Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Navigating the Helicopter-Parenting Tightrope | Ep. 90

Transcript

Navigating the Helicopter-Parenting Tightrope | Ep. 90 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Greetings to all you amazing moms, dads, and caretakers out there, and a warm welcome to the Parenting podcast.
• 0:16
  Today we're tackling a subject that can often be elusive, even with the best intentions.
• 0:24
  It's that subtle dance between being a wonderfully involved parent.
• 0:29
  And, well, teetering on the edge of helicopter parenting, sometimes that's just a fine line to recognize.
• 0:40
  I'm your host, Cheryl Lang, and in this episode, our recording team opens up about some of our own experiences to help you spot those helicopter tendencies.
• 0:51
  And discover a balanced approach that helps bring deeper insights into how this parenting style impacts both us and our kids.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Well, it's a little unique how I got the subject for what I'd like us to talk about today.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: So usually it's the parent that comes and asks me, um, uh, what about this?
• 1:27
  Cheryl: What do you think?
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Would you give me some input on this?
• 1:31
  Cheryl: But in this case, almost every time, it is not the parent.
• 1:36
  Christie: Interesting.
• 1:37
  I've been approached by teachers, by friends, by church staff, by sports coaches.
• 1:46
  By spouses and even by the children themselves, you know, I think it might be a little bit like bad breath But the only person who doesn't recognize it is the one with the issue it's helicopter parenting.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:06
  Christie: Yeah, I feel like that one's on the watch list of words of parenting, and it's the one we've tried to stay off of.
• 2:12
  Christie: Because
• 2:12
  Cheryl: I think, you know, as I've thought about it and when I see it, where I struggle myself or someone else struggles, I don't think you always see it.
• 2:22
  Cheryl: Right, yeah.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: So, uh, how about if we talk about that today?
• 2:26
  Cheryl: You know, the concept and then explore it, won't you?
• 2:29
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Did everybody take their breath mints before?
• 2:33
  Ellen: Yeah, you don't want to be the helicopter mom with bad breath.
• 2:35
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Because
• 2:37
  Cheryl: then your
• 2:37
  Christie: breath stinks.
• 2:40
  Christie: At least my kids would say that.
• 2:41
  Christie: Right.
• 2:42
  Christie: Well, and then you would give them a list of ten reasons why they should correct their elders and say rude things.
• 2:48
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, helicopter parenting, I feel like I've been on a, um, Evolutionary journey with helicopter parenting in my years of parenting, I think the beginning, that's all I could do.
• 3:00
  Christie: I mean, I, I was so fear driven, like most new moms and just really wanted to do everything right.
• 3:07
  Christie: And, and just wanted to hover and, and, and it's overwhelming.
• 3:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:12
  Christie: And, you know, I, I think there were a lot of things that I knew I didn't want for my kids and I thought I'll just come up with the best plan and then make them execute it.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: Doesn't that sound wise?
• 3:26
  Cheryl: And that's what's really...
• 3:30
  Cheryl: I would say it's a little bit like maybe someone who struggles with their body image and an eating disorder, that the goal is really nice.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: They have a desire to have a slim, attractive looking body.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: But they're approaching it in an unhealthy way.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Because the things you're saying, any parents I've known, that I, if I were to categorize as helicopter, uh, myself, my motivation was really good.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Or unrealistic.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: That's
• 4:04
  Ellen: true.
• 4:05
  Ellen: That's true.
• 4:05
  Ellen: It's meant from a good place, but sometimes it's
• 4:08
  Christie: just really unrealistic.
• 4:08
  Christie: Well, it was good because it was ideal.
• 4:11
  Christie: Ideal is not realistic.
• 4:13
  Christie: And we've talked about
• 4:14
  Ellen: this, Christy, before.
• 4:15
  Ellen: If you haven't come from a healthy background, I think you tend to be more idealistic.
• 4:19
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Because you're like, I don't want that to happen to my kids, or I don't want to be this kind of parent, right?
• 4:24
  Ellen: So then in your head, you make up all these rules and ideas, create a formula, right, that you want to impart on your
• 4:31
  Cheryl: children.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Okay, so tell us a little bit about you.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: How did that actually work out?
• 4:36
  Cheryl: What did that look like in your parenting?
• 4:38
  Ellen: Well, I think there were things that my mom, who was the main parent did.
• 4:44
  Ellen: Um, she was very, very controlling, so I didn't want to be that controlling parent.
• 4:50
  Ellen: Now, I think my kids would say I was controlling in some ways, but my kids also knew my parents, so they knew I was not.
• 4:56
  Ellen: Right.
• 4:56
  Ellen: You would still make
• 4:57
  Christie: progress from where you came from.
• 4:58
  Christie: They knew that.
• 4:58
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: They had made comments on many occasions when they'd been around their grandparents for a while.
• 5:03
  Ellen: So, and I say, my parents aren't here any longer, so I'm not trying to disrespect them, but they just were very controlling.
• 5:11
  Ellen: And so I tried really hard not to be controlling, and fortunately my husband was a good balance for me, because he would remind me.
• 5:18
  Ellen: In addition to my children, you know, you're being a little over controlling on that one.
• 5:23
  Ellen: So, that was always a check, you know, to have to think
• 5:27
  Cheryl: of that.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Because you're the pendulum.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: That was too much.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: I'm going to go the opposite direction because I didn't like that.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: What about you, Christy?
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Well, I'm
• 5:34
  Christie: just thinking, you know, I was a child of the 80s and 80s, 80s parenting is kind of characteristic of being a little negligent.
• 5:41
  Christie: You know, we rode in the back of trucks.
• 5:43
  Christie: and drink from the water hose and I heard a comedian the other day talking about how they actually had on the television at 10 p.
• 5:49
  Christie: m.
• 5:49
  Christie: Do you know where your children are?
• 5:51
  Christie: They had to remind people they had children and and so yeah I think I just really wanted to be such an attentive parent that I went overboard on attending to every single detail to help me feel like I wasn't being negligent.
• 6:06
  Christie: And it felt good in the beginning, you know, it felt like, Oh, this is what good moms do.
• 6:11
  Christie: They care about every single little
• 6:13
  Ellen: detail and how they're going to develop under my skillful hands.
• 6:18
  Ellen: Yes.
• 6:19
  Christie: Because I tell them everything to do.
• 6:20
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:21
  Christie: But then you just.
• 6:21
  Christie: Burn out.
• 6:22
  Christie: You get exhausted and you realize this is not humanly possible.
• 6:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:27
  Christie: Yeah,
• 6:27
  Cheryl: you know, it's just so hard.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: Parenting is just hard.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: And look at this.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Best of motives, and it's still a struggle.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: And I want to say that from the get go here.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: with our parents.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: If you identify with some of the things we're going to talk about, we're not saying it to slam
• 6:49
  Christie: you or shame you.
• 6:50
  Christie: We're saying we've been there.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: We are just saying we're going to try and get to a place of where we talk about what maybe a little balance looks like and it's just hard.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: It is.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: And so we're not even questioning your motives.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: We're just saying this is a
• 7:05
  Christie: struggle.
• 7:05
  Christie: Right.
• 7:06
  Christie: Well, and like I said, it's been an evolution for me because you're always entering a new phase of parenting.
• 7:11
  Christie: So here I'm just maybe a few steps into this having young adults as kids.
• 7:16
  Christie: And so I'm always hearing from you ladies, what is a healthy balance and how much to call and how much to say this or that.
• 7:22
  Christie: And so it really is, like you said, we're coming from a place of empathy, of knowing.
• 7:28
  Christie: It's just every phase, every child, it's always hard to know what the healthy balance
• 7:31
  Ellen: is.
• 7:32
  Ellen: That's why I always say, I've never been in this phase of my life before, so it's all, you know, and people tend to look at you, especially if you're a little older, like, you know, you might have this vast knowledge, but I've never been.
• 7:43
  Ellen: quote, a senior, other than in high school, you know, um, at this point.
• 7:48
  Ellen: So everything's new.
• 7:50
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Ellen: You know, how does that work?
• 7:51
  Ellen: So
• 7:51
  Cheryl: they had high schools when you were young.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: And
• 7:55
  Ellen: I had to walk
• 7:56
  Christie: 20 miles in the snow.
• 7:58
  Christie: That's right.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: You know, so Alan, you're military, so you probably know this.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: Helicopters are really noisy.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: But some helicopters have whisper mode.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: Okay, and they can have sort of like what owls do.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: They have a special thing that's very silent, the way the rotors turn.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: And so I think it can be a little bit like that with helicopter parenting.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: That it's a little subtle and we don't realize that we're buying into it.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: So how about if we try to define what we're talking about?
• 8:29
  Cheryl: To say, well, kind of, this is what it's, what it is, and then maybe some of the characteristics that make it not a healthy way to parent.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Well,
• 8:38
  Ellen: you know, I think we all start in the beginning doing that, you know, you have the helicopter mom who when the little kids learning to walk, they instantly jump when they fall.
• 8:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:52
  Christie: Well, even before.
• 8:53
  Christie: The baby's here.
• 8:54
  Christie: You know, you're pregnant and you're researching car seats and researching Yeah.
• 8:58
  Christie: You know, bedding and, and every product you're gonna buy and you have a philosophy and opinion on everything.
• 9:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: And then, well, that's because what you read and the input is Right.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: Do all these things.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: So your child can flourish.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: So you, so you'll be a good
• 9:13
  Ellen: mom.
• 9:13
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:13
  Ellen: Yes.
• 9:13
  Ellen: Because if you didn't.
• 9:15
  Ellen: do those, then your friends are all going, Oh, you didn't research the sheets.
• 9:19
  Ellen: Those have such and such, you know, at some point it's insane, but you know, it can
• 9:25
  Christie: be like that.
• 9:26
  Christie: And then at that point, the snowball has started and it's just downhill from there.
• 9:31
  Ellen: And every different people that you meet have different standards and different ideas, and they talk to you about them, and then, oh, I'm going to incorporate that, too.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: Well, it's also, there's...
• 9:42
  Ellen: peer pressure involved in it.
• 9:44
  Ellen: Having lived a lot of different places in our marriage and parenting years, different regions of the country I know that sounds strange, but have more things that are important than another region of the country might have.
• 9:55
  Ellen: Or the different group of friends you're in values something over Another group of friends.
• 10:01
  Ellen: So it's just human nature.
• 10:02
  Ellen: You're trying to fit in even as a parent and how you discipline your children or whatever is important to you at that moment, you're trying to fit in too.
• 10:10
  Ellen: You don't want to be the weirdo over here.
• 10:13
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:13
  Ellen: Who doesn't do that or does do that.
• 10:15
  Ellen: Well, and as
• 10:16
  Christie: a, as a parent, you feel a little bit like you're in a microscope, you know, with whether it be your in laws or the teachers or the neighbors or, you know, your spouse even.
• 10:25
  Christie: And, and you feel like, It's up to me to make all these decisions for these little people in my house, and everyone's waiting and watching.
• 10:33
  Christie: And
• 10:33
  Ellen: I represent.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Which isn't true, but,
• 10:36
  Christie: you know.
• 10:36
  Christie: Right, and then, and then they represent our children, you know.
• 10:40
  Christie: It's a reflection on my values, on my identity, on who I am and how good of a job I'm doing as a mom.
• 10:46
  Cheryl: But how would you characterize this?
• 10:48
  Cheryl: Someone's saying, so how would I recognize a helicopter parent?.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: Okay, what are some flags?
• 10:53
  Cheryl: As
• 10:55
  Ellen: a reformed helicopter parent for many, many years, I think one of the things that was a drive was I wanted to make sure that my kids had everything they needed to grow up with to become healthy, functioning adults.
• 11:12
  Ellen: And sometimes that was overbearing because I was...
• 11:17
  Ellen: motivated by fear.
• 11:18
  Ellen: I didn't want them to lack anything.
• 11:21
  Ellen: So I over gave them things rather than let them maybe discover some things on their
• 11:27
  Cheryl: own.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: So you micromanaged.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: Trying to get the result that you wanted.
• 11:33
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:34
  Cheryl: Um, I would say one of the things that I did because I didn't want my children to hurt.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: I'm pretty nurturing.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: So I would tend early on, here we are, this is what, Helicopters Anonymous or something.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: Okay, is solving the problems for them, right, and going ahead of them a little bit, or I could see what's going to be a problem instead of doing that good parenting of laying back and walking alongside or encouraging them and maybe asking good questions, I would.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: Solve the problems to make it easier or to keep them from getting in that bad place Give them the answers ahead of time, right?
• 12:14
  Cheryl: It's like three and four.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: It's seven True confessions.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: I remember one time I had some out of town distant relatives who I felt kind of criticized for having a different set of values and family lifestyle than what they sanctioned as being best.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: I remember two times, one in particular.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: And so they're from out of town, and so my children were there, and they were asking questions and talking directly to my children, and I I realized later, oh my goodness I did this helicoptering where if I didn't think I my children they're answer wasn't good enough.
• 12:57
  Cheryl: They're going to think this.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: So I go, well, I'm actually, and I would take it away and I would start answering the questions.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: And so that was a flag if I was trying to micromanage and protect them so that the relatives would think we were wonderful and they would approve.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: So it was that insecurity and I was hovering, hovering, and my helicopter was all over those conversations.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: And so it definitely backfired.
• 13:25
  Cheryl: I'm sure they walked away going, Oh my goodness, that's worse than we ever thought.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: She's really
• 13:30
  Ellen: overbearing,
• 13:31
  Christie: Mom.
• 13:32
  Christie: You're just proving their point.
• 13:33
  Christie: Well, I know for me, my biggest area of helicopter parenting has always been my kids safety.
• 13:39
  Christie: Like, I always want to protect them from any danger that would be an unsafe situation.
• 13:45
  Christie: My kids even tease me now about, we were barely able to check the mail without you watching from the window.
• 13:50
  Christie: And, you know, I was just always so anxious about their physical safety
• 13:54
  Cheryl: yeah For example one thing that tends to come up in this Helicopter style is limiting the independence of your children.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: I mean, But in helicoptering, not giving your children a lot of options.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: You're going to do this instead of helping them.
• 14:12
  Ellen: In my family, it was just my sister and I, but all the women in my family felt It was really important to be independent as a woman, that you could make your own living.
• 14:24
  Ellen: You didn't have to depend on a man for your happiness, your financial well being, and that was a verbalized thing in my family.
• 14:31
  Ellen: So my sister was three years younger than I was, so as the oldest daughter and granddaughter, I was always given a lot of responsibility and a lot of ability to be independent, but for whatever reason, they were really protective of my sister.
• 14:46
  Ellen: She never did most of what I did, or if she did, she was following me.
• 14:52
  Ellen: And when we became adults, it was really Because I was a very independent adult, made lots of decisions for myself and my household, and my sister really struggled with decision making and standing up sometimes to the people in her life that were being a little overbearing.
• 15:11
  Ellen: And so it's just a really interesting dynamic, how that happened.
• 15:15
  Ellen: But for some reason, my, Parents got really protective of my younger sister.
• 15:19
  Ellen: Again, I think maybe because she was shy and they felt like, oh, well, we don't want to throw her out to the
• 15:24
  Cheryl: wolves.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: You know, it's interesting you're saying that because you're talking about your having your own opinions and so forth.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: One of the ways I've seen this manifested a lot, particularly in the last number of years, is this hovering parenting, not wanting their children to have other opinions.
• 15:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:44
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 15:44
  Cheryl: Now.
• 15:45
  Cheryl: We have very strong core values in our family and we talk about those and I promote those and I would love to see my children live it out, but not, not being threatened when your children do have a different value.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: But of what I've seen in hovering parenting and what I didn't want to do is not allow other opinions.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: or to be afraid when those other opinions, and no, we don't believe that we believe that.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: They're
• 16:12
  Ellen: creating clones.
• 16:14
  Ellen: Yeah, because that's what it boils down to be a clone of me, right and my ideals and and my values.
• 16:20
  Ellen: Well, and
• 16:21
  Christie: it's just a lot easier.
• 16:22
  Christie: It's sure just shut it down and say no, that's not our belief system.
• 16:27
  Christie: You believe what I believe.
• 16:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:29
  Christie: And just just to put a line in the sand and say we're not going to cross it is a lot easier than.
• 16:34
  Christie: Navigating the nuance of, well, tell me more about what you think about that and let's have a conversation about it.
• 16:40
  Christie: And what do you think the consequences could be of that value?
• 16:42
  Christie: And
• 16:43
  Ellen: it's age appropriate too, because we're not, we're not saying the same thing for elementary school kids.
• 16:50
  Ellen: We are talking about older children by high school and college and adults in a lot of ways because when they're younger, we kind of have to just help them know how to navigate things.
• 17:01
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:02
  Christie: This has played out in my life with my kids is with friendships and in social settings, you know, you, it, you know, bad company, corrupts good, good morals, Proverbs says, and it's true.
• 17:15
  Christie: And we've had some different scenarios where I've seen a friend coming down the road and I'm thinking, Oh, I don't know how this is going to affect my child or, you know, for good or bad.
• 17:27
  Christie: You know, there have been some times where I've wanted to say We're not going to be friends with that person.
• 17:33
  Christie: But then we also have a strong value of hospitality and extending grace and acceptance to people.
• 17:38
  Christie: And so that's a hard line to walk.
• 17:42
  Christie: But I've seen in my girls that they have had experiences with people on their own where in the end they said, you know, this person wasn't a very good friend because of this.
• 17:53
  Christie: And they, they might've gotten hurt or been in a hard situation.
• 17:57
  Christie: And then there have been times, I'll admit to saying.
• 18:00
  Christie: I don't know if I want this person in your life and that's not a kind approach and it's not helpful to them either.
• 18:06
  Christie: Like I was saying, just to draw a line in the sand and say, we're not going to be friends with this person or have that influence in our life.
• 18:12
  Christie: It's much more beneficial the times that I've actually let them discover, experience.
• 18:16
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: When I'm listening to your objectives, I'm going, I want the parent that has the good conversations.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Because I can see, again, we use the word stunting, how this would stunt my children's ability to, Evaluate other people or and I just hear fear all over this insecurity and fear where we might be convincing ourselves in our mind, this is really for the best for the Children, but it's so fear motivated.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: And in fact, studies say It's really negative on the children, because the children of helicoptering over parenting, they are very insecure, and they reflect the worry, they don't have resilience, then failure is a big deal.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: They don't know how to
• 19:10
  Ellen: fail.
• 19:11
  Christie: Well, yeah, because if you've always...
• 19:16
  Christie: You're going to be afraid of, you know, falling into that, that, being a part of that problem.
• 19:21
  Christie: Right.
• 19:22
  Ellen: Cheryl, uh, to, to what you just said
• 19:24
  Cheryl: I'd always say
• 19:25
  Ellen: to my friend, I go, gosh, you thought of more things that I ever could have thought of to you told me all the things I needed to
• 19:33
  Cheryl: worry about.
• 19:36
  Cheryl: It's interesting because again, when you look at studies for this style of parenting, objectively, we all would say, wow, this looks great.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: We protect our children.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: They're not falling down.
• 19:49
  Cheryl: They're making great grades.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: They're succeeding and we're helping them.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Of course we want to help navigate our children.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: lives
• 19:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: The externals look really good, right?
• 19:58
  Cheryl: Yes They might get into Harvard, and they may get into medical school and all of that.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: But when they study the life happiness, there's so much more anxiety, depression, and, um, unhappiness.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: They're not happy.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: Well, their lives
• 20:15
  Ellen: are based on achieving.
• 20:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:17
  Ellen: Because that's really what you're saying to your child.
• 20:20
  Ellen: Here are my goals that I want you to achieve, and I will help shape you to achieve those.
• 20:25
  Ellen: Rather than looking at your children as this is a unique human.
• 20:29
  Ellen: What are their interests?
• 20:31
  Ellen: What are they good at?
• 20:32
  Ellen: You know, if you have a very artsy child who just started drawing at a young age as a beautiful artist, but they may not be very good at math.
• 20:42
  Ellen: And you want them to be able to be functional.
• 20:44
  Ellen: But they're not going to probably use math.
• 20:46
  Ellen: If they go on to pursue art.
• 20:49
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:49
  Ellen: And there's just another child in your family, that's a great, I mean, this is our family who's a great at math and horrible at art.
• 20:57
  Ellen: They could barely hold a pencil and so, but you can't, you know, you have to let them be how they were created to be.
• 21:04
  Ellen: That's our job is to cultivate, see and cultivate that in our children.
• 21:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:08
  Cheryl: and the micromanaging, hovering parent.
• 21:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: I have seen them ruin a child's love, if it's a sport where they were really good, but the hovering parent, took it in art, that took all the joy, whatever it is they're in.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: The parents are shredding the joy out of it because of this over parenting.
• 21:30
  Christie: It is really hard as a parent, too, though, because we have to make our kids do things they don't enjoy.
• 21:35
  Christie: You know, there are a million things you can say, you'll thank me later, you know, that I made you write the thank you cards or made you.
• 21:45
  Christie: And I think that's what makes this so hard to know when you're falling under the helicopter parenting because it, you know, the words that are used to describe it are kind of subjective.
• 21:53
  Christie: They're overanalyzing or over critiquing or excessive this.
• 21:58
  Christie: Well, how do you know when it's overanalyzing?
• 22:00
  Christie: Over or excessive or yeah, and so I think that's what makes it really tricky to know where you're falling on the spectrum because
• 22:08
  Cheryl: we want supportive loving involved engaged parenting and Krista you're right, and we've just run out of time so What about if we come back?
• 22:21
  Cheryl: And we talked next time about, for all of us, like what y'all would see, how do we walk that line of being supportive and find balance probably is the best word.
• 22:32
  Christie: Oh, sure.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: I would say, in closing, because as we're processing out loud, what I'm hearing is identity.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: That as we helicopter, to whatever degree, it's because I'm getting my identity out of what I'm doing or the control I think I'm having.
• 22:51
  Cheryl: And their performance.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: Or their performance.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Identity is a huge issue.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Where we're doing helicoptering and, uh, and then our children, if they keep it on, they're getting their identity out of, it's just self
• 23:06
  Christie: perpetuating.
• 23:07
  Christie: Right, their identity out of how pleased you are with their behavior or their
• 23:12
  Cheryl: performance.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: you know, just it's terrible, it's just a performance trap.
• 23:15
  Christie: and, you know, I think it's.
• 23:17
  Christie: It's, uh, interesting that a lot of our experiences are early on that we're sharing about helicopter parenting because at some point you start realizing how little control you really have and so that's when that starts to dissolve in us a lot of times.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: So I think that what you're kind of saying, and I agree with, fear is probably the motivating factor behind this.
• 23:39
  Ellen: Very true
• 23:40
  Christie: And you start realizing
• 23:41
  Ellen: it isn't good for your kids either, that they need to be able to fall down, they need to be able to climb the tree, they need to be able to have a fight with a friend.
• 23:52
  Ellen: and resolve it without my intervention.
• 23:55
  Ellen: Because
• 23:55
  Christie: these are all real life scenarios in micro dosed amounts in childhood.
• 24:01
  Christie: You know, falling out of the tree, or, you know, having...
• 24:04
  Christie: They learn skills that way.
• 24:05
  Christie: Right.
• 24:06
  Christie: Well,
• 24:06
  Cheryl: that's the big problem, is what we're stopping our children from learning.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: And really, really stunting the growth that we were trying to have.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Anything else y'all wanted to say as we're closing?
• 24:21
  Christie: Yeah, I, I think identity is true and, and control because of our identity.
• 24:26
  Christie: You know, we've talked before about, um, kind of coming up with your parenting philosophy.
• 24:32
  Christie: And I think that, that would be helpful in this area too, is, you know, what, what do I really want from my kids?
• 24:37
  Christie: Is it?
• 24:37
  Christie: Like you said, Elena, a clone of me, or do I want to help foster whatever's in them, whatever giftings they have?
• 24:43
  Christie: Or a clone
• 24:44
  Ellen: of what I think the ideal is.
• 24:45
  Ellen: Yes,
• 24:46
  Christie: what I'm, what I'm trying to achieve in my life.
• 24:48
  Christie: Yes,
• 24:48
  Cheryl: yes.
• 24:48
  Cheryl: Well, I heard, uh, Parenting Guru I really appreciate one time, it helped me because he
• 24:53
  challenged me with good questions and one time it was this.
• 24:58
  He asked, Do you do ownership parenting?
• 25:04
  Or stewardship parenting.
• 25:05
  Ellen: Yeah, that's good.
• 25:07
  Oh, yes! Wow! Because there's such a huge difference.
• 25:13
  Ownership means...
• 25:15
  I own this object.
• 25:16
  It's mine to do what I want with, to shape, to use, all of it is for my purposes, for me.
• 25:26
  And stewardship is so different.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: Because stewardship is taking care of something, a valuable resource
• 25:32
  that you treasure,
• 25:34
  Cheryl: and developing it,
• 25:35
  so it will grow and develop.
• 25:38
  Because you treasure it so much.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, I love that.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: Isn't that good?
• 25:42
  Cheryl: It is good.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: So, let's leave y'all with that thought, and we'll come back and delve some more into this.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: Sounds good.
• 25:49
  Christie: Sounds good.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Looking forward to next time.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: parents remember, hang in there.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 26:04
  So did you resonate with this tricky subject?
• 26:07
  As much as our recording team did, I found two key markers in our discussion that were quite helpful for self-evaluation along this parenting continuum we're talking about.
• 26:21
  Firstly, consider how comfortable you are in holding your deeply rooted values, opinions, and worldview.
• 26:30
  While remaining open and unthreatened when your children challenge those or explore alternative perspectives.
• 26:40
  Secondly, as Ellen pointed out, ask yourself if you're merely aiming to replicate yourself in your children.
• 26:48
  Like a clone.
• 26:51
  Ooh, those are good questions.
• 26:53
  This episode emerged from countless questions and discussions with parents from all corners.
• 27:00
  And I'd love to hear from you.
• 27:03
  What is one question you'd like us to address on a TPP episode?
• 27:08
  Reach out to social media, send us a text at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 27:14
  com or visit our website.
• 27:18
  We value your input.
• 27:20
  In our upcoming episode, we'll venture deeper into this challenging issue.
• 27:25
  We'll explore strategies for engaged parents to strike that balance that fosters independence, personal growth, and a robust, healthy parent child relationship.
• 27:38
  And always remember, The Parenting Podcast is here to help you flourish and to bring your heart hope.