Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Fixing Straight Men | Leslie Liao | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Fixing Straight Men | Leslie Liao | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I am a woman.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a woman.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Give it up for me.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a woman.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing my best out here.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm awake.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing my best.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I don't have any kids, but I'm an auntie.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I love it.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I actually love it.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have an eight-year-old nephew.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I love him so much.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's so adorable.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: And he looks at me like I'm this wise adult with all these answers.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: He's very curious.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: So he's always like following me around and asking me questions.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: He's so cute.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Why is your voice so deep, Uncle Leslie?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then he goes, Are you Mexican?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what the?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: You show some respect to your Theo.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's Theo Leslie to you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, where are my white people at?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Make some noise, white people.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be ashamed.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's yeah, put your hand up.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's your be a proud that's my proud boy, right there.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be ashamed.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's your year.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: You deserve it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what he I don't know what he deserves.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: You did it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: You do your year.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I um I love white people.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was raised in Orange County.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel so safe around a group of white people.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love white people.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Love white people.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: But it was hard growing up in Orange County because, you know, I was a minority.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I was the only Mexican kid.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: It was hard to fit in.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to fit in so badly.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I tried so hard to be white.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you know how many bonfires I've been to in my life?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just decked out head to toe, Billabomb, Ruca, Rainbow Sandals.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: He's always blasting counting crows, like sha la la la la la yeah.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to impress you people.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And now looking back, I feel bad because that was cultural appropriation when I was doing it.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I apologize.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I for disrespecting your beautiful Caucasian culture.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I should have been canceled.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I went to school and called everyone gnarly with a hard R.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I love Orange County, but it's a weird place.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: We went through this weird, like punk rock emo, the hot topic phase.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: The emo thing, everyone had sidebangs for two years.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: It was it was weird.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: But like I I never understood it.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up in a nice neighborhood in Orange County.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd always see a car full of bros driving around and blasting, cut my life into pieces! This is my last resource.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, they're all just like sipping on a jamba juice and pulling into a gated community.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, relax, Brendan.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: What are you sat?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're drinking a Rasmataz on a sunny day.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be fine, Brendan.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be you're gonna be okay, dude.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I escaped Orange County in my 20s.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I moved to LA.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was single for most of my 20s, and I I hooked up with everybody.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I I crushed it in my 20s.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I put up solid numbers on the board in my 20s.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you're a single woman in your 20s, it's very easy.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Men are just available.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: They're everywhere.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: They're very easy to access, you know?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was hard for me to turn down all the men.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It just feels like, you know, when there's a plate of fries on the table and you eat them even if you're not hungry?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, someone take these dicks away from me.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm I'm stuffed.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm stuffed.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even hungry.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Take them away.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even hungry.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Stop.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: But you'll have if you'll have one, I'll have one.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's the weekend.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be bad.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's the weekend.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm single still in my 30s, and it's hard in my 30s because I have to prepare for my future, even though I'm single.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like I froze my eggs last year.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anyone's done it.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Women my age, we have to think about this now.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've it's miserable.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's painful.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: You give yourself shots every day.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's so expensive.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I did this entire procedure, and I don't even know if I want kids.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even know if my husband wants kids.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even know who he is.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Who am I doing this for?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Who is this useless man I'm supposed to marry?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't even met this guy yet and I'm mad at him.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's never gonna work.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 36 and I've never been married.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I've never met the one.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Or whatever, you know, but I even though I've never met this guy, I think about him.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder about him, you know, like what is he like?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Where does he live?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: What does he do?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm thinking he's gotta be pretty special, right?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't think we should hype up our soulmates this much, because I've been waiting my entire life to meet this one man.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm not trying to sound mean, but I know he's not gonna be worth the wait.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure he's a nice guy, you know what I mean?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like, it's just gonna be some guy named Greg in a graphic T.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: If someone, if someone pointed at Greg and said, Leslie, you get to marry this man, but you have to wait 36 years.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't even get in line.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'd wait half an hour tops for someone like Greg.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I do want to get married though.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I have I I can't believe I want to get married still.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because I I see you married people, and you guys don't look like you're having a lot of fun.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: What do people always describe marriage as?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's always work, compromise, sacrifice, you know.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: But are you in love?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Are you training for the Olympics?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why are you so sweaty?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's so like every time I I ask my married friends, like, yeah, how's it going?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: How's married life?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: That you guys are so dejected.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You guys always look like the losing coach in a post-game interview.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh this is not the outcome that we had hoped for.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I believe in my team, you know, it's like, why are you guys so sad?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Very, very sad.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's not it's not easy being a straight woman.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually, I I rarely meet someone that gets me smitten, you know.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Being straight, it's actually a struggle for me because I I'm attracted to men, but I don't find men attractive.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: The women always seem to laugh really hard.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mean it's like I want you to hold me, but do you always have to wear a hat?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is that how you guys get ready?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Look how good she looks, and that's how you get can you guys just try?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Can you guys just try a little bit to get ready for us?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe I'm I can't believe I'm straight.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because I women are beautiful.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Any woman will walk by and she could change your life.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I've never seen some floating hat in a crowd and who is that man?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right there in those Costco basketball shorts.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: These are the worst.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'll find someone fun.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm I like to have I like to party still.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like I love music festivals, love house music, I love that stuff.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't know why the most successful DJs are men.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't make sense to me because in real life, the best DJs are clearly straight women.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're out here remixing men all the time.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every time we break up with a man and send him off to his next relationship, we're like, Remix! It's Jason, but with career ambition.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, here we go.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's Anthony, but he's a better communicator.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Another one.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's Michael, but with clean towel.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you guys don't even know.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is how women support women.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: We just go around fixing each other's future husbands under the table, no commission.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Just like, here's Tyler.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: He talks to his mom now.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: There's Tyler.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Here's Brian.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: He's an active listener.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Congrats on the engagement.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so happy for you two, you know.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm exhausted.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Being a woman is it's enough work, being a woman.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's like we all we do is get ready.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: We all we all got ready tonight.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: We all got ready.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And when the day ends, we go home and get ready for bed.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Every night, it's an hour out of my life.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: When the sun sets, I just lock myself in my bathroom and wash off products with more product.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And sigh myself to sleep.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have never seen a straight man get ready for bed.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: You guys just pee, pass out, wake up and get promoted.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Don't clap at your privilege in front of me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are the worst.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like we're, while the women are getting ready, you guys are like waiting for us in bed, just like kind of hopeful.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like maybe she'll blow me when she's done.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, I won't.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna let you cream my face after I've already.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do it.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't blow him tonight.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do it.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do it.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I don't even know you guys in some.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I think I have to go.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think I need to leave and go to sleep.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: I have to go.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I um I don't know.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be fine.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to work on myself.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to eat healthier, you know, be through the healthy thing.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I've lost a little bit of weight, but I still like I can't shake that feeling of like being insecure about my body.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's really hard to get rid of that.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I if I have to wear a bikini in public, I have to like mentally prepare.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I honestly think people will heckle my body at the beach like, boo, get off the sand! She didn't prepare.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I but you know, I went to the beach recently and it was totally fine.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Great day.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: No one made me feel uncomfortable, no one made me feel bad about my body.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: It was all in my head, this fear, you know.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I realized something in that moment that I want to share with you all just for inspiration.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think this will make you feel better.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: No one cares about you.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that nice?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to help you guys, okay?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Just remember, the next time you're feeling down, just remember I told you that.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: You don't matter to other people.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: But you matter to me, you know.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've I've been Chinese, I've had a great time.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I love you guys.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Goodbye.
• 12:18
  unknown: Thank you.