Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 341. Conflict resolution with friends and family - Head Noise

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341. Conflict resolution with friends and family - Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:03
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I'm going to be answering some
0:06
Speaker 1: of your questions. A lot of these questions have to
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Speaker 1: do around conflict resolution, how to deal with conflict in
0:14
Speaker 1: all scenarios. We're talking in laws, we're talking someone who
0:18
Speaker 1: you had a falling out with, a friend who you've
0:20
Speaker 1: had a falling out with, who's now back in your life,
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Speaker 1: and you don't know how to deal with them back
0:24
Speaker 1: in your life, and you don't really have control over it.
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Speaker 1: All kinds of conflict scenarios, and I think it is
0:31
Speaker 1: so helpful to hear how other people are dealing with
0:34
Speaker 1: conflict or what they're doing about it, or even hearing,
0:37
Speaker 1: you know, advice for different kinds of conflict, and it
0:40
Speaker 1: helps you kind of realize how you would deal with
0:44
Speaker 1: your conflict, even if it's not exactly the same scenario.
0:47
Speaker 1: I think a lot can be learned by listening to
0:49
Speaker 1: other people's stories and learning from other people's mistakes or
0:52
Speaker 1: from their lessons as well, and then applying it to
0:55
Speaker 1: your life. So that is what we're talking about today.
0:59
Speaker 1: Have quite a few that I want to get through.
1:02
Speaker 1: The questions have been coming in thick and fast and hot,
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Speaker 1: if that's even Hey, I'm not sure if that's the saying,
1:10
Speaker 1: but they've been coming in thick and fast, and I
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Speaker 1: just wanted to cover as many as possible.
1:16
Speaker 2: So no life update, no brain fact.
1:18
Speaker 1: Let's just get straight into the listener questions. Number one, Hi,
1:24
Speaker 1: alexis as if you haven't already given me so much
1:28
Speaker 1: amazing advice here, I am asking for more.
1:30
Speaker 2: No, I love it. I love you guys asking for advice.
1:32
Speaker 1: I am just going to dive straight into the issue
1:34
Speaker 1: and give you a little background as I go. My
1:36
Speaker 1: husband's parents never prioritize or give time and attention to
1:40
Speaker 1: him or us, always his sister and her spouse, and
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Speaker 1: it's really starting to upset my husband. I have no
1:47
Speaker 1: idea what to do. He's tried to have discussions with
1:49
Speaker 1: his parents, but they're all too blind and completely dismissed
1:53
Speaker 1: the issue. They never ask us to spend time with
1:56
Speaker 1: just them. The sister and her spouse are always included,
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Speaker 1: but it's never the way around. We've invited them over
2:02
Speaker 1: for dinner, made them food, taken them out, and these
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Speaker 1: and these things are never reciprocated.
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Speaker 2: I feel protective of in my.
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Speaker 1: Husband because his feelings are starting to genuinely get hurt
2:12
Speaker 1: and he's said some really upsetting things to me, and
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Speaker 1: I'm just not sure where to go from here. This
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Speaker 1: behavior doesn't make me want to spend time with them
2:20
Speaker 1: or keep trying. Okay, So this is really difficult because
2:26
Speaker 1: obviously it's hurting your husband. He would like that kind
2:29
Speaker 1: of relationship with his parents and it's obviously not happening
2:32
Speaker 1: or it's not, you know, happening easily for him. That
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Speaker 1: I'm just going to play Devil's advocate just to get
2:39
Speaker 1: one thing out of the way before I dive into
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Speaker 1: how else you're going to approach this devil's advocate, Take
2:45
Speaker 1: you know, a really good hard look at your relationship
2:48
Speaker 1: in the past. Make sure that there hasn't been any
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Speaker 1: situations that have hurt the parents, something that was said
2:54
Speaker 1: and done that could potentially make your parents be upset
2:57
Speaker 1: about something. If that's not the case, let's say, you know,
3:02
Speaker 1: he was really horrible to them at one point, or
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Speaker 1: he did I don't think this is the case, but
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Speaker 1: I'm just saying it's self awareness is important in these situations,
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Speaker 1: and make sure that before you.
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Speaker 2: Go in trying to include people in your life.
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Speaker 1: Is there anything that I can dig into my past
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Speaker 1: and think, oh, fuck, well I probably didn't treat them
3:15
Speaker 1: well or I didn't you know. If there's none of
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Speaker 1: that and your husband can handle his heart, say no.
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Speaker 2: I've always been great to my family.
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Speaker 1: I've always you know, there's nothing that I have to
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Speaker 1: apologize for or make right wrongs. I've always you know,
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Speaker 1: it's just that they prefer my sister. Then, unfortunately, he
3:35
Speaker 1: has already done the most that he can do, and
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Speaker 1: that is a do your best to include them and
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Speaker 1: see if things turn around because they realize, oh wait,
3:43
Speaker 1: we actually want him in our lives because they're inviting
3:45
Speaker 1: us over its we're having a really good time. And
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Speaker 1: b he's tried to talk to them and they've dismissed
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Speaker 1: it completely. They've just not really seen what the issue is. Okay,
3:56
Speaker 1: it's kind of like that whole if they wanted to,
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Speaker 1: they would. For whatever reason, they do not see that
4:03
Speaker 1: level of value versus the daughter. Okay, over their son
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Speaker 1: and their daughter. And then another thing that you could
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Speaker 1: possibly do, if you want to try and like one
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Speaker 1: last time, is ask them what is the issue, like
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Speaker 1: why and when did it start? Has it always been
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Speaker 1: like this, Because if it's always been like this, I'm
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Speaker 1: just going to tell you right now, the likelihood of
4:24
Speaker 1: it changing is slim to none. And you've just got
4:27
Speaker 1: to realize that you cannot control other people. You can't
4:29
Speaker 1: control how people think, behave, how they feel, and it
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Speaker 1: just is what it is, and you've got to find
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Speaker 1: your family elsewhere, create your family outside of that.
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Speaker 2: So that's if it's always been like that.
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Speaker 1: But if this started all of a sudden, then I
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Speaker 1: think there are some.
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Speaker 2: Clues here as to what has caused this. Do they
4:49
Speaker 2: have an issue with you with the person that he's
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Speaker 2: decided to marry.
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Speaker 1: Do they have an issue with him personally because of
4:55
Speaker 1: something that he's done? Do like, if there was a
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Speaker 1: turning point, that turning point can be an indicator, and
5:01
Speaker 1: then you can use that turning point to ask them
5:03
Speaker 1: questions as to what went wrong. However, if you've already
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Speaker 1: spoken to them, if you've already tried to approach them
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Speaker 1: about it, and they are just for no obvious reason whatsoever,
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Speaker 1: or for no genuine reason whatsoever, they are, you know,
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Speaker 1: favoring your sister his sister over him, then me personally,
5:23
Speaker 1: what I would do is I would back the fuck off.
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Speaker 1: I would back the fuck off. This is different to
5:28
Speaker 1: cutting someone out. It's not actively cutting someone out of
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Speaker 1: my life, not at all, but it's saying like it
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Speaker 1: is actually soul destroying to always be the one inviting,
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Speaker 1: always be the one asking, and have it never reciprocated.
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Speaker 1: At the same time, if someone does not want to
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Speaker 1: hang out with you, no matter who they are, I
5:43
Speaker 1: am not going to force or beg or plead for
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Speaker 1: someone to do so, because it starts to erode at
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Speaker 1: your own happiness when you do that. Okay, I'm always here,
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Speaker 1: I'm always available if you want to call on a
5:55
Speaker 1: fucking phone, call away. If you want to mend things,
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Speaker 1: I'd be so happy to mend them. But at this point,
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Speaker 1: it's starting to look like I'm actually putting you out
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Speaker 1: by making you hang out with me, and I'm not going.
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Speaker 2: To do that anymore. Okay.
6:08
Speaker 1: So it's really difficult to come to that conclusion or
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Speaker 1: come to that decision because it means probably at least
6:17
Speaker 1: initially less contact with them.
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Speaker 2: But there are two outcomes.
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Speaker 1: One outcome is that you're going to see that they
6:23
Speaker 1: will be like, wow, we're potentially losing our son for
6:26
Speaker 1: no good reason.
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Speaker 2: What are we doing? And they're going to turn it around?
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Speaker 1: And the other outcome is that you see their true
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Speaker 1: colors that they never actually wanted to be spending time
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Speaker 1: with their son and then are putting in even less.
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Speaker 2: Effort because you've really got to think about it.
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Speaker 1: Do you want to spend time with people who are
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Speaker 1: only there because you've forced them to or because you've
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Speaker 1: made every situation you know point to them to you
6:47
Speaker 1: guys having to hang out together? Because the answer for
6:50
Speaker 1: me would be no, no matter who you are, no
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Speaker 1: matter how close we are, if someone is only hanging
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Speaker 1: out with me because they feel that they have to,
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Speaker 1: I would have to let them go.
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Speaker 2: Okay, you will. I'm not saying it's easy.
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Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's going to be a pleasant journey,
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Speaker 1: But I'm saying that you cannot.
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Speaker 2: Control other people.
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Speaker 1: You can't control they want needs, all their feelings, and
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Speaker 1: you have to start putting yourself first.
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Speaker 2: You've got to start prioritizing yourself first.
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Speaker 1: And then that energy will be put into the new
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Speaker 1: family that you are creating. And family doesn't have to
7:17
Speaker 1: be blood either, it's your community, it's your inner circle.
7:21
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped, and I'm sorry that your husband is
7:23
Speaker 1: going through that. That's really fucked up. Next one, Hi, alexis,
7:27
Speaker 1: I had an issue with a friend and I need
7:29
Speaker 1: some advice. I think I'm within my rights to be mad,
7:32
Speaker 1: but I also want to see if you think that
7:34
Speaker 1: I need to move on. Always appreciate your advice. Okay,
7:38
Speaker 1: So over the long weekend, a few friends and I
7:40
Speaker 1: went to Canberra.
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Speaker 2: My close friend will call.
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Speaker 1: Her E, invited invited me to come along because I
7:47
Speaker 1: also know the others who came to this trip, but
7:50
Speaker 1: I was closest to E. So obviously you got this
7:53
Speaker 1: one close friend and then you kind of know the
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Speaker 1: other people. So we went to see our friend who
7:56
Speaker 1: moved to Canberra. We will call her P for some
7:59
Speaker 1: extra con text. P and I are two South Asian girls.
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Speaker 1: E is white. So we all stayed in one airbnb.
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Speaker 1: There were seven of us in total. All of the
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Speaker 1: people I didn't know well treated me with respect, but
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Speaker 1: surprisingly my friend was different. There were a few different
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Speaker 1: occasions where E would mix up P and myself and
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Speaker 1: call us by different names. Now I'd understand if this
8:25
Speaker 1: came from people that didn't know me, it's not right regardless,
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Speaker 1: but I considered myself as close to E, and she
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Speaker 1: did this five to six or more times throughout the trip.
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Speaker 1: I'd casually confront it as it happened, and E would apologize,
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Speaker 1: but then repeat her mistakes a few more times. I
8:43
Speaker 1: pulled it aside at one point and I tried to
8:45
Speaker 1: discuss it, and she said, sorry, I don't have any
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Speaker 1: racist intent, I'm just bad with names.
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Speaker 2: Now.
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Speaker 1: I never mentioned that she was being racist. This annoyed
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Speaker 1: me because it seemed like she was more worried about
8:56
Speaker 1: seeming like a racist over acknowledging that she disrespected me.
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Speaker 1: I try to avoid her for the rest of the
9:01
Speaker 1: trip because I felt uncomfortable. I want to discuss this
9:04
Speaker 1: again if I can, but I'm not sure what my
9:07
Speaker 1: next move should be. Should I cut my losses and
9:09
Speaker 1: move on, or is it worth trying to hash things out.
9:12
Speaker 1: I didn't think i'd be experiencing this with a friend
9:15
Speaker 1: I'd talk to so regularly, so I'm a bit shocked.
9:17
Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks for
9:19
Speaker 1: your advice. Okay, again, I'm going to play the devil's advocate.
9:23
Speaker 1: Is she genuinely someone that is bad with names? Like,
9:27
Speaker 1: did she do this with other people? Has she done
9:30
Speaker 1: this in the past, has she ever done it with
9:32
Speaker 1: you before in the history of your friendship, And really
9:36
Speaker 1: really think hard about it, because it's easy to fixate
9:39
Speaker 1: on one particular instance, but try and expand your awareness
9:44
Speaker 1: around her behaviors and think, is this actually something that
9:48
Speaker 1: she does? Because if it is something that she does
9:51
Speaker 1: and she's just someone who's bad with names, I, personally,
9:56
Speaker 1: if every other aspect of the friendship is great, I
9:58
Speaker 1: in me being my I personally would not cut off
10:02
Speaker 1: a friend who just mixes up my name here and there. Okay,
10:08
Speaker 1: if I see that that's just how they are across
10:10
Speaker 1: the board, I wouldn't do it. But I also don't
10:12
Speaker 1: And it also depends on your morals. Like if my
10:14
Speaker 1: friend kept getting my name wrong but they're a good
10:16
Speaker 1: friend in general, that to me is not like I
10:20
Speaker 1: can never be a friend again. That's a huge sign
10:22
Speaker 1: of disrespect. I would look at that as scattered attention.
10:26
Speaker 1: You're a little bit all over the place, you know whatever.
10:29
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't like my mum used to call me
10:30
Speaker 1: my sister's name. How many fucking times in my life
10:32
Speaker 1: has my mum called me Stephanie, I can't even tell you.
10:34
Speaker 1: I don't look at that as a sign of disrespect.
10:36
Speaker 1: So you've got to then think it's got Everything comes
10:39
Speaker 1: down to context. So it's like, are you just you know,
10:43
Speaker 1: is it just this one thing?
10:44
Speaker 2: But you're a really good friend.
10:46
Speaker 1: I personally would absolutely not cut someone off for that.
10:49
Speaker 1: Now that's me playing the devil's advocate. Turn it around
10:52
Speaker 1: and then think, Okay, no, she doesn't do it to
10:55
Speaker 1: anyone else, She's never done it. Do you think that
10:58
Speaker 1: there was another reason why she would probably do that?
11:01
Speaker 1: Was she trying to be funny? Do you actually think
11:04
Speaker 1: there was racist intent to it?
11:05
Speaker 2: Like?
11:05
Speaker 1: Where do you looking at it as unbiased as possible?
11:09
Speaker 1: Where do you think this was coming from? If this
11:11
Speaker 1: is the first time she's behaved that way, and I'm
11:15
Speaker 1: going off the assumption that you guys had a good
11:19
Speaker 1: friendship and this is the first time she's kind of
11:21
Speaker 1: done something like this, but obviously you know the details
11:24
Speaker 1: of your relationship, and there's a chance that you guys,
11:27
Speaker 1: there's been multiple things that have happened that has annoyed
11:30
Speaker 1: you and this is just like the cherry on top,
11:32
Speaker 1: and you think I'm done with this friendship.
11:34
Speaker 2: But if I were you, my.
11:36
Speaker 1: Response to this, if everything was all good and this
11:39
Speaker 1: is the one time she's offended you, I would absolutely
11:42
Speaker 1: not cut my losses and move on from that friendship.
11:44
Speaker 1: I get the vibe that she's insulted you many times
11:47
Speaker 1: in the past, because to cut your friend off for
11:48
Speaker 1: getting your name wrong, that doesn't make sense to me.
11:51
Speaker 1: There's much more, especially if you did not think it
11:55
Speaker 1: was for racist because she was being racist, because you
11:57
Speaker 1: said I didn't even because it says that you had
12:01
Speaker 1: never even mentioned that she was being racist and that
12:04
Speaker 1: was like her fear. So, in my opinion, with the
12:08
Speaker 1: limited context that I have, this runs deeper than that,
12:11
Speaker 1: and there's more issues that you have with her. However,
12:12
Speaker 1: if there are no more issues than this is the
12:14
Speaker 1: only issue you've ever had with her, I would talk
12:16
Speaker 1: to her about it again.
12:18
Speaker 2: I would just say, hey, look back to the conversation.
12:20
Speaker 1: I just want to like hash this out because I
12:23
Speaker 1: don't want it to be this underlying thing and I
12:25
Speaker 1: want you to understand where I'm coming from. Back to
12:27
Speaker 1: the conversation we had at the trip. I'm not accusing
12:32
Speaker 1: you of being racist. I was just wondering, why now
12:34
Speaker 1: when it's never happened before. You repeatedly were getting my
12:39
Speaker 1: name wrong where you're trying to be funny. I would
12:42
Speaker 1: just appreciate it in future that you know you don't
12:46
Speaker 1: do that thing, as you've never done that before. It's
12:48
Speaker 1: just really surprised me. And if you don't have an
12:50
Speaker 1: answer for it, that's fine. I just need to communicate
12:52
Speaker 1: across how I feel. Because you also have to keep
12:54
Speaker 1: in mind that not every conflict has an immediate resolution.
12:57
Speaker 1: Sometimes conflict resolves over time, and what requires that resolution
13:02
Speaker 1: is for you to just very openly and calmly express
13:08
Speaker 1: how you feel about it. Sometimes people are a bit
13:10
Speaker 1: too proud or not aware enough to in the moment
13:12
Speaker 1: say you know what I was wrong, I'm so sorry.
13:14
Speaker 2: She might just like listen to you and say, yeah,
13:16
Speaker 2: well I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to.
13:17
Speaker 1: But then she'll take it on board, and then you'll
13:19
Speaker 1: see that she's taken it on board.
13:21
Speaker 2: Through her actions.
13:22
Speaker 1: Okay, but back to what my real belief is. I
13:26
Speaker 1: get the vibe that you've had issues with her in
13:28
Speaker 1: the past, and if you see that there's a constant
13:30
Speaker 1: theme of disrespect, then yes, cut them loose absolutely, because
13:33
Speaker 1: you teach people how to treat you. And if you
13:35
Speaker 1: keep accepting the wrong treatment again and again and again
13:37
Speaker 1: and again, and it's obvious that it is disrespect and
13:39
Speaker 1: you're clear on that, then you can cut your losses
13:42
Speaker 1: and walk away. Okay, Because if she's disrespected you repeatedly
13:45
Speaker 1: and you've tried to raise it with her and she's
13:47
Speaker 1: dismissed you, and this is something that's a theme, then
13:50
Speaker 1: I wouldn't bother with that kind of friendship. But if
13:52
Speaker 1: it is a one off, then I would bother.
13:55
Speaker 2: Okay. Next question question too good to be true?
14:02
Speaker 1: Great title, alexis everything is going too well and I
14:06
Speaker 1: need objective help. I met a wonderful man a month
14:09
Speaker 1: ago on Hinge.
14:10
Speaker 2: We hit it off.
14:11
Speaker 1: Instantly, He immediately lined up meeting, and next thing I knew,
14:15
Speaker 1: we were both doing trivia together at my local.
14:17
Speaker 2: I saw him again.
14:18
Speaker 1: Two days l later and basically haven't stopped seeing him since.
14:22
Speaker 1: We both feel like we fell in love with each
14:24
Speaker 1: other the second night we hung out. Both feel like
14:27
Speaker 1: we've never had a connection this strong or this healthy before,
14:30
Speaker 1: but it has all moved so quickly it's ringing alarm
14:33
Speaker 1: bells for both of us. We've both had some pretty
14:35
Speaker 1: traumatic relationships and have spoken at length about where we're
14:38
Speaker 1: coming from and what we want. I suppose I'd love
14:42
Speaker 1: any tips for managing this incredible, albeit ridiculously fast experience
14:46
Speaker 1: as best as possible. We're trying to make good choices,
14:49
Speaker 1: but mostly we want to play tonsl tennis. For the record,
14:52
Speaker 1: we're twenty eight and thirty, been around the block a
14:54
Speaker 1: couple of times, and neither expected to be feeling like
14:57
Speaker 1: a dumb teenager. Ever, again, it's very sweet. We don't
15:00
Speaker 1: want to fuck it up. Thanks for all you do.
15:02
Speaker 1: You're a bloody pro and it's a joy sending your
15:05
Speaker 1: pod to mates.
15:05
Speaker 2: Blessed. Thank you so much. Great fucking great question.
15:10
Speaker 1: Okay, So look, yes, it is a potential red flag
15:16
Speaker 1: when things move too fast.
15:18
Speaker 2: Now, a red flag is just a flag.
15:20
Speaker 1: Just because something's a red flag doesn't instantly mean it's
15:24
Speaker 1: just like it's a warning sign.
15:25
Speaker 2: It's like just beware.
15:26
Speaker 1: Okay, It doesn't mean that it's like this is definitely
15:30
Speaker 1: going to be fucked because there's a difference between legitimately
15:33
Speaker 1: unhealthy behavior and a and a marker for something that
15:37
Speaker 1: could be unhealthy but could not be Okay, So for.
15:41
Speaker 2: Example, love bombing. Let's take love bombing for example.
15:45
Speaker 1: You could have someone who's a love bomber and you
15:47
Speaker 1: could have someone who's just really fucking lovely and really amazing,
15:51
Speaker 1: but both of them display the exact same behaviors at
15:54
Speaker 1: the start of the relationship. They're always doing things for you.
15:56
Speaker 1: They're always offering to help you, They're always offering to
15:59
Speaker 1: help the people around you. They're generous with their time,
16:01
Speaker 1: they're generous with their money. They either give you gifts
16:05
Speaker 1: or they take you out. So both these behaviors can
16:07
Speaker 1: be exhibited through a love bomber and through someone who's
16:10
Speaker 1: not a love bomber, and the only way to tell
16:12
Speaker 1: the difference is time. The person who's not a love
16:16
Speaker 1: bomber will always be like that to everyone.
16:19
Speaker 2: That's just their nature.
16:21
Speaker 1: A love bomber, it is not their nature, and they
16:24
Speaker 1: will then within a relatively short amount of time because
16:26
Speaker 1: it's not really viable for them to do it long term.
16:30
Speaker 1: They will then use that against you later on as
16:34
Speaker 1: like a blackmailing or bribe or emotional blackmailing tool to
16:39
Speaker 1: then get.
16:39
Speaker 2: You to do things for them.
16:40
Speaker 1: Okay, so time is the only way to determine and
16:43
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you guys are love bombing each other,
16:45
Speaker 1: but I'm saying there's an example of something that could
16:47
Speaker 1: potentially be a red flag. But as time goes by,
16:50
Speaker 1: if the person is consistently like that, then that's just them.
16:54
Speaker 1: And in my personal experience, that was Tyrone. Tyrone is
16:56
Speaker 1: a very, very generous, warm person. He's like the host
17:01
Speaker 1: with the most every time people come over. He's just
17:04
Speaker 1: the warmest person, always wants to do things, oh biggest heart.
17:07
Speaker 1: And when I first started dating him, I'm like, fuck,
17:10
Speaker 1: is this just his? Is this him? Or is he
17:12
Speaker 1: putting this on? Because it's very it's so generous, it's.
17:15
Speaker 2: So kind, and it's so warm.
17:19
Speaker 1: But that was just his nature, okay, and that it
17:21
Speaker 1: just took time, and with time I came to realize
17:23
Speaker 1: that's just who he is. So what I suggest for
17:26
Speaker 1: you two is, at the end of the day, you
17:28
Speaker 1: are adults. You can take risks in a relationship because
17:34
Speaker 1: whether you take the risk or whether you don't, if
17:36
Speaker 1: it fucks up, you're still gonna be heartbroken.
17:39
Speaker 2: So take the risk, go into it, enjoy it.
17:42
Speaker 1: But these are my this is my advice. You're already
17:45
Speaker 1: aware that it could be you know, like you've got
17:47
Speaker 1: your awareness there and you've both discussed it. That's already
17:49
Speaker 1: a good thing. So the discussion has been done. And
17:51
Speaker 1: another good thing is that it seems to be mutual.
17:54
Speaker 1: Both of you are feeling this way. That's another good
17:56
Speaker 1: sign because the communication is there. Another thing that I
17:59
Speaker 1: would highly reckomon men that you do is really keep
18:03
Speaker 1: close ties to your friends and family outside of the relationship.
18:06
Speaker 1: One thing that is straight up not okay is that
18:10
Speaker 1: when people get into this love bubble, they cut everyone
18:12
Speaker 1: else out. Do not do that, because if you do,
18:15
Speaker 1: that is a huge indicator that it actually is unhealthy. Okay,
18:18
Speaker 1: So while it's exciting and you want to see each
18:20
Speaker 1: other twenty four seven, if you're noticing you abandon your friends,
18:23
Speaker 1: abandon your family, and only want to see them, that
18:25
Speaker 1: is not healthy, especially in the long term.
18:28
Speaker 2: But it's fine the first few weeks. It's normal.
18:31
Speaker 1: But really pay attention to maintaining strong relationships outside of
18:35
Speaker 1: this relationship. If you can maintain strong relationships outside of
18:39
Speaker 1: this relationship, if you still are excited to have these
18:42
Speaker 1: relationships outside of this relationship, then I say go for gold.
18:46
Speaker 1: It's fine because you still want to have that you
18:49
Speaker 1: want to be in touch with reality and having strong
18:53
Speaker 1: relationships while while nurturing a really exciting romantic relationship is
18:58
Speaker 1: the key to you succeeding whether the relationship fails or
19:03
Speaker 1: whether it succeeds okay, because it gives you balance, It
19:06
Speaker 1: gives you perspective, it gives you awareness, it gives you
19:08
Speaker 1: a support network that is crucial, okay.
19:11
Speaker 2: And also maintain things that you.
19:13
Speaker 1: Are currently doing as an independent and continue doing them
19:17
Speaker 1: as an independent, not everything. I do think it's important
19:19
Speaker 1: to bring your worlds together when you're in a relationship.
19:22
Speaker 1: That's something I struggled with and had to come to
19:24
Speaker 1: terms with. I was so independent when I got together
19:27
Speaker 1: with Tyrone that I was like, I have to just
19:30
Speaker 1: allow myself to be part of a couple as well
19:32
Speaker 1: and really be a team and a relationship. But it's
19:34
Speaker 1: important to keep some level of independence, like are you
19:37
Speaker 1: going to move in straight away?
19:39
Speaker 2: Maybe not?
19:40
Speaker 1: Maybe wait a little bit, and then you can have
19:42
Speaker 1: that as something to look forward to, because you also
19:44
Speaker 1: want to have milestones that you want to look forward to.
19:47
Speaker 1: You don't need to do everything straight away, because I
19:49
Speaker 1: can guarantee you one thing, no matter how much you
19:51
Speaker 1: love that person, It's not going to be this exciting forever.
19:54
Speaker 1: It's a fucking not. The love will be stronger, but
19:57
Speaker 1: the excitement will not. So have milestones to look forward to.
20:02
Speaker 1: Have certain you don't have to rush at all. You
20:04
Speaker 1: can be seeing each other all the time and play
20:06
Speaker 1: tonsul tennis. There's nothing wrong with that, But have these
20:08
Speaker 1: milestones to look forward to. If you've already moved in
20:11
Speaker 1: with him, that's also fine, not the end of the world.
20:13
Speaker 1: I know very successful couples that have moved in three
20:15
Speaker 1: weeks on. It's like, it's fine. But I'm just saying,
20:17
Speaker 1: he's some little things that you could be doing to
20:20
Speaker 1: stretch it out and to make sure that even though
20:23
Speaker 1: it seems full on, you can still enjoy it. As
20:26
Speaker 1: far as I'm concerned, if you're both talking about it,
20:28
Speaker 1: if you're having deep conversations, which already you are because
20:31
Speaker 1: you're talking about your past and you're talking about your experiences,
20:33
Speaker 1: then I would say you're adults. You know what you're doing.
20:36
Speaker 1: If it all crumbles apart, you're not gonna die. You're
20:38
Speaker 1: aware of what you're walking into.
20:40
Speaker 2: Go for gold. That's my opinion. Just enjoy, enjoy love,
20:44
Speaker 2: enjoy it, have a fucking good time. This is the
20:46
Speaker 2: honeymoon stage.
20:48
Speaker 1: Get amongst it. I say, all right, next question. I
20:54
Speaker 1: think this is possibly the last I might fit in too.
20:56
Speaker 2: We'll see, Hi, Alexis. To say I'm a bean and
21:01
Speaker 2: love and appreciate your podcast is a bit of an understatement.
21:03
Speaker 1: I've been listening avidly since the episode with your sister Stephanie.
21:07
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was like the first year of
21:09
Speaker 1: the podcast. That's amazing. It has truly helped me in
21:11
Speaker 1: many parts of my attitude towards life, and is still
21:14
Speaker 1: helping me as I continue to work on myself to
21:17
Speaker 1: cut to the chase. I'm currently wondering how to coexist
21:20
Speaker 1: with someone let's call them Kay. I'm loving these like
21:22
Speaker 1: code names for people, let's call them Kay, who has
21:25
Speaker 1: wronged me on many levels, just because we're in the same.
21:29
Speaker 2: Sports club that has wait. Sorry, who has wronged me
21:33
Speaker 2: on many levels.
21:34
Speaker 1: But because we're in the same sports club that has
21:36
Speaker 1: practiced once a week, I have to see her fairly frequently,
21:40
Speaker 1: and I can't exactly cut her out of my life
21:42
Speaker 1: the way I would have done to an acquaintance and
21:45
Speaker 1: preserve my sanity.
21:46
Speaker 2: Between her and me. She is not.
21:48
Speaker 1: Regular at our club practices and doesn't try to get
21:50
Speaker 1: to know others because she objectively does not play the
21:54
Speaker 1: sport well and possibly may not stay on for the years.
21:57
Speaker 2: It requires for us to even get good.
22:00
Speaker 1: Bought has official rankings and levels to it, similar to
22:02
Speaker 1: kendo or karate. Even though we joined at the same time,
22:06
Speaker 1: I've sort of become known as a newbie who's the
22:08
Speaker 1: fastest improving and have become a contact point for all
22:12
Speaker 1: the newcomers that some of the seniors thought I'd be
22:14
Speaker 1: around for much longer or is actually at a higher
22:16
Speaker 1: level slash rank.
22:18
Speaker 2: I tried politely ignoring K during.
22:21
Speaker 1: And after club activity to cut our interactions to a minimum,
22:24
Speaker 1: but I realized that it causes her to act out
22:26
Speaker 1: even more, and for some of the other members who've
22:29
Speaker 1: joined at the same time as us, it's caused them
22:32
Speaker 1: to wonder if something's off. I'm not someone that feels
22:35
Speaker 1: comfortable sharing my feelings and intentions with people I don't
22:38
Speaker 1: know if I can trust, and I'm still a recovering
22:40
Speaker 1: people pleaser, so I haven't shared with every team member
22:43
Speaker 1: except one I'm close to, as to why I find
22:46
Speaker 1: K absolutely problematic. I also like this club and sports
22:50
Speaker 1: so much that I just want our practices to be uplifting,
22:52
Speaker 1: empowering and make us feel good about this collective long
22:55
Speaker 1: about this collective long term, most of us have to
22:58
Speaker 1: be good at it. How do I brush off Kay's
23:01
Speaker 1: passive aggression and blatant rudeness to just towards me, at
23:06
Speaker 1: least from my observations based on times we've had to interact,
23:09
Speaker 1: she plays it off as her spicy personality without having
23:12
Speaker 1: to have more contact points with her more than I
23:15
Speaker 1: need to, so the pieces kept. How do I stop
23:18
Speaker 1: myself being privately annoyed thinking of every single instance she's
23:22
Speaker 1: wronged me because of my elephant memory. Okay, this is
23:26
Speaker 1: a really difficult scenario because again, you're dealing with someone's
23:30
Speaker 1: behaviors or someone who you have no control over whatsoever.
23:35
Speaker 1: But one thing that you have to remind yourself of
23:37
Speaker 1: is the only thing you have control over in this
23:39
Speaker 1: situation is yourself in how you respond, how you react,
23:42
Speaker 1: and how you choose to take on what she is doing.
23:46
Speaker 1: Another thing that I would be very very very I
23:50
Speaker 1: really want to enforce to remind you is that this
23:55
Speaker 1: difficult behavior that she's you know, you're saying, you're trying
23:58
Speaker 1: to brush her off, You're trying to ignore her, and
24:00
Speaker 1: it makes her even worse. That's manipulation. That is manipulation.
24:04
Speaker 1: She's trying to rile you, and she's trying to get
24:06
Speaker 1: a reaction from you. You do not have to play
24:09
Speaker 1: into that manipulation no matter what.
24:12
Speaker 2: Okay.
24:13
Speaker 1: No one has access to you unless you allow it
24:17
Speaker 1: within reason, within reason, Okay. Obviously I'm not talking about extreme,
24:21
Speaker 1: extreme scenarios. But this person, she's obviously trying to get
24:28
Speaker 1: something out of you. She's trying to get a reaction
24:30
Speaker 1: out of you. She's trying to, you know, make herself
24:34
Speaker 1: feel better for how she's wronged you by getting you to.
24:37
Speaker 2: Then act inappropriately.
24:38
Speaker 1: Possibly that's what a lot of people do when they've
24:40
Speaker 1: done something wrong. They want the other person to then
24:43
Speaker 1: snap or be mean or do something wrong so that
24:44
Speaker 1: it could be a valid or a fair conflict or
24:47
Speaker 1: a fair disagreement, because obviously it's you know, she might
24:52
Speaker 1: be aware that she's in the wrong, but regardless, she
24:55
Speaker 1: is trying to manipulate you by what she is doing,
24:58
Speaker 1: and you do not need to fall for that. Okay,
25:01
Speaker 1: So I personally would just mind my own fucking business.
25:07
Speaker 2: Head down and stick to what I do and to
25:09
Speaker 2: what I know.
25:09
Speaker 1: I would be strengthening my relationships with the people who
25:12
Speaker 1: I really enjoy there.
25:14
Speaker 2: Do you need to involve the minute? No, And if
25:17
Speaker 2: someone asks you, hey.
25:18
Speaker 1: Is something wrong, you are allowed to say, listen, we've
25:22
Speaker 1: gotten off on the wrong foot in the past, but
25:24
Speaker 1: I know you know it's something that I don't want
25:27
Speaker 1: to address anymore. I've moved on, but I'm just minding
25:30
Speaker 1: my own business. You can share without sharing, you know,
25:34
Speaker 1: you don't also have to lie and say no, no,
25:36
Speaker 1: nothing's wrong. Everything's all good, you know you We're not
25:38
Speaker 1: robots here. And if she has wronged you, it's okay
25:40
Speaker 1: to say, look, we don't get along. We don't get along.
25:44
Speaker 1: But I'm also not going to go into it because
25:46
Speaker 1: that's not what I'm about. And if you if someone
25:49
Speaker 1: asks you and that is your response, it's also I
25:52
Speaker 1: really respect someone when they don't want to be spreading
25:55
Speaker 1: gossip and they don't want to be spreading rumors and
25:57
Speaker 1: they don't want to spreading shit, but they're able to say, look,
26:00
Speaker 1: this is a situation, but I'm not going to go
26:02
Speaker 1: into it. I don't want to go into it. I'm
26:03
Speaker 1: here for a good time. This is my safe space.
26:05
Speaker 1: I really enjoy coming here. I come here for you know,
26:07
Speaker 1: obviously I'm good.
26:08
Speaker 2: At what I do. I really love learning. I love
26:10
Speaker 2: the community here.
26:11
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to feed into this thing that's
26:14
Speaker 1: now in the past.
26:16
Speaker 2: That's it. It's not a big deal. That's personally how
26:19
Speaker 2: I would approach it.
26:21
Speaker 1: But she's obviously wanting you to behave in a certain way,
26:24
Speaker 1: whether it's to be nice to her, or whether it's
26:26
Speaker 1: to be more inclusive of her, or whether it's to
26:28
Speaker 1: snap at her. She's trying to bait you in some way,
26:30
Speaker 1: shape or form. You don't have to take that bait.
26:33
Speaker 2: And you're asking how do you move on from being annoyed?
26:36
Speaker 1: You're annoyed right now because you have no control over
26:38
Speaker 1: the situation. And that's why it is really eating you alive,
26:42
Speaker 1: because there's really nothing that you can do, and she's
26:46
Speaker 1: kind of just there, lingering in the fucking wilderness, just
26:49
Speaker 1: ready to fucking emotionally pounce on you. So you just
26:52
Speaker 1: have to find a way to be aware of the
26:56
Speaker 1: lack of control you have of her actions, about how
26:57
Speaker 1: much more control you have over your own and say
27:00
Speaker 1: you can sit there and have a tantrum and do
27:02
Speaker 1: whatever the fuck you want to do, but I'm just
27:04
Speaker 1: gonna do me. And the more resolve you have with yourself,
27:09
Speaker 1: being like, I'm just gonna focus on myself, this is
27:12
Speaker 1: I'm here for me, the more in control you're gonna
27:15
Speaker 1: feel of the situation. And when you start to feel
27:16
Speaker 1: in control, then you're going to be less affected by
27:19
Speaker 1: her actions. Okay, bring the control back in your hands.
27:24
Speaker 1: Realize that ultimately she's no longer in your life directly,
27:27
Speaker 1: she's only now indirectly in your life, and the less
27:30
Speaker 1: you deal with her time will do the rest of
27:33
Speaker 1: the work. Okay, She's eventually gonna get over it, she's
27:37
Speaker 1: gonna get bored, she's going to find the next victim,
27:39
Speaker 1: unfortunately for them, and.
27:41
Speaker 2: That's just how it's going to play out.
27:42
Speaker 1: Okay, So just yeah, just make sure that your focus
27:47
Speaker 1: stays on controlling yourself and what you're focusing on, and
27:50
Speaker 1: eventually it's gonna get to a point where you're gonna
27:52
Speaker 1: pity her. You're not gonna feel threatened, you're not gonna
27:55
Speaker 1: feel annoyed. You're gonna be like, how fucking sad that
27:57
Speaker 1: you're still banging on about this. You need to fucking
27:59
Speaker 1: move on. But it is what it is. I'm minding
28:02
Speaker 1: my own business, okay. It is such a nice feeling
28:05
Speaker 1: when you're just minding your own business. And to be honest,
28:08
Speaker 1: if these people above you have half a brain and
28:12
Speaker 1: they're saying, oh, there might be an issue, there might this,
28:13
Speaker 1: there might not be they will talk to you and
28:16
Speaker 1: you will say, yeah, there was an issue, but we're
28:17
Speaker 1: good now. I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything
28:20
Speaker 1: to exacerbate exacerbate it. I'm not doing anything to fuel
28:22
Speaker 1: to the fire. And if you watch how we interact,
28:24
Speaker 1: I'm doing nothing to contribute to any drama. It is
28:29
Speaker 1: okay to not have everyone like you and to not
28:33
Speaker 1: like everyone around you. That is perfectly. It's not illegal
28:36
Speaker 1: to not like a couple of cunts here and there.
28:38
Speaker 2: Okay.
28:39
Speaker 1: So if the superior see it, too bad, so sad
28:41
Speaker 1: for them. Welcome, Welcome to my world. This is reality, okay.
28:45
Speaker 1: So if they see conflict, let them all right. Hopefully
28:48
Speaker 1: that helped guys, that's the episode of today. Hopefully you
28:52
Speaker 1: were able to take something away from that. It's important
28:55
Speaker 1: to honor yourself through all of this to respect yourself
28:59
Speaker 1: in enough to know when to walk away from something
29:01
Speaker 1: and to realize when someone is trying to manipulate you,
29:04
Speaker 1: and to be able to be you know, have awareness,
29:08
Speaker 1: and to have your own back during that time when
29:10
Speaker 1: someone's trying to manipulate you, because be gone, you wet
29:13
Speaker 1: piece of bread, you suggy leman, you toxic cucumba.
29:18
Speaker 2: Okay, that is all for today.
29:20
Speaker 1: I think I'm getting a sore throat from my fake singing,
29:23
Speaker 1: and by fake singing, I'm in terrible singing. I will
29:27
Speaker 1: speak to you guys next week. Hopefully you enjoyed that.
29:30
Speaker 1: I've got some exciting and exciting guest coming up that
29:34
Speaker 1: I will share with you next week.
29:35
Speaker 2: Can't wait. As always, remember be kind to.
29:37
Speaker 1: Yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
29:40
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself.
29:42
Speaker 2: Dunker