Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / October 12, 2021 | Expresso - Nicole Wells

Transcript

October 12, 2021 | Expresso - Nicole Wells · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Nicole.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so like Connie said, I um am native to Topeka, grew up here.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um one thing that I grew up with was my grandmother, my grandparents raised me.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And um oh spacebar, sorry.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um so this is said this is my grandma, um, my mom's mom.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And when my mother was 17, she got pregnant with me.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: My dad was 16, and then here I come.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: They both turned 17 and 18.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and neither of one were mature enough to take care of a kid, and so my mother decided in the middle of the night that she was gonna bail, leaving me alone in my crib.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Luckily, we lived at my grandma's house.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and fortunate enough for me, this little book holds a lot of detailed information about that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my grandmother wrote down the specific day of when my mother disappeared and left me alone.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so my grandma didn't know what to do.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: She was a widow.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: My grandfather had passed away in 1976.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Here she had raised both her kids on her own.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: She was just kind of, you know, struck by surprise.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, my mom was obviously not a um perfect child, but she nonetheless made it really hard for my grandma.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: So she did what she knew best.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: She called her best friend.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is said best friend, which my grandpa, her husband, and my grandfather before his passing were deacons together at church that they had attended for decades together.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And she was a homemaker.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Both her kids were grown and out of the nest.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so she called her and she said, Hey, uh, D Dean left Nikki in the basement alone and I have to go to work.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, her exact words were, um, bring the baby to me.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so from that day forward, this woman right here was known as my grandmother.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when I tell you, my entire life story is kind of like one of those pure chaos and turmoil.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I would literally have to sit down and tell you from my mother's probably inception all the way up until today present of how complex it is.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: My mother was adopted.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um so my grandparents were not biologically related to her.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: This one that became a grandparent to me, not biologically related to me.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but that's how I know I know God exists, is these people were given to me by cho by he was he handpicked every single one.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Q graduation.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't know how I made it to 18.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just being honest, like I'm not quite sure how I made it there, but they had a big hand in that.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: They were very supportive, they did everything they could to make sure that I stayed on the straight and narrow, which I did not, but that's you know, beside the point.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: They know those secrets now, unfortunately.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I managed, and this was probably one of the best days with both of them.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um let's see, I kind of lost track, sorry.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um so most of my life I didn't have many male role models, but I had a grandfather, which I couldn't find a picture of, but um yeah, he was great.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then I had a couple of uncles.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my father is a current and always has been a drug addict.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, that's just his nature.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: So he wasn't around.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I met my husband when I had freshly turned 18, still in high school.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and here we are 17 years later.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um God picked him, designed him, molded him for me, which is kind of hard to wrap your head around something like that until you sit back and really look at it.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh, okay, that makes sense.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I get it now.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Although sometimes I have questions, but you know, I don't know who doesn't.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um so yeah.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and as a teenager, I I grew up, like I said, going to church.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: That was I was baptized in the church, I grew up in the church.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was all my family knew.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: But until I could drive and decided I was gonna tell not so's, I decided to quit going and I lost my faith.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then Q, high school, and friends don't go to church, people don't do that stuff.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we can skip, it's no big deal, right?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, that was a bad idea.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my parents, like I said, are completely um not around.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they're both alive still somewhere here in town, floating around.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've suffered more loss than I ever like to talk about.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's pretty rough, but you know, who has it?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: So starting with my great-grandmother, um, my grandfather's mother passed away in 2000, four days before my 14th birthday.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: We buried her the day before my birthday.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: That was really hard.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Then my uncle, my mom's brother, was killed April of 2000.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: We buried him.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Then in 2003, my group my grandfather passed away, and then his mother passed away in 2004.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: So pretty big chunk of people in a very short period of time.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Q 2010 and 2011.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I lost the very two people that I had relied on for my whole life.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mad.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Or frustrated with God.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: However, I know that he has a bigger plane.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So what that is, I don't know yet.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: So fast forward to about four or five years ago, I met um a gal at Bonkers.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: My littlest, or my youngest, or my only um Briar was probably three or four and had played at Bonkers every Tuesday.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: We met some really nice people, and typically I'm like unapproachable, but here this beautiful redhead is approaching me, chatting it up.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Hey, I have a group of mom friends.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to meet us at the Discovery Center?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, sure.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I guess.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I okay, yeah, sure.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I go and I meet this lovely woman named Christine.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I had been asked to go to church several times, several different places, from probably I'd say 16, 17 when I quit going up until um four or five years ago.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I I just never I just shrugged it off.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was still really angry with God, had lots of questions, like you took all these people away from me.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: So to be fair, I was like, okay, yeah, I'll come.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then I never did, and then I never did, and then finally I did.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Cue to present today.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I had never really considered what it would be like to find my way back to my faith.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: But that's one thing that I know my grandmothers would be very proud of me for.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I said I wasn't gonna cry, sorry.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: But I had prayed for this miracle, and that took years.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean when I say years, it took years.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So that was hard.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then having both of my grandparents not be able to share that with me was really hard.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't have a mom.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: What I do have are really good friends and lots of active people that if I didn't have them, I would probably be a complete and total mess.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Although I am still no judgment, sorry.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can't lie.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and mom guilt is totally bad today because I feel really bad.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: My kid was home by himself for a little bit because you know, no school.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but had I not chosen to come to church and just kind of feel it out after all those years, um, I'd probably still be really, really angry.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd be lying again if I said I wasn't still like questioning all of the loss, all of the grief, all of the things I'd ever been through.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: But now I I couldn't imagine not having this church and this community.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, and when I tell you I know the enemy is hard at work, there's no doubt in my mind that he was working even harder that whole time until I found something that I really loved and enjoyed, which is being here.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and during COVID, I know we all took it, you know, when the first happened, everybody took it really differently.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was kind of suspect, you know, questioning things like, I'm not gonna go into billing and sit, I'm not sure how I feel about this.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll never forget the first day back to, I think it was the what they call it, the football frenzy or the church on the lawn.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it was, I was like, I don't know why I ever quit coming.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I missed it so much.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And you never realize how much you miss something that you didn't have for such a long time until you get it back because you lost it yet again.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sunday service on a screen is not at all the same in as in person at all.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so every time I think about like what family and faith means, it's more of having these people that corral around you, and no matter your circumstances, they're always there.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of that's God.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: He meets us right where we are when we need it.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not as close to him as I would like to be, but again, to be fair, I'm working on myself just like I think most of us probably are.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I know they'd both be very proud of me for even stepping foot in a church all those years later.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: And funny story, I was just telling Colnie yesterday, said, you know, years ago when TBC did the light show outside, my grandma's actually the one that told me about it.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we came religiously every year.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: We came and sat outside and looked at, you know, watched the light show.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: And here I am, tenfold like actively involved.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like I did, I've done IMOM, I've done um Camp Catapult, I helped with um our fall festival, anything that really I've been asked.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I I love serving.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of those things that I it's I don't know what you would call it.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a gift.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's just it's awesome.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of my love languages, I guess, is serving.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's it's pretty, it's pretty power powerful for me to be able to stand here and say that I could guarantee you four or five years ago this would not be the person I was.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still kind of questioning a lot of my life story, but I'm also very thankful that he shows up and he meets us where we are.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And no judgment, no questions.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: I can go to him, it's an open book.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can, I can open the Bible and I can read any chapter of it and know that that there is more to it than this.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um and just having that faith has really reminded me of my upbringing and like the people that I mean, both my grandmothers were very devout Christians and they were very strong in their faith.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And my grandfathers, even, even though I didn't even meet one, I knew he was.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: They were both deacons, they were very actively present in the church.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so for me, that's just a reminder that God doesn't give us what we think we need, he gives us what he knows we deserve.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And it's kind of a powerful thing for me to be able to say, I I made it to 18 and I made it to 35, and I'm gonna keep on going because somehow, by his grace, I am still standing.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so, you know, it just it's it's hard for me to to even look back and say that I denied my faith at one time because that's not fair when he is so certain you know um so mighty and powerful.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I I know that again, we're all working on our relationships with Jesus.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: So um it's just it's a learning process.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's also a very big um life commitment like change for people when you go through so much and you you become angry and wonder where your life is supposed to be or where it's not supposed to be.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: And well, I can tell you it's supposed to be right here.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I got.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks.