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How To Be Vulnerable and Safe At The Same Time · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we are going to talk about how to be vulnerable and be safe
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at the same time. One of the things that trauma
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steals from us, if we want to phrase it this way, takes from
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us, robs from us, is our ability to be vulnerable with our
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partner. Because when we were vulnerable,
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when we needed somebody and they weren't there and replaced it
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with rejection or abandonment or neglect, then this created a
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place and a response in our brain that says we can't be
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vulnerable any longer and we can't be vulnerable with others.
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So we have to learn how to get back to a place where we can be
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vulnerable with our partner, but we need to do so in a Safeway.
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So that's what we're going to talk about today.
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How do we open up, how do we be vulnerable with our partner?
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That also can increase our chances of a positive outcome
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and a sense of safety in doing so.
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By the end of this podcast, one, we're going to learn what
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healthy vulnerability looks like. 2, we're going to learn
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what safety means in our relationships.
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And three, we're going to talk about some practical steps to be
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able to do both. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. My name is Tom Philby.
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I've been working with individuals and couples who
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struggle with relational trauma and attachment trauma for
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decades to help them be able to regain a sense of trust in
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themselves and others so that they can experience a safe and
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secure relationship. Let's get started.
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OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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we're going to talk about how to be vulnerable with our partner
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and how to do so in a Safeway. This is actually vital.
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It is key to being able to experience a safe and secure
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relationship. If we can't get into a place
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where we can be vulnerable with our partner, then it limits our
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ability to connect. Our vulnerability is what I term
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the Royal Rd. to connection. It is how we connect to others.
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We open up, we share some things about ourselves.
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We take some emotional risks with our partner in hopes that
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they can attune to that and respond in a loving, caring way.
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Trauma disrupts that. It disrupts our ability to be
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able to be vulnerable with others, especially our partners.
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And as I said, that trauma is the Royal Rd. to connection.
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So being able to regain that sense of vulnerability, to be
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able to learn how to flex that muscle again and build it up
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increases our chances towards being able to reconnect and
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really have a deeper connection with our partner.
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Let's just start by talking about what is vulnerability.
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Vulnerability really is, it's the sharing of feelings, fears,
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needs or personal truths and, and having some kind of
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certainty that our partner will respond in a loving and caring
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way. It is less dependent on how the
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person responds and more dependent, in my opinion, on us
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being able to set aside and move our protective parts.
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That part of us that that that sends off the anxiety that says
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this is a warning. We got to be careful.
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We're about to be vulnerable, don't do it.
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And, and we build up our defenses either by shutting down
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or by replacing vulnerability with a different emotion or
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coming across way too aggressive and not, not soft and vulnerable
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enough. You know, all kinds of ways that
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we can protect ourselves from being vulnerable.
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Being able to take that and set that aside and lead with a sense
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of, of, of core feelings, sadness, fear, whatever it might
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be. It could be even joy and
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happiness, just pure excitement about something.
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Sometimes being excited and taking that to our partner can
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be a vulnerable thing for people.
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They've come from an environment or they've been taught that you
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can't be excited about something.
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Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
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Well, don't get excited because the rug will just be pulled out
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from under you. They grew up in a much more of a
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pessimistic environment. So even something as simple as
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joy or excitement, they tend to dampen down, they tend to keep
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to themselves or justify, Oh, I, I don't let me think more
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negatively about this as opposed to more positively.
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So even bringing a sense of joy can be a vulnerable thing.
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But when we, we came with these truths to our partner, when we
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come with these feelings, needs or expectations there, there's
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this place we get to where we have to be able to move our
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protection out of the way. We have to be able to say, this
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is going to be OK and, and soften and, and let our
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protection know, Hey, thanks for being there.
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Because I know that you are trying to protect me and you're
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there for a good reason, because of my wounds.
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But I don't need you right now. I need to try to get some
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connection with my partner. And in doing so, I need you to
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step aside a little bit. And so I think that's one of the
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greater challenges of being able to be vulnerable is can I
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recognize when my protection comes up?
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Can I recognize when those alarm bells go off, those danger cues
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and actually take that part of myself and have it step aside so
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that I can lead with this sense of vulnerability that I can be
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more open and to my with my partner.
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And in doing so, I have now the the real opportunity to be able
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to deepen that connection. So if you grew up with
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rejection, if you grew up with neglect, betrayal, you know,
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your nervous system, as I said, has has equated openness with
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danger. And and that is where our
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protection comes up because when you begin to feel like you're
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being open, when you begin to feel that sense of
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vulnerability, that's when your nervous system will send you
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those warning signals. It will say, don't do this.
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This is dangerous. Don't move into a place of
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vulnerability. And that's because our past
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experiences have taught us that sharing our needs, sharing our
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feelings, whether it be a sense of shame or joy, as I said, or
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sadness, they, they tend to not be reciprocated.
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We didn't have somebody there that was able to show up for us
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in that place and attune to our feelings, to be able to receive
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those feelings and, and hold those for us long enough that we
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felt like we weren't alone in those feelings.
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I've said this many, many times on this podcast.
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Often times trauma is is created not always because of the event
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that occurred or series of events, especially with complex
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trauma, but because there was nobody there to help us process
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what was actually happening. And our body learned that nobody
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shows up for you in this place. When you're hurting, when bad
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things go down in your life, nobody's going to be there for
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you. And so you have to adapt to that
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moment or those moments, those repeated moments that happen.
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And that takes from you a sense of being vulnerable and how to
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be able to be vulnerable with others, not everybody.
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And I don't, I don't want you leaving this podcast thinking
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that, oh, yeah, I just should just go out and I should just
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open my heart to anybody and everybody.
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No, absolutely not. People have to earn your trust.
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They have to earn the right for for you to be vulnerable with
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them. So don't just walk away
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thinking, well, I just, you know, I open my heart to anybody
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and everybody. That's not vulnerability.
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Vulnerability is knowing who we can trust, who we can be open
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with, and who truly will be there for us.
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So that's a little bit about how I think about and define
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vulnerability. I see this a lot in working
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well, my individuals, but certainly my couples as well.
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When there has been a trauma. And it doesn't matter whether
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it's a trauma that happened in the relationship with both those
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partners or whether it was a trauma that happened in the past
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adolescence or even childhood. And I get somebody to a point
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where I can get them to set aside their protection for a
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moment and try to lean into their partner.
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And, and sometimes they just look at me with these huge eyes
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that just scream how scared they are because they are so afraid
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that if they are vulnerable that they're going to get the same
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result they've always had before.
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And so it takes a lot of work and a lot of bravery and a lot
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of risk taking to be able to step into those moments, to
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recognize them and to to lean into those moments so that you
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can actually get a different result.
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This is the beauty of couples work.
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This is the beauty of having a partner who can show up for you
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differently than a dad did show up for you differently than a
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mom did show up for you differently than a a best friend
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or or an abusive uncle or whatever the trauma might have
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been. You have a partner that can give
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you a different outcome and help you learn and relearn and
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reteach your central nervous system that vulnerability is OK
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Vulnerability can be safe. So let's talk about what safety
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looks like in our relationships. We've kind of defined
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vulnerability. Now we kind of get the idea.
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Let's talk about what does it mean to be safe in our
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relationships? Well, by safe, I don't mean
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something that's completely void of risk.
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So I think there's always some risk.
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Even in safe and secure relationships, when you've had
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past trauma, there's always a little bit of risk that comes up
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for you. And so I don't want us to equate
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safety meaning that there's zero risk.
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It, it feels completely safe. It's, it's always a sense of, of
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security. Our alarm bells would never go
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off. That's not what I mean.
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What I do mean is that safety means that you can trust
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yourself and handle your emotions that you're not going
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to pop out of the window of tolerance.
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You're not going to go into fight or flight at the first
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sign that your partner might not be receiving your vulnerability.
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It means that you're able to stay long enough with those
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vulnerable emotions that you don't convert them to anger or
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that your defenses don't jump back in.
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And so that would be the first sign of safety is that you're
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able to do the internal work yourself to be able to stay in a
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place of vulnerability. One of the things I see a lot
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when I'm helping my couples is 1 partner will reach out and and
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lean in to being vulnerable with their partner.
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But then at the very first sign that somehow their partner might
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miss this, might not get it. They might perceive or it might
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even be real that that this isn't going well.
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They immediately abandoned their vulnerability and they
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immediately go back into their protection and they have to be
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able to stay with that vulnerability long enough for it
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to be received by their partner. So I would say that is one of
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the the things that we have to do is be able to regulate our
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own emotions long enough so that we can stay vulnerable.
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Not because there's zero risk, but because we've done the work
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we need to do to be able to stay with our vulnerable feelings or
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needs long enough to be able to communicate those to our
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partner. I think the second thing is
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being able to communicate at a pace that is comfortable for
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you. So a vulnerable moment might be
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for you being able to not retreat immediately.
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If you fall into more of the avoidance style of attachment
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and your partner comes to you and they're wanting to talk to
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you about something that has to do with the relationship, your
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body might immediately respond and say shut down.
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Here we go again. We're going to go into another
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argument. Oh my gosh, here we go again.
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Retreat, retreat, retreat. Vulnerability for you might be,
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you know what, I'm going to listen openly, I'm going to
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listen non judgmentally and I'm going to try to stay in a
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vulnerable place a little bit longer than I usually do.
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And so sometimes being vulnerable means just being able
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to not go into and retreat to your protection as quickly as
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you as you do. If you're more on the anxious
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style of the spectrum, maybe it means you learn to regulate your
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emotions a little bit better so you don't come in so hot and so
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amped up and already expecting your partner to shut down and
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move away and that you'll be abandoned and not heard and so
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on and so forth. So sometimes vulnerability can
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try can be trying to stay open and trying to stay connected a
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little bit longer than what we would normally do that what we
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normally could or would do. And and so being able to come in
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and stay emotionally engaged can very much be an act of
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vulnerability. So how do we put these two
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together? We've learned what vulnerability
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is. It is taking a risk to be open
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with your thoughts, feelings, needs, expectations to your
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partner, something that would be risky for whatever context that
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is for you. We've also learned that a way to
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be safe or a couple of ways to be safe is to 1.
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Be able to to take it at a pace that's comfortable for you, but
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also being able to trust yourself, stay regulated, and
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try to hold off from going back into your emotion too quickly.
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That can also help you create some sense of safety.
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So how do we combine these? How do we put ourselves in a
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place where we can communicate our vulnerability and try to be
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safe as well? One of the first things, and I
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always start with this because it is always so important, we
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got to go inside, we got to go inward and we got to recognize
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what those vulnerable moments look like and feel like in our
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body. And this is absolutely crucial.
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We have to be able to understand those warning bells that go off,
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those signals that get sent to us that say danger, danger and,
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and when we start to move into our protection and our defenses,
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because those are the biggest barriers to vulnerabilities.
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So awareness of those moments is absolutely crucial.
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I think being able to stay within the window of tolerance.
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Again, if you're aware of those moments, for you being
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vulnerable might be trying to hold off, going into your
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protection, evoking your defenses, shutting down or
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replacing your emotion or or popping out of the window of
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tolerance and going into fight, flight, freeze or fond, whatever
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that might be. That to you could be a
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vulnerable moment. And so that awareness of how
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your body's responding in the moment, the ability to stay in
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the window of tolerance. And then third, I think being
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able to set some boundaries around vulnerability.
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So what does that mean? It it might mean simply
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communicating to your partner that this feels like a
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vulnerable moment for you. Could they slow down a little
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bit? Could they soften a little bit?
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Could, could we just slow this process down?
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I'm feeling vulnerable and I'm really trying to stay open and
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I'm trying to listen non judgmentally or I'm really
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trying to communicate something that's important to me.
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Can we just slow this down a little bit?
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Can we just stop and pause? This is really important to me
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and I'm trying to do some of my own work here and I would really
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appreciate it if we could just sort of slow this down.
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Being able to communicate something like that, I think is
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absolutely crucial because one, it should be able to tell your
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partner that you're doing, doing the work.
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It should be able to tell your partner, hey, this is one of
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those moments that I can, I can recognize and I can see and I
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need your help with. And so being able to communicate
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those vulnerable moments, I think is absolutely crucial,
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especially if if you and your partner both have some past
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trauma, because it is possible your vulnerability can trigger
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your partner's protection. And this is where our, our
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different parts get all mixed up, right?
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Your vulnerability might actually trigger your partner's
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wound. And so when that happens, the,
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the chance of an escalation, the chance of falling back into our
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cycle can be all that much more likely.
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So being able to communicate that this is a vulnerable moment
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for me. Here's what's going on inside of
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me. My body's telling me I'm taking
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a risk here. Can we stop?
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Can we slow this down? Can we just, can you just be a
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little bit softer with me here? I really need that because I'm
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trying to be more vulnerable and be more open and listen more
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openly and non defensively to you.
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And that can be. A great way to be able to create
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a sense of safety while also being vulnerable.
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I want to do a quick aside here because I just hit on to
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something that's really important, something that I
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think you might and maybe I need to do a whole different podcast
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on. This is when you're
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vulnerability might trigger your partner's wound.
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It is very possible that some people have wounds around others
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vulnerability. They may have had a mother or a
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father who was sickly growing up, and they used their
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sickness, their vulnerability as a weapon, as a tool to to abuse
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or neglect or abandoned or whatever that might be their own
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child. Or maybe there was something in
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your adolescence where somebody else's vulnerability became
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weaponized for you. And if that is the case, it is
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very possible that when your partner shows up and tries to be
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vulnerable, that could actually be triggering for you.
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And so if you are one of these people that somebody's
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vulnerability was actually weaponized, if somebody's
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vulnerability was used against you or to manipulate you or
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control you, then you've got your own work to do so that your
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partner's vulnerability doesn't become triggering to you.
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Maybe maybe you learned that when somebody was vulnerable or
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you were vulnerable, you were shamed around that.
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And so now what you do is when your partners are vulnerable,
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you see them as weak. You see them as lacking in a
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certain strength of will, if you will.
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And, and you, you shame them, maybe not so much with words,
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but maybe with certain actions or maybe you roll your eyes or
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whatever that might be. This is one of those situations
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where maybe somebody else's vulnerability is actually
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triggering to you. So I think that's really
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important to be able to recognize that sometimes
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vulnerability can be triggering to a partner.
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I don't see that a ton. It's, I've certainly seen that
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that certainly happened where people see vulnerability as
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weakness because they were shamed or they were, it was used
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to control them. But, but I wouldn't say that's
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the vast majority of it. So hopefully you have a partner
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that is not triggered by your vulnerability, but rather
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welcomes it because they, they want to be more connected to
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you. And so if they can recognize
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those vulnerable moments, then they can hopefully move out of
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their protection, their avoidant anxious or disorganized style of
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protection and, and be able to be more open with you there.
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Another thing I think is how do we practice vulnerability and
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safety is to start small and don't think about coming to your
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partner or a best friend or anybody else that you might want
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to take that risk with. Don't think about coming to them
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in a way where you're going to start with the biggest
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vulnerability of all. Don't do that.
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Start small. And so you can begin, you know,
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with, with a small hurt, something that happened very
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recently as opposed to the biggest wound that you've been
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holding for years. That kind of a thing.
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We don't, we don't want to do that.
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I think another way to practice being vulnerable and safe is to
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to use both and language. Remember, multiple things can be
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true at once. You can be struggling with your
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tone and struggling with your moving your protection out of
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the way and also be trying to work towards more openness and
24:22
more vulnerability with your partner.
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Two things can be true at the same time.
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I'm scared to do this and I'm feeling closer to you.
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I'm popping back and forth between wanting to protect
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myself and trying to let down my walls so you can see I'm being
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vulnerable and open with you. So being able to use both and
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language, not either or but both and can be helpful sometimes too
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because your partner can perceive, can perceive you
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struggling maybe emotionally with this.
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They can see, oh, you've got your wall up here for a minute,
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but oh, now it doesn't feel like your walls up.
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And so it might be confusing to them as you struggle with that.
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So in addition to being able to communicate, hey, this is a
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vulnerable moment for me. Could we take this slow?
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Or could you be a little bit softer with me being also able
25:15
to say, hey, I'm I'm scared to do this, but I also recognize
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it's really important. And occasionally it may come
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across messy. It may come across with a little
25:28
bit of a tone. And I don't mean it like that.
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So being able to use that either or language I think can be
25:36
important as well. Another tool I think that is
25:41
good is having a plan, rehearsing what you might want
25:45
to say. If you're going to go talk to
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your partner about something and you know it's going to be a
25:51
vulnerable conversation, don't be afraid to rehearse it.
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Don't be afraid to come in and say, hey, I want to talk to you
25:59
about something. This is a little bit vulnerable
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for me to do it. I'd really appreciate you being
26:05
able to just sort of let me get it out and, and it's not going
26:09
to be perfect. This may be kind of messy.
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You know, before you dive into any particular word or phrase, I
26:15
might say, please kind of let me just get through this because I
26:20
really need you to hear this and I really am trying to be
26:23
vulnerable and open so that we don't fall back into a cycle.
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So being able to what we call platform, being able to sort of
26:31
state your expectations of what you need can be very helpful to
26:36
being able to feel safe before you go into your vulnerability
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as well. What are some potential signs
26:47
that your partner might be a safe person for you to be able
26:52
to be open and vulnerable with? Well, one of the first things
26:56
is, as I've mentioned several times, they might be able to
26:58
listen non judgmentally. They might be able to give you
27:01
that time. Oh, OK, you need to talk to me.
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OK, no problem. I'll just sit and I'll listen
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and I'll recognize that that this can come out kind of messy
27:11
and not perfect and I won't latch on to any word or jump in.
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I'll just listen to you as a whole and I will try to do so in
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a very open, non judgmental way. I think having a partner that's
27:24
able to validate how you feel, they don't have to agree with
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everything you say. They don't even have to agree
27:31
with your personal truth, but they can certainly validate your
27:35
feelings. I can see where that would be
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fearful for you. I can see why that was
27:42
triggering and made you upset. Having a partner that can
27:47
validate your feelings and validation simply means being
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able to communicate to you that they understand where you're
27:55
coming from. They may not agree, they may
27:57
have some points that they struggle with.
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It could be something that's completely outside of their own
28:03
realm of experience, but nonetheless, you can see them
28:07
making that effort. Then yes, I can see why you
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would feel this way, or I can see how that would be triggering
28:13
or would bring up that feeling for you.
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So having a partner that can validate your feelings makes it
28:21
all that much more safe for you. Having a partner that's able to
28:28
stay open themselves, as I said, and non judgmental is really
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important. And having a partner that's able
28:36
to communicate if they're having a vulnerable moment as well, I
28:41
think is crucial. So as you're expressing to them,
28:45
this is vulnerable, they might even be able to say, and I'm
28:48
feeling vulnerable just listening to you be vulnerable.
28:51
And that actually makes me want to open up and be vulnerable.
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So being able to have a partner exhibit a couple of those
29:00
traits, if you will, I don't know what we quite, quite want
29:03
to call them, but those, those those skills abilities to
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validate your feelings, to try to listen non judgmentally,
29:13
that's going to help you, one, be able to pick the right
29:16
moments, but two, I think be able to increase the likelihood
29:22
that you're going to have a good response from your partner.
29:28
OK, these are just some thoughts.
29:30
I'm sure there's a lot more on the subjects I could share, but
29:34
these are some thoughts that I see a lot that people with
29:38
relational attachment trauma struggle with when they start
29:41
trying to be vulnerable. And that is that that safety is
29:48
equal to connected to yourself. It's not control over your
29:55
partner. Safety means that you have your
29:59
internal trust. You trust yourself.
30:02
You trust yourself to stay in the window.
30:04
You can trust yourself to be open.
30:06
You're working towards regaining trust in others.
30:10
But you trust your feelings and, and you own your own truth and
30:16
you own your own needs and, and you can feel comfortable about
30:21
that. O there's an internal safety
30:24
that that it starts with before we can reach out and feel safe
30:29
with others. And so vulnerability can, can
30:33
start small and then grow stronger over time.
30:38
So take it a piece at a time, especially if you have a partner
30:43
that is willing and able to do that for you, because I think
30:47
that's absolutely crucial in being able to regain that sense
30:53
of trust in others. But some of this, as I
30:56
mentioned, starts with your own work, being able to trust
30:59
yourself and and being able to be vulnerable and open to
31:05
yourself and recognize those moments even before you go to
31:10
your partner. OK, well, I hope you enjoyed
31:13
today. Thank you so much for listening.
31:16
My name's Tom Phillip, and I'm here to remind you to stay
31:18
grounded, clear and connected.