Latest / Beyond The Ceremony: Modern Celebrancy. Unfiltered. / Beyond The Ceremony Podcast Episode 12: Student Spotlight with Graham Miller Ceremonies
Transcript
- Laura, welcome to Beyond the ceremony, modern celebrancy, unfiltered. I'm your host, Laura Crockett, celebrant and mentor at the Academy of modern celebrancy. So welcome back to beyond the ceremony. I'm Laura Crockett, your host and AMC mentor, and I'm really excited because today I am joined for the first time by one of my previous students. Hello, Graham. How you doing? Hi. Good to see you again. How are you? Yes, very good. So the last time we spoke, Graham was for your final assessment on your course for wedding celebrancy, where you were delivering your live wedding ceremony to me. So how has life been since then? How you getting on? Yeah, I think we spoke at the time, and I was more going to be focused towards a funeral celebrant, but I've been contacted by two couples now, I don't know, but they contacted me and said, Well, I do their weddings, so I've got my first one booked for September. Yeah, which is an interesting one, but again, I can go into a longer details later. I want me to just explaining how the celebrant and registrar bit worked and confident, but yeah, no, I'm just loving it. Just such an amazing and it is, I know journey sounds a bit cheesy, but it is just such a massive journey with everybody that we work with. And just, yeah, absolutely loving it. Oh, fantastic. So let's take it back to the beginning. Then, Graham, first of all, can you introduce yourself and your business. So tell me a little bit about you. You as a celebrant and whereabouts, your base, that kind of thing. Yeah, of course. So I'm Graham Graham Miller. I am a serving officer. I'm not working at home. I'm in my office. I would never get away with all these pictures at home, if I'm honest. So I'm still serving. And a number of years ago, I did a lot towards my mom's funeral, writing the eulogy and getting quite involved in it and working with a brilliant celebrant. And then two years ago, I got involved with my father's funeral, and again, a brilliant celebrant, but I did a lot towards eulogy. I just found it for me quite therapeutic, and just to be involved in it and writing it. So I just started looking into it. And then a few months later, I said to my partner, I might look into it. And she was like, just go for it. You know, it's what public presenting. I've done a lot of in the past. MC, sort of not qualified. I've done a lot of it. I looked into it, and I think one of the things we discussed was who to go with, a lot of research about who to study with, and AMC, I think just tick the boxes for me, but yeah, so no, that's why I sort of stepped into it. And September last year, I started growing celebrant ceremonies limited, and yeah, took off from there. So because I'm working, I can only do a couple of months, two to three a month, which is keeping me busy, and I'm still getting calls. Can you do more? I can't, but yeah, so that's, that's who I am, that's what I do. And, yeah, fantastic. I think that's the thing, Graham, exactly like you say, it's really important to have that kind of support network around you. And like you said to your partner, about it, is it something that you know, that you're thinking about? And actually, I think that is what's so important. Because when we're going out there and we're starting this new venture and starting this new business, pretty much starting from scratch, you need to make sure that you've got that kind of, you know, supportive network around you, that we're going to help you grow that business, but also give you that downtime as well, and be able to, you know, help support you in different ways. So I think that is, that is so, so good, and especially, like you say, the fact that you went from your own parents, and, you know, using their funerals as an example, that made you think, actually, yeah, there's, there's more to it than this. And I think a lot of funeral celebrants tend to find that they've got their own personal story of grief themselves, and it really is so important, because you kind of understand that grief, I guess, when it comes to working with your families, would you say that that's definitely helped you, the fact that you will be able to, you know, you were able to get so involved with your parents services, is that, do you think that that's given you help when it comes to working with Your own families? Yeah, they massively. I think you get that degree of empathy, because you know where they are, to some degree, but reflecting on the partner piece as well, you do. And I think all celebrants, you get home after doing a family visit, funeral wise, and you are just, I don't know what to do here. I got nothing. You and You are absolutely tearing yourself apart, going, I don't know how to do this, because I have nothing. But likewise, the wedding one as well. You get home and go, right, I've met this couple. I like them. I've got snippets now, so it's running ideas past somebody who may not understand where you're going, but you just hearing yourself out loud saying something goes, Oh no, actually, I don't like that. Maybe I do this way. So it's just somebody, just they might not be listening, but you just bouncing ideas off and hear what you've got to say. But I think if you want more important, have that partner, have that understanding myself, I know kind of what they're going through. Everybody's different. But also you get home after some visits and you're just, I don't know what to do here, because, yeah, so I think having that kind of sounding board and that mental support, I guess, so that you can talk things through is absolutely so important. And I remember when I trained my mentor said to me one mantra that she tells herself she looks in the mirror and goes, this is not my grief, and that just helps her to use it as a bit of a barrier when she goes in to see the family. Because obviously we have got to understand that, yes, there is a lot of, you know, so many rewarding things about this role. And you know, you know what you're doing for a family is so important, but actually we're only human, and we are, of course, going to, you know, get upset and have those moments where we do find it really difficult as well. So I think, exactly like you say, having that supportive family is so important, and for the good things too, like with the weddings, I'm exactly the same as you. I know that I'll read every script out to my husband, and we might just be sat on the telly watching TV, but I like to run it past somebody to know that I've said it out loud, and to see what they think. And he gets to know my couples by the story. So it'll be like, last year, oh, is that the bunny couple? Because I had a couple that had five rabbits between them, so it was all about that. Or, you know, is that the couple with the ex con fiance? Because that is actually in one of my scripts this year. So, you know, it's all, it's all that kind of thing, I think that is that's so nice having that partner with you, isn't it to kind of help with the peaks and the troughs. So what ceremonies do? Obviously, you've spoken a little bit about this, but what ceremonies is it that you offer? So is it mainly funerals? You do weddings as well? Do you do namings or vows or anything? Or is it just the weddings and funeral weddings and funerals? At the moment, do naming ceremonies mainly funerals. So I've got a couple of weddings lined up now. But also I've been contacted recently by this really nice gentleman who lost his wife. They've got three children, teenagers. She was mid 40s, and she passed before Christmas and had a Direct Cremation. Whole different subject and a completely different podcast. We'll get you back, Graham for that one. They now want a memorial service, and they found me. His sister gave me a ring. He said, Look, this is what we're thinking. We now think we now need to do this. And I was completely blunt, completely honest with him. Told him how I feel and my thoughts about not massively in depth, but just listen, it's down to you what you want to do when you're ready, but I think you should do it, and I think you need it, and I think needs it, so I rang him up. No, sorry. He rang me when he was ready. And we're getting together on Wednesday. We're just gonna meet at a pub have a chat. So it's completely different to anything I've done, but like I say to people, it's a blank script. You know, people say, What services do you offer? What I don't. It's what do you want? You know, the wedding couple, you know, what do you do? I do what you want me to do. You know, how do you visit your day? You're the one who's been dreaming about your day since the day you could start dressing up as a princess. You know, some men start to but not all men dream about their day, but between them, they've got the concept in their heads about what they want their day to be. So don't ask me for my ideas. What's yours first? Because you might have a whole ceremony lined up. All I can do is tweak it and make it perfect for you, which is, I think the role of the celebrant is just to wind the creases out, take you out of the picture so you focus on your day and let me do the worrying. Yeah, lovely. And like, bring their ideas to life. I guess that's fantastic. And when you said you primarily do funerals, what's the reason behind that? Is that, because of the flexibility, does it work better alongside obviously you said you're still working at the moment, or is it just, you know, that's where your passion lies. Talk to me a bit about that. I think because I got into celebrant, the career is a celebrant fruit, because of funerals, and it's what is being there for somebody to say, look, well, you know, we've got two, three weeks together. I. Uh, we're only going to meet twice, but it's making that day when they walk out and they hold your hand, shake your hand and just say thank you so much. We did recent one with a live webcast in the corner like America and Australia. So I mentioned them. You know, good morning to those thank you for getting up so early. Over in I think the Americans were evening, the Australians were morning. So I said, Good morning to Australians. Thank you for joining us. And then the Americans, Good evening again. Thank you. And we got a really nice email back from the funeral director to say, thank you so much for making us feel part of it. There's those little things where you are, you have a captured audience. You've got a pre conceptual idea of what a funeral is going to be. And I think our job is to break that a little bit and take them on a journey and make everybody feel part of it, namely, but in the in the name some of the guests, and just bring individuals in by name, so that when they walk out, they've all had that moment, and they've all so that's the bit I like weddings is brilliant, but it's not really, I don't, I don't know. I mean, I do a couple, and I might actually fall in love with doing weddings, I just don't know. Oh, massively you'd rather celebrate. And would you say, when you said about people in a funeral, it might be something different to what they expected? What about you as a celebrant? Now you've qualified, obviously, still quite recently qualified, and now you're actually doing it for real as a job. Is it what you expected when you when you started your training? What talk to me about that? I'll be honest. I mean, double figures, I could write a book. It's a real eye opener, and it's an amazing, you know, it's amazing, but, you know, you walk in people's houses you've never met them before. And, yeah, you could, honestly, I could write a book on what's happened so far. It's just the most amazing thing where you again, you get home and you get a cup of tea or a glass of wine, you want to sit down and brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you, and the family dynamics of how families work. And, yeah, it's just really, really interesting. It's nice to be there for the family. It's nice to be there for people who are very much lost in that time. They're in that bubble and they don't quite know what's going on, but to be the person who sits there and say, Look, you don't know me. You've got to trust me. Absolutely trust me. I will do absolutely everything by you, and I'll make sure we you know your loved one gets the service and the goodbye and the celebration of the life that you want be that you know it can ask my work. The shortest one was 10 minutes. 40 minutes. It lasted 10 minutes. I had nothing, and I rang other celebrant. So I don't know what to do. I am sweating. I don't know what to do. And they said you can only do what I had poem. Didn't want the extra poem. Just one in out. So you get those, and then you get others where you get so much information that you've got to go, I've got to really cut back on what they've given me. Yeah, and I think that's the thing, exactly like you said, with weddings, where it's like your job to bring it to life. It is the same with funerals. And exactly like you say, some people don't want anything too long. They want something quite short and sweet. They, like you say, perhaps don't want poems or anything. They want to keep it quite short. And others do want to include all of that. And exactly like you've said, it's our role to kind of bring that to life for them. And what would you say, Graham, how does the role fit into your life now? Because obviously, you know you said that you're working at the moment. So do you? Are you a celebrant part time? Like, how? How does that work? In terms of balancing work and your celebrant work alongside each other? I mean, primarily I get, I get the email from the funeral directors saying, All the family directly, mostly from the funeral. Are you free. This day, if I'm free, I will normally ring my boss and just say I've got this Are you happy? And they'll nine times as you said, Yes, you know. So it works. I do have another job which takes me into London, but again, you know, it's just finding that balance and making sure I don't over commit. Because primarily, if I put you in my diary and I'm going to be your celebrant for your funeral, I will commit to you. So if there's anything lining up in the London job, or this job, or I. I won't take it on, but I haven't. I haven't turned one down yet. Wow, that's fantastic. And when you started the course, what was it you were looking for? Was it just something because, exactly like we spoke about earlier on, your previous experience from your parents funerals, it was something that you knew you would enjoy, or was it that you were looking for a bit of a change of direction career wise? Like, what was it that kind of drew you to the to the idea of, you know, training in the first place? I think it's both, really, I think you've hit both. One is, I'd like to leave this job I've been doing. I've been in the army for 34 years, and I'm ready to sort of move on to something different. So it's building up my portfolio, getting a name out there where people go. I know a man who can which happened in a funeral at Stoke. There was a celebrant up there, and the family were looking for someone military. So then I know I know a celebrity military so it's getting your name out there, and then hopefully, if the portfolio builds up and and again, just because you decide to do something doesn't mean you're gonna be good at it. Especially this, this, this, you know, being a celebrant is not easy. It's an immense amount of dare I use the word fun. It's brilliant when you get it right, it is. There's no feeling like it. So when I joined up for I didn't know what to expect, but I was hoping to get qualified and see where that journey took me. But I really enjoyed the journey. I enjoyed the learning the Q and A's, I thought were brilliant. So I learned a lot, and I learned a lot about me as well, which is a strange thing, but sitting back and listening to questions, you go, Oh, actually, I've done that, or this is how I would do it, but it is very much like being an actor. I think, I think, like most jobs, it's been, you know, I would never go home and be who I am at work, kick me out the door in seconds few. So like being a celebrant, you've just got to step out. Even if you're not comfortable, you can't be seen to not you know, look at actors. Actors are very rarely comfortable in their arenas. That's why they become actors and comedians. Their persona is completely different to the real them. That's sometimes what we need to do. Like you said, you separate yourself from you to be in the celebrant. Don't think about the grief aspect or bring your own personals. That's not I did one funeral where I stood at the back ready to say, ladies and gentlemen, would you please stand open mouth, and nothing came out really well. And the one of the wife would just give me a massive hug before she walked down to say, you know, and I nothing so it's good, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, would you please know, but you do get that moment where it but it's just stop, take a deep breath, pretend nothing's happened, go on and they're all, not only the course, but just by rehearsing and going through the aspects of it. So, yeah, absolutely. And I think, like we spoke about, we are all humans at the end of the day who do this, and we have great empathy for our families that we work with. So actually, you know, those moments do come where you can't find the words, and it can feel a bit difficult. So exactly like you say, it's that regaining that composure. And then you mentioned about the military funeral. So that's incredible, because you've kind of found your niche, I guess, which is what we always talk about. Obviously, when anyone's becoming a celebrant, it's like, okay, find your niche. What is it that you can offer that no one else can to your services? So that's amazing. How have you combined your kind of army experience, all those fantastic years in the Army, together with your celebrancy work to create these military funerals. I think the main thing is I did originally say it was going to be my niche was military, but I'm enjoying all of them at the minute. And then I think with a military one is we did one for a gentleman who was in Wales, and they thought there was only going to be I got a phone call because somebody over there knew I was military and knew me. I know you're celebrant. Would you do it? So before hitting early card, if it was going to be one or two people, it had a horrible couple of years, and it was just going to be short sharp. So I made some phone calls and got on the old military drums. And for the service, we had the association flag, we had buglers, we had standing room only, and that individual got an amazing and well deserved send off. Did. Gentleman in Stoke again, we got all the military aspects in there Piper. We had gentlemen of his regiment from years who were outside to come to attention. So it's just having that do this, do that do this, and just making it personable. When you talk about regiments, you talk about cause, you talk about certain aspects of that individual's life in a military way, it just makes the family feel better knowing that you know from military one, I wear my medals? I haven't worn a berry, but some other there is a couple of celebrities who wear their berries as well. And I'll wear a regimental tie that I my regiment. So you just get that aspect of there is somebody who understands that individual saying goodbye to that individual. We understand the journey they've been on, and we're able to throw in squatty humor when and if you know, if it appropriate, we'll throw in a bit of squatty humor as well. That's so nice, and I bet to your families, that is something that's completely invaluable to them. Having someone exactly like you said, you understand what they've been through with that military background of your own. I bet that that is so reassuring when they know that actually they're talking to somebody who actually, really cares. And it sounds like, I mean, what a difference you made to that, to that ceremony in Wales, like that's just amazing to think that you brought all that together, and, you know, helped to create that really special send off. And I think that that is so important. And they're, they're the kind of moments where it makes you sit back and go, Yeah, I did that. Like this role, you know, is something that gives me chance to make that difference, I guess. And you know that that day would have been something that the family was so happy with, because it was done right, rather than it being, you know, just pulled together. It was actually done properly, and I bet that meant so much to them. And what would you say is, kind of your favorite part of the role overall? Is it moments like that, or is it those quieter moments on the family visits like what is it you really love about the role? Bizarrely, it's it's the journey away. It's when you close your door and you start driving away from that sorry, I've just got something drop off. You drive your way in, and the family are you've had the compliments the families that they're all happy what you've done, you know you've done the best by whoever you've said farewell to and whose life you celebrated. And you know, you've done the best you can do for that service and that person. And you drive away, and you do have a certain air of, yeah, I'm happy, and that that just the moment in the car on your own, and you go, yeah, everybody was happy. And you feel good about yourself. It's strange to say, you know that moment how you feel good about yourself, but it was like the wedding couple I met. I met them for the first time last week. They were looking at having a registrar and a celibate on the same day. Again, brutally honest with them, potentially talking myself out of a job, but when I walked away, I got a really nice text message from them, and you go, Okay, good job. It's just those things, I think, when you're in the moment, you're talking to the families, or you're talking to the couple, you're thinking too much to take in what you know. You're just listening, trying to hear everything that's been said, and your focus is 100% on every word, every body movement. When you visit a family, you're looking around at pictures. Is there some DVDs in the cabinet? Is there one that stands you're just focused the whole time. When you get in the car at the end, when you sit down, you go, yeah, fantastic. Oh, that's so great, Graham. And it is so true. And I think as well, that feeling, especially after a celebration of life, after a funeral, like you know that you've done that person justice, but also that is the final farewell. That's it. That's their final celebration. I mean, of course, people might still do a memorial, you know, 12 months, six months down the line, or whatever, but that service is so important to get right, and the pressure that we feel to make sure that we, you know, are doing a good service for that family, actually to then, like you say, have that moment in the car afterwards to just let yourself take it in and go, yeah, that actually was perfect. That was what they wanted, and it was what that person deserved, that proper send off. I think absolutely, like you say, it's so rewarding. And I think that's the thing, the difference with funerals and weddings. I think weddings are so joyful and so much fun. And you just are buzzing on the energy of a wedding. Of course they are. But funerals are so rewarding in a different way. It's just such a different feeling, isn't it, like from one to the other? And it's funny because it's really hard. You get so many celebrants who will say, Yeah, I love funerals. And, you know, funerals is my thing. You'll get some that absolutely love weddings. You'll get some that love naming everyone's very different. And I think it's because the roles are actually very different, although they all come under that umbrella of being a celebrant. Actually, all the ceremonies are different in, in, you know, so many different ways, yeah. But I think the hardest, you're a business, that's, that's the tough one is, you know, or what do you charge? Well, you know, one pound 50, I'll do it. But you have to remember, you know, you are fundamentally a business when it comes to that's the difficult one for me. Is a someone who's never been in business, is the hard line. Why I tried? Bang, bang, bang, bang. Whereas, you know, there's certain aspects we go, but no again, if anybody watching this and was thinking about it, probably a bit before, but do it? Yeah, fantastic. Oh, Graham, I love that. Well, that was going to be my final question. I always finish the episode with what's your one piece of advice to anyone considering becoming a celebrant, but I guess you've summed it up. I would what would my one bit of advice be? Don't have Laura as your mentor, because she'll come back to you six months later and want you to come on the podcast. Rubbish. Think outside the bot, a couple of things I said these on chats, is start making contact with funeral directors as soon as you can do while you're on a course, even if you've got a question and you know the answer the question, walk into the funeral directors and just play the I'm just studying to be a celebrant. Got this question. I just don't quite know how to answer it. Can I ask you? You're not selling yourself. You're asking for advice and direction, and you have that conversation starts. Great advice free through directors, just by doing that. Oh, qualified. Come back. You know, we'll do it, and I've worked for all three now. So think outside the box by not going out there with your business card saying, I am the new greatest thing since sliced bread. Just be you and get you know. Speak to people. Let people know you're a celebrant. Let people know what you do. So without overly selling yourself, sell yourself and just have confidence in you. You're different the way you do. Your foods will be different to me. You'll watch mine and go, I wouldn't do it that way. Well, that's why we're different. That's why, when the freedom directs go, actually, I think this should be for Laura. She's got her name, actually, this one might be forgot, be you don't be a robot, because you would never be a good celebrant as a robot. True, yeah, AI. There's always conversations about that, but yeah, you, you can't get, I don't use AI, get from us. No. Good, good, absolutely. Script is completely original. I know a lot of people do and it works for them, and I don't criticize AI. I think if it works for you, and that's your thing, do it. I think we are as celebrants. It just leaves a funny taste in in my mouth. You can ask anyone that I work with whenever they mention AI, I'm like, Oh, don't use it. Don't talk to me about it, because I just think it lacks that personality and that warmth and that human connection, and I think it is a very powerful tool and can be used very well in other areas. But I think, exactly like you say, those scripts that we write and those ceremonies that we deliver are based on human connection, and you can't get that from an app. No, I each poem is chosen to reflect the individual. Each eulogy is completely different each that the format is fundamentally saying, because I know I've got my time limit, but yeah, it's very much. You know, listening to other people, what do they want? If you go AI, you're not giving the individual what they want. Yeah, absolutely all. Graham, we'll have to have you back for loads of episodes. Then we want a military episode. We want an AI episode. And what was the other one we spoke about earlier on that you said that could be an episode in itself. Oh, I can't remember now, direct view, direct cremations. Direct cremations. There you go. We'll get you back. There you go. There's another three. I'll get you booked in for Graham, it was lovely to see you. Thank you so much, and I'm so pleased to hear you know what a success it's it's worked out to be, and I'm not surprised you've worked so hard, Graham. So thank you so much for coming on. And I'll chat to you soon about those other three topics. Okay, yeah, listen. Anybody's listening? I. I wish you well and have a safe journey as a celebrant, and you're learning just go for it and be safe. Oh, thanks, Graham, thanks for listening to today's episode of beyond the ceremony. Don't forget to like, share and subscribe. See you next time you.