Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / What to do when you can't go NO CONTACT with a narcissist

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What to do when you can't go NO CONTACT with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  All right, y'all, come on in here.
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  What happens when you can't go no contact with their
• 0:05
  narcissist? When you have kids together, a
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  business together, when you work together, you work for them,
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  they work for you. What are you supposed to do?
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  You saying y'all, y'all families are close.
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  Y'all have such a big, huge, huge friendship circle.
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  All y'all mutual friends and family are connected.
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  Like what? What, what happens?
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  What are you supposed to do then?
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and that's what I'm talking about,
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  y'all? That's what I'm talking about
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  today when you can't go no contact with a narcissist.
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  I know it makes people if you knew here, I know it makes
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  people just like, wait, you're a narcissist and you're helping
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  people deal with narcissists like, well, I don't know about
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  this with Lee. It sounds like this sounds kind
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  of narcissistic, doesn't it, Lee?
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  Doesn't it? This is how this is not
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  narcissistic. Yeah.
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  I've been helping people for years through my coaching,
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  through my courses, through my support group.
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  I've helped literally, and I'm not even joking here, out
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  thousands of people, thousands heal from narcissistic abuse,
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  understand what they went through.
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  And I also talked to other narcissists as well over at
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  mentalillness.net. So I was narcissist whoever.
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  But yeah, yeah. What about when you can't go no
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  contact? Y'all know yesterday's video, it
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  was about going no contact with a narcissist, right?
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  Yesterday's video was about going no contact with a
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  narcissist, why they hate it, why it's so important for you.
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  Today's video I like I promised in that one, I make sure I put
• 1:22
  the same shirt on. So y'all know this is Part 1 and
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  Part 2. Today's video is about when you
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  can't, when you can't you have to deal with this person for
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  kids, whatever the case may be, right?
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  So I created this acronym right here.
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  Y'all you said no contact. This NO contact.
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  My acronym is on contact only necessary contact.
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  See what I did there? I flipped the NO, it's on
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  contact only necessary contact doesn't mean you always
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  contacting them doesn't mean you always talking to them.
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  No, only necessary contact because this is important.
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  No contact is probably the best way to help you heal, right?
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  But you can still heal when you have to deal with the person.
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  You can still heal when you have to talk to the person.
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  You can still heal when y'all are still in the same social
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  circles or same work circles. You can still heal.
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  It just might take a little longer because you got to deal
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  with the person, right? Especially if you have kids
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  together. You got, you probably have this,
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  unless you have a third party that's willing to do the pickups
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  and drop offs, you probably got to see this person.
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  You probably have to see this person all the time, right?
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  Pickups and drop off. You probably have to see the old
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  watermelon head asses, you know, in the parking lot of the Police
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  Department. Whatever y'all meet that, you
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  probably got to see them, right? And it could be a very
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  frustrating thing to deal with. It could be very frustrating,
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  right? So it's only necessary contact
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  when you have kids, whenever the situation is if you have to text
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  this person or e-mail this person or you have to have phone
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  calls with this person. Whatever courts have, if y'all
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  have a court order in place, whatever communication they've
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  dictated, you're only responding for that reason.
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  For whatever reason that you have to stay in contact with
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  this person, you're only responding to that reason.
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  Only that if it's the kids, you're only responding about the
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  kids, right? If it's work, you're only
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  responding about work to the work situation.
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  If it's about a business that y'all have together, you're only
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  responding to the about the business.
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  It's on contact only, necessary contact only.
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  And I said this is and Willie, they send these long ass
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  messages and they put the kids in it, but it ain't really about
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  the kids. It's really about them attacking
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  me and get good look, get good at skimming.
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  Yeah, I'm a good. Yeah.
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  What I tell y'all, I'm a master level skimmer.
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  I can skim messages and emails and stuff like that.
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  I absolutely can get good at skimming.
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  And what you can do right here when I say good, good escape me.
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  If it's if they send you a long ass paragraph or text message,
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  scroll through that. Don't don't read the whole thing
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  because a lot of it a lot of times it's going to hurt your
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  feelings what they say in right. So scroll through it really
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  quick. Just I'm looking like this,
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  looking for the kids names, looking for the job, looking for
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  the business, whatever name of whatever we have to stay in
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  contact for. I'm looking for that.
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  You know what I mean? I'm do, I'm absolutely, I am
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  absolutely looking for exactly what we have to stay in contact
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  for. That's literally what I'm doing.
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  I'm looking directly at it. I'm looking forward right that
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  way. I, it saves me the time, effort
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  and energy of rating and ciphering through all kinds of
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  BS when you're trying to hurt my feelings.
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  Get good at skimming and scanning.
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  Well, Lee, what, what, what I they, I skim and scan, but it's
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  so it's so much stuff. I'm not, I'm not a good skimmer.
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  I tend to read everything. Look, you can take it, put it in
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  a Word document or you can, if you have a computer or whatever,
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  you can copy it, send it to your computer, put on a Word document
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  and find and replace. Find the find the name of what
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  you're looking for. It highlights it for you.
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  Go right to that little word, right to that sentence, right,
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  Because, because you want to get the all the important
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  information and also get good at gauging the tone of the
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  communication, right? Get good at gauging the tone.
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  If it was a long paragraph, long e-mail, whatever it is.
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  Yeah, Literally read the first sentence and the last sentence.
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  If you can't skim, if you can't scan really good, read the first
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  sentence and the last sentence, right, Because that's how I
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  gauge tone. If the first sentence is you,
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  you a piece of BBBBB. If it's a bunch of cuss words, I
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  ain't, I'm not. Look, I already know the tone of
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  it. I'm looking for the kids names.
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  Really quick. Really quick.
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  After that or the last sentence. If the last sentences go to
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  hell, I hope you, I hope you UN alive yourself in the bathtub
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  with a toaster or whatever it is.
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  You see what I'm saying? You can gauge the tone by the
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  1st sentence and the last sentence.
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  Only necessary contact. And then you only respond to the
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  part about literally the kids, literally about the job.
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  You're not responding to anything else.
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  We're not taking the bait. Nothing else.
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  I'm not saying. Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
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  It's not a perfect science, right?
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  Sometimes it's not. It really is not a perfect
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  science because sometimes you're going to snap.
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  Sometimes you're going to catch a word or something like that
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  that sets you off and you go snap.
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  Try to keep it under control. Try to.
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  Yeah, you have to try to keep it under control because.
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  And document everything like anytime, like if they're sending
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  you voice notes and they're deleting the voice notes so you
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  can't say, look, record the voice notes.
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  Get another phone, go on Amazon and get one of those little
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  recording pins or a little tape recorder or whatever you need to
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  do. Record what they're saying.
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  Document everything because this can help you do lower contact,
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  right? If the courts, if it said text
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  messages and phone calls, whatever, then you might be
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  because they're talking to you crazy you and you got
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  documentation of it, then you might can go to an app, right?
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  And so some of these parenting apps don't don't let you send me
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  messages. It's crazy, but only necessary
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  contact is very akin to low contact, right?
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  There's there's different methods inside.
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  There's different methodologies inside of on contact, right?
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  You can do low contact where you just really just talking to
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  person very little, way less than you used to, right?
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  You can do the BIFF method, BIFF brief, informative, firm and
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  friendly. When you keep the conversations
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  briefly, the interactions brief, you keep it informative, you
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  keep it firm, straight to the point, and you keep it a
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  friendly tone. Friendly, not friends friendly.
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  Friend friendly people and friends talk differently to each
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  other. Friends like friends are like,
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  hey, how your Mama doing, how your daddy doing, how you doing,
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  how the cheeks doing, how the hair doing, whatever you doing,
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  how you doing. Friendly is like, hey, hope
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  you're doing well. Bam, drop it on them.
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  Have a nice day. You're not going to eat only
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  necessary contact. You're not going into great
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  detail. You're not friends.
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  You're friendly, right? You're friendly, not friends, so
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  only you can also use I said the jade, the jade technique.
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  You know the what is it justify jade, JADE, whatever.
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  Y'all know that if you know the jade technique, you can use that
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  that that goes into the what you call it as well.
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  That goes into on contact as well.
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  It really does like the jade technique.
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  It's just like don't justify don't argue.
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  You don't feel like you need to defend yourself and don't you?
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  You don't need to explain yourself.
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  Justify, argue, defend, explain, don't justify.
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  Don't argue, don't defend, don't explain.
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  Straight to the point. You're not going back and forth
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  y'all? You don't have to attend every
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  crazy ass argument that your narcissistic partner or ex or
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  parent to whoever whoever this is is engaging in you don't
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  inviting you to. You don't have to Also inside of
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  on contact is Gray rocking. When you become boring like a
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  rock, you stop giving them your emotional reaction.
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  You don't give them any emotional energy.
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  You're saving it for later, right?
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  You save your emotional energy. And none of these methods are
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  going to be easy out because being easy requires dealing with
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  somebody that's you something being for this to be easy, it
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  will require someone dealing with somebody that's actually
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  trying to be amicable and friendly and have, you know,
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  just trying to cooperate with you.
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  Narcissists are typically typically going to push back on
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  every form of communication that you have with them.
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  Every type of communication that you have with them.
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  They're going to push back on it.
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  So Gray rocking can help if you still have to live with the
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  person, if you're living together, or you can use yellow
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  rock. Gray is yellow rock is very like
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  Gray rocking, right? But it's you giving it a little
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  bit of emotional energy. It's warmer.
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  You know, Tina swing over at one mile battle came up with the
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  yellow rock. I think she came up with the
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  yellow rock technique was like it's it's great rocking, but
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  it's like warmer. You're giving them a little bit
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  of emotional energy. It's friendly tones, right?
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  You're talking a little warmer. You can look like that.
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  If I were to go into great detail, everyone of these, it'll
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  make it a 4050 minute video. Y'all look up all these
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  techniques I've talked about, Biff, BIFFJJADE, low contact,
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  Gray rocking and yellow rocking. You can look up all of these
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  because they can all help you heal right?
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  Also only necessary contact if if possible.
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  Sometimes you can get a third party if you have a third party
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  that's willing to be involved, like sometimes the courts,
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  sometimes it's a parent or a mutual friend or whoever it is.
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  Sometimes they're, I know some people don't want a burden a
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  third party, but it can help you, right?
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  And 3rd party sometimes understand, like I hear people
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  using their moms or their dads, whatever for pickups and drop
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  off. So you don't have to talk to
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  them at all or you have to talk to them very little.
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  When you have the kids, you don't have to see them.
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  You see, because sometimes seeing them could be a trigger.
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  You know, I think everybody was saying that y'all see well, you
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  right, seeing them could be seeing them was absolutely a
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  trigger. It was it was super tough to see
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  them and do all of this stuff right here.
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  You know, so you have to you have to kind of find that
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  balance right there when you're dealing with this person because
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  it's extremely, extremely important.
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  You know, finding the balance, finding out which one of these
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  on contact methods work for you the best because at the end of
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  the day, you're going to need them you're absolutely going to
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  need them. Y'all, I know I'm I'm picking up
• 11:12
  here. Y'all got to do a one O 1.
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  I can do a zoom call here at a second.
• 11:16
  I got to it's actually a phone call.
• 11:17
  So so I do my zoom call. You can do a phone call or you
• 11:19
  can do a zoom call. This one here's a phone call.
• 11:22
  I got to do so I mean how about this thing y'all one O 1's zoom
• 11:25
  calls everything is at mentalillness.net.
• 11:28
  My courses my support group also at are at mentalillness.net
• 11:33
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• 11:35
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• 11:41
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• 11:45
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• 11:48
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• 11:50
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• 11:51
  one of these videos on the screen to watch another video.
• 11:55
  Peace.