Latest / gasp! the pod / why it's ok to speculate on sexuality

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why it's ok to speculate on sexuality · gasp! the pod

0:00
My mom would always say you can't argue with stupid.
0:13
Hey gaspers, welcome back to GASP the Pod, the podcast.
0:19
I'm just making sure I'm recording the gays, the girls,
0:21
and especially the gay girls. I'm in a different chair today
0:26
for anyone who's watching on video.
0:27
And also, I made like a little makeshift computer stand with my
0:33
laundry basket because I had to get rid of some things.
0:37
Why do you ask, do I have to get rid of some things?
0:40
It's because I'm moving. And 1st, this is a very exciting
0:45
episode I'm about to get into, very excited about it.
0:48
But I wanted to let you guys know this is the last episode
0:52
that I will be doing. Feel very bittersweet about it.
0:55
Not ever sorry. Here in New York, in my
1:00
apartment at this little makeshift home studio.
1:04
And yeah, I'm sad about it, but I am so excited because I'm
1:09
moving to DC. I'm moving in with my girlfriend
1:12
Sophia. Thank God it's been a long time
1:14
coming. We're going to be looking for
1:16
apartment. So like in that meantime, I'm
1:18
going to be like at her apartment and like at my parents
1:21
house back and forth for like the next month or so.
1:24
And then we'll be moving in soon.
1:26
So don't worry the episodes are not ending.
1:29
I'm just going to be like probably recording at my parents
1:31
house with my dog sneakers or maybe in Sophia's apartment
1:35
until we get ourselves re situated at another home studio
1:39
in me and Sophia's future apartment.
1:41
So I'm really excited about that.
1:44
So everyone say goodbye to this set.
1:46
Let me know if you have any ideas of a future set because
1:50
I'll have some time to like think of how to make it really
1:52
cutesy and awesome. But I'm going to miss this brick
1:55
wall. I feel like I've made so many
1:58
tik toks in front of this brick wall.
2:00
So I'm really going to miss it. Drinking this like mixture of a
2:03
pineapple and ginger juice because I went out some friends
2:07
a few nights ago to celebrate like my last night out in New
2:11
York. I literally move in like 3 days
2:14
and one of my friends was like oh I'm recovering, getting sick
2:18
and I was like so true. So now I'm really anxious that
2:21
I'm going to get sick. Not that it would really matter,
2:23
but I just don't want to be sick when I'm moving out.
2:25
So I'm drinking a ginger juice. Let's see if that'll do anything
2:28
for me. All right, let's get into the
2:30
topic of today. This is the episode for when you
2:34
are in an argument online or in person, right?
2:39
About speculating on sexuality. This is the episode for you.
2:44
OK, I have had a lot of requests on tips like when you're in an
2:49
argument or like what to say when someone says this and
2:53
blank, blank, blank. So this is going to be the deep
2:57
dive into this phrase that has come up so much in the last few
3:02
years. And really, I can't really find
3:05
another time in history where it's been used so much.
3:08
I feel like it was used and created by people to shut down
3:13
queer people from talking. That's my opinion.
3:16
But we're talking about the phrase speculating on sexuality.
3:19
Let's dive into what that means and when it's OK to speculate on
3:27
sexuality, why I think it's OK to speculate on sexuality, and
3:31
all these different arguments that people kind of use to kind
3:36
of silence queer people. And I really think it's
3:38
important to to talk about like, we are in a bad time in America
3:44
and globally, OK, there's a lot of war going on and there's a
3:48
lot of fascist movements that are becoming very popular.
3:52
And this like, revenge against the minority.
3:55
It is so important now literally more than ever to be talking
4:00
when we have the ability to about human rights.
4:05
And I'm never going to shut up about gay people.
4:08
And it's so, so important that we don't censor each other and
4:13
also personally censor ourselves because we're worried that
4:16
someone's going to be like, oh, you shouldn't say that, OK, This
4:19
is the time to be loud and to be talking about gay rights, black
4:24
rights, trans rights, women's rights, human rights.
4:29
What else? Every right, right, immigrant
4:32
rights. OK, this is the time to be
4:34
talking about it. And a lot of people think like,
4:38
oh, when it comes down to pop culture, that's like so
4:40
irrelevant. Pop culture shapes opinions
4:43
around the world, OK, Especially American pop culture.
4:46
American celebrities are popular around the world.
4:49
So it is extremely important to include like LGBTQ takes on pop
4:56
culture and to remind people because these influential
4:59
celebrities could be gay and that will help to desensitize
5:04
queer rights around the world in my opinion.
5:07
OK, really quickly before we get into the meat of the topic, for
5:12
those who didn't see already, I actually made a bonus episode
5:16
this week and it is this new series I created called on the
5:21
rumor mill. So on the rumor mill is pretty
5:23
much a series. I do I'm pretty I think I'm
5:25
going to do it like bi weekly, maybe every week depending on my
5:29
mood. Where I talk about rumors like
5:32
pop culture rumors, celebrity rumors, even news rumors and I
5:36
get my $0.02 on them. And these are rumors that I
5:38
can't fit into like my daily episodes, right?
5:41
So this last episode that I did, I talked about Kendall Jenner
5:44
being bi. Apparently this rumor that
5:46
Barack Obama is having an affair with Jennifer Aniston, the rumor
5:51
that Sabrina Carpenter and Billie Eilish are together.
5:54
I rate them on a scale of true or false based on literally just
5:59
my opinion. I like this series because I can
6:01
fit in things that I literally wouldn't be able to fit in my
6:05
daily episodes. You will only be able to access
6:09
that on Patreon if you're #1 Gasper, I will never post that
6:12
anywhere else. That's why when you're a
6:14
subscription member, I'm going to give you bonus episodes.
6:17
This is for people who want more content and I'm delivering.
6:20
OK, Join as a number one Gasper. You will be able to access that
6:24
because again, I will never post it anywhere else.
6:26
The only other place I will post it, it is Spotify subscription
6:30
member. So it's kind of the same thing
6:32
as a Patreon #1 Gasper, if you will become a subscription
6:36
member on Spotify, which I think I like, I just submit like my
6:38
business records or whatever to get that approved.
6:40
And I think it will be shortly, I will post those bonus episodes
6:43
there on Spotify. So that's the update on Patreon.
6:48
Again, I will put that link in the show notes and in the link
6:52
in my bio. And also I do still have merch
6:54
available, so go check that out. I'm going to make a pride merch
6:58
line. My mom actually came up with
7:00
this idea. I think is very smart to do
7:03
pride merch. So I'm excited about that.
7:05
Speaking of Patreon, if you join as a number one Gasper, I
7:09
actually will shout out members each week.
7:12
So this week I want to shout out my number one Gasper, Olivia B.
7:17
Thank you so much for being a subscription member and becoming
7:21
a number one Gasper. You're the best.
7:23
Let's talk about this topic. What are we going to cover when
7:26
it comes to this episode? We're going to cover literally
7:28
what is speculating on sexuality.
7:31
We're going to cover outing and how it's not speculating on
7:34
sexuality. That's the number one thing I
7:36
feel like I get on the Internet and I feel like a lot of people
7:40
are confused by stereotypes, queer flagging, why and when
7:45
it's OK to speculate on sexuality.
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And then also why speculating is important, I believe, and how to
7:52
respond when someone says don't speculate.
7:55
OK, So if you guys are my Internet warriors, which is
7:59
important, OK, Discourse is important.
8:02
If someone's battering you in a comment section or in some kind
8:06
of like online discourse, it's OK to just stop replying.
8:10
I find this too, especially when I like know that like I'm right
8:14
about something and someone is being, you know, discriminatory.
8:19
I feel the need to keep replying because like, I know I have a
8:23
counterpoint, but like, also you don't have to waste your energy,
8:26
right? So like pick and choose your
8:27
battles. There is just so much Internet
8:31
discourse on this topic, and specifically over the last two
8:35
years. I tried to find the first time
8:38
this phrase was used. I can't, but it's mostly been
8:41
used in the last few years, I think, based around this kind of
8:47
discourse of Gaylord. Let's get into the first thing,
8:50
OK? What is speculating on
8:52
sexuality? First of all, it's a relatively
8:55
new phrase that has like no real historical meaning.
8:58
Like there is going to be no feminist or major like queer
9:04
theorist or author or politician that his talking about
9:09
speculating on sexuality. And more importantly, which I
9:13
will get into because I'm going to bring fucking receipts.
9:17
I bring up the top names and LGBTQ theory, OK?
9:22
And I'll tell you why. According to their words, we
9:25
should be speculating on sexuality because there's no
9:27
queer activist. That's like, stop talking about
9:31
gay things. No one is going to say that, all
9:35
right? It's only the people that are
9:37
trying to shut down these conversations that say that
9:41
either because they're holding on to a straight narrative and
9:44
they're straight or, and I find, and this is like really tough,
9:48
but people who've been out in themselves.
9:50
And that is a horrible experience.
9:52
But it's important to remind people of the distinction
9:56
between outing and speculating because a queer person
10:02
speculating on someone's sexuality is not the same as
10:06
someone being outed. But I do find that usually this
10:09
phrase speculating on sexuality is used very negatively, right?
10:14
Negative connotation used against queer people.
10:17
And we have to discuss what it is.
10:19
Because if this is apparently a new phrase, let's use it and
10:22
let's reframe it and and Co opt it as our own.
10:26
OK? OK, what is it not?
10:28
It is not outing someone and it is not an accusation.
10:33
OK, saying someone is gay is not an insult.
10:37
It can be used as an insult but in the same way where TikTok
10:43
like reports anyone for saying gay, we can't over censor these
10:49
words that have been used as slurs because over censoring
10:53
makes homophobes win. OK we have to reclaim the
10:57
language, use the language, not be scared to use the language.
11:01
And then slowly over time it removes the negative
11:05
connotation. If we are scared to use our own
11:08
language, you're operating for the oppressor.
11:11
Saying someone is gay is not an inherently derogatory thing.
11:14
Say it all the time on the Internet.
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I have to say it a million times.
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If you were saying gay is an insult, the issue lies with the
11:21
homophobe, not the word itself or the action of saying that.
11:26
Right. What is speculating on
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sexuality? Speculating on sexuality is
11:30
talking about the potential of someone being queer.
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The potential? Because we do not know that's
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why it's not outing the potential of someone leading a
11:38
queer life or including queer themes in their work in general.
11:43
Are are personal expression, right?
11:46
Queer is different than a specific label or identity.
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Now we may think, OK, wait, maybe this person is bi, maybe
11:54
this person is whatever. But largely when we are
11:58
speculating on sexuality, it's more so queer people picking up
12:02
on largely queer themes. What does queer mean?
12:06
It is not a specific identity, though it can be used to be, but
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it's also largely a political and inherently political
12:15
identity of this push against a heteronormative world, right.
12:20
So queer, when we say someone could be queer, it's not even
12:23
necessarily saying that that person, like that's their exact
12:27
identity, right? We're picking up on this push
12:31
against a heterosexual and gender norm.
12:34
Let's get into the biggest part of this whole episode, which is
12:40
outing versus speculating. I get this all the time and if I
12:46
don't address, you know, a specific thing that you guys get
12:48
all the time or maybe something that you want me to talk about,
12:52
let me know. I'm happy to make a Part 2 or
12:55
specific things and how to respond to specific phrases,
12:59
right? But a lot of times people say
13:02
either it's outing or that's just weird.
13:06
Don't be creepy, don't be obsessive, OK?
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I fall victim to replying to a lot of those comments just
13:12
because I think it's important to like have discourse and I'm
13:15
very like firm on like what I know and what I believe.
13:19
Education and knowledge gives you power.
13:20
I'm not going to be self-conscious about what I say
13:22
on the Internet because I know what I believe and what I stand
13:25
for and have education to back that up, right?
13:28
But you also don't have to get into these conversations if
13:32
someone calls you weird and obsessive.
13:34
That is rooted literally in homophobia, OK?
13:39
It is rooted in this. You're being an outcast.
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You're weirder than everyone else.
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That's obsessive. That's creepy.
13:45
It's gross. Those are loaded homophobic
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words, even if they are queer and even if they don't think
13:53
that they're being homophobic, period.
13:55
The other thing I get a lot is you're going to out someone.
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You're outing someone, right? Let's get into that, OK?
14:03
What is outing? Outing is to out someone.
14:07
This is the definition from HRC. It means to quote, expose
14:11
someone's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or gender
14:14
non binary identity to others without their permission.
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That means you are exposing someone's identity.
14:23
If you do not know a person's identity, you can't out them
14:31
because you can't expose what you don't know.
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And I'll get into situations where I think it's not OK to
14:39
speculate, but those are very few situations.
14:42
Speculating is not outing. And because of the mere
14:45
definition of both of these phrases, right?
14:49
The definition of the word speculate is to form a theory or
14:54
conjecture sure about a subject without firm evidence.
14:58
This is from Oxford, right? It is impossible to out someone
15:01
by speculating on their sexuality because you have to
15:04
know that persons identity. And as the definition says, it
15:09
is without evidence, like firm evidence.
15:13
We don't know, for example, Taylor Swift, actual sexuality.
15:17
We can make theories, we can wonder, we can be like, wow,
15:21
that looks really queer because she's writing about women, she's
15:24
talking about queer themes. She's queer flagging all these
15:27
things that that's not outing her because no one told me her
15:31
personal information. I don't actually know her
15:33
sexuality. I cannot out her.
15:36
OK? The whole word speculate means
15:39
like to speculate, to wonder, OK, to form a theory.
15:44
It's quite literally not outing because again, and I'm hammering
15:49
this down so hard because a lot of people don't get it, Outing
15:52
is to expose it because you already know it and we don't
15:57
know Taylor Swift's sexuality. Unless for some reason you have
16:01
personal knowledge, you are not outing them by saying that Cate
16:05
Blanchett did something really gay.
16:07
We have to stop acting like that is a dirty, gross, private
16:12
secret bedroom word, right? Being queer and being part of
16:19
the queer community is an identity.
16:21
It's a community. It's a political identity, OK?
16:25
So to talk about something that's LGBTQ and to censor that
16:30
and to say you can't say that, that's gross, that's creepy,
16:33
that's invasive. It is literally whittling the
16:37
queer community down to sexual behaviors, which is literally
16:42
homophobic. That is homophobic, OK?
16:45
The queer community is beyond sex.
16:48
Sex has a huge part of it, but in the same way that any
16:50
straight relationship does. So when we talk about career
16:53
people and you immediately think of sex, you're the weird one.
16:59
When we're on the Internet or we're in these kind of
17:01
discourses and someone says, well, what about Kick Connor?
17:05
Kick Connor from Heart Stopper was outed.
17:09
OK, let's talk about it. I'm not going to shy away from
17:12
these things. I you give me any argument and I
17:15
will fucking refute it. NBC this from NBC quote.
17:19
Heart Stoppers star Kit Connor came out as bisexual Monday
17:22
saying he fell And this is from a few years ago, saying he felt
17:26
forced to share his sexual orientation after he was accused
17:29
of queer baiting by viewers of the popular Netflix show.
17:33
In a rare Twitter post, the British actor wrote quote back
17:36
for a minute. I'm bi.
17:37
Congrats for for forcing an 18 year old to out himself.
17:41
All right, let's talk about that.
17:43
Why is this whole situation irrelevant when it comes to
17:45
speculating on sexuality? Because he came out because he
17:50
felt he had to defend himself from the accusation that he was
17:54
queer baiting just by playing a queer role.
17:58
That is so different from speculating on sexuality,
18:02
especially when they're an actor playing like doing something
18:06
that's their job, right? He didn't write a gay song, OK.
18:10
He played a queer character. That's called acting.
18:15
That is not queer baiting. Now I do have mixed opinions
18:20
about if a person can queer bait.
18:23
I don't believe an actual person can queer bait.
18:26
But when you are pushing a project like and intentionally
18:30
using your art to your personal art to generate queer people to
18:37
speculate if you are queer, I think it's possible that is not
18:41
the situation. But let me just for example,
18:44
say, for example, Taylor Swift, if 10 years from now she's still
18:50
intentionally including queer flagging language in her lyrics.
18:55
And I would never be like, she needs to come out, but if she
18:58
came out as straight and she wasn't, she knew people were
19:02
picking up on queer flagging and she was intentionally putting
19:05
queer flagging in her lyrics. I think you could argue that
19:09
that is queer baiting. But that is a very, very
19:12
specific situation and has to do when someone is writing lyrics.
19:16
This is their own personal work and is intentionally aware that
19:20
people believe that she is using queer flags.
19:23
OK, that's a very specific situation and honestly I'm down
19:27
with people to argue against that.
19:29
But that is not about the situation.
19:31
Kit Connor was accused of queer baiting just because he was
19:36
playing a queer character. That's acting.
19:39
Accusing someone of queer baiting is not even close to
19:43
saying, oh, I wonder if he's queer because he's playing this
19:47
queer character. So no one should have been
19:50
saying, oh, how dare he play this queer character?
19:53
Is he straight and asking and, like, demanding a identity?
19:58
OK, we when? When we were talking about
20:01
sexuality should never be like this person needs to tell us
20:04
this, this person needs to come out and I need to know this
20:09
person's sexuality. But we're not doing that when we
20:11
speculate on sexuality. OK, demanding and speculating 2
20:15
very different things. Speculating is not demanding.
20:20
It is conversation without focus on result.
20:25
We are not expecting anything from Taylor Swift, we are simply
20:30
enjoying her music and noting that it is queer.
20:34
And if you guys can't understand the difference of those things,
20:36
I know y'all can. But if other people cannot see
20:38
the difference between those things, then we are in a scary
20:41
world because nuance exists. So he was accused of queer
20:46
baiting. And again, speculating is not an
20:48
accusation. We covered that already.
20:51
So that's why that situation is completely irrelevant to
20:54
speculating on sexuality. He was accused of queer baiting
20:57
point blank, period. So when anyone brings up that
20:59
situation, you can tell them people accuse him of queer
21:03
baiting. It was not the speculating on
21:04
sexuality. Speculating is not demanding
21:08
someone come out, or even asking someone to come out, OK.
21:11
It is queer discourse around queer flagging, period, without
21:15
expectation and without ask. Let's talk about stereotypes.
21:20
I when I looked up speculating on sexuality, some of these like
21:23
random personal essays came out and some of them by straight
21:27
people. And I just want to make this
21:29
clear. I appreciate any queer person
21:32
that disagrees with me. And I'm still going to disagree
21:36
with you because I do think it's rooted in our history to talk
21:39
about these things out loud and to not censor.
21:42
And like, I will argue with you, right?
21:45
Right. I think you deserve to be in the
21:46
conversation, but I'm going to disagree with you respectfully.
21:50
If you are straight, you have no opinion on this.
21:53
You literally have no opinion on this.
21:55
You should never be telling queer people what they can and
22:00
can't say. It is the exact same as me
22:03
hearing a black creator talking about anything about like Black
22:07
rights or like Black Lives Matter or anything going on and
22:11
saying you can't say that. It's insane that a straight
22:15
person would think that they have the ability to tell queer
22:19
people what they can and can't say.
22:22
If you want to be an ally, you don't have an opinion on this.
22:26
You let the minority group decide what is OK and what
22:31
should be allowed to say because we know the personal experience
22:35
of homophobia. That's just how the world works.
22:39
And if you disagree with that, you're homophobic.
22:42
Period. How many times am I gonna say
22:44
period in this episode? All right, but let's talk about
22:47
stereotypes. Because when I was reading
22:49
through these articles, a lot of people were saying like, oh,
22:52
speculating on sexuality reduces people to stereotypes, guys.
22:57
And maybe this is just like my queer knowledge and like my
23:01
background and like, theory, right?
23:04
That makes this so painful to even have to try to respond to
23:07
because we are trapped in the heteronormative society when we
23:12
are talking about things like this.
23:14
Let's go into it. Just because homophobes have
23:17
used gay, lesbian, bi, trans, queer, etcetera.
23:20
Oh my God a crazy dog is outside.
23:22
This is why I'm moving guys because it's so hard to record
23:24
here. Just because they've used
23:26
stereotypes of us in this community in order to place
23:31
boxes around people, it does not mean that queer people have to
23:35
live life controlled and constantly evading these
23:40
stereotypes. We do not have to evade
23:42
stereotypes to live a free life. In fact, actually releasing what
23:50
straight people think of us from how you view yourself is full
23:55
freedom. True liberation is living
23:58
without the rules that the Master or the privilege placed
24:02
on us. So if you don't believe me,
24:05
let's get into a little master class on queer theory.
24:09
Audra Lord, if you really want to get into black feminist queer
24:13
thought, great place to start. Truly intersectional.
24:16
This is my favorite quote and very famous quote.
24:19
I'm sure you've heard it. Quote for the Master's tools
24:23
will never dismantle the master's house.
24:25
They may allow us to temporarily beat him at his own game, but
24:29
they will never enable us to bring about genuine change.
24:33
We cannot rely rely on straight society to free us or use their
24:40
language to live our lives and to define ourselves.
24:44
So if we use their rules and their language and live within
24:49
that in our attempt to free the queer community, it's never
24:53
going to work long term. They want us to be free within
24:57
their limits. So if we're only thinking about
24:59
how to avoid stereotypes and living our own life, that is not
25:04
liberation. Liberation is to live
25:06
authentically ourselves and to not think about like oh am I
25:11
breaking a stereotype by living this way.
25:14
You living authentically yourself is inherently
25:16
revolutionary. Has nothing to do with if you
25:19
fit inside their mold of what they conceptualize a lesbian is
25:24
or a gay man is. And if you happen to fit into a
25:27
stereotype, it doesn't mean you are any less liberated.
25:32
So constantly trying to avoid void language that's straight
25:36
people find uncomfortable or they've defined as being
25:40
stereotypical is not how we want to go about this movement and
25:44
it's not how we build a future. I'm like, can you guys see that?
25:47
I'm like pissed lately? It's because I don't know if
25:50
it's like the last week or so, but there's just been a lot of
25:52
like Hitler's out there. So like, we need to make this
25:55
video and set this shit straight.
25:57
I mean gay literally. Education truly is power, and
26:01
when you think about and focus on how to move the movement
26:05
forward more than how to please people, you will, you will feel
26:10
more comfortable, like standing up for the queer community,
26:14
standing up for yourself and feeling more confident in that
26:18
because like, a lot of these things are going to make people
26:21
uncomfortable. And that's just like,
26:23
unfortunately, how a movement has to go, right?
26:26
We can't move a movement forward without ruffling some feathers
26:31
along the way. How does this apply to
26:32
speculating on sexuality? Thinking someone is queer based
26:36
on a trait that queer people recognize as queer is not
26:40
stereotyping because especially when queer people do it.
26:45
Because just because that trait falls into the box of that
26:49
stereotype does not mean it is not queer flagging and does not
26:54
mean that that does not signal to queer people in some way.
26:57
OK. The whole point is to get rid of
27:00
them, not to live confined in them.
27:03
And if we only think about how straight people view that, we
27:07
are not liberating ourselves. It is our own culture that we we
27:12
can see as gay. And just because other people
27:15
use that to marginalize us does not mean we need to use that to
27:18
marginalize ourselves. Intent is also important and the
27:22
deliverer of the message is also important.
27:25
So we we're going to have to recognize again, nuance that
27:28
someone being like, wow, you're so gay for that.
27:31
And Oh my God, do you think he's gay are two extremely different
27:36
things. The actual word there is not the
27:38
problem, right? It's the intent, it's the
27:41
messenger, it's the intent to harm.
27:44
And the other is speculating and coming out of positivity and
27:50
connection to find community. Two different things.
27:53
Queer flagging sometimes and often falls into these
27:59
stereotypical behaviours, right? That does not mean we can't pick
28:03
up on and discuss these flags and it does not invalidate every
28:08
other queer expression that is possible for the community,
28:11
right? So for example, and again, I'm
28:15
sure you guys understand this, but like it's just really
28:18
important that we remind ourselves and feel confident in
28:21
this because we need to be solid on this to like move our
28:24
movement forward. Saying that you think a woman
28:27
who passed by in a Carhartt pants wearing a carabiner,
28:31
right, maybe wearing a beanie is a lesbian is not invalid and is
28:35
not in stereotyping because homophobes use that to
28:41
stereotype all lesbians. OK, that's a queer flag.
28:46
If your intent is being like oh that looks like a lesbian
28:50
outfit, we can't be saying oh I shouldn't say that because
28:53
that's homophobic. You're thinking of how a
28:56
homophobe would think of that, right?
28:58
We're still envisioning a society in a homophobes world.
29:01
We have to breakthrough that, OK?
29:03
We cannot use the master's keys to break the master's house.
29:07
OK? It doesn't mean you think all
29:09
lesbians dress like that, but some lesbians do, period.
29:13
On the flip side, we know that queer flags sometimes go against
29:16
stereotypes, right? When you think about like an
29:18
ultra femme lesbian or sapphic, right?
29:21
Sometimes people say that they knew that I was gay because I
29:24
was just like really femme and like bitchy.
29:27
I don't know how to explain it, but just like on it, you know,
29:31
kind of quick. Now that goes against the
29:33
stereotype, but still a queer flag.
29:35
Or one of the stereotypes of lesbians is that every lesbian
29:39
is Butch. But again, recognizing that a
29:41
Butch is a lesbian is not stereotyping.
29:43
But yeah, for example, like a femme wearing like having like a
29:46
lot of jewelry on and having like a Femi cure, that's a queer
29:49
flag. And it pushes against the
29:51
stereotype. Still equally a queer flag and
29:54
still equally authentic queer flagging is very valid and is
29:58
very real. And if you I want to hear more
30:00
about queer flagging, I have an entire episode on it.
30:03
I think it's episode 3. It's called History of Queer
30:06
flagging on my podcast. So go check that out.
30:10
I talk about different queer flags throughout history and
30:14
they're limitless, right? And they evolve with time.
30:17
And I think it's a really interesting episode.
30:19
So go check that out. OK, let's go into like putting
30:23
these things into action, right? Why and when is it OK to
30:27
speculate on sexuality? Why it's important, as I've said
30:31
before, to recognize and acknowledge queer flags.
30:34
We should not be erasing these. So if you look up queer flags, a
30:38
lot of the time on the Internet and these sources, they will
30:40
say, oh, they used to be queer flags, but we don't need those
30:43
anymore because we're good. Hello, queer flags are very much
30:48
still used and are very modern. So just because they're a modern
30:51
take and we don't need to like have colored bandanas anymore
30:55
does not mean it's not a queer flag.
30:57
So don't look to these very like definitioned sources on the
31:03
Internet. I suggest looking to theorists
31:07
and queer activists for kind of backup to be completely honest
31:13
and support and confidence. We just also don't have a lot of
31:16
documentation of queer history. So it's not going to be.
31:19
And like the encyclopedia, it's not going to be on like these
31:23
like history of our nation books, right?
31:26
So we have to dig deep to find this and we have to write it
31:29
ourselves, OK. We are in the movement
31:31
currently. Why is it OK to speculate on
31:34
sexuality? Why?
31:35
Because queer people are allowed and should recognize other queer
31:40
people in the wild. And it's also something that
31:43
we've always done as a community.
31:45
We've needed to do that based on survival, OK?
31:48
We have used queer flagging as a community to find other people
31:52
safely. Perhaps now it's not even
31:55
necessarily for physical safety. And sometimes it is.
31:59
And sometimes it's wanting to find community without having to
32:03
come out. And that's the importance here.
32:07
Queer people, you hear this all the time on the Internet and on
32:09
TikTok. How can I look gay or someone
32:12
that like as a femme, right? How can I tell people that I'm
32:16
gay in my outfits? All of these things, all the
32:18
things in the comments are like jewelry, tattoos, all of these
32:22
things without having to constantly come out because the
32:24
future of our community is not based on, again, making this
32:28
world for straight people and having to tell straight people
32:32
all the time, I'm gay, I'm bi, this is my identity.
32:34
We want to be able to flag these things without having to come
32:38
out. This kind of emotional labor for
32:40
straight people. What's the future of our world,
32:42
right? Your daughter comes home from
32:44
school, starts dating a girl. You don't say what?
32:48
You didn't come out first. You'd be like, oh, that's great.
32:51
I mean, you should, right. We shouldn't have to label
32:55
ourselves. And it's great if you do.
32:57
I personally do or put a label on ourselves for other people in
33:02
order to live our life. So I think it's a great act of
33:06
resistance. So we aren't having to do this.
33:10
Yeah, like active labor for every single person we come in
33:12
contact for our life to constantly come out.
33:16
Coming out culture is not for gay people.
33:18
It's for straight people. So when people on the Internet
33:20
say, oh, well, I won't say any, I will love her if she comes
33:24
out. When she comes out, it is this
33:26
assumption that they are straight and have to do
33:30
something for you to come out. Like that's what it is.
33:36
I've come out so many times in my life, it's ridiculous.
33:38
And I would love if we were in a culture where you just like
33:41
brought your girlfriend somewhere and then people are
33:44
like, oh, I guess she's queer in some way.
33:46
And no one like wonders when the coming out happened.
33:49
Like it's a prerequisite in order to be queer and to queer
33:52
flag, right? So when you go to a lesbian bar,
33:55
you aren't coming out to every single lesbian in that bar.
33:58
You are flagging that you're there and you're queer,
34:01
etcetera, etcetera, right? So that's kind of what queer
34:04
flag lagging is. Now, it can be used in many
34:06
different ways. Oftentimes, you know, it is
34:08
still for people to find queer community in a Safeway.
34:11
But sometimes it's because it's not.
34:14
We aren't adjusting our lives to fit the straight narrative, but
34:17
we are rather, you know, signaling this to queer people
34:21
without having to do this work and a statement to make straight
34:25
people feel better and feel OK about us.
34:30
Why it is not up to straight heteronormative society to tell
34:34
queer people what we can and cannot talk about.
34:37
That is censorship. If we don't talk about it, it
34:41
becomes the culture of, again, don't ask, don't tell.
34:45
If we cannot talk about sexuality unless that person has
34:50
given us a direct confession, does create this culture in
34:56
which celebrities or people feel the need and feel more pressure
35:00
to come out. And that's actually really the
35:01
outing. So if we don't talk about it,
35:05
then it's like don't talk about this until they say something
35:09
that is don't ask, don't tell. That is not where we want to go
35:12
in our future. That is pushing people to feel
35:15
like they need to come out to straight people.
35:17
And also the narrative that you guys are constantly pushing on
35:21
the Internet, not y'all other people is pushing them to out
35:24
themselves more than we are pushing them to come out, right?
35:30
And also what is coming out? Queer people view coming out
35:34
very differently than straight people.
35:35
Taylor Swift saying that everything that makes me me and
35:38
she says gay pride, that's coming out for us.
35:41
OK, when I first came out, I posted a rainbow on my Instagram
35:45
store and I said happy national by like awareness month or
35:49
something like that or week. And no one thought I came out
35:53
because again, straight people are looking for a confession, a
35:58
title AI am bi and queer people do not fit into a straight
36:03
person's molt. So it is up to queer people to
36:06
decide if they even want to come out, what coming out is for
36:09
them. And coming out may not be in a
36:11
straight person's language. We need to move past coming out
36:14
culture. We have to like that is the only
36:18
way our society is going to like break past this assumption of
36:21
people being straight. Is this waiting for this like
36:24
confession? It's also this emotional
36:27
pressure, like the pressure of coming out is horrible and
36:31
insane. Like I have a liberal family and
36:33
I was so stressed out about it. We can't be like putting this
36:38
much pressure on people to like come out for straight people by
36:42
saying we can't talk about sexuality or queer flags or
36:45
something queer in someone's work.
36:47
It's saying a, that that's a harmful thing that you're
36:50
accusing someone of doing something bad, which makes them
36:52
feel like they shouldn't come out because they also see all
36:55
these people that, like, are like kind of homophobic on the
36:57
Internet. And then also it's pushing them
37:00
to be like, oh fuck, I guess they have to make a fucking
37:03
statement about this. How is that positive for the
37:05
community? I could talk about this for so
37:07
long. It's so crazy.
37:09
When is it OK to speculate on sexuality Whenever a queer
37:13
person does it? A queer person seeing if
37:16
someone's queer is not stereotyping.
37:19
It is not problematic. It is not homophobic, OK?
37:23
It is finding community. And if you're straight, I would
37:26
follow a queer person's lead. If you're educated on queer
37:30
history and spot a queer flag, you're good, OK, You're saying,
37:33
I know from learning queer history that friend of Dorothy
37:37
was a historically used queer flag, and I know that Taylor
37:41
Swift just used that. That is totally OK.
37:44
You're noticing a queer flag. That is important.
37:48
It's not a bad thing to notice. It's not an accusation.
37:51
It's not a bad thing as long as you say it with like good intent
37:54
and period. When when we don't attempt to
37:58
know or ask or pressure someone for their identity.
38:02
Obviously when someone does something really gay, we can
38:05
call that guy with good intent, right when not to.
38:08
And I think there's very specific instances when we
38:11
shouldn't. And I think when someone is not
38:14
queer flagging, OK, and you are not queer.
38:19
So if you're straight and you see a person not queer flagging
38:22
and you have a reason to believe that they may be closeted out of
38:25
safety, we just don't need to talk about that on the Internet,
38:30
right? Especially if you're not queer,
38:32
OK? But that is very different from
38:35
when we see a famous person queer flagging.
38:38
So there's very specific instances where I think like you
38:42
use your best judgement. You see a random person walking
38:44
around the street, which no one's doing this by the way.
38:47
You see you're straight. Let's say you're straight.
38:49
You see a random person walking down the street, you think that
38:51
they're gay and you scream that person's gay.
38:54
Or you like see someone in high school and you think that they
38:57
may be gay, but they're may be closeted and you're straight.
39:02
You wouldn't tell the whole school you think they're gay.
39:05
OK but that's just common sense. I don't think it's a great thing
39:08
to do because you're unsure if they could be out and they also
39:13
are a minor and they also have like they're living with their
39:15
family. This is best judgement.
39:17
Again, nuance. Super big difference between
39:20
like spreading a rumor or saying something that someone is gay
39:24
that you think may be closeted that isn't actually queer
39:29
flagging versus a famous person queer flagging over and over and
39:36
over again. These are two very big
39:39
differences. And I think it's also important
39:41
to remember people who are closeted that are protecting
39:44
themselves from safety will not intentionally over and over and
39:49
over again queer flag and align themselves with the queer
39:52
community out loud. Point blank period.
39:55
It is so much more important to focus on pushing past these
40:01
barriers and focus on the like future of the movement rather
40:06
than being scared to say something is gay.
40:09
People that are really outing these closeted people are
40:12
homophobes. They really are.
40:14
If you're a queer person and you think someone else is gay,
40:18
you're not outing them. OK, if you're trying to find
40:21
queer community and you're trying to find a partner and
40:24
you're dating, OK, if you're a queer person or a straight
40:26
person, you see a famous person queer flagging, you're not
40:30
outing them. We have to have that nuance.
40:32
We have to have that nuance because if we don't, that means
40:35
we don't talk about gay things unless someone writes a letter
40:39
to your house. And that is so, so dangerous for
40:42
the community because the biggest thing in this community
40:45
is that we are associated with these, like, dirty, private,
40:48
secret things. And the only way we're going to
40:51
move the community forward is if we remove the stigma and we take
40:55
away the dirtiness of it that homophobes associate with these
41:01
words. And if we don't keep talking
41:03
about it, it's only reinforcing what they want to push on us.
41:08
Why? And then I think we're almost
41:10
wrapping up. Why is speculating, or rather,
41:13
and when I say speculating, I really just mean talking about
41:16
sexuality and queer flagging in the LGBTQ community.
41:19
It's really kind of just the word that homophobes want to use
41:22
for us. But I thought we might as well
41:24
just reclaim it. Why is this important?
41:27
Because if we don't, again, it reinforces coming out culture.
41:30
We don't want to live in a society in which we're straight
41:33
or sis until proven otherwise. That's literally horrible.
41:36
And the whole thing we're trying to get past, okay, coming out is
41:39
for straight people. Like I said before, queer people
41:43
come out all the time and forever, and we're so sick of
41:46
it. We're literally so sick of it.
41:48
It is not up to straight people to decide what is it coming out.
41:52
Also, talking about queer people, queer history and
41:55
culture is important and we have the opportunity to educate
41:58
people. That's why we should like loudly
42:00
be saying this and standing behind it.
42:02
And we have the ability to open up people's minds to what queer
42:05
people look like. I think a lot of the times when
42:09
people are like, oh, you shouldn't say that that person's
42:12
queer. That person's not queer.
42:13
It's because they don't fit into what they think a queer person
42:16
looks like. I think that's why people are so
42:18
confused when we call like, celebrities gay that like looks
42:22
straight, because they don't look gay to them.
42:24
So that's another reason why we need to talk about it.
42:27
OK, if you really want to get into sexuality theory, I would
42:30
suggest getting into Michael Foucault.
42:32
This is someone who will like, literally changed my life
42:36
forever. And my professor who had us read
42:39
Michael Foucault, like, just pretty much the opposite of like
42:43
Freud. OK, he was a gay man, but he
42:45
didn't really like labels in France.
42:47
And this is one of my favorite quotes of all time.
42:49
He says, In my opinion, as important as it may be,
42:52
tactically speaking, to say I am homosexual AKA coming out in a
42:58
wider strategy, the question of knowing who we are sexually
43:03
should no longer be posed. It is not then a question of
43:07
affirming one's sexual identity, but of refusing to allow
43:10
sexuality, as well as the different forms of sexuality,
43:14
the right to identify you, the obligation to identify oneself
43:19
through and by a given type of sexuality must be refused.
43:24
We have to reject this obligation to come out and
43:28
identify ourselves for the world.
43:31
We have to reject it. If you want to come out, that's
43:34
great, but we can't force people and be like making people reveal
43:39
themselves in this kind of backwards way.
43:44
In order to like, move our society forward, we have to move
43:48
beyond this. Finally, we're coming to a
43:50
close. You guys, this is a long
43:53
episode. I hope you guys aren't sick of
43:54
me like ranting. My eyes are almost like blinded
43:57
by the light because I feel like I'm like my eyes are twitching
43:59
because I'm like remembering all the like frustrating comments
44:02
I've gotten and fueling into this episode.
44:05
OK, so I wanted to talk about how to respond when someone says
44:09
online or in person, but it's probably going to be online.
44:12
And again, a lot of people say, you know, like, don't bother
44:15
yourself with these conversations.
44:16
Some of it I think is definitely useless.
44:18
And like, protect your mental health.
44:20
You do not have to respond to all of these things that someone
44:23
says to you on the Internet. But if you would like to, here's
44:26
what I would say. And sometimes this is in person
44:29
too, OK, If someone says don't speculate, that is the number
44:34
one comment I got #1 Here are all my answers.
44:38
A If you're queer, don't let any straight person tell you what
44:42
you can and can't say. Straight people have no right to
44:45
attempt to protect queer people from other queer people.
44:49
How fucking dare you. Literally how dare you.
44:53
Someone said I personally was outed.
44:56
You can say I'm so sorry you had that experience, but speculating
44:59
is not outing. And it's unfortunate when people
45:02
have those experiences. And I think that's what leads
45:05
great people to kind of hate conversations about sexuality.
45:08
And I understand that and I empathize with that.
45:11
But the future of getting us past homophobia is not to censor
45:16
ourselves. And also I would unfortunately
45:19
bet that that person was homophobe and did that in male
45:22
intent and it wasn't someone being like hey, are you queer?
45:26
I'm queer, can we be friends? Right?
45:29
Speculating is not outing is what you can say.
45:32
You can say I'm so sorry quote. Speculating is not outing.
45:35
Next quote. I am educated on queer flags and
45:39
queer history and know how to recognize when they're being
45:41
used. That's another comment you can
45:43
say. You can also say blank word is
45:47
not an accusation or a bad word. These are like elementary
45:51
responses. And like sometimes you'll get
45:54
people that just like are like swerving to like make you look
45:58
like a bad person. And if it's becoming that kind
46:02
of conversation and these nuance and common sense answers are
46:06
aren't working, I would just leave the conversation.
46:09
It sucks because I hate when that happens because it makes me
46:12
feel like I'm losing. But you're not losing.
46:14
You are removing yourself from stupid people.
46:18
And my mom would always say can't argue with stupid.
46:22
You cannot argue with stupid. So if they're sounding stupid,
46:28
stop talking to them. Two more answers quote this
46:31
person is a public figure and this is queer flagging, period.
46:36
If there's if someone's putting out public art and they are
46:39
queer flagging, we have the ability to analyze it in our own
46:42
way. Final answer quote, people are
46:44
not straight until proven otherwise.
46:47
Straight is not the default. All of these things great
46:50
answers OK, but again, put your mental health first.
46:53
The importance of this episode really for me was to make people
46:57
feel more comfortable talking about sexuality online, even
47:01
with this huge resistance from people because the only way and
47:06
like the we're going to move forward as a community is to
47:08
like remove the stigma from talking about it.
47:11
It's not dirty, it's not bad, it's not gross.
47:14
OK, I wanted to end with these two quotes.
47:17
Another amazing, amazing author is Judith Butler.
47:23
That I actually had the ability to talk with them.
47:25
My class in college. This is like what like 2020,
47:29
which is so scary five years ago.
47:30
And so we had the ability to talk with Judith and it was
47:32
amazing. But here are two of my favorite
47:34
quotes. One of them is from, or maybe
47:36
they're both from Undoing Gender.
47:38
They do heavy theory, so may not be the best starting point, but
47:44
I really think pushes you to like look at society differently
47:49
and not to think about things in a way that's been pushed on us
47:54
to think about things. Here's the first one quote.
47:57
When we speak about my sexuality or my gender, as we do and as we
48:02
must, we mean something complicated by it.
48:06
Neither of these is precisely a possession, but both are to be
48:11
understood as modes of being dispossessed, ways of being for
48:15
another, or indeed by virtue of another.
48:18
Sexuality is not the something that we possess, right?
48:23
It is this larger thing. Here's the last one.
48:26
Gay identities work neither to copy nor emulate
48:30
heterosexuality, but rather to expose heterosexuality as an
48:35
incessant and panicked imitation of its own naturalized
48:41
idealization. Panicked imitation.
48:47
Crazy. That heterosexuality is always
48:51
in the act of elaborating itself is evidence that it is
48:55
perpetually at risk and that it knows its own possibility of
49:00
becoming undone. And we are going to make
49:03
heterosexuality become undone because we are not.
49:06
What are we not doing? We're not conforming.
49:09
Heterosexuality makes us feel like we are other and different.
49:13
Heterosexuality is literally so socialized.
49:17
And it is is in constant threat of being undone and a society
49:23
based on it is at risk of becoming undone when we talk
49:28
about it, when we talk about homosexuality, when we talk
49:31
about gay people, when we talk about things without feeling
49:34
like we have Big Brother watching over us.
49:36
And right now, I think we currently don't.
49:39
I think we still have freedom of speech.
49:41
So let's use it while we can. And don't let Internet people
49:45
make you feel bad or stupid or gross.
49:49
OK, That's the end of my episode.
49:50
Sorry. It was like pretty much an hour
49:52
rant. I hope you guys enjoyed.
49:54
I can't believe this is my last episode here at my little set.
49:57
It was the beginning of my podcast and I'm excited for all
50:01
the things to come. Yeah, I hope you guys have an
50:03
amazing week as always. Let me know any like episode
50:08
ideas you have on YouTube, on Spotify, on TikTok, whatever,
50:12
join my Patreon. If you have any rumors you want
50:14
me to talk about in my next on the Rumor Mill episode, let me
50:19
know that too and I will rate it.
50:21
Bye, guys.