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Master The Skill of Self Validation · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:16
Speaker 1: My name is Alexis Fernandez. This is Do You Fucking Mind?
0:19
Speaker 1: And today we are going to be talking about how
0:21
Speaker 1: to master the art of self-validation. I'm going to be
0:25
Speaker 1: breaking down exactly what is validation and why is it
0:31
Speaker 1: that You know, we seek it so often from outside
0:34
Speaker 1: of ourselves. What is the difference between self-validation and external validation?
0:38
Speaker 1: I'm also going to be talking about where there is
0:40
Speaker 1: healthy external validation and why that actually is necessary. And
0:44
Speaker 1: it's not just some weird compulsion that we have as humans,
0:47
Speaker 1: but there's a reason for it. And then what's the
0:50
Speaker 1: more unhealthy way and how to kind of get rid
0:52
Speaker 1: of the unhealthy, keep the healthy, and how we can
0:54
Speaker 1: provide a lot of that validation for ourselves. I'm going
0:57
Speaker 1: to be talking about all of that. I think I've
0:58
Speaker 1: got eight points. I normally go over the points. I miscalculate,
1:02
Speaker 1: but I think it's eight that I have written down.
1:05
Speaker 1: So by the end of this episode, you will feel
1:08
Speaker 1: that you have already quite a few tools already at
1:12
Speaker 1: your disposal that you can start putting into practice to
1:15
Speaker 1: really change how you feel about feeling worthy and validated
1:19
Speaker 1: and good enough in all areas of your life. Okay.
1:23
Speaker 1: So if that's not tempting enough, then fucking turn this
1:26
Speaker 1: thing off and goodbye. Otherwise, stay listening. Now, quick little
1:30
Speaker 1: life update before we get into it is that tonight
1:33
Speaker 1: I'm going to see Practical Magic 2. I literally have
1:37
Speaker 1: only watched Practical Magic once back in the day. So
1:42
Speaker 1: I kind of regret that I didn't rewatch it in
1:45
Speaker 1: the lead up, but I mean... I'm very excited. So
1:48
Speaker 1: stay tuned for my review on Practical Magic. And then
1:52
Speaker 1: apart from that, my house is upside down. My quest
1:55
Speaker 1: to become the most... I feel like I need to
1:57
Speaker 1: do a series on Instagram, but my quest to become
1:59
Speaker 1: the most organized version of myself has... caused my house
2:04
Speaker 1: to be in complete disarray because I am doing a
2:08
Speaker 1: full restructure of where things are. I'm moving the kids'
2:10
Speaker 1: room from one room to another room. I've gotten my office,
2:13
Speaker 1: I've moved a whole bunch of my office shit to
2:15
Speaker 1: an external office, and now there is shit everywhere. And
2:19
Speaker 1: when that happens, it inspires me to want to get
2:23
Speaker 1: rid of 90% of my possessions, which I then regret
2:26
Speaker 1: because most of my possessions I would actually need, and
2:29
Speaker 1: I'm not really that much of a hoarder at heart.
2:33
Speaker 1: but I just hate having too much stuff. I really
2:35
Speaker 1: don't like it. And you just accumulate and accumulate and accumulate.
2:38
Speaker 1: Like not that long ago, I want to say like
2:40
Speaker 1: maybe even just six years ago, I used to be
2:42
Speaker 1: able to put all my possessions into suitcases and now
2:45
Speaker 1: it's a shit show. So I feel like, you know
2:49
Speaker 1: how they say, you know, you take two steps forward,
2:51
Speaker 1: you go one step back. I've taken two steps forward
2:53
Speaker 1: as far as getting organized. And now I've taken five
2:55
Speaker 1: steps back. If you were to see the state of
2:58
Speaker 1: my home at the moment, I mean, I RIP to
3:01
Speaker 1: Tyrone when he gets home, because I, started this whole project.
3:04
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to go
3:05
Speaker 1: to the office and record an episode. So he's going
3:07
Speaker 1: to arrive to a surprise, a lovely surprise of shit everywhere.
3:12
Speaker 1: I've created a pile for him to take, you know,
3:14
Speaker 1: to charity and then to storage. And this is going
3:16
Speaker 1: to love it. He's going to absolutely fucking be thrilled. Anyway,
3:20
Speaker 1: recommendation for you guys, I would say the Do You
3:23
Speaker 1: Fucking Mind card game is the fucking recommendation for you.
3:26
Speaker 1: So if you haven't yet played it, buy it and
3:29
Speaker 1: play it. Or Find a friend who already owns it
3:32
Speaker 1: and play it. I've had actually a few people order
3:34
Speaker 1: the card game as of late. So I'm going to
3:37
Speaker 1: remind you guys of it relatively often so you keep
3:40
Speaker 1: buying it because it's a great way to get to know.
3:42
Speaker 1: It's not even just a romantic pun. It's to get
3:44
Speaker 1: to know your friends. You can play this with your
3:46
Speaker 1: siblings and be like, wow, I actually didn't know that
3:48
Speaker 1: about you or I didn't know that you went through
3:49
Speaker 1: that or I didn't know that you were feeling that.
3:51
Speaker 1: It's just a really, really good way to get to
3:54
Speaker 1: know someone on a deeper level and you can play
3:55
Speaker 1: it more than just once, which is cool. Okay. Now,
4:00
Speaker 1: let's talk about the actual topic of today's episode, which
4:04
Speaker 1: is all about mastering the skill or the art or
4:07
Speaker 1: the psychology or whatever you want to call it of self-validation. Now,
4:11
Speaker 1: the first thing that I want to talk about is
4:14
Speaker 1: what exactly is validation for? So the point of validation
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Speaker 1: is to feel valid. It's to feel worthy, to feel
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Speaker 1: good enough. And the reason we seek it is for
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Speaker 1: a sense of security. That is all. That is why
4:30
Speaker 1: we seek it. We need to feel secure. We need
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Speaker 1: to feel that we are safe. Okay. Now, this is
4:37
Speaker 1: why there is that difference between the healthy external validation
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Speaker 1: and unhealthy external validation, because it is in our nature
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Speaker 1: to need a healthy community. I think that to say
4:50
Speaker 1: that you don't seek any form of validation whatsoever from
4:54
Speaker 1: other people would probably mean that you're genuinely someone that
4:57
Speaker 1: prefers to be a recluse. Like you just don't really
4:59
Speaker 1: want to have any relationship. And I'm sure there might
5:02
Speaker 1: be some people out there, and that's not a good
5:04
Speaker 1: or a bad thing as long as you're happy. But
5:07
Speaker 1: there would be very few people that enjoy relationships, friends,
5:11
Speaker 1: a partner, having a family, and would say that they
5:14
Speaker 1: do not care at all about external validation. It's the
5:18
Speaker 1: kind that you care about that makes a difference to
5:20
Speaker 1: your mental health, okay? So because it's important for us
5:23
Speaker 1: to have community, it's actually part of our survival. It
5:26
Speaker 1: is inbuilt in us to care about being rejected. Because
5:30
Speaker 1: if we get rejected, we know that that is a danger.
5:34
Speaker 1: It is a threat to be outed or rejected or
5:36
Speaker 1: cast aside. And then we need to do whatever means
5:40
Speaker 1: necessary to repair that to be accepted again. Because if
5:44
Speaker 1: you go back, back, back in time, that would equal
5:48
Speaker 1: you know, potentially life-threatening situation for you if you're pushed
5:51
Speaker 1: out of your community. So that's kind of one of
5:55
Speaker 1: the key things where it stands from. But even in
5:57
Speaker 1: today's day and age, even if we take away, oh,
5:59
Speaker 1: the primitive human and all that shit, even if you
6:01
Speaker 1: look at today, it still kind of rings true because, okay,
6:04
Speaker 1: you might not be alone in the wilderness and attacked, whatever,
6:08
Speaker 1: but mental health-wise, it's still very much true. One of
6:12
Speaker 1: the biggest pillars of mental health is community, a healthy
6:16
Speaker 1: sense of community. And minus the few exceptions, like I
6:20
Speaker 1: mentioned earlier at the start of this episode, and I'm
6:22
Speaker 1: not going to reference those again. If that's you, then
6:24
Speaker 1: you really don't need to be listening to this episode,
6:25
Speaker 1: so it's irrelevant. But it is a huge component of
6:29
Speaker 1: our mental health. When we, if you look at all
6:32
Speaker 1: the data, all the statistics, most of the time when
6:35
Speaker 1: people suffer from mental health problems, not always, but most
6:39
Speaker 1: of the time, it has to do with a lack
6:43
Speaker 1: of true genuine connection, a lack of feeling understood, feeling seen,
6:47
Speaker 1: being supported, also feeling useful as well. One of the
6:51
Speaker 1: best therapies for people that are really struggling with self-esteem, anxiety,
6:55
Speaker 1: and depression is to get them to do something to
6:58
Speaker 1: help someone else. And that is actually one of the
7:01
Speaker 1: things that really starts to turn things around for people
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Speaker 1: when they start to help someone else because they feel valuable.
7:06
Speaker 1: They feel valid and validated through their actions by helping another. Okay.
7:12
Speaker 1: So the idea of external validation being a bad thing,
7:16
Speaker 1: I think is wrong. It's the kind of external validation
7:18
Speaker 1: that we look for. I would like you to care
7:21
Speaker 1: about the healthy kind of external validation because it not
7:25
Speaker 1: only makes you feel more useful in life and more valid,
7:28
Speaker 1: quote unquote, um, But it also really strengthens your relationships.
7:33
Speaker 1: So it is important to care about this kind of stuff.
7:35
Speaker 1: And I want you to really care about this, you know,
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Speaker 1: community style of external validation where people that you value,
7:44
Speaker 1: value you back, where you can care for someone, where
7:47
Speaker 1: people that really know you and understand you like you.
7:50
Speaker 1: That's important to care about. And it's also a really
7:52
Speaker 1: good survival skill in the sense that if I'm carrying
7:54
Speaker 1: on like a fuckwit, right? And then someone turns around
7:58
Speaker 1: and sends something to me being like, if you carry
8:00
Speaker 1: on with that behavior, people aren't going to want to
8:01
Speaker 1: hang out with you. If you keep cutting people off
8:03
Speaker 1: and never letting people talk, or if every time you
8:06
Speaker 1: see your friends, you keep insulting their appearance or their
8:09
Speaker 1: perfume or their choice of whatever, people are just not
8:12
Speaker 1: going to want to hang around you. And if I
8:14
Speaker 1: care about community, I'd be like, oh, shit, okay, maybe
8:18
Speaker 1: I need to fucking check myself and do something about it, okay?
8:21
Speaker 1: So that's kind of what I want to be talking about,
8:23
Speaker 1: a little bit of why validation exists in the first place. Now,
8:27
Speaker 1: there's many different ways that we can seek validation. Socially,
8:31
Speaker 1: you know, for attention of the others, of, you know,
8:35
Speaker 1: the romantic interest of ours, you know, like, you know,
8:38
Speaker 1: male acceptance and all that shit. But another place where
8:42
Speaker 1: a lot of people attach their where they feel validated
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Speaker 1: and their sense of worth is in just one major
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Speaker 1: pillar of their life and they see it as part
8:52
Speaker 1: of their identity whether it is or isn't is irrelevant
8:54
Speaker 1: they just see it as part of their identity so
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Speaker 1: for example you might put all your eggs in one
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Speaker 1: basket and be like I am a mum, I am
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Speaker 1: a mum and this is where I get my validation
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Speaker 1: from and this is, or I am an athlete or
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Speaker 1: I am an academic or whatever it is that you
9:09
Speaker 1: do where you put all your fucking eggs in one
9:11
Speaker 1: basket and you turn it into your identity in the
9:15
Speaker 1: sense that if it was threatened, you would cease to
9:17
Speaker 1: exist as you know it, like you would have an
9:19
Speaker 1: existential crisis. And it happens sometimes when athletes do retire
9:23
Speaker 1: from Sometimes they fall into a bit of a depression
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Speaker 1: because they don't know who they are and they need
9:28
Speaker 1: to find this new purpose to pull themselves out of it.
9:31
Speaker 1: Or for example, the example of the mum, if you
9:34
Speaker 1: were like, this is my identity, this is me, and
9:37
Speaker 1: someone were to challenge your parenting style, you might take
9:39
Speaker 1: that as a personal attack. You might take it as
9:41
Speaker 1: some horrible thing that someone said to you instead of
9:44
Speaker 1: being like, well, we disagree. It's fine. I don't, you know,
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Speaker 1: how I parent is how I choose to parent and
9:49
Speaker 1: how you parent, that's your prerogative. Okay. So that's why
9:52
Speaker 1: a lot of people who are attached too much of
9:54
Speaker 1: their sense of self to one aspect and they say,
9:56
Speaker 1: this is who I am, this is my identity, can
9:58
Speaker 1: get really hurt really easily. I spoke about this like
10:01
Speaker 1: two episodes ago when I was talking about attachment. So
10:13
Speaker 1: how can you really take control of this situation? How
10:16
Speaker 1: can you grab life by the ball sack? and say,
10:19
Speaker 1: I'm going to be the one that can ultimately validate myself. Yes,
10:22
Speaker 1: external validation, the healthy kind with your community is important,
10:25
Speaker 1: but how do I provide it for myself? Because when
10:27
Speaker 1: you can truly provide it for yourself, your confidence goes up,
10:31
Speaker 1: feeling comfortable in your own skin goes up, but then
10:33
Speaker 1: your relationships improve massively when you feel validated by who
10:38
Speaker 1: you are, because who you show up as is different.
10:41
Speaker 1: You're willing to take healthy calculated risks more. You're going
10:44
Speaker 1: to put yourself out there more often, and you're more
10:46
Speaker 1: likely to really... like see something through. You're going to
10:50
Speaker 1: see something out more. You're going to, you know, put
10:54
Speaker 1: in the effort even when things get hard. you're more
10:57
Speaker 1: likely to take action on those things. And this all
11:00
Speaker 1: comes down to being able to validate yourself, being able
11:03
Speaker 1: to say who I am as I've built myself up
11:08
Speaker 1: as this individual, I'm happy with, I like this and
11:12
Speaker 1: it's okay if other people don't like me. And it's
11:15
Speaker 1: also okay to feel a little bit upset when other
11:18
Speaker 1: people don't like me, but it's not going to negatively
11:20
Speaker 1: impact how I feel about myself. That's what it comes
11:23
Speaker 1: down to. It's not saying I don't give a fuck
11:24
Speaker 1: what anyone thinks about me, It's okay to care, but
11:28
Speaker 1: what do you do with when you care? Does it
11:31
Speaker 1: make you crumble and act really small? Or does it
11:34
Speaker 1: make you be like, yeah, you know what? It's kind
11:35
Speaker 1: of natural to care. And then you move through it
11:37
Speaker 1: and you move on. Okay. So let's go into my
11:40
Speaker 1: eight ways. Number one is self-consistency. What you see is
11:44
Speaker 1: what you get. Stop showing up as a completely different
11:47
Speaker 1: version of yourself to please the individual that you are
11:50
Speaker 1: dealing with at the time. And this is something that
11:53
Speaker 1: so many of us do all the time. And it's
11:55
Speaker 1: something that I feel like I've gotten way, way, way,
11:58
Speaker 1: way better at as well. But the people that are
12:00
Speaker 1: really comfortable in their own skin, and I'm sure we
12:03
Speaker 1: can all find at least one example in our life
12:05
Speaker 1: of that person who just knows themself and is so
12:08
Speaker 1: comfortable in their own skin that they are who they are,
12:11
Speaker 1: no matter who they are around. Now, it's not to
12:14
Speaker 1: say that they can't edit certain aspects of their personality
12:17
Speaker 1: to say you're I don't know, in a really formal setting.
12:21
Speaker 1: Of course, you're going to match that energy of being
12:24
Speaker 1: formal versus in a really casual setting. But who you
12:28
Speaker 1: are as a person doesn't change. Like you're not going
12:30
Speaker 1: to pretend to be extroverted when you're actually just an introvert.
12:33
Speaker 1: You're not going to pretend to suck up someone's ass
12:35
Speaker 1: when you just actually don't care. You're not going to
12:36
Speaker 1: pretend to care about something or believe in that thing
12:39
Speaker 1: if that's just not who you are. So the essence
12:41
Speaker 1: of you is That self-consistency is one of the key
12:45
Speaker 1: things that makes you start realizing that you are actually
12:48
Speaker 1: good enough as who you've built up to be, that
12:51
Speaker 1: you can validate yourself. You can still work on improving yourself.
12:55
Speaker 1: You can take feedback and you can take that on.
12:57
Speaker 1: But it's saying, I am a valid individual. I'm worthy
13:01
Speaker 1: of good relationships, good opportunities, good everything. Okay. So I
13:07
Speaker 1: want you to get clear on really who you are.
13:09
Speaker 1: And the best indicator of this, because if you're like,
13:11
Speaker 1: but who I am, who am I? Am I this
13:13
Speaker 1: version of myself when I'm with these people or with
13:14
Speaker 1: that people? Think about who you are most comfortable around.
13:18
Speaker 1: Is it your best friends, your siblings, your partner? Who
13:21
Speaker 1: is that group of people or that one person? And
13:24
Speaker 1: who do you show up as? Are you a bit
13:26
Speaker 1: more reserved? Are you really witty and funny? Who are you?
13:30
Speaker 1: What do you talk about? Do you love to debate
13:32
Speaker 1: random things or do you like going on tangents and
13:34
Speaker 1: talking about stupid things? And often it's a combination of
13:37
Speaker 1: many things. We are very multifaceted, but think about who
13:41
Speaker 1: you are the most comfortable with. What kind of hobbies
13:44
Speaker 1: would you do if no one was going to judge you?
13:46
Speaker 1: What kind of music would you listen to if no
13:48
Speaker 1: one judged you? What clothes would you wear? What colors
13:51
Speaker 1: are your favorite color? What are the things that you
13:53
Speaker 1: would do if you were in a position where no
13:56
Speaker 1: one was judging and you're really comfortable in your own skin,
13:58
Speaker 1: or if you're hanging around those people that always make
14:00
Speaker 1: you feel really comfortable with who you are, okay? And
14:03
Speaker 1: then I want you to ask yourself, when is it
14:07
Speaker 1: that I change that the most? Is it when I'm
14:09
Speaker 1: at work, when I'm around this person I've got a
14:11
Speaker 1: major crush on that I really want them to like me?
14:14
Speaker 1: When is it that I'm changing this and why? And
14:18
Speaker 1: the answer to the why is likely because you feel
14:20
Speaker 1: it's going to be a threat. If they see the
14:21
Speaker 1: real you, it's going to feel like a threat because
14:23
Speaker 1: if they reject the real you, then you feel like
14:26
Speaker 1: they've rejected who you are as an individual. But the
14:29
Speaker 1: aim is to marry all these versions of yourself down
14:33
Speaker 1: to the one true core version of you. How consistent
14:37
Speaker 1: can you be across the board at work, with your friends,
14:41
Speaker 1: with your co-workers, with your parents, with your partner? everywhere.
14:46
Speaker 1: When you interact with a stranger, the essence of you,
14:48
Speaker 1: that personality, okay? So self-consistency, number one. Number two, get
14:54
Speaker 1: really stingy with your external validation. Seek external validation, but
14:59
Speaker 1: in the right places. So stop seeking male validation, end
15:02
Speaker 1: of story, that ends today. Stop seeking popularity validation from
15:06
Speaker 1: people that you don't actually know. We're just going to
15:13
Speaker 1: get you absolutely nowhere. Okay. Now, if you're someone that's like, yeah,
15:16
Speaker 1: but I'm trying to grow on social media, for example,
15:18
Speaker 1: so I need to care about that validation. This is
15:20
Speaker 1: another reason why this seeking external validation pisses me off
15:24
Speaker 1: on social media. I'll give you a prime example. If
15:26
Speaker 1: you're always seeking validation, you're the kind of person that's
15:28
Speaker 1: going to jump on every trend under the sun to
15:30
Speaker 1: try and make yourself brand work. Someone who actually seeks
15:34
Speaker 1: the right kind of validation only wants to align with
15:36
Speaker 1: people that align with them in return. So they're like,
15:39
Speaker 1: I don't need to jump on a trend if it's irrelevant.
15:41
Speaker 1: I'm just going to talk about my craft or my
15:43
Speaker 1: business or my art or my self-brand or my podcast
15:45
Speaker 1: or whatever it is that I do. And I'm going
15:47
Speaker 1: to speak to whoever my audience is and try and
15:51
Speaker 1: find a way to find them. And if other people
15:53
Speaker 1: come across it and don't like it because fair enough,
15:55
Speaker 1: people have their tastes, I'd rather them not engage with
15:58
Speaker 1: my content because it would be irrelevant if they did.
16:01
Speaker 1: I would rather have maybe a smaller audience, but if
16:05
Speaker 1: people that really get me, really align, really click, then
16:09
Speaker 1: have a million people like this video, but no one
16:11
Speaker 1: follow me, and then my business go fucking nowhere. That's
16:13
Speaker 1: a perfect example of what we do in everyday life.
16:16
Speaker 1: You see it on social media. So external validation where
16:19
Speaker 1: you care about a popularity contest is wanting to go
16:21
Speaker 1: viral for the sake of going viral when no one
16:24
Speaker 1: actually gives a fuck about who you are, and they
16:25
Speaker 1: probably will never engage with your shit again. That's the example, okay?
16:29
Speaker 1: So that applies to how we behave in life versus
16:32
Speaker 1: I don't care about the viral, I'm going to put
16:35
Speaker 1: out stuff that really matters to me and I'm hoping
16:38
Speaker 1: it resonates. And if it resonates with just a handful
16:40
Speaker 1: of people, better that than me pretending to be something
16:42
Speaker 1: I'm not and it resonating with a million people for
16:45
Speaker 1: three seconds and then never again. Another thing to pay
16:48
Speaker 1: attention to with this validation is notice when you're getting
16:51
Speaker 1: trapped in a validation cycle. So if you're in the
16:54
Speaker 1: dating scene, you'll notice that a lot of people who
16:57
Speaker 1: kind of pull you in and then push you away
17:00
Speaker 1: and then pull you in and push you away, they
17:02
Speaker 1: use this need for validation as a tool for themselves.
17:05
Speaker 1: They know, and this could happen, it doesn't matter about
17:07
Speaker 1: the gender. Yes, it's really common with males, but it
17:10
Speaker 1: happens across everyone. But they know that a lot of
17:14
Speaker 1: people want to feel validated because they themselves want to
17:17
Speaker 1: feel validated. So what they'll do is they'll, you know,
17:20
Speaker 1: do something to make you feel insecure or to make
17:21
Speaker 1: you feel like you're walking on anxious and then they'll
17:23
Speaker 1: pull you in. Then they push you in, pull you in,
17:24
Speaker 1: and then you're hooked. You're hooked because you're hooked on
17:27
Speaker 1: this cycle of like, well, it's like going to the
17:30
Speaker 1: pokies where it's not like you get a win every
17:32
Speaker 1: time and you can relax and there's consistency. It's like
17:35
Speaker 1: I might get a win, I might not. Oh, they might, oh,
17:37
Speaker 1: they won't reply. This push-pull makes people addicted. because you
17:41
Speaker 1: don't know what you're going to get and you're desperate
17:43
Speaker 1: for that little, that hit, that win. Okay. And the
17:46
Speaker 1: people that do this push pull with validation to other
17:49
Speaker 1: people where they make them feel insecure. So then that
17:52
Speaker 1: person keeps coming back to them for validation. That's how
17:54
Speaker 1: like a player quote unquote works. If you feel the
17:58
Speaker 1: need to do that, you also are insecure because you
18:01
Speaker 1: need that kind of validation of people needing you all
18:04
Speaker 1: the time. So it's just a cycle of two people
18:06
Speaker 1: that are desperate for external validation, just fucking around with
18:10
Speaker 1: each other. So it's like, I'm fucking insecure and I
18:13
Speaker 1: need you to validate me, but I'm going to pretend
18:14
Speaker 1: that you're not valid. So then you come to me.
18:17
Speaker 1: So then you feel valid. And it's like the blind
18:19
Speaker 1: leading the blind in the world of external validation. Number three,
18:30
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to go too heavily into this
18:32
Speaker 1: because I had this, this was kind of the main
18:34
Speaker 1: topic I did two episodes ago. So definitely listen to
18:36
Speaker 1: that episode if this rings a bell, but become less
18:39
Speaker 1: attached to things that you don't ultimately have control over. Okay.
18:42
Speaker 1: So this is if someone just doesn't click with you,
18:47
Speaker 1: if that crush that you think is the love of
18:49
Speaker 1: your life, but you cannot actually ascertain that unless you
18:52
Speaker 1: actually dated them, If they just don't like you back,
18:55
Speaker 1: they're not your person. They are not your person. Stop
18:57
Speaker 1: trying to control it. Stop trying to, but if they
18:59
Speaker 1: saw me look really hot, but if they liked my story,
19:02
Speaker 1: then maybe they, but if that, no, no, the answer
19:05
Speaker 1: is no. Shut up. The answer is no. You need
19:08
Speaker 1: to stop trying to control things that are not actually
19:10
Speaker 1: in your control. If things aren't flowing or aren't progressing
19:14
Speaker 1: in any way, shape or form, it's probably not going
19:16
Speaker 1: to happen. And that's where we shift our control elsewhere.
19:20
Speaker 1: Don't waste your time. It is the most important commodity
19:24
Speaker 1: you are ever going to have in your life. So
19:26
Speaker 1: it's important that you honor that. Number four, this one
19:29
Speaker 1: is so crucial. It should be number one on the list,
19:33
Speaker 1: but it is learn how to talk yourself through your
19:35
Speaker 1: own experiences and your own emotions without attacking yourself. So
19:40
Speaker 1: this is where you really have to learn the difference
19:43
Speaker 1: between constructive criticism or critiquing yourself versus attacking yourself. That's
19:50
Speaker 1: negative self-talk versus doing something that's constructive. Okay. So This
19:55
Speaker 1: is where you might have an experience that makes you
19:58
Speaker 1: feel like devalued. You know, you feel shameful or embarrassed
20:04
Speaker 1: or not good enough or you start to compare yourself
20:08
Speaker 1: to someone and you feel less than or you feel
20:10
Speaker 1: like a loser. You feel like you were the least
20:14
Speaker 1: best dressed person at that fucking party. You can then
20:17
Speaker 1: come home. and say, okay, this is what I felt.
20:21
Speaker 1: These are the feelings that I felt. Where did it
20:23
Speaker 1: stem from? I think I started comparing myself to this person,
20:26
Speaker 1: or I think I actually have a crush on that person.
20:27
Speaker 1: And then I started behaving in a certain way and
20:29
Speaker 1: I started getting in my head or I said, so
20:31
Speaker 1: you can talk yourself through your feelings and your emotions.
20:35
Speaker 1: And then this is the key thing. This is the
20:38
Speaker 1: difference between good mental health and poor mental health is
20:41
Speaker 1: what a lot of people do is they'll then quickly
20:43
Speaker 1: spiral and attack themselves. they'll be like, yeah, of course
20:45
Speaker 1: you're a fucking loser because you fucking said this and
20:47
Speaker 1: you're a fucking idiot because why didn't you think of this?
20:49
Speaker 1: And then this other person came along and actually said
20:51
Speaker 1: something funny and you're sitting there like a fucking idiot
20:54
Speaker 1: in the sidelines, not fucking interacting in a conversation. And
20:58
Speaker 1: then you are just beating down on yourself on this
21:01
Speaker 1: awkward social interaction that you had that probably everyone else
21:05
Speaker 1: has experienced at some point in their life too. And
21:08
Speaker 1: then you're bringing on this social anxiety moving forward. Instead,
21:12
Speaker 1: what you would do where it's constructive is you say,
21:15
Speaker 1: I felt really nervous around this person. Next time I'm
21:19
Speaker 1: around someone that I've got a crush on, if I
21:21
Speaker 1: feel that nothing good is coming to me and I'm
21:23
Speaker 1: not able to put a fucking sentence together because I'm
21:26
Speaker 1: tripping up on my words, next time what I'll do
21:29
Speaker 1: is I just leave. And if that person is interested
21:32
Speaker 1: in talking to me, they'll come up to me later
21:34
Speaker 1: on at the event. But I'll say, anyway, so good
21:37
Speaker 1: seeing you. Less is more. If you like someone and
21:40
Speaker 1: you're like, I have to put my best foot forward,
21:42
Speaker 1: but then you start choking up on your words, Just
21:44
Speaker 1: leave them with a beautiful interaction and walk away. And
21:47
Speaker 1: then you've learned that. So you're like, okay, that's constructive.
21:50
Speaker 1: I learned that I don't feel comfortable staying next to
21:54
Speaker 1: this person because I'm so stressed and I want them
21:56
Speaker 1: to like me. And even though I want them to
21:58
Speaker 1: like me, me hanging around for longer doesn't help the situation.
22:01
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to excuse myself. So nice to
22:02
Speaker 1: see you bye, walk away. Okay. So that's something I've learned.
22:05
Speaker 1: That's constructive. Now I feel like I'm in control. The
22:08
Speaker 1: same thing goes for when you're at a work event
22:10
Speaker 1: and something, maybe something bad happened at work. And then
22:13
Speaker 1: you could think, okay, next time that happens, I could
22:16
Speaker 1: actually stand up for myself by X, Y, Z. Or
22:20
Speaker 1: next time this same situation happens, you're rewriting what you
22:23
Speaker 1: went through with a lesson that you just learned. The
22:26
Speaker 1: difference between negative self-talk and constructive criticism that you give
22:31
Speaker 1: to yourself is that one makes you feel shitter after
22:34
Speaker 1: you've done it. And the other one makes you feel
22:36
Speaker 1: like you are in control again. You might feel a
22:38
Speaker 1: little bit empowered or you might feel less anxious or
22:41
Speaker 1: you just might feel calmer in general, but you feel
22:44
Speaker 1: a little bit more in control. Like there's something I
22:46
Speaker 1: can work with here. That's the beauty of this actual
22:49
Speaker 1: critiquing of an event or my behavior. So being able
22:52
Speaker 1: to talk yourself through your own experiences and emotions is
22:56
Speaker 1: so important because that's where we can address this whole
23:00
Speaker 1: self-consistency that I spoke of in the first place. Why
23:03
Speaker 1: am I pretending to be someone that I'm not? Why
23:05
Speaker 1: am I doing this? We talk ourselves through it. And
23:07
Speaker 1: we don't attack. We critique if needed. Okay. Number five,
23:12
Speaker 1: honor your why every single day. Okay. So let's say you,
23:20
Speaker 1: there's a particular style of fashion that just sings to you.
23:25
Speaker 1: And you're like, I fucking love that particular style. Not
23:29
Speaker 1: many people wear it. It's a little bit quirky. But
23:31
Speaker 1: for me, when I wear these clothes, it just fills
23:34
Speaker 1: me with joy. It reminds me of whatever or it
23:36
Speaker 1: inspires me to feel this or I feel whatever it is.
23:39
Speaker 1: And you're like, oh, I fucking love it. And so
23:40
Speaker 1: then you wear this thing and then you go out
23:42
Speaker 1: and hang out with your friends and then that one
23:44
Speaker 1: fucking friend is like, oh, interesting fucking outfit choice. That
23:47
Speaker 1: was interesting. And then you've got two options now. You think, fuck, oh, God,
23:54
Speaker 1: next time I'll just wear something. I'll just wear jeans
23:56
Speaker 1: and a T-shirt. Like I can't wear that again. I
23:57
Speaker 1: can't put up with that again. Or you lean in
24:00
Speaker 1: and you say, yeah, babe, and what's your point? Or
24:05
Speaker 1: what are you getting at? You know, like just fucking
24:08
Speaker 1: address them, hit them between the eyes and just say,
24:10
Speaker 1: what do you want? What do you want from me?
24:13
Speaker 1: Like if they start criticizing your style and your outfit,
24:16
Speaker 1: just be like, Please come with something entertaining or valid. Otherwise,
24:20
Speaker 1: let's move on with the conversation, okay? So you are
24:24
Speaker 1: always met with two options when someone starts to criticize you.
24:28
Speaker 1: You can play it small and do less next time,
24:31
Speaker 1: or you can embrace it and be like, I'm being
24:33
Speaker 1: challenged right now as to why I'm expressing myself the
24:36
Speaker 1: way I'm expressing myself. I can either lean into that
24:39
Speaker 1: challenge and say, yes, hello, hi, it's me. Yep, I
24:44
Speaker 1: literally chose this outfit because I like it. Why else?
24:46
Speaker 1: When someone says, oh, interesting choice. Oh, you look very,
24:49
Speaker 1: that's very whatever if you or that. So yeah, it is.
24:54
Speaker 1: Good morning to you too. Next, like, so when you
24:57
Speaker 1: do that, you then remind yourself of why you do
25:00
Speaker 1: the things you do. why you have that hobby. Who
25:03
Speaker 1: cares if it's lame for other people? It matters to you.
25:06
Speaker 1: Why you dress in that sense? Because it fucking matters
25:09
Speaker 1: to you. You wouldn't have worn this outfit to a
25:11
Speaker 1: night out if you didn't like it. Well, hopefully not.
25:14
Speaker 1: You know, why did you do your hair like that?
25:16
Speaker 1: Why do you wear bright blue eyeshadow? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?
25:20
Speaker 1: It's because you have to remind yourself what it makes
25:22
Speaker 1: you feel. Always bring it back to that. And then
25:25
Speaker 1: the beauty of that is the more you do that,
25:27
Speaker 1: the more comfortable you become with self-expression. You then think,
25:31
Speaker 1: you know what, fuck it. It's okay if other people
25:33
Speaker 1: have a different taste to me. I'm going to start
25:35
Speaker 1: listening more to this music or doing this or doing that.
25:37
Speaker 1: And then when someone judges me with it, I can
25:39
Speaker 1: stand comfortably in that and just say, yes, this is me.
25:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for noticing. I appreciate the attention. Okay.
25:48
Speaker 1: And then that's you honoring, you know, your why. why
25:54
Speaker 1: I do what I do. If you are really flippant
25:57
Speaker 1: on the why you do what you do and why
25:59
Speaker 1: do you do the things that make you you, then
26:03
Speaker 1: you are at the mercy of everyone else. And then
26:06
Speaker 1: when you've got these shaky foundations into who you are
26:09
Speaker 1: and why you do what you do, then you're easily
26:11
Speaker 1: swayed and then you're no one because you're not what
26:14
Speaker 1: you want to do and you're not exactly what other
26:16
Speaker 1: people want you to do. You're not here, you're not there, okay?
26:19
Speaker 1: So you're not pleasing yourself, but you're also not pleasing
26:23
Speaker 1: other people or you're not really making a mark on others.
26:27
Speaker 1: you know, someone else's impression of you because you've kind
26:29
Speaker 1: of faded into the background. So you think, oh, well,
26:31
Speaker 1: if I dumb it down and play small, then this
26:33
Speaker 1: person's not going to, but this person's not going to
26:35
Speaker 1: think anything of you at all, good or bad, because
26:38
Speaker 1: you're just going to fade away into a little speck,
26:40
Speaker 1: a speck into the distance. What's the point? Okay. So
26:43
Speaker 1: you have to honor your why. Know why you do
26:46
Speaker 1: what you do and remind yourself of it. Remind you
26:49
Speaker 1: of what it brings to your life. And then when
26:51
Speaker 1: people bring it up or when people point it out
26:54
Speaker 1: and they try to make you feel embarrassed or whatever,
26:57
Speaker 1: you cement it. You'd be like, yes, correct. Thank you.
26:59
Speaker 1: Thank you for noticing. I appreciate the attention. Okay. Number six,
27:04
Speaker 1: read the room. I think I kind of brushed on
27:06
Speaker 1: this at the start of the episode, but read the room.
27:10
Speaker 1: If your behavior is turning people away, if you are
27:13
Speaker 1: super abrasive, if you are always insulting people because you
27:17
Speaker 1: think it's funny but miraculously no one's laughing at these
27:20
Speaker 1: quote-unquote jokes that you make, that is feedback. That is
27:25
Speaker 1: the stuff that you should be paying attention to when
27:27
Speaker 1: it comes to validation. A lot of people who are hyper, hyper,
27:30
Speaker 1: hyper insecure will find a sense of security by having
27:36
Speaker 1: that protective background kind of barrier up. And one of
27:40
Speaker 1: the ways to feel protected is by throwing the first attack,
27:43
Speaker 1: throwing the first insult, throwing the first, so you make
27:48
Speaker 1: everyone else feel shaky on their foundations. And then you
27:51
Speaker 1: feel secure. You feel like, oh, you know, I'm the
27:55
Speaker 1: really blunt one in the group. I'm the really hectic
27:57
Speaker 1: one in the group. I'm the really whatever. And that's
27:59
Speaker 1: all well and good if other people genuinely like that
28:01
Speaker 1: about your role with it. But just read the room
28:03
Speaker 1: and pay attention. This will actually help you with feeling validated.
28:07
Speaker 1: When you pay attention to the kind of relationships that
28:09
Speaker 1: you have and the value that you provide within the relationships,
28:12
Speaker 1: then it's going to come back, you know, in a
28:17
Speaker 1: positive way to you. People are going to start to
28:19
Speaker 1: acknowledge you and treat you better as well. So it
28:21
Speaker 1: is important. that, you know, there's a difference between who
28:25
Speaker 1: you innately are and honoring that versus not picking up
28:30
Speaker 1: on when other people are hurt or annoyed by your
28:33
Speaker 1: behavior or your actions, right? So make sure that when
28:38
Speaker 1: you say, oh, but this is who I am, that
28:40
Speaker 1: it's not negatively impacting somebody else. Who you are should
28:45
Speaker 1: have to do with you, yourself, and you, okay? Not Oh, well,
28:51
Speaker 1: I'm just sorry. It's just that, you know, I'm just
28:53
Speaker 1: always late. Sorry that you had to wait an hour
28:55
Speaker 1: for me six fucking times in a row. Sorry that I,
28:59
Speaker 1: you know, insulted you. It's just who I am. It's
29:01
Speaker 1: just who I am. Like you can be who you
29:03
Speaker 1: are without also offending or putting other people out. Now,
29:07
Speaker 1: number seven, rejection is a gift. Take that fucking gift
29:12
Speaker 1: and run with it. If someone that you like doesn't
29:16
Speaker 1: like you back, good. Okay. That is the clearest answer
29:22
Speaker 1: that you could get. Do you know how much better
29:24
Speaker 1: that is than someone fucking around with your time? If
29:28
Speaker 1: you really like someone and they're like, oh, I'm not
29:29
Speaker 1: feeling it. Do not fucking try and convince them otherwise.
29:33
Speaker 1: Do not. They've given you a gift. Rejection is a gift. Okay.
29:37
Speaker 1: It's a closed door. It tells you to move along
29:41
Speaker 1: and go elsewhere. Stop wasting your time when you've been rejected.
29:44
Speaker 1: And also stop feeling like it's always so personal. Sometimes
29:49
Speaker 1: it's personal. Sometimes it's fucking personal, but not every time.
29:53
Speaker 1: And most times it's not. If someone who you've just
29:56
Speaker 1: met rejects you, that's definitely not personal because they don't
29:59
Speaker 1: know you that well. They just from face value have
30:02
Speaker 1: decided it's not for them. How many times have you
30:05
Speaker 1: done that with other people? How many times have you,
30:07
Speaker 1: and you probably haven't even realized because it's not personal.
30:11
Speaker 1: You've just kind of brushed someone off being like, oh, well,
30:13
Speaker 1: I'm not going to entertain that because I'm not. And
30:15
Speaker 1: are you being like festering one year later that person
30:18
Speaker 1: that came up to me one year ago and said, no,
30:20
Speaker 1: you're not because it's not personal. Okay. You have to
30:22
Speaker 1: allow people to make a judgment call based on what
30:24
Speaker 1: they see and just let it flow. A rejection can
30:28
Speaker 1: sometimes be the biggest gift of your life. And personally,
30:33
Speaker 1: even when it is personal, rejection has been a gift
30:36
Speaker 1: for me. Personal rejection and impersonal rejection is a fucking
30:40
Speaker 1: gift because it is telling you not here, not now,
30:43
Speaker 1: not today. Last one. Number eight, hold yourself to a
30:50
Speaker 1: higher standard. This is one of the best ways to
30:54
Speaker 1: feel more validated. I could do, and I will do
30:57
Speaker 1: a whole episode on this, but you need to create
31:00
Speaker 1: a standard for how you live. Okay. For example, get
31:07
Speaker 1: up in the morning and make your fucking bed. That
31:09
Speaker 1: is a standard. You are someone that brushes, I fucking hope,
31:12
Speaker 1: brushes your teeth every day. That is a standard that
31:15
Speaker 1: you hold yourself to. You hold yourself to hygiene standards.
31:18
Speaker 1: You hold yourself to particular standards around how your home
31:21
Speaker 1: is kept, around how much work you want to produce
31:24
Speaker 1: every single week, around whether you exercise or whether you
31:27
Speaker 1: don't exercise. All of the things that you do in
31:30
Speaker 1: your life repeatedly, consistently is the standard. And the higher
31:37
Speaker 1: you hold that standard within reason, obviously. But the higher
31:42
Speaker 1: you hold that standard, the more effort is required for
31:46
Speaker 1: you to uphold that standard, okay? It requires more effort.
31:50
Speaker 1: And we are designed to do difficult things. We are
31:54
Speaker 1: designed to push through adversity and push through challenges. And
31:59
Speaker 1: that is what makes us feel accomplished. It makes us
32:02
Speaker 1: feel satisfied. We get the sense of satisfaction within ourselves
32:05
Speaker 1: when we're able to achieve things in our life. If
32:08
Speaker 1: you are constantly saying to yourself, It's okay if my
32:11
Speaker 1: house is a bomb. It's okay if, you know, I
32:14
Speaker 1: never make my bed. It's okay if this, it's okay
32:18
Speaker 1: if that. You yourself know it's not okay. And the
32:21
Speaker 1: reason why you know it is because you can keep
32:23
Speaker 1: telling yourself that all you like, but deep down you
32:26
Speaker 1: wished it was different. You wish that you could actually
32:30
Speaker 1: feel like you've got your shit together. And the beauty
32:32
Speaker 1: of it is that when you do have your shit
32:34
Speaker 1: together consistently, then the one time you weren't able to
32:37
Speaker 1: clean the kitchen and in the evening, it actually is
32:40
Speaker 1: okay because it was this one time and you just
32:42
Speaker 1: weren't able to do it because the standard is always
32:46
Speaker 1: relatively high. You hold yourself to that standard that if
32:49
Speaker 1: there was a reason why you didn't do it, it's
32:51
Speaker 1: probably a valid one and then you do feel okay
32:53
Speaker 1: with it. You yourself know it. You can't convince yourself
32:57
Speaker 1: of a lie. You know that when you put in
33:00
Speaker 1: the effort, you go to bed at night being like,
33:02
Speaker 1: that was a good day because the reward is in
33:05
Speaker 1: the journey. It's not in the outcome. It's in the doings.
33:08
Speaker 1: So if you can hold yourself to a higher standard
33:10
Speaker 1: as far as how you treat yourself, how you treat
33:13
Speaker 1: your home, what you expect from yourself every day for yourself,
33:18
Speaker 1: you are going to have more of that self-consistency. You're
33:21
Speaker 1: going to value yourself and your time. You're going to
33:23
Speaker 1: respect yourself and your own time more. And when you
33:27
Speaker 1: have a higher level of respect for yourself and your time,
33:31
Speaker 1: that exudes. People reflect that. They absorb that and they
33:37
Speaker 1: reflect it. If someone respects themselves, other people respect them.
33:41
Speaker 1: And if they try and disrespect it, it doesn't disrespect them.
33:44
Speaker 1: It doesn't last long at all. Okay. If I have
33:47
Speaker 1: a really, really healthy level of self-respect, someone can only
33:51
Speaker 1: disrespect me once maximum because I don't entertain and I'm
33:54
Speaker 1: not interested. I'm also not that offended. I'm just not
33:58
Speaker 1: bothered and I can't be bothered. So I move on
34:01
Speaker 1: and I don't really, you know, whereas someone else who
34:04
Speaker 1: might not have a allows someone to disrespect them and
34:09
Speaker 1: then they allow it again and again and they're like,
34:10
Speaker 1: but why and why are they doing this and why, why, why, why?
34:12
Speaker 1: Because you allow it. Instead of questioning their behavior, question
34:15
Speaker 1: why you allow it. That's what you should be questioning.
34:18
Speaker 1: Why are we questioning people that we can't get inside
34:20
Speaker 1: their heads? Why are we questioning their whys? We're not
34:22
Speaker 1: the same person. Question what you allow. You need to
34:26
Speaker 1: raise your standards in your own behavior, in your home,
34:29
Speaker 1: in your health, in how you treat yourself and then
34:32
Speaker 1: other people will meet you there. Okay. That's the beauty
34:36
Speaker 1: of it. They will meet you there. You just have
34:37
Speaker 1: to focus on yourself and what you can do with
34:39
Speaker 1: yourself and everyone else meets you there. Instead of this
34:42
Speaker 1: constant seeking validation from out here, out here, out here,
34:45
Speaker 1: where we're not paying attention to what's happening in our
34:47
Speaker 1: own home, where we're not paying attention to respecting ourselves
34:50
Speaker 1: and raising our own standards for our own sake. When
34:54
Speaker 1: you start doing that day in, day out with yourself
34:57
Speaker 1: at home and in your home as in your head,
35:01
Speaker 1: you will start to see your relationship with other people
35:03
Speaker 1: and how other people treat you and respect you start
35:07
Speaker 1: to go up. And the ones that disrespect you, it
35:10
Speaker 1: just doesn't sit with you for that long. It might
35:13
Speaker 1: offend you in the moment. It might piss you off.
35:15
Speaker 1: You might vent. But ultimately, you don't engage anymore. You
35:19
Speaker 1: might be like, that cunt, that fucking cunt who said
35:22
Speaker 1: this to me. But then you're not calling them being like, oh, hey, babe,
35:24
Speaker 1: you know, I know you were like, you're just not.
35:27
Speaker 1: That's the beauty of it. You are able to distance
35:29
Speaker 1: yourself from people that don't meet you at that standard
35:32
Speaker 1: that you've set. And you also have a higher standard
35:36
Speaker 1: of how you treat other people. That's the beauty of it.
35:38
Speaker 1: You become a better friend. You're a better partner, a
35:41
Speaker 1: better parent, a better daughter or son, a better everything.
35:44
Speaker 1: So in summary, I'll go over the eight points again.
35:47
Speaker 1: Number one is self-consistency. Be the same version of yourself
35:50
Speaker 1: as much as you can in every area of your life.
35:53
Speaker 1: Number two, get stingy with what kind of external validation
35:56
Speaker 1: you are going to be seeking. Number three, become less
35:59
Speaker 1: attached to things that you don't have control over, including
36:02
Speaker 1: like negative opinions that other people have. Number four, talk
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Speaker 1: through your own experiences and your own emotions without attacking,
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Speaker 1: but critiquing if needed. Number five, honor your why daily.
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Speaker 1: Number six, read the room. For fuck's sake, read the room.
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Speaker 1: Number seven, rejection is a gift. And number eight, hold
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Speaker 1: yourself to higher standards. So write off those down. listen
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Speaker 1: to this episode again and again, share it, rate it,
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Speaker 1: review it, five stars, obviously. And that is all. Hopefully
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Speaker 1: this really helped kind of light that fire within you
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Speaker 1: to make you feel way more empowered on this journey
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Speaker 1: of mastering the skill of self-validation. Guys, that is all
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Speaker 1: for today. Love you guys so much. Thank you for listening.
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Speaker 1: And as always, remember, be kind to yourself, be kind
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Speaker 1: to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially
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Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself. Danke.