Latest / All About The Joy / Carmen Talk - Recognizing Toxic People, Letting Go, and Embracing What's Next

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Carmen Talk - Recognizing Toxic People, Letting Go, and Embracing What's Next · All About The Joy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome to All About the Joy.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is Carmen Talk and I'm Carmen Lisette, your host, and I have an interesting conversation that I want to share.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: I'm a big preacher of moving yourself away from toxicity.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I say it all the time and I've become quite the master of it.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize this until maybe about 10 years ago, but I mention it because having this kind of skill can be life-saving, and it was definitely life-saving for me as a kid and now as an adult.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: It just helps me keep my peace.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: So the other night I was talking to a friend of mine and he said that it was not so easy to see toxicity and he asked me what were the signs, and I thought this was such a great question that no one's ever asked me before.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: So I thought about it a little bit and let me tell you what I think are clear triggers that you might be around toxicity.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: So this is just my take on it, but I feel like it's a good one.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: So the first one it's really how you feel.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: How you feel is a good indication.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: How you feel around someone is a great kind of way to understand whether or not you're around toxicity, because if you feel comfortable around someone, if you feel nurtured around someone, you're not going to have that weird angst and stress and sinking feeling that you get.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean that no matter what you say, no matter what you do, this person is going to blame you or demean you or talk to you in a condescending tone.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: So it's a pretty good sign that you're around toxicity.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I call it my spidey sense.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: You need to trust your spidey sense and let me give an example of what it might feel like.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: If you can remember this as a kid, when you were in school and look and I got in trouble quite often, so I don't know if it was quite often, but if you ever got in trouble in school and you had to go to the principal's office and you had that sense of stress and knowing that you're about to be blamed for something, no matter what the reason is, no matter what the explanation, it's kind of this weird mix of fear, the unknown, and just total frustration that no one's going to hear you.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: It's that same kind of feeling, but just an adulthood.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: So trust your spidey sense.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: If you don't feel great around somebody, if you don't feel good around somebody, start trusting that gut instinct and realize this may be a toxic relationship you have with this person.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: So that's number one.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Number two when you are around somebody who can't let something go, somebody who keeps harping on something, they keep bringing up something from the past to explain anything and everything, and everything that's going wrong in their life has something to do with some incident that happened years ago or months ago, or whatever it is, depending on the subject.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: They're always negative.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: They're always looking to blame someone.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: And look, we all hold on to trauma to a certain extent and we have to be able to walk through that.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So I didn't realize for a long time that I had a trauma about not being able to pursue a dancing career as a kid, and until you understand that there is some sadness to that that you have to unlock and walk through.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: We all have to walk through trauma in that way and get to the other side of it.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: The problem is with people who are toxic.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: They haven't worked through their problems, so instead what they do is they find a problem that they're, you know, pretending is the issue, so that they can blame you or blame other people over and over and over again.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: And so they're very negative and they're always trying to inflict pain by bringing up something that happened long ago that, in the big scheme of things, really is not that big of a deal.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So again I have to go back to when I was a kid to give you an example, because I remember this clear as day.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Do you remember when you had, like that friend who would get mad at you for something and then eventually realize, no, this isn't somebody, I want to be my friend.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So you tried to walk away from them, but then all they kept doing was like trying to talk about you, they would stalk you, they would try to hate on you, they would try to bully you.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I mean, it was just ridiculous.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: They were always acting a fool.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Adults do this all the time.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: They do it.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: It's the same kind of thing.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Like they cannot accept that you're trying to walk away from them, so they keep on bullying you.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing it's a mast.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: It's a mast behind being a mature person or being a person of authority, but it's the same thing.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: So it could be your boss.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: It could be your boss who's being kind of a bully or being kind of unkind and bringing up some project that didn't work out months ago with the team and they keep bringing it up over and over and over again and it's that same thing and I remember it as a kid specifically because they'd be like, yeah, this isn't someone I want to be my friend.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: And the minute I stopped talking to them or hanging out with them, then they became this negative, nasty, toxic person.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: So it's the same kind of feeling.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: So someone who can't let go of something, somebody who keeps harping on stuff from the past, somebody who keeps bringing up old stuff to deal with what's going on today, to deal with their own negativity, to deal with why people have walked away from them, why you've walked away from them, why maybe you don't want to hang out with them anymore.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: That's a clear sign that that's toxicity.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: That person is toxic.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Find a way to get away from them.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Now, the easiest person I think these are the easiest people that I find right away who are toxic, and I always walk away as quickly as possible.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I call them the gossipers.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: So these are so easy to spot because they always do the backhanded compliment.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: So they always do this thing where they put people down in order to lift themselves up.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: So I know that sounds very cliche, but let me just give you a great example.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: It's always the person that'll say this like, yeah, she's pretty, but it's because she has Botox.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Or the newest thing on TikTok I've noticed is people are like, well, anybody can be pretty if they're rich.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I don't think that's really true, but I love that.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: That's like the new thing.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Listen, people who always say this person is XYZ, but so it starts with a positive and then has a but and then it's a negative.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: Those are very toxic people because what they're doing is putting someone else down to lift themselves up.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: So and let me tell you, if you say to me somebody is pretty, but I am absolutely sure, 100% that that person is pretty as fuck, you know what I mean.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Like whatever you say after the but I realize that the first part is probably true.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: So people who gossip and are constantly putting people down in order to lift themselves up and are going out of their way to do backhanded compliments, those people toxic, those are the easiest people for me to find.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I can point those people within two seconds and I do my best to get away from them, because their whole motivation is jealousy.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Everything that they do is about being jealous of other people, right, and look it, that's the thing about toxicity.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: The hate is really about the person themselves who is being toxic.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: So if you're doing backhanded compliments and you're doing things that always end with a but or with some sermon on your part, it's because you really really have some difficulties with your own self regarding whatever it is that person has that you don't have, right?
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: So this brings me to my next thing, because you can see how I changed the tense there a little bit.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you we are all people who are toxic to somebody I know.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Let me say that again.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Remember that we can all be toxic to someone else.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Look at, this is a world of eight billion people, I believe.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: I believe we're at eight billion people on the planet at this point and not everyone is going to like us.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: That's an impossibility.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know why people think everybody's supposed to like you.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I actually think it's the opposite.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Only a few people are going to like me.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I'm lucky if I get along with people who are in my area or in my world.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I feel blessed for that.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: But I don't expect everyone I walk into or talk to or deal with to like me.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Here's the thing Betty White, who I assume most people would say was a lovable, likable person on the planet.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: People had issues with her back in the day, especially with Arthur Duncan.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: If you don't know who Arthur Duncan is, google it.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: But my point is you're not going to be liked by everybody.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: So you are, in fact, somebody who can be toxic to other people and if you think about it that way, you can understand that people are not intentionally being toxic towards you.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: They are just trying to work through something that they haven't figured out yet, right?
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: So remember that sometimes being human means trying to figure out who you are in the world.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: And you know what?
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Everyone isn't supposed to be part of my tribe, everyone isn't supposed to be part of my circle, and that's okay.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: So walk in compassion when you realize that someone is toxic.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Let them be, let them do what they have to do.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you there are people to Since I was a kid.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: There are people to this day who talk about me in such negative ways and we talk in like 20, 30 years ago because they think I was better than they were at.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is, they've decided that I was a snob about or snooty about or I think I'm better than blah, blah, blah.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: I went to college and in my hood, in my neighborhood, there were people who knocked me down for going to college, because I forgot where I came from.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I think I'm too good for people.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: These are toxic people.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I never said anything about them not going to college.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I never compared myself to them or thought I was better than anyone else.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: Because I decided to go to college or I had the opportunity, I should say, because I don't think it was a decision, it was I had the opportunity to go to college, whereas they may not have had that opportunity and they slammed me.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: To this day.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I don't talk to people because they think that because I speak a certain way or I do a certain thing, or because I'm quote, unquote edumacated I would say edumacated because funny that I'm snooty or I think I'm better than they are.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: That's their drama, that's not mine, that's their trauma.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: But I realize that I can't help people figure out that I'm a good person.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: That's not my job on the planet.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: You don't like me.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: You, you're going to behave a certain way around me to bring me down.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'm not going to be part of your world Right.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I don't want that toxicity.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I don't want negativity in my life.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: But I also realize that sometimes who I am and how I speak and how fierce I am about the things that I'm believing, and know that that rubs people the wrong way.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: And so, therefore, they turn around and they're like you know what?
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: I can't deal with her.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: She is this, this, that.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: So I come off as toxic to them.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: That's cool.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: When people want to walk away from you, let them see it as a blessing oh my God, see it as a cleansing.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Don't fight with them.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Don't try to prove yourself to them.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Don't try to argue with people and make your point, no matter what.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Like you can't force people to be your friend.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: You cannot force yourself in people's lives if they don't want you in their life.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Allow the ability for you to be free from those people.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Because let me tell you this the minute I let go of people in my life who are toxic and there's a lot of them from my childhood, a lot of people who I wanted to love me, like me, be with me, be my friends, protect me, secure me, do all the things that a kid wants with adults in their lives the minute I stopped fighting a battle that wasn't going to be won, because these people did not like me, did not care for me, did not give too sense about where I was or what was happening to me.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: The minute I let that go, all these other people flooded into my life.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I'm not exaggerating.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I could see all the people who were there with their hands out ready to hug me and embrace me and say you know what we got you?
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: And it's the same thing in adulthood the minute you realize that not everybody is supposed to be in your life, you can just go to work and do your job and leave work.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: You don't worry about whether or not somebody likes you or doesn't like you, because you're there to get a paycheck.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Or you can do whatever you need to do to allow certain people into your life and certain people out of your life, and you may miss some people Like.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: There are some people that I do miss.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: They were friends of mine.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: We used to hang out all the time and now we don't, and nothing bad or horrible happened.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: But I realized you know what.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: They don't want me in their life anymore.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Vaya con Dios, right, send them a blessing and be like you know what.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I'm here if you need me and if you don't, that's good too.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep you in a space of love and joy and possibility and I wish you well in your life.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: But you let those people go and then inevitably other people walk into your life, or one other person walks into your life, or you notice the people that are there, and let me say something about relationships of divorce and love and whatever boyfriend and girlfriends.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: I think those are the hardest ones, and the things that break my heart the most is and you know, people who are in the midst of this cannot see it, but people who are years away from it, years away after divorce, can understand it, even if they don't agree.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Listen, someone that you loved and decided to have children with, or somebody that you loved and decided to live with and marry or whatever it is.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Whatever the situation is and this is the hard part you need to come to a place of understanding that it's okay that they can no longer be in your life.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: But the amount of hatred and negativity and anger that people have in divorce, for whatever reason, really is only hurting you.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: You know like and I know people are listening to this and probably screaming at me at the moment, but let me tell you, no one can take away or ruin your joy.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: No one can.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Sure, there are things happening externally to us all the time.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: There are things that we cannot control, that are horrible and terrible, and we have to deal with it.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: That's about happiness and sadness.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: That is not about your sense of joy and your sense of okayness in the world.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: You control all of that.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: So be careful about how much toxicity you generate yourself by the amount of hate you have for someone you once loved, cared for.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: And God, if they are the other parent to your children.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Please put that in check.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Now, that's a side note to all of this, but I'm just saying we also create toxicity all the time we do.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: We're humans.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: We're human beings.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: We're in a process all the time.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: And why do I feel the authority on talking about this?
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: Because I've been through it all already and unluckily or luckily for me is, you know, as a kid I had to go through a lot of this and I was blessed with a gift of learning the lessons as quickly as possible and implementing them.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: So I'm sharing them with you.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, anyways, I hope this helps in some way, shape or form.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear anyone's point of view on this.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: And remember, you know, being able to see toxicity is one thing, but learning to deal with it is a whole other ballgame.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: But the first step is noticing what toxic is Toxicity in other people and toxicity in yourself.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: So maybe I'll write a blog on how to deal with toxicity in the future, but the first step was today to kind of be able to see it.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: So I hope that helps and until next time, but remember, it really is, and I hate to be so cliche, but I cannot help it it really is all about the joy.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Bye, thanks for stopping by.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: All about the joy.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Be better and stay beautiful folks.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Have a sweet day.