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When Attachment Styles Collide: Why We Trigger Each Other in Relationships · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Tierra and this is Ruth Those Podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back and thank you for joining me in this second episode of the Attachment Style series.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know that on episode one, I told you guys that I wasn't sure if this series would be two episodes or three episodes, so I have to cite that it is going to be three episodes.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So on this second one, we are going to be talking about when attachment styles collide.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of this episode, it is my intention that you will be able to understand how your attachment patterns interact with other people's attachment patterns.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully you'll be able to also recognize how two people with two different attachment styles can unintentionally create a cycle that makes both of them feel unheard and less secure.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to start off with giving you a scenario.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say two people have a disagreement.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: One says, Can we please talk about this?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other says, I don't want to talk about this right now.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: The first person follows them saying, Why can't we talk about this right now?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: The second person becomes frustrated and says, Because I need space or because I don't want to.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now what's happening is the first person is feeling abandoned and the second person is feeling suffocated.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is that both people may be trying to make themselves feel safe.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you remember in the previous episode where we talked about attachment styles, we talked about secure, anxious, avoided, and fearful avoidant attachment tendencies.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: But as I stated in the previous episode, understanding your pattern is only half of the conversation.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there is one attachment combination that demonstrates it's better than almost any other combination, and also one that I am very familiar with, and that's the anxious avoidance cycle.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about this cycle.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say that person A has anxious attachment tendencies.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So when something feels different, they want reassurance that everything is okay and that the relationship is still safe.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So they move toward the relationship.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: But on the other hand, person B has avoidant attachment tendencies.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: They experience their increased pursuit as pressure.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: So they move away from that relationship.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: But now person A sees them pulling away and thinks, see, something is wrong.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So they pursue harder.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because remember, they may have a fear of abandonment.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So this pulling away may lead their minds to feel like the relationship is in trouble and they're at risk of being abandoned again.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: But person B thinks, see, this is exactly what I need space.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing too much.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they withdraw even further.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Neither person is necessarily waking up and thinking, hmm, how can I make this relationship difficult today?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: But to each person, it may feel like the other person is doing exactly that.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But they are both there just responding to discomfort differently, in which one person's coping mechanism has become the other person's trigger.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: What I have also learned is that understanding this cycle doesn't mean that every behavior is acceptable.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you need reassurance doesn't give you permission to violate boundaries.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you need space doesn't give you permission to disappear indefinitely.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's easy to listen to this scenario that I just gave and side with one side or the other, but instead of deciding who's right and who's wrong, what happens when we actually pay attention to what both people are experiencing?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: The same relationship can feel completely different to two people depending on how they both interpret things.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: One person saying, I just need a little time to myself can sound like you're pulling away from me to an anxious attachment person.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: When in reality, what the person meant was, I need time to regulate myself so I don't say something that I don't mean.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Both of their experiences are real to them, but their interpretation of the situation is completely different.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you this: how many arguments are actually arguments about what we have assumed someone else's behavior meant?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is where attachment awareness becomes useful.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: It creates a pause between what they did, what I assumed it meant, and how I responded.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: But also, let's not take this too far and assume that attachment styles are the reason for everything.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes someone really is inconsistent.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they really are emotionally unavailable.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes someone really is behaving in a controlling way.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment theory shouldn't be used to explain legit relationship problems.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that brings us to something that we probably don't talk about enough.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we become so focused on identifying somebody else's behavior that we stop looking at our own behavior.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now we're going to talk about how attachment language can become another way to blame people.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know how sometimes people can learn a new quote-unquote buzzword and suddenly start using it for everything, like narcissistic, for example?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that same thing can happen when people learn attachment terminology.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, all you hear or read is, my ex wasn't avoidant.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's anxious.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: He's emotionally unavailable.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's just his attachment style.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: But do you ever stop and ask, what were you doing inside that dynamic?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they did withdraw, but were you pursuing them after they asked for a reasonable space?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you became anxious.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: But were they inconsistent enough that anxiety was understandable?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone wanted reassurance.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Were you dismissing their needs instead of communicating your limitations?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to learn language that helps us explain everybody around us, but the real growth happens when the same language also makes us curious about ourselves.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But anxious and avoided attachment types aren't the only two people who can trigger each other.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Two people with very similar attachment tendencies can create completely different problems.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what happens when similar attachment styles get together.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one that we're going to talk about is one anxious person with another anxious person.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: With this one, they both may value closeness and it can feel wonderful initially, but if they both rely heavily on reassurance, they may have a difficult time calming each other's fears when they both are activated.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: This can be anxiety, feet, and anxiety.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's the avoidant with another avoidant.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: With this one, there may initially be plenty of independence and other pressure, but difficult conversations could remain unresolved if both people tend to withdraw.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because no conflict doesn't necessarily mean healthy communication.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, there is the fearful avoidant dynamic.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, this is the one that's that push and pull dynamic.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: With this one, someone may desire closeness and then become frightened by the vulnerability that comes with that closeness.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine two people being in a relationship together who are both like this.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: It can create inconsistency that is confusing to both of them.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when someone with insecure tendencies develops a relationship with someone who tends to be secure?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But before I go any further in this segment, I want to clearly state that this segment or this episode is not about find yourself a secure person, they'll fix you, because we should not be looking for someone to fix ourselves, and we also should not be looking to try and fix someone else.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: But secure behaviors can change the dynamics.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if an anxious person says, You've been quiet, I'm worried that something may be wrong with us, instead of, oh, you're being so dramatic, a more secure response would be, we're okay, I just had a stressful day, but thank you for checking in.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or if an avoidant person says, I need some time before we continue this conversation, instead of, no, we're going to talk about this right now, a more secure response would be, okay, let's take some space, but can we agree to come back to this tonight?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you notice, with these responses, one person's need isn't being sacrificed for the other.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And secure relationships doesn't mean that no one gets triggered.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Secure is learning how to handle those moments in a healthy way.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So now that you understand the attachment styles, how can you catch this cycle before the cycle catches you?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself these four questions.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: One, what happened?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And make sure when you ask this question, you stick to the facts.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Two, what did I make it mean?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Three, what did that activate in me?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And four, what did I do next?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that this information can be as helpful to you as it has been to myself.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And join me next week for the final episode of this series where we'll be talking about what it actually looks like to move towards a more secure relationship, how to communicate your needs, handle triggers, act for reassurance without losing yourself, and recognize when understanding someone else is no longer enough.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tiara, and this is Real Thoughts Podcast.