Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / "My Therapist Called Me Out and Honestly, She's Not Wrong...."

Transcript

"My Therapist Called Me Out and Honestly, She's Not Wrong...." · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: My name is Aaron, I'm your host and thank you guys so much for joining me for one more week in this awesome thing called life.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: So tonight, you know I want to have one of those conversations and I need you guys to help me out.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: You are more than welcome to be brutally honest.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: You are more than welcome to give your honest.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: You are more than welcome to give your feedback.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: You are more than welcome to call me out if need be.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: If, after listening to this episode, you have anything that you want to tell me, reach out at murders2music at gmailcom Murders the number two music at gmailcom and give it to me.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Be raw, be real, don't hold back.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: You're going to find out how others also didn't hold back and that's what brought me to where I am tonight.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: But I want to sit across that coffee table from you and I just want to talk about some stuff that I'm going through, and this is something I've been going through for a few weeks and these type of conversations used to be a lot more frequent on this show and there was a lot more that I was processing and going through, and every time I'll feel like, okay, things are kind of cruising and I'm doing okay, and then all of a sudden I realize that there's a box that's being unpacked and a bunch of life that's coming to the surface and I have to deal with, and that's kind of where I'm at.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: So, um, here's what I got going on.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Guys and girls, so you know, I this current role that I'm in, and, before I go into this, if you find yourselves in any one of these groups that I'm talking about, realize this is a me problem, not a you problem that I'm talking about.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Realize this is a me problem, not a you problem.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: So don't take offense, just hear me out.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: So this, this current job role that I'm in, this is where I first started noticing some issues or some things popping up, and here's what it is.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: So I go out on these work trips, right, my job is to build relationships.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: My job is to connect with people in my world.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Build relationships that means help them when they need help teach, educate, train dinners, cocktail hours, go do fun things with them baseball games, motorcycle trips, all that stuff.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: That is my job.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: The reason that we're in a I'm in a sales role, so the reason we're building that relationship is.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: We're building a relationship today that will hopefully turn off, turn around and pay off in sales tomorrow, and even saying that it sounds superficial and but that that is my, my current role, you know, and over the last few weeks, last month or so, I've been talking a lot to my counselor about this and we're going to get into some rather forward observations that she made and blunt observations she made of me.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: We'll get to that towards the end, but you know.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: So I'm in these roles and I'm out on these work trips and I'm on these week-long trips out of town with a group of people it could be five people, it could be ten people, whatever and as I'm on these trips, I find myself almost frustrated a little bit in those moments.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Right, you're out having dinner, you're out doing baseball games, you're out entertaining, you're having great drinks and eating great steaks and all that stuff sounds like a lot of fun.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: But I find myself in these environments like internal anxiety, getting totally worked up, and I, you know, my legs start shaking and I start looking around, I'm watching the clock, I'm thinking how much longer is this dinner going to go?
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: We're ordering one more round of drinks.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: You know, inside my inside voice, like, seriously, another round of drinks, you know.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: And so we go through all this and you're laughing and you're joking and you're, you know, laughing at their jokes that don't make any sense and engaging in conversation and just mentally you're on.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: That is the role that I'm in, and I go through these things and I find myself just anxiety worked up to the point where multiple times people in my group have reached over and like put their hand on my leg, you know, to calm me down, because my legs go at a hundred miles an hour and I really didn't know why.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: And I'm like thinking to myself, I'm like what in this environment is throwing me off, what in this environment around me is is triggering me and I hate the word triggering, but is triggering me into this high anxiety state and I couldn't put my finger on it.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: So, you know, I I have another group, I have a life group that I'm in with church and I find myself sometimes sitting in that life group, you know, and everybody's talking, and I find myself pushing myself away from the, from the group, like in our round circle of chairs, and I find myself sitting back and this is going to sound totally shallow, but like separating myself from the group and just you know, instead of being on the court, I'm on the sidelines and my leg starts going and the anxiety and I feel myself walling myself off and isolating myself from the group and insulating myself from the group and not truly understanding why that's happening.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: But there I am doing it, understanding why that's happening.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: But there I am doing it and I find myself mentally not being a part of the conversation and my leg is going and I'm high anxiety and I don't understand why.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: And it's a very similar feeling that I got when I'm out on the road doing these work trips or building these relationships.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Yet I'm supposed to be in this life group, building this relationship.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: And you know, and we're talking about God and things are good, you know they should be, but for me I'm isolated, insulated, protective.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: I'm building a wall up around me, a psychological wall, barriers to communication.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: There's not communication coming into this and there's not communication coming out of this little wall that I got around myself.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: You know, in police work I used to put barriers up and put this shield of armor on to protect myself, and I feel myself putting up walls around me but those walls aren't to protect me.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: It feels more like a prison when I'm hiding behind them, and that's exactly what I'm doing is I'm hiding behind them because I don't want to engage in the world in front of me, but I can't understand why this is happening to me.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Why do I have high anxiety response in these situations around people, this life group that I'm in?
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I have been around these people since about 2013.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: For the most part, I know them all.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: They are people I trust.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not necessarily friends with all of them because I don't know all of them to that level, but they're people that I trust.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: They're people that, if I were to.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: I've had a lot of bad experiences with life groups.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: You know any of you out in the church world has ever done small groups or anything like that.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: You got some that really gel and you got some that really don't.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I had one that really gelled back about 2004.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Since then, I've been in half a dozen of them and none of them have been good.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I haven't wanted to be in any of them and I didn't like any of the relationships.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't like the people.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: None of them really had much in common with me and there's a few individuals I like, but for the most part, you know, and it was a lot of talk about, hey, how was work today?
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, really Well, you know, I dealt with, uh, this and I would make something up that would shock their conscience so they'd stop talking to me about work, cause I don't really want to share my work stories with them, you know.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: And then I realized that they look at me like you know, I got a third eye and I'm the most intense person in the room and we you know, stacey and I ultimately exit stage, left and leave that group for whatever reason.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: This has just been the pattern.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: But this current group that I'm in, I actually like them and if I were to choose a group, this is the group that I would want to invest in.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: But yet I still sit back with this wall around me, isolating and insulating from everything that's going on, not allowing communication to pass that wall either direction.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: This truly didn't start in business relationships or in this church thing.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: This started two, three years ago.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: About the time I came out of law enforcement is when I started to notice this increase in anxiety, whether we're at birthday parties or private parties or events around people that I really don't know, kind of surface level relationships.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: I find myself getting eaten up with anxiety and needing to exit or leave or not wanting to be a part and just not enjoying myself and finding a corner to go and hide in.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: This has been a pattern that I've seen.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: This has been something I've spoken to my therapist about over the last couple of years, you know, and I think finally, it's time to try to get to the bottom as to what this is.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So, as we go through this, these therapy sessions, I'm talking about these different things.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about these different events where I felt this way and the frustration or the isolation, insulation doesn't just come to the point of like man, I got to go.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I get angry.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I get truly frustrated and angry in these circumstances and I get spun up so much that I need to leave because I'm pissed off and I just I feel this internal angst.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: My chest is tight, my heart is tight, I got a lump in my throat, I'm frustrated, I need to go.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: That's the way that I feel in these environments.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I generally have a lack of desire to connect or invest in the people that I feel in these environments, I generally have a lack of desire to connect or invest in the people that I'm around.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: You know, generally I have a trust issue with the people I'm around.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: I'm unsure why this is happening.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I don't understand it and it's frustrating to not be normal.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: It is frustrating to why can't everybody else have a relationship and I'm the asshole in the corner that can't connect with anybody.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: What is wrong with everybody?
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: That is the way I'm feeling and it's hard to feel like there's something wrong with you, like there's something wrong in your heart.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: You're so dark and negative and that nobody can relate and you can't maintain a relationship.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: That is a terrible place to be and feel.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: You know, and this was told to me by my therapist.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: She sees me regressing back to where I maybe came from, back into that, hiding behind that wall, that prison, putting myself in, holding a guard up, putting that shield of armor on for a reason that I can't truly understand, and that is a really difficult place to be in and I don't know if anybody listening has ever found themselves in this position, but I have and I need to talk through it with somebody.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: So here we are.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Let's go back to that church group, so that church group, kind of.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Here's the way our meetings go right.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Our meetings are we talk a lot about what's happening in people's weeks and then we take a little break, maybe eat some snacks, and then we come back and then we dive into whatever the sermon was the previous week and we spend, you know, 15 to 20 minutes talking about the sermon, when we've spent an hour hour and 15 minutes maybe sharing from the group, you know, and I feel like maybe there's there's not a there's not a ton of depth in what we're digging into, what we're sinking our teeth into for the purpose of being there.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So, you know, at the end of a long week, I think you know, at first my therapist and I were thinking, well, maybe at the end of a long week, you know, at the end of a long week, I think you know, at first my therapist and I were thinking, well, maybe at the end of a long week, you know, this is you have valuable time and maybe you perceive this as a waste of time because we're not getting deep into this conversation.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: It's a, you know, a general conversation about community and how everybody's doing, but when we really get to the meat of why we're there, that's a lot less depth than what you know.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'm wanting and I'm, you know, stacy and I are the last two to come into this group.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: So do I speak up or do I just sit back?
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: And so far I've chosen to sit back and we're going to come back to that a minute.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: So let's take a pin, put a pin in that and we're going to circle back to that and, um, so, as we choose, as I choose, to sit back in this group while everybody else participates, we got to understand why.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: So then we start talking about relationships and we start talking about historical relationships, individual relationships.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: You know, well, tell me about your longest friend, kind of things.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, my longest friend betrayed me.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Um, so that was rough and uh, you know then, well, honestly, I really don't have any longtime friends.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, we've got friends we've been with for a decade, but you know, we don't have any friends that, like you know, come over in their pajamas and hang out on my couch and fall asleep watching a football game.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: We don't have those types of friends.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: For years, years, I entertained people we had for a decade.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: We would entertain, you know, 30 out of the 52 weeks out of the year.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: We'd have people over and we'd be cooking food and drinks, and then we realized that it was all one-sided People were always coming to us but the phone was never ringing to go the other direction and those relationships weren't reciprocated, therefore perceived as shallow and surface level, because the relationship wasn't important enough to give back and give into.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: So we stopped doing that and I'm like I just don't kind of have time to be feeding into everybody else when nobody's feeding into me.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Especially the last couple of years coming out of law enforcement, realizing that life is short and life is.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: You know, it's got so much time you got to fit the important things in and the important people, the ones that want to use you or just come over when you're cooking a prime rib, those aren't really the people that are going to be in your corner when the chips are down.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: So you know, that's something that we thought about and we spoke about during the counseling session, you know.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: And then we continue to talk about other relationships.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about relationships and we, with the parents and the dad and went through all that, you know, and you guys heard that story, my dad.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: They got divorced when I was 13 and my dad chose money over me, you know.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: So I felt kind of abandoned there.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And then we start talking about the police department, where I've spent the majority of my adult life, and we talk about that and those relationships.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: You know you're in a relationship with these guys and girls that you work with and every day you're saving each other's lives, you're helping each other out.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: You're literally in the thick of it, you guys.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: There's a thin blue line.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: You are tied together.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: You are one and we've always got your back.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Yet I left the police department and I didn't get.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I got two phone calls the first two and a half years I was out from peersiers.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: I've got two friends at the police department.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: They both stayed in touch with me.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: The other 14 or so people that I worked with, nobody called.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Nobody called to check on me.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I was gone for two and a half three years.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Nobody ever called to check and say, hey, aaron, how are you doing?
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: I'm there one day, never to return, and I don't get a phone call asking how are you doing?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Well, I get it.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: I was told by my Lieutenant that the cogs in the wheel keep moving and this is a machine.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: And just because you remove yourself doesn't mean that the machine doesn't keep going and people are busy, you know, with their own caseloads.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: That's pretty insensitive, but I get it.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: However, you know, what I'm out with is what cops kill themselves over.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: It's why the suicide rate is so high.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Do you realize that four cops in Houston, texas, killed themselves in one week?
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: This was just two weeks ago.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: The rate of suicide amongst law enforcement officers because of PTSD and the stuff they experience on the job, or the deterioration of themselves because of the job that's what causes them to put a gun in their mouth and end their lives.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: It's absolutely absurd.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: The rate of suicide among law enforcement officers and the situation I was dealing with at the time was the crisis that drives cops, including myself, to put a gun in their mouth.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Yet nobody called so.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: As we're talking about that kind of a light bulb goes off the relationship that I built with the people who would literally have my back and fight for my life.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: At the end of the day, perception is reality.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: At the end of the day, perception is reality, and lack of phone calls, lack of interest in how I'm doing, showed me that that was a pretty surface-level relationship at the end of the day.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: So I sink 21 years into building relationships, into this law enforcement world and, at the end of the day, I'm not worthy of a phone call to check on me.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: That hurts, you know.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: You already feel like you're on an island.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: So if I look back at the relationships where all I do is entertain and provide and feed and there's no reciprocation, and I look at this law enforcement thing where there's no reciprocation, no care, no interest to follow up and check on me, why do I want to spend time building surface level relationships?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: So that translates back to where I am.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: When I'm out at these functions and these birthday parties around people I don't know.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: There's people in the room.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: I don't really know them.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: The last thing and I'm not thinking about this cognitively, but hindsight being 2020, post therapy, and thinking things through and breaking this down.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: You know I don't inside I'm not thinking about this cognitively, but hindsight being 2020, post-therapy, and thinking things through and breaking this down.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: You know I don't inside I'm frustrated with surface level relationships and having no depth and I don't have time or interest in doing so.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: So I would rather push away than try to invest time, energy and trust into something that's really just going to turn around and shit on me down the road.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: So if I'm at this birthday party that has got great drinks and everything is paid for, and I'm sitting in a corner, walled off, wanting to leave and run away from the situation, well, why is that?
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Well, that's because I don't inside.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I don't have time for surface level relationships and I don't want to sit here and chit chat, small talk.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: I want something deeper and I'm not getting it.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: I've always wanted these deep-seated friendships and I have very, very few of them.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: So then we think about the police or not the police.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: But the current job that I'm in, my whole job, is to build surface level relationships, and that doesn't mean that I'm not going to connect with the few where it goes deeper, naturally and organically.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: But the mindset I had, and had you know had, is I'm going to look at this and I.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: My job is to build a relationship, to sell something, to help them out when they need help.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, I'm helping them fix X problem and they only call me when they need me, kind of like the people that eat my food.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: They only pick up the phone and call when they need something.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I solve their problem and I never hear from them again until they want me to buy them lunch or something like that.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: So again, surface level relationships.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Why am I getting anxious and high anxiety at these different events?
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: When I'm out on these travel events surrounded by these people for 10, 12 hours a day, it's because inside I don't have the energy to build a surface level, superficial relationship and I'm being forced into this position and it's frustrating to me.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: And the only thing I have to draw from is that every time I invest they're never there for me in the end.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: So why continue to expend the energy?
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: They have never been there when I've needed them.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: That is the deep-seated genesis of my problem and why I don't have the energy to invest or don't want to invest the energy.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: So, thinking about that, you can probably see where I'm going in the church group.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I find myself not having a ton in common with the people around me.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: They're all nice people.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I have a ton in common with them.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: So instead of investing the energy and time to get to know them and understand what they're about and find where we do have those organic natural connections and allow relationships to develop, I would rather wall off, isolate, insulate, sit back, listen, judge, do whatever.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: I do, you know, put myself in this little personal prison, if you will, and wait for the hour and a half to be up, to go home and feel like I'm checking a box.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: So to recap, I'm not into surface level relationships.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not into relationships that don't reciprocate and give back to me.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of wasting my time and energy to build relationships that, at the end of the day, it's a take, take, take and there's no give.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: That is not a relationship.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: That is a one-sided feed fest where I'm providing for others, I'm expending my energy, they're soaking it up and giving nothing in return.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of that.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: That is the common thread amongst all of these issues that I'm having.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: So I'm talking about this with my therapist and I'm like you know, what are your thoughts essentially?
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: And we were talking specifically about the life group and the church group and I said, well, what are your thoughts?
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: And she said, uh, well, first, I think the problem is your crappy attitude.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: And it kind of took me back and I'm like what do you mean crappy attitude?
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: And you know I'm, I'm the victim in all of this and she's like you know God has given you, aaron, what drives you to do what you did in law enforcement, and I'm like super easy helping others, being there for them, investing in them, showing love, compassion, care, changing their life, impacting them at a deep, deep level.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: That is why I did what I did, helping them in ways that nobody else can, and she's like, in short, well, why aren't you doing that in the rest of your life?
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Why are you looking at this from I can only do those things in a law enforcement context instead of taking a look at it from where does God see you?
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Right now and I know this is me speaking I know that God has put me into these positions for a reason.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: I know that I have connected with people at work and people in life group on a personal level because God has put us together.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: I truly believe that, but I still have that guard up as to I could only do it.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: That's why I used to, you know, do what I did so well is because I would connect with people on a personal level and she's like God has got you where he wants you so you can do those things every single day.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: Every person you contact, they're all living a facade face as well.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Every person you contact has put on the strong face, the brave face, to go out into the world.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Face the world smile, do their job, get it done and do it with a smile when inside they could be crumbling and crushed.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: You'll never know that because you're not taking the opportunity to reach out and connect with these people beyond the surface.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: You know my words.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: That's my fault.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Shame on me for not looking at this from a perspective as to what God would have me to do in these circumstances and why he has me.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: There is is where I'm at the end of my road.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I would be foolish to say, yep, I'm going to be here forever.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I thought I was going to be a cop forever and look what happened.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: So I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'll never get to tomorrow until I get through today.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: And I think that, uh, that eye opening, slap in the face, crappy attitude comment.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I've, you know, I've thought about that for two weeks now.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: That was a comment that woke me up and made me think maybe this is me, you know, and that that comment came.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: I was traveling for three weeks, three weeks in a row, and I had two weeks of travel, that comment.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: I traveled for a week and I was back in therapy basically the day I got back.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: So the first two weeks I'm an anxious mess and my legs going a hundred miles an hour and I'm looking at this from a surface level relationship.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: I don't have time, I'm checking a box.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: These people really don't care about me.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: What was me?
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: Crappy attitude, you know, poop filter, that's what I'm looking through.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: And uh, then I go on this last trip, after her comment.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: I go on this last trip and I decide you know what?
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I'm going to find an opportunity to engage into the people around me.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: I'm going to find an opportunity to be different, look at life differently and I'm going to choose to be in the driver's seat of where I'm at.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: God has put me here for a reason and it's up to me to contact and impact everybody along my way.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: You know, if you're going to walk in the rain and you have to get from point A to point B, and that might be three or four miles and it's pouring rain If you walk and you're frustrated because you have to walk in the rain have to walk in the rain are the operative words and you get to your destination.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: You'll get there, but you're going to be soaking wet, you're going to be cold, you're going to be frustrated, you're going to be upset.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: However, you know you have to get to the final destination.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: So what if you choose to walk in the rain?
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: What if you're like you know what, I'm going to go out and walk in the rain and it's going to be awesome, I'm going to get there, it'll be something fun to look back on.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Now you're in the driver's seat of that and your attitude when you arrive at your destination is going to be a lot different.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: So for me, this last week of travel, I chose to be in the driver's seat and you know what it impacted me and hit me different.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: It hit me in a way that was awesome.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: I got to connect with people along the way, all right.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: So let me say that a different way.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: So let's say you've got that coworker right and maybe you guys can wrap your mind around this You've got that coworker that you work with all the time and you guys do some things outside of the office together and do some happy hours and that type of stuff and get together and drink wine on the weekends a little bit and one day in the office, you know, you ask that coworker hey, why, why?
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: Why are you my friend?
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: And that coworker can respond with well, you know, I'm your friend because we work together and we have some stuff in common, and that is an acceptable answer on the surface.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: But how much more powerful is it when that person says well, you know what, I'm your friend because I choose you as a friend.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: You are a, you are a good person and I choose to have you be a valuable part of my life.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: It's so much more impactful when you choose something, not because you have to, not because it's the circumstances you're in, and it's a superficial relationship.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: No, you have choice and I choose to make you my friend and I choose to invest in our relationship as the recipient of that.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: For me, it would be so much more powerful to realize that somebody chooses to be my friend than I'm your friend because of the circumstances.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know, here's something else I was traveling with somebody for the week one of our factory people and when you travel with somebody every single day, you know and for example, I was in Alaska we had about a day and a half of travel, so I had about three and a half days on the ground doing what I do.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: In three and a half days we had 22 meetings and we were in front of 54 people five, four people, presentations, ceus, lunch and learns architects, engineers, designers, contractors, distributors everybody.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: We were in front of a lot of different audiences over three and a half days.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: When you travel with somebody, it takes all the time.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: If what you have to do sits within the page that you're writing on, right, that's what you have to do.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: The margins is where you find your time for rest and relaxation.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: The margin might be driving down the road to the next call, it might be grabbing a Starbucks coffee and just taking a breath for a second.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: But when you're traveling with somebody, you don't have those margins because you're on all the time and you've always got somebody there, so you're always engaged in conversation or work or talk or entertainment or whatever it may be.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: So this week, even as I'm traveling, with no margins, somebody shadowing me the whole time.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: 54 people, different meetings, different topics, different presentations, different PowerPoints a great opportunity to be frustrated with high anxiety.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: I did not notice my anxiety one time.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: I enjoyed every minute of every day and it was just a different outlook on life.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: It was a little bit of a breakthrough that my crappy attitude was keeping me from progressing.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: You know, and as I look at these relationships that I, you know, that have been building through church or through the work or whatever it may be, that have been superficial.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: The only one really keeping them superficial is me.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: It was nobody else.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: And as I'm even talking about this, I'm like having epiphanies.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: This is a me problem, not a them problem, which it typically is Every time I find myself in some shit show of life.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: If I really break it down, it's a me issue, not a you issue or a them issue.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: And it was me that was keeping me here.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: So I got to think is it me somehow that has been resistive all of these years to these other relationships?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Is it me that when I feel somebody is not reciprocating, instead of leaning in with love and compassion and finding out where they are and where their heart is, I shut them out and I push them away.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I almost guarantee I've done that.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: That's just my go-to.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: If you don't want to give back, I don't feel like giving to you.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: See, ya, and the phone calls stop.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Well, maybe they got something going on in their world and I haven't even been a good enough friend to reach out and ask what it is.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe their backpack is full and they just can't take another day and instead of me being considerate and figuring out what's going on in their world, all I can think about is what's going on in mine.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: Woe is me.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: I'm shafted again by another friend.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: What a crappy place to be and, as my therapist said, what a crappy attitude to have.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: So as we look at that life group, I sit back in a prison, I sit back behind a wall with a crappy attitude, failing to engage, failing to share the love that God has given me, failing to share the insight, and maybe, in a situation like that, where my complaint is we're not going deep enough, maybe it takes an outside set of eyes to look at that situation and be like you know what?
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: Hey guys, I'm relatively new to this group, but let's consider this.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: We're here for these reasons.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: It would be awesome if we could really dig in and learn more from each other, and you know, doing that is going to build relationships at a heart level, at a Christ level, and we're going to be able to get further and deeper into this context or these conversations and really see where it's at, versus scratching the surface.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: You know, and shame on me for not stepping up and saying that to these, you know, to people, and not stepping out and being like, hey, let's just take the mask off for a second.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: The fake front of everything is great in my life.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: How you know, jimmy, how are you really doing, man, anything I can do for you?
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Can I anything I can do?
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I've never done that because all I've been looking at is surface, you know.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: One thing she asked me was why do you do your podcast?
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: And I said well, it gives me an outlet to help others and you know I can be my true and authentic self and share my story.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: Help others.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: Hopefully somebody grabs and gleams onto something that's educational, entertaining, provides value and they can find some purpose in what I'm talking about.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: And the ironic thing is I do that on this podcast, yet in my day-to-day relationships I avoid it.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: I avoid those connections, I avoid sharing the love in person that I'm sharing on this podcast, because I feel that any direct input I would have with people around me it's not going to pay off.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: So why even try?
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: What a bad attitude for me.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: What a crappy, crappy way to live and try.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: What a bad attitude for me.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: What a crappy, crappy way to live.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: You know, and we talk about therapy and, like I said, you know, early on, when I started this whole PTSD thing, I thought therapy was a joke, I thought it was a thing for somebody else and, um, you know, I don't need to talk to anybody, you need to talk to somebody.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: Man, it's little gold nuggets like this that have really changed my world and changed the way that I see things.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: You know, it's pretty awesome.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: I've learned that in these relationships that I'm in and in this day to day that I'm in and these encounters that I'm in you know, not everything is going to be the way that it used to be, but the good that was there and the gifts that God gave me to sit down in an interview room with a homicide suspect, strip all the baggage and BS off and you know what he or she did, and you know I'm the cop and I'm better than you strip all that away and speak at a human level.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: That is a gift that was given to me and yet I've failed to use it in my day to day where God has me today and sitting back with a crappy attitude keeps me from fully engaging in life and being my true and authentic self.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: You know, life is a choice.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: It's a decision we have to make each and every day on how we're going to approach a situation or a heartache, or and I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to myself right now or a heartache or an obstacle or a hurdle, or maybe we don't want to be doing what we're doing, or, you know, whatever it is, life is a choice on how we see that and how we perceive it, and sometimes it takes somebody else saying, hey, you got a crappy attitude.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Better check yourself and look at it from a different angle to really wake us up.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: Like I said a moment ago in police work, the walls that I put up were for protection and recently the walls I've been putting up have been more like a prison.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: They've been somewhere for me to hide behind, judge and peer out of my little tiny bar covered windows to peek out at the world, judge what's me?
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: And then retreat to my place of safety.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: Well, no more.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: The walls are down, no more crappy attitude, and thank you, if you're listening, for calling me out.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you got anything out of this or not.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: Maybe you can relate, maybe you can relate, maybe you can't.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're not even listening anymore, but I hope you can.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: It's been a pretty pivotal time for me because, like I said, I thought things were good, right, I thought everything was awesome and I didn't realize that I was regressing.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that I was sinking back into my old ways.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: And how many other ways has that affected me?
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: How many other, how many other people have seen the crappy attitude and just not called me out?
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: How many other ways am I going back to my old, you know, introverted, protective self that you know?
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: Like I've said in the past, I was a complete a-hole and you know and I didn't even notice it, my therapist did.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: I'm sure my family has.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: My friends have probably noticed a change, because now that I think about it, I totally see the change Again.
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: It just takes somebody pointing out and somebody brave enough to say hey, you know, consider this, this is what I'm seeing from the outside.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: How do you feel about that?
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: That's all it takes.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: So now what?
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: Now I've identified it and everything's going to be better, right?
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: No, because there's still some darkness.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: There's still some frustration and some resentment and some unforgiven relationships that are in my heart.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: You know, I still hold resentment towards the police department as a whole, the individuals who didn't connect.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: You know, I hold resentment towards those relationships that we used to feed and entertain and never gave back, and that resentment is what has kept me from growing and probably building the relationships that I really want, because I'm so guarded and scared to give in.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: So what do you do with that?
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: I think that this is a God issue for me.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's not for you, maybe you have enough in you to be like you know what I forgive and I'm done, but for me it's heavy on me and I need, you know, I need to take that in prayer and ask for help.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: You know and let that.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to forget those things, but I can't hold the resentment and the grudge, if you will.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: You know it is what it is and this may sound so superficial to you guys.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: You may be like Aaron.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: Stop your whining, you know.
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: And this may sound so superficial to you guys.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: You may be like Aaron.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: Stop your whining, you know.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: But to me.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: Now that I've identified what it is, I got to deal with it.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: So I'm praying for a different heart and a different outlook, and forgiveness and love, and that's what I'm doing next.
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's what I'm working on, that's my current world.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: This is real life crap.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: This isn't like, oh, I'm going to tell a story about a cop thing that happened.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: This is real life.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: This is me today.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, in the weeks coming up, I have some pretty awesome stuff.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be doing an interview with an amazing guy who is the most famous guy that I've ever had on the show.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: He's an author of a couple of bestselling books.
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: He has a story to tell that each and every one of you will be able to connect with.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: You'll find it entertaining, you will find some value in it and you will be like holy crap, I had no idea.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: Super awesome interview coming up.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: I won't tell you who it is, but if you Google him, you're going to get pages and pages and pages of information about him.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: That's coming up in the future.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: It's pretty cool and I'm looking forward to doing that interview.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening, sticking around.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you for pointing out my crappy attitude.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: You were right and that is a Merged to Music podcast.