Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 23: Lessons from a Funeral
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to the Just As Sisters Podcast. Life doesn't come with a manual. So we made a podcast. Welcome to Just As Sisters. My name is Susan Allen, and I am with my three beautiful sisters here today. Cheryl number two, Shelly number three, and Stacy number four. Just recently, my sisters and I attended a funeral of a longtime family friend. Milton Soward. Milton was our dad's college roommate at Rice, their freshman year, when they started in 1955. They also ran track together at Rice. They also went into business together for several years. And our families have remained close friends over the past 71 years. We had the funeral in East Texas. And I think that often as I was leaving, just like all other funerals that I've gone to before, they often bring just a an extraordinary clarity about what truly mattered in that person's life. And I know for Milton, just hearing his family speak of him, you could tell faith and family truly mattered to that man. And so I talked to my sisters and I said, there are lessons to be learned from a funeral. And so I would like For us to share today the lessons that we have learned. And it could be from Milton's funeral, or it could be any funerals that we have attended. There are life lessons that that God wants us to to gain. My husband once used this scripture at a funeral that he was preaching of a really sweet friend of ours. And it's in Ecclesiastes seven two. And it says, Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all. Everyone dies, so the living should take this to heart. So for me, funerals invite reflection rather than regret. it encourages me and hopefully those attending to evaluate their own lives and you know make the changes while they still can. Let's talk about the life lessons that we have learned. speaker-1: I have had the opportunity, I guess to me it's an opportunity just because the last two funerals I've been to in the last month have been of people that have been a big impact on their family, friends. I mean to listen to the testimonies. I went to a funeral of very special lady Betty Reed, and just the friends that got up to speak, the family members, story after story of how she helped people and her faith, her deep faith in the Lord and and she had some great times, but she also had some low times and her faith never wavered. And as I sat in that chair I at at the Grace Fellowship I I did start reflecting, thinking, you know, in the good times it's very easy, you know, to have faith and love the Lord and talk about him and share testimonies. But it is in those low times that we get tested. And she was one tested woman and she had the love of God through every test that she went through, every low point. And so I had to just sit there thinking, can I do that? And I I I think I I could, but it would take a lot of prayer and and a lot of friends being around. That's my take. speaker-0: On that. You know, as I left the funeral home, we had a four hour drive back and I immediately texted all my kids and my grandkids. And I said, in the wise words of Benjamin Franklin, don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. That was one of the lessons. Because I think we think, we'll do we'll make that phone call tomorrow, or we'll send that text, or we'll have that coffee, or we'll say whatever to whomever. And The truth of the matter is, we're not promised tomorrow. And so because of that, why do it tomorrow? Why not today? So that was the first one, the first lesson that I gained. speaker-2: Well, I think sometimes we tend to think, you know, nose to the grind. I'm going to just rena you know, just really dig in and then I'll spend time with loved ones later. And I think in some cases, I mean, Milton was almost ninety years old, but in some cases later never comes. And so I think that is a good lesson that we can learn from. speaker-3: Yeah, I think one of the best funerals that I've been to and and that's kinda odd to say was RF La Fuentes. You know, he was just always so nice and and y'all he always made you feel special, like you were pretty and you know, just always had something to say along those lines. And they even said it at the funeral, never did out anything that brought attention to himself. And but look at the impact that he had on people. And it was because of how he loved people. He loved people quietly, I think. And that just made a huge impact on me that, you know, how you treat people when nobody else is looking is huge. And people remember that. Another one, Milton's was too, I think the biggest thing that I learned from Milton's is don't give up. Don't give up on the people that you're praying the hardest for. If they have an addiction and you have done Everything you feel like you can do, don't give up. Still pray for still have faith, still, you know, check on them, courage them, all of that. Because that was very evident at that funeral. That when he that he did that with his two nephews. And they said it was because of that that they came to know the Lord and came back to the Lord. And We forget that because sometimes we get wrapped up in I feel like I've done everything I can. There's not th nothing else I can do. I'm gonna put it in God's hands. Well, you can put it in God's hands, but that doesn't mean that you don't still take the effort and make the steps. That's what I learned. From John Two's funeral, you know, sometimes you can treat people and people think multiple people think that they were your best friend, you know, because of how good you got along or how well you treated and It's like having a customer at work. You know, you may have multiple customers, but you want to make them feel like they are your only customer. And I think people want to feel like that in friendships as well. You know, that hey, this is special what we have. And so I think that that's, you know, one that I walked away with. And then there's one that's kind of more funny. And Shelley, you may remember this. We were young and we went to somebody's funeral. I don't remember whose it was. But we went in to look at them at the open casket and the air conditioner came on. Do you remember that? His hair moved and we started screaming right now. speaker-1: You know, when you brought Arniv up, he could be coming in to church or a basketball game, willing in, slow moving, and you go, How's it going, Arniv? He goes, Good to God be the glory. I'm doing good. And man, it would really make you just go, my, he has got such a good attitude and yeah. And I'm w I whine every day. I've got a little issue and I whine about it. I need to take take Arniv's attitude to God be the glory that I can walk. speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-2: Yeah. Well, the ordinary moments people share are often remembered more than the major achievements. And two recent funerals that I've attended, both were grand grandchildren speaking and one spoke of cooking together, Mary Dixon's, you know, just learning recipes and such. And then with Milton's fishing together. And I you know, Milton achieved a lot in his life and it was these ordinary moments that Well precious to these people that spoke. speaker-0: Yeah, it really makes you think, am I investing more in people or in my work or in possessions? Yeah. You know? Because that is so true, Shelly. Those memories. Well, that was another life lesson I came away with is that memories are to be shared. Friday before the funeral, we sat in the hotel lobby and laughed and shared and talked about the past and the things that had happened, you know, on trips and in their homes and memories are to be shared, not to just be kept right here. But, you know, God's word says in Proverbs that or a cheerful heart is good medicine. And I feel like that the laughter is also a a lesson. It soothes the soul. It's okay to laugh. God created the tears, but he also created the laughter. That was two other lessons, the laughter and the memories. speaker-3: Yeah. It's too bad that we wait till a funeral though. Vicky Bailey brought that up. She's like, You know, we're gonna all have to get together again and not at a funeral and I was like, You're right. We need to put that together, put that on the calendar. Who can come will come and who can't you know, won't be there. Well I speaker-2: I am thankful that in twenty twenty five we did get to speaker-0: Get speaker-3: Yeah, yeah. Nice. speaker-2: our father felt very strong about getting up to see Milton on a Wednesday and they left to come back home on Thursday and Milton passed away on Monday. So just being obedient to those promptings are important as well. Yeah. But you know, I've been to countless funerals and I've never heard someone stand up and say, I just regret how much time I spent with them. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's not about the possessions and the worldly things, a person's character is usually remembered more vividly than any of that. speaker-0: Well, I think that it it's a good question to ask ourselves, are we creating memories that will outlive us? You know, with with those people? Because the day is gonna come, everyone dies. So we're all going to have to sit and think about the memories that we have made and did we make them in a way that will outlive us? Are we finishing life well? I think that's another good question. What do y'all think that means to finish life well? speaker-2: Well, I think that people will tell stories that will reveal parts of your own influence that you you may not have ever even known. But I think of of dad and how many people that come up to him now and tell the impact that he has had on their lives. And I'm grateful that they're telling him now. Yes. instead of waiting and sharing it at the funeral. People need to to hear this stuff and it's important. that we talk about it when someone has impacted us in a positive way, it's important that we talk about it. speaker-3: I think one of the biggest things is to tell people how they have impacted you. After Arnest's funeral, a lot of my teachers were there to support many and gosh, I've been out of school almost forty years next year and I still have memories of how I was impacted by certain teachers. And Cole, Miss Crow, just there's so many and and they were there and I took the opportunity to go and tell them, Thank you. Thank you for having an impact on my life. Yeah, you I speaker-0: think that's important, Stacy, that they they hear why why wait until they die? Yeah. You know? Yeah. Tell them now. Cause just imagine what impact that could have on them and the encouragement it could bring them to let them know those things. speaker-1: I can't remember if I called Lynn Dodge. I think I texted her and just even though it's been year well, we stay in touch, but it had been years. And I just told her, I said, You do not know the impact, the Christian impact that you made on I know my life and so many young women and not only did she, she and her husband. And I remember it it meant a lot to her that just one person saying that. So I think you're right. I think we need to let more people know that they mean a lot to you know, what they have done in their lives has has meant a lot. speaker-2: Now the flip side of that is unspoken words and unresolved conflicts speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-0: And it's speaker-2: heavily on the survivors. And I think your goal is to die without regret. And I think a regret would be not resolving conflict before someone passes away. Yeah. speaker-3: Or having somebody that you have conflict with passing away. Yeah. I mean, I just imagine there's no way to come to peace together on that. speaker-2: I think the takeaway is write the letter, make the call, tell them what they mean to you now. speaker-0: Go to the go visit. Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Something else, another lesson that came from this funeral was that I want to live a life of legacy. But that doesn't just happen. You have to know what it is that you want your legacy to be. So what kind of things would you hope to hear at your funeral about you? Because, you know, Milton's son and daughter. And two nephews and grandson all spoke. And as I was sitting there thinking about that, I was like, I wonder what my son would say. Or I wonder what my grandson would say, or my nieces or nephews. And so what do you want people to say about you? speaker-3: I think mine is that they knew they were loved, that I w encouraged them, you know, in whatever it was, if it was personally or to go do something or, you know, to have faith, whatever it was that I was there to encourage them. I I don't the love that I have for the Lord showed that I was a light for him. I think that's extremely important to me. For my kids, that I was a good mom. You know, we all want to have been a good mom. I know I wasn't the best mom, but I want them to look back and go, Man, she did a good job and that I'm a good wife. And in order for that to happen, you know, you gotta keep up. You have to you can't just sit back on, well, I've done pretty good. And you know, you know, it's it's ongoing. And Yeah, you have to that speaker-0: Present now. speaker-3: I and that that that I was there. And that kicked me because last weekend I couldn't go out of town to go see my grandkids in and Brandon and Holly or I chose not to because of a big work escalation that I had. And so we're rescheduling that. But I'm very upset that I made that choice. And I don't think I'll make that choice again. So you I speaker-0: I think there's a lot of different distractions, Stacey, that steal time from the people that matter most. What tends to be y'all's biggest distractions that steal time from people? speaker-2: Well, I think I will have to change some things in order to have people say this about me. But right now I think they would say and using a biblical example, she was the best Martha that she could possibly be. But I want to be a combination. I you know, I will always be the one that is organizing and and coming behind and setting up and all of this. But I want to be the Mary also, not just scripturally, but amongst friends and at events and something will have to change for me because my tendency is to always be in the background seeing that people's needs are met. And that's not a bad thing in and of itself, but the interaction is important as well. speaker-0: Absolutely. Well yeah. speaker-1: I wanna tag onto that and take this opportunity to say, Shelley, you have made such a big impact on so many people. So speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-1: don't you even think about saying that you're not a married to Yeah, you keep everybody in line too, but you're still you you will be definitely remembered a and have a great legacy as a a woman of faith. Mhm. But I also want to be known by my kids and grandkids as a number one faithful Christian. And number two, love through the good, bad and ugly. And I I do think I do a pretty good job at that, but we can all do better. speaker-0: Absolutely we can. I think for me my biggest distraction can often be the phone. When speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-1: Social media. speaker-0: you know, when I'm with them, I need to be with them, you know. That's why I love going out to national parks because there is no internet and you don't even have to worry about your phone other than to use as a camera. And it just is so freeing. And so I would hate for my kids or grandkids To say, yeah, she was always on her phone, you know? I know, I know, nothing against mom, but to this day, Samuel kids about Mama always working on her taxes. And he told me one day, he goes, Every time I go down there or we would call, we're like, Mama, what are you doing? Working on my taxes. And he said, I got to the point, this is before I knew what taxes were, but I said, Man, I hope I never have taxes. Because Mamma is always working on them. speaker-3: Okay. speaker-0: It's it's funny because we all have our taxes. Something is always going to distract us. And we have to make that choice to make people a priority. Relationships over phone. Relationships over taxes. Relationship over work. I hope that that will be what my kids and and grandkids say that she loved well, she loved me well, and she loved God well. As far as any other lessons of life, is there any other lessons y'all learned? speaker-2: When you're talking about funerals, you're obviously going to be talking about grief. And what we need to remember is people grieve differently, even within the same family, and grief does not follow a predictable timeline. And I think never judge someone by how they grieve for a lost a loved one. in addition to that, Susan even referred to this humor and laughter often coexist with sadness as people remember meaningful moments. And we did. We sat in that hotel lobby and laughed about the memories that we shared with this family and it wasn't disrespectful. It it was honoring, I think. Yeah. speaker-0: Yes. Yes. And you know, grief finds us all. No one is going to avoid grief. And it may not be in a death. Grief comes in all different ways. But the one thing that I do also want to encourage people with those that have lost loved ones, that loss is never the end of the story. I think we all have lost people that were very special to us, and it's not the end. And that death isn't the end. Matter of fact, it's just another beginning. And I think that one of the greatest gifts you can give your family is the gift of them knowing that you have eternal life and that you will be in heaven. And they know that. That is a s a confidence that they have because they've seen your life. I think that is an amazing gift to give your family. And I saw that in Jackie, Jenny, West and Irene, they all knew this isn't basically this is not goodbye. It's see ya later. And I I I think that's so important. speaker-2: song that we often sing that says when we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be. And you know, that's just so reassuring that that the is this isn't goodbye. It's it's see ya later. speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: One thing I always get a lot of heat for, not necessarily from y'all but other people, is I do think that memories and getting that one on one time with your family is so good. I mean it might only be one or two times a year, depending on how old they are, where they live. And I'm telling you, if you're with them for a week, you're gonna get a lot of one on one time. You're gonna get to hear things that you didn't know that was important. to them and so you know Johnny and I just decided it since our family is really small, you know, every year until we we can't do it, our we're gonna take our family somewhere that we can be away from the everyday life. And it it's I'd rather have that than a new car any day. speaker-2: Okay. speaker-3: Yes. speaker-1: Absolutely. speaker-3: It's set time, right, Cheryl. Nothing beats time together. No. speaker-0: Yeah. Well is there anything else? Any other lessons? speaker-2: Two things with Milton we expressed that he was almost ninety and you know lived a full life and and the celebration of his life speaker-0: Is speaker-2: joyful. The circumstances can change sometimes when when the situation of the death or the age of the the one who died is is younger, unexpected. It just makes us have to be aw things could be different in in how they're grieving under the circumstances of of how their loved one passed away. speaker-3: we can learn something different from a funeral of a younger person. Like Braden Bolyard, y'all, he was eighteen when he was killed. And his funeral was one of those that he was my best friend kind of funeral. You know, everybody felt like Braden was their best friend. And I think, gosh, the kid was eighteen and he still loved on people, you know, still made people feel special. So it's Probably around the same thing, but just I don't know, it's just different that a young person could still have an impact on so many people as well. speaker-0: Funeral. speaker-2: Are not just about the one that passed away. There there are the survivors left and I'd like to give some practical advice in, you know, how to talk to them and and what is a good thing to encourage them. Brief words of sympathy obviously and practical help can mean a great deal, but offer specific help. Don't ask let me know if you need anything. another one is listen patiently without judgment. Allow them to cry, express anger or talk about the loved one without trying to fix their feelings or force a positive spin. And definitely resist the urge to start any sentence with the words, at least or God must have needed them. speaker-1: More. speaker-2: Continue reaching out months later. The initial shock wears off, but the grief remains. Check in, invite them out, and continue to say the name of their deceased loved ones. And then finally respect their boundaries and understand that their energy levels and emotional capacity will fluctuate daily. But the most important thing is being there for them through whatever grieving process they need to take. speaker-0: Well, I hope our listeners will take the time to share what lessons that they have come away with after attending a funeral. and they can share them in the comment section. Cause you know, I think that we can all learn the lesson. I've learned things today from your lessons that you came away with. Ecclesiastes says that a good reputation is more valuable than costly perfume. And the day you die is better than the day you were born. So there's something to be said about reflecting on death. And I know that this was a quite different episode for us. Usually there's a lot more laughter and you know, but I think when you start reflecting, you see things that need to change. Yeah. And you don't know when you are gonna be called to cross on over. To your eternal home. And so we want to make those changes. It's serious business. And I hope you've gained some insight from today's podcast. Our next episode is 24, and it is going to be the the challenges and blessings of being single. We'll have several guests come and join us, obviously, because none of us would be able to relate to that. So we look forward to having them on our podcast. Until then, life is messy, meaningful, and better when shared, especially in the times of grief and loss. Thanks for joining us. Don't forget to like us. speaker-1: Sheriffs. speaker-2: Comment. speaker-3: Subscribe. speaker-2: Bye. Bye. speaker-1: Bye.