Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Slice of Huckleberry Pie

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The Fifth Hour: Slice of Huckleberry Pie · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom if you thought four hours a day 1200 minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: a week was enough think again he's the last remnants
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: of the old republic a sole bastion of fairness he
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
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  Speaker 1: rich pill poppers in the penthouse wow the clearinghouse of
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: hot takes break free for something special the fifth hour
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: with ben maller starts right.
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  Speaker 2: Now In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me,
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Ben Maller, and you. Happy Friday. Back in the remote
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: podcast studio from a secret location somewhere in the Northwoods.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: After doing the overnight show, we are back at it.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Kicking off the weekend here. And it is the sixth
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: day of November today. And we have all kinds of
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: useless oddities. from today today is national nachos day for
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  Speaker 2: example that's right nachos invented in mexico in 1943 think
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: about all the things that happened all the famous people
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: in the world that never got to enjoy nachos until
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: ignacio anaya aka ignacio nacho anaya invented the nacho back
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: in 1943 a celebration of tortilla chips and ooey gooey
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  Speaker 2: cheese and all the other crap that you put on nachos.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: And it's Nacho Day today. It's National Saxophone Day, the
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: birthday of Adolph Sax. That's right. The guy from Belgium
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: invented the saxophone and put his name on it. Why not?
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: What the hell? It is National Basketball Day today. It
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  Speaker 2: is appropriate because the inventor of basketball, James Naismith, was
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  Speaker 2: born on this date in 1861. Did you know? Here's
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: a fun fact. This goes out to Fergdog, MallorPropGuy, and Alf.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: the alien opiner that despite inventing the game of basketball
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: in one of the great ironies of the modern world,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: you think about how much money the industrial complex of
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: professional sports generates and all that stuff. James Naismith did
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  Speaker 2: not become a wealthy man from inventing basketball. He created
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  Speaker 2: basketball in 1891. He was working as a physical education
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  Speaker 2: teacher in At the YMCA in Springfield, Mass, the legendary story,
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  Speaker 2: he invented the game. It was part of his job.
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  Speaker 2: And he came up with the original 13 rules, which
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  Speaker 2: did not have a three-point line, did not have run
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  Speaker 2: with the ball like you're playing rugby, like they do
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  Speaker 2: in the NBA now. And unlike many of the modern investors,
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  Speaker 2: or inventors, I should say, when you think about people
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  Speaker 2: that have invented crap, they become really wealthy because And
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  Speaker 2: Naismith did not patent basketball. He did not charge licensing
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  Speaker 2: fees to play basketball. He did not build an empire
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  Speaker 2: around it. He was a simple man. That was it.
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  Speaker 2: By the time he died in the 1930s, basketball had
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  Speaker 2: already become a big deal. And one of the cool things,
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I remember reading about this a couple years back, that
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  Speaker 2: Naismith lived long enough to see basketball become an Olympic sport,
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  Speaker 2: an official Olympic sport at the Berlin Games in 1936.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: And so while he did not get money, very little
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  Speaker 2: money came out of basketball, even though it's a multi-billion
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  Speaker 2: dollar industry, he gained fame. And some would say immortality,
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: that here's a guy that was born way back in 1936, 1861,
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  Speaker 2: I believe, was when he was born. And then all
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  Speaker 2: these years later, we're still bringing his name up. It's
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: been a hot minute. It's been a hot minute. What
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  Speaker 2: else is going on? We have this date, 1860, Abraham
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Lincoln won the presidency. He became the first Republican president.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: He only won about 40% of the popular vote, but
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  Speaker 2: that was enough in 1860. Jefferson Davis was elected the
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Confederate president in 1861. They would have some battles there,
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. One year after Lincoln was elected,
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: and this was actually after the Civil War was already
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: going on, what else happened? A lot of election stuff.
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  Speaker 2: Benjamin Harrison won the Electoral College, defeated Grover Cleveland. Despite
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: losing the popular vote, that damn electrical... College. Meet the
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Press premiered on this date in 1947. NBC. And that
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  Speaker 2: eventually became America's longest-running television program. Meet the Press. Meet
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  Speaker 2: the Press. In fact, that show lasted, and I think
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: it's still on, I believe, Meet the Press, which is
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: longer than the actual press. Like the printing press? Very
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: few people read newspapers. Very, very few people read newspapers.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: So meet the press. It's now laptops and digital and
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: all that stuff. I mean, there's obviously still newspapers, but
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: not many. And way back in 1984, Ronald Reagan won
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: 49 states. 49 states. He absolutely tore to bits. Walter Mondale,
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  Speaker 2: the guy he was running against, They were side by
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  Speaker 2: side there. And Mondale won Minnesota. That was the only state.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: And Washington, D.C. So that happened in 1984. In 2012,
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  Speaker 2: Barack Obama won re-election on this date, defeating Mitt Romney.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: So that happened. Dolly Parton went into the Rock and
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  Speaker 2: Roll Hall of Fame on this date. Way back in 2022,
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  Speaker 2: Lionel Richie, Pat Benatar, Eminem, Duran Duran among the performers
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: inducted November, back in the day, November 6th. So there
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  Speaker 2: you go. I mean, there's a bunch of other random
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  Speaker 2: stuff that we could toss out. And dazzle you with.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: But I think that's enough. So the 310th day of
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  Speaker 2: the year today, by the way. There are 55 days left.
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  Speaker 2: We are 20 days away from Thanksgiving. 20 days away
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: from Thanksgiving. Christmas is 49 days away. We are on
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  Speaker 2: a roller coaster ride. It is flying by. Well, on
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  Speaker 2: this edition... of the fifth hour podcast a halloween story
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  Speaker 2: about marriage strawberry shortcake and my unexpected future in agriculture
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: now what so there comes a point in every man's
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  Speaker 2: life where he realizes hey you're too old to go
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: trick-or-treating in the traditional sense of putting on the costume
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  Speaker 2: and get a flashlight and a bag and walking around
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  Speaker 2: and all that stuff. Now, for me, that point arrived
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  Speaker 2: some time ago. I don't remember the exact date. I
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: didn't write the date down. I didn't put it on
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  Speaker 2: my calendar on my phone. There was no formal announcement,
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  Speaker 2: no certified letter from the Halloween Commission of the United States.
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  Speaker 2: Nobody knocked on my door and said, Dear sir, we've
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  Speaker 2: reviewed your application. Unfortunately, you have aged out of the
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  Speaker 2: candy demographic. Now, listen, I understand. I'm a grown-ass man.
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  Speaker 2: All right? Grown-ass man. A very large person. Pretty tall.
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  Speaker 2: I'm built more like a whirlpool refrigerator than a trick-or-treater.
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  Speaker 2: And if I showed up at somebody's house carrying a
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  Speaker 2: plastic pumpkin and asking for some miniature Butterfinger, Baby Ruth,
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: and Snicker bars, they'd either, A, call the police, they'd
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: bludgeon me or shoot me. Which brings me to my wife. Now,
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: my wife loves Halloween. Loves. Capital L loves Halloween. It's
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  Speaker 2: arguably her favorite holiday. Not Christmas. Not Thanksgiving. Not Fourth
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  Speaker 2: of July. Halloween. Now, I don't fully understand this. Christmas
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  Speaker 2: has presents. I celebrate Hanukkah, but we are together, so
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: we have big holiday celebrations and all that. Thanksgiving's got food.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't just have to be turkey. You've got the
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  Speaker 2: pumpkin pie. You've got the stuffing. You've got the biscuits.
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  Speaker 2: You've got all that stuff on the side, the cornbread.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Halloween has the possibility of being frightened by a stranger
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  Speaker 2: wearing a rubber mask while you are trying to find
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  Speaker 2: your car. As we have often pointed out, and if
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  Speaker 2: you're married, you know this, there's some compromise involved in
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: this stuff when you get married. And so By compromise,
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: I mean my wife informs me that here's what we're doing,
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: and then I ask what time I have to be
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  Speaker 2: ready to go. So this year, Halloween fell. It was
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  Speaker 2: last week. It was on a Saturday, which meant the
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: festivities began on Friday night. There was a Halloween party
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: at an 80s-themed club in Southern California, because I cannot
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: think of a more appropriate way to celebrate Halloween than
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: an 80s club. like a bar club type thing. So
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: my wife works, as you know, she's a 911 operator,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: but she works at the police station. And I have
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: learned over the years, I didn't know a lot about
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: the inner workings of law enforcement. And let me tell you,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: some of you people, you people in law enforcement are
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: extraordinarily social. You are beyond social. Who knew you spend
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: your professional lives dealing with the scum of the earth, criminals,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: people having the worst day of their lives, emergencies. You've
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: got to deal with a lot of paperwork. You've got
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: to go to the courthouse, all that stuff, and deal
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  Speaker 2: with the collapse of civilized society. Then, when the day ends,
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  Speaker 2: you're done with your shift, you want to go out,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: you want to have fun. Now, meanwhile, my world, the
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: world that I'm in, talk radio. Much different, much different ecosystem.
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  Speaker 2: We're mostly introverts in radio. who have somehow stumbled into
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  Speaker 2: a profession that requires talking for a living. So we
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: spend hours, as you know, speaking into these microphones, and
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: when the microphones are turned off, we'd prefer not to
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  Speaker 2: speak to anyone. We want silence. We're like zoo animals.
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  Speaker 2: We're interesting to observe, some would say, better appreciated from
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: a distance... Please do not tap on the glass. Leave
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  Speaker 2: me alone. However, my wife had a Halloween party to attend,
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  Speaker 2: and I was going to be her plus one. I
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  Speaker 2: was going with her. There would be plenty of coworkers, friends, socializing,
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  Speaker 2: telling stories. Yes, Jen and Ashley were going to be there.
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  Speaker 2: The two friends of my wife were travel companions. We
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  Speaker 2: went to Mexico City together. And by the way, I
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  Speaker 2: may point out, My friend Roberto, the bus driver, reached
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  Speaker 2: out to me randomly and enjoyed the photos and the
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  Speaker 2: stories from Mexico City. So that is Roberto approved. He
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  Speaker 2: said we did it right. I'm not taking any credit
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  Speaker 2: because I was just along for the ride. So my
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  Speaker 2: wife and Jen and Ashley, the women that planned it,
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  Speaker 2: he said we hit all the key parts of Mexico City.
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  Speaker 2: We did a great job. And I'm like, well, we
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: didn't hit everything. He said, no, you got to go back.
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, we'll go back. There's a big museum
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  Speaker 2: that we missed. and all that. So I got thumbs
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: up from the old bus driver, Roberto, with his Mexican
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  Speaker 2: Doppler 2000. Anyway, so the people that were there, mostly
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  Speaker 2: I know them from social events and all that. Jen
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  Speaker 2: and Ashley, of course, helped me navigate a foreign country.
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  Speaker 2: So they've probably seen enough of me. They've earned the
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  Speaker 2: right to have a nice event and I'll just sit
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  Speaker 2: in the background. And of course, instead of just me
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  Speaker 2: sitting in the background, keeping a low profile, they were
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  Speaker 2: about to meet Huckleberry pie. Yeah. Huckleberry pie. We'll get
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  Speaker 2: to him in a minute, but first a word from
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  Speaker 2: our sponsors. No, I want to talk about costumes. All right.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a costume person and this has been an
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  Speaker 2: ongoing issue for in my life, my marriage, because again,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: my wife loves the entire Halloween experience, the decorating, the planning,
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  Speaker 2: the creativity, the costumes, the coordination. I like eating the candy.
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  Speaker 2: I enjoy the candy. So that's my contribution. I'm not
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  Speaker 2: opposed to Halloween costumes. I actually love visiting the Spirit Halloween.
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  Speaker 2: It's one of the great seasonal institutions in American culture
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  Speaker 2: and a great part of commerce in the United States.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: Every September, there's an abandoned retail space that suddenly becomes
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: a warehouse of plastic skeletons, fog machines, severed heads made
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: out of rubber, polyester outfits. A former furniture store becomes
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: a haunted house. A failed electronics retailer becomes a graveyard.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: The vacant pharmacy down the street becomes a place where
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: you can purchase a 12-foot skeleton that is just dying
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: to be on your front lawn. It's capitalism wearing a
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Dracula cape. So I enjoy walking through the spirit Halloween.
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  Speaker 2: I do.
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  Speaker 1: I do.
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  Speaker 2: I like to look at the merch online. admire the creativeness,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: the ingenuity, wondering who has the kind of cash to
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: purchase an $ 80 animatronic zombie that screams every time someone
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: walks past the refrigerator, and what happens to that zombie
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: the other 11 months of the year. But there is
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: a problem when you visit Spirit Halloween, and that would
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: be my size. I'm on the tall side. on the
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: tall side, and shall we say generously proportioned. The round
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: mound of talk town. Now, I've lost a lot of weight,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: but I'm still a big guy compared to you normal people.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: And you can't just walk into a Spirit Halloween when
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: you're my size, grab a costume off the rack, and say, okay,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: we're good. It fits perfectly. The average Halloween costume is
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: designed for a fun-sized human being. I am designed more
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: like a commercial appliance. The costumes labeled extra large look
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: like they'd fit one of my legs and not all
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: the way up. The costumes labeled one size fits most
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: really are a kick to the nuts. That is particularly
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: a body blow, body blow, and a kick to the nuts.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: It's insulting. One size fits most Who is the most?
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Is this Johnny Most, the old voice of the Celtics
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: when I was a kid? I was a little guy.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: I'd like to meet Most. Can I meet Most? Because
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: apparently whoever Most is is like 5'9, 140 pounds. I
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: don't know who this fellow is. However, he's cornered the
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Halloween costume market. So that means my wife has to
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: handle the wardrobe. I can't just go to Spirit Halloween.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: She has to research. She has to order. She has
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: to coordinate. A lot of Amazon purchases, possibly a Timu purchase,
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: maybe even something from Walmart. And again, I'm just waiting
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: for the instructions. I'm waiting for the treasure map. That's
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: what I'm worried about. And this year, the instructions were
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: particularly unusual. We're doing strawberry shortcake. I said, what?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: What?
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: She says, Strawberry Shortcake. Now, I remember Strawberry Shortcake. Of
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: course I do. I'm of the proper age. I'm a
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: child that was born in the 70s, and I grew
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: up in the 80s. I'm getting old. Strawberry Shortcake was
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: literally in the air everywhere in my childhood. She was
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: originally created after I was born. She's younger than I am,
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: in the late 70s, as a greeting card character. Now,
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: a few years later... she became a phenomena of merch. Yeah, dolls, cartoons, lunchboxes, bedding, pencils, erasers.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: If you could manufacture something out of plastic, somebody figured
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: out how to put Strawberry Shortcake's mug on it. There
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: are probably millions, and I'm not exaggerating here, there are
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: probably millions of Strawberry Shortcake products currently decomposing in landfills
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: from sea to shining sea across North America. In fact,
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: years from now, we had a hot tub time machine,
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: and we went to the year 3026, a thousand years
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: from now. Archaeologists-type folks will be digging through our civilization,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: and they're going to discover three things. Plastic water bottles, check.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: Old cell phones in the year 3026. and strawberry shortcake lunchboxes.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: They will conclude that we as a society at one
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: point worshiped the god who was a small redheaded girl
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: who lived inside a dessert. And they won't be entirely wrong.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: The strawberry shortcake empire was enormous. I remember when the
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: toy craze when I was a kid in the 80s,
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: there were action figures and toys and dolls for all
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: the shows that were popular for kids. The people at Kenner,
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: which I guess is not around anymore, they made dolls
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: for Strawberry Shortcake that smelled like actual strawberries. This was,
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: at the time, a major innovation in the doll community.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: Of course, as I remember, my cousins, no sisters, but
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: my cousins had the Strawberry Shortcake dolls. The smell started
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: to wear off pretty quick. Started to wear off pretty quick.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: But not only could you purchase a plastic... doll, the
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: doll at one point did have a fragrance. And there
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: were other characters that had their own fruity scents. Think
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: about that. Some executive sat in a boardroom and said,
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: We've got the dolls. We've got the television show. We've
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: got the lunch boxes. But what if the children could
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: smell the merch? And everyone applauded. Brilliant. The doll smells
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: like strawberries. Oh, the money. Money, money, money. That's success.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: That is success. So I started researching the Strawberry Shortcake universe.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: which is another thing that I never imagined I would
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: be doing as a grown man. If you were to
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: ask 10-year-old Benny, little fat 10-year-old Benny, Benny, when you're
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: getting up there in age, are you going to be
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: searching around for strawberry shortcake information? No, I would never
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: do that. But here I was. My wife said we're
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: doing strawberry shortcake, so I fell down a rabbit hole.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: I learned, among other things, I'm going to impress some
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: of the boys here. I learned about Strawberryland. I learned
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: about the supporting characters. I learned that the villain in
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: the Strawberry Shortcake franchise was Peculiar Purple Pie Man. Sounds bad.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Sounds evil. The Purple Pie Man, that's your bad guy.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: I wonder what that's like when they go to a
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: bad guy convention. and the purple pie man has to
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: hang out with darth vader and lex luther and the
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: joker and you know friday the 13th characters and all
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: this and you're the purple pie man they probably poke
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: fun at the purple pie man you're the evil character
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: like the purple pie man who makes pies Apparently in
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Strawberry Land, organized crime revolves around baked goods. The Purple
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: Pie Man was Strawberry Shortcake's arch nemesis. Now, I don't
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: know what he did that was so terrible. I didn't
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: get that deep into it. Perhaps he overcharged for a
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: blueberry tart or maybe refused to honor a coupon. Whatever
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: his crisis, he was the enemy. My wife, naturally, would
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: be Strawberry Shortcake. Yeah, she loved him. Strawberry Shortcake is
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: a little girl. This was nostalgia for her. Return to Childhood,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Journey Down Memory Road. For me, eh. I was informed
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: that I would be Huckleberry Pie. Huckleberry who? I had
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: never heard of this character. I'm not ashamed to admit that.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: Not once. Strawberry Shortcake, absolutely. Even the Purple Pie Man,
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: I was like, okay. Huckleberry Pie, eh. Sounds like something
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: you'd order at a roadside diner somewhere in Arkansas near
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: Sir Scratchoff. Today's special, we have a chicken fried steak,
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: mashed potatoes, and those are cheesy mashed potatoes, and a
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: slice of huckleberry pie. But my wife knew him. She
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: was familiar with his work. Apparently, huckleberry pie was one
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: of the relatively few male characters in the original Strawberry
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: Shortcake universe, which makes sense. Somebody had to represent the
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: male demographic in a world dominated by scented dolls, fruit-themed
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: real estate, et cetera. And I had been cast in
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: that role. There was no audition. There was no callback,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: no casting couch, no meeting with the director, no table read.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: My wife was the casting department, the wardrobe department, and
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: the executive producer. I was a day player. I was
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: an extra, but I was playing a lead role, a
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: very large day player, if you will. So I researched
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: Huckleberry Pie, and this was where things got interesting. Huckleberry
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: Pie was a country boy, a rural fellow, a little outdoorsy,
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: which is about as opposite as you can get from me.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: His character drew inspiration from Huckleberry Finn, the famous Mark
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Twain character introduced way back in the 19th century that featured...
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: was featured rather in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: was published in the 1880s in Britain, 1884, America, 1885.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: Now that I found interesting because my pops, my old man,
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: loved Mark Twain. That was his guy. My dad had
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: every Mark Twain book. He watched documentaries about Mark Twain.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: He was fascinated by the man. his writing, his humor,
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: his observations about American life. Mark Twain was practically a
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: member of the family growing up. There were so many
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Mark Twain books and stories about Mark Twain and quotes
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: about Mark Twain. So here I was decades later learning
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: that my Halloween costume had a literal connection to one
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: of my dad's favorite authors. That was kind of cool.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: This was the first time in my life that I
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: could justify dressing up as a cartoon dessert by invoking
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: American literature and the great Mark Twain. So I felt
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: a little better. I felt a little better. I wasn't
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: merely dressing up as Huckleberry Pie. I was honoring the
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: tradition of Samuel Clemens. And at least that's what I
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: kind of mumbled to myself. I was like, oh yeah,
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: that's what I'm doing here. I'm not embarrassing myself doing
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: the walk of shame. It is amazing that the human
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: brain has the ability. What the brain can do when
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: it's trying to rationalize wearing a floppy hat. Of course,
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Strawberry Short characters have undergone many redesigns over the years,
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: different outfits, different appearances, personalities. It's kind of like the
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: Marvel Cinematic Universe, only everybody smells like fruit, and they
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: don't make 17 different movies a year. We were going
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: for the classic look, El Clasico. So my wife had
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: to order a costume because, again, nobody was going to
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: have an off-the-rack huckleberry pie outfit at the Spirit Halloween
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: store to fit a 6'5, 6'6, radio host. So the
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: costume arrived, blue overalls, a floppy hat, which I had.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: We actually bought, my wife had bought a floppy hat
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: for me to wear. It turned out it was a
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: very feminine hat. And so in honor of my machismo,
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: the wife said, we're not going to have you wear that.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: It's bad enough for you, I know. And she felt
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: pity on me. So we wore one of the other
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: hats I had. And it's a country-inspired appearance. I looked
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: at the outfit. The outfit looked at me. Neither of
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: us seemed particularly enthusiastic about this particular arrangement. The overalls
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: had clearly been expecting a different man, perhaps someone who
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: owned a tractor, who knew Farmer John or knew how
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: to repair a fence, or had successfully grown a tomato. Instead,
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: they got my fat ass, a man whose primary occupational
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: skill is sitting in a chair and complaining about a
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: quarterback or a coach. The overalls were tremendously disappointed. I
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: could tell. But I put them on anyway, and then
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: suddenly I was Huckleberry Pie, or at least a middle-aged
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: man dressed like Huckleberry Pie dressed who looked as though
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: he had been hired to move some furniture. Now, my
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: wife was Strawberry Shortcake. She looked great, just killed it.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: She's so beautiful, looked wonderful. Of course she did. She
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: had the proper costume, the enthusiasm, the spirit of Halloween,
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: but not Halloween spirit, not the store. So I looked
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: like I had wandered away from a county fair, and
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: I was looking for a corndog the size of my arm,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: and some kind of deep-fried dessert. But off we went
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: into the Friday night lights. Southern California, 80s club, room
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: full of people wearing costumes, listening to music from 40
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: years ago, pretending that their knees didn't hurt. It's an
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: interesting development in American nightlife. When I was young, Back
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: in my day, you went to a nightclub because you
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: wanted to hear the latest music. I want to hear
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: the latest music. Now you go to a nightclub because
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: you want to hear music from when you were young.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: It's a musical retirement community. There were people that were
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: younger that weren't alive in the 80s and all that.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: So there were a mix, but it was mostly people
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: who were either kids or even some grown up in
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: the 80s. And that's it. So the musical retirement community.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: The 80s were playing. People were dancing. You had a
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: lot of Michael Jackson, Prince music. The police station crowd
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: was having a delightful time. Jen and Ashley were there,
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: as we said, my wife. And I was walking around
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: dressed as a cartoon country boy from a children's merchandising franchise.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: which when you think about it is a perfectly reasonable
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: way for a grown man to spend a Friday evening
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: before Halloween. I even dance a little bit so I
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: get carried away. Not a not a dancer. I possess
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: the grace and the fluidity of a nice. giant stove
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: being pushed down a flight of stairs. My dancing style
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: is mostly shifting my weight from one foot to the
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: other while hoping that nobody notices. Not exactly a Tony
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: Award piece of choreography. It's a medical observation. Is that
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: man dancing? What is that? I think he's trying to
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: improve circulation in his legs. I participated. There were some cocktails.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: There was a lot of laughter and socializing. My wife
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: seemed very happy, and that's the important part because... The
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: marriage is not always about doing what you want to do.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's about putting on a pair of blue overalls,
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: wearing a floppy hat, going to an 80s club because
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: the person you're in love with thinks it'll be fun.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: And as it turned out, it was fun. There were photographs, naturally.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: Photographs are unavoidable. My wife likes photographs. Her friends like
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: photographs even more than she does. My wife's not on
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: social media, but they are. Everybody wants photographs. I am
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: not particularly enthusiastic. I'm not photogenic. I have mirrors. I
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: know what I look like. I don't need documentation. I
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: don't want to scare anyone. And I certainly don't feel
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: obligated to post every moment of my life on social media.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: In fact, I did not post a single photo of
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: me in my outfit. Some people seem to believe that
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: if you don't post a photograph, it never happened. I
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: reject the theory. I went to the party. I wore
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: the costume. I danced a little bit. There were people
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: that were witnesses, and that's all I need. That's sufficient.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: The public does not need photographic records of every cocktail,
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: every dance move, every unfortunate wardrobe decision. Some things can
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: remain private, particularly when they involve a large person dressed
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: as a scented doll character. The evening was a success.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: My wife, again, wonderful time. and I came home with
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: something unexpected, overalls. That's right. I now own a pair
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: of overalls. This is a significant life development because overalls
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: open up an entirely new world of professional opportunities. For years,
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I've been concerned about the future of the radio business.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: The industry has changed a lot since I got in.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: Technology has evolved. Companies have merged. Budgets have shrunk. You
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: never know. One day, I'm going to be talking into
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: a microphone, and the next day, somebody will tell you, hey,
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: the company's decided to replace you with the algorithm, and
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: that is going to work for free. It sounds just
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: like you. It doesn't complain about not having enough time
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: off or not getting raises and all that. That's down
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: the line. That's the AI hot take artist crowd. But
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: I have options. I have options. At least now I
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: have options. Again, I own overalls. I could become a farmer. Absolutely.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: Benny on the farm. I don't know anything about farming.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: I have the costume. That's half the battle. I could
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: wake up at sunrise, walk outside, look at the fields,
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: and say something... agricultural. Talk about my horticulture background. Looks
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: like rain. Isn't that what farmers say? Looks like it's
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: going to rain today. I could say that. I could
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: become a rancher. Of course, I don't own cattle. Well,
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: Moxie's kind of like a cow. And I'm not particularly
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: comfortable around large animals out in the wild, but I've
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: got the overalls. Perhaps the cows would respect the wardrobe.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: You look like a farmer. You look like a rancher.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: You're a rancher. I could also become a mechanic. Overalls
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: are perfect for mechanics. They protect your clothes from grease, oil, dirt,
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: and other unpleasant substances. I could do that. Now, I
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: don't know how to repair an automobile. I could watch
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: some YouTube videos. I can barely locate the windshield washer
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: fluid thing. And imagine, if you will, the confidence I
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: would inspire walking into a garage wearing overalls. A customer
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: would come in there and say, well, my transition is
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: making this strange noise. And I'd say, well, that's unfortunate.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: And then I'd refer them to someone who knows about transmissions.
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: I could work in construction, carpentry, painting, warehousing, landscaping, horticulture, horticulture.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: That's a big word, horticulture. I could tell people I'm
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: transitioning from broadcasting into horticulture. And these people would be impressed. Really? Really?
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: What do you specialize in? Well, mostly standing near the plants.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: I like to stand near the plants. I could become
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: a gardener. Although my previous experience with plants suggests that
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: most vegetation would prefer I stay away for their long-term health.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: I could join the Union Pacific Railroad. Choo-choo. Think about that.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: One day broadcasting coast to coast. The next day working
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: on the railroad coast to coast. All the live long day.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: I'd already have the appropriate clothing. I could become a painter.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: Overalls are terrific for painting. You can get paint all
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: over yourself, and nobody seems particularly concerned by that. And
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: in fact, paint-covered overalls are practically a badge of honor
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: in the painting community. Even Bob Ross back in the
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: day thought, boy, that's great. The more paint you have
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: on them, the more experienced you look. I could spill
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: an entire gallon of Sherwin-Williams on myself and immediately become
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: the most respected painter on the block. The possibilities on
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: this are endless with these overalls, and all because my
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: wife wanted to dress up as Strawberry Shortcake, and I
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: had to have my costume. Of course, there's one profession
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: where overalls are almost entirely unnecessary. My life's work, talk radio.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: There is very little physical labor involved in radio. Very
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: little dirt, very little grease, very little grime. There are
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: a lot of cockroaches in the building we work in,
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: but unless you count the break room refrigerator, that would
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: be hazardous waste. That's a hazardous waste site. But otherwise,
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: radio is a relatively clean occupation. You sit, you talk,
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: you bark, you push a few buttons, you complain about this, that,
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: and the other thing. Occasionally, you stand up to stretch.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: It's not exactly coal mining. Nobody has ever come home
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: from a radio shift and said, boy, I really worked
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: up a sweat hauling those opinions around. Those were some
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: really heavy opinions. Although I suppose I've done some heavy lifting.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: I've carried entire radio shows, conversations. I've dragged bad sports
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: takes across the finish line. I've spent years digging holes
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: for myself on the air. And so why not? Maybe
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: I am qualified for construction. And there's another benefit to
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: the overalls. They're practical. They've got pockets, lots of pockets.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: I'm fascinated by the amount of pockets. What am I
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: supposed to put them in? I got a key in
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: one pocket, I got my phone in another, I got
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: my wallet in a third pocket, a three-pocket outfit, a hammer,
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: a tape measure. What other tools do I need? A
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: packet of strawberry seeds. I have spent my professional career,
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: my professional life carrying a phone, a wallet, a an
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: unreasonable number of opinions, and now I have enough storage
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: capacity to open a small hardware store. The overalls are
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: hanging in my closet right now. If you come on over,
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: you're not invited. They're waiting. For what? I don't know.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: Perhaps next Halloween, perhaps a career change, perhaps the day
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: my wife announces that we're attending a costume party based
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: on another children's cartoon. I'm hoping for something involving a bathrobe.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: That sounds fun. That's very casual. Or a bathrobe and
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: a recliner. Maybe there's a cartoon character whose primary responsibility
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: is lying on a sofa watching TV. I would really
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: like that. No costume required. I have to admit something.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: My wife was right. Again, the Halloween party was fun.
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: The costumes were fun. The entire Strawberry Shortcake adventure turned
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: out to be far more entertaining than Than I expected,
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: I learned about an entire franchise. I fell down the
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: rabbit hole. I learned about Huckleberry Pie, the man in
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Strawberry Shortcake's life. I rediscovered a connection with Mark Twain
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: and my pops. May he rest in peace. I spent
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: an evening with my wife and her friends. I even
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: danced a little bit. Now I own a pair of overalls.
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: It's not a bad ROI, return on investment. At my age,
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: Halloween is no longer... about collecting candy. It's about collecting
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: experiences and apparently some random work clothes. So again, if
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: this radio thing ever goes sideways, I'll be fine. I'll
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: find something, farming, painting, railroading. Maybe I'll open a Malheur
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: landscaping business. I'll call it Huckleberry Pie's Lawn and Garden.
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: And our slogan will be, We don't know what we're doing,
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: but man, we look like we know what we're doing.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: And that's it. Drop the mic. Which, come to think
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: of it, has been pretty accurate in terms of a
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: description of my radio career. So, there you go. go
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: that was my halloween party experience from the round mound
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: of huckleberry town Or Huckleberry Pie. On that note, have
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: a great rest of your Friday. And don't forget, you
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: want to email in Fifth Hour Mailbag. Fifth Hour Mailbag. Questions,
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: name and city. Name and city. Fifth Hour Mailbag. You
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: can find me there. It's very simple. The email address, realfifthhouratgmail.com.
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: That's realfifthhouratgmail.com. Name and city. name and city if you
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: would like credit for your effort to email in to
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: the program. Again, that's realfifthouratgmail.com. On that note, it's off
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: to bed I go. Have a great rest of the
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: day here this Friday, and we will talk to you
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: next time. Bye-bye!
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Bye-bye!