Latest / The Trauma Therapist / Episode 817: We Have A Responsibility with Doug Dane

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Episode 817: We Have A Responsibility with Doug Dane · The Trauma Therapist

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Trauma Therapist Podcast. Plus listeners can listen to episodes early and ad free right
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now. Become a Plus listener by going to Apple Podcasts searching for the Trauma
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Therapist Podcast and signing up today right Welcome back to the Trauma Theapist Podcast.
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My name is Gamiferson. My mission is to help Trauma therapist be their incredible
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selves, to be human, to be real, not just a clinician.
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I'm a big believer in who we are is more important than what we know,
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and this requires cultivating authenticity, genuineness, and vulnerability, and that requires
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intention. Can learn more about my courses and workshops by going to the Trauma
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Therapist project dot com. That's the Trauma Therapist Project dot com. Let's get
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started, all right. So five four, three, two and one,
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our folks, welcome back to the podcast. I am thrilled to have back.
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Doug Dane, Doug, welcome back. Hey, I'm happy to be
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back. Thank you. So. Doug is a survivor who has risen above
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a past filled with kidnapping, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and violence to
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experience a life of freedom, gratitude, thriving relationships, and abundance. Now
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acting as an international keynote speaker and mindset mentor. He's turned his personal experience
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into a deplicable system to help people discover their true identity and live a life
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free of guilt or shame. Outline extensively in his debut novel, Mistaken Identity,
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A Guide to letting go of a past that's holding you back. With
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his first hand experience in tow, he's on a mission to guide though struggling
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to overcome a troublesome past brighter future for themselves, to create a buyer right
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future for themselves, their families, and their world. Awesome, Doug.
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Before we can go again, remind our listeners where you're from originally and where
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you are currently. I'm I'm born and raised in a city just outside of
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Toronto, Ontario, Canna. Spent most of my life there, and now
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I divide my time. I'm in New York right now, I divide my
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time between Manhattan and in Toronto. So look, I'm going to say this
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upfront. I don't say this a lot, but it is kind of crazy
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to say this, but this book, in your interview change my life.
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I appreciate it. It sounds cliche to say it, and I'm not just
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saying it, but it did, and it has to do with the like
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this, the whole constellation of you and your presence and your message and your
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book. So before we can move on here, give those listeners who maybe
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haven't listened to the first episode, give us a thumbnail of who you are
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and what you're doing. Yeah, would you want to go at from the
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beginning where I am now, I'll go now I mean today. Obviously with
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the book, I spent a number of years assembling a process primarily for me
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here originally to finally let go of a terrible past and all the junk that
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goes along with it. I was on a pursuit to find a way to
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show others how they could let go of their past. Because I went public
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with my story in two thousand and one of the newspapers and on television,
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and that was a big release for sure, but there was still some things
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missing. I just there was how I felt about myself and still stories I
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was playing and people were coming to me because I was successful. On the
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outside, I looked successful. I was doing fairly well, and people would
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come to me with a similar story or just a regular story, but similar
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feelings of guilt, shame, resentment, anger, whatever, and they go,
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how did you do it? How did you let go of that story?
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Because it's a very dark, violent story, as you can just address
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from the intro or the bio. And I had blocked this story out up
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until I was forty years old, and the story was, you know,
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started adopted infants into a violent alcoholic home. Parents were violent towards each other,
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violent towards their children. Obviously struggled witnessing violence and experiencing emotional and physical
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trauma, left that literally by running away from home, and then get hooked
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up with a ring of pedophiles for two years, sexually get hues for two
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years. That ends in my kidnapping. And then I turned to you know,
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to coping drugs and alcohol abuse, and then just you know, self
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loathing and shame and guilt and and all these feelings for so long, and
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I didn't know why I felt that way until I was forty and I went
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for counseling because my marriage had failed where I had wrecked it, and then
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that started to the story came out, and then that explained a lot.
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So I'm just trying to show people how if you went through something like me,
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as extreme as me, or worse or lesser. You know, it's
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all relative, and you're still feeling these negative feelings towards your story, towards
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the people that hurt you, towards the mistakes that you made. You know,
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I want to show get to let all that go, because you can.
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People should not have to struggle with their past like they are. I
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think a common response to what you just said. I think a lot of
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people are listening to you and shaking their heads, going yeah, yeah,
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of course, I of course I hate the person who did this to me,
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or of course I feel a shame, and then to hear you say
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you can get over it, I think a lot of people how the hell
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do you get over How do you let go? What do you mean let
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go? Well, I was told, I told myself rather, I was
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told the same things, just let it go. One of the chapters in
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the book is called let it Go. And I was told by one of
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my mentors, just let it go, let it go, and I go,
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it's not that simple, because yes it is. You're making it complicated.
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I just I didn't know how to let it go. I didn't even
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understand the concept of what it would take to let it go. And for
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sure, when you're feeling the way I was feeling, or maybe the way
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you're feeling, it would be, it would appear very hard. A lot
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of work, a lot of pain, A lot of work, and a
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lot of pain came from me dragging it out for so long when I could
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let it go way sooner. All right, So let's talk about this.
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You know you said before we started recording that you wanted to share what this
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process of. Maybe people aren't aware of what. Yeah, well, there's
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a few things that I learned along the way. So like I have no
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education, I have no degrees, but I have a high degree of experience
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from what I endured and what I survived and what I now thrive in from
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where I came from. And there's a lot of things I just didn't know.
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Number one is I didn't really understand anything really about emotional well being right
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and I went down the traditional route counseling and therapy. I didn't get into
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pills or any of that stuff. I certainly struggled with, you know,
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booze and alcohol and coping mechanism earlier on. But I didn't really understand how
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my emotions and my subconscious mind actually work, and how it was actually what
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was ruling me and ruling my attitude towards me, towards my story and the
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other people, and directed my behavior. I also did not know that I
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knew nothing about I'd heard the term mindset. Really throws the word mindset around.
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Somebody has to me the other day they said they want to work on
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their mindset. I said, you don't have to work on your mindset.
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Your mind is actually perfect. What you need to work on is understanding how
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your mind works and use it properly. Well, I didn't know that either,
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that my mind directs my brain and nervous system. This morning, I
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was thinking of this interview. I was thinking, I would be so bold
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to say that I have the cure for anxiety and depression, because I did
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not know that my brain and nervous system was controlling all that my physical state.
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And I had no idea that my mind was directing my brain and my
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nervous system. And then I just I think our culture and our society and
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the whole road that we went down in psychology, you know, post war.
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I think it's just contributed more to our confusion now. Don't get me
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wrong, I went through counseling there. It was very effective and very useful,
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but we just we just kind of going down a path that we think
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this is the way to deal with our situation. And what I learned to
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do is I just look at my story with good. I look at there
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has to be good. Okay, there's something bad, there has to be
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good, and so I started to look at, okay, what is the
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good in the story. I also learned that what people do, you know
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their behaviors and how they treat people. Generally, it's learned I could have
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become an abuser. I could have become an alcoholic like my father. I
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did become a philander. So there was part of that conditioning I picked up
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that I had to rid myself of. But I just decided to change my
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view on the story because I realized the story what happened to me wasn't about
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me. That's when we get stuck. We think that it's something to do
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with us, and that's why we feel lousy about ourselves because of what happened
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to us. So I realized that didn't happen because of me. It could
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have happened to any boy. I mean, I got adopted as a baby.
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You could have landed in that family and you could be talking the way
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I'm talking right or gone through. I had gone through, and so I
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realized, Okay, it has nothing to do with me. So that was
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the first step and the second step. By doing that, I was able
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to not take it so personally and to be more objective about what happened like
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to me actually, And I carried a victim mentality for many years, but
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that the truth is, I'm not a victim, and I haven't been a
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victim in a long long time. Maybe maybe i'd say up till seventeen or
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eighteen, I mean fifteen, the sexual abuse ended, kidnapping, and then
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alcohol and drug abuse and people. Because I was naive and I was untrusting,
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I got in the business with a couple of people and got in a
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relations with a couple of people. They were just bad people. I made
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bad choices and I probably got victimized a little bit that way. But beyond
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that, from then on, when I was looking at my history, I
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go, I'm no longer victim. I'm alive. I'm here, I get
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up every day, I do good work, you know, I help people.
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I have a decent life, and I just changed my view on everything.
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And as soon as I change my view on it, then because your
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thoughts control your emotions, right, So if I changed my thinking, I
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don't like how I feel and I don't like what I'm doing, all I
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gotta do is just change what I'm thinking, and that changes how I feel,
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and that changes what I do. And then from there I just became
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calmer, more relaxed, more confident, you know. The anxiety, depression
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fell away, the second guessing, the loathing and shame like gone, let
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me let me interrupt you for a second. Ye, So first of all,
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who or what? And maybe this was a succession of events, But
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who was it that inspired you to Doug change this? You know? Was
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it a letting go? Was it? Yeah? I think first off,
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there was accumulation throughout my life where I just intually I felt like things I
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was off track. But I also felt like things were off track. But
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I'd been the second guessing myself for so long that I thought it must be
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me. And then, of course, because I was analytical and I was
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able to analyze and be objective about all the mistakes I was making, because
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I was a pretty smart guy in spite of my education or lack up and
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so as a businessman being successful and people saying I was intelligent and they were
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following me, I go, this is not intelligent action. So that was
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the beginning to question all the mistakes I was making. But then the hardest
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part was, you know, the relationship side, because where I came from,
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I just I wanted to be in a relationship because I felt I needed
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it to be okay, and I wasn't okay, and I kept wrecking them.
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And then my second marriage falls apart. I go to counseling and the
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counselor starts asking me some questions about my history and I couldn't answer them,
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and she suggested, maybe there's abuse in your background. I go, there's
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no abuse in my background. I mean my parents. Yeah, there was
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no abuse, even in the counseling when the abuse came out. So I
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put this story together. I hired police detector investigators and met police detectives and
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teachers and family friends. Will put this whole story together, and I went
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public with When I had the story in my hands, it's like it's like,
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you know, grabbing a autobiography and you really go, well, no
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wonder I was doing what I was doing and feeling like I was feeling.
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So that was a real turning point. In that counsel. She got me
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to really learn the art of not taking things personally. She she made me
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read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Rui's if you want to work
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with me, you got to study this book. And so I just really
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latched onto that don't take things personally. So that was a huge turning point.
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And then you know, I got better. I got better in life
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and better relationships. But when I thought I had it all licked and I
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was I thought I had altogether, I kept failing in relationships even more.
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And then about nine years ago, when I was really at my lowest point,
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I met my last mentor. He passed away able a year ago,
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and he taught me. I learned from him this idea of how mindset actually
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works, how my mind directs my brain and nervous system, and the relationship
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of the unconsciousness subconscious and what runs this machine is your self image, your
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subconscious, the image you hold yourself that runs the show. It runs what
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you do, it runs what you believe. It runs your value system.
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It runs everything. Your self image is running the show. And I had
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a poor self image out of mistaken identity. I was mistaken about who I
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was because of who I had become, because of what I went through.
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So those were really the two turning points. And then writing this book,
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I mean that was a breakthrough for me because I was afraid to write the
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book. Are people going to think? Am I on the right track?
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I mean I talked to thousands of people. I knew it was on the
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right track, but to put in a book and I'd go public and come
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on, you know, great shows like this and try to convince people of
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what I now what I now know. So those were probably the three key
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turning points. So this idea of our self image that's run by our subconscious,
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how do we take stock of that? Number one, how do we
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look at that and if we need to change that, because I'm thinking to
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myself, I have a lot of limiting beliefs, right, But how would
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you advise or suggest that people begin to take stock of that? I think
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I think the first question you have to ask yourself is how are you feeling
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in your life and about your life? Are you? Are you content.
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Are you happy or are you doing what you enjoy doing? You know,
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for the most part, is life fairly simple for you? Or is it?
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Are you really struggling and life is hard and complicated and you'll have all
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these negative emotions. You got to take stock first and be really honest with
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yourself. And then we just have to understand. And I didn't understand it,
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but quite simple you can learn how there's two parts to your mind,
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basically your conscious mind and your subconscious mind, and your subtinds of mind is
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basically where all the programming got dumped into. When you were little, you
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didn't really you didn't really have the ability to think, and when you did
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think and spoke up or challenge the adults or a thing like that, you
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got in trouble. And you're just you just have all these rules, values,
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beliefs, biases, prejudice, religion, food, taste, everything just
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dumped into you and you, like your subconscious just accepts it. And it's
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your subconscious mind that actually dictates how this thing feels. So those times where
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you're feeling anxious, it's because you're likely worried about the future. Those days
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where you're feeling down and depressed and frustrated. It's likely because you're focusing on
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the past. And we just have to understand how the subconscious works. And
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it's not really complicated. I thought it was complicated. I explained it in
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my book. I have put parts in here to simply understand, Okay,
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how does the mindset work? There's great books so you can read. I
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mean, one of the best would be Psycho Cybernetics by doctor Maxwell Maltz,
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like the best book published in nineteen sixty is still the best book today that
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explains self image and this automatic mechanism called our mind. And so all you
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got to do is you just have to take a look at how you're feeling
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and how you're operating. If you're making mistakes or you feel like you know
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there's something wrong with you, then you just something happened that was wrong.
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You believe something that's wrong, and you're not able to be yourself because you're
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heavily influenced by others. You're worried what people think, and there's a huge
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pressure for conformity and even when you like me, I wanted to bust out
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with this book to be a while, to muster up the courage to be
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myself and say what it is I want to say, and that that can
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be hard, when for in my case, you know, for almost fifty
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plus years, I was really living with a fear of what other people would
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think. So it's hard, but I think it's worse being an impost and
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covering up your true self. I think that's what's making you feel so lousy.
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You're not not able to be yourself. Well, you are able,
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You're just afraid to be yourself because you think there's these implications that are negative,
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when in fact they're all positive because if you can be yourself, then
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everything gets easy. So I think a lot of people are listening and really
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identifying because in part, you know, we're talking about the human condition,
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right, A lot of us feel ashamed about what's happened, but maybe we
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haven't even really like you're suggesting, you're taking the time to really think about
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a lot of us don't even just take the time to sit and think,
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how am I feeling right to do that? Baseline analysis, I don't think
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it's the human condition. I think it's the human conditioning a struggle because we
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are human. There is a struggle as a human life. You know,
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poses lots of challenge. But you're right. We just I think more so
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than ever before. I think we just we just go through our days,
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just tiptoeing through life, just trying to make it safely to debt. You
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know, we don't. We don't question things, you know. We we
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just like in my case, I've just been feeling this way for so long.
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I thought this was normal, but I felt abnormal. It was weird,
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right, it felt off, but you thought this must be it.
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I never questioned any of this until I started questioning others that knew something I
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did not know that could explain why I was doing what I was doing and
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how I was feeling. But you're right, and listen, not everybody listening
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here wants to wake up and improve their life. There's nothing wrong with the
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comfort zone. If you're if you're struggling and you're suffering and anything. I
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mean, I don't judge anybody for that. That's just a choice. But
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if you are struggling and you are suffering and you don't want you any longer,
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you probably do need to stop and think and ask them questions and get
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some of the right information and out there today it's information overload. You just
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don't quite know which way to go to talk to. I think you should
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find somebody that's getting the results that you're getting, that has a relatable story
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to yours, and find out if they really are truly on track or on
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the track you want to be on, and follow them and speak to them
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and let them help you. Like if anybody's been through trauma abuse and you're
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struggling and suffering. I am an expert at this because I am free,
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and I would be a good guy to follow. I mean, you're leading
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all kinds of people in the in the in the the therapy and troumto you
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call the trauma therapist. You're helping all these people that are helping other people.
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You're an authority. You'd be a good guy to go talk to.
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But that's not what we do. We get on our phones and or we
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asked the opinion of our family and friends because we're afraid of what other people
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think and we're just trying to validate if we're on the right track. So
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we won't actually go to an authority. We go to somebody we trust that
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has no authority or experience, and their view unfortunately is distorted on you because
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their filter or their mistake and identity has a skewed vision of you, and
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so their advice is going to be skewed. Like if I want to learn
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to be a plumber, I should go talk to a plumber. Right.
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Let me ask you something. So when you started to do that, when
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you started to kind of take stock and you know, ask yourself, you
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know, how am I feeling and begin to look at your subconscious how did
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you start to feel as a result, what did you do immediately after that?
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And how did how did it make you feel? Yeah, so I
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think a very important step for a lot of people. If you feel the
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pull to it. I think it's probably a good idea to put your story
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together to some degree. You don't have to dig into the past and dredge
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it all up, but it would be good to have some facts and information
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that explain why you're at what you're at and do what you're doing, and
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feeling how you're feeling. So I had I had a very good explanation when
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I had the story put together, so that that that series of facts that
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I'd blocked out explained why I was doing what I was doing and feeling the
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way I was feeling. So when I went public, like literally the shame
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and the self loathing, it fell away, literally in a matter of a
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few weeks, like it's gone. So I think that is a good step,
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And then I think another step would be too. I think you have
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to take of your beliefs. Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true.
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You know, like a very silly one, very common one when we
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were young, go to school and get an education so you can get a
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good job. Well that's not true. It might be true for some,
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but it's not necessarily true for all. That's a silly example. But we
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have these beliefs, and we have to understand it's our beliefs the driver behavior.
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And so if you don't like your actions and your results, it's because
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of your belief And that's what the four Agreements did for me. He get
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a follow up book too, It's called the Companion Book, and I'd recommend
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that you get that book. He made you basically take inventory of your beliefs.
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There's a great little book you can still get it. It's called All
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about You, and basically it causes you to just ask you a bunch of
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questions about your beliefs and your upbringing and what you were told a man is
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or a boy is. All these great questions to evaluate your belief system.
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And you can't change your belief system unless you evaluate your belief system. So
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I thought, all right, if my beliefs run my behavior, and my
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behavior caused my result, and I don't like my behavior or my results,
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it just seemed logical to evaluate my beliefs. So in my book, what
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I'm trying to do is get you to evaluate, first off, what is
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a mistake and identity? How did you get it? And then what is
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yours? And then throughout the book, I just ask you questions to evaluate
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all this in order to change your mind about how you think about this whole
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process, plus how you think about you, and then magically things change.
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I got a Texas Morning from a reader. She's on chapter twenty seven.
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So we have I have a book, a lesson that you get for free
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from me if you want. If you buy the book, I have the
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lessons I put together. There's just you know, short video lessons five seven
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minutes long. She wrote me. She goes chapter twenty seven so simple yet
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so profound. I wrote her back, and I said you think it's profound.
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It is simple, but you were taught to make it complicated. And
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so when I explain it simply and it uncomplicates it, you think it's profound
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when it's not profound at all. It's really simple. And it was chapter
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twenty seven, let it go. She thought, oh my, this is
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amazing. I go, it's not amazing. It's simple. It feels amazing
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because you were locked into this way of believing and thinking. When I break
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that apart, like somebody yesterday said Doug, it's like she's been through a
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similar story as mine. She shared. We were on a call. She
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had been, you know, done trauma therapy and all this stuff, and
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I'm doing really well in my life. When I read your book, it
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really disturbed me, like it really it went and I'd ever gone before,
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but was really cool about it, Doug. She said, it was like
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I went to the chiropractor. It's like all my vertebrae just got into a
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line. It's like each chapter has got me in alignment, shifted my vertebrae,
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and I was in pure alignment. And she thought, this is amazing,
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and go, thank you. It's not amazing. It's simple. It
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appears amazing because what comes, Oh my god, it's amazing, and I
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take I don't take any credit for other than the ability to assemble it.
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You know throughout this book in a way that it's simple that anybody, that
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anybody could let go of their past and have a better life. Well,
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let you know when letting go does sound simple? Of course it does,
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and I guess it is simple to a certain degree. Talk more specifically about
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that. Okay, good question, I'll turn the book too. So when
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my mentor was telling me to let it go, and I kept refusing because
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I thought it can't be that simple. Page two o five. There's a
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few things that I did not understand about letting go. And so one thing
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is the way your mind works. So, as I mentioned, your mind
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is this machine, and it's an automatic goal seeking mechanism. Like a scanner.
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It's scanning a target. It's like a torpedo trying to find its way
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forward. Two big mistakes I was making that most people make with the operation
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of their mindset is they spend way too much time thinking about the past,
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talking about the past, dredging up the past, and looking upon the past
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with negative emotions and thoughts. And the other mistake we make is that we
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worry about the future. We're using our imagination. We play out scenes and
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conflicts and problems before they ever happened, and they never do happen rarely,
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and so we're putting stress on this machine because it doesn't work that way,
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right. And so one of the things I learned about letting it go is
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that to let it go, you have to forgive the past. Now true
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forgiveness. And I didn't know this, but I love the idea. True
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forgiveness is forgetting. That's true forgiveness. The definition of true forgiveness is forgetting.
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And so I just decided to stop playing thinking about the past. And
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I was going to forget it. I'm not going to give it any more
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attention, right, I stopped giving. I had to train myself Nope,
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I'm not thinking about the past. Nope, I'm not talking about the past.
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Nope, I don't feel nice. I just kept training myself to stay
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in the present moment. And so I had to forgive my parents. I
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had to forgive their parents. I had to forgive. If I went back
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far enough, I probably have to forgive generation of people. Because you know
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what, I learned I got from my father and my mother. My adopted
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what they learned, they got from their parents, what they learned they got
30:07
from It's just a generational, perpetual transmutation of these problems, right, So
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I had to forgive them. Then I had to forgive the people that mistreated
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me, because when I dug up the story on the people that sexually abused
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me, guess what, they had a story too. I was a thirteen
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year old boy, and I thought this man was this old man. Well,
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when I got the police records, he was twenty six. He was
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just a young man. And when I got his story, no wonder he
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did what he did because he had his own story. So I was able
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to forgive the people that hurt me, and then guess what, I was
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able to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made because of that mistake and
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identity, and so it's all forgiveness. But one of the keys is you
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got to stop spending time in the past, because all you do is replay
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the scene, replay the thoughts, replay the emotion. It triggers you.
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You have the physical response and you're stuck again, and then you talk all
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about it. You go back in the past. You might feel good temporarily
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by talking it out, but if you don't change your view on the past,
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your life is not going to change much. That was the idea.
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Yeah, And as you're talking, I'm thinking to myself, you know,
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what's the alternative if you don't forgive, if you don't stop talking about the
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past and wallowing as a lot of us do right in the past and the
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negative stuff that's happened to us. What's the alternative to live a life that
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we're just stuck right, We're in shame, We're feeling negative, we're feeling
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tense, we're feeling anxious. I think for me anyway, I think more
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so than now, I think we have a responsibility to let this go because
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we are mistreating ourselves, our children. We're passing along negative things. They
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inherit it. We often talk about our children, and a lot these days
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are being talked about here with the weather in New York, about environments and
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all that. We always talk about our children. But I think we have
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a responsibility. And even if I'm negative and angry and hurts and whatever,
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I'm going to mistreat other people. I'm not going to be able to love
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other people, truly, treat them with love and good and follow the Golden
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rule right two unto others as you have them do unto you. It's hard
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to do when you were mistreated and angry about it, or you're hurt,
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or you're ashamed or whatever. I think we have a responsibility. And I
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think the world is getting more difficult and more challenging than ever. I think
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there's something big. I think there's a transformation taking place, and I'm just
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trying to you know, one person at time. I get through one person
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today, that will just change like I did. Because I'm doing a lot
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of good now in my life. And if I just get one disciple to
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follow me, and then they can get one, and then they can get
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two, and then they can get five. I think we have a responsibility
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for that. Wow. Okay, what is the best way for people to
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get in contact with you, Doug? The book is called Again a Mistaken
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Identity Guide to letting go of a past that's holding you back. Yeah,
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And the best way is go to my website at dun Dane dot com DNE
33:44
if you want to get the book or the book through my website, because
33:46
we'll get your email address, and then we'll send you an invitation and we
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give you the book lessons. I basically take you through the book over forty
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five days and we give that to you exact just I know, if I
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just get you to do the book gate it's it's not what. I don't
34:06
want you to buy the book. I don't even want you to read the
34:08
book. I mean I do. I want you to do the book.
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I tell people, let the book work on you, and so I try
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to help with these lessons, but social media Doug Dane or Doug Dane dot
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com is the best way to get hold of me. Awesome, Doug as
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always so inspired. Man, Thank you so much for coming back. Yeah,
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you're doing great stuff. I really enjoy what you're doing and I'm grateful
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to be on here. Thank you. I appreciate that. Or it will
34:35
be in touch. Good Thanks