Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 223. Middle School All Over Again 📼 How Divorce Recreates Feelings of Social Anxiety

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223. Middle School All Over Again 📼 How Divorce Recreates Feelings of Social Anxiety · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I know you have a secret actually three secrets and I'm going to walk you through today, with the help of Coach Tiffany, how those secrets are contributing to how safe or unsafe you feel in your divorce recovery journey.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Welcome back, coach Tiffany.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Hi, so we've been chitty chatting about how common it is for women to struggle with feeling like they don't belong and all the ways that that comes out in social situations and in our relationships and friendships, and all the shit when we're walking the path of divorce.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: And wow, there's some juicy stuff here, eh, yeah, and cringy, cringy, cringy stuff, yeah.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: And we've been talking about how this has been a main feature.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: We've been working with our women in our group coaching program a different D word, this issue of not belonging, and how it comes up socially.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: So today you and I are going to unpack for our lovely listeners these three kind of main issues, right?
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Number one the similarities between middle school and divorce.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I hear you have a middle school dance story to share with us.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Oh God, it's so cringy.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, Okay.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then we're also going to sort of like, get into the weeds about how this not belonging thing ends up being developed and then how we reinforce it for ourselves.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Right, we're going to get in the nitty gritty about what's happening inside of us, that this we keep struggling as women with this I don't belong, crap.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Then we're going to get to the only thing that you and I know from personal and professional experience that will help our listeners break the cycle of feeling like they don't belong.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: It is truly the one and only and it's this well-researched, well-documented core thing that all women must do if they want to break the cycle of feeling like they don't belong.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, let's do it.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: So.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Middle school and divorce.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: So my worst experience, or one of them, was it was our first middle school dance and you know I wore a skirt and it was the prettiest skirt and I was so proud of it and I had these little sandal heels and pantyhose and earrings and like all of the things.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: And I remember walking in and everyone was in freaking jeans and everyone was in freaking jeans.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: And the teachers will walk up to me and they're like oh, you look so cute and I knew I made a massive mistake at that point.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And I remember yes, socially.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: And I remember sitting in the corner of the room almost the entire night in the cafeteria next to the teachers because I was so embarrassed and felt so left out and it just like got me off on the wrong foot in middle school.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Like it was terrible.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: So it's so interesting, right?
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Because you, I'm sure you looked adorable, I'm sure your outfit was precious, but it's like that's not how social circles work, right?
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how cute you looked.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: What was painfully obvious is that you were not in, you were out, you were not a part of the conversation where everybody else said, hey, what are you wearing?
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Like you weren't in that conversation, yeah, yeah, and it was like putting it on a billboard and that is the worst feeling in the world.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Right, like that you do.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: You are not on this Island with us, you are off the Island.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which is what it feels like, right, when you're getting divorced and you're used to being part of a family dynamic and a family neighborhood, doing family things or whatever it is couples things, family things, whether you have kids or not, and you're used to being part of a club that has to do with having a partner.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: And I have heard so many men and women describe this to me over the years in my practice about when you are suddenly single, you stop getting invites to things in the way that you normally would.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Sure, you can brunch with the girls on the weekend, but in terms of just being part of a social environment, you lose friends.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: You get left out of things.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: You're not thought of in the way that you know and people almost even want to maybe distance themselves from drama.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: What about kids?
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Like, have you ever had your kids get left out of a play date because maybe someone judged whether or not they were going through it with divorce.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: These are all things right that all of a sudden it's like shit, shit, how did this?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: How am I back in this sort of middle school thing where I'm not in the club and it feels so horrible and I moved away because I know I've talked about this before.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: But as a military wife, you know when you get divorced, and especially if the wife is the one that asks for the divorce and initiates the divorce, you are like poison and your friends will drop you.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I had a couple of very close friends that stayed with me through my divorce, but that was two out of many and we were like a family, and so in the military yeah, so as soon as this happened and I got dropped, it was like I had to move away because I knew I would never be accepted anymore in that world, and so I moved somewhere completely new and just had to start over and had to figure it out, and so, yeah, I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn't belong and I wasn't quite sure where my footing was in the world.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I think that happens so often.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: You know when there are, when there's infidelity or betrayal or addiction or you name it right.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: And then there's gossip and secrets and all the things.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And you feel like you walk in the grocery store and you just know that those women are talking about you over there or you know, in car line and then, yeah, this idea that am I, can I ever even find community here ever again?
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: And for you, that was a hard no, yeah, yeah it was, and I remember I kept my ex-husband's last name.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I still have his last name because it was just easier to have the same last name as my daughter, because people always assumed still that I was married and unless I talked about it, they really didn't know that I was married.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: And unless I talked about it, they really didn't know that.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I was divorced and I just didn't want to have the conversation.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like a little social tactic to not have that.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do remember that being like the name thing being such an agony and that is, it's because of the social implications, right, I remember.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, do I go back to my maiden name?
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Do I keep this name?
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Do I keep it low key, right?
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Wow, so true.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and for the state that we lived in in South Carolina, if you don't share the same last name as your child, every single thing that you do, whether it's school or extracurriculars, you have to produce all of the custodial paperwork, and I just didn't want to do that for the rest of her life, and so I just decided to keep his name, and then it was never a question.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Wow, that's a big deal.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Can you imagine having to move through your child's entire educational experience, having to keep re-producing divorce paperwork?
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It's like that's the definition of not being able to move on and let go, like just having to keep revisit something, that it's like let's let it die already, goodness.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay so, but we're talking about feeling like you don't belong in this sort of social construct that goes on as a result of divorce, right, like like we're pariahs or somehow, right, we got left out of the coolest party in town.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: But the reality is, is that this negative belief I don't belong?
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: It runs deep in people, especially women, I believe, but people in particular, right, and I do think it starts even before middle school, right, and these painful stories.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I think these middle school stories just reinforced for us that right, like we must belong at all costs.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: And I remember that certainly being something that got relieved for me in getting married feeling like I belonged to someone and that I felt safer in that way.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Right, do?
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: you relate to that, like feeling like oh shoot, this feeling of not belonging is finally there's some solution to it.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, and I'm also curious because my parents were never together.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: They split when I was a baby, so I almost wonder if that feeling of not belonging or not knowing your place is more prominent with people who had parents that weren't together, just because you have two different parenting experiences, two different families.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: You resonate with both of them, but not completely with one or the other, and so that's an interesting constant shift, yeah yeah, constant shift for me I think that there's so many reasons that we experience context like that, right, many reasons that we experience contexts like that, right, you know, like, racially, people who maybe are are of a mixed race and you've don't completely belong to this group or you don't completely belong to that group, you know?
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I can think of so many ways in my young life where I felt like I didn't belong.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: You know, my parents moved us from a very, very young age out of where sort of all of our families lived and you know, down to the Florida Keys and and so it's like, well, I knew that was my family, but like I wasn't there, having those experiences with my cousins and aunts and uncles and all this all the time, right, so it was like we were over here on a literal Island.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: But I also remember feeling like I didn't belong with my own parents, right.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I think that that wasn't a conscious thought for me when I was young, but I definitely didn't feel like this, like I was in, right.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I always sort of felt like I was always sort of doing something wrong or, you know, maybe was just in trouble or feeling criticized or whatever.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: I definitely didn't feel this sort of warm sense of belonging in my early childhood days either, and so I think, yeah, that just keeps that not knowing how to belong, not knowing how to just sort of relax and ease into an intimate relationship.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I think that that is something that I definitely built post-divorce for myself, right when I started to get very intentional about working on this deeply held belief that I don't belong.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: And you and I have still been working on this together right as we've been running this community and working with women.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: We brought the quantum healer that we love so much, kate, in for a group quantum session over the holidays with the women in our coaching program and it came up for all of us.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Right, kate addressed that deeply held belief that we don't belong and we all had massive healing responses from that.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, do you remember?
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: Do you remember at all?
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: I can't.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: I can't remember what I felt in my body when she said that.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: But do you remember putting you on the spot?
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: It's okay if you don't.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: As far as like sense of belonging when it comes to the holidays and things like that.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, In that session.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Do you remember when she used those words?
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I just remember she spoke it and I was like, oh, that's what we're all struggling with.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that it's society puts so much pressure on what everything should look like for us, what marriage should look like, what holidays should look like.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I think some of the best holidays that I had with my daughter post-divorce was where I would make hot dogs and shells and cheese and we would go to the movies and walk on them.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: Just do it your way.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: And I think for me the pivotal moment was when I stopped trying to to belong right, like when I stopped trying to assimilate to what everyone else wanted for me in my life, what society felt, and just live in my truth.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: That became so pivotal for me.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Let's dig into that, because a that's what Brene Brown has identified in her research.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: She also, brene Brown, if you follow her at all.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: She she loves Maya Angelou too and she quotes a lot of Maya Angelou's work.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: But she talks about that that, right, we belong everywhere and nowhere, and it's like when we start to belong to ourselves is when we really feel the most deeply belonging and how we can connect with anyone at that point.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, let's dig into that, because that's sort of our second part of the conversation here, right?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Is that?
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: The reason that this gets so reinforced inside of us is because when we have these experiences of feeling rejected when we're younger, then we make these little subconscious deals with ourselves like, well, I never want to get rejected again, so I'm going to sort of mold myself into something that then won't get rejected, right?
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: And what we lose when we mold ourselves into something that appeases or pleases or avoids getting canceled by somebody else is then we start rejecting parts of ourself, right?
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: And so then we start chopping ourselves into little pieces and we're no longer cohesive, we're no longer coherent, we no longer feel a sense of belonging inside of self.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: There are literal parts of our psychology that we exile, we cut off from the pack internally, right, and then we end up having all this noise inside and we never feel a sense of safety, security, belonging again until we start to reconnect those parts right.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I know we have had a lot of really beautiful conversations lately about parts of self and how that truly is.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: The path to belonging with others is belonging to me first, so I love that.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: How the hot dogs and the shells and cheese, that's it.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: That was that for you at that season.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, Just figuring all of that out.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: I wanted so much to belong and, as a young mom all of the other moms in daycare were 10 years older than me we didn't really have a lot to talk about or relate to other than our children.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: We were in very different you know, these moms were dropping their kids off in the Escalades and the Mercedes and the BMWs.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: And here I am in my yellow Dodge Neon, you know and my full work outfit, because I've got to go to work doing three jobs to support her.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: And these moms were like, well, I'm going to the gym or I'm going to the spa.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: I think for me, one of the most memories that was most prominent for me was that my daughter got invited to a tea party that was this full on princess tea party when she was four, at a very affluent friend's house, and I didn't feel confident enough to stay.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: I dropped her off and I left because I didn't want to have to get in this conversation with these women that looked like they had it all together when I was a mess.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Right there, love, yeah, right there.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: I just think that each and every one of us relates to that moment you just shared on some level some way.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Wow, we're all carrying around this pain of feeling like we don't belong, believing that everybody else has their shit together and we don't.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: And PS, let's just call out how mean we are, as women, to each other, because we do judge each other so harshly, and yet we can't continue to judge ourselves so harshly.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: We can't continue to just withdraw and isolate.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Right, divorce is such an isolating experience.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: How do we start to put the pieces together of self-acceptance, you know, finding those parts of ourselves that we reject?
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: How do we get the courage to stay at the party when you know my nervous system is dysregulated?
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: My inner critic is screaming at me like get the fuck out of here.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: How do we, you know like, how do we change that, these decades of rejecting ourselves, rejecting each other?
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Each other?
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I know, I know how I did it post-divorce.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Right I, I joined a lot of groups.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Right, I was in a women's therapy group.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I was in sort of a community healing group.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I went to Al-Anon meetings and shared in in circles.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Right I, yeah, I joined a lot of groups where I did the same thing.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, had to be vulnerable, had to find people to love and accept me.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I think I was craving people that had the same values, morals, interests.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: So, instead of always being the yes girl to attend events that I hated and felt alone and isolated in and not part of the conversation, I started gravitating towards interests that I had slowly started volunteering at animal shelters.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I started.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: I created a girls group at my daughter's school that I led for four years that had to do with confidence building and charity work and, um, I started doing things that were very meaningful to me and, in turn, started meeting people that had similar interests and that I felt like I could truly be myself with and not have to put on a show.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: So you went through the process of, like, creating community for yourself where you could take risks and you know there was going to be some relatability or some alignment.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was so interesting when I joined Al-Anon and therapy, a women's group.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: It's like, in some ways, sharing in an Al-Anon meeting felt safer than sharing in a therapy group.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Right, there's something about strangers versus you were actually talking to my daughter about this recently, because she was having trouble singing in front of us.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: But she can sing in front of strangers.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Right, there's something about strangers versus you were actually talking to my daughter about this recently, because she was having trouble singing in front of us, but she can sing in front of strangers, right, isn't that interesting?
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Because Brene Brown says you can't engineer the discomfort out of vulnerability, and so it's like the more you encounter someone in your day-to-day life, the more uncomfortable it is to tell them your secrets.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but telling each other our secrets is the path to healing, but also it could be the path to getting canceled.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: Both things are completely true, and both things are okay and both things are okay.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and look, I lost a lot of friends and a lot of connections I don't even know if I would call them friends, right Acquaintances over the years when I started really being my true self, and I have felt that the best friendships that I have had post-divorce have been with women that I can have these delicious moments of vulnerability with, where I walk away from these conversations feeling seen, understood and loved for exactly who I am and all of the messy parts, and that's what I think all of us are craving at the end of the day.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: That's what we capital N-E-E-D right Like need.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: We need to be loved and accepted with our less desirable parts, and I didn't learn how to do that with myself, right.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't learn how to approach those parts of myself that I was so ashamed of with love and compassion, until I felt the love and compassion of other women.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: That's what it took, like other women loving on me and me telling them like my deepest, darkest secrets and them saying like, yeah, I get it, it makes sense and I love you and.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: I still want to go to coffee with you and I still want to hang out with you and I still want to be your friend and I still want to be your, you know, do life with you.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: And that's where I learned how to actually approach, you know, the parts of myself that I had rejected with love and compassion.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: I had to have that experience before I could practice it.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: And it's the experience, too, of other women being vulnerable with me that helped me kind of crack myself open.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: And then I found that, when I was sharing these deep, vulnerable parts of myself, and these women were looking at me and going and it was like this beautiful release of like.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: Why is that such a big deal?
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Because we judge ourselves so harshly.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Yes, but it's like, look, I'm not the same person in my forties as I was in my twenties or thirties.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: So you know, when I look back on that time, yeah, I can say that you know.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Things that I did am I proud of not all of them cringy moments, absolutely.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: But the things that I did am I proud of Not all of them Cringy moments, absolutely.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: But the friends that I have now, they don't care about any of that, they really don't.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: And I remember I have a friend that when her and I hang out together, we sit on the couch together and we hold hands, because it's like the universal energy is so strong between us that it's like this is my soul sister, like this is a person that I can be messy with, and she will love me anyway.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: That was my favorite part.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: When I was in Al-Anon, there were a couple of.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: I had a couple of Alamoms I called them, right and these were people who we just had permission to drop into each other's homes and just crawl in bed together on those like dark divorce days, right, where it's like I'm pretty sure everything is never going to get better ever again.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: That's just how it feels some days, right, and it's like to be able to climb in bed with a person who, just like you know, will like, hug you and I don't know, just feel safe and like, okay, I'm not alone and there's a real human here who understands my struggle, and it's such a relief.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, those were some of the probably most healing moments for me, right, those places where it's like nobody has a solution in this moment for this problem.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: The solution is just connection.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it, that seen, heard, understood thing.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's talk for a minute about because this is the answer, right this allowing yourself to be fully seen and to fully see others.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: That is really the key to healing this cycle of not belonging.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Right, we have to do the terrifying work of leaping off the cliff into vulnerability.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: When women are thinking about joining groups post-divorce.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: What do you hear women say?
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: The reasons are that they can't connect or join or do the thing.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Versus what?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: The actual holdback is right, because here we've had this whole conversation today.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: The actual holdback is I am secretly scared to death to reveal myself, but what are some of the excuses, as women, we make for why we can't join?
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: You know time's the biggest one Time.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't have the time.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: I'm a mom, I'm this, I'm that, I'm a caregiver for this person.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: I have to work.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: I have to do this.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: It's a big deflector.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: Money is always the thing.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: You know, but tell me again about your $7 coffee order every day.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: That amounts to how much money a month, right?
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: So I think time and money are probably the big things that people do.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: And also, honestly, just being scared of vulnerability, right, like I don't know that I could do that.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: I don't want to face myself, yeah, like what about the stories we tell ourselves about?
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: how you know, we can't relate right, like no one here is going to be able to relate to my story.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: But like you and your yellow Dodge neon, like these women can't relate to me.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I can't relate to these women.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, or it's like great, this is yet another group that I'm going to enter.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: Then I'm going to be judged again and feel like I'm an outcast and don't belong.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: So, I'm just going to sit on the outskirts Like that's a big thing it's fearful of like further from the truth.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: You know the vulnerability that these women have shown in the past several months with each other, oh, my God, and I think, in turn, us sharing our vulnerabilities with them you know, you and me enjoy, right?
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, because we're still working on it too.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my God, it's still a process.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: So it's like the more vulnerable we can be as a group together and still accept and love each other.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: My God, like that more confidence we all step out into the world having yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, and that's it.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: It's almost like one for one right.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: The more we share vulnerably and experience connection, that directly equates it's a math equation right Like be vulnerable, remain connected equals confidence in the world in myself and in the world.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: It's like that's the ROI right there Put in vulnerability, cash out confidence and this capacity to just say, like I'm going to eat the hot dogs and the shells and cheese and I'm going to fricking rock it.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: And, you know, just being able to be seen and heard too.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: I feel like people when we go through divorce people, they're always waiting for us to have a meltdown.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: They're always waiting for that emotion to come through Right.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: And so we go through our lives in these roles as a daughter, oh yeah, just like.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: No, we're fine, everything's fine, we have it all together.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: It's like the little meme with the dog where all the shit's on fire around him and he's like, no, I'm good.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: But for me it was so freeing to be able to talk to other women and be like I am not okay today, and this is why and to be received and seen and loved and supported, even if they didn't know what to say, like you said.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Just that simple connection of I see you, I love you, I'm sorry You're going through this, I'm here, oh my God, like it was a game changer for me.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: It was like a million pounds were coming off of me and it was just this big sigh of relief to finally be able to be myself in a group of people.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: And for you know, for people to love me and remember who I am when I forget who I am, because I think that that's what my relationship with rejection has been over the years is I've rejected myself in so many ways that sometimes I really lose track of are what other people saying about me.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Is it true or is it not true?
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Right, and so, to have women who can mirror back to me the truth of who I am when I felt lost or untethered in certain ways also invaluable, right, because I can make myself out to be the worst version of myself in my own mind.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: Like man, we can convince ourselves of really wild stuff, and I think that women being able to see all of me, the beautiful parts, remind me of the beautiful parts of myself.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Right, when I'm feeling lost, yeah, like, has really shortened my recovery periods over the years.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: right, Like when, when I get into a slump or to a hole, like no, that's not who you are, Get up out of that hole.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, and having the ability to just text somebody in a moment of weakness and just hear the responses that are coming back of encouragement and love and support, like in that moment, it's exactly what you need.
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: You know, you're not having to wait for days or weeks or periods of time, it's like we're all here for each other right now, in this moment.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, but what about the secrets, right?
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: Because we all have secrets, and I think that that's one of the hardest things for people to acknowledge to themselves and to other women is the secrets.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: What are your thoughts about the healing power of sharing those scary things that lurk in corners, and can we ever truly feel like we belong to ourselves or others unless we've made peace with those things?
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: I don't think so.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: It's surface level.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: You know, what do you want in your life?
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: Do you want acquaintances and friends that you have at a distance?
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: How does that feel for you?
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: For me, it felt unauthentic.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: What's my point, you know?
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: Hey, I'm going to go have coffee with someone.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: So today, cool, we're going to have a conversation, we're going to pretend that I'm OK and everything's great, and it's very like.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: You know, how's the weather and how are the kids?
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: How's your mom's health, how's your?
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: like super vague, like nothing really deeply personal.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: Like no one fucking cares yeah.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Like I want to know how are you Gluten free products in the grocery right Like just the?
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: stuff that's like yeah throw away.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: So I think what I would ask everyone out there is like what do you want in your life?
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: Do you want to continue living this unauthentic?
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: Because for me and my body, it felt tiring, exhausting.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: I was so tired of playing a role in every single part of my life and having surface level.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: What I was craving was this deep connection, understanding.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: So when I was finally able to have a conversation with somebody and say to them this is what I've done, this is what I've experienced, this is what I have been through, and for them to simply put their hand over mine and just be like wow, you know, I'm sorry you went through that.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sharing that with me.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: You're so brave.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God, it was like such a freeing feeling, and I have a small circle nowadays, but my circle is amazing.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: It's no one I have to play a role with or a part.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: These women know who I am.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: They.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: They know that I have good days, bad days and they're here for all of it, all of it.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: So, to our beautiful listeners, who we know have secrets left, if you're thinking about joining a different D-Word, our group coaching program, so that you can have a safe place to go to these deep connection, self-acceptance, vulnerability, you know, get to the bottom of it places, if this calls to you at all, if you know that you've struggled with feeling like you don't belong on and off for most of your life, and that is just highlighted right now, during this middle school, post-divorce phase, this is your warm invitation to hop on our wait list.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: We just recently opened it up and this is a safe place for you to have a small group of women whom you can really learn how to accept yourself and be accepted by others, so that when it's time to date again, you know that you're doing it from a place of confidence.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: You're doing it from a place of I know who I am and I love myself well and I know how to do vulnerability and I know how to create security in my relationships and I know for sure, at the end of the day, that I belong to myself and a group of women who are going to love me unconditionally, imperfectly right.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: There is no such thing as perfection, only accountability and love, and if that at all is something that's calling to you, scroll down to the very bottom of the show notes where you will find our email address.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: Hello at mycoachdawncom, where you can hop on the wait list.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Tell us in just one word right, wait list.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: I want to check out this group coaching program because I know I need to go to these deep places to find this love and acceptance.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Coach Tiffany, thank you so much for talking with me and with the women about right.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: We talked to them about the.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: With the women about right.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: We talked to them about the similar we validated right.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: The similarities between middle school and divorce, about the parts of themselves that they've been rejecting and the path out of that right, the one and only thing that will break that cycle, which is deeply connecting and being vulnerable with one another.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: And thank you for being that person for me in my life that I can say all the things to and you still wanna love me and work with me and do all the things.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: It's magical, very grateful yes it is.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: I'm grateful for you too.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: And so grateful for our listeners, right.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: They listen to our vulnerability too and they take it in and they appreciate us for it, like loves.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: You have no idea the power of your just listening to this podcast.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: Right Creates this energetic community of love and acceptance and you know, as we share vulnerably here with each other and with you and gosh, it's just such a beautiful corner of the internet in my opinion.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Beautiful corner of the internet in my opinion.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: All right, catch you on Thursday for our next Hidden Healing Gem and until then, have a beautiful day.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Peace.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachDawncom.