Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 38 - Daddy Issues Be Happenin

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Episode 38 - Daddy Issues Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_01: I would like it.
0:01
SPEAKER_01: I look like it's good.
0:03
SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't look like it.
0:06
SPEAKER_01: I would live like it.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't look like it.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are following us on all social media platforms at Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries, you are emailing alive Iguestpodcast at gmail.com.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: And for all I say this with love submissions, you're visiting tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be getting into the one topic that has been top of mind since I even thought about doing this podcast, daddy issues.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: As I've touched on throughout various episodes, my dad is the largest trigger in my life.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: Um there's a lot of things that I had to overcome because of him.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to spend this episode just like bashing, but I'm going to tell my story.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to tell it because there's a lot of people, especially girls or queer people who have daddy issues.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, not to say the mamas don't be doing nothing, but it's more daddy issues than anything else.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: So this is probably one of the most important things that I knew I had to discuss.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: So today we are finally going to get into it.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: But you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude, especially today.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening right now, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Today, I am grateful for therapy.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: There is no way you see me standing here, sitting here, alive and well, breathing today without therapy.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Therapy of all forms has quite literally saved my life and has given me the tools to help me keep going through the hard moments, stressful moments, moments of being triggered, depressed.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't understand why there's still a stigma around therapy or like this idea that you can beat therapy or like finish therapy, like, especially if you black, that doesn't exist.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: So if you aren't in therapy, get your ass in therapy because uh it's a game changer.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: Cause daddy issues be happening.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: If you've been around, you know the trajectory of my dad and I's relationship.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: But if you are new, I'm just gonna give you a high-level overview.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: So my parents were together until I was four.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, then they split up, then I was a custody kid up until I was about 15, 16.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Then I was technically still a custody kid, but I had a choice in where I lived with.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Um up until middle school, I lived with my mom, then middle school, I lived with my dad, then high school, I went back with my mom.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: And then college, you know, he was around.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, he was still always kind of around throughout my childhood, or not kind of like he was.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: Um, but it was a very complex and complicated relationship.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: Um, but as it stands now, and as it's been for about seven years, um, we no longer have a relationship.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: I see him.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, he lives relatively close to me.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: Um, but we do not communicate, we do not engage, we do not do anything.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, I thought it was important to make sure it was clear.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: Like my dad wasn't necessarily like absent.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: Like I knew my dad growing up, live with my dad growing up.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: He didn't just go to the store one day and disappear.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Like this man was in my life.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: Um, so let's be clear on that.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: So my story involves his presence, his absence, all the things that came in between there, and everything that it involved, and kind of where I am today, and hopefully it can be of some sort of support for anybody who's dealing with their own daddy issues, because could throw a rock and hit somebody dealing with that, because it's just more common than not.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: So, where do we begin?
5:01
SPEAKER_00: Okay, when I am a child, and I'm talking up until like um 10, 11, like I loved the hell out of my daddy, like that was like my dog.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, he was like the fun dad.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: He'd always like have movie nights, or he'd take us to Disneyland with that side of the family, or like every time I went to this house, it was some sort of event.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: Um, being an adult and understanding how custody parents work, like it's a lot easier to be fun when you don't have your kid full time, but still, like he was just always fun.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: He let me drive when I was young, and he taught me a lot of things about life, about who I want to be as a person in my family when I got older.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, and he really gave me a lot of key memories and key beliefs that I still carry today as this person in how I move and how I operate in life.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember the time when my parents were together because my youngest memory was literally like when they broke up when I just turned four, and then like a week later, I broke my leg and he was kind of around.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, okay, maybe they're getting back together.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, this is great, and then it didn't work.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: And so, like, that just kind of started our journey of this whole custody thing.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, my dad started another family with my stepmom.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: He now has my three brothers.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, but throughout my childhood, it was really more so like my one brother, my oldest younger brother.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then my mom had my other little brother and my older brother.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: And I would just kind of like bounce.
6:53
SPEAKER_00: But when he had my brother, I was like, okay, so this is like they're not getting back together.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Then my mom had my other brother.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, so this is like a thing.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Got it.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I noticed when my stepmom came around and things started to get complicated in terms of, okay, well, my dad and my stepmom used to always like find things to pick over like my mom with over me.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, I was a rough ass kid.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: Like, my mom would do my hair all the time, but that shit was fuzzy and fucked up very quickly because I'm a rough ass kid and I'm playing outside.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: And you know, my clothes get dirty at school.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, the shit happens.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: My mom working her ass off supporting three kids.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, sometimes am I gonna go to school?
7:47
SPEAKER_00: Hair not done?
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sometimes.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: Like it was done, it just went like pristine, you know.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: My dad tried to find every little angle to like use against her in court, like it was always some sort of like play with him, but also woven into that, he's still this like fun dad, and we're still doing things whenever I see him.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, I remember the first instance of being like hurt by him, it was in the earlier times of custody days where the court ordered that every Wednesday from 5 to 8 p.m., I think were the hours, he would I would go with him.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: And I'd be so excited for that time to come.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Like it's Wednesday, 5 o'clock.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm going with my dad.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, he was trying to support his family.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: He had another kid to feed, and he at the time was working um untraditionally kind of, I'd say.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: Like he had a job, but he was also like hustling on the side.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Like he's a computer dude, so like he was fixing people's computers and stuff like that.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: So a lot of times when Wednesday hit, he was working, or he was late to getting me, and I only had like an hour with him if he got me at all, but he was always busy, and that kind of started my uh disappointment with him.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then you just continue to grow um up until middle school, and I am still dealing with him saying things that are like bothering me, and he's trying to paint this picture of my mom, but I'm still like drinking the Kool-Aid in a sense.
9:39
SPEAKER_00: Like, I still love my dad.
9:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm still like a kid, so I don't really understand.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: And you know, I'm still waiting for the opportunity to live with him because I still want to be over there, and then that opportunity came in middle school.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: And boy, was that shit rough.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Middle school, I'm with him.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: He finally won the custody battle, so to speak, because he got me in this school district that was like prestigious and it looked great on paper.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: And you know, my mom's like, you know, okay.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: Uh not that she's like throwing the towel, but if this is what it's gonna be, like, fine, but that's not gonna stop her from showing up.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: So now I live with my dad.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: And um, man, that was when I had my first taste of depression.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: That's where a lot of my unconscious beliefs came from that I wasn't good enough.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: I don't fault him for operating in the ways he does sometimes.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: I think he can only do as good as he knew, which is crazy because my his mom, my granny, is the greatest woman on earth, and I love her dearly, and she loves me back, and she like cares about my heart so much, and is like the purest woman in the world in terms of like playing it neutral and really seeing the best in people.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: But then his daddy, God rest his whole, may you rest in peace, granddad.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: That was not a good man.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: So it's like you had both parents on both sides of the spectrum, and you leaned heavily towards that daddy.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: But I get it, because you want to emulate your dad, you want to be like your dad.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: I understand, but he could have really um left some of them habits behind.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: But all that to say, he did the best with what he had.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and so I understand how he could love in the ways in which he did, but also as an adult, it's your responsibility, and when your child's coming to you about things that, like, hey, you're hurting me emotionally, it's your job to hear that, change that, and never do it again because you never want to hurt your kid.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, that was not my case, that was not his case.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't want to say like he was just terrible all the time.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: No, that's not true.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: When I was with my dad, I had my own room, which wasn't common growing up, just because you know, a lot of kids in the house and can't have a room for everybody, but like I had my own room at my mom's, but like I had this built-out nice middle school room at my dad's for a very brief moment in time.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Um, he was trying to be more active as a parent for like AAU tournaments and like he was trying in his own way.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: Um, my mom was definitely supplementing where he felt short, never dropped a ball, never skipped a beat.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Um, but you know, uh when I was there in the house and at school, it just felt like such a like tug all the time to do something right.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: Like I was never recognized for doing shit the right way.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: It was always pointing out what I did wrong.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: So it's like I could never be good enough.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: I can never cling good enough.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: I always have to be like reading or doing homework, my room has to always be clean, and even if it's clean, y'all gonna find something and nitpick over.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: Like they really did a number on me.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: I actually wound up cussing my stepmom out and going off on her when I was like 26, and that kind of sparked my first uh mental health episode anyway.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: But like she heard it, she owned it, she apologized.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: Him, he just turned around and somehow blamed me for it.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, middle school was rough.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so into middle school, I'm finally like comfortable with my friends, finally feeling like I'm covering good ground because I haven't been at a steady school.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: Like I moved by the time I got to middle school, I went to four different schools at this point.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Three or four, yeah.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Fourth middle school is my fourth school.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, if I go to high school with these people, it's gonna be great.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be with my brothers.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: I know my mom isn't going anywhere and she's not gonna take my brothers from me, but I can't say that's not gonna be the case if I don't live with him.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I really want to go to this high school because at the time they had a really great coach.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: We actually had a WMBA player who's still like a really big NBA player go to the school I would have gone to.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, it was a great opportunity on paper.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm dealing with these things mentally.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, man, I don't know if I could do this all in high school though, but I will, for the sake of getting a scholarship, getting education, and maintaining a relationship with my brothers, I will put up with it.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: And that's when my mom was like, I know you have things that you're considering.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: I know you see things this way, but if you just trust me in this plan, like I promise you it'll work out.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: And I knew at that point, like my mom never lied to me, and my mom never let me down.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: And something about when she said it, I'm like, okay, I trust you.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: And it would have gets everything I wanted.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go and move down this route so bad at this school, but I'm like, nah, I trust you, like I trust you with me, so I'm gonna go with you, and that pissed that man off, pissed him off.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's when our relationship started to get more of a transaction, more of like a a game, you know.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna put on this front because he would have, because there were situations where it was brought up, and he basically admitted if I wasn't good with him, he was going to keep my brothers from me.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: To know me is to know how important my brothers are to me.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: You can't keep my brothers from me.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care what I have to deal with, I need to be there for them.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna put on this smile and act like shit's good for years because you're not gonna keep them from me.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: If I need to come over to your house and deal with you saying these things to me and deal with her saying these things to me, so long as I can see them, so be it.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: It'll be all right.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: I get to go home after this and I get to come back and see them later on.
17:01
SPEAKER_00: So, um, but yeah, he was very vindictive during this time.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: And again, like, as fucked up as it sounds and as it is to say, like, he's really like a hurt people hurt people type of guy.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: And he was hurt, and I know that because I saw traits of that in me at one point.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: It was like, oh, you hurt me, you go low, I'm going to hell, bitch.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: And now I'm gonna meet you there.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how I operated, and that's kind of what I have to like catch in me.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: So, like, I understand where he's coming from, but like, dog, I'm your kid.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: I didn't do this, you did this.
17:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: Oh, another important thing.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: So, my stepdad.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: My stepdad, although I do not have a relationship with him today, was very instrumental in my upbringing.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: He was always there, supported me.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: He taught me so many things.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: He really like stepped up and was such a like father figure to me.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: And my dad was very threatened by that.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, and that really came undone in high school.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: So I'm living with my mom.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm essentially in the care of my mom and my stepdad and that side of the family.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: And it's just like I'ma put on this front so that I can see my brothers.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm playing basketball still.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: Nothing stopped.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm playing high school basketball at the school and I'm playing in the club, uh, AU basketball.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: This man did not go to a single game.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: Not one.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: Not one.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: He was not there at senior night.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: My stepdad was my grandparents and my aunt and my mom and my other brothers, they were.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: My other little brothers would show up sometimes, like if they could, but they're kids.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: So, like, but he didn't go to one because he was that upset.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's fine.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, so you don't want to show up, you don't want to support.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: You are cool with him, my stepdad supporting.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: And so one day I was like, you know what?
19:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna express this to him.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you know, it bothers me that you don't show up.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: Mind you, I'm already scared as hell to bring this up to him because he doesn't own anything.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't think he knows how to own anything.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: I don't think he was taught how to own anything.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, like, it's his first time living too.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: So I get it, but like that has effects.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: And I bring it up to him, and he just goes off and proceeds to just blame me for everything that's ever happened in his life.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: He blames me, he blames my mom, he blames all the world's problems on me.
20:16
SPEAKER_00: And then to make matters worse, he said, in regards to my stepdad, if he wants to take care of you, let him.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, now I'm like 16.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: 16, 17.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm like 16.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: No, this is like 15, 15, 16.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: This is around the time when I like broke my foot.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, and this is when I start to like get my bat my dad back through my actions.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, I start to rebel against him.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: These are things he never knew.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: I don't think nobody really ever knew.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: But like, I start smoking, I start drinking, I start engaging in some very risky behavior, but like I'm also like a kid, but I knew I was doing it to get him back.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Cause I'm like, if you ever found out I was doing any of this, you'd probably be fucked up.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: You probably blame me, but at least you'd be right to blame me.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: Like it was a real, I was messed up at that time.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: But like I was trying to get him back, and the way I was trying to do that was by hurting me in the process.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: Um, I made it out of high school, alive and healthy and not tainted by anything.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Got my scholarship, went to my school, and lo and behold, guess who at the motherfucking games with all the gear and the shirts and high fiving the parents and taking.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Taking pictures after the games, acting like they was there the whole time.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: Guess who was there?
22:07
SPEAKER_00: I'll wait.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: Now, guess who knew was there?
22:12
SPEAKER_00: Stepdad's still there, mom's still there, grandparents still there, brother's still there.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: My other brothers are there more now because this man says, Oh, I'm here.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I taught her how to shoot with her left hand and I'll which is true.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: He did take me to the park one day.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: I used to shoot my right.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: He's like, let's see how you shoot with your left.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm ambidextrous, shot with my left, and then I pivoted to my left, and now he wants to take credit for me being left-handed.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, bro, you gave me a suggestion and I shot it.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: I know how to play because of that man you told me to let take care of me.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's that's why I know how to play because my mom was taking me to practice.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: That's why.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: Not because you said one thing one time, but baby, he was trying to get that credit.
22:59
SPEAKER_00: He was trying to get that praise.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, he was front row.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: If he had a foam finger or a whistle or anything, he was going to be seen, and everybody's like, Man, I just love your dad.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: Me and my mom confused, like, oh, so you do know when the schedule is, you do know how I play.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: You do you can find the arenas.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: You here now, and I'm blown up, and people know who I am, and I got the scholarship down here.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: So, college.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: Um, the relationships okay.
23:42
SPEAKER_00: By now, I've been playing this game for so long because my brothers are so spaced out, they're all five years apart.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: So when one was 10, one was five, and the other was born.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: And the last one was born when I was 17.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, I have to do this for a while, at least until they're old enough to understand the shit that this man is telling him about me, because he was.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: He was trying to paint the worst picture about me to my brothers.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: I need to stay around long enough, one for them to know me, but two, so they could discern for themselves who I am.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, by the time I graduate college, the baby is one.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: All right, or not college, high school.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I got a little a little bit more time.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: So we gotta get through uh college at least.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: So I'm still playing the game, but now it's kind of getting better.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's we're not great, but we're okay, you know, still dealing with some some shit, but now I'm like an adult, so like, babe, you can't talk to me like that.
24:51
SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck if I'm in your house.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not coming at you like that.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: You aren't gonna disrespect me in private and think I'm not gonna tell him.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: So things started to get a little complicated a little bit, but like I was starting to kind of hold my own more um until things hit ahead.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: My what year was this?
25:15
SPEAKER_00: I was with old girls.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: So this was 2020 or 2015.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: It's one of these, one of these stories.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: So I'm at my dad's house.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: At the time, I'm with my ex, and it's shit going on in the house.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: Like it's a lot going on.
25:34
SPEAKER_00: My stepsisters living there, and her and my little brother are beefing, and like the parent.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: It's just a lot.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: So I step outside to call my at the time girlfriend who they've met, and everything's fine.
25:47
SPEAKER_00: I go outside, mind you, I'm 21.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: 20, 21, 21 at this time, and I'm just talking to her, venting to her.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm out there for like an hour, but it's like eight o'clock, bro.
26:05
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not far.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm on the phone because kids in the house trying to go to sleep.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's a small house, so I'm not trying to be hella loud, and I don't need you eavesdropping.
26:15
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna step outside.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: I step outside, I'm on the phone, I come back in the house, and I'm trying to go up the stairs, and he stops me on the stairs and starts going off on me for like 45 minutes straight.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about in my face.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, who today, baby, that would not be the case.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: You either gonna get cussed out, slapped, or 300 sparta kick down them fucking steps if you think you're gonna sit in my face talking to me crazy all day.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: No.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: But he was, and I'm sitting there because I know when this when he's done, oh, this is it.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: So he's going, and I let him go, let him talk, and he talk and talk and talk, and I'm saying nothing, and I'm just in his face.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: He finishes dead ass after like 45 minutes, and I said, I'm leaving.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: I ain't got no car, I ain't got no money, I ain't got no way to get from what, like 80 miles to school, but I'm gonna figure it out.
27:23
SPEAKER_00: And at this point, it's late.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: He's like, You're leaving?
27:28
SPEAKER_00: Bitch, yes, I'm leaving after this.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
27:32
SPEAKER_00: I grabbed my stuff, I let him know.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: At the time I called my aunt, or I text her, maybe, and I was like, hey, I can't tell you why, because sounding alarm with that side of the family is like my dad in his house.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: Well, no, because not my brother.
27:54
SPEAKER_00: So, like my dad and my stepmom versus my mom in that house, two different people.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: You give an inkling something's wrong to my mom in that side of the house, everybody's coming immediately.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: I said it's late, it's gonna take y'all two hours to get here, and at the time, I'ma figure it out and then let you know, type of person.
28:17
SPEAKER_00: So I said, Look, Auntie, I can't tell you why, but I need like$10 to get back home.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: She's like, Aren't you at your dad's?
28:26
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'll tell you later.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: I just need a little money.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Proceed to make my way through the streets.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: I had to low key not sleep, but like chill outside of like a train station at like four in the morning to catch the train back home.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: And I remember going straight to my ex and just like crying because it's like, yeah, this is it.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: Like, I one, I'm hurt as fuck.
28:54
SPEAKER_00: But two, like, I he gonna take my brothers, like it's really over.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: And actually, that had to be 20 at some point of being 20, because somehow we made up on my 21st birthday.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: Like, he came to my house, my mom was there, my ex was there, my all of my brothers were there, like it was great.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: And 21, the age of 21, we were tight, golden.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: We were good, no problems.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: Then come sing your night.
29:36
SPEAKER_00: It's literally the day after my birthday because it's leap year, so it's like in between the game and my birthday.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: There's this day.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: It's the day after my birthday.
29:48
SPEAKER_00: And I am talking to my coach.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, coach, you know, I got a lot of family.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: And um, I know you said it's only four people who could be allowed on the court.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: Well, my mom's going, my brothers are going, my stepdad's going.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: Like all the people who deserve it, they're going on the court.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, so you know, like that's what it is.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: She's like, Yeah, that's kind of what it is.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: So I tell my dad, like, hey, I can't get anymore.
30:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, you basically can't come on the court because I'm letting my little brother on the court, my mom's son.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, he says something to the effect of like, he's not going, like I'm going, even if I have to take him off that court myself.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh, uh, oh, okay.
30:42
SPEAKER_00: So I tell my coach, I tell my mom, boy, everybody was prepared for whatever happened.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: She told security, like, he can't come in.
30:53
SPEAKER_00: My brother, my older brother, was on standby for whatever my dad was trying to do.
30:59
SPEAKER_00: My stepdad, which is my brother's father, was like, nigga, you gonna move who?
31:05
SPEAKER_00: As was my mom, as was my family.
31:09
SPEAKER_00: And how that ended was he wound up coming to the arena, but he did not come inside.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: He dropped my brothers off.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: Cool, all I needed.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: And my mom, my stepdad, all of my brothers except my older brother, because he was literally scaring the premises.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: My cousin, my aunt, my uncle, my stepsister.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: It was hella niggas on that court.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: It was way more than four.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: Like, he could have easily came on, but like you wanna be like that, so now you can't come.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: And my senior picture has like 12 people in it, and he's not in it.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: And I said, What a way to conclude.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, adult life.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, we went through a few spats, um, a few things that resulted in him now taking things out on my brothers, me having to step in and act as if I'm their guardian and they're living with me.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, everything that I did to maintain this relationship with them paid off.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: They still know me, they are 26, soon to be 26, soon to be 21, and the youngest is oh shit, is he 16?
32:31
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
32:31
SPEAKER_00: Well, 16.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: And they all know we are very close.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: They are still my world.
32:39
SPEAKER_00: I still love them to death, and they understand exactly who their father is.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: Job well done.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: I did my part, I dealt with it, and when things start to flip and he starts to act like that towards them, oh no, no, we ain't doing that.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: So now that I was an adult and things are coming up, the last conversation I had with him, he did something to my middle brother that really hurt his feelings.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: Like he said something slick to him, you know?
33:07
SPEAKER_00: And my dad liked to deny, but he said it in front of like a ring camera or something.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: So like there was proof.
33:12
SPEAKER_00: And my brother, my middle little brother, he he staying his ground.
33:17
SPEAKER_00: Like, he's gonna tell you.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: He might cuss you out too.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: Like, I love that he is so like upfront and didn't have to work through things to get to that point.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: And so he brought it to him, and I hear them on the phone.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: Mind you, this is when he put them out, middle of COVID, to come live with me in my one-bedroom apartment, and I barely got money to feed myself, but I'm gonna take care of these kids because you're out of your fucking mind.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: He's gaslighting my brother, and I see him getting very worked up and angry, and one, it triggered me because like that's what he used to do to me, but two, you can't do that to him.
33:55
SPEAKER_00: So I grabbed that phone and I cuss him out.
33:59
SPEAKER_00: I cuss him smooth out, and that was the last conversation that we had, and that was like seven years ago.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: And since then, every time I see him, he looks like he wants to speak, but knows you better not.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: There's nothing to say.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: If you aren't apologizing, if you are not owning your shit, if you are not making amends of some sort, keep whatever you got to say to yourself, because you just gonna continue to probably get cussed out.
34:33
SPEAKER_00: It's been a while.
34:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm not as volatile, I don't have as much anger at him as I did because shout out to that therapy.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he might not get cussed out, but like these boundaries, this person I am today, you gotta come correct, or don't come at all.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: And he hasn't.
34:55
SPEAKER_00: So here we are, years later, and we don't have a relationship.
35:01
SPEAKER_00: So now that y'all have the very painted picture, which I literally tried to condense, um, there are a couple of things that like still have stuck with me today, and things that I realize have impacted me deeply, and things that I still work through, and things that I protect myself against, which is why I don't have a relationship with them, because the ways in which they played out in my adulthood, it's not worth the risk of having that re-triggered.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: So that unconscious belief, not feeling like I'm good enough, that is something I'm still working through.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: And admittedly, it was not just him.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: There were a few adults in my life that made me feel that way.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: They were all doing what they thought was best, but it still turns out a certain way, which is so you can do the best you can with your kid.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: You still gonna fuck him up in some way.
36:03
SPEAKER_00: It's probably why I don't have kids now because I'm terrified to fuck him up the way he fucked me up, you know?
36:08
SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: But that is something that is still very present today.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: Um, I also had to grieve my dad.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: I had to grieve the fact that this man was not who I thought he was or who I wanted or needed him to be.
36:29
SPEAKER_00: There was one specific therapy session with my therapist who connected everything that essentially went wrong in my life somehow to him, which was crazy.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: But she's like, you're gonna have to grieve him because yes, he's still alive, but like the person that you needed, the person little you want, this imagination of him, like the who you pictured, doesn't exist, and you really have to accept that.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: And so I really had to grieve my dad while he's still alive, while he's like 15 minutes away, while he's still popping up and I'm still seeing him.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, that was very hard.
37:27
SPEAKER_00: At the same time, I still have while this is going on, family siding with him, not knowing what's happening, not knowing what this man could have done to me.
37:41
SPEAKER_00: Y'all have no idea, but you're just blindly siding with him and telling me I need to be the bigger person.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: Y'all don't see how many times I've tried to talk to him, y'all don't see the things that he does behind closed doors and how he tries to show up in front of y'all like shit is sweet.
38:01
SPEAKER_00: You just expect me to be spineless like y'all and give in to a man.
38:08
SPEAKER_00: Do y'all know who my mother is?
38:10
SPEAKER_00: No, I will not.
38:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
38:15
SPEAKER_00: I also learned, oh, and this was the hardest one.
38:20
SPEAKER_00: I was a lot like him.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: A lot like him.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: I looked, used to look a lot like him.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: I think I look like my own person now, but my mother might disagree.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: But there are a lot of ways in which he showed up and how I acted.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: A lot of good ways.
38:36
SPEAKER_00: My dad also taught me good things, which I will touch on, but like a lot of the bad parts of me, I'm like, that came from him.
38:44
SPEAKER_00: And I tried so hard not to be like him, but we are kids and we are learning, and we are just replicating and showing the things that we learned from the people who raised us.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: So, like, yeah, and I was very much so a hurt people hurt people.
39:02
SPEAKER_00: I was very much so like this has to be done the right way, or it's not done.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, and these things were showing up in like my marriage, is where I started to see it, and I'm like, I don't like that.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: So I have been working to identify, correct, and draw the connection to why I do things so I can change it.
39:25
SPEAKER_00: Cause like that's that's not who I want to be, and it's taken years, but like I have really come a long ways.
39:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, and there are just other things that have really taken me to the pits of depression because of things that he has said, and you know, I don't want to necessarily visit that because like it doesn't serve anyone to talk about those things, but the impact in which it had you know, if you're a parent, you really need to be mindful of how you talk to your kids.
40:04
SPEAKER_00: Cause wouldn't it be fucked up if your kids' life ended because of the things that you said to them and the ways in which you treated them?
40:15
SPEAKER_00: Gotta be mindful.
40:17
SPEAKER_00: So, but like I said, like my dad has some great qualities, you know.
40:27
SPEAKER_00: When he's good, he's great, he is very personable, he is very like friendly, very helpful.
40:37
SPEAKER_00: He's really family-oriented, he loves a like gathering, a celebration of like people coming together.
40:46
SPEAKER_00: And those are things that I still enjoy in my life.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, we used to really celebrate holidays.
40:53
SPEAKER_00: We're watching the holiday movies, we're decorating things in different holidays, not just Christmas, but like Halloween or like Thanksgiving.
41:01
SPEAKER_00: Like, we're really doing it.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: We're taking the Easter pictures, like it's really family oriented.
41:07
SPEAKER_00: And I love those things, you know.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: He drilled in my head this quote that used to piss me off, but it wound up being like my senior picture quote.
41:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you stay ready, you don't have to get ready, or you won't have to get ready.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: And I used to hate when he said that, like, oh my god, bitch, shut up saying that shit, because you be the least prepared nigga I know.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: But I really like stay prepared in my life.
41:34
SPEAKER_00: You will never catch me slipping.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: I got everything prepared.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm prepared for most situations to come at me.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: Natural disaster shit.
41:42
SPEAKER_00: I can do what I can, but I bet I'll figure it out.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, I still live by that.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: He taught me how to drive, he taught me how to be aware, he taught me how to protect myself, at least physically.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: And he even taught me things in his negative impact, you know.
42:02
SPEAKER_00: He taught me boundaries.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: He taught me it don't matter who you are, you could get cut off.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: It does not matter.
42:09
SPEAKER_00: Like, never let anybody disrespect you, not even your father.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: You know, like I've learned a lot from him, and I would love to be able to give him his flowers because he has impacted me in positive ways.
42:26
SPEAKER_00: There are things in which I am grateful for him for, but I can never give him that because he won't take criticism.
42:35
SPEAKER_00: And there's a laundry list of shit I need him to accept before I can give you flowers because you have torn me down.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: You have talked about me terribly.
42:46
SPEAKER_00: I can't just butter you up.
42:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, my mom and I have this conversation occasionally because she also is a person who has father daddy issues um with her father, and she has gotten to a place where she has started to build a relationship with her dad, but this came years later.
43:11
SPEAKER_00: Like when she started this, I'm not even that age where she started doing this, you know?
43:17
SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't there for her upbringing, and I think like me and my mom are obviously two different people, and where we are in our journeys are completely different.
43:29
SPEAKER_00: I really don't know if I'll ever get there.
43:32
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: I do see my heart softening as I get older.
43:37
SPEAKER_00: Because before I was like, if I have kids, you'll never know your grandkids, you will never be invited to shit.
43:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, whatever happens in life, you will not know.
43:46
SPEAKER_00: Your kids will know, they will be there, but like you will have no sort of relationship as I get older.
43:53
SPEAKER_00: That's not as hard of a stance that I'm taking, but like.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: In terms of my kid, no sir, you will not come around if we are not good.
44:07
SPEAKER_00: Because you try that shit on my kid, I'm gonna show you something.
44:12
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, you know what's crazy?
44:15
SPEAKER_00: When I was drinking, I used to have a lot of nightmares.
44:18
SPEAKER_00: A lot of nightmares, or not when I was drinking, when I just got sober, I'd have terrible nightmares.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking all the hard topics, you know, across the spectrum.
44:32
SPEAKER_00: I was having these dreams every night.
44:34
SPEAKER_00: It would wake me up in terror every single night.
44:37
SPEAKER_00: Eventually, those went away, but then they got substituted with these nightmares I would have involving my dad.
44:46
SPEAKER_00: And those would come less often than the nightmares, but like they would happen.
44:51
SPEAKER_00: If my dad was in my dream, there was always some sort of conflict, there was always something happening.
44:58
SPEAKER_00: Bad shit for years.
45:02
SPEAKER_00: And recently, like a month or so ago, I had a dream and he was so sweet and so loving.
45:14
SPEAKER_00: And in my dream, I turned back to like a four-year-old.
45:19
SPEAKER_00: Cause like that was like I feel like our peak at four when I'm 32.
45:25
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
45:26
SPEAKER_00: And I woke up and I'm like, wow, like I don't know what that means, but I got busy, and so I forgot to tell my wife.
45:39
SPEAKER_00: Because usually we wake up and tell each other right away, or like within the day.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: But a couple days have gone by and we're driving, and I was like, I forgot to tell you I had this dream.
45:49
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, That's crazy.
45:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, you never have good dreams about him.
45:54
SPEAKER_00: And then I kid you not, later in that day, I am talking to this person, and she's like, Do you have a relationship with your dad?
46:06
SPEAKER_00: And I said, No.
46:09
SPEAKER_00: She's like, You should reach out to him.
46:14
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
46:16
SPEAKER_00: That's interesting.
46:18
SPEAKER_00: And she said something to the effect of like, he wants to, like, she has a feeling he wants to, but he doesn't know how.
46:27
SPEAKER_00: And he's living with a lot of regret.
46:29
SPEAKER_00: Now I've heard this.
46:31
SPEAKER_00: I feel my mom has said the same thing to me, but this is earlier, and I'm like, no.
46:41
SPEAKER_00: I I'm not reaching out.
46:43
SPEAKER_00: But when I heard this, it's put this idea back in my head of like maybe, maybe one day I will talk to him.
46:53
SPEAKER_00: Right now ain't the time.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: Baby, the plate is full.
46:56
SPEAKER_00: It's too much going on.
46:58
SPEAKER_00: I you are on the back burner, sir.
47:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, you want a back burner or the back burner in the back room or the back house.
47:03
SPEAKER_00: Like, you are not on my recent agenda.
47:07
SPEAKER_00: But that kind of put back on my radar of like, hmm, he is older.
47:15
SPEAKER_00: He's almost 60.
47:18
SPEAKER_00: I think he's like 57.
47:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, good old.
47:23
SPEAKER_00: I know because this man is such a family man, and I know he loves me, but you got a crazy way of showing it.
47:32
SPEAKER_00: So I know it's hurting him.
47:36
SPEAKER_00: I just can't imagine not talking to my kid for years.
47:41
SPEAKER_00: So it can't be hurting you that bad.
47:45
SPEAKER_00: But who knows?
47:46
SPEAKER_00: Maybe one day I'll talk to him.
47:48
SPEAKER_00: But right now, when it comes to protecting my peace, when it comes to honoring my boundaries, and when it comes to protecting Lil' RJ, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
47:59
SPEAKER_00: But if it does, y'all will be the first to know.
48:02
SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, we all just kids, and we all just want good relationships with our parents.
48:10
SPEAKER_00: Sons want good relationships with their mom.
48:14
SPEAKER_00: Daughters want good relationships with their dads.
48:16
SPEAKER_00: And also, sons want good relationships with their dads, and daughters want good relationships with their daughters.
48:22
SPEAKER_00: Me and my mom are cool.
48:25
SPEAKER_00: Of course, I want a relationship with my dad.
48:28
SPEAKER_00: I just don't want it to cost me my self-respect or my mental health.
48:34
SPEAKER_00: So I don't let it.
48:39
SPEAKER_00: But maybe one day we'll get to a better place.
48:42
SPEAKER_00: Or not.
48:45
SPEAKER_00: This episode isn't like a redemption episode.
48:49
SPEAKER_00: There's no climax at the end where I say me and my dad are actually good.
48:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, it's still very much like in it.
48:58
SPEAKER_00: There's still a lot of daddy issues present.
49:01
SPEAKER_00: I've done a lot of work to help with those issues.
49:04
SPEAKER_00: I've done a lot of therapy to help resolve some things or at least heal through some things, but there's still a lot present.
49:14
SPEAKER_00: Um, there's a song that I shared with my wife because I didn't tell her, but X Factor by Lauren Hill, you know, everybody think of a person from the past, they ex or whatever.
49:31
SPEAKER_00: That song makes me think of my dad, and it really captures like my existence to wanting him to want me back, you know, and it's always a very difficult song, but I feel like it speaks to it so clearly that you know sometimes I can't listen to it.
50:01
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I have to listen to it.
50:03
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's just a very interesting thing.
50:05
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, X Factor, that's that one.
50:08
SPEAKER_00: Can't no, ain't no, oh child, I almost told my business.
50:14
SPEAKER_00: There has been there hasn't been a single individual from the past that I have been involved with that can make me feel more hurt and pain and just messed up than that man has.
50:34
SPEAKER_00: That's why he gets that song.
50:36
SPEAKER_00: That's why he owns that shit.
50:38
SPEAKER_00: Cause like, tell me who I have to be, because I really don't know.
50:43
SPEAKER_00: Lil RJ misses her dad, wants to call her dad, wants to go to her dad's house, wants everything to be okay.
50:52
SPEAKER_00: Big RJ can't let that happen.
50:54
SPEAKER_00: Not right now, not while things aren't resolved, because gotta keep her safe, and I gotta keep me safe.
51:02
SPEAKER_00: So as much as that's a desire for the little me, we gotta keep moving, we gotta keep healing, we gotta wait for some reconciliation, some recognition and ownership on his part.
51:18
SPEAKER_00: And we can't hold our breath until that happens, so we gotta keep pushing and keep doing the work because we can't let it swallow us up like it used to.
51:27
SPEAKER_00: We can't let it take us down and almost take us out like it used to.
51:32
SPEAKER_00: What would it take for us to get into a relationship?
51:39
SPEAKER_00: Ownership, apologizing, connecting the pieces of I did this, I see how it impacted you, so I know you get it, and I need to know that you understand what you did and admit what you did and be like, it'll never happen again.
52:00
SPEAKER_00: Then I need to see you not do it for a while.
52:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, I have to put my trust in you because all those moments in the past where we were good, I was waiting on that shooter drop.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: I was waiting.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nah, it's coming, it's coming.
52:16
SPEAKER_00: Hang tight, it's coming, and it always did.
52:20
SPEAKER_00: So it would take a lot of ownership, apologizing, and time.
52:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if we're gonna get that, but like that's what it would take.
52:29
SPEAKER_00: If all those things happened, I could see a world where we had some sort of relationship, especially as I have children and as I expand my family, as my brothers have kids, you know.
52:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's gonna be a granddaddy look like granddad.
52:46
SPEAKER_00: He looked like we give him pop up.
52:48
SPEAKER_00: So one of us needs to make him a granddad.
52:50
SPEAKER_00: So I don't know, man.
52:53
SPEAKER_00: So y'all, y'all in this situation, y'all dealing with y'all daddy issues, y'all trying to heal through the hurt, but still yearn for a person that don't exist.
53:09
SPEAKER_00: Keep doing the work.
53:11
SPEAKER_00: Don't hold your breath, don't look behind you, but don't completely close the door.
53:17
SPEAKER_00: You know, I believe redemption is always possible.
53:20
SPEAKER_00: I believe anybody can change, including him.
53:25
SPEAKER_00: And I think if we just say that a person can't change, then they can't change because we've already made that decision for them.
53:34
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I know it hurts, I know it's hard, I know it's like, why do I have to keep being the one moving this needle forward?
53:44
SPEAKER_00: But the other option is rotting, the other option is soaking, the other option is falling victim to all that hurt and pain and trauma.
53:57
SPEAKER_00: And that shit is hard to come out of if you ever do.
54:02
SPEAKER_00: I know there are things that still live in my body, chemistry, that I still need to work out.
54:08
SPEAKER_00: Like that is trauma.
54:12
SPEAKER_00: I choose to move through it because, like I said earlier, I don't blame him or any adult who was the victim of their circumstances as a child.
54:25
SPEAKER_00: But as an adult, it's your job to do the work to change those things.
54:30
SPEAKER_00: So I gotta do the work and I gotta make myself better.
54:34
SPEAKER_00: And that don't mean you don't love them.
54:36
SPEAKER_00: That don't mean you don't want what's best for them, but you know, you can still love somebody from a distance, and that can still be called and considered healing.
54:48
SPEAKER_00: You gotta do what's best for you because this shit is not easy.
54:52
SPEAKER_00: All right, well, this is normally where we do.
54:55
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love, but you know, I ain't gonna hold y'all.
55:00
SPEAKER_00: I feel a little uh emotionally spent.
55:04
SPEAKER_00: So I am going to do what's best for me, and I'm just gonna hold off till next episode where we will get back into the swing of things and read a submission.
55:17
SPEAKER_00: But until then, please submit at the tiny URL link your situation because these are good.
55:24
SPEAKER_00: I love giving advice, I really do, but like we need more, it's more episodes, and I need some juicier topics.
55:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm still thinking on that um voicemail line.
55:38
SPEAKER_00: Um again, TBD, because it's gonna be some changes here soon.
55:44
SPEAKER_00: You will see, but uh all good things.
55:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, hit the link and shout out to all the great dads because I know a lot of great fathers.
55:57
SPEAKER_00: My brother's a great father, uncles are great fathers, like I know a lot of great dads, and I don't want to just make this like a daddies ain't shit episode.
56:07
SPEAKER_00: Like, there are a lot of great dads, so shout out to y'all, and for the ones who need to get it together, get it together.
56:17
SPEAKER_00: Do you love your kids or not?
56:19
SPEAKER_00: Be there for them.
56:20
SPEAKER_00: They didn't ask to be here.
56:23
SPEAKER_00: So step the fuck up.
56:25
SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all for being with me today, hearing this story, and um just letting me be a little bit uh vulnerable with y'all on this camera and um diving into a topic that was the big one.
56:44
SPEAKER_00: So I hope y'all can take something from this, you can learn something from this, and resonate and hopefully find some healing in this story.
56:54
SPEAKER_00: But as always, I'm RJ.
56:56
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
57:02
SPEAKER_01: I'm alive, I'm gonna look like it, I'm like it, I'm gonna live like it, I'm gonna get it.
57:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna look like it.