining about? If something's wrong, go to the
• 1:17
  doctor. But I'm in this, Luke, I did not
• 1:21
  see or understand how unaware I was or how unaware others were
• 1:28
  that no matter what you're saying, even though I was
• 1:31
  begging, please somebody hear me, I'm begging for my life.
• 1:37
  But that learned program of going to the doctor, I had even
• 1:42
  said to family and friends, like, please hear me.
• 1:46
  Like I feel worse. Like I don't even know what side
• 1:50
  effect is from what. And it was a common response to
• 1:54
  say just because there's a potential of a side effect
• 1:58
  doesn't mean you're going to have one.
• 2:00
  I understand that. But I'm telling you, this is
• 2:04
  what I am experiencing and all of these medications are making
• 2:10
  it worse. So interesting.
• 2:13
  Just the full pharmaceutical loop, right?
• 2:16
  Truly brainwashing that happens with certain demographics.
• 2:23
  I have a friend who just is so dependent on Kaiser.
• 2:28
  Kaiser is his savior and he has been on blood thinners and he's
• 2:33
  like on 3 or 4 medications. And I said, what are your side
• 2:37
  effects? And he said, Oh, I guess I
• 2:39
  bruise easily and I guess I don't sleep well.
• 2:42
  And I guess this and I guess that.
• 2:44
  And I said, that's your body calling out and it's, it needs
• 2:49
  help. So pay attention.
• 2:52
  There are alternatives. So it's crazy.
• 2:55
  So you were in that loop, you were in this pharmaceutical
• 2:58
  loop. And it's just an ignorance,
• 3:00
  right? It's, it's a conditioning and it
• 3:03
  is, but due to collective conditioning too, because like
• 3:07
  you said, there's so many people in this.
• 3:09
  So since we're all connected to each other, when so many people
• 3:13
  are thinking they have to go to the doctor, they have to be on
• 3:16
  medication to get better. There's no other way then it's
• 3:20
  that trap. So that's crazy.
• 3:22
  Thank you for sharing that. So what happened?
• 3:24
  How did you start to get out of that trap?
• 3:27
  It definitely it got worse before it got better because of
• 3:31
  now the the label, right? Even though I was the one who
• 3:35
  went to my now ex-husband and to my doctor.
• 3:39
  I said, OK, you guys hear me out.
• 3:42
  This is how I'm feeling. I also feel like I'm taking too
• 3:46
  much pain meds when I don't need it.
• 3:49
  I don't take it and then the pain is overwhelming and I can't
• 3:54
  catch up to it. So I'm taking more.
• 3:58
  Oh yeah, very matter of fact. Oh, yeah, You're habituated.
• 4:03
  So that's just a nice way of saying you're addicted to drugs,
• 4:06
  right? So now I have this label.
• 4:09
  So I'm a complainer. I'm a drug addict.
• 4:13
  I have everything. What's your problem?
• 4:17
  Get it together. So I'm starting to slowly but
• 4:20
  surely shrink, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
• 4:27
  What kind of person does this? Why would I do this?
• 4:34
  And I'm so unaware. And I got to the point to where
• 4:39
  to wake myself up to get out of bed, I would call myself the
• 4:43
  most vulgar of names just to rally myself up.
• 4:50
  So you can only do that for so long, right?
• 4:53
  So to Fast forward, I told family and friends, that's it.
• 4:59
  Nobody's hearing me. I'm going to stop taking all the
• 5:01
  medication, which I did, which was a horrible decision, but
• 5:06
  this is where I'm at and I'm also addicted, so I am losing
• 5:13
  it. I go from the doctor prescribed
• 5:17
  to St. drugs and I make it honestly, I make it OK at first
• 5:23
  because I no longer going in one doctor's office to another
• 5:27
  specialist, to the pharmacy to this, to that.
• 5:30
  It's not my life. I only have to do a little bit
• 5:33
  and I can function, I can show up.
• 5:36
  And then of course I'm asking myself like really, you're going
• 5:42
  to make this OK, Who are you? So I would let.
• 5:47
  Me ask you what type of St. drugs did you start?
• 5:51
  Using Really. Yeah.
• 5:54
  Tell us what everything is so we can get it.
• 5:56
  I'm a junkie, I'm a heroin addict.
• 5:57
  And then would go to mess. And so, yeah, opioids, Dr.
• 6:04
  prescribed. If heroin addicts run out,
• 6:07
  that's what they use. And vice versa.
• 6:10
  They sit on the same brain receptors.
• 6:12
  They're the same thing. And when you're a drug addict,
• 6:15
  you're not in a place to say, oh, I'll do that, but not that.
• 6:20
  So I am sick. I don't care.
• 6:23
  And when you find yourself in that position, who, who, who,
• 6:29
  the way I spoke to myself, I already told you just gets
• 6:32
  worse. I don't even think I matter.
• 6:35
  I don't think I deserve to be alive anymore because it's
• 6:39
  you're in it all of a sudden. And when you get a flash of it,
• 6:45
  how in the world I didn't like myself before and now I'm here.
• 6:52
  Where did you, so just to give us like a picture of this, So
• 6:56
  you went to St. Drugs, What does that mean?
• 6:58
  So did you go and look for dealers on the street and then
• 7:02
  stay there and use like how bad was it?
• 7:05
  Because there could be some listeners out there that are
• 7:07
  struggling with this and might be in that exact same scenario.
• 7:11
  And you can let us know how you got out of that.
• 7:14
  So what did it look like? So I would go out at night and I
• 7:19
  was going out to bars. And I really at that time, I'm
• 7:22
  just a pathetic human being. I'm telling my sob story like,
• 7:26
  please, somebody hear me because my family and friends don't want
• 7:30
  to hear me complaining anymore. And that's how it's starting.
• 7:34
  I'm just blurting it out to who? Who's going to listen to me?
• 7:38
  And then we end up at a party and people are just doing drugs,
• 7:41
  just openly doing drugs. And I know now in retrospect,
• 7:47
  they're hearing me. They're like, oh, yeah, this is
• 7:50
  what you need because I don't care what you say about your
• 7:53
  It's only the doctor prescribed. You're an addict.
• 7:56
  An opioid is an opioid, and that's it.
• 7:59
  Yeah, it was just like that. And in that moment I thought,
• 8:06
  I've been saved, I've been saved.
• 8:11
  Because you're with people, you they see your vulnerability,
• 8:14
  they see where they can bring you in to whatever suffering
• 8:20
  they're going through with the partying suffering.
• 8:22
  I guess it is. But then, yeah.
• 8:24
  OK, So tell us more about how your mindset worked around that.
• 8:30
  Yeah, so that's exactly how I felt.
• 8:33
  I didn't have to show up in any kind of way other than I was
• 8:40
  just like everybody else, right? So I didn't have to try to
• 8:46
  explain myself anymore. I was trying to explain myself
• 8:49
  when I didn't even know myself, how I had gotten there.
• 8:54
  I didn't understand my own feelings.
• 8:59
  I didn't understand that I didn't understand.
• 9:01
  And that's a horrifying place to be because it turns into
• 9:05
  spiritual warfare. It is the darkest.
• 9:11
  I didn't even have the words for it.
• 9:16
  But I'm running and I have nowhere to hide and I'm trying
• 9:19
  to run for myself. And how long did this go on for?
• 9:24
  I would say maybe in the beginning, maybe eight months to
• 9:30
  a year, I had tried to get help, but every time I go to get help,
• 9:35
  I get put back on the same medication that I had stopped
• 9:38
  taking previously. Then I have reactions and I go
• 9:42
  back into the hospital for the reaction.
• 9:45
  So I'm trapped and I'll give you a perfect example of this.
• 9:49
  And This is why I know that I self induced because I kept
• 9:53
  trying to do these things on my own and I'm getting nowhere.
• 9:59
  The harder I tried, the worse I fail.
• 10:04
  I had done enough drugs because I had this routine where I would
• 10:11
  have enough throughout the day, enough for the following
• 10:14
  morning. And then I would go to the
• 10:16
  dealer when everybody went off to school and my husband went to
• 10:19
  work. And I had this routine because I
• 10:21
  didn't have to do a lot. I just had to do enough to
• 10:25
  function. So I'm not paying attention.
• 10:31
  I cook it all up and I'm bawling and I'm praying and I'm begging.
• 10:38
  I said, God, why would you want me to suffer so bad?
• 10:43
  I don't understand. I don't understand.
• 10:46
  And at the same time, it's like simultaneously I did it all and
• 10:51
  it should have killed me. I did enough to kill me and.
• 10:58
  This was in your home, this is in the kitchen when the kids,
• 11:00
  everyone's left, this is where this was.
• 11:03
  This is at the drug dealer's house and I'm in the kitchen by
• 11:08
  myself. There's other stuff going on in
• 11:10
  other parts of the house, and I'm just in the kitchen by
• 11:12
  myself and this warmth, this feeling, this knowing and a
• 11:21
  vision and flash and understanding and an
• 11:25
  interconnectedness and it all, everything.
• 11:32
  And I knew was going to be OK. And I got up and I walked out.
• 11:38
  Wow. No way that I've gotten up and I
• 11:43
  got up and I walked out. That is incredible.
• 11:47
  That is so incredible. OK, wow.
• 11:51
  And so there you go. It doesn't even matter how high
• 11:54
  you were. It doesn't matter how close to
• 11:57
  death you were. You prayed in your darkest hour
• 12:01
  and you said, God, I need your help, please.
• 12:05
  And where you go. There I go and that was the
• 12:10
  beginning of the journey that I had no clue what was ahead of
• 12:16
  me. If I would have had any idea, I
• 12:20
  don't think I would have been able to do it because I was
• 12:23
  going to get the biggest ass kicking of my life repeatedly
• 12:31
  because I had an this is So I go home and this is in a matter of
• 12:38
  a couple like a couple of days. I continue to just pile on the
• 12:45
  drugs because I had heard about a a 72 hour hold in a mental
• 12:51
  institution and in my rational mind, huh, isn't that where the
• 12:55
  monster needs to be under lock and key right to be supervised
• 12:59
  24/7? So I'm actually who I actually
• 13:10
  at that time. I hadn't done this before.
• 13:13
  I had not done this before. And I started using meth
• 13:20
  intravenously because that's the story that I had heard.
• 13:24
  If you do enough of that's what's going to get you to break
• 13:26
  down, to go in. And I was, it's different than
• 13:30
  heroin. You have to, I'm hoping this is
• 13:33
  not too much, but you have to hit a vein.
• 13:36
  And I'm begging God to help me hit a vein because I need, I
• 13:43
  need to have this breakdown. I need to go in there because
• 13:48
  nobody, I don't know what else to do.
• 13:52
  So I, as I'm doing that one night, I, I go into my youngest
• 13:56
  daughter's room, I pick her up, I bring her into bed.
• 14:00
  I go into my oldest, pick her up, put her in the bed.
• 14:02
  And so my now ex-husband and the girls, they're facing me and
• 14:07
  I'm, I lay awake all night bawling because I know that I
• 14:13
  have to tell myself, I know something has to give.
• 14:16
  Something has to happen. And I'm looking at the three of
• 14:20
  them and I know my life and theirs are it's over.
• 14:25
  It's over. And my husband wakes up in the
• 14:32
  morning and he looks at me like, and he looks at the girls and
• 14:36
  he's what are you doing? And he's frustrated and he says,
• 14:42
  I need you ready. We're going to the Kings game
• 14:45
  tonight. Be ready.
• 14:48
  It hurts to breathe. I'm getting ready to have a
• 14:52
  breakdown and I know it. I am being I'm under spiritual
• 14:58
  attack. You don't you, I don't even know
• 15:03
  how to. You can't explain it.
• 15:05
  And of course, nobody can see that.
• 15:08
  And so I'm holding on. This can't happen in front of
• 15:11
  the girls. How do I do this?
• 15:14
  The girls leave. Them So before I just want to
• 15:17
  ask real fast. So when you say you're say
• 15:19
  you're on under spiritual attack, what does that mean
• 15:23
  exactly? Is that something that is
• 15:25
  happening in your body? Is it in your mind?
• 15:28
  What does that mean? Spiritual attack?
• 15:30
  It is. It is a physical, mental,
• 15:33
  emotional, just spiritual. It's coming at you.
• 15:37
  You feel the darkness, the talk that what is being said to you
• 15:44
  is I, I don't have the words for it, really.
• 15:46
  OK. It's horrifying.
• 15:49
  Right. You're not worth it.
• 15:51
  You're not going to make it and your worst nightmare is
• 15:54
  happening right now and it's going to happen in front of your
• 15:56
  children and you're a piece of garbage.
• 15:58
  And it's I can't even say some of the like bulbar.
• 16:02
  Got it. Yeah, I understand.
• 16:04
  When we do drugs, alcohol, anything that will crack our
• 16:09
  aura, that will. This is an opportunity for these
• 16:12
  dark energies, these dark entities to enter the system.
• 16:17
  I've done so many healings or I've had to pull these energies,
• 16:21
  entities off of people out of them because they have been
• 16:25
  users, they've been addicts. And they find, they Burrow the
• 16:29
  entities. They Burrow right in there.
• 16:30
  And they actually will hold on to your main core lifeline, like
• 16:35
  they will wrap around that Vaga nerve or the heart center.
• 16:39
  And when they're being called out, it's very difficult for
• 16:43
  them to leave because they don't want to.
• 16:47
  It's just a place where they can hide and be in their misery.
• 16:52
  And your host, your that vessel, that host to keep them in that
• 16:57
  space. And so that's basically what was
• 17:02
  happening. So it wasn't even you.
• 17:04
  It's not really Jessica saying all these things.
• 17:08
  There's actually these dark energies, these dark entities.
• 17:11
  That's crazy. So now and one more question
• 17:13
  before you continue, Did your husband have any idea?
• 17:16
  Did he see any signs you hit it that well?
• 17:20
  Wow. Yeah.
• 17:23
  Crazy. Yeah.
• 17:25
  I'm sorry to hear that. That's just so hard and so sad
• 17:28
  that you are completely alone in your family.
• 17:31
  And if you're listening out there and you're in that
• 17:33
  situation, please keep listening because Jessica's going to
• 17:37
  continue to share her story and offer some help around that.
• 17:41
  So what happened next, Jess? He says be ready, we're going to
• 17:45
  the Kings game. So right before he left, I said
• 17:50
  I have to tell you something and it just came pouring out.
• 17:55
  What all I said I'm not even sure because it's coming at me.
• 18:00
  And so I can see his face, right?
• 18:02
  Like I don't. And I also know like I'm
• 18:07
  fighting for my life too. So I'm saying things like
• 18:10
  whatever needs to be said because if he thinks I'm getting
• 18:14
  up it to go to a game like I'm dying right now, I am dying.
• 18:20
  I'm dying. There's no other way around it.
• 18:23
  I can barely even breathe. Wow, wow.
• 18:28
  So they go and the next thing is my dad and my stepmom come over
• 18:36
  and the next couple of days is I'm going in because everybody's
• 18:42
  freaked out. They can't even believe it.
• 18:46
  And now I I feel even worse. Like I'm just so heartbroken
• 18:50
  that I have hurt so many people when I'm fighting for my life
• 18:58
  and we end up at 1 hospital and my dad is there and I'm
• 19:04
  slipping. I'm slipping and I know I'm
• 19:07
  getting ready to have AI know I'm getting ready to have a
• 19:10
  psychotic break. I know it.
• 19:14
  And I said some really ugly stuff to my dad because I needed
• 19:16
  it. I needed to be alone.
• 19:19
  I had to get everybody out that And I told him if you don't get
• 19:23
  out of here, this is what I'm going to yell out.
• 19:25
  And he just looked at my face now.
• 19:28
  He just looked at me just stunned.
• 19:30
  And I said I just need you to go.
• 19:34
  And so with everybody left and the next thing I know, I'm being
• 19:39
  marched down this and I, I have no sense of time at all.
• 19:44
  I'm being marched down this long like corridor and each door is
• 19:49
  being unlocked and then locked like behind.
• 19:53
  And I'm looking around and we go into this.
• 19:55
  At the very last door, it opens up and there's a big like
• 20:00
  nurse's station and then there's a bunch of people sitting at
• 20:03
  different tables. And I look around and I, I made
• 20:07
  it. I made it.
• 20:08
  I'm in a mental institution. Oh, my gosh, that is insane.
• 20:16
  That's just So what a what a what a ride.
• 20:19
  OK Do you think did your step, did you find out how you got
• 20:23
  there and how you got that help in the end?
• 20:25
  What led to that? No.
• 20:28
  I think it was the break that I knew was coming.
• 20:32
  But then because my story is too much, so now I'm diagnosed
• 20:38
  bipolar and I'm medicated for it and I'm put back on all the
• 20:43
  medications that I had previously stopped taking.
• 20:47
  I'm begging, please, I'm not bipolar.
• 20:49
  If I was, that'd be great because I don't have an answer
• 20:52
  to some of what's going on. And every time I say please stop
• 20:57
  medicating me, I get a shot in my side for being non compliant.
• 21:01
  So I would go to bed in one room and I'd wake up in another with
• 21:04
  my side. Oh my God, what the hell
• 21:07
  happened last night with there's a time where these I'm standing
• 21:12
  up against this wall and I see these two guys and like these
• 21:15
  two bouncer guys and they're coming like straight my way.
• 21:18
  And I'm like, oh shit, wow. What?
• 21:22
  What's going? Oh my God, Oh my, they're here
• 21:24
  for me. And they grab me by my arms and
• 21:26
  pull me out. And my roommate at the time,
• 21:29
  she's like, just go, what did you do?
• 21:31
  And I said, I swear, I have no idea.
• 21:33
  I have no idea. I don't know what happened and I
• 21:36
  have no idea to this day. And they pulled me out of there.
• 21:40
  And the next thing I know, it's like a day or two later and I
• 21:44
  wake up in this little room by myself.
• 21:47
  It's just me and this little cot.
• 21:49
  And I had woken up. It's pitch black.
• 21:54
  And I'm trying to put my hand out in the dark under spiritual
• 22:02
  attack, terrified to put my hand out because I don't know what
• 22:07
  I'm going to touch. So this is 17 days of this.
• 22:12
  While I'm there, I'm walking around.
• 22:16
  I go. This is so weird.
• 22:19
  I thought I was a liar. I thought I made-up being sick
• 22:23
  so I could do drugs and I crashed down on the ground
• 22:29
  because I have a reaction to the medications.
• 22:32
  Just like before. An ambulance picks me up and I
• 22:35
  go to the emergency and they say oh this time it's either
• 22:39
  diverticulitis or colitis and they send me back with
• 22:44
  antibiotics and pain meds. Oh my gosh.
• 22:48
  And I said, does anybody see? This is what I've been saying?
• 22:53
  Does anybody hear me? I try to say I said I'm not
• 22:58
  bipolar even to my ex-husband. I said I'm not bipolar.
• 23:01
  He said you're either bipolar or you're a very bad person.
• 23:05
  Those are my 2 choices. So I would end up homeless and
• 23:12
  alone and addicted and had to start from there.
• 23:15
  And that's. OK, wait, I'm, we, I really
• 23:19
  appreciate you and I'm sorry that this has probably brought
• 23:22
  up a lot of stuff, but it's actually, I'm hoping we can be
• 23:26
  working through this with you, helping you.
• 23:29
  And before you tell us like what happened next and how you
• 23:33
  started to save yourself, do you know what the core wound is?
• 23:38
  Did you come to terms with that? So once I started slowly cutting
• 23:45
  myself off and said this doesn't make any sense, even though I
• 23:51
  originally thought that this is the story that got me here.
• 23:56
  I had to go on that journey to self, to back home because the
• 24:02
  underlying root causes needed to come out anyway.
• 24:09
  So if it wasn't that way, it was going to come out some way.
• 24:12
  You know, it was the years and I don't know too much about past
• 24:17
  life, but there was more to it than I had originally thought.
• 24:24
  That's generally what happens is you have to account for your
• 24:28
  past lives especially. We all do.
• 24:32
  Some of us. Some souls, more souls these
• 24:34
  days are coming in from never being on Earth, from only being
• 24:38
  from different planets, or even what I'm seeing is only being
• 24:41
  elements, like they are different elements from other
• 24:45
  planets. They've never had experience in
• 24:47
  the human body. So their energy, their soul
• 24:50
  energy goes into different specific elements.
• 24:53
  And a lot of the new souls that are coming in don't identify
• 24:57
  with gender. They call themselves them
• 24:59
  because they haven't had experience in their past lives
• 25:02
  with gender, so this is all new. And so they're just experiencing
• 25:07
  now what that is and whether that's the feminine or the
• 25:11
  masculine energy within or whether that's the physical
• 25:14
  makeup of the body of what their gender is.
• 25:17
  They are, Yeah. They're just learning about
• 25:19
  that. So for sure for you, I'm not
• 25:22
  going to tune into you right now because I just want to hear your
• 25:24
  story. But definitely this is with
• 25:28
  pretty much all the people that I work with that struggle with
• 25:32
  addiction, have past life recourse around that.
• 25:35
  Yeah. Yeah, but like I said originally
• 25:39
  it was I need to do the work for my for and on myself.
• 25:42
  But it was more the true traditional, my pushing down of
• 25:46
  just abandonment issues, sexual abuse, things of that nature.
• 25:50
  But then I had to start educating myself on because
• 25:54
  there was more to it. And I went and saw an energy
• 25:57
  energy healer who had really hit home because it made so much
• 26:01
  sense. And one of the things she had
• 26:03
  said was like that I was like fragments of self.
• 26:07
  And there was a lot of actually just things popping up that it
• 26:15
  made me understand that there was more to it.
• 26:16
  And that has been my journey that each step into the
• 26:23
  awareness of myself and like healing, growing, letting go of
• 26:27
  that the further along I step into the knowing more.
• 26:33
  And that kind of. And that's what like originally
• 26:36
  when I was going to say like this download of selling the
• 26:38
  house and moving, it was really strange in the sense that I'm
• 26:45
  ready for that next step. It was a, a new release into the
• 26:50
  to the new. And so this is where I am now.
• 26:53
  And the learning around that was my guilt and shame around being
• 27:01
  a mother and not being suitable as a mother and trying so hard
• 27:12
  to be what I thought a mother meant.
• 27:16
  That I was again, losing myself in who I meant to be, to lead by
• 27:23
  example for my children. Not in the traditional.
• 27:26
  Like, I don't even know what that even means.
• 27:29
  I was holding on to something that I didn't even have a
• 27:31
  definition to. Because you didn't know who you
• 27:36
  are and who you are being. This is something we teach in
• 27:39
  the activation program where we get to a point where we're tired
• 27:43
  of living by other people's constructs.
• 27:47
  And because other people's constructs are generally their
• 27:50
  wounds from their prior lives or their childhood, and also this
• 27:55
  collective, a lot of parents are still asleep around how to
• 27:59
  parent. And but truly, when we bring
• 28:03
  souls in through our bodies, these are souls that we are
• 28:08
  meant to guide and empower, and they're meant to guide and
• 28:12
  empower us. And so there isn't that
• 28:15
  dictatorship, there isn't that authoritarianism, there isn't
• 28:19
  that bullying. All of those things are just
• 28:23
  damaging to the child and to the soul.
• 28:27
  And so Jessica, you're probably trying to fulfill this picture,
• 28:31
  like you said, of this is how I'm supposed to parent, but I'm
• 28:34
  not connecting with it and I don't know who I am.
• 28:38
  So I'm going to find a way out somehow through these injuries,
• 28:43
  this drug use. Does that make sense?
• 28:47
  Yes, because I know like at the time in that I was very well
• 28:53
  aware that I wasn't showing up the way I needed to or that I
• 28:59
  wanted to. But there's also, my youngest
• 29:04
  was in treatment. She was the one they had to
• 29:11
  resuscitate her after they, they, they induced early.
• 29:15
  That's the whole thing with the pregnancy.
• 29:17
  So it's been also this journey that we've been on, but in
• 29:23
  separate places. So when I sold my house the next
• 29:28
  day, she jumped and ran from treatment and I jumped on a
• 29:35
  plane and went to Utah and picked her up and we went on a
• 29:37
  road trip together. And I know that now that whole
• 29:41
  selling of the house without a plan was everything that was
• 29:46
  meant to be for me to show up as a mother that I was, that I
• 29:50
  always was, because there was a time that it was everything was
• 29:56
  my fault. You did this when I could see.
• 30:00
  It's like this happened to us, to all of us.
• 30:03
  This isn't a singular, you know what I'm trying to say.
• 30:06
  For sure, Yeah. No, it's definitely, it's going
• 30:08
  to affect the whole family because also as mothers we're
• 30:12
  connected energetically to our children, so they feel
• 30:15
  everything. We think that if we just hide
• 30:18
  things or if we don't tell them, but we actually lie to them.
• 30:21
  Some people say, oh, it's just easier that they don't know the
• 30:23
  truth. They know we're lying.
• 30:25
  They know that there's something off.
• 30:28
  So that affects the trust that the child has in US and in
• 30:31
  themselves because they think, what's wrong with me?
• 30:34
  Why am I not being told the truth?
• 30:36
  It must be my fault. So they embody all of that.
• 30:40
  Yeah. So that's this is where we are
• 30:43
  now. Where we, the communication is,
• 30:49
  it doesn't matter how messy it is, it's OK.
• 30:53
  And I see it. This is the part now too.
• 30:55
  It's like the more forward I go on my journey, the more I see,
• 31:03
  the more I have so much awareness now that I did not
• 31:06
  have before. So I, the way she thinks, the
• 31:11
  way she shows up physically, mentally, emotionally, I see
• 31:15
  where it's coming from and I know why.
• 31:17
  And it's part heartbreaking part I have to allow her journey and
• 31:24
  wait to be asked. And so that is something that
• 31:28
  I'm having to learn as I go as well.
• 31:31
  But it's also, I'm being reinforced with it because I
• 31:34
  also see the change in parenting that way, that I'm not forcing
• 31:40
  myself to parent the way I had been told to before.
• 31:44
  So it's huge, It really is. I love it.
• 31:48
  That's so beautiful. Yes, I at this point, now that
• 31:51
  you're sober, you're clean, you're awakening, you can then
• 31:56
  pass on wisdom because when we pass the wisdom on to our
• 31:59
  children at just the right time in the right way, that is not
• 32:05
  condescending or not in a way that's going to hurt them.
• 32:08
  But, and we have to be very wise about it.
• 32:11
  Then they can take that piece of wisdom and really appreciate it
• 32:14
  and use it. Really the best type of
• 32:16
  parenting is through passing along wisdom and the most loving
• 32:22
  and non attached way. And when we say non attached,
• 32:25
  that just means that you're not attached to an outcome.
• 32:30
  You're just doing what you can do from your heart, from your
• 32:34
  soul, from that love. Yeah, yeah.
• 32:37
  That's amazing. OK, just to pick up a little bit
• 32:39
  of the Gray zone because some of our viewers and listeners might
• 32:42
  be wondering the little gap between the mental institution
• 32:47
  and the homelessness and how you you came to find your way back
• 32:52
  to sobriety and some of that support.
• 32:55
  So maybe if you could just cover that a little bit that.
• 32:57
  Sure. So what I really needed is, and
• 33:02
  This is why I kept falling through trying to do it on my
• 33:06
  own, trying to do it the way I've been was being told to do
• 33:10
  it. There was like a separation of
• 33:13
  things, meaning I needed to be handheld for the addiction part,
• 33:21
  the mental health part and the physical part.
• 33:25
  So this was another gift that I was given.
• 33:29
  I was homeless at the time and I did have my car to it.
• 33:34
  And I want to say that because I know like people living on the
• 33:37
  street, that is a whole different kind of homeless.
• 33:42
  So I'm either doing that or the places that I'm allowed to stay,
• 33:46
  they're drug addicts. They discharged you from the
• 33:49
  mental institute. Is that what happened?
• 33:52
  How did you leave there after everything?
• 33:55
  And still they're giving you painkillers and that's still
• 33:57
  going on. How did you make that
• 33:59
  transition? That is a good question.
• 34:01
  So it was 17 days later and my ex-husband had picked me up but
• 34:07
  three days later he gave me separation papers and I I didn't
• 34:13
  understand. The whole reason I did this
• 34:17
  logical thing is because I needed help and so to be given
• 34:22
  separation papers was I don't understand where or what I'm
• 34:27
  supposed to be doing. Initially I was still trying to
• 34:33
  and there's so many black holes, so many because it took me
• 34:38
  probably 3 or so years to start getting my memory back.
• 34:42
  I went from A to D and like B&C were missing for a while.
• 34:47
  And so you're not just in a state of mind of not
• 34:52
  understanding that you don't understand.
• 34:55
  And so you question yourself. So it's just a, it's a
• 34:58
  horrifying place to be either living in my car or staying on
• 35:03
  people's couches because I'm asking for help.
• 35:06
  And I'm also running away because I don't understand the
• 35:10
  separation papers. What does this mean?
• 35:13
  And I can't fully express myself or ask for help because look at
• 35:17
  what already has happened. So it's really sketchy.
• 35:21
  So like I said, another download and just a God sent it is a
• 35:27
  little piece of paper that I have in my pocket that I don't
• 35:30
  even remember putting there. And I bring it out and the only
• 35:33
  thing that's on there is a telephone number.
• 35:36
  It's just a little scrap piece of paper and I call it and it's
• 35:39
  for a dual diagnosis facility. So dual diagnosis, meaning it's
• 35:44
  for the mental health part and for addiction recovery.
• 35:48
  And this place also has they have a school like it's a whole
• 35:52
  just in depth program. Beautiful.
• 35:57
  Yeah, I called them and the guy definitely knew what he was
• 36:01
  doing. Because as an addict, right, I
• 36:04
  thought, I have to have this. There's so much shame and guilt
• 36:07
  in it. I think I have to have this
• 36:09
  perfectly laid out because I don't want to hurt anybody.
• 36:13
  I don't want to affect anybody. I don't want anything from
• 36:16
  anybody. And this is where I'm at now.
• 36:19
  I don't want to ask anybody for help.
• 36:21
  So he asked me enough questions for me to say, I think my
• 36:28
  stepbrother probably has enough extra miles so he doesn't have
• 36:33
  to pay for it. Maybe him.
• 36:35
  And then boom, bam, boom. The next day, my stepbrother's
• 36:39
  picking me up, taking me to the airport, and I go to a dual
• 36:43
  diagnosis. Beautiful, right?
• 36:46
  So I still have the labels of the bipolar, but I'm getting
• 36:51
  educated on the brain on addiction and addiction.
• 36:56
  I have like 24/7. I'm, I'm surrounded by it all.
• 37:01
  When I do have reactions to medication and I in the
• 37:05
  hospital, they would discharge me from the facility and then so
• 37:10
  I could be registered in the hospital, but they would also
• 37:13
  pick me up when I got out. That's where I kept falling
• 37:16
  through the loops. If you leave me to my own
• 37:19
  device, like I'm going to fall, yeah.
• 37:24
  OK, makes sense. So that was my saving grace,
• 37:29
  like having someone there to hold me accountable to, to have
• 37:34
  some people to know who to reach out to.
• 37:37
  There were times where I said, OK, this is too much.
• 37:42
  I cannot be in this recovery environment.
• 37:47
  It is too overwhelming. I'm going to lose it.
• 37:51
  Get Me Out of here. Take me to a mental institution,
• 37:54
  a place that I was terrified to go, but I had enough time under
• 37:59
  my belt to know that I don't want to go there.
• 38:03
  But this is the next best step for me in this situation.
• 38:08
  I started to get some healing, some knowledge, so even though I
• 38:12
  was afraid, I knew that's what I needed.
• 38:14
  And they picked me up and dropped me off.
• 38:17
  So you'd go to the mental institute and then so you'd
• 38:20
  worked your way up through the system this way.
• 38:22
  What was the name of the facility?
• 38:25
  The dual. It's his house, it's in Upland,
• 38:29
  they have a couple of different facilities.
• 38:31
  So it's his house and or I'm drawing a blank cuz there's a
• 38:34
  men's house which is the his house.
• 38:37
  And then the women's facility is new creations, New creations.
• 38:44
  Yeah, great. OK.
• 38:45
  So that's fantastic. In case anybody is wondering if
• 38:49
  if they could go there and get help as well.
• 38:53
  Yeah. Amazing.
• 38:54
  So how long have you been on this recovery?
• 38:56
  First of all, Jessica, thank you so much.
• 38:58
  This is so big share and so important for people to hear
• 39:03
  your story because people are hiding, right?
• 39:07
  They're hiding behind their own fears and shame and guilt.
• 39:12
  And when it comes down to it, this is all part of our journey.
• 39:16
  That's why we're here where there's no, there are no
• 39:18
  accidents. You were meant to do this.
• 39:20
  You were meant to be an addict. You were meant to have your
• 39:23
  marriage fail. So really I would say there's no
• 39:25
  failure. There's just redirection, right?
• 39:28
  And our souls do sign up for these things.
• 39:31
  I know I have people say, oh, I don't believe in that.
• 39:34
  But I've channelled thousands of healings over the last 20 years
• 39:38
  and I just can't. I'm just, that's what I
• 39:41
  received, that we are predestined and we have free
• 39:45
  will here to create. So we have a little bit of both.
• 39:50
  So if you feel like why is this happening?
• 39:52
  I can't get out of it. This is meant for you and it's
• 39:55
  meant to help you and you just need to keep going towards the
• 39:59
  light, going towards the healing and finding your way and praying
• 40:03
  and doing what you can to get well.
• 40:06
  Eventually it will happen. We come here to suffer.
• 40:10
  We come here to experience contrast.
• 40:13
  This is not an easy world. But it's a beautiful world.
• 40:16
  It's a beautiful world powered by love and beauty and support
• 40:22
  and kindness. And if we can move into those
• 40:25
  virtuous aspects rather than staying in the below the line,
• 40:30
  the right, the suffering. Yeah.
• 40:34
  And. I and I didn't even have any
• 40:37
  kind of understanding or awareness around any of what you
• 40:41
  just said. But I know that initial that
• 40:45
  just that knowing and that experience that I had was a
• 40:50
  remembrance, not a right. Because, and I see that now, the
• 40:54
  further removed I am from it, the more I heal, grow, let go
• 40:59
  and step into my future, the more understanding, more
• 41:02
  verbiage that I have that I didn't even know that I had.
• 41:05
  There's things that I know that I shouldn't know.
• 41:09
  That's like, where did that come from?
• 41:12
  And so you're. Remembering, yes, you are
• 41:14
  becoming a member again of those divine assets, those downloads,
• 41:20
  like you said, the vocabulary tapped into a download.
• 41:24
  They're tapped into a part of their brain can receive certain
• 41:28
  things. It's the same for all of us on
• 41:31
  all these different levels. But yes, it is about coming home
• 41:34
  because if we think about forgetting, we forget we get,
• 41:39
  we're trying to get, we're trying to get it.
• 41:41
  We're trying to get the drugs, we're trying to get the money,
• 41:43
  we're trying to get this or that.
• 41:45
  But we've separated ourselves from the love, from the creator
• 41:49
  and from who we are. When we remember, we can be in
• 41:53
  our peace, we can be in our presence, and we can remember
• 41:56
  that we're eternal. So there is there is no rush.
• 42:01
  What's the rush? We're here as souls moving
• 42:05
  through different bodies, different planets, different
• 42:07
  experiences, forever and in in infinite possibilities.
• 42:12
  So tell us where you're at now personally and what you're
• 42:16
  focusing on. Yeah, it's a my next step, the
• 42:21
  whole move picking up my daughter and right, because that
• 42:25
  was a big missing piece that I did not that I didn't see.
• 42:30
  I was very not stuck, but I thought, how should I even say
• 42:35
  this? There was different times where
• 42:38
  I was like I worked for the county and I worked at as peer
• 42:41
  support and then I helped with people in with addiction and it
• 42:44
  was always I was just one step ahead, right.
• 42:47
  And so there was always something to be learned.
• 42:51
  And then so I've been moving along.
• 42:54
  So I realized now that there is a another shift because I have
• 42:59
  that understanding about the mother daughter, the parenting
• 43:02
  that I didn't have before. That was the fear that I was
• 43:06
  still holding on to until this recent selling of the house.
• 43:11
  This is what's going on. And I didn't question.
• 43:14
  It was such a, it wasn't rational at all.
• 43:18
  And I went, OK, this is what we're doing.
• 43:21
  I love that because you listened, you felt that this was
• 43:24
  needed to be the next move. How did that message come to you
• 43:27
  that you should sell the house? What was what prompted that?
• 43:33
  I know that I was just, I was getting stuck in my business and
• 43:36
  my career. I can't even say that word
• 43:38
  Career, career, and I heard it like it's you're not getting
• 43:49
  stuck. You're just you're something's
• 43:51
  next. There is a shift in everything
• 43:54
  and then it was I started getting very aware that my
• 44:01
  morning, and I have to preface this too, like I could move for
• 44:04
  a while, like I got out of it, but my depression, PTSD, like so
• 44:09
  much stuff and still physically hide nothing left that starting
• 44:15
  the journey was OK, I'm just going to get out of bed and
• 44:19
  brush my teeth and then I'm going to go back to bed and then
• 44:23
  I'm going to get up and I'm going to walk to the corner.
• 44:27
  And so I just started doing that.
• 44:29
  And the more I started doing that, the more I started getting
• 44:33
  these like messages. I'm like, OK, this is the
• 44:37
  beginning of a creation of something that I meant to share
• 44:41
  later because I got into the groove of it and really it was
• 44:45
  my own little personal prayer, meditation, download exercise.
• 44:50
  Like it was all-encompassing. And I had this route.
• 44:54
  I have to tell you, this was amazing.
• 44:56
  This is the kind of stuff that would happen.
• 44:59
  So at the time, this is probably, I don't know, a year
• 45:05
  and a half ago, I'm on my regular route because there used
• 45:09
  to be a farm and they had moved, but there was still Peacocks and
• 45:12
  bunnies and like ducks and turkeys and stuff that would be
• 45:16
  walking around. So I'd go on these fabulous
• 45:18
  walks and there'd be these Peacocks.
• 45:20
  It was just, it was amazing. So I'm out on one of my walks
• 45:25
  and in my head I'm asking for some guidance around this
• 45:30
  potential keynote in Paris for International Women's Day.
• 45:35
  And is it my time? I didn't have the voice before.
• 45:38
  Is this my time? Now, the guy that I spoke to
• 45:41
  that the who's hosting this thing is a doctor in India.
• 45:46
  And I had just been on a call with him.
• 45:51
  And as I'm walking, I'm thinking about this.
• 45:54
  Give me a sign. And I'm walking down.
• 45:56
  And I don't usually pick up garbage out of the gutter, but
• 46:02
  it felt like somebody, like, pushed me down.
• 46:04
  And I just bent down. And it's like a little piece
• 46:08
  like this balled up. And I went and I opened it up,
• 46:13
  and it is an Indian Ruby. Like, yes, yeah.
• 46:18
  Yeah, so beautiful. So beautiful.
• 46:22
  Right. And I'm looking around, I'm
• 46:24
  like, am I being punk? What is happening?
• 46:26
  It was just, you know what I mean?
• 46:27
  I still have that. I have it in one of my bags and
• 46:29
  I look at that. It just lights me up.
• 46:32
  Because when you get out of your own way and you really are open
• 46:37
  and receptive, the signs, the miracles, like all of it, it's
• 46:42
  all there. And so anyway, I had to share
• 46:44
  them because fun and exciting. And we have to remember that
• 46:49
  even though we can't see them, our angels, our guides, are
• 46:52
  always with us. That was presence.
• 46:56
  I don't know who it was because I'm not tuning in right now.
• 46:58
  It could have been the divine Mary.
• 46:59
  It could have been an Archangel, who knows?
• 47:01
  But that was planned for you and every, all of us without
• 47:07
  exception, have that same gift, have a similar tribe.
• 47:11
  That's why I call my Academy Kula Paradise.
• 47:14
  Kula means tribe or family. And what that means is that we
• 47:19
  have this massive family that most of it we can't see because
• 47:25
  there are a lot of helpers with us.
• 47:27
  So if you're feeling alone, you're not if you're feeling
• 47:31
  like you're hitting a dead end, you're meant to, you're meant to
• 47:35
  feel the pain and you are going to find your way through and
• 47:40
  help is on the way. And Jessica, I'm just so
• 47:43
  grateful that you shared your story with us today.
• 47:46
  It's very profound. So happy for you that you're on
• 47:49
  this new journey now to more expansion and awakening.
• 47:55
  And you're a very important voice for many people that need
• 47:59
  to hear your story. So are you going to be going and
• 48:02
  speaking then? Is that what your next thing is
• 48:05
  going to be? Yeah, after that, I ended up
• 48:07
  going and I did a keynote in Paris on International Women's
• 48:11
  Day and it was, it was like full circle, right?
• 48:14
  It's not only am I being able to share my voice and people are
• 48:17
  listening and wanting to hear the message, like all of it, the
• 48:20
  good, the bad, the ugly. I was meant to be there and
• 48:23
  share that specifically for that day.
• 48:27
  And you're right. So that's part of the speaking,
• 48:31
  the coaching, just helping people to like narcissistic and
• 48:35
  abusive things, relationships, helping people along that and
• 48:39
  just recreating a new norm. Yeah, beautiful.
• 48:43
  That's why you're here. I want to recommend the
• 48:46
  activation program. This is at the Academy.
• 48:49
  It's an entry level, but it's a very powerful program where you
• 48:53
  go into practice, breath work, meditations, their guided
• 48:58
  meditations, lessons, live coaching, replays.
• 49:01
  We have everything for you to support you in next level up.
• 49:06
  This is the awakening level into the Super conscious and, and
• 49:11
  once you step into that, then you just keep moving up through
• 49:15
  your expansion and your ascension.
• 49:16
  And that's the same for all of us.
• 49:18
  And that's how the great masters did it.
• 49:20
  Jesus, Buddha, all of the great masters are no different than
• 49:23
  us. They've just had more levels of
• 49:26
  ascension and we're here as examples and wisdom teachers for
• 49:31
  us. Anyway, thank you again.
• 49:33
  I'm so happy that we had this time together.
• 49:36
  And please comment and share the story if somebody who's
• 49:40
  suffering and let us know what you thought of our podcast or
• 49:45
  our YouTube today. And I look forward to the next
• 49:49
  one. Thank you so much for having me.
• 49:52
  You're very welcome. And where can we find you,
• 49:54
  Jessica? Jessica-summers.com I'm on
• 49:58
  LinkedIn and Facebook and Instagram and.
• 50:01
  Perfect. OK, great.
• 50:04
  Bye everyone. Bye.