Latest / Toxic Relationship Podcast / 10 Signs You are Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse Withdrawal and How God Can Help!

Transcript

10 Signs You are Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse Withdrawal and How God Can Help! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome everyone to the Toxic Podcast, Christian Women Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and I'm joined today by best-selling author Shannon L.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_04: Alder, who wrote the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_04: Shannon, it's great to have you here.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, Jake.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to be here, and I hope you're feeling okay.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like you've got a bit of a cold.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, just a little scratchy throat, but I'll power through.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_04: Today we're diving into a topic that so many women struggle with: narcissistic abuse withdrawal.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_04: You know that feeling after leaving an abusive relationship where you actually miss the person, even though you know it was toxic.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's one of the most confusing and painful parts of healing.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: Many women think, if I left, why do I feel worse?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: But that's actually a sign of the trauma bond, not a sign that leaving was wrong.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_04: Right.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_04: And the article we're discussing today lists 10 signs of this withdrawal.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_04: Let's start with the first one: an overwhelming urge to contact the person.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_04: You know, that feeling of needing closure or just one more conversation.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and that urge can feel almost impossible to resist.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: You tell yourself, I only want closure, or I need to know if they miss me.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: But the problem is, that final message often turns into several sequels.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: You write it, delete it, rewrite it, and the other person still doesn't listen.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: That's so true.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_04: And the article gives great advice: wait at least 20 minutes before responding and write down what you hope will happen versus what usually happens.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_04: It's about creating space between the emotion and the action.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And, remember, an emotion is not an instruction.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just because you feel the urge doesn't mean you have to act on it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Psalm chapter 46, verse 10 says, Be still and know that I am God.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: That stillness can be the space where God meets you.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: Now, the second sign is constantly checking your phone or social media.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: You become an unpaid private investigator, analyzing every post and story.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_04: But that keeps you emotionally connected to their life.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I've been there.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: You see a smiling photo and think they're doing great without you, but social media is just a highlight reel.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: It can't tell you if someone has genuinely changed, and sometimes we misinterpret coincidences as signs from God to go back.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_04: Right.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_04: A song playing in the grocery store is just the grocery store's playlist, not divine direction.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_04: The article suggests muting, unfollowing, or blocking if it's safe.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's not childish.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_04: It's a protective boundary.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: You are not required to monitor another person's life while rebuilding your own.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Boundaries are biblical.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus himself withdrew from crowds and walked away from hostile situations.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: Sign number three, remembering the good times and minimizing the abuse.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_04: Your mind creates a romantic highlight reel while losing the security footage.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_04: You think it wasn't bad all the time.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's true.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Most abusive relationships aren't painful every minute.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: If they were, leaving would be easier, but good moments don't erase destructive patterns.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: The article recommends creating a reality list.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Write down specific behaviors that caused you to leave.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: That's powerful.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_04: And Matthew chapter 7, verse 16 says, you will recognize them by their fruits.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: A meaningful apology produces fruit, honesty, accountability, respect, and sustained change.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_04: Words without change are not repentance.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Spiritual language doesn't make unhealthy behavior safe.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can acknowledge the good memories without returning to the destructive pattern.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_04: Now, sign four.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_04: Your body feels anxious, restless, or physically unwill.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_04: You might have trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, or a racing heart.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_04: You ask, if leaving was right, why do I feel worse?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Safety and immediate comfort are not the same thing.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Your body has been in survival mode for so long that it takes time to recognize the emergency is over.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And Christians sometimes think anxiety means weak faith, but that's not fair.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: In 1 Kings chapter 19, God let Elijah eat and rest before anything else.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_04: That's a great point.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes you need prayer, and sometimes you also need sleep, nutritious food, and professional counseling.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_04: Faith and professional support don't have to compete.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Healing is holistic.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: God cares about your body as well as your spirit.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_04: Sign 5.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_04: Feeling responsible for their emotions.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_04: They say things like, You abandon me, or, I can't live without you.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_04: That triggers guilt and a desire to rescue them.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Compassion without boundaries becomes self-abandonment.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: You can care about someone without accepting responsibility for every emotion they feel.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus himself refused to allow every demand to control his actions.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You can say, I care about you, but I cannot continue in this relationship.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_04: And if someone threatens self-harm, take it seriously by contacting emergency services.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_04: Don't try to be their only rescuer.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_04: That's not your job.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: You can respond responsibly without returning to an unsafe relationship.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_04: Sign 6.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_04: Craving the emotional intensity.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: You miss the dramatic reunions and the sudden flood of attention.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_04: After that, healthy people seem boring.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love this one.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Butterflies are not always evidence of love.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes they're anxiety wearing perfume.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: Healthy love may feel quieter because you're not constantly trying to earn it or prevent it from disappearing.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_04: That's a great line.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_04: And 1 Corinthians chapter 14, verse 33, reminds us that God is not the author of confusion but of peace.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_04: A godly relationship shouldn't require constant emotional chaos.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Give yourself time to become accustomed to stability.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Calm may feel strange at first, but strange doesn't mean unhealthy.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_04: Sign 7.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_04: Questioning your memory and judgment.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_04: After gaslighting, you might think, was I too sensitive?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_04: Or maybe I'm the toxic one.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Self-reflection is important, but it can become self-interrogation.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: You place yourself on trial every day while the person who harmed you never enters the courtroom.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Written records can help you reconnect with reality.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, healthy conviction is specific.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: It identifies a behavior.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Condemnation attacks your identity.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Romans chapter 8, verse 1 says, There is no condemnation for those in Christ.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_04: That's a crucial distinction.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: God may correct us, but he doesn't manipulate us into accepting responsibility for another person's choices.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You may have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean you imagined the other person's harmful behavior.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_04: Sign 8.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_04: Feeling empty without a crisis to manage.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_04: Your life revolved around their moods.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_04: Are they angry?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: Why are they ignoring me?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_04: Once that's gone, you feel restless.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes what feels like loneliness is partly the absence of a job you should never have been assigned.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: You were not created to spend your life monitoring another adult's emotions.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now you can ask different questions.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: What do I enjoy?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Who was I before survival became my full-time occupation?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_04: That's liberating.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: And your spiritual life can shift from begging God to change the other person to praying for your own healing and purpose.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: God's plan for your life is greater than your ability to keep someone else emotionally stable.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_04: Sign 9.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_04: Needing them to admit what they did.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: You want to hear?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_04: You were right, I lied, I manipulated you.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_04: But if they rewrote history during the relationship, they'll likely continue after.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Wanting acknowledgement is human, but closure is not always something another person gives you.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes closure begins when you stop asking an unreliable narrator to explain your own story.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: God sees the complete truth.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Your experience doesn't become valid only when the abuser agrees with it.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_04: That's a hard truth, but so freeing.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to keep submitting evidence to someone committed to misunderstanding you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right, you can choose forgiveness without restoring trust or access.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_04: And finally, sign 10.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: Wanting to return, just to stop the pain.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_04: Going back may bring temporary relief.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_04: They might apologize, cry, make promises.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: But relief is not healing.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Before returning, ask yourself, what has concretely changed?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Have they respected boundaries?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Have they sought qualified help?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Measure change by consistent behavior over time, not by tears, gifts, or Bible verses.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Reconciliation requires truth, safety, genuine repentance, and sustained change.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's so important.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: You are not betraying God by protecting the life He gave you.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes walking away is accepting that you cannot do their emotional work for them.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: And when withdrawal hits, delay contact.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Tell yourself, I will not make a permanent decision during a temporary wave of emotion.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Create a reality list, reduce triggers, tell a trustworthy friend, care for your body, and consider trauma-informed counseling.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_04: And you can pray honestly.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: God, I miss someone who hurt me.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_04: Help me remember the truth.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_04: Give me strength for today.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: God is not frightened by your conflicting emotions.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Healing doesn't mean you'll never miss them again.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: It means missing them no longer gets to make your decisions.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: You can love someone and recognize the relationship is unsafe.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can forgive and maintain a boundary.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can grieve the good memories without returning to the destructive pattern.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's a beautiful summary, Shannon.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_04: Now before we close, I want to encourage everyone to go to the Toxic Podcast channel on YouTube and subscribe.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_04: Make sure you type in channel or Shannon Alder with that title if you can't find us.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_04: We're trying to reach as many abuse victims as possible, and your subscription makes it easier for people to find us.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, please subscribe and share.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And don't forget, my new book, A Companion to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, focuses on what to do after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: It will be out next year.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can visit ShannonAlder.com for updates, information about the how to break a trauma bond in 90 days course, and details about the 90 Days to Freedom worksheets.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you, Shannon.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: And now as we close, I want to leave you with a scripture and a prayer.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_04: Isaiah 41, verse 10 says, Fear not, for I am with you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_04: Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_04: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_04: Let's pray.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: Father God, we lift up every woman listening who is struggling with narcissistic abuse withdrawal.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: You see her pain, her confusion, her longing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: Remind her that she is not weak.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: She is breaking a powerful emotional pattern.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_04: Give her strength for today, wisdom to choose safety, and peace that surpasses understanding.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_04: Surround her with wise support and guide her steps toward healing.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_04: In Jesus' name, Amen.