Latest / Voices for Voices® / Episode 93: From Suppression to Expression: A Mental Health Journey
Transcript
- 0:00Justin Alan Hayes: Chapter 8.
- 0:02Justin Alan Hayes: Something Is Wrong.
- 0:04Justin Alan Hayes: The average person communicates externally to other individuals multiple times a day in different ways.
- 0:13Justin Alan Hayes: Some common ways a person can communicate externally are face to face with a gas station attendant before or after pumping gas or after grabbing a snack.
- 0:25Justin Alan Hayes: Face to face via telephone or email to a co-worker or to the utility company customer service representative about a question on a recent bill For me.
- 0:39Justin Alan Hayes: I was communicating to my college students in class verbally and via email with hiring managers and recruiters for prospective job opportunities.
- 0:50Justin Alan Hayes: Via email and phone To my fiancee and now wife in person before, during or after her workday was through.
- 1:01Justin Alan Hayes: I love to teach others and share my knowledge and experiences with them, regardless of the subject matter.
- 1:08Justin Alan Hayes: So, having this opportunity to share my knowledge and experiences and what was actually a major blessing and a curse all at the same time, looking at my previously described fear and anxiety around interaction with others, why was teaching suddenly a curse when it used to be something I loved to do To help my fiancee and now wife supplement some of our household bills?
- 1:37Justin Alan Hayes: While being in transition of a full-time paid position, I was picking up any teaching gig I could.
- 1:44Justin Alan Hayes: This included not only teaching courses in person and via the virtual classroom, but additionally leading a project to transform the course mechanics and content of a specific marketing course I was teaching in person.
- 1:59Justin Alan Hayes: The objective was to design the very same course for online students to broaden our course offering across the United States soon.
- 2:09Justin Alan Hayes: This project was a favorite of mine, except for the additional anxiety and stress that placed on me personally.
- 2:16Justin Alan Hayes: A good lesson for me that I want to share with you is that just because you like to do something, it does not mean you have to say yes when asked.
- 2:25Justin Alan Hayes: You are not a bad person if you say no, and often a similar or better opportunity tends to come knocking later.
- 2:34Justin Alan Hayes: Take care of yourself first.
- 2:36Justin Alan Hayes: You cannot help others if you are not helping yourself first.
- 2:41Justin Alan Hayes: To my students, how I was acting may have seemed normal, especially to those students who did not pay much attention in class.
- 2:49Justin Alan Hayes: Deep down, though, I was questioning whether I should even be teaching when I couldn't even manage my internal thoughts and physical actions of speaking faster than normal, just like an auctioneer rushing through important course material, just so class would end sooner.
- 3:07Justin Alan Hayes: I even started giving my classes open book and open note exams, something I never intended to do in the beginning.
- 3:15Justin Alan Hayes: Plus, with this new structure, periods would be shortened, taking some material amount of anxiety and stress away from me.
- 3:24Justin Alan Hayes: Extreme yes.
- 3:26Justin Alan Hayes: Could I help it?
- 3:28Justin Alan Hayes: Unfortunately not.
- 3:29Justin Alan Hayes: I should not have felt this way or provided such a subpar service, both to the students, the university and myself, mentally and physically.
- 3:39Justin Alan Hayes: You should not have to feel this way, especially when you are doing something you enjoy.
- 3:44Justin Alan Hayes: I was doubting in every situation and setting.
- 3:49Justin Alan Hayes: It was a constant battle of I want to teach as much as I can during this period of time versus my body and mind drain on not only those class nights but even the time prior to class preparing Good stress or bad stress.
- 4:05Justin Alan Hayes: My body did not know the difference then or now.
- 4:09Justin Alan Hayes: All the body knew was that someone or something was creating a stressful event for it.
- 4:15Justin Alan Hayes: Stress and being uncomfortable was an understatement when breaching the subject of any type of job interview, whether it be over the phone or an on-site in-person interview.
- 4:27Justin Alan Hayes: Prior to this time, when I had any type of job interview, it was indeed stressful, but during this time I was incredibly uncomfortable and fearful.
- 4:38Justin Alan Hayes: I was uncomfortable because one of the questions that always came up was why I left my previous job.
- 4:45Justin Alan Hayes: Uncomfortable because the way in which I had left that former position was one that people say that they understand and would do the same thing, but in reality they would not.
- 4:57Justin Alan Hayes: In that way, I was voluntarily resigning because of unethical hiring and day-to-day employment practices such as poking fun at job candidates for the way they looked and management being all talk about backing their direct reports up when dealing with employees that needed to be disciplined.
- 5:18Justin Alan Hayes: In addition, I was assigned merchandising responsibilities, a field I had zero experience in with my management, knowing that my background was in marketing and marketing analytics.
- 5:31Justin Alan Hayes: Try explaining that or even remotely suggesting the real facts, as I have recounted, to a recruiter or a room full of interviewers, or even yet the fact that it had been over a year since that had occurred, without gainful employment in the meantime.
- 5:49Justin Alan Hayes: Now, just because I did not have a full-time work position did not mean that I just sat around doing nothing.
- 5:56Justin Alan Hayes: In fact, during that time, I had written my first book, the House of you Five Workforce Preparation Tips for a successful career, taught several college, undergraduate and graduate-level courses, and had held my dad with his Meals on Wheels route part-time.
- 6:15Justin Alan Hayes: During this time, I would soon find out how my mental illnesses were not a setback.
- 6:21Justin Alan Hayes: Instead, they were pushing me to set goals and achieve them.
- 6:25Justin Alan Hayes: I learned that, no matter how uncomfortable I felt, I was still capable of making an impact on others.
- 6:33Justin Alan Hayes: That is why, after I published my first book, I wanted to share the news with so many people that could benefit from what I had to say.
- 6:41Justin Alan Hayes: One of those such individuals was Coach K Mike Czesci, five-time NCAA national champion, six-time gold medalist and 1,100 career NCAA wins.
- 6:55Justin Alan Hayes: Head basketball coach at Duke University.
- 6:59Justin Alan Hayes: Thank you, and to my surprise, he responded.
- 7:02Justin Alan Hayes: I was able to impact the situation of sending Mr Shosheski a copy of my book and handwritten note, but I could not impact whether or not he would communicate a response to me.
- 7:14Justin Alan Hayes: Upon reading Coach K's response, I felt as though my work was having a real impact on others.
- 7:22Justin Alan Hayes: Some people have a tough love attitude in the way their thoughts and actions are portrayed to others.
- 7:28Justin Alan Hayes: My fiance and now wife are one of those people.
- 7:31Justin Alan Hayes: I understood her intentions were good by telling me to get up and do something and quit feeling sorry for myself, but this kind of attitude towards someone like me, who is struggling everywhere I turn and in everything I did and tried to do, was hard to handle.
- 7:49Justin Alan Hayes: I was being treated as though all I had to do was flip a switch and I would be all better, and that I was choosing to not flip that switch on.
- 7:58Justin Alan Hayes: Trust me, if all I had to do was say abracadabra, be well.
- 8:03Justin Alan Hayes: To snap out of my funk, I would have.
- 8:06Justin Alan Hayes: Unfortunately, it was not that easy.
- 8:09Justin Alan Hayes: My wife didn't understand why I couldn't walk into a grocery store without freaking out, why driving was such a crippling activity, why eating outside of the home was such a chore for me, or even why I felt terror during interviews, teaching and attending a concert, so much so I would do just about anything to shorten the time I had to be exposed to the mental and physical discomfort.
- 8:36Justin Alan Hayes: Mental illness is tough and exhausting enough to deal with on a daily basis, and so is trying to explain how you are feeling and what you are experiencing to others, since the only signs visible to them may be a lack of activity or quietness on your part.
- 8:52Justin Alan Hayes: Mental illness does not exhibit the same visible characteristics that someone like a bruised ankle or a dislocated finger does.
- 9:01Justin Alan Hayes: If this is happening or has happened to you, do not let it stop you from pressing on, because the only person who knows how you feel is you Do not let a friend or family member sway you or delay reaching out for professional help just because they cannot see the warning signs here.
- 9:21Justin Alan Hayes: I was an extrovert for a large portion of my life, who did not shy away from interpersonal communication and social events, now turned extreme introvert because of my inability to manage my anxiety, stress, well-being and internalized thoughts and feelings.
- 9:41Justin Alan Hayes: A person's well-being is defined as a good or satisfactory condition of existence, a state characterized by health, happiness and prosperity, welfare.
- 9:53Justin Alan Hayes: It is safe to say that a good or satisfactory condition of existence was not happening for me.
- 9:59Justin Alan Hayes: My health, happiness and prosperity were lacking at the least, and my happiness were nowhere to be found.
- 10:07Justin Alan Hayes: Although I achieved some goals, I did not feel the happiness I should have, especially after writing and publishing my career readiness book.
- 10:16Justin Alan Hayes: That was a huge achievement and I should have been proud of.
- 10:20Justin Alan Hayes: Inside, I think I was a little bit proud, but because of all the other things happening to and around me, I knew I could not reach the point of pure happiness.
- 10:32Justin Alan Hayes: A lack of social interaction with others outside of my immediate family and my students was the norm for me.
- 10:38Justin Alan Hayes: I knew it was unhealthy to want to always stay home and away from social gatherings and situations.
- 10:45Justin Alan Hayes: But that did not help me turn it around, especially since the reinforcing message from those social interactions to me was one of anxiety, panic and stress.
- 10:56Justin Alan Hayes: Even more reason to stay home and away from what my mind and body consider to be danger.
- 11:02Justin Alan Hayes: Not only was I jeopardizing my own life when I got behind the wheel of my car, I was also jeopardizing the lives of those driving on the same street.
- 11:12Justin Alan Hayes: There was no other way to say it other than I was not thinking clearly.
- 11:17Justin Alan Hayes: Remember, I could troubleshoot my symptoms better than anyone, even a doctor or so I thought.
- 11:25Justin Alan Hayes: A big hurdle I encountered was realizing the fact that my body was sending signals to my mind that just about everything I was eating at the time was something I was allergic to Throughout the course of my life.
- 11:39Justin Alan Hayes: I had no known food allergies, yet here I was now, allergic to everything except plain hummus and carrot sticks.
- 11:49Justin Alan Hayes: I went to see a holistic practitioner, someone who specializes in trying to find ways outside of traditional medicine to treat real medical conditions.
- 11:58Justin Alan Hayes: Since I was only going to a general doctor and sporadic emergency room doctor visits, I thought it would be a good thing to see someone outside of the mainstream medical community because, again, I knew better than the professionals.
- 12:13Justin Alan Hayes: Part of the reason I went to see this holistic practitioner was that I did not want a psychiatrist to classify me as a person with mental illness.
- 12:22Justin Alan Hayes: I did not want to believe I was one of those people.
- 12:25Justin Alan Hayes: In reality, I was treating people with mental illnesses, just like a large part of the world was and has been, with a negative stigma.
- 12:34Justin Alan Hayes: I believe people with mental illnesses were not strong people and because I viewed myself as a strong person, I surely could not be one of them.
- 12:43Justin Alan Hayes: So, through and through, I thought this holistic practitioner was a barrier between me and what was truly going on with me, my body and mind.
- 12:53Justin Alan Hayes: As with all the other hacks I had tried up to this point, this one also fell by the wayside, bringing me one step further from the old me and one step closer to a reality that sooner or later I was going to have to address.
- 13:09Justin Alan Hayes: Until now, at the time of writing this book, the way I had been feeling mentally and physically had not crossed my mind as something that should be considered as something serious, like a heart attack or a stroke.
- 13:21Justin Alan Hayes: Eventually, some feelings, thoughts and actions would come and go where I knew something was a little off kilter, but I did not explore further.
- 13:31Justin Alan Hayes: I thought what I considered to be quirks were part of what made me a unique person and, of course, something that I could handle and self-treat.
- 13:40Justin Alan Hayes: In a way, once I accepted my symptoms as personal traits, I felt close to invincible.
- 13:47Justin Alan Hayes: There was not anything I could not solve or figure out on my own or with the help of the internet, mostly through Google or social media.
- 13:56Justin Alan Hayes: That was how I boosted my grades in college by studying, studying and studying.
- 14:02Justin Alan Hayes: Some more.
- 14:03Justin Alan Hayes: Determination and studying worked for me, so everything else in my life should work that way too.
- 14:10Justin Alan Hayes: Except what was still going on with me, that an alarm was slowly starting to go off.
- 14:16Justin Alan Hayes: Visits to the emergency room were on the increase because I knew something was just not right with me, but each visit ended like the one before, with no diagnosis nor clear path forward.
- 14:29Justin Alan Hayes: Was this frustrating?
- 14:30Justin Alan Hayes: You bet I was hoping that someone, somewhere, would take me and my symptoms seriously, noticing that my newfound personality traits were actually dangerous and offering to help me instead of saying everything looks good to us, so we're going to just go ahead and release you.
- 14:48Justin Alan Hayes: Just try to lower your stress level and get some exercise.
- 14:53Justin Alan Hayes: That was what I heard repeatedly from doctors and nurses.
- 14:56Justin Alan Hayes: I will now describe what I feel are the three primary categories that best represent how I knew something was seriously wrong and deserves serious action.
- 15:07Justin Alan Hayes: I don't write these words lightly, but it is my goal to be transparent with what I have and am going through, because I know that you and I both don't need any sugar coating.
- 15:18Justin Alan Hayes: We need the truth, love and support.