Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Hannibal Buress Car Accident Joke Mood Killer Rant Breakdown 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Hannibal Buress Car Accident Joke Mood Killer Rant Breakdown 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: I moved to New York a few years ago.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't well, the first time I came to New York, I didn't really move to New York.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: I just popped up in New York because my sister was living here.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: I just popped up at her place and said, Hey, what's going on?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: I have$200 in dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: Let's do this.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: I just popped in her car.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was rude as hell.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: So they kicked me out after two weeks.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was packing up, and my sister said, What are you gonna do, Hannibal?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: What are you gonna do?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: I said, Don't worry what I'm about to do.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: You just kicked me out.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's like if you shot somebody, pow, pow.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: So, well, what hospital are you going to?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: You got health insurance, you got an HMO or PPO, you should get some gallz or neosporin.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: One of those gunshots.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: So I was in New York, I had to find a job.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: I applied for a job at Starbucks.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: One of the questions was why do you want to work at Starbucks?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Because my life is in shambles.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Stuff isn't going on.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: I thought it'd be going.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: That$200 is gone.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: I remember I was just trying to crash wherever I could crash, and I was hanging out with some other comedians, and we were at this girl's place hanging out, smoking and drinking.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: Her place was so disgusting.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: It was the most disgusting place I've ever been in.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_02: And everybody bounced and she said, Hannibal, you can crash here if you want to.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: I said, nah, you know what?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna just go sleep on the train.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'll take my chance sleeping around strangers.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: I was on the train, I made eye contact with this woman, the train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car, which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my d out.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: So, great intuition, random lady on the train.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: Good call, but it's my move.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Now I got legs too.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: What's up?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm dedicated to this.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: I was waiting for the train and I fell asleep, and I woke up and it was a guy sitting two seats away from me, but he was wearing my hat.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: I woke up and said, Hey man, that's my hat.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: And he said, You gave me the hat.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Which means either I'm just really generous when I'm sleepy.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: Hey man, that's a cool ass hat, whatever.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: Leave me alone, take the hat.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Either I'm a generous when I'm sleepy or he's the boldest thief ever.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because how bold is it to steal something from somebody and then fall asleep wearing the things you stole from them two seats away.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like, whatever, I have no fears.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: Turned 29 recently, I had the worst birthday ever.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: I got into a car accident on my 29th birthday.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: It sucked.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: I was in South Carolina.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: What really sucked about it is I was in a car with three strange women, and I think I had a good shot at the one that was in the back seat with me, but once the car accident happened, that kind of threw everything off.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's kind of hard to jump back in the game after you were in the ER for 10 hours.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: You can't pop out with stitches.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: So where were we?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: I woke up, it was it sucked.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't even have that moment in the car accident when you get to say, Oh, what's happening?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: I just it just woke up, hurt.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I think as a man, when you you you say you're in a car accident, people think you were driving.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: No, I wasn't driving, other people failed me.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: I was, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: That was a mistake.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was in the back seat.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you're in the front seat, the car cares about you and annoys you into wearing your seatbelt.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: All right, woman, I'll put my seatbelt on.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: But in the back seat, the car, hey, the seatbelt's there, do what you want to do.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You wanna wanna gamble again?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: Double or nothing, your life.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: I just woke up bloody in the ambulance.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's how rappers say it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: In the ambulance.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: Shout a five-time putter, man.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: Ambalance, no, it's ambulance, man.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Stop saying it like that.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: Rappers ruined how I said ambulance for 10 years.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: I was saying, ambulance, no, it's ambulance.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: I woke up, I pulled my health insurance card out right away.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: I have health insurance, this ambulance ride shall be reasonable.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I get to the ER, I'm laying there, bloody, and I was out there doing shows with comedian Aziz.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: He comes to the ER, and some male nurse sees like, oh, it's Aziz, I'm sorry, we're in the movie, get him to the Greek and funny people.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he was in those movies, but I'm stirring in a reality show called Dude Bleeding Out of His Head right now.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I think you need to turn down your fandom and be a medical professional because I'm fading in and out.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I give my nurse, her name was Jill.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: She was country as hell.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: She could have been an extra in a Bubba Sparks video.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: That's how country she was.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: My name Jill, they call me Jill Billy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: Too country to treat me.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: You could be Southern, but don't have a thick Southern accent if you're gonna give me medical treatment.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: Can I help you with something, sir?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you can give me somebody that doesn't talk like you.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: And then you can go get me some biscuits talking like that.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: I was cursing a lot.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: I don't remember exactly what I was saying.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: I was cursing because I my head was split open.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: It was my birthday, I was drunk.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: I curse when those things aren't happening to me.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: I don't remember exactly.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: So in the shop Carolina, my head split open.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Nah! Sir, enough profanity! Hey, shut the f up, Jill Billy! I got health insurance.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'll curse as much as I want.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Sir, there are families in here.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, so my cursing is ruining their emergency room experience?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's usually such a pleasant place.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: How was your ER experience?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: When my dad got shot, the doctors and nurses were very attentive.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: The facilities were top-notch, but what ruined it was the guy in the next bed that just kept saying, mother.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: So the doctor comes in, he explains what's going on.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: Hannibal, you have uh you have a gas in your forehead, so we need about seven stitches to sew that up.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you also have a slight fracture in your skull without a hill on its own in three to four weeks.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: I said, dude, did you just tell me my face is broken?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: I said, yes, it'll heal on its own in a few weeks.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: I said, wait, why are you saying that so calmly?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: Because now you're making me feel calm about it, and that's now how I want to feel about it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: I need you to.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: My face is broken, man.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: Show some intentions.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Dude, your face is broken.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm worried.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because I got a cracked skull.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: When if I'm walking around the streets, one of my enemies find out they uppercut me, my top gets popped, my brain falls out on the street, I die like that.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: My mom will be horrified if I die like that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: Sew my skull up, man.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I got health insurance.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I didn't die.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: That was pretty cool that I didn't die.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I'm worried about dying.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not scared of death.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm scared of somebody like Cripwalking on my grave.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: Somebody can just crip walk on your grave and you can't do anything about it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: It's just ruining your legacy.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: Stop crip walking on my grave, man.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: I want to be immortal.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I think about what famous people will die before me.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: Natural causes, just who's healthier.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: I think Lil Wayne would die before me because he drinks a lot of syrup with no symptoms.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I feel like LeBron James will live longer than me.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: The dude is healthy.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: He can dunk.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: I can't dunk.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: He'll live longer than me.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Will Smith is in his 40s.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: I need Will Smith to die before me.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to die before Will Smith, because then I miss that awesome fresh Princess Ballet marathon.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: And all the great movies that'll be on TNT the week after Will Smith dies.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I don't want to miss that.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a real American, you wouldn't want to miss that either.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: Vote Will Smith dying before Hannibal.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm living in LA for the next few weeks.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: I had to rent a car for the full time, but then I had to come here to New York for two days.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: And so I went to the Avis people and said, hey, I'm renting this car.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Can I give it to y'all for two days while I go away?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: And y'all just hold the car because it's yours.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be back to get it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: And they said, no, we can't do that.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: I said, well, you should just take the car because it's your car, and I got the full insurance, so if I have to leave with it, I might just crash this out of spike.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: And they said, we can't do that.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: We might rent the car out on accident.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: Just put up a sign and say, hey, this is Hannibal's car.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: He's a cool dude.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: He'll be back to get the car in two days.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: He's still paying for it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: They said, well, if we do that for you, then we'd have to do it for everybody.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: Nah, you don't.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_02: You can just do it for me and then never speak of it again.