Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 166 - Ashley B

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 166 - Ashley B · Recovery Chronicles

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Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into the inspiring journeys of
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individuals who have triumphs over adversity and found healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from drugs and alcohol. We'll sit down with people who have embrace changed
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and emerge stronger than ever. Get ready to be uplifted, motivated, and
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empowered as we embark on a journey of healing, growth, and possibilities.
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Welcome back to the Recovery Chronicles. Today we have Ashley here to share her
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story with us. Thank you for being here today, Thank you for having
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me. So starting out, what is your drug of choice and how long
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have you been sober? My jug of choice is myth and fetamine and I've
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been sober for eleven months. Nice, So kind of take us back into
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where you're using started. I started using meth infetamine probably when I was about
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twenty years old. My ex husband's brother was cooking it in our bay and
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that was the first time I ever tried it. Did you know he was
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cooking night in your basement? Yep? Okay, So how did you get
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on board with that if you weren't using I just stayed upstairs honestly. Okay.
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So it's kind of like your husband was like, this is what it
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is, and you're gonna deal with it. Yep. Okay. So what
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was the deciding factor if you can remember in your mind that was like,
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oh, I should try this a good idea. They were all downstairs and
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I was downstairs with them, and they offered me to try it. And
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then I tried it. I smoked it out a light bulb. What went
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through your mind the first time you used it? Took me to a different
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place where I was a hut? Okay, So like mentally, physically,
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all of the above, what was the peel for you? Like, were
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you having some struggles with feelings or mental health stuff that it was like,
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this just takes it all away. I would say it was probably feelings.
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It just took those feelings I had away. So what'd you're using look like?
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After that? I used for a little bit and then I'd stopped because
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I found out its pregnant. And then I was sober for probably good seven
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years. Oh wow, Okay, what helped you stay sober? I just
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had my kids, okay, and then what happened I had been with my
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other ex my kids' dad, and he wed lived in this townhouse and he
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talked about selling out of our garage and I told him that if you bring
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that in there, we're gonna I'm gonna relapse. And that's exactly what happened.
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Was he using the whole time you were sober that seven years? No,
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this would be my other two kids' dad. Okay, going back a
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little bit, just because I'm curious. How long was brother in law cooking
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in your basement for like a month? If that? Okay? Yeah,
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so I'm assuming the kid's dad started selling out of the garage and that's how
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you relapse. Okay, So daily use I started using daily My ex quit
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and wanted me to quit, and I told them I quit. And so
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after that I became a closet user. Okay for how long? Probably for
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a good six seven months okay? And then what and then I left my
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kids's dad and I started over with nothing with my three kids. And then
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I was working at a hotel and we had found some stuff underneath the hotel
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and from there it started selling and it just continued to continue to how much
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stuff did you find that you started selling? Like two big zip bloop bigs.
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Holly, someone just forgot that, no way, Yep, you don't
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think they left it on purpose? Yikes. No one ever came after you
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for that. No, I guess how would they know? That's probably not
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some a new report to the cops. Okay, so you started selling using
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What are some of the like crazy things that happened along the way. Some
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crazy things that have happened is I've been rated by task Force once or more
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than once, just once, okay, But that it wasn't because for me
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or anything, but it was because of the people I was hanging out with.
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And then I've also been hit by parole improbation. Woke up to them
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in my kitchen. How'd you get on parole and probation? I got on
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paro. I got on par or probation because I had been somebody had tried
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to suicide in my bathroom. And from there I left my apartment after my
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maintenance people showed up and then police showed up at my apartment because the water
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damage it went downstairs, oh jeez. And so from there I went to
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Mandan because I wanted to get in my apartment, and from there I was
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supposed to meet a friend, and they followed us over by l Rancho and
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he sped off from the cops because the cops were following him. So they
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turned around and pulled up behind me. And here I had a rig in
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my car and I tried to say it wasn't mine. And sure, so
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you got possession of paraphernaliaya, okay, okay, so par and probation show
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up in your kitchen? What else? I mean, having someone try and
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kill themselves in your bathroom is right? And even after that, two days
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later I woke up to a phone call finding out that he had killed himself
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at his other friend's house. Oh really, Oh no, that's sad.
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Yep. Other stories, just the insanity of the using the insanity. I
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mean, I've turned my apartments into traphouses. I've had people, so many
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people living in my apartment where I had people sleeping on my kitchen floor unerneath
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my kitchen table. Were your kids there during these times? Yep? Okay?
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How old are your children? They are ten, nine and seven.
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Okay, So what was the breaking point? The breaking point? Well,
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as first I thought, my breaking point was when I lost my kids my
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other ex he had went and told my kids his dad that I was selling
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myself for fetol and so here you no, okay, So he called CPS,
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and CPS showed up, and it just so happened that my kids' grandparents
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asked if they could come stay with them to do swimming lessons, and I
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said, yeah, that was fine, and I told CPS that and she
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told me, well, just because they're over there doesn't mean I'm gonna go
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away. And so a couple days later, I didn't check in with her,
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and I got ahold of my mom and she told me that CPS said
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I wasn't allowed to see or talked to my kids. Wow, And so
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I thought that was maybe my breaking point, but it wasn't. Okay.
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So you said you were sober for seven years and then had a round of
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using like six or seven months. You said, is that when your children
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got removed or my children didn't get removed until like another two years after okay,
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So you had a run of a few years. Okay, So your
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children get removed from your care, and then what I'm gotten a trailer with
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my ex and from there it turned into a really toxic relationship and so I
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kind of isolated myself. I ended up getting hit in the head and had
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to get the stables in my head. And so there I decided to leave.
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And I had that just that mental thing where like I could keep going
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back every time something happened to the relationship. Okay, how long of a
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span of time was that going on for? Probably see probably get six or
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seven months, okay, And then what and I continued to isolate. It
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got to the point where I moved again and there was a straight order placed.
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And then after that, when I moved into a different place, he
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moved in again. But then he left and then he showed back up again
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right before Thanksgiving, and we got into a big argument and he had me
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me in my face and hit me with a belt, And it got to
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the point where he left again, and then he came back and then threatened
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to kill me and broke out my window with an axe. And did you
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ever report him? Yep? Okay, after this one time or every time
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I reported him twice? What do you think was the appeal of the relationship?
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Or like, why did you keep because he always kept saying he was
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sorry, Sure you believed him, Okay, to what was the breaking point
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in that relationship? Or so I must. I'm I would guess that the
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using and the relationship kind of went hand in hand. I'm assuming you were
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using together. So at what point were you like, I can't do this
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anymore. I left that relationship and then I ended up at a friend's house
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for a good couple months. In between that time span, I watched one
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of my really good friends his life just deteriorated due to drugs and alcohol,
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and one day we got a phone call that he was being taken to the
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hospital and ambulance, and from there we found out he didn't make it.
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And so after that we had a really hard time. And then shortly after
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that, you best friend yeap o, me and her his sister okay,
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and so we're really close now to the male who passed away. His sister
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okay got it. Shortly after that, it was a couple months later I
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got a phone call saying somebody I had no one had committed suicide. And
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then it was thirty minutes later I got another phone call and somebody else had
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committed suicide too. Cheese and at that lot, yeah, at that point
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I just said enough was enough and I had I went to my daughter's birthday
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and I promised I was gonna come back, and I didn't come back.
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So I had a lot of guilt for that. M hm. So I
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decided that that was one Enough was enough? So what did you do?
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I called Hart for you? Okay, how long until you were able to
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get in? I think it was only like five days, okay, m
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and you like from Ebel or I called and then they told me to call
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back, and then I called back or wait for them to call me back
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for like two days, and then I called them back again and then they
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said that they had a bed open. Okay, so residence. So you
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when you initially called in it was for residential treatment, yeah, okay,
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not just like an Ebel Okay, so within five days we're using that whole
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five days leading up to it, yep. How hard was it for you
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to answer the phone and go in? It wasn't really hard for me to
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answer the phone. They told me that if I couldn't have a ride,
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to call them and they would come get me. And I think at that
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point I had second guessed if I was going to go, but I knew
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I needed to go because of my kids, and I didn't want to live
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that live like that anymore. So when you entered treatment, how long had
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you not had a custody of your kids for? Probably a year? Okay?
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So you go to treatment and what happens in treatment? I had made
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some goals when I was in treatment. Those goals were to get a card,
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get my kids back, to get a place, and then to get
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a job at Harview. Okay, So you complete treatment and go where How
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did you accomplish those goals? Did you accomplish those goals? So from there
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I decided to go to sober living, and so I got into sober living.
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I became an assistant house manager at sober Living. Wow. And I
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only intended to stay for like a couple months, and I ended up staying
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for like nine months. Wow? Good? Yeah? How did you become
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the assistant manager? Like? How long were you there before that happened.
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I was probably there for a couple months, I think, Okay, which
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isn't that long of a amount of time to have that much responsibility, especially
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when you're newly sober. Was that stressful? No? No, because I
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was already doing what I was supposed to be doing. Sure, so it's
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just kind of like continuing to do. Okay, So your goals were to
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have a car, get your kids back, a place to live, and
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work at Heartview. Okay, so how many of those have you achieved?
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I've achieved all of them except for getting my own place. Nice to kind
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of walk us through when you accomplish those goals and how you managed to accomplish
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them, Like, what what did you have to do to So when I
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first got out of treatment and started in sober living, I had gotten a
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different job and from there I didn't have a car and I didn't have my
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license, so I had to get my license first, but it took me.
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I stopped to ride the bus back and forth between up North into the
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sober house, and that would take like two hours. Let's go to outpatient
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treatment. And so I continued to do that, and then I got my
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license, and the sober living I lived in offers house cars. Okay,
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So then once I got my license, I was able to use a house
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car. That's cool. I didn't have to use a bus anymore. And
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then when I was just about done with outpatient treatment is when I found out
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Hartview had a spot opening, and so I applied. When I was doing
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an art class, and I did that and then shortly after that, I
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think it was I got in a car, and I think it was like
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two days after I got in a car, my CPS caseworker called and asked
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me to come in, and so I went in. She was like,
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I just want to let you know that I'm closing your case and you have
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your kids. How did that feel good? Yeah? Like, what were
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the thoughts going through your head? I was kind of surprised because I didn't
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think it was gonna be that quick. I thought would be a little bit
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longer because I was just taking baby steps to get them back. M hm.
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So, but she said, I'd been doing really good. Nice.
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Sometimes those baby steps result in something a lot bigger, you know. And
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I think when we take baby steps, we don't realize that we're moving closer
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to the end goal, and then, you know, kind of like that
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case, all of a sudden, here it is. So you're still in
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sober living. No, I moved out of sober living and I live with
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my sister right now. Okay, and your kids, yep? Does she
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have children? Yep? How many kids does she have? She's got four.
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Wow, there's a lot of children in one house, right. My
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mom and my sister actually live right next door to each other, so sometimes
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the kids are over there, so like we all kind of take turns and
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it kind of helps. Cool. And you got a vehicle and you're no
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longer in sober living and you are working at hartviewd yup. What are you
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doing at Heartfield? I work as a residential tech. Okay, why do
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you feel like that was one of the big goals that you had because one
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of the h when I was in hertvey, one of the residential techs was
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able to like really talk to me and help me. M And I feel
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like with me and my using, I always had this thing of where I
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always wanted to help people, and with working with my sponsor, I was
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able to figure out, you know, I h like to help people,
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but sometimes it that was in a negative way, and now I can help
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people in a positive way. Cool. So, speaking of a sponsor,
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do you attend meetings? Do you have a sponsor? I have a sponsor.
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I try to meet with my sponsor whenever it's possible, but between her
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schedule and my schedule, it's a little hard. M. I do attend
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meetings. I also s me and a couple other people started in any meeting.
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Oh cool, Yeah, called chain breakers? You started that? Yep.
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Wow, Yeah, it's a massive me and somebody else did. What
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did you call it? Chain breakers? He came up with the name.
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Okay, okay, you could have taken credit. So that's pretty big,
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I think, especially for the community. Like it sounds like you're giving back
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a lot to the recovery community. Did you have employments before? Yeah,
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I kind of worked in housekeeping for like ten plus years. Okay, yeah,
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you did kind of talk about that. So what kind of change is
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it from going from housekeeping to working with people with substance use disorders? And
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it's different, But I like it because I'm able because I kind of have
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a background of where they're coming from, so I'm able to relate to how
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they feel and what they're going through for sure. Also sounds like you maybe
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have a little bit of a history of getting into toxic relationships. How are
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you doing with all that good they have this? Yeah, when we first
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get into the program, we're recommended not to get into a relationship for the
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first year, and so I've been pretty good about that. Okay, pretty
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good. Yeah, I haven't gotten into a relationship that's been toxic or anything
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like that. Okay, what do you think will be like some of your
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red flags if you are in a relationship, you know, because sometimes if
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we not saying you're not working on those things. I guess that's a good
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question. What are you working on to prevent that from happening? I definitely
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watch how I'm treated, sure, like being to, how I get talked
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to, and h like not being controlled. And yeah, I mean do
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you think sobriety will help some of that too, yep. And I don't
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want to put myself in a position where somebody else is in souber either,
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for sure. Yeah, I forgot what I was gonna How would you know,
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like if a relationship is toxic just based on how they treat me and
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how they act and how they talk to kind of like what you said.
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Okay, so you're just avoiding that at this time. Yeah, I'm assuming
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you don't have much time for that anyway, now a whole lot. So
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what are some activities you really like doing with your children lately? We like
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to go to the river and go fishing. Oh, my nieces get into
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that. We also go to church. Oh good. A lot of the
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stuff that I did with my kids. My nieces have been really into going
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to church. They've never been to church before. Now they love going.
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They like to go every Sunday with me. Love that. What are some
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of the obstacles do you feel like you've faced in being a sober parent?
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Some obstacles I face with being a sober parents. Sometimes my oldest she likes
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to throw, you know, some negative things at memm from when I was
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using, and so that's kind of been a bigger struggle. How do you
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handle that? I just try to say that I'm here now, and I
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try. I have to accept what I did to her. Write because you
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said she's thirteen, she's ten ten. Okay, so she was not super
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young. No during your using. No, and she's she's witnessed it all
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and she's been around. Sure. Are they in therapy? You have children?
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Okay? Do you feel like that's helpful? Yep? How so it
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helps him cope with their feelings? Okay? Are you in therapy? I
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wasn't therapy, but I'm not in therapy anymore. Okay, like you successfully
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completed m Okay, that's good. What are some of the things you worked
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on while you were in therapy? I did some trauma therapy like amdr.
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Okay, regarding like your childhood or Marcel relationships, the relationship stuff. Yeah.
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Absolutely. How do you feel like that's helped with your sobriety. It's
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helped a lot. I don't have a whole lot anxiety anymore. Okay anything?
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Oh, kind of have to live in the past. Sure, Hm,
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that's good. What are some obstacles that you have faced or struggles you've
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faced with sobriety and how did you overcome them? Some struggles I overface,
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you overcame. Yeah. I think when I got out of sober living,
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I kind of struggled with like I don't know how I was gonna be able
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to be able to attend meetings. Mm. I was really worried about that
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and how to have my kids and and so I tried not to future trip
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over it. Instead, I just kind of let it play itself out.
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And so I've done that and it seems to work out pretty good. So
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kind of that like balancing your time between your kids and work and your recovery.
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Right, why do you think meetings are important? Meetings are really important
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because you're able to go and talk about what's on your mind. You don't
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have to hold it in and keep it in. You have that fellowship in
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those meetings and a lot of the times, like if something's bothering me,
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I'll go to a meeting, and like I'll hear what I need to hear
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inside of a meeting, and you go on a regular basis. Yep.
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When I went to treatment, I heard about doing the ninety meetings and ninety
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days, and so I did that. I probably did more than that.
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But with work, I'm able to go to meetings, so I still attend
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meetings whenever I can. Good. Yeah, on average, how often do
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you feel like you go? I probably go fortys a week, Okay,
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probably. Do you think what do you think would be a good amount to
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attend for someone who's in recovery. I can't really say that because it just
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depends on what works for you. Sure, probably at least once. Okay.
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Why is the sponsor important? Sponsor is important because you have somebody you
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can go and talk to that you can tell anything to and they can give
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you advice and help you go through the book. Have you had your sponsor
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the whole eleven months of your sobriety or how long have you had your sponsor.
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I switched to my I had one sponsor before her, but otherwise I've
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pretty much had my sponsor for the majority of my So they've really been on
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the journey with you. Yeah, so they probably understand, right. And
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the sponsor I have, actually I knew because I used to use with her.
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Oh I used to live with me. Okay, interesting, how does
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that work out? It's me and her. Actually we didn't get along towards
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the end because she actually showed up and punched me in my face, oh,
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in front of my kids, and so like, we just didn't get
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along after that. And then when I got sober, seen her in the
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rooms, and then she made her amends and like, yeah, cool,
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how long has she been sober? She's been sober for two years, I
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think. Okay, so she got clean before you die. Yep, did
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you know that? Yep? Okay, that's interesting. So she's kind of
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been on your using journey as long as as well as your sobriety journey.
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So that is I'm sure helpful. So you feel like you can tell her
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anything, yep. Okay, that's good. So for anyone out there who
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might be struggling with their sobriety, What would you say? What would you
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tell them? I would tell them to take a chance and recovery being sober,
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because that lifestyle only ends in tow weighs, gels, and death.
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Yeah for sure. Well, thank you for visiting with us today. YEP School