Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents: A Survival Guide with Nia Wilson Hall

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Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents: A Survival Guide with Nia Wilson Hall · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

0:00
Mom had a stroke, and I didn't know that she had a stroke.
0:03
And I didn't find out that my mom had had a stroke until I got
0:07
to the funeral for my aunt. And someone's like, yeah, I
0:08
heard your mom had a stroke. And I'm like, my, my mom had a
0:12
stroke. But she's like, I didn't want to
0:13
stress you. I didn't want to put too much on
0:16
you. I'm fine.
0:17
I didn't even know that I had a stroke.
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Like everything is OK. And I think that was really what
0:22
was the starting point of me recognizing that my mom is not
0:26
Superwoman. Good morning good morning and
0:45
welcome to rise and thrive with Doctor J Nicole where we are
0:48
rising in faith and thriving in purpose and today's episode I am
0:52
joined by NIA Wilson Hall to discuss the emotional and
0:56
spiritual realities of caring for agent parents through the
1:00
lens of her own experience. She's going to open up about the
1:03
unique challenges that arise when the parent child role
1:07
begins to shift from decision making and health management to
1:12
the emotional way that that caregiving can place upon an
1:15
adult child. Naya welcome.
1:19
Hi my love, thank you for having me.
1:22
This is fun. I'm already so excited.
1:24
Thank you so much for being here.
1:28
So Naya, we go way back. This is my little baby, but
1:33
she's so grown. Naya and I met summer 2014 at
1:40
the White House, where we were both working for the summer in
1:44
the Obama administration. So that's the second
1:47
administration. And you know, there were only a
1:49
handful of us and we were fortunate to be placed in the
1:54
same office. And so we became like a little
1:58
family, a lot of us. And so I was telling NIA, you
2:01
got to come to how? Well you got to come to how.
2:03
But let before, let me slow down.
2:05
Let me let NIA talk and tell y'all a little bit about
2:08
herself. And then it'll all make sense.
2:12
OK, so my name is NIA Wilson, all recently married, so I'm
2:17
still getting used to the hall part.
2:19
But yes, I met Jeannie when I was probably, I turned 21.
2:23
When I was at the White House, I was 20.
2:26
But currently I'm going to turn in Atlanta.
2:29
Yes, that's crazy. I'm going to turn in Atlanta.
2:32
I do corporate litigation defense and I'm an only child.
2:37
And now my, you know, my parents are starting to get up there in
2:41
age. My mom is turning 70 this year.
2:43
My daddy's not too far behind her.
2:45
And I am starting to experience all the things that come along
2:49
with aging parents and nobody prepared me for this.
2:52
So I am super excited to share my experience.
2:56
I with you and chat through it because you've talked to me a
3:00
lot about your family and your maternal figures in your life
3:04
and the things that you've experienced with that.
3:06
But still, you know, I can give you advice or talk to you about
3:10
it, but until I experience it on my own, I don't think, you know,
3:13
I really knew what that was like.
3:15
Yeah. It is one of those things like
3:17
you can have empathy and sympathy for people, but when
3:20
you're going through it, it is completely different.
3:24
So Naya, what was the moment where you realized that your
3:27
parents were aging? You know that shift when the
3:30
roles started to reverse like and how did that impact you
3:33
emotionally and spiritually think?
3:36
I first noticed it when I was no longer close to my mom.
3:40
And when I say close, I don't mean like emotionally more so
3:43
just like when I was in Atlanta and she's in Virginia and I'm on
3:49
the phone with her and I'm noticing things, the way she
3:52
says things are differently or, you know, it's different.
3:56
Just the problems that she's starting to have and the the
3:59
multiple doctor's appointments that I never even paid attention
4:02
to before. I never knew when my mom went to
4:04
the doctor, you know, when I was living with her, those were just
4:07
not things that we talked about. But now that I'm older and she's
4:10
like, oh, I went to the doctor today and then I talked to her
4:12
the next week and she's like, Oh, I went to another doctor
4:13
today. I'm like, what are we going to
4:15
the doctor for? So that was just, you know, and
4:21
why so frequent, right? And it really wasn't anything,
4:24
you know, terribly wrong. It's just like, oh, I'm going to
4:26
this doctor for this and this doctor for that, which happens
4:29
as you get older. But yeah, that that was probably
4:33
when I first realized, OK, my mom is getting older.
4:37
And then even something as small as like her telling me something
4:40
and not realizing that she had already told me that story or
4:44
told me that thing that she was so excited to share with me.
4:47
It's like she just forgot. So, you know, moving here and us
4:53
having to foster our relationship long distance on
4:56
the phone on FaceTime definitely was when I started to realize.
5:01
And how did it affect me emotionally?
5:02
Obviously it's hard because I'm so far away and I'm not able to
5:06
just corner and make sure she's good now.
5:09
Just like parse through the things she sang or talk to our
5:11
other family members to make sure she's good.
5:14
So yeah. Yeah, that's, that's heavy.
5:17
So for any listeners that don't know, I was raised by my great
5:21
aunt. So I was six years old when I
5:24
moved with her and she was 50. So definitely went through that
5:29
process of seeing her age and then ultimately once she did
5:32
pass. And so I, I started to see
5:35
things with time and even her language changed as well.
5:40
And what you were saying about like the doctor's appointments,
5:43
you never knew because back then those are probably be standard
5:47
appointments. They start to talk about things,
5:50
I think because they're a little concerned because otherwise, Oh
5:55
yeah, business, right? Because that's how.
5:57
Exactly. But you asked me for a while.
6:00
I'm going to a doctor. Because that's how how all they
6:02
are. Yeah, Exactly.
6:05
Exactly. So you're like, hello.
6:06
But you were like, you say you just start putting things
6:08
together. Yeah, it's always interesting.
6:13
So what surprised you most about the shift of these roles and
6:19
starting to have to be more involved?
6:24
I'd say probably just the reality of it all was probably
6:30
the most surprising. Yeah.
6:32
We as children, we have this like, image of our parents and
6:37
our minds and that person, sorry about my work e-mail going off,
6:42
but you have this image in your mind of like, they are, you
6:48
know, like they're Superwoman, they're Superman, things like
6:51
that. And then as they age, they're no
6:55
longer that and you're start, you're the reality starts to
6:58
sink in or Oh my gosh. I think one thing that's really
7:03
surprised me has been like the FaceTime calls and she looks a
7:06
little bit older. Or when I go home and she moves
7:09
a little bit slower than when I saw her before.
7:12
Or, you know, my dad is walking with a cane rather than just
7:15
moving around all fast like he used to.
7:19
And I, you know, it's, it may be more gradual for those who are
7:22
close in proximity to their family, but for me, because I
7:25
only see them, you know, holiday special occasions like deaths in
7:30
the family or something like that.
7:33
Then it's just the time in between or marriages, right?
7:37
Bridal showers, all the things. It's it's just that time, the
7:42
time six months age is someone or that's older a little bit
7:47
more than six months, someone like us or a kid.
7:51
So yeah, that has been the most surprising thing.
7:55
Even my husband, he said that recently, like he saw his mom
7:58
and he was like, oh, wait, like because she's a lot younger than
8:00
my mom. I think she's like almost 20
8:02
years younger than my mom. And he saw her recently and he
8:05
was like, you know, I've noticed I'm a little older now.
8:08
And it's not a bad thing, but it is just.
8:10
It's jarring because you have this image and you.
8:14
Know you're. That, yeah.
8:18
And they look the same for so long.
8:22
And even for some parents who keep the same look, their hair
8:25
or haircut is still the same. They have the same style like
8:29
and it and it just does not change.
8:32
And then like you said, just one day I'm trying to remember when
8:35
it was where one day I like you said like having moved away from
8:40
Wisconsin. I went home and I was like
8:43
Marlene looks. She thought she just looks old
8:45
but like. It makes you want to.
8:48
Cry like, ache it. Yeah, like she.
8:51
Was. Delicate and there was even just
8:54
a softening in her presentation. She was more willing to ask for
8:59
help with things like I was just who are you?
9:03
And bring my mom many things like it was something her
9:05
granddaughter did. Her granddaughter, she lives in
9:07
Atlanta now. She was a teenager.
9:11
Oh, Oh, my gosh. How old is she?
9:13
So at this time, she had to be like 16 or 17.
9:16
And I was in, I came if I was in grad school or college, so early
9:23
20s. And they had come to stay with
9:26
her for a little while. And then they were telling me
9:28
some of the things my cousin was doing, like, you know, she was
9:31
sneaking out the house, doing a little stuff or whatever.
9:34
And I'm like, and she's alive. Where's she at right now?
9:39
Yeah, like totally. Yeah.
9:43
Like lady, you had me on lockdown.
9:46
That's. How my mom was, Yeah, my mom was
9:49
fight. Yeah, exactly.
9:52
Have you met my mom? I think you had.
9:55
She's always been very feisty. At your graduation luncheon.
10:00
Yes, very. Just turned up like she will
10:02
cuss you out in a heartbeat now. She will still cuss you out, but
10:05
she'll do a little more gracefully now, you know, she
10:09
speaks a little calmer, a little sweeter.
10:11
It's like to be the old Kathy. OK, Like, turn up on them for
10:17
real. For real.
10:17
Don't be. Yeah.
10:18
Who is this? So yeah, that that is a thing as
10:21
I get older. And also like, you ever ask your
10:24
parents, like, you remember you were so mean to me?
10:27
Or do you remember that time when you when I got in trouble
10:30
and you were so upset? And they have.
10:32
It's like they blocked it out. Like she does not remember any
10:34
of that. And I don't know if that comes
10:36
with age 2, but that plays a role in how I deal with her
10:40
because I feel like without therapy, I would hold a lot of
10:43
resentment towards her. Yeah.
10:48
But I think great, grateful. Like, I'm so grateful that I'm,
10:51
I've gone to therapy and I've done the work because it just
10:54
allows me to be a little more gentle with her now, even though
10:58
she refuses to acknowledge a lot of the things that she refused.
11:02
Thank you. Yes.
11:05
Now one thing that was different with my aunt is that like I
11:08
didn't recount specific events, but I just remember it changed
11:12
where we could have a conversation where she finally
11:16
saw me like an adult, but still like an adult child, right in
11:19
that level of respect. But we could talk as women.
11:22
And I remember telling her I was like, I know what you was trying
11:28
to do, but we could have got there a different way.
11:32
Exactly. She didn't push back.
11:34
And I understood that she did the best that she could.
11:37
But the fact that she was able to listen and have that
11:39
conversation because that was not a thing when I was younger.
11:43
No, not with black. Openness.
11:45
It was not two way conversation at all.
11:48
No, that's what I say. Go Yeah, exactly which?
11:53
Which brings me to the next point, right?
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Like that's a part of culture. So what are some other things
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about like your upbringing and family culture or even just like
12:02
black culture that influence how you approach this shift as you
12:06
enter into this new season? I'm still.
12:10
Working on that girl. I think for me, I think therapy
12:16
is still very new and our community again, my mom is 70.
12:22
So like therapy that don't she don't talk therapy.
12:26
What are you talking about? You know what I mean?
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And so for me, I think the one thing that really helped foster
12:33
this new relationship that we have is the wedding.
12:35
Because I don't know if we talked, but it was a huge
12:38
adjustment for her to to really reconcile with the fact that she
12:42
was losing her daughter, her only child, you.
12:48
Weren't coming back home. Right.
12:50
Like, yeah, and and we we probably had like two or three
12:55
months where we were on rocky grounds because I knew I wanted
12:59
my wedding a certain way. I saw that day as, you know, a
13:04
certain aesthetic. I hate that word, but you know,
13:07
like, I just had a vision for my wedding day.
13:11
But as a mom, she vision for my wedding day and I had to really
13:15
set boundary. And the phrase setting
13:19
boundaries to this lady that was born in 1955 Southern America
13:26
was like, you mean setting boundaries?
13:29
Like, you don't set boundaries with me, but it that that kind
13:33
of narrative has weaved its way throughout our relationship now.
13:38
And I think it's actually put us on a better side of things
13:41
because not only do I have to set boundaries for the wedding,
13:43
I kind of set boundaries with what I allow her to like, pile
13:48
on to me what I allow my dad to pile on to me.
13:50
Because as aging parents, they have a lot of freaking problems,
13:54
right? Like whether it's health
13:55
related, whether it's family related, whether it's, you know,
13:59
associate related, relationship related, work related, they're
14:03
going to just vent and complain honestly.
14:06
And because I did the work of learning how to set boundaries
14:10
and really just not care that she didn't like the phrase
14:13
setting boundaries, I was still going to do that for me because
14:17
I deserve that for me in my life.
14:21
And I think once I did that and she finally accepted that and
14:25
realized that just because I'm setting boundaries doesn't mean
14:27
I don't love you. Just because I'm setting
14:29
boundaries doesn't mean that I love you less.
14:31
You know, it just means that I'm, I have to prioritize my
14:34
well-being. And I think once I did that and
14:37
she sat with that and recognized that it was coming from a good
14:41
place, I think it really transformed how we interact with
14:45
each other now. And the things that I'm allowing
14:47
her to pile on to me or my dad to pile on to me, because I'm, I
14:51
didn't say that, but I'm both of their only child and they're
14:54
separate. So my dad's in Maryland, my
14:56
mom's in Virginia. And I'm having to balance being
15:00
both of their only child at a time when everything is going
15:03
wrong in their lives. So yeah, the boundary setting is
15:07
really, really, really important.
15:08
And I think that will be like a theme of what I talk about.
15:11
Without that, I don't think I'd be able to do this.
15:15
Yes, Naya girl boundaries that is my favorite word.
15:20
OK, they hate it. I don't care because it really I
15:25
know, but because it's an adjustment right like you're
15:27
introducing something completely different right like we were
15:30
speaking about earlier is very much one way.
15:33
What I say go they there are the authority figure that's what it
15:36
is and they've never seen anybody model boundaries.
15:40
They don't know what it's like to have boundaries.
15:43
And so you come in there saying no or trying to negotiate time
15:49
and they're like, no, I need this now or whatever The thing
15:52
is. And you're like, I'm sorry, I
15:53
can't do that, right? Because a lot of if you sat down
15:58
and had a talk with is your mom, is she considered Silent
16:01
generation or is she? Boomer.
16:05
Boomer is considered as a boomer, but it might be yeah.
16:12
No, I think it's Boomer because I'm just thinking about the
16:14
differences. But there are still similarities
16:17
where we don't talk about things like it is what it is.
16:21
And so no one has asked them about how they feel about things
16:25
or there really wasn't room for it.
16:26
Like you just got to do what needs to be done and what you
16:30
still sitting there for, you know?
16:32
Yeah. So you having the boundaries to
16:35
say, hey, this is being able to want talk about your feelings.
16:39
It's not an argument or anything.
16:42
And it's just like, this is how this is affecting me.
16:45
Like we're having to re parent our parents, our caregivers and
16:51
teach them a different way to communicate and to be able to
16:56
engage in a way that's healthy. And so you're going to get
17:00
pushback because it's different. It's not something they've
17:02
experienced. Now, they probably, they've
17:05
experienced boundaries in the workplace, but your mom is a
17:09
business owner. So it's probably been a long
17:12
time since she's worked for someone.
17:16
Right. And she think I'm one of her.
17:17
Little I think that makes a difference.
17:20
Yeah, girl, you're not about to boss me, OK?
17:24
You had your time. Love you down the lady.
17:29
Yeah. Let's be obvious, in black
17:33
families, they think they always get to boss us.
17:35
It does not matter how old you are.
17:40
It's so, it's so funny. I love her so much, but it's
17:42
like, girl, you need to relax, just chill.
17:46
And you know, it's funny. I don't think I told you this,
17:49
but she was so like adamant about running my wedding and
17:54
running all the stuff we were doing, whether it was the
17:57
shower, the wedding, you know, whatever.
18:00
And then afterwards she just, I didn't let her run it,
18:03
obviously, but afterwards she was so pleased with the way that
18:07
I planned it and pleased with how everything turned out.
18:10
And I'm like, see, like I had to let her know, like, look, you've
18:14
raised me well, I think, you know, it was just me and you, a
18:18
lot of the things that you know, you've taught me, I have not
18:21
forgot about all of the things that you've liked, you know,
18:25
over the years, for example, Calla lilies, right?
18:27
Like my mom has always loved calla lilies and she had this
18:30
particular like, faux bouquet that she really want.
18:33
It had like little pearls on it and stuff that she really wanted
18:36
me to use. And I'm like, I don't like that.
18:39
I don't want that. And it was the biggest argument.
18:42
And then when I walked down the aisle with calla lilies, she's
18:45
crying like, Oh my God, those are my favorite flowers.
18:47
Just trust me, girl. Like, you know what I mean?
18:49
Like, trust me, you don't have to worry.
18:52
Like, I know it may not be what you're thinking, but I'm also
18:54
thinking about how I can, you know, make you happy too.
18:58
So it just takes work and it takes really, really setting
19:04
those boundaries to just to stay sane, honestly.
19:11
For real, for real. And I love what you're saying
19:16
about basically our parents need a moment to see the the seeds
19:22
that they planted their fruit and your wedding shower
19:26
planting, all those things are a version of the fruit.
19:30
Like I see you. I hear you.
19:32
It was validating in some sort of way when she probably just
19:35
wanted to make her presence known because she's like, this
19:38
is my daughter, my only daughter, you know?
19:41
So let me make this as easy as possible, as beautiful as
19:45
possible when you like. No, I got it.
19:48
Yeah, just come, just come. You'll be happy.
19:54
Yes. So you said earlier, let me try
19:59
to remember how you said it, but you basically said where
20:02
everything is going wrong. What do you mean by that?
20:06
Well, I wish I could remember what was I.
20:09
Talking about You were just talking about their everything
20:11
is going wrong in their lives. You were talking about your
20:13
parents. Yeah.
20:15
I mean, you know, I think at this point, health stuff like,
20:22
you know, things that and, you know, I have a dog, so he's
20:25
fighting his way into this thing right now.
20:27
When I was in law school, my mom had a stroke and I didn't know
20:31
that she had a stroke. Of course she didn't had Naya.
20:36
Well, yeah, because like I didn't really know.
20:38
It was my first year and that was when I lost my aunt who was
20:43
like, I like 3 moms. I had my mom, my aunt who was
20:48
her sister. I had a great aunt that I was
20:50
super tight with that you know, about.
20:53
But one of my aunts passed away and I didn't find out that my
20:56
mom had had a stroke until I got to the funeral for my aunt.
20:59
And someone's like, yeah, I heard your mom had a stroke.
21:01
I'm like, my, my mom had a stroke.
21:05
But she's like, I didn't want to stress you, you know, I didn't
21:07
want to put too much on you. I'm fine.
21:09
You know, like, I didn't even know that I had a stroke.
21:11
Like everything is OK. And I think that was really what
21:15
was the starting point of me recognizing that my mom is not
21:20
superwoman. And then, you know, I went
21:23
through law school, everything was good.
21:24
But then when I got to Atlanta, it started to be like smaller
21:27
things like, well, I have asthma now.
21:29
Never knew you had asthma, but OK.
21:32
I don't even think she knew. But it was just a new diagnosis.
21:34
And then it just would be like diagnosis after diagnosis.
21:37
Nothing that was really too, too concerning, but just things that
21:41
she's being monitored for, you know, back in doctor, you know,
21:45
saying she should have a hip replacement, but she refusing to
21:47
have a hip, you know, like just things, right.
21:51
And it's just the reality of in this in black families too, is
21:56
that a lot of us, I would say older generations, they really
22:00
didn't go to the doctor. Like my mom has a huge fear of
22:04
dentist. So like I would, I remember as a
22:06
kid, I used to be like, please, like just go.
22:08
Like when I go, we can go together.
22:09
Like you have to go, you know, they teach you in school or we
22:11
go to the dentist. You got to go twice.
22:13
You should come with me. Like it's they're not gonna hurt
22:16
you. Like, that's what I say, like
22:17
about roller coasters, right? Like, ain't nobody died on this
22:20
roller coaster. Like the likelihood that my
22:22
friend's gonna die is love. But we don't get on this roller
22:26
coaster, right? So like, I'm just, I just kind
22:28
of look at things Glass. Well, OK, your glass half empty.
22:34
Got it. But so like I tried to nap.
22:38
Absolutely. I see ain't nobody.
22:42
OK, We can talk about that when we get off, but we going to a
22:45
amusement park together and we get on a roller coaster.
22:48
But I try to have that with my mom, glass half full.
22:52
With my dad, glass half full. He had a recent cancer diagnosis
22:55
and, you know, I was yeah, everything is going to be OK.
23:00
Like you're going to be OK. I'm going to help you through
23:02
this with boundaries. You know, we're going to be OK.
23:06
But I think that it's just difficult when you have parents
23:09
who've never really had, they've been healthy their whole life
23:12
and not needed to go to the doctor, not needed to see
23:15
specialists and things like that.
23:16
And now we're at a point where I'm having to sit on the phone
23:19
with them when they go to their appointments or I'm in their my
23:22
chart messaging with their doctors.
23:24
And it's a complete 180 from, you know, when I was a kid.
23:27
And they're the ones handling all that for me.
23:30
So you know that that part is hard, but also reminds me to
23:35
really be present in my life, to make sure that I'm healthy and
23:38
I'm doing the things I need to do so that hopefully when I get
23:41
to be their age, I don't have to deal with some of these things.
23:43
Some things are inevitable and it's just in the cards.
23:45
But. Yeah.
23:47
You know, it just wakes you up a little bit.
23:49
It's it's it just jolts you into the right direction.
23:53
Yeah. So how was it?
23:56
You said your dad had a recent cancer diagnosis?
23:59
So how was it when you got that news?
24:06
Well, you know, I'm a practicing attorney, so I think that in,
24:11
you know, if there's any attorneys that listen to your
24:14
paw, you know, we have year end deadlines.
24:18
So he just, I mean I don't want to say he decides to tell me but
24:22
we find out or he finds out like right as my year end.
24:26
Deadline, he found out. Yeah, right.
24:28
So it's like I'm, I'm now having to compartmentalize, like I need
24:32
to get this deadline time. I have, I'm traveling for
24:36
depositions and things like that.
24:38
But as soon as this is over, I'm going to turn my attention to my
24:41
dad. I'm going to respond to him.
24:42
I'm going to acknowledge what's happened.
24:45
I'm going to try not to allow my mind to go off into a million
24:48
different directions. I'm going to try not to ChatGPT
24:53
and Google what all this stuff means that he's screenshotting
24:56
me and sending me, right? I'm going to try not to do that.
24:59
I'm going to focus on things that I need to focus on because
25:02
it's going to be a bigger problem if I don't handle what I
25:04
need to handle right now. But once I was able to get past
25:09
the work stuff, it was difficult.
25:12
I mean, my dad is a type of, I mean, you know, I was raised by
25:16
my mom. So me and my dad have a great
25:19
relationship, but it's never really been one where I know
25:21
about his health. I know about things that are
25:23
going on like that, especially with prostate.
25:27
I just feel like it's very from like it's just not something
25:30
that me and my dad would have talked about, but he's single.
25:34
You know, he's alone, like not alone, but you know, he doesn't
25:38
have like the support that some other people would typically
25:41
have. So I am next in line.
25:43
I am his emergency contract. I am the one that's receiving
25:46
all the notifications. So it's been hard and I probably
25:52
need to start setting some therapy appointments for that.
25:54
But you know, it's, we're just going to work through it.
25:58
He has like another appointment coming up.
26:00
So I'll either I'm going to fly to DC or I'm going to be on the
26:04
phone on FaceTime making sure things are good.
26:07
It I think just that that whole diagnosis has been it's new.
26:12
So it's like I think if we can figure out what his treatment
26:15
plan is, I'll feel a little bit more comfortable with this.
26:19
But I think because we're still in limbo about like what's next.
26:25
But the prognosis for that type of cancer is typically pretty
26:28
good. So I'm just hopeful, like I
26:30
said, glass house full. I'm hopeful that we'll, you
26:33
know, settle out, not settle out, but, you know, just mellow
26:36
out and he'll be OK. Glass half full, He'll be fine.
26:42
Yeah, yeah. And, and I get it.
26:45
My mom is currently undergoing cancer treatment.
26:48
So she was initially diagnosed with lung cancer back in March,
26:52
stage 4, and she did her chemo and everything and we were like,
26:57
OK, things are in the clear. And we were about to like plan a
27:02
trip because she's wanting to go to New York because we were
27:05
going to go last year, but I got COVID.
27:08
So random. I had never had COVID.
27:09
I got COVID last November for the very first time while.
27:13
Wait, when were you trying? To yellow.
27:14
So we rescheduled. We were going to go in November.
27:19
Last November we were going to go, but I got sick and then I
27:22
cancelled it. Well, you know, we got had to
27:25
cancel her flight and everything to come here and then it got
27:28
cold. So it was like we'll wait till
27:30
it warms up a little bit. And then in the spring, she
27:35
tells us that there's a mass in her lungs.
27:40
And so we're like, OK, right, trying, you know, going through
27:44
that. So like I resonate with like,
27:46
what do we do? Because she's in a different
27:48
state. None of there's three of us.
27:49
None of us live in the same state as her, right?
27:52
And trying to figure out how to get care.
27:55
And she's not the most savvy with technology either.
28:00
So that makes it hard, like, and then it's we, we thought she was
28:07
like, you know, in the, in the clear.
28:08
But then they found a mass in her brain.
28:12
What? So yeah.
28:14
And then they, then she started radiation and then.
28:18
Where did she live? Spot on her neck.
28:20
She's a Mississippi child. God bless her.
28:22
Y'all pray to? Mississippi, because when you
28:25
said different states, I thought she was in Wisconsin.
28:27
I didn't know she was in Mississippi.
28:29
No, she's in Mississippi because that's where my family like
28:34
Southern roots thanks to enslavement of my family with
28:39
the great migration there in Mississippi and basically in
28:42
Racine on the maternal side. So Mississippi and Wisconsin on
28:45
the maternal side. But yeah, all of this stuff is
28:48
really difficult to try to coordinate stuff.
28:51
So like, I, I really get it. I'm glad that your dad's isn't
29:00
so progressive or aggressive. He has an uncle who went through
29:04
prostate cancer. He was able to have surgery.
29:07
He's still with us. He's doing his thing like
29:09
nothing. That's.
29:09
What I'm seeing, I'm just seeing.
29:11
Him age too. Yeah, it's crazy.
29:17
It's crazy. I blame our food.
29:19
Yeah. But we could have a different
29:21
part for that. Seriously, girl, Yeah.
29:26
We're not going to talk about food and what happened when I
29:28
was just in Atlantic with you. Oh.
29:31
No, I have no. Food here.
29:38
OK, so how do you, so you talked about therapy, how that helps
29:43
with like resentment. So if like you've experienced
29:48
that at all, like any moments of guilt or resentment and feeling
29:53
overwhelmed, like, how do you handle those moments, you know?
29:58
I think it's just hard. It's hard.
30:02
Again, I think there are probably so many people who
30:04
listen that are not an only child and they maybe have
30:08
siblings that are, you know, involved too.
30:11
I come from a very unfortunate perspective of I can't call my
30:15
sister or brother and be like, call your Mama today, you know,
30:18
check on your mom. So I feel a lot of resentment
30:22
and guilt when I do sometimes set those boundaries.
30:27
And that means that I don't call my dad this week or I don't
30:32
answer the phone when my mom calls me.
30:36
Not necessarily because there's beef or I have a problem.
30:40
It's just because there's other things going on at this present
30:43
moment that that's taking my attention.
30:46
Whether that means I'm, you know, I've had a really like
30:49
tiring week or rough exhausting week.
30:52
I mean, I've had weeks where I've had like 8 depos in a week.
30:56
8 depositions in one week is unheard.
30:58
It's crazy. But there are some weeks like
31:00
that where I have that and I just can't be on the phone with
31:03
my mom venting about the neighbor who found a snake in
31:08
her yard. You know, like it's like, I
31:10
don't care, you know, I just don't.
31:12
And so, you know, it's stuff like that sometimes where I, I
31:16
do feel bad because it's like, Dang, like there could be that
31:19
one time I don't answer the phone and then I can't talk to
31:22
my mom again because something has happened that and I go that
31:25
far sometimes with your dad and my therapist was like, stop, you
31:32
know, like don't do that. Don't think that way.
31:35
Just when you have that time, call them.
31:37
And so for example, last night, I was actually thinking about
31:42
today and I was like, you know what, I really do need to talk
31:44
to my parents. And I had planned to call both
31:47
of them back-to-back, but the call of my mom was like 45
31:50
minutes. And I just sat on the phone.
31:52
I had one headphone in, was listening to TV, you know, like
31:55
low key multitasking, just letting her just vent about her
31:59
day. That was the best part of her
32:01
day was just telling me all her day.
32:04
I didn't care about half of what she was talking about, right?
32:06
Like, but like, at least she was able to just vent about her day
32:12
and feel like someone was listening and cares.
32:15
And her daughter, who she loves so much, you know, that was the
32:19
perfect ending of her day. I didn't have the capacity to
32:22
call my dad last night, so I'm going to call him today.
32:25
But either way, I make time for them.
32:29
And when I do that, it does help remove some of the resentment
32:32
and guilt that I do feel sometimes when I set those
32:35
matters. For example, with my mom, she
32:37
likes to call me every morning when usually around that time
32:42
I'm about to go to work or I'm going to work.
32:45
And with the type of job I have and the type of people I work
32:47
with, I just need to get my mind right, right.
32:50
Like for the day, not answer, but I'll just text her and be
32:55
like, I'm on the way to work. And she's like, oh, I know like
32:58
and she knows that now because she has my location on Life 360.
33:02
That is the best thing that I could have done for us is for
33:05
her to just see like I'm at my desk or Oh, I'm at work.
33:08
That's why she's not answering the phone.
33:10
Not necessarily. I don't want to talk, you know
33:12
what I mean? And so because we have that
33:14
connection now, she can see me moving around, she can see when
33:18
I'm at home. It just makes her feel more
33:21
connected And it it allows her that that just piece of knowing
33:25
that I'm OK and then she'll stop blowing my phone up.
33:29
My dad boundaries. I don't really need to set those
33:32
with him that much, but he'll say things like about time my
33:37
daughter called me or I wish you would call me more and it's
33:41
like, OK, you can call me too, you know.
33:43
So like we'll just play around and I'll call times or he'll
33:47
call me sometimes. And I think just making that
33:50
effort of just touching base is really all they want, you know,
33:54
when there is distance. But sometimes it's hard for us
33:56
because, you know, we have our own lives that we're building
33:59
and that we're fostering. And sometimes if we just don't
34:02
have, but we can make a second, you know, to just call and check
34:07
in, you can always be like, you know, well, I've got to go make
34:10
dinner now, but I'll call you tomorrow.
34:12
I'll call you this week. And that's all they want, you
34:14
know, they just want to make sure you're good.
34:17
Yeah. Those touch points are so
34:20
important, and it sounds like the Life 360 is a way of, like,
34:26
allowing you to have, like, passive presents where she can.
34:28
Yeah, because there are some of those parents who, like you
34:32
said, they will blow your phone up, but they're used to having,
34:38
they're used to having that access.
34:40
And that changes when you become an adult, when you're even when
34:45
you're in school, right, You still have time because you're
34:48
not working. So school is demanding, but you
34:51
have the times you're in class. And unless you're in an exam
34:57
that's like outside of class time, like you generally would
35:01
answer, where now it's like, no, people are paying me for my time
35:05
and my presence. I'm not available to do that.
35:08
I have to Bill. Yes, like my billable hour like
35:13
I have to do, I have to bill every six minute increment that
35:16
I work and I need to work a lot of hours a year, you know what I
35:21
mean. So just that available.
35:24
Units. It's stupid.
35:27
It ain't going nowhere, but it's stupid.
35:29
In fact, AI is making it more demanding in more strict, you
35:33
know, Oh well, it's part of the game.
35:38
Yeah, it is and you get used to doing it.
35:40
I understood. But I was just so glad when I
35:42
got out of a job where I did not have to do billable units like
35:45
that anymore like that. Hate it.
35:49
And then with your dad, I love that he actually said call me
35:54
more because that's I don't vulnerability.
35:59
Oh my. OK, so yes, I would have.
36:02
I don't because it's like will you call me?
36:06
But no, that is one thing that I both.
36:08
Ways. Oh.
36:10
For sure, But you know me, Jeannie, and you know I, my mom
36:14
used to call me NIA wept when I was younger because I'll, I'll
36:17
be crying and it really isn't because like, I mean, I am a
36:22
cry. Hold on.
36:23
Hold on. Yeah.
36:24
Hold on. Yeah.
36:25
Ma Miss Kathy. So, so I have to tell you, you
36:29
were so one summer, I was at like summer camp when I was a
36:34
kid. I had to have been in I was in
36:36
like elementary school, but young first second grade age and
36:42
I cried the whole summer. I don't know why I cried the
36:45
whole summer, but I'm a cancer so that makes that's probably
36:48
why. But either way, I cried the
36:49
whole summer. So my mom was like when they ask
36:51
you when you get back to school what you did all summer, you
36:54
should probably just tell them NIA wept.
36:56
And so for a long time my family used to joke with me and call me
36:59
NIA wept. But it was like it was a cute
37:01
joke. It was OK, not too much of my
37:04
mom because. It was cute at the time.
37:10
It was. It was smart.
37:11
I like a smart shady joke. I told you, I told.
37:15
You I. Want to elementary school naya?
37:19
But my mom is super feisty, no emotion.
37:22
I never really saw much emotion from her growing up.
37:24
But my dad, my dad is so emotional, well in tune with his
37:29
feelings, not afraid to show me his emotions, not afraid.
37:34
I mean, there's been times we've got on the phone together, you
37:36
know, like, and I so appreciate that from my dad because you
37:41
just don't see men that way. And I love that.
37:44
Like you said, I do love that he's vulnerable in that sense,
37:47
because it's my freaking dad. If my dad wants to cry, cry, you
37:53
know, like I I just don't feel like that's anything wrong with
37:57
my in fact, I think it really humanizes him and it it makes me
38:01
love him more because he has that soft side about him, But I
38:04
think it's where I get it from really nature.
38:08
I think the nature side of me because I didn't spend that much
38:11
time with him, but still I have that, you know, that just I'm
38:16
into with my emotions. I love my I love being emotional
38:19
and I think that everyone should tap into their emotions and I
38:22
just I appreciate that about him.
38:24
So I guess if that was him being vulnerable, cool.
38:27
But I really think it was just him being like, I want my
38:29
daughter to call me so-called. OK, that's fair too.
38:32
But yeah, he could just pick up the phone.
38:34
If you think about me, just call me dad and I'll do the same, you
38:37
know? Yeah.
38:39
Yeah, because. Those are, you know, those are
38:41
some sweet moments that you all can have.
38:44
So you talked a little bit about therapy and giving yourself,
38:49
what I heard was grace with, you know, communicating with them.
38:53
How are some other ways that you're able to create space and
38:57
take care of yourself without feeling like you're letting the
39:00
people down? Really think that's it.
39:04
I mean, because I'm not in Virginia and I'm not close to
39:08
them, I just have no choice but to create that.
39:12
I mean, the space is there so that yeah, it's there.
39:17
I think just setting those healthy boundaries is just the
39:20
best thing that I could have done.
39:22
For example, when he shared with me his diagnosis, we talked
39:27
about it. We weren't on the phone that
39:28
long because it's like, well, we bout to start, you know, like I
39:33
know us, we bout to start crying.
39:35
So let's just take the night, you know, tonight, you know, I
39:39
let him know. And also I think to answer your
39:42
question also just being honest about what my work week was
39:46
like, right? Like I let him know, look, I am
39:49
traveling the next few days. It was like a Tuesday or
39:53
Wednesday when he told me. I'm like, I will reach back out
39:55
to you over the weekend. Certainly if you need anything
39:57
at all, please call me. I'll be checking in.
40:00
But like I just I can't do. You know the phone, like the
40:04
long phone calls or us trying to figure out what's next and piece
40:08
together all this information right now.
40:11
So just being straight up with them I think has been beneficial
40:14
because at least they know why I'm I'm not just ignoring them
40:19
or I'm not just speaking to them at this time because I don't
40:23
want to. Sometimes I just don't want to,
40:25
but at least I let them know I look.
40:27
I just need a second, you know, I'll reach back out or let me
40:30
know if you need anything, but just give me a day or two to
40:32
kind of process what you're telling me.
40:36
It's the best I can do. That's so good.
40:38
So I'm hearing like honest and authentic communication and
40:42
knowing your limits and like what your capacity is that day,
40:46
because sometimes it can be damaging if you push past that
40:51
certain threshold that you have. So that's that's really good in
40:54
that like you're modeling this for them without saying it, but
40:58
you're kind of like, OK, dad, we got to go, you know, like this
41:03
is is too much. When both of us was getting like
41:06
the frog in our throat, I was like, all right, dad, I'm a
41:09
holler at you. I love you so much.
41:12
I love you so much. I'm going to call, you know,
41:14
like because he can hear it in my voice.
41:16
I can hear it in his voice. This isn't going to be it's only
41:19
going to hurt us both for both of us to be sad on its phone
41:21
right now when obviously we're both very sad emotions.
41:24
Our emotions are very high. Let's just take a second to come
41:28
back to this conversation when we both had a second to kind of
41:31
process what we were facing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:40
Understood. So Nya, did you want to talk
41:45
about any of the elements of your step parents?
41:48
And I think I'm grateful for my step dad because he's a friend
41:52
for her, you know, like he's there with her, you know, I love
41:59
my step dad, you know, that's my dog.
42:01
So we've always had a good relationship and I really I
42:06
don't like, I don't think I've ever really like.
42:08
Dad's name again. Kevin, I used to call him Jack,
42:12
OK? Because I just like, that's
42:12
right. Yeah.
42:14
So. Maybe that's why I didn't
42:17
realize his name was Kevin. Yeah, he's maybe not Yeah, like
42:21
used to. Repress.
42:22
Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, he's, I love
42:25
that she has companionship. Oh my God, I don't know what I
42:28
would do if she didn't have companionship.
42:32
So yeah, that's good that she has that.
42:35
But my dad, his wife is in Jamaica, so he has
42:41
companionship. But I think right now it's just,
42:43
and it's just, again, this is just when my parents go through
42:47
things. Even my mom though, even though
42:49
she has companionship, they I'm next in line sometimes.
42:53
So like with my dad having his cancer diagnosis and then his
42:56
wife being in Jamaica, we're trying to figure out if she's
43:00
OK. You know, like after the
43:01
hurricane, all of this was at the same time.
43:04
I haven't, I'm giving you an update.
43:05
Like I still don't know if she's going to ask.
43:09
If you all were able to touch base with her.
43:12
I need to actually ask him when I call him today.
43:14
I'm going to ask. But I did look at WhatsApp and
43:16
it showed like the two little blue check marks.
43:18
So it looks like she's actually like been able to at least turn
43:21
on her phone in the messages. She didn't respond.
43:24
But hey, as long as she's a good, I just, you know, I just
43:28
want to make sure she's good. But yeah, because she's so far
43:32
away, it just, you know, I'm next in line still so.
43:37
Yeah, that's entire. No, the Hurricanes and the
43:41
diagnosis hit back-to-back. Back-to-back, actually, I think
43:47
the hurricane. Was like.
43:49
It on a Monday and then my dad told me that maybe Tuesday,
43:52
Wednesday or it may have it wasn't a full week apart.
43:55
Same week. Family.
43:59
That right there, that's this is the type of stuff that can bring
44:02
people to their knees. And if you're not in therapy, if
44:07
you don't have some type of spiritual grounding faith like
44:11
God, like these things can derail your life.
44:17
But that's why I think emotions are important, because you just
44:21
cry. I just once I cry, I'm good.
44:23
It's like a release. Aren't.
44:26
Go ahead. Oh no, I was just saying, now
44:29
we're back at it and I've cried, I've gotten it out and now I can
44:33
push forward. Yeah, but there's also an opioid
44:38
that's released when we cry. Now don't give me the line about
44:42
the name of it, but I looked it up at some point.
44:45
But when we cried, there's literally an opioid.
44:48
So there is pain relief. That's how like dope God
44:52
designed us, you cry, your body produces a natural pain reliever
44:57
to make you feel better, but also really crying out like
45:01
cortisol, which is the stress hormone.
45:04
So there's so much, so much of A release for sure.
45:07
That nap. After a good.
45:09
Cry what? You can't tell me nothing
45:12
because. I might go cry.
45:15
You got to re. You have to reset, yes.
45:19
So talk to me about the role of faith for you in this season and
45:24
the impact it's had on how you've been, you know, dealing
45:27
with this transition. I think for me, my faith is
45:32
that, you know, like God has never, never, ever, ever, ever,
45:37
ever left me, right, or any of us.
45:40
And I think once I put that back into perspective, you know, I,
45:46
it just kind of just regrounds me because we go through so
45:51
much. Everybody goes through so much
45:52
stuff that's silent stuff. We don't, you know, talk about
45:55
stuff that other people may know, stuff that you know, and
45:59
we've always made it to the other.
46:00
I've always made it to the other side, period.
46:03
I've dealt with grief and loss and betrayal and all the things.
46:07
But at the end of the day, I've made it to the other side so
46:10
much so they're like, I don't even remember half of the stuff
46:13
that I've gone through. And in the moment, though,
46:17
habilitating, like you said, it brings you to your knees, you
46:20
know. But at the end of the day, when
46:22
I reflect back, I always just feel so grateful that I have
46:28
made it. And I know that just shows me
46:30
God is real, right? Like because the stuff that we
46:33
go through, the stuff that we're faced with is intended to break
46:37
us. It's intended to make us not
46:40
want to keep pushing. But yet and still each time
46:44
we're back and we're better, even though that sounds so good,
46:47
but I'm back and I'm better and I'm, you know, I've made it to
46:50
the other side with no issue. So I think that just reorients
46:55
my brain like, you know, when my aunt passed, when your aunt
46:59
passed, that was probably the heart loss that we've ever dealt
47:04
with. I remember how terrible it felt
47:07
member, but I don't right. Like I remember how bad it felt,
47:11
but I don't remember that pain really that I was feeling
47:16
because I've, because I've been, you know, I feel like God has
47:19
just healed my heart, you know, is it sad?
47:22
Do I still, you know, cry some time?
47:24
Yes. But that deep, deep, deep loss
47:29
and pain I don't feel. And that's, I can't say that
47:32
that's anything but. So I think that is what kind of
47:37
just keeps me going. I know that I'll always be OK.
47:41
I know that my mom will be all right.
47:43
I know that my dad will be all right.
47:44
I know that our family will be all right because we've always
47:47
been all right. I always say this, though, and
47:50
it's it's very like kind of borderline cliche.
47:54
But I remember when I was at Howard and one of our child
47:58
coaches, we would like complain, right?
48:01
Like, oh, this is so much work or oh, this is just too much or
48:04
oh, and she would be like, do you know that our ancestors were
48:09
slaves? Do you think they complain the
48:11
way that you complain? Do you think that this would be
48:14
hard for them? You know, like and that's the
48:17
case, cool, but I just want you to know that you tripping right
48:21
now. Like that's literally how she
48:23
would talk to us. And I know that she didn't mean
48:25
for it to come across in any negative way and it didn't for
48:28
me. But it also just showed me that
48:30
like, whatever I'm going through, it could be and it has
48:34
been a million times worse for my ancestors and I'll be
48:38
alright. Yeah.
48:40
And you, you didn't just go to any old random law school.
48:43
You went to Howard Law, the home of Thurgood Marshall.
48:50
Exactly. Yeah.
48:52
And we know why he went to Howard.
48:55
He originally, you know, applied to University of Maryland.
48:59
They would not have him. So like, literally you.
49:04
Are we even though, Yes, it is hard, but sometimes we need that
49:08
perspective. We're so calm then that we don't
49:10
even realize sometimes that we're living in the like this.
49:16
You know when, when, when it snows, someone's walked and you
49:20
can step in those footprints so you don't have to get snow all
49:24
over everything or just makes it a little bit easier.
49:28
Or that path, you can see the shortcut.
49:30
All the people have walked in. It's made it easier for you.
49:34
We can easily forget that. So it's hard for us.
49:36
Now imagine what it was like for them, right?
49:40
And it doesn't mean that it's not hard, but it's one of those
49:43
things to remind you of gratitude because that's that,
49:47
that complaining. It feels good, but it can also
49:50
contribute to more feelings of negativity, more anxiety,
49:54
feeling more depressed, and then everything is a problem.
49:58
You know what I mean? After a while and when we forget
50:01
to look at what is. Yeah.
50:06
So I'm glad you, you know, had someone you could commiserate
50:12
with a bit, but then also someone to remind you just,
50:15
like, where you are, who you are and how this is possible.
50:19
Yeah. Yeah.
50:21
And what you were talking about, just like the highs and lows
50:24
that was literally going with today's sermon at church with
50:30
almost anybody you can think of in the Bible, right?
50:33
Like that, those big stories, there were loaves, and some of
50:39
them, their lives did like this. Especially David.
50:42
Because David, man, he knew he was supposed to be king and he
50:46
was still out there shepherding. Exactly.
50:50
He knew he was anointed to be king and he's having to run for
50:56
his life from Saul be on the run.
50:59
Like it's like God just God just really does things that how he
51:04
takes people from these highs and lows.
51:07
And like you said, these things are meant to bring us to our
51:09
knees because that's where we meet God.
51:13
And I think God allows these things to happen because he
51:16
never wants us to live a life that does not require him.
51:22
And so when we get too far and we act like we don't have time
51:25
for God, you just wait. That thing is around the corner.
51:29
So it's best to just stay locked in because you're going to have
51:33
a low anyway. And so you're going to already
51:36
locked in. It's a lot easier to get
51:38
through. And I know that's been
51:39
significant for me with my mom going through cancer and her
51:43
treatment because radiation has been taxing on her and not
51:48
having a traditional relationship in itself.
51:50
I think that complicates it a little bit more too, but just
51:55
because as soon as I got worried about that diagnosis, I was
51:59
like, Nope, I said, God, I don't want this because all that loss
52:03
and grief. So you highlighted my aunt, but
52:05
you know, I my loss and grief started in 2014 with my niece.
52:10
You remember, I, girl, you was right there with me at the White
52:14
House when I was sitting at my desk looking just like I was
52:18
dissociating, disconnected from my only there and body and just
52:22
tapping and typing away and not talking to people just there,
52:27
right? So like it started there and
52:29
then every year something else happened.
52:32
Somebody got sick, somebody got cancer, somebody died.
52:36
Like them funerals and like it went on from 14 until 19 with my
52:43
Aunt Marlene. And if I were to count it, but
52:46
it didn't directly impact me as much as the household.
52:51
The man I used to be married to his mother, then died in 2020
52:55
right before like, the world shut down.
52:57
Like got back in the country like months, few days later,
53:02
everything shut down. Right.
53:04
So just like, yeah, yeah. It was so like, there's just
53:11
like so much there. So I went through this extended
53:14
season of it, and I guess I needed all of those.
53:20
Those were the warm up because it made hers.
53:24
I was able to come out of it, right.
53:26
Because the other ones that just kept rolling and rolling and
53:29
rolling and after hers, I started to come out of it in
53:32
2020. But this all started in 2014.
53:37
Wow. Yeah.
53:38
Yeah. And then you lived in my
53:39
building. Yeah.
53:43
Yeah, you were back and then I was like yeah, girl, move over
53:46
here. Yes.
53:47
How is Cali, please, please. Yeah, yes, yes.
53:59
So girl, 'cause Riley is what, 8 now?
54:05
Yeah. Riley.
54:07
Riley. Yeah.
54:08
But see, you didn't really get to meet Rocco.
54:12
No, nothing compared to Rocco. Oh, OK.
54:21
Oh, oh, oh. Because Callie went home right
54:26
before he came. OK, OK, OK.
54:30
And you have to study for the bar and focus.
54:31
Yeah. OK, girl, all the memories are
54:34
coming back. Is Callie.
54:36
Oh my gosh, The way she used to be looking at Riley, Like, go
54:39
sit down somewhere, like dogs are hilarious.
54:44
But yeah, why are you all up on me, Sir?
54:50
Yes. She was like the IT girl, like a
54:53
senior and a freshman. Like I'll but girl, Allie, that
55:02
was my Boo though. After that, that's how I had we
55:05
had to get another dog. So you're like Riley misses
55:08
Callie. We could tell after like Callie
55:11
stay with us for those like 2 weeks or however long it was.
55:15
I'm just like, yeah, he's lonely now but Oh my goodness.
55:22
But yeah, God, we need him and any world where that we don't
55:30
he's not having it. God is the jealous guy, but I
55:34
also think that he's not he's not that hard to please.
55:37
We just have to deny ourselves and know that he'll reward us.
55:40
But that's you know, that's the struggle cause sin feels so
55:43
good. Be let's be honest until it's
55:47
till it's done, then you when you owe afterwards now you
55:50
didn't paid for the seconds of pleasure of enjoyment.
55:56
Is it really worth it? Yeah.
56:03
For real. It's not because I just be like,
56:05
Nah, no. How that go.
56:06
We're not young and dumb no more.
56:10
You still look young. You just don't have that baby
56:13
face anymore. OK.
56:14
Of course. Of course.
56:21
Are there any particular scriptures or prayers that have
56:25
helped you to, you know, get through this season that really
56:29
like, you know, keep you going or if you're feeling low,
56:33
they'll pick you back up? They're just, you know, sustain
56:35
you. Huh.
57:48
Yeah, yeah, OK.
58:19
You know, I just had to look it up.
58:30
Yeah, Yep, you got it. I seek knock.
58:33
That's it. Yeah, it is.
59:15
And I'm looking at that Scripture the way you said ask,
59:18
seek, knock. This is what I mean when I say,
59:21
or if anyone has ever heard me say, like it's not complex with
59:25
God, it's so simple. Those are always the answers.
59:30
Ask, seek and knock. When you don't know, ask, go
59:36
look for it, you know, seek the scriptures, seek God, talk to
59:41
him or just knock on the door, man.
59:43
And when you really get in your word, you can start to see this
59:48
because I'm I'm I'm so proud of me.
59:52
Thank you so much, God. I am getting through the Bible.
59:55
Oh, thank you, but this specifically.
1:00:00
I know you are, but I was going to say this is specifically for
1:00:03
getting through the Bible in a year.
1:00:06
So I've been, I started it last November.
1:00:09
At the end of this, before this month ends, I will have finished
1:00:12
the Bible. Now I'm a I'm a audio girly.
1:00:16
So I listen, but like, yeah. And I, I, I'm more of a audio
1:00:24
learner, like, and I hear it, it soaks in in a different way, but
1:00:28
reading it is good too. But when I, if I, if I hear it,
1:00:31
it's on. But there are so many scriptures
1:00:36
and things that are in here that I'm like, yo, the answers really
1:00:43
are in here. And like today I was in Hebrews,
1:00:49
you know, Hebrews 11/1 right now.
1:00:52
Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of
1:00:54
things not seen. People start there.
1:00:56
But that chapter girl, it run down all the receipts like if
1:01:02
you ever have doubts about like God and what he does and who he
1:01:08
is, his track record. I was listening this morning.
1:01:11
I said not you running everything down from the Old
1:01:16
Testament to present about how God really shows up like naming
1:01:20
names, Esther, David, like they were saying other names and
1:01:24
stuff like that that I didn't even able.
1:01:27
They started talking about Abel at first they were talking about
1:01:29
the faith of Enoch. Then they went on to talk about
1:01:33
the faith of Noah, Abraham, Sarah, like Hebrews Chapter 11.
1:01:42
They run everybody down and I was like, this is so good.
1:01:50
Like if you ever have doubts about God, just go read Hebrews
1:01:57
11 like in that verse. That's that's just the like whet
1:02:02
your appetite, like the receipts follow.
1:02:05
But like, I think that's that's it's so important and the
1:02:08
scripture is so simple. And because God says like he who
1:02:11
has ears, let him hear. He who has eyes, let them see.
1:02:14
We have to want it and we have to ask God, God, give me wisdom,
1:02:20
give me discernment. We really have not because we
1:02:23
ask, not like and like, because we don't seek because we don't,
1:02:28
not, we don't, you know what I mean?
1:02:30
Like it's exactly what you said. And it's so beautiful when you
1:02:35
can rest in that simplicity, knowing who your father is and
1:02:41
what he would do for you through you.
1:02:45
And it's it's, it's really and truly amazing.
1:02:50
And This is why we have to know our word, man, girl.
1:02:57
I just be getting overwhelmed now because I'm like, and I'll
1:03:00
be having to apologize to the guy like, I'm sorry, I didn't
1:03:02
know. This is why they say people
1:03:04
perish for a lack of knowledge. OK, let me, let me calm down.
1:03:16
Girl, girl, it's so good. It's so simple.
1:03:23
It really is. So how do you reconcile your
1:03:30
faith in God's goodness with the pain, the unknown, the
1:03:35
uncertainty that comes with, you know, having aging parents and
1:03:42
all these things just unfolding and happening, as they would say
1:03:46
out of the blue? OK,
1:04:09
Yep. Girl, yeah.
1:05:34
Yeah, yeah.
1:06:18
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
1:07:04
And see, this is what I love when things happening in my life
1:07:09
align with the sermons. Like I'm like God does this
1:07:13
thing where it runs parallel when I'm learning.
1:07:15
And then the application is like right before or right after and
1:07:19
connecting the dots. So one of the Scriptures today
1:07:22
was from Ecclesiastes 3. That's the There's a time for
1:07:25
everything, the season for every activity under the heavens.
1:07:28
A time to be born and a time to die.
1:07:31
Time to die. A time to plant, A time to
1:07:33
uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal.
1:07:36
A time to tear down and a time to build.
1:07:40
A time to weep and a time to laugh.
1:07:42
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
1:07:45
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
1:07:49
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
1:07:53
A time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep, a time
1:07:58
to throw away. And it continues to go on and
1:08:01
on. There's like 14 different things
1:08:03
in there, right? So to me, this this covers
1:08:06
almost everything, right? A time to tear, a time to mend,
1:08:09
a time to be silent, a time to speak, a time to love, a time to
1:08:13
hate, a time for war, a time for peace.
1:08:16
So with all the chaos that's ever going on, this is
1:08:21
Ecclesiastes chapter 3. That's one through 8.
1:08:26
The Bible tells us there's a time for it.
1:08:28
So what you know is on the other side of that, like all those ups
1:08:32
and downs we're talking about, on the other side of that is
1:08:36
going to be the goodness. We just have to hold on to God.
1:08:41
We have to endure. But like things, it's just
1:08:44
inevitable. It is the course of of life.
1:08:48
That doesn't mean that you can't feel some type of way that you
1:08:54
shouldn't acknowledge it and that you should just like
1:08:56
disregard. We're not built like that.
1:08:58
We're built with all these emotions.
1:09:00
Allow yourself to feel them. Like you were saying you got big
1:09:03
emotions and allowing yourself to feel them.
1:09:05
That's going to be critical to get through this.
1:09:09
So I love that we have context for it, but like, if we're not
1:09:13
tapped in, we don't know. We don't know, or you've heard
1:09:18
it, but you haven't figured out the application or that's the
1:09:21
last thing you're thinking about sometimes.
1:09:25
So what advice would you give to others who are struggling to
1:09:30
hold on to their faith while supporting aging parents?
1:10:14
Yeah, yeah.
1:11:24
Yeah, yes.
1:12:51
Yeah, we got to call Dad. Yes, Naya, I'm just so proud of
1:12:57
you. I can hear so much of your
1:12:59
growth, 'cause when I met you, you were 20 years old.
1:13:04
Yeah. So hearing your growth, seeing
1:13:07
it in you, and you just like embodying, being like a whole
1:13:12
adult woman, it just warms my heart.
1:13:16
It really and truly does. It really does.
1:13:35
Shadow Room 0. I don't, I don't remember, like
1:13:56
the one that was like literally right across the street.
1:14:07
Oh, wait, no, we had to go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1:14:11
We'll go. We have to figure no, 'cause
1:14:15
there was, I was gonna say, was it like Eden, 'cause that wasn't
1:14:19
that far. Carl, you might be gone, but you
1:14:31
know I was out the streets for a while.
1:14:33
So you looking on the map? Yeah no, it's the growth
1:14:56
process. It's the maturation process and
1:14:58
I just love Oh yes, you right stance is OG downstairs girl.
1:15:09
I could use some fish from stands right now for real.
1:15:14
Oh, that isn't that far. Yeah 'cause that's like that
1:15:17
girl. Nya, yes girl, I forgot about
1:15:28
that. But you know, also like, you
1:15:30
know, I was grieving then too. And that's something about grief
1:15:33
is that it? Sometimes you don't remember a
1:15:37
lot of things and that's something that I've recognized
1:15:40
coming out of it and and people are like, your memory is and
1:15:45
then it's some stuff. I'll be like, Ah, you got it.
1:15:47
You got to run it back for me and help jog my memory.
1:15:51
But that's definitely one of those things.
1:15:53
But yes, Nya, that is it downstairs OG I don't know why I
1:15:56
didn't think of stairs to begin with, but oh, girl, girl, I was
1:16:04
there last summer, but that was like a move.
1:16:06
We were hanging out all day. We went to brunch and we went to
1:16:12
the we were at the war, we did brunch at the war, did karaoke
1:16:15
at the war, and then at that point people were hungry again.
1:16:19
So somebody was like, let's just go and stand.
1:16:22
So we went to stand. It was about 10 of us.
1:16:25
We was in there grubbing. OK, whenever y'all ready,
1:16:35
whenever y'all are ready, you ain't leaving Atlanta.
1:16:48
Love that you've settled in. I love.
1:16:51
I meant to tell you that when I saw you last weekend, like Lana
1:16:55
is really like home for you. I could.
1:16:57
I could tell. And that you're you're settled
1:16:59
in in the best way. OK, so if you can leave, if you
1:17:08
could leave the audience with one powerful truth to help them
1:17:13
to rise and thrive, what would it be?
1:17:41
All right, y'all heard it, all is well.
1:17:46
And now this is the portion of the show where we shift to you
1:17:48
audience. I want you to reflect what
1:17:51
emotions or fears come up when you think about your own aging
1:17:55
parents or caregivers. And then I want you to take an
1:17:58
action this week. Give yourself permission to
1:18:02
rest, even if that means saying no to something.
1:18:07
It could even be also if you need it.
1:18:09
Give yourself permission to just cry or feel your emotions.
1:18:15
And then finally, I want to affirm you and leave you with an
1:18:19
information. I honor my parents or
1:18:21
caregivers, but I also honor the vessel God made me to be.
1:18:28
Naya, thank you again for joining me on Rise and Thrive
1:18:32
with Doctor J Nicole. It was such an absolute pleasure
1:18:36
to have you here. If folks want to get in touch
1:18:39
with you, where can they find you?
1:18:41
How can they reach you? It's a wife.
1:19:14
OK, OK, well, thank you all for tuning in to another episode of
1:19:19
Rise and Thrive with Doctor J Nicole, make sure you check out
1:19:23
the merch. Go to
1:19:24
www.evolvefordoctorjnicole.com and take a look at it.
1:19:29
We got the crew necks. They're they're perfect for it's
1:19:33
sweater weather now, right? Like so it's perfect for this
1:19:36
season. And actually I think I'm going
1:19:39
to drop some skull caps, right? Because like, we're going into
1:19:42
winter, so we want to make sure that we have goodness for you
1:19:46
for all season long. Of course, you could always get
1:19:50
your mug, but there's T-shirts, hoodies, pins, a spiral journal,
1:19:55
just whatever you need. Hats, all of it.
1:19:58
So we'll see you next week. Keep rising in faith and keep
1:20:01
thriving in perfect. All right, girl.