Latest / Complex Kids, Simple Solutions / You Can't Advocate From Empty: Staying Grounded Through the IEP Process
Transcript
- Michelle Choairy: Hi everyone, welcome back to Complex Kids Simple Solutions. We are very excited for this season. And today we have Rebbe. And I want to, this is gonna be a great one. And I hope that if you have if you have not listened to any of the other podcasts as a mama, I hope that you listen to this one. Okay. All right. Welcome, Rebbe. How's it going? Rebe: Thank you so thank you so much for having me. I'm glad we were finally able to connect. Michelle Choairy: Yes, for sure. Okay, we're gonna get right into it. Okay, so I think that one of the most important things of being a mother is taking care of ourselves. And it's kind of like, you know, you put your o oxygen first before you give your oxen to oxygen to your kids. If you're not well, they're not gonna be well. So I want to talk about that because it looks like you have a lot of info on that. So take it away. Tell us about ending caregiver burnout. Rebe: Yeah. I you know, first and foremost, everything that I teach comes out of like hard one personal experience. I am the mom to two neurodivergent teens myself and really came to this moment of feeling that complete caregiver burnout. We were had been in this year-long fight with my oldest to get his IEP set up and all the, you know, supports that he needed. And then, you know, kid number two comes right behind and lo and behold, has some needs of of his own. And he's actually my, my more complex little kiddo. And I was just at a point where I had abandoned my parking or my my shopping cart in the Target parking or in in Target and had wrestled my kid mid meltdown out into the car. And like he's still screaming, he's flailing, you know, you have to put the elbow in in the the Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: gut to get them like clipped in because he was just he was in that Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: full, you know, fight, flight, meltdown. And there was no reasoning with him. And I remember shutting the car door And having that sense of my own scream bubbling up in my throat and knowing that if I got into the car at that moment, I was not going to act in alignment with who I wanted to be as a parent. And I was not going to make the situation better if I got in totally dysregulated. And I remember thinking, like, I I already had I was in therapy, I kind of had. dabbled in meditation a little bit and thinking, well, maybe I need to look into meditation. And I just kind of gave myself a moment to take a couple of deep breaths and, you know, instinctually that's what I did, and got in the car and white knuckled my way through it. And I remember researching, you know, meditation courses. And this was in 2015. And everything was six months and ten thousand dollars and we you have to have an hour of time every day that you can dedicate to you know to to do this. I was like, what kind of unicorn life is is somebody living here? This that is not Michelle Choairy: Who's gonna Yes, who's gonna be able to do this? Rebe: like I I would need my own wife, you know, to enable like Michelle Choairy: No Rebe: you know, like I we would need a third parent to in a give me that Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: hour of time, right? And I just thought Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: Okay, this is nuts. And so one of the things that I do is when I see that there's a need and it doesn't exist, like I I joke that it's my toxic trait that I go and I build it. And so I got really curious about how could I find self care practices and things that helped me in the moment that I needed it, not in this like, Theoretical extra hour of silence that never existed in my house. And so I started building a toolkit of these practices. And through that exploration, did some deeper studying certifications in the somatic world and in energy healing, and really blended that with the special education advocacy and the community building that I was doing just to support other mamas like me because I could see in my community, in my friend group, that we were all so burnt out and drowning, drowning. And Michelle Choairy: Or drowning Drowning Yes. Rebe: you know, and and it comes back to to even that advocacy piece because I think a lot of us feel like, well, like it's selfish to put myself on the list. It's selfish to care for myself. But especially when our kids are little and they have these extra needs, we are the foundation. We're the foundation Michelle Choairy: We are. Rebe: not only in the home, but as we go to an IEP meeting, as we go into the schools, our nervous system sets the found, you know, that baseline for how effective we're going to be in advocating for our kids. And so Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: the tools that I teach are really about. Making sure that you are showing up for yourself so you can show up for your kids. And it has to come in that order. Like you said, Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: oxygen mask on yourself first, and then Michelle Choairy: Yes, yes. Rebe: for your kids. And it's it's not selfish, it is survival. And it Michelle Choairy: It is. Rebe: you there came a moment when I realized that. I was either going to care for myself or I was going to end up like worse off Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: than my kid was, right? And that I was going to make things worse for the whole family if I let myself go. And you know, it it starts as simple as what I did instinctually in that Target parking lot of just taking two deep breaths. And not letting this Pinterest Instagram real worthy ideal of what self-care should, I'm using air quotes here, look look like. Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: But what how can we distill it down into the minimum effective dose of that practice that still gets you the benefit? But makes it wildly practical and and fits into our our reality that that we have when Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: when we have fourteen extra things on our plate because our kids n need those fourteen extra things. Michelle Choairy: Maybe sometimes it's like thirty-two. But yes, Rebe: For real. There there are seasons. There are seasons, Michelle, for sure. Michelle Choairy: yes, there's no doubt on that. Now, Rebe: Yeah. Michelle Choairy: you know, I I whenever I talk to my mamas, you know, I we Rebe: Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: talk about that. We talk about taking some deep breaths. And sometimes I I I will tell you that I can't tell you how many times I've pulled over to the side of the road and I just had to like sit there, close my eyes, and take some deep breaths because like that anxiety is coming up. I'm grinding my teeth like this. I'm breaking my teeth because I am like, yes, yes. And Rebe: Your shoulder your shoulders are up in your ears. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: this is all tight. I was actually doing this earlier because it's all tight right here. And that's just how we are. And we one of the things that I've noticed with myself is that I feel bad when I take care of myself. So Rebe: Mm. Michelle Choairy: for example, like you know, going to the gym. I feel like if I don't get up at five o'clock in the morning and I go when they are asleep, I am missing out on time with my kids. Does that make sense? Like, that is how messed up moms are. Like, you know, it's just like we are we're in that and we just we're messed up. That's just kind of how it is. Right? But Rebe: I think Michelle Choairy: go ahead. It's okay, she's coughing. She she's having a cough. It's it's all good. It's all good. Yeah. Rebe: I'm so I'm so sorry. Got a tickle in my throat. Yeah, I think Michelle, when we reframe the goal to what is the minimum I can do and still feel good. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Rebe: Then that gives us a different perspective. So, Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: and and and it's more about incorporating the minimum in multiple times a day and weaving it into your day as opposed to feeling like it's something you have to carve out time for. And it's a to-do list. So, with taking Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yes. Rebe: a couple of deep breaths, I like to teach people to habit stack. If you're trying to incorporate a new habit, the research has shown that if you attach the new habit to an existing habit that you already have, you are, I don't know what the statistic is, but you're significantly more likely to maintain and integrate that new habit into your daily routine. So if you are trying to bring some meditation in. And you want to your goal is to spend five minutes in meditation or just listen to a song on your you know on your phone on Spotify or whatever, but you walk the dog every day. When you come home from walking the dog, attach your meditation to that dog walk. So you walk Michelle Choairy: Interesting. Rebe: come in, you know, you put unclip your dog, the dog leash, give him a treat, good boy. You sit down and you listen to one more song in stillness. in silence or you know listening to your song and attach Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: your meditation. For me, I am a tea snob and have my loose leaf tea every Michelle Choairy: Ha ha Rebe: morning. Some people are coffee addicts. For me, it's it's some, you know, an Earl Grey tea in the morning. Doesn't mat Doesn't mat doesn't matter. But but Michelle Choairy: Minus diet doctor pepper. It is so bad. Yes. Doesn't matter. Yes. Rebe: my routine is Come out in the morning, I turn on the lights, the kids are still asleep. I give myself like the 15 minutes before that they're gonna get up because I don't want to get up Michelle Choairy: Yes. huh. Rebe: at five o'clock in the morning. But while my tea is brewing, while the kettle is brewing, I will often just stand at the counter and check in with myself. Give myself the three or four minutes that it takes. And then as I'm pouring that hot water over. my my tea and into the strainer, I'm calling in what I want to feel for the day. And so I'm giving myself this mini mindful moment. Instead of going straight into my phone, instead of, you know, scrolling, doing things that don't fill me up, my routine is tea religiously every morning. And so if I can give myself those three minutes to be like, how did I sleep? How does my energy feel? What do I need today? Do I need to to kick butt and knock out, you know, be productive with my to-do list? Or do I need softness? Do I need to look for pockets of of of extra stillness? Am I feeling emotionally tender? Do I know that I have a stressful meeting coming up or a doctor's appointment for either my aging mother who I care for or for my kids? Okay, how can I support my nervous system? before that interaction so that I am the most effective during that interaction. And so, you Michelle Choairy: Sure. Yeah. Rebe: know, meditation is a part of my daily routine, but in these micro pockets and in a way that is just woven into the fabric of my life, I I I teach this two-breath micro meditation because it's enough Michelle Choairy: Okay. Rebe: to really feel your shoulders drop. And to feel your energy start to settle and to signal to your subconscious and to your nervous system that you can find safety in this moment. And if you repeat that multiple times throughout the day, you get the compound effect of it. So I tell people to call it their stoplight meditation. Every time they're at a stop sign or a stoplight, take two deep breaths. If you're like me and you work from home and I don't have kids in carpool and I'm not running that gauntlet, so I'm not in my car very often. Every time I go to the bathroom, take two deep breaths instead of immediately opening up Instagram or immediately, you know, like opening up my phone and dragging my phone into the bathroom with me. What Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: if you just breathed while you were peeing? Like, how about you care for yourself while you're caring for yourself? Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Well you know Rebe: What a concept. Michelle Choairy: just well the biggest concept there is like can you pee alone? That is the biggest thing when you have a smaller children. Rebe: And the, you know, the the the other thing that in my in my study of meditation, Michelle, that I I thought was really really impactful to me is the there's a story of these two monks, and one is a novice and one is a more of you know a master, right? And so he Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: has gone into the city. the master has traveled on the train into the city in India to pick up this novice and bring him back to the monastery in the mountains. Michelle Choairy: Okay. Rebe: And they you know, of course, as monks, they're traveling in like fourth class. They're they're standing Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: room only on the train and it's chaotic and there's too many people on the train. And this this master was noticing that the novice was getting off the train at every stop and meditating in the train station and then getting back on the train where it was noisy and it was hot and it was crowded and everything. And he did this over the course of several hours, several times, every stop. This novice would get off and and recenter himself. And the master asked him, What are you doing? And he's like, Well, I'm, I'm, I'm practicing my meditation. He said, Why are you getting off the train? And the novice says, Well, it's because it's it's quieter and and I can focus a little bit more. And the master asked him, which situation do you feel like reflects life the most? And the trick is to be able to find that peace in the chaos. It's Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: not to carve out this ideal, you know, this idyllic situation. I can sit down in the middle of my kitchen with nerf darts pelting me and still find that inner calm within me. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: I I was able to find it with my kids still melting down. in you know in the the in the car in the target parking lot as I'm sweating in the St. Louis, you know, heat. And and so, you know, the the goal, Michelle Choairy: Ha ha ha Rebe: Michelle, isn't to again have this hour long trip to the gym, but what does Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: what what is the minimum amount of movement that makes your body feel good? And if that's Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: just walking to the end of the street and back, so that you can say, Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Rebe: I did something for my body. If that's because your child is sick and you can't leave the house, can you stretch while you're just sitting on the couch? While Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: they're they're playing? You know, can you get down on the floor with your child and while they're playing, stretch just a little bit? Michelle Choairy: Just stretch. Yeah. Rebe: So, so this this minimum effective dose, I had a coach who who introduced me to that concept and she called it taking your meds, right? We we talk about with our kids, like take your meds. Well, Michelle Choairy: Yes. Rebe: can you? What in in your life can you make simpler and boil it down to this minimum effective dose? And if you have the energy and you have the morning for a half an hour meditation or an hour long class at the gym, love that. Go do it, soak it up, enjoy it, enjoy Michelle Choairy: Enjoy it. Yes. Yes. Rebe: it with no guilt. But if it's a day where you're hectic. Giving ourselves the permission to make it ugly, make it simple, make it, you know, not aesthetic, right? That like, well, I wouldn't put a picture of this meal on the internet, but you know what? We're all fed and it Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: was nutritious and nobody's complaining. Done. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. And you you you you got the basics done. Yes. Yeah. Rebe: Right, exactly. So what's the minimum that helps my, you know, helps my nervous system? What's the minimum that helps my body? What's the minimum for my nutrition? And it maybe it's not eating vegetables, but maybe it's like adding veggie like powder to my smoothie in the morning or something, right? Like that, like let simple Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Rebe: count. And I think that goes so far towards helping that caregiver burnout, because there are things Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: we can't. negotiate on, there are things that we can't delegate, there are things that we can't put off. But Michelle Choairy: Yeah, yeah. Rebe: if we can Take the job or the task of caring for ourselves and let it be so simple, then it's it's easier to to at least maintain a level instead of feeling like you're constantly being depleted. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. You know, one of the things that I really like and I mean I I haven't been able to take my kids to to the to their therapy for a while just because of my job and and schedules. Rebe: Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: But when I did I, you know, you can you can go in with them, you can do that, but usually you go in in the beginning, you kind of get that, and then you know, like let's say speech therapy, you know, you just drop them off, go either out in the living in the weight room or go in your car, spend thirty minutes doing something for yourself. Read a book, do some deep breaths, listen to some good music, because it is really Rebe: If the weather's nice, walk the parking lot, right? Like walk, walk around the outside of the building while listening Michelle Choairy: Hard. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: to one of my favorite ways to meditate is actually a moving meditation while walking. So instead of listening to another podcast or trying to learn something, no knock against podcasts. Obviously, we love podcasts. But you know, instead of like instead of trying to make it Productive, right? Where I'm gonna answer emails or I'm gonna whatever. But Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: I ha I have a a playlist where it's just music that reminds me to come back to home to myself, that calms Michelle Choairy: Calms me down. Yeah. Rebe: me down, that feels supportive. If you're religious, it could be, you know, a part of your spiritual tradition, whatever supports you. It doesn't have to be chanting and you know, gongs and stuff, but whatever, you know, feels supportive Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: to you. And that is the first thing that I will listen to 15, 20 minutes on my walk. And then I can blast, you know, Jay-Z or Taylor Swift or, you know, whatever it else, Beyonce, right? Like whatever, whatever you like, Kenny Chesney Michelle Choairy: Beyonce Shakira. Rebe: or totally like love that. Like Michelle Choairy: Yes Yes. Rebe: rock out. But I take those first 15, 20 minutes of my walk to to Michelle Choairy: Just for Rebe: To to support my soul and to let it be a moving meditation, or I do it in silence. I do the the first Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: lap of my walk in silence and just give my brain a chance to not have input in it because I think that's that adds to that overwhelm. And especially as you know, moms in this area, I I'm always like, you know, I I follow a lot of creators who are adults on the spectrum because my child doesn't have the language yet to explain to me his experience and I Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Yep. Rebe: am not on the spectrum. And so to, you know, I'm trying to like gain that understanding and I'm always, you know, reading the new article and like I just feel like it's you we can get wrapped up in needing more information instead of like giving our brains a break from the input. Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: And like you said, if you can find that time of okay I've dropped them off or I'm stuck in carpool or or whatever it is. Instead of scrolling Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: the phone, how can I take this tiny little pocket of time and do something that supports my nervous system instead Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: of adding more stress onto it? Michelle Choairy: Yeah. You know, you you hit the points, like really on like not how do you do this simply like it it has to be simplified for for us moms and I think that we and we talked about this too is the guilt that comes with it Rebe: Mm. Michelle Choairy: from the mom right like I I that is something that I feel all the time like I just feel that guilt but we shouldn't right we shouldn't Rebe: So I I I I like Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: to think about guilt as like I I I want to pressure test that guilt for just a second. So when we think about feeling guilt, feeling guilt implies that I have done something wrong Michelle Choairy: Wrong. Rebe: or out of alignment with who I am and what's true for me and my family. And so if I have done one of those things, those two things, then it's appropriate for me to feel guilt. Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Rebe: But if I am caring for myself, Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: that is neither wrong nor out of alignment with what's best for me or my family. And so I would invite your listeners to think about and and and yourself to to sit with that feeling and say, is it really guilt that I'm feeling, or is it judgment? that I'm, you know, perceiving from somebody else Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: or that I'm I'm judging myself. Is it Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: you know, is is it discomfort? Is it my child's discomfort that's making me uncomfortable? If you know you're having to say I can't do this for you because I'm going to go do this for myself. But like our Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: kids learn through discomfort. And so if we take away their discomfort and take on their discomfort, then we're robbing them of those learning opportunities. So I I just want to pressure test that idea of feeling Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: guilt and and and zooming out and going, okay, am I doing something wrong? Michelle Choairy: You are so right. You are so right. It's not wrong to take care of myself. It's not wrong Rebe: It's not. Michelle Choairy: to go to the gym. if you can't go at five o'clock in the morning, you know, it's it's okay. and Rebe: It's okay. Michelle Choairy: and I yeah, I I like that. I think it's a a little bit of judgment on my on my end. It's you Rebe: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: know what People looking at it and going, how do you allow yourself to do this when you know your children are at home? And so yeah, I I I get it. I I love that, you know, it actually just made me think about that. Like it and it is. It's not guilt that I'm feeling. It's more of Rebe: Yeah. It's not right. Michelle Choairy: a judgment. Yeah. Well, you've solved my problem. Rebe: Honestly, I you're welcome. Michelle Choairy: You have solved my problem today. Yes. Rebe: My work here is done. My work here is done. Yeah. Well, and and even even taking another, you know, think just about that that judgment piece, Michelle, of if someone is judging you for doing that, the underlying emotion that they are probably feeling is jealousy that you've given yourself permission to do it because they wish they had permission to do it, that they'd given themselves permission to care for themselves. And so it's not about Michelle Choairy: That's a good point. Rebe: you're a bad mother. It's that I don't feel like I have permission to care for myself because somebody else has told me that I'm a bad mother Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: if I care for myself. And Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: I I also think about what am I teaching my kids if they see me, if they Michelle Choairy: That is such a good point. Not taking care of yourself. Rebe: not taking care of myself, because if I have a girl, I'm teaching them that this is what? mothers, good mothers do. And if I have a boy, I'm teaching him that that's what he should expect. Even, you know, whether for himself Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: or or from, you know, a his wife, should he, you know, have a partner at some point. And so Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: I think, you know, the liberating ourselves from From expectations that don't actually serve anybody, you know, it not not only heals Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. It makes sense. It Rebe: us, but it it it gives a better example for our kids who who need Michelle Choairy: For yes. Rebe: who who you know who learn by seeing and and then by doing. And they Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: they need permission to care for themselves too when they're feeling Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: stressed. Michelle Choairy: Yeah, 100%. Okay. So we're Rebe: Yeah. That's right. Michelle Choairy: getting towards the end. And I kind of feel like we have more stuff to talk about. So we might have to have a part two. But but I think that you know, at the end of this the the podcast, I always ask if there's one thing that you want The parents who are listening, you know, to us, our listeners, what do you want them to come out with from today? What's the most important thing? Rebe: Mmm, let it be simple. Let it be simple. When when you're caring for yourself, when you're you're planning something for yourself, when you're even deciding how to make your bed, right? Like, like how can we make these things simpler? Do I need 40 pillows that I have to spend 10, you know, 10 minutes Michelle Choairy: Ha ha Rebe: putting back on the bed? Like it might look great, but like does it and but you know, again, you pick you pick. What what's important to you, right? Like Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: to me, I can walk by the dirty dishes in the sink and it doesn't phase me. Like I'll get to them. Like, but I but like Michelle Choairy: Yeah. not me. Rebe: but like walking into my bedroom, like I want to see Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: my my my bed made, but I have a duvet and no top sheet. So all I do is shake the duvet out and my bed is made. So it takes me 10 seconds to do something that makes me feel good for the rest of the day. So how Michelle Choairy: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Rebe: can you make the things that matter to you even simpler? Whether we're talking about self-care or Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: repeating the same meals, you know, week in and week out, because you're just in that busy season. And Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: so finding two week-long menus and rotating them until everybody's sick of it, Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Rebe: but just let it let it be simple, especially when we're Michelle Choairy: Simple. Rebe: in survival mode, when we're in this season of feeling burnt out, we have to. Dial back to that simplicity so that we can start to build some capacity to to manage what life is throwing at us. Let it be simple. Michelle Choairy: Let it be simple. I like that. Thank you for coming. Thank ever thank Rebe: Absolutely. Michelle Choairy: you everyone for listening. So we will have everything on the show notes so they can reach out to you because this is actually very, very interesting. And I like I said, I think we're gonna probably have to have part two and we'll we'll talk about that a little bit later. But everyone, thanks for listening. We will see you next week. Bye-bye.