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What Waits Beneath the Surface · Relatively Stable

0:06
SPEAKER_00: What waits beneath the surface?
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Matilda, mystery, and the art of listening.
0:17
SPEAKER_00: In my recent post about a little mare named Magic,
0:21
I mentioned a big draft horse named Matilda and noted how her
0:25
story was worthy of
0:26
SPEAKER_00: its own post.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: I always mean to write bios for the horses who shape the farm,
0:33
SPEAKER_00: but the stories of the present always demand my attention first.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: Still, some horses refuse to be forgotten.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: It's different when I'm leading a new visitor through the farm.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: On your first visit to Bramblewood Stables,
0:48
I introduce you to the herd and their stories immediately after
0:52
I've mapped out the
0:54
SPEAKER_00: hike to the bathrooms.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: We do, despite the rumors, have bathrooms.
1:01
But I'm not going to stop you from visiting an empty stall or
1:04
the woods if you need
1:05
SPEAKER_00: a quick break.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Horse people adapt.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: TMI.
1:10
I was at a horse show with few bathrooms and I slipped into an
1:14
empty horse trailer
1:15
SPEAKER_00: to relieve myself between classes.
1:18
But the custom tall boots I wore had gotten too tight as I
1:22
gained weight and the
1:24
act of trying to use the bathroom cut off the circulation in my
1:27
calves and I
1:28
SPEAKER_00: completed the rest of my classes without being able to feel my legs.
1:34
We don't do horse shows anymore at Bramblewood,
1:36
but it has nothing to do with restrooms.
1:39
However,
1:40
it has a lot to do with sorting through poo to find overlooked treasures.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: But not all treasures reveal themselves in waking life.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Some return to us in dreams, waiting to be understood.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: Nightmare
2:00
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember my dreams often,
2:03
SPEAKER_00: but when I do,
2:04
SPEAKER_00: they permeate my waking like sleep pictures I remember as sound,
2:10
SPEAKER_00: like the images or tones I hear in my body.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: I rarely dream about horses.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: When Matilda visited me this past week in a dream,
2:22
SPEAKER_00: she lived on a farm I have never encountered.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: But in the way of dreams,
2:27
SPEAKER_00: I made myself at home in the foreign landscape,
2:30
SPEAKER_00: accepting the strange as true.
2:33
There were other people in this dream,
2:35
and there were things happening around me.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: I don't recall the details,
2:41
but I know this farm existed in a wooded valley with a big dark
2:45
lake at the center
2:47
SPEAKER_00: near the barns.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: It was nighttime, but I could see clearly.
2:52
I went out to the field where Matilda stood,
2:56
and I shimmied onto her broad,
2:58
thick back.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: She took off at a trot,
3:02
and the rhythm rolled into a gallop that raced up hills and
3:06
down embankments.
3:08
Realizing I was out of control,
3:10
I panicked and searched the area for a safe place to jump off.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: But there were obstacles everywhere.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: Tree trunks, old farm equipment, fences.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Resigned to whatever would happen on this big familiar beast.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: The old origins of our word nightmare.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: I sank into the fear that gripped my legs against her sides.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: And then I sank into a sensation of excitement.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: I began to rock with her motion and I gave up control,
3:43
SPEAKER_00: letting her carry me wherever she wanted to take me.
3:47
We explored the valley at high speed until the ride culminated
3:52
in the lake where I
3:53
SPEAKER_00: braced to be dumped headfirst into the water.
3:57
But Matilda galloped into the smooth surface and I gently
4:01
floated off of her back.
4:03
I swam to shore and I noticed that she was stuck in the mud of
4:07
the lake bed and she
4:08
SPEAKER_00: couldn't get out.
4:10
I spent the rest of the dream trying to find someone with the
4:13
knowledge to help me
4:14
SPEAKER_00: retrieve her from the water.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: She was still in the water as I woke.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: Water Spirits
4:28
SPEAKER_00: The Kelpie is the most common water spirit in Scottish-Irish folklore.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: A shapeshifter,
4:35
the Kelpie commonly appears as a white or gray horse that lures
4:40
people onto their
4:41
SPEAKER_00: back and then gallops into the water,
4:44
SPEAKER_00: dunks them under,
4:45
SPEAKER_00: and tries to drown them.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: I find that cautionary tales contain some seeds of good living.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: When I nap after physically traveling long distances,
4:58
SPEAKER_00: South Carolina to Turkey,
5:00
SPEAKER_00: South Carolina to Hawaii,
5:02
SPEAKER_00: etc.,
5:03
it feels like I'm swimming up from a deep abyss as I slowly
5:07
wake from sleep.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Matilda wasn't supposed to happen in my life.
5:13
I just merged all my freelance teaching into a central facility
5:18
under my personal management.
5:20
Bramblewood Stables is the culmination of dreams and goals I
5:24
formed into being
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SPEAKER_00: through willpower and pure dumb luck.
5:30
Many students came with me to the new riding stable,
5:33
but I didn't have enough school horses.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: Riding horses suitable for the general public are few and far between,
5:41
SPEAKER_00: and the good ones are trustworthy professors.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: I was well connected in the horse trade,
5:46
but finding a herd to staff the barn on short notice was nearly impossible.
5:52
Two other farms in the area were expanding their string of
5:55
school horses at the
5:56
SPEAKER_00: same time,
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and our paths kept crossing through classified ads and the
6:01
brand new way of
6:02
SPEAKER_00: advertising horses for sale,
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SPEAKER_00: the internet.
6:07
One of my mentors told me the only thing certain when shopping
6:10
for horses was
6:11
SPEAKER_00: wearing the tread off my tires.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: This proved to be true.
6:16
I needed two more horses and a friend found a prospect she
6:19
wanted to buy with me as
6:20
SPEAKER_00: an investment to use as a school horse and then sell as a field hunter.
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Draft crosses were the rage back then because they were cheaper
6:30
than warm bloods.
6:31
This mare was advertised as a gypsy vanner thoroughbred,
6:35
and she was a baby at two years old.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: She wasn't really school horse material,
6:41
but I was still living under the delusion that there was
6:43
ethical money to be made
6:45
SPEAKER_00: training and selling project horses.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: I suck at selling because I can't lie.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: My face gives me away.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: My superpower is selling other people's visions.
6:57
I shared space in the new barn with a woman driven to form a
7:00
partnership in my work,
7:01
no matter how much I stressed to her that I needed to try this
7:04
new venture alone.
7:07
The farm itself,
7:08
Bramblewood's historic launch site,
7:11
was a place I had grown up riding.
7:14
the farm that had raised me,
7:15
and it was also the setting for a novella I wrote in college.
7:20
I didn't feel a sense of ownership as much as a belief that the
7:23
farm owned me.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: That feeling hasn't changed much, even though my location has.
7:30
I needed horses,
7:32
good ones that could be steady,
7:34
patient,
7:34
willing teachers.
7:36
I needed horses that took care of their riders and knew more
7:40
than they said.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: I didn't need a young horse with little training.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: I didn't need a Matilda.
7:48
The woman I shared farm space with went with me to test drive
7:52
the big draft mare at
7:53
SPEAKER_00: a sales barn.
7:55
A storm pounded the tin roof of a storage shed filled with
7:59
jagged tractor equipment
8:01
SPEAKER_00: as I sat bareback on Matilda,
8:03
SPEAKER_00: a pig squealing between her hooves.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: She felt like a mountain beneath me, unshakable, unreadable.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: I tested another horse,
8:15
SPEAKER_00: an Appaloosa,
8:16
SPEAKER_00: by jumping him over a pile of scrap wood heaped in the aisle of the shed.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: He was a more suitable school horse,
8:23
so I chose him instead of Matilda and made the deal and
8:27
arranged for the Appaloosa
8:28
SPEAKER_00: to be delivered.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was the end of it.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: The next day, a trailer pulled into my farm drive with two horses.
8:40
The woman who I shared farm space with had bought Matilda for
8:44
me as a gift.
8:49
Gift Horse Matilda spent her first year with me in the middle
8:55
of the ever-growing
8:56
feud between the woman I shared farm space with and my growing
9:00
need for independence.
9:03
I refused to claim the mayor because I didn't have paperwork
9:06
proving I owned her,
9:08
SPEAKER_00: and the woman insisted that Matilda was mine.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: As we hashed it out,
9:14
Matilda lived like a feral creature in the herd of retirees in
9:18
the massive back
9:19
SPEAKER_00: pasture of the farm,
9:21
a place filled with springs and gullies and landmarks featured
9:25
in folklore.
9:28
I wrote stories about the place and imagined Matilda springing
9:32
from the marshy banks,
9:34
SPEAKER_00: a kelpie formed from moss and water,
9:38
SPEAKER_00: a creature of dreams and caution,
9:41
SPEAKER_00: an unasked-for gift with a thousand strings.
9:46
All the while,
9:47
a tumor grew on Matilda's face,
9:50
hanging down and obstructing her vision.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: I refused to have it treated because she wasn't my horse.
9:57
The woman who bought her also refused to have it treated
10:01
because she claimed Matilda was mine.
10:04
The day before I packed the horses up in trailers and moved to
10:08
the new farm,
10:09
SPEAKER_00: the place that Bramblewood calls home to this day,
10:11
SPEAKER_00: a vet came and laid Matilda down in the arena.
10:16
He removed her third eyelid and as the sedation wore off,
10:21
Matilda refused to stand up.
10:23
She just laid there and stared at us with her newly unclouded
10:27
eyes and a sense that
10:29
SPEAKER_00: nothing humans intended for her really mattered much.
10:34
I remember thinking she doesn't belong to me and she doesn't
10:38
belong to anyone else either.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: Matilda was not a school horse.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: She was not what I needed.
10:47
She was a gift I never asked for given by a woman who wanted to
10:51
tie herself to my work.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: No matter how much I resisted, I refused to claim her.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: She refused to release her hold.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: The Kelpie lures its rider with a promise,
11:05
SPEAKER_00: something beautiful,
11:06
SPEAKER_00: something useful,
11:07
SPEAKER_00: something too good to resist.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: Then it carries them into deep water,
11:12
SPEAKER_00: into places they never intended to go,
11:15
SPEAKER_00: where they're drowned in mysteries.
11:18
As I pack to leave the old farm behind,
11:22
I put Matilda on the trailer and took her with me.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: Crossing the Water
11:33
I traded the strings of awkward partnership with the woman at
11:37
the old barn for the
11:39
SPEAKER_00: overreaching grasp of a perfection-driven horse trainer husband.
11:44
He got to work at the new farm riding Matilda and pressing her
11:48
fast into deep
11:50
SPEAKER_00: collected work in dressage and high leaps over fences.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: Matilda was now four years old.
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SPEAKER_00: Like big dogs, draft horses mature slowly.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: She was still growing.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: Matilda's resistance became legendary.
12:07
She simply wouldn't comply if her rider hadn't taken the time
12:11
to have a civil
12:12
SPEAKER_00: discussion with her.
12:14
Her massive size allowed her to pull away on the lead line to
12:17
go wherever she wished,
12:19
SPEAKER_00: and she once leaped the fence out of the arena,
12:22
SPEAKER_00: sideways,
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SPEAKER_00: at a full canter and deposited herself and her rider back in the barn.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: We tried to take a two-day vacation,
12:32
but Matilda came down with a mysterious virus that stumped the
12:36
vets and kept her
12:37
SPEAKER_00: sleeping for a week.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: When we took her for walks for her stall to be cleaned in between naps,
12:44
she yanked us toward draping vines of poison ivy that she
12:49
grazed with a fervor that
12:50
SPEAKER_00: told us she had found her own cure.
12:54
An adult couple learning to ride with us leased Matilda and it
12:59
became a running
13:00
joke of how Matilda would offer an unplanned dismount for the
13:03
wife whenever she
13:05
hopped on after the big wide mare scraped her off vertically on
13:10
a tree branch that
13:11
SPEAKER_00: the wife gripped and dangled from as Matilda walked away.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: That wife was Sarah Ferris.
13:19
Matilda's purpose with us was lost until Sarah did the long
13:23
work of learning to
13:24
SPEAKER_00: speak her language.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: The goal was simple.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: Make Matilda a school horse.
13:33
For all the ways she resisted,
13:35
Matilda was waiting for the right person to listen.
13:40
You can find the entire story of Sarah's relationship with
13:43
Matilda at her blog,
13:45
SPEAKER_00: The Matilda Project.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: You can also hear many Matilda stories on episode one of my podcast,
13:53
SPEAKER_00: where I sit down with Sarah and ask her questions about her journey.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: The turning point in our understanding of Matilda came at a crux in my
14:03
SPEAKER_00: understanding of myself,
14:05
SPEAKER_00: of the farm,
14:06
SPEAKER_00: and my relationship with horses.
14:09
My ex-husband moved on to bigger horse sales by taking a sudden
14:13
turn to another life,
14:15
and I was finally alone and at a juncture where I could create
14:19
a unique riding program,
14:21
SPEAKER_00: except I didn't know how that should look.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how I wanted my life to look.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: The farm lived at the mercy of me finding a safe place to land.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how the work with Matilda should commence,
14:37
SPEAKER_00: but I figured it should involve an immense amount of groundwork.
14:40
I knew it should involve us viewing the horse as a partner and
14:44
not a tool.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: Think cats, think dogs.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: I knew it should involve communication on a different level.
14:53
I knew it should involve an immense need to understand
14:56
ourselves and our direction,
14:59
SPEAKER_00: intentions,
15:00
SPEAKER_00: and desires.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: As Sarah worked through Matilda's mysteries, she took it slowly.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: She stopped to listen.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: She changed track when Matilda said no.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: Sarah,
15:13
SPEAKER_00: with Matilda by her side,
15:15
SPEAKER_00: found a better way,
15:17
and Matilda became a full-fledged member of the lesson program
15:21
through years of
15:21
SPEAKER_00: Sarah's dedication to learning her language.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: The lessons Matilda had to teach weren't about performance or obedience.
15:30
They were about patience,
15:32
presence,
15:33
and a willingness to rewrite the script.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: Sarah and Matilda discovered a different rhythm,
15:39
SPEAKER_00: and I was privileged to watch their story unfold.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: A decade after the retraining of Matilda commenced,
15:48
SPEAKER_00: the world came to a standstill with COVID,
15:52
SPEAKER_00: and Sarah and I found ourselves at a similar crossroads.
15:55
We had delved beneath the surface of natural horsemanship and
15:59
groundwork with the horses,
16:01
SPEAKER_00: but we needed to go to the next level.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: Sarah dove deep into mysterious waters with the horses,
16:08
SPEAKER_00: and I dove deep into mysterious waters with the humans.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: We came back to each other routinely and compared notes.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: What waited for us beneath the surface?
16:21
SPEAKER_00: Not to speak for Sarah or the horses,
16:24
SPEAKER_00: but what I gleaned was both of our paths led to similar answers.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: What worked for the horses worked for the humans and vice versa.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: We needed to be still and listen to what was in front of us.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: We needed to trust our guts and our inner voices.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: By getting out of familiar patterns,
16:43
SPEAKER_00: we could see more,
16:44
SPEAKER_00: connect more,
16:45
and communicate better with the horses and humans using a
16:49
whisper instead of a
16:50
SPEAKER_00: desperate scream.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: When I don't have a clue what to do next, I go big.
16:58
My entire work now is helping people find a way back into
17:02
themselves to retrieve
17:03
SPEAKER_00: the information they've lost.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: The horses are great guides in this endeavor,
17:08
SPEAKER_00: the very best,
17:10
SPEAKER_00: but they don't need to perform or do anything special.
17:13
SPEAKER_00: They just need to exist.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: The horses don't even have to be present for this magic to work.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: They show up for my online clients as heartily as they do in person.
17:25
For all the times she went big,
17:28
Matilda taught me most in her moments of stillness.
17:32
I can still feel the mountain of her beneath me as the storm
17:35
raged against the tin
17:37
SPEAKER_00: roof and a young pig squealed around her hooves.
17:42
I'm so glad she came to visit me in my dream and remind me to
17:46
let go of my constant
17:48
SPEAKER_00: need for control and how to allow the right answers to find me.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, First Horse.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: One more thing about Matilda.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: She continues to inspire people who never met her.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: Shortly after her sudden death in the fall of 2020,
18:08
SPEAKER_00: someone in prison dreamed about her,
18:11
SPEAKER_00: sketched her image in pencil on commissary paper,
18:14
SPEAKER_00: and sent it to me in the mail.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: It remains one of my most prized possessions.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: And the image that you can see at the bottom of my post for this week,
18:24
SPEAKER_00: if I have my facts straight,
18:26
SPEAKER_00: the artist,
18:27
SPEAKER_00: who became a client at the farm,
18:30
SPEAKER_00: began the painting before she met Matilda.
18:33
SPEAKER_00: And after she got to know Matilda,
18:35
SPEAKER_00: she used the piece as a template for artists in one of her classes.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Horses have pulled humans toward art since the beginning of time.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: Think of all those cave drawings.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Matilda didn't stop teaching when she left this world.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: Like the best stories,
18:55
SPEAKER_00: the ones we don't expect to shape us,
18:58
SPEAKER_00: she keeps resurfacing,
19:00
SPEAKER_00: waiting beneath the surface for those who are ready to listen.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: What will you allow Matilda to inspire in you this week?
19:11
SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Field notes.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: The right answer starts with the right question.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: And this Thursday,
19:21
Tamar Reno and I are hosting a free online workshop inspired by
19:26
her beloved first
19:27
SPEAKER_00: horse's wisdom.
19:29
SPEAKER_00: An open conversation about shifting perspective,
19:32
SPEAKER_00: deepening kinship,
19:34
SPEAKER_00: and rethinking the way we approach uncertainty.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: If this resonates with you,
19:39
you can click the show notes and it will take you to a link
19:42
that will send you to
19:44
SPEAKER_00: the form for signing up.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: And a recording will be sent out if you can't join us live.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: The Appalachians still need your help after Hurricane Helene.
19:57
The big charities and systems aren't working for people who
20:01
still need propane to
20:02
heat their temporary dwellings and housing for people who are
20:06
still displaced.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: Your $10, $20, $30 donation goes a long way.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: Please help if you can.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know where to start,
20:16
send me a message and I'll connect you with individuals who are
20:20
living in service
20:21
SPEAKER_00: to their communities today.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me here every week.
20:28
The number one thing you can do for me and for this little farm
20:32
is to read,
20:33
SPEAKER_00: listen,
20:34
SPEAKER_00: comment,
20:35
SPEAKER_00: share,
20:36
SPEAKER_00: and subscribe to my little corner of the internet.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: Let's make this world a better place together.