Latest / The Vincere Project / Episode 16. Compliments Before Apologies
Transcript
- Vince: Alright. We're back. We're back at it. Running late. Messed up the schedule this week. Whole bunch of stuff going on. sometimes meetings you gotta re-prioritize shuffle and things are not gonna be perfect. I get home last night and I'm like, hey, I'm gonna record in the evening, and I'm not, I'm not. The journal entries in the morning are like roses are red, violets are blue, the world is optimistic and hopeful. By the end of the day, I'm like seek and destroy, death and destruction, like Get the AC one thirty on station and just like burn it all down to the ground. but I mean that that's that's that's healthy exhaustion, right? Like you're you're moving, you're getting physical fitness in, you're working through issues, trying to solve problems, meeting clients, working and supporting your family, trying to explain to Mary why she can't be on the podcast this week and it was never part of the plan. She needs her own podcast. Or maybe I'll have her guest podcast when I don't feel like doing it or I can't get to it. Just have her jump on, hit hit go and Go. We got some new lights in here. Aunt Jamie messed us up. They're from China, and I don't know how to change the colors to make it magenta to bring out my my nose thing right there that I got from wrestling with my son. If you're listening, obviously you can't see it, but another snout shot. I got a big snout, it's been in the way before. Yeah. Got a big snout. Been broken before. Took a few shots to it. But we're here now. We're here. No apologies for any of that. We're gonna talk about apologies today. I think that's something that and I think in good counseling and therapy in my practice, it comes up regularly. Every every every client somewhere in their storyline or narrative is going to have to apologize to someone, someplace, something, somehow, at some point in their story. More I would say most often it's themselves, but alternatively. I gotta make amends for some stuff sometimes and not everybody's excited about offering and receiving and and giving apologies and and forget about it before we even escalate and get to the point of forgiveness or that thing, that abstraction. apologies are usually where it stops. So but you know who owes us an apology as Americans is the men's national team. Like, dude, how do you come off of Fourth of July and like lay a brick? I don't know the first thing about soccer, but I think I think I think when you show up, man, y y you know, there's a effort energy kind of thing, and and I get it, I don't know enough about soccer. It's it's America's number five, six, or fifteenth sport, right? So you're getting the B players that that live otherwise elsewhere. Like if our best athletes played soccer, it just wouldn't be fair, right? That that's the reality of it. neither way, right? After July fourth and then you throw up a brick. I mean, that's kind of embarrassing. but Junior Soprano it, man, they never had the makings of varsity athletes, right? So psh adios. Get some people in there that can perform. That's that's what I say, right? That's that's how you gotta look at it, right? 'Cause it's global, right? You're representing the big show. I don't know. That's my stuff. But man, enough time, attention, sleep, and definitely enough energy on the men's national team because it's it's not particularly interesting in the in the storyline of what wanna share today. But I I don't even know if what I'm gonna share is interesting, right? So sometimes I'm I'm I ponder that and question that. But the good thing is because I'm stubborn and naive and ignorant, I just wander through life and roam through. I'm still here. I'm still alive and and I'm gonna keep going. So that's that's what we're gonna do. And you know, what I wanna reference is for me is man, I when you work in the helping professions, a lot of people that gravitate to the helping professions, they have had a history, they've had an experience, they've been through something difficult or something that hurt them. the way I teach it to my grad students is like typically by the time somebody has committed to becoming a social worker or licensed professional counselor, something has brought them to their knees and made them either not want to be alive or cry to the point that the pain hurt that much. Disappointments, guilt, shame, embarrassments, fear responses, neurobiology, physiology, i you know, all the stuff interconnected. But oftentimes it comes down to their experiences with other two-legged creatures on the face of the earth. Right. And so one of the the best ways that we know how to communicate is verbally, right? And and that's why it is the the primary way humans t tend to communicate. It's not the only way, and it's definitely not limited to because we are incredibly complex creatures. However, for the most part in terms of psychotherapy, counseling, social work and and human human helping human services and the helping professions, is done typically verbally and were long form and written. So the podcast is just another extension of that work. And when we think about it, we think about our stories and our experiences and the highs and lows of what that is. So one person that I I think of when it comes to apologies, and it was a just a profound conversation, just very really rewarding, is early in my career, I was helping to run the outpatient program in the evening. And at that point, You know, it's a wide range of clients dealing with a whole series of issues from you know, social issues, employment issues, cognitive issues, addiction issues, trauma issues, phase of life stuff, all of it comes together. but substance abuse was generally what got the folks through the door in that particular program. And during that period I met, you know, this this young woman, Anna, right? And you know, she's a social worker. And at that point she was interning starting her career. Excuse me. And She you know she had a history like everybody, just like myself, right? And you come to that room and you know, I I disclose some of it along the way and typically did not at that time. I was just, you know, I was in a corporate space, so I didn't have the freedom to just say whatever the F I want any given day. Whereas now I do and I have some handlers that guide and counsel that people advise, especially with a podcast, right? Because there's limitations and there's ethical things and responsibilities that I have beyond the scope of whatever I think and feel, right? However, strong counselors get to have strong convictions. And I definitely have strong convictions, hence the crooked nose that you see on the screen or I'm telling you about while you're listening. And and so me and I are working together and she's doing a great job, right? Like in in, you know, setting boundaries, learning the skills, sorting through her own stuff, and you know, along the way, one evening her and I are having the conversation and working through some stuff with some clients, but something she said, and this is the power of journaling, 'cause this was years ago, I think twenty seventeen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I don't know, a long time ago. And You know, she said, like, you know, what I wanna just tell clients sometimes is I hate that you feel like you have to apologize. Man, I hate that you feel like you have to apologise. You know, and anybody that's ever had to offer an apology or received an apology, it can be a flood of all sorts of emotions and feelings and Uncertainty because two things. One is hey, I know what that person said or did, right? And they attempted to hurt me or offend me or disrespect me. And and if you're aware of it, right, barring an impairment or whatever, you become aware of it, and then there's nothing to do about that, or it is to escalate it and raise the conflict. And so if you think about this kind of conflict where there's a something or a transgression or an action direct or indirect that's been that has occurred. has created this incident or this perception of disrespect. There's three levels to that particular game. And what I offer with my students and then I reflect with my clients and counseling is encouraging people to get consideration to simplifying things of this nature with a mental model. And the first part is number one, is be graceful in receiving that apology. Especially if you're unaware of it and it was it didn't even matter to you. You didn't even know it was going on. Because that's that person's projection of whatever they felt that they did. Their moral compass was off, it was an indiscretion, drugs or alcohol were involved, never excuse by the way. Or circumstances played a role where they they they they behave in a way inconsistent with how they see themselves, right? Sometimes high character requires people to apologize. It doesn't mean you need to accept that apology, though, and that's the magic in all of it. Right? And for me I tend to just be graceful in that if it comes up, if I know or I don't know. The second level is that you do know and you're aware somebody said something smart, right, in front of a group, in your absence, to other people, whatever it was that was disparaging about you, your spouse, your children, the way you look, the way you walk, the way your kids look, the your dog, your neighbors, your country, your ethnicity, whatever. Those are level two things, and I think level two things in many cases, right? They may require an action or something to say. Do, but they're definitely information to make a decision on. I find that level two things are often best handled in private via email, phone call, in person. but if somebody doesn't apologize for a level two thing, it tells you everything you need to know about that relationship, especially if you're aware of it. Right? And then there's level three things. And I'm not encouraging anybody that hears this, or no, I'm definitely never encouraging a client, but I do think it is fair to state that a level three thing, level three things end up in courtrooms, the criminal type, not civil. Civil's lawsuits, insurance companies, ensuing. Like that's mildly interesting. It ends up in a criminal court, right? That's a level three thing. the next level would be in surgery in an emergency room, and then the last part would be the morgue. Right? Those are level three games. And when we're thinking about human beings, right, and we get to that point, and this is back to the point about Anna, the people we were serving at the time, some of these people had killed people, some of these people had stabbed people, shot people, raped people, some of these people were sexual predators, some of these people were child molesters, some of these people had robbed banks, some of these everything, the the laundry list of all of it, right? Yet in the site, in spite of all of that, right? Anna and I agree that most of these men and women were just folks that needed a hug and they never learned that they were allowed to be good. And ironically, Anna, just like myself, has a history, and so we look at it through the lens of people that empathize with it at a high degree to understand that, like, yeah, you introduce drugs and alcohol to somebody that's a drug addict. Like they are capable of all sorts of things, right? And the consequences of that are where the apologies and forgiveness come in, especially if somebody chooses recovery or chooses sobriety. Especially when there's been extreme emotional distress and or duress a at times, right? And what I what I would say is, you know, you have to reverse that too. I hate that I have to apologize to this person. And that's if you feel something. and then there's gonna be situations and circumstances where that person's not gonna want to receive that. There's no amends to be made and they move on. Yet I would just advise for most people when it's level one and level two games, it's to let it roll off your shoulders as if it never happened. It is to make a note and never forget, though, that that's where that person's categorized you is because they felt safe enough to say or do that in their own story. All right. Now, if you're spiteful like me, what you do is just make a mental note and then you add them into the storyline wherever you are, and you wait till they put their guard down, long period of time after that, and and then you do some reminding, right? And that's a way to do it, right? I haven't outgrown that yet, and I'm petty like that. Public humiliation does work if you need to do that at times, embarrassment or things of that nature. And or just randomly showing up at a Wawa that's in that person's neighborhood, right? Just to let them know that you know, that I know that you know this is everybody's favorite Wawa, right? And so I'm not encouraging any of that behavior to get to that point. But I think categorizing when an apology comes about where there's a sensation or feeling that I have to apologize or somebody's apologizing to me, is to just be graceful in accepting that and be willing to offer a contrition if it's necessary. Alternative to that is where we don't want sad faces and apologies aren't nearly as fun in my experience. I prefer to give and receive compliments. I have found and clinically in cognitive processing therapy specifically, that is a big portion of it that is done for about a month on the back end of a full protocol, right? And so when somebody's made the commitment to go through a cognitive processing therapy protocol and they get to a week like eight, nine, ten, right, because they've been working on their trauma now for nearly two and a half, three months straight. The clinician trained in it such as myself or in your local area, wherever you are. By session 9, 10, 11, 12, we've flipped over and turned over to a side that is focused on being complimentary to everyone and anyone that's out there in the world. And to give and receive compliments is a lot trickier than people think. And in my estimation, in my estimation, giving one compliment a day is primes us to seek excellence and look for virtuosity, those wonderful performances. It could be something as simple as a gas station attendant or somebody somebody at the clerk at the store or it could be somebody at the UPS shop, it could be somebody when you're out shopping for a vehicle at at whatever location that you prefer, whatever the thing is. But when somebody's passionate, right, and they're creative and they deliver that performance and they care and they're joyful and then they're in a process, it's complimentary to the environment. It's not even about you at that point. In in for us to give a compliment to recognize recognize what's going on in that space is how we establish our relationship. That's where the mirror neurons fire and that connection happens. So it's like this when we see it, because it just feels good. It's like beauty and excellence. When I see it, I know it, I hear it, right? If I taste it, my food, if I smell it, that perfume or shampoo Mary was wearing on deployment, right? That is part of that. But when I zoom way back into priming myself to be open to the compliments that I'm going to offer and give to the world and making myself open to receiving compliments. And the tricky and ugly part of that is that sometimes people don't want to give and receive compliments. So if you can challenge yourself to give one compliment a day, unsolicited, right? And it can't always be the same person, though your friends and family are a wonderful start, I think that is a a good way to go about life. I would also add that some people aren't gonna want to receive the compliment because they're not complimentary. And then you just have more information about that's a sad face. I don't need to interact with that particular person ever in any way, shape, or form. But I think You know, as a rule to support apologies, right? Because I hate that you have to apologize. That means you were safe enough to do whatever you did, and now you're apologizing. I don't kind of gross. Like wipe it off, right? You flip it over to the other side and then you get to a phase of life and you're like, Yeah, like I'm just gonna be generous with my money and ruthless with my time. Right? And that's not me. That's that's that's a worm buffet thing. And I want to give him credit, right? Because I think that's profound. Generous with money and ruthless. With time. And I have found the more ruthless I've gotten with my time in this lifespan, the better my life has got. It's gotten even more profitable. It's gotten even more peaceful. it's just gotten better overall. Just gotten better overall. Man, anything else? Go over my notes. Man, pre-July 4th, and this is what I forgot to mention. Man, coaching, trainings events side, super exciting, man. Wyatt put up a bronze medal at the X Games, dude. So proud, man. So excited. Just a good young dude, man. Just doing great stuff. And you know, I I I'm I'm impressed. I'm impressed, man. Freaking X Games, bronze medalists at the X Games, dude. Just all the visualization and work and the coaching stuff, man. You know, some people don't need the deep dive into all the emotions and behaviors and anxiety and depression and trauma. Some people just need some excitement for that visualization of what they're trying to create. And I think I feel like that tarpens on the edges of our capacity and capability, whatever that is for you. So Yeah, stop apologizing. Start giving more compliments. And definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely stop apologizing to yourself. Right? Maybe the only apology is like, hey, I I apologize to my old self for allowing myself to think that it was okay to think and behave and act in particular ways. or maybe forgive that person as well, right? 'Cause they didn't know, right? But then next page, right, by the end of this podcast, you're gonna start considering like, hey, who do I gotta give a compliment to today? From the heart and soul. And be okay with it being rejected. The sooner you're accepting of the fact that's gonna be rejected, it works. But if you're a dude or dudette, right? Generally, especially for dudes, pretty women like to smile. Women in general like to smile. and as a good rule, right, like my grandfather said, it's like, let me just make all the ladies smile as much as you possibly can. The data just fills in the blanks for you. I was in eighth grade. He was a hundred percent right. That is played out over and over again. I mean, so yeah, make the ladies smile. That's a good thing to do. Just just feels right. It's the right thing to do, right? That's somebody's daughter, somebody's spouse, wife, grandma, not in a gross way or perverted or stare-down way. Just be kind, polite, right? Give a compliment to a dude. Right? Hey man, look at muscles over here. Dude's jacked. Right? People like that compliment. They care. They know, right? Hey man. Right? But compliment them, not their stuff. Their stuff, their things, right? Like. That's that's like that's low-value mindset. Man. I love that you're so into this thing, but the process is really what I want to know, right? I'm selfish like that. People people are generous with that. But yeah, give and receive compliments. Generous with your money, ruthless with your time. I think we're doing good for today. for all you that were disappointed Mary wasn't on. She'll be back at some point. I don't know. I still I don't know. She still owes me money for the last one. All good. That's my story. Alright. We made it. That was 17 minutes too long. Two minutes too long. We're okay. We're we're back on track though. Mary out there just running her mouth all day. Do long kind of messing things up, messing up my podcast flow. Lighting's better though, and Jamie's gotta get the panels up. Gotta log on to the app to figure out how to frig with these lights. I don't know. That's not a curse. I'm not paying anything to anybody. yeah, July 4th. It was awesome. Men's team let us down. Wyatt put up a bronze medal. It's awesome. He's better than the men's team. Exciting. HR stuff. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm done. I'm rambling.