Latest / God + Mental Health Podcast / How High Performers Can Set Boundaries Without Guilt, with Dr. Jessica Houston

Transcript

How High Performers Can Set Boundaries Without Guilt, with Dr. Jessica Houston · God + Mental Health Podcast

0:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Hello and welcome you are listening to the god and mental health podcast.
0:03
[SPEAKER_01]: My name is Roslyn and I'm so excited to be back in front of the microphone with you this week I have a wonderful and exciting interview that I'm so excited to share with y'all I have the amazing Dr. Jessica Houston here She is going to talk to us about her story a lot about her work today And I hope that we have a really good conversation because I think you all are really going to enjoy it.
0:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So hi Dr.
0:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that you are a keynote speaker and self leadership strategist.
0:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that you're based in Atlanta.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So why don't you come and tell us a little bit about yourself a little bit about your work?
0:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to start there.
0:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, so I have a very very layered story like somewhere ever girl.
0:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Starting from out, I'll start from being 17 years old, entering college, finding myself in a physically abusive relationship with a star player of the football team staying in that relationship for six years.
1:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's no other way to say it.
1:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I just found myself constantly settling because I didn't like myself.
1:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like the person I saw when I looked in the mirror.
1:14
[SPEAKER_00]: So I did well, make good grades.
1:16
[SPEAKER_00]: That's how I made the college a year early.
1:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I literally always did what I was supposed to do.
1:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But I still found myself struggling with low self confidence.
1:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I found myself settling.
1:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't until really the birth of my daughter that I started to get confidence and I thought like, I don't want her to have this experience.
1:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want her to look in the mirror and tear herself apart.
1:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like my skin tone, I didn't like my nose.
1:46
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like nothing.
1:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like anything about myself.
1:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of people were like, what?
1:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, yeah, and it took me a long time to get there.
1:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But then once I had my daughter, I was like, okay, it's time for you to work on yourself.
1:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, that's really when my transformation changed.
2:01
[SPEAKER_00]: But let me even circle back to this because this is like a blessing within the blessing.
2:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So first of all, I was struggling with infertility when I got married.
2:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So okay.
2:10
[SPEAKER_00]: So just having my daughter was a blessing.
2:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had said, okay, well, I'm going to go to a fertility specialist.
2:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to do.
2:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, the day I was supposed to go back to get what they call an IUI
2:27
[SPEAKER_00]: the day before that that I was pregnant with my daughter.
2:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, um, that that's how she came along.
2:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I was going to try to handle it myself.
2:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And that didn't happen.
2:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I have two kids.
2:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, issue really the second time around.
2:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
2:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Herogen spoke to a fertility specialist.
2:43
[SPEAKER_00]: They were like, you got a 5% chance of carrying a child on your own.
2:47
[SPEAKER_00]: You probably need to get donor eggs.
2:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was discouraged.
2:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, I was like, okay, God, this is on you.
2:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, for sure, because you know, I was just stressed.
2:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I was sad.
2:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I was all of the things and a few months after that, that was December.
3:02
[SPEAKER_00]: February I was pregnant.
3:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, Eric, my baby, you know, full term.
3:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So, like, listen, I just got a shout, shout, god out, because I know for, I know, right?
3:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Man can say what he want to say, but when he did that, that first miracle, I was like, wow,
3:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that, so tell us a little bit about how you got into your work and how from that transformation of course having kids.
3:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I feel like having kids transforms every woman and I feel like we get to really see who we want to be as parents in our kids.
3:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So tell me how like that transformation and like the work you did on your inner self, like changed into how you got into the work that you're doing now.
3:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Well because I
3:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I always have these conversations with God and he said, I need you to be open and honest about your struggles.
3:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And he tests me with my first book, which is titled Women's Secrets.
4:00
[SPEAKER_00]: It's time to stop suffering in silence.
4:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I...
4:04
[SPEAKER_00]: habit of, you know, always carrying this smile, always just everybody thought I had it all together and that's like far from the truth.
4:12
[SPEAKER_00]: That was I was dealing with so many things.
4:13
[SPEAKER_00]: The infertility to low, like I had all these things going on, low self confidence, just childhood traumas, all those things that I had gone through and it was like it's time for you to have these conversations.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I was like, OK, I'm going to write a book.
4:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't realize that it meant starting a business.
4:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's how it all started because I'm a researcher.
4:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, OK, so let me see what all do I need to do.
4:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And everything I read was like, well, if you're writing a book, you need to have a platform.
4:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh, and then you got to have this and you, I'm like, well, I might as well start.
4:45
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's how my business started.
4:47
[SPEAKER_00]: It started from me being obedient to writing a book and then it turned into a business.
4:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So how did you get to the point where you were really confident about sharing your story?
4:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think that for a lot of people, especially those of us who might feel a lot of shame around who we are, our identity, our story, we may not even feel bold enough to tell anyone little long right of book.
5:11
[SPEAKER_01]: walk me through the process of how you had to get that out of you and also be honest with God about the shame that she felt ensharing with that out loud.
5:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So Lutely, because one of the things my mom said over and over was what happens in this house and you already know the risk.
5:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
5:28
[SPEAKER_01]: What happened?
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But for my other brothers and sisters, it's whatever happens as hell stays in this house.
5:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
5:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
5:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So, very private upbringing, very, so, of course, I was not supposed to ever talk about all of the things that happened.
5:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I was supposed to talk about the poverty about the...
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: childhood sexual abuse like I wasn't supposed to talk about any of that as so it was very very challenging for me to do that because I had this mask on and everybody just knew me as Jessica and they didn't know all of the things that I was really carrying but I knew I had to be obedient because when when I'm when God wakes me up at 3 a.m. for a.m.
6:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I might oh yeah he ain't playing with me like this is not a will you write the book?
6:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so when you're like, when you're a key experiencing property, you are first hand experiencing survival mode.
6:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Talk to us a little bit about that.
6:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, so how did you even know it was survival mode?
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not know being a social worker actually helped me realize how much trauma I actually endured as a kid.
6:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there were times when we were in trauma training and I was just in tears because I was like, I carried all of that.
6:43
[SPEAKER_00]: like, according to them, like, I shouldn't even be like in my right mental state based on everything I endured just as a kid.
6:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, we were homeless.
6:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know.
6:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought homelessness was somebody out there pushing a cart.
6:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I didn't realize, though, if you were addicted and you're staying with aunt so-and-so, because you all don't have anywhere to go, you were homeless.
7:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I didn't realize that until I was a full-grown
7:10
[SPEAKER_00]: working as a school social worker.
7:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And I learned that it's homeless.
7:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I was home like so I didn't even know I didn't even realize how much I had gone through as a kid.
7:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It was need being a social worker and learning about trauma and poverty and homelessness.
7:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I realized, oh, and I domestically like I saw all of this fighting, it was just so much I carried.
7:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And I still made good grades because one I was very afraid of my
7:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
7:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me just say that I was very afraid of my mom, but like when I thought about what I carried what I saw and how I was still resilient enough to make good grades and not give my mom any problems and not be a problem at school, I was like, wow.
7:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so how did that feel finding out as an adult?
7:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And then from that, what did you realize that was how did those things condition you as you became an adult?
8:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Because when we like, I know for myself, having hit witness for many things as a kid, of course, I never experienced homelessness, but certain different traumas that I experienced, really conditioned who I was as an adult and how I saw the world.
8:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So it talks to me a little bit about what happened for you when you realize that as an adult.
8:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, also what did you discover, like where the conditions, where the conditioning that occurred because of that.
8:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Gosh, it's so layer.
8:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But one of the things I discovered was that my mom did the best that she could.
8:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, if she could have put me in a better situation, she would have.
8:42
[SPEAKER_00]: like I realized that education is what really helped me to break that cycle of generational poverty like going to school and getting a degree and as you see I just kept going but like I realized like that's what stopped the cycle for me and I realized that being in lack or things that I still
9:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I was in such a place of lack that even when I had money, even though I had it now, like, I don't have to worry about, I'm gonna get it, but it'll be like, oh, this is a thousand dollars.
9:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, it's like, it's like,
9:21
[SPEAKER_00]: But why are you hyperventilating?
9:24
[SPEAKER_00]: But it was like, I don't like to run out of things because I'm like, I lived for so long without that if I see something getting low, it's like, oh, it's like, it's like you said this conditioning of lack and I started to
9:40
[SPEAKER_00]: not expect good things to happen to me.
9:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh good.
9:43
[SPEAKER_00]: This conversation with my sister and it was like, yeah, because if something good happened, I was looking around like, what is this the joke?
9:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I was so conditioned for survival, for stress, for lack.
9:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So I wasn't expecting good things.
9:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't expecting blessings.
9:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't.
10:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was like, I was literally working against what I said I
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to sit there for a second because I think sometimes especially in the faith we believe that or even as a as a therapist and talking to clients I feel like there is this feeling that maybe God doesn't want this for us and is some way we believe that not understanding that we might be having a visual reaction from trauma.
10:28
[SPEAKER_01]: and not knowing that we have been conditioned.
10:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And when I say conditioned y'all, it's basically like a repetitiveness over time, creates a behavior.
10:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's you are behaving based off of what you saw, behaving based off of what you experience, not knowing that we're reacting at a survival.
10:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So I want to sit there for a second.
10:46
[SPEAKER_01]: How did that play out in your relationship with God?
10:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Because when we're conditioned like this, he almost has to undo that belief and then almost retrain us to believe in the way the kingdom operates.
11:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And those can battle against each other for a while.
11:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So talk to me about how that was for you.
11:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I had to literally first and foremost really trust God because I grew up in church and that's another part I didn't share.
11:14
[SPEAKER_00]: grew up in church, but it was more of a religious condemning scary God, like you can't wear makeup, you can't.
11:23
[SPEAKER_00]: So I had a lot of trauma around there.
11:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Was it Kojik?
11:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, yeah.
11:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, it's okay.
11:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You just say a girl.
11:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It was so dramatic, I had to get to know God for myself because he was like this scary man that's gonna cast me in the hell.
11:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, yeah, there was a lot of re-learning.
11:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so you couple, you couple, conditioning around with survival, like actual physiological survival with a conditioner around religion with God where you feel like he's a condemner.
11:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It that automate creates an environment of perfectionism overworking survival like were those things that you You just go on a cold life.
12:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Just go on to call that.
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, I was just I got you because I Listen, I mean I grew up.
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It listening to you know pastors talk about that, too, and I
12:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think millennials, I think millennials kind of all experience that type of your damn to hell if you do this type of thing to where we grow up with this high anxiety of God.
12:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And so how did you, you said you had to, you know, build a relationship with God with yourself?
12:33
[SPEAKER_01]: How did you work through that?
12:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And in doing so, they got to reveal these things to you.
12:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, he absolutely did.
12:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And I finally realized that God loved me.
12:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it was so like, oh, you said a curse word, you're going to hell.
12:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, and it was so, I was so afraid.
12:52
[SPEAKER_00]: that it was like, I was always condemning myself and I was striving for perfection.
12:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was thinking, yeah, yeah, he can't light me because I didn't do X, Y, Z.
13:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, in my church, they said, if you don't do X, Y, Z, you know, you this, you jazzed the bill.
13:09
[SPEAKER_00]: You go, like, it was just all it was.
13:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
13:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So listen, we could talk for hours about that.
13:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think that that paints actually being able to see God with his living versus
13:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that's what I was doing.
13:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like, I literally, I liked rap music.
13:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Sam, I would still do so bad.
13:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, God is going to get me from listening.
13:33
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just that, I thought, oh, I like listen to it was gospel.
13:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it was just, it was so ingrained in me that it took years.
13:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this isn't something I was able to just like jump through.
13:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it took years of me working.
13:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I like to do, just, that's just good to talk to people and make it playing for them with this actually feels like.
13:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So for other, for people, this can look like anxiety within the relationship with God, where they're constantly coming to God.
14:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Talking about the things they're not doing or things that they have done to have hurt him instead of feeling this connection with him.
14:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And I even, I see it as far sometimes where there's a constant feeling of having to repent.
14:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my God, Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me, almost obsessive in a way because we feel this level of condemning.
14:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It's plain that so well.
14:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like, I would stop my toe and say a curse where it'd be like, God forgive me.
14:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not supposed to curse it was just it was just it was uncontrollable.
14:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's okay.
14:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So how did you work through that?
14:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And I also want to talk about, well, I'll ask this question.
14:40
[SPEAKER_01]: First, how did you work through that?
14:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And all you said building your relationship with God did it was therapy involved?
14:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Did you have support a support system around you?
14:47
[SPEAKER_00]: It was me really getting in the word and asking God to show me like revealed to me who he is.
14:55
[SPEAKER_00]: That was my prayer.
14:56
[SPEAKER_00]: like real to me who you are because I found out I realized that I was I was living through what someone had told me about God but I wasn't really seeking him for myself.
15:10
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's how I got into that trap of just approaching the God that they told me about.
15:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
15:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
15:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
15:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
15:18
[SPEAKER_01]: How many years has it been since you kind of worked through some of that?
15:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm.
15:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm.
15:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I see, properly, I would say, maybe 10 years.
15:27
[SPEAKER_00]: It was, yeah, because even, and I'll say this too, to an extent, I became a religious person too.
15:34
[SPEAKER_00]: If I could be fully transparent, I was like, oh, she got that on.
15:40
[SPEAKER_00]: like I became the person I resented.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And so even though I started working through it, I had to look at myself and say, oh, you're judging, too.
15:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think just had caught and say that I think that can look like even for you personally, it can be if you're someone that might find that you end up doing the thing that you see other people do, it become very self-critical of your own self.
16:06
[SPEAKER_01]: self-critical of others and even self-critical of yourself.
16:08
[SPEAKER_01]: There's just like constant negative feedback loop like you kind of talked about where it's like I'm just doing something wrong.
16:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, okay, well tell me in kind of getting through that you are now a keynote speaker.
16:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You've written multiple books, tell us a little bit about how I know you said you started the business out of spreading the book, but how did you get into then like now publicly sharing your story, especially doing speaking and all of that so tell us a little bit about your work and more detail.
16:37
[SPEAKER_00]: So the first book was more so it was a healing thing for me like really writing it out like I literally was crying and working through all of that with the first book.
16:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I started doing some speaking like a coworker would say hey I'm having a women's event can you come and speak or I go to a church and I was doing a lot of women's empowerment work and then business but I wasn't really making it money.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: No pegs.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I catch you.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would get, you know, like fit that I'll hear, you know, love offering that kind of thing.
17:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And then it was like, I was like, you know, I feel like I could literally make this a real business.
17:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I really started.
17:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I joined Masterminds.
17:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I took courses.
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I like invested a lot of money in learning the business side.
17:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't until then years after
17:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It took several years.
17:31
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when I really learned.
17:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so you got to have a niche.
17:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you got like I really figured out what I need it to do because at first I was like, oh, I'm going to write this book.
17:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to get a website and then everybody's going to flood my website and I'm just no
17:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
17:47
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it doesn't work that way.
17:48
[SPEAKER_00]: It kind of happened like that.
17:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And beyond family and co-workers and friends buying my book, like I was like, oh, I got to sell the book, right?
17:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was one of the reasons I was speaking to because it was like, I know if I stayed I could sell books that way.
18:02
[SPEAKER_00]: But I still had to work on the CEO part.
18:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
18:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the part I'm still like, it's late.
18:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
18:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
18:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So no, I got it.
18:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I get it.
18:14
[SPEAKER_01]: So I know you just wrote a book and released it recently.
18:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was, it's called, give your all without losing yourself.
18:23
[SPEAKER_01]: The hyper from his guy to sustainable success.
18:25
[SPEAKER_01]: First of all, I love the title.
18:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's so catchy.
18:28
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you were talking a lot about how we, you know, you stayed in the books.
18:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, edge of edge was very important to you.
18:36
[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't want to do certain things because you didn't want to get in trouble.
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: That sounds just like my story.
18:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, didn't get in trouble in school because I was saying, I didn't want to cause anymore stuff on my mum that was already going on.
18:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And that created in me a high performer.
18:49
[SPEAKER_01]: like I want to do any and all the things, but I love this vantage point that you're talking about with this of being a high performer on one end, but then sustaining it, because I think for people that are ambitious or people that have a level of capacity where they can do a lot of things, sustainability long-term with that is rough.
19:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there is like high peaks of it in the crash, or it's like with that steady climate.
19:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So talk us talk to us a little bit about that,
19:18
[SPEAKER_01]: being sustainable and tell us a little bit about how you kind of got that concept, but also a little bit a little bit more detail about that.
19:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so so it really, every time I write a book, it is a reflection of a season that I've actually endured, navigated, conquer.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm a high performer because I love to win, but also because I've been poor and I don't ever want to be poor again.
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't want to say the fact, it's going to be poor again.
19:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And so for me, that meant that I would overextend myself, because I was like working on a PhD.
19:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I was pregnant, I had three jobs.
19:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I was doing a business, like I was doing all of the things, because it's like, like, I will do whatever I need to do to ensure that I don't go back to that place.
20:06
[SPEAKER_00]: But I was also like not realizing how much all of that,
20:12
[SPEAKER_00]: was taking a toll on me mentally and physically because it was like my desire to win.
20:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It overshadowed the fact that I was only getting like four hours of sleep at night.
20:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, oh, I'm fine.
20:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm fine.
20:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But then I started, you know how it gets a little cloudy like you'd be like, what is going on?
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And you need to go to sleep like it was for me.
20:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It was I was carrying everybody stuff.
20:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm that person that everybody comes to with their problems.
20:42
[SPEAKER_00]: They always calling on me.
20:44
[SPEAKER_00]: They always asking me for advice.
20:45
[SPEAKER_00]: They're asking for this.
20:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Ask me for that.
20:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm serving.
20:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to keep everybody happy while I'm falling apart.
20:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And I realized that a lot of high performers have this head of neglecting themselves.
20:59
[SPEAKER_00]: So on the outside, they look so successful, everybody's admiring all of their accomplishments, but nobody really sees the sacrifices that they are making.
21:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's where that book stem from.
21:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It was me being honest about listen, yes, you do want to be successful, no, you don't
21:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do you think high performers do that?
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: More so, because one they want to win, too, because you are rewarded for it.
21:28
[SPEAKER_00]: People with that, because that's the one.
21:31
[SPEAKER_00]: When you, when you are always getting, always serving, if somebody calls on you for something, you deliver.
21:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You never say no, because you don't want anybody to say your selfish or you don't.
21:42
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, yes, people will reward you for getting them what they want.
21:50
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you think if you could name it is the internal dialogue that's going on?
21:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think that I'm not saying and I say that to say you're rewarded for that.
22:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's calling something out maybe somebody did you know.
22:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But what is the internal dialogue they're probably having with themselves internally?
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Because of this where it could be deeper and they don't know that that is actually maybe burnout.
22:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the internal dialogue is I have to do all of this.
22:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to carry all of this.
22:19
[SPEAKER_00]: If I don't who's gonna do it, they are counting on me.
22:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't wanna let them down.
22:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't wanna drop the ball.
22:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't wanna be a failure.
22:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't wanna lose what I work so hard for.
22:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's all of this going on in your mind.
22:31
[SPEAKER_00]: When you know you, you know you need to rest.
22:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the other conversation that you typically would be having is,
22:39
[SPEAKER_00]: As soon as I finished this project, I promise I want to take a break.
22:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to take a week off.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to do, and you make these promises to yourself, and you already know that there's going to be another thing waiting on you when you finish that thing.
22:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's just a cycle of you keep postponing, rest and recovery, and like rest and recovery is the key to high performance.
23:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And I risked more high performers recognize that the piece that you are putting off is the piece that you need the most to sustain what you've built.
23:12
[SPEAKER_01]: What are the like early quiet times people miss before they before they get to that while they're still functioning through that?
23:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I could see someone who and I'm going to say it like it's almost like a part of
23:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So what would be like some of the early quiet signs that they would miss?
23:31
[SPEAKER_00]: That they are always tired.
23:33
[SPEAKER_00]: That's one of the keys.
23:34
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like they are like, oh, I'm tired.
23:37
[SPEAKER_00]: They may hear themselves saying it.
23:38
[SPEAKER_00]: They know it, but they ignore it.
23:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they let's talk about what the tired looks like.
23:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Because this is not like a, um, I'm sleepy.
23:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to go to sleep for eight hours.
23:49
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a,
23:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm exhausted depleted in my bones.
23:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, I can't like I've had times where I would work 12, 14, 15, 16 hours could barely get out of the bed, but then I'm going to grab the laptop.
24:06
[SPEAKER_00]: and bring the laptop to the bed.
24:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, I need to put it down, but I don't want to fall behind.
24:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to lose this momentum.
24:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
24:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that it can even look like, you know, things in your relationships.
24:20
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you think that this type of burnout affects relationships?
24:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it does.
24:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It affects relationships.
24:26
[SPEAKER_00]: You're more irritable.
24:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there are so many things that happen when you're at that point.
24:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Like your kid can be mommy, mommy, mommy,
24:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you're on edge, like, uh, just like, you, you, you smell it on my face.
24:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you touching me?
24:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Please stop talking to me.
24:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Please get away from me.
24:44
[SPEAKER_01]: That's, that's how I am when I'm tired.
24:46
[SPEAKER_00]: But see a lot of times at, we ignore them, but you need to lean into that.
24:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Or you're like, you're forgetful.
24:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You're irritable.
24:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you're restless.
24:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though you're in the bed, your mind is thinking about everything you got to do and you're, you're not sleeping or you're waking up in the middle of the night.
25:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you slept a couple of hours, but you're still tired when you wake up.
25:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are the signs that we miss.
25:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
25:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would like to ask this question.
25:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I always like to when we bring these things up.
25:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I always talk about like what's the effect that this has with our relationship with the Lord, because whether or not we know that we are functioning.
25:22
[SPEAKER_01]: If clients come to me with this like level of burnout, I always say I could touch you you all fall apart.
25:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You're that, you're that on edge, to where it's like if another thing falls, they're going to fall apart.
25:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this high anxiety, high overwhelm, high stress,
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: that you may not even know that she probably been functioning under for so long.
25:43
[SPEAKER_01]: What is the impact of this spiritually, especially with on our own relationship with God?
25:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, one of the things that happens is God becomes smaller and smaller in your life.
25:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're so focused on the things, more money, pleasing people, and you're not focused necessarily on your relationship with God.
26:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So he gets placed on the back burner, you know, if you need something,
26:09
[SPEAKER_00]: But he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't he ain't ain't he ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't ain't
26:27
[SPEAKER_00]: this aspect of giving to myself first.
26:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And by giving to myself first, that means I spend time with God before the house wakes up.
26:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to us about that.
26:39
[SPEAKER_00]: That is that is really one of the ways that I can ensure that I'm getting what I need first.
26:51
[SPEAKER_00]: before I'm thinking about all the things that other people need.
26:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Cause high performers really do care.
26:57
[SPEAKER_00]: They care about other people.
26:58
[SPEAKER_00]: They care about helping other people.
27:00
[SPEAKER_00]: They care about winning.
27:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, most of the time, they're not giving themselves what they're giving to everybody else.
27:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're sacrificing themselves for the external validation, for the applause, for the money, like, but at the end of the day, in order to be your best self, you've got to be willing to sit with yourself and be honest with yourself.
27:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that was the best thing I could have done for myself was to be honest with myself about who I was and who I need it to become.
27:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It's good.
27:37
[SPEAKER_01]: That's really good.
27:38
[SPEAKER_01]: That's really really good.
27:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So what would be some things you would tell someone who wants to switch out of that survival mode into what you would like to call as sustained performance sustainable performance.
27:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Talk to us about what will be some things that they could do to make that switch.
27:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, well first they have to become more self aware.
27:56
[SPEAKER_00]: They've got to really you need to know your capacity.
27:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Your capacity is the amount of pressure stress that you can carry without becoming overwhelmed, stressed out or burned out.
28:09
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're overwhelmed, if you're stressed out, if you've burned out, that means you'd been caring too much for too long.
28:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And that means that you have not been honest with yourself about your capacity.
28:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you think it's so hard for people to understand capacity.
28:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that goes back to that self-awareness piece because I do think that capacity isn't talked about enough.
28:30
[SPEAKER_01]: But why do you think it's so hard for us to understand our capacity?
28:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do believe it's it's most challenging because we don't want to let other people down.
28:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we don't want to disappoint other people.
28:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I realized I looked around one day and I was like everybody around me is happy because I'm giving them what they want.
28:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm I'm I'm on fulfill.
28:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm tired.
28:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm overwhelmed.
28:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I need a time out for myself, and I don't even feel comfortable taking that time out.
29:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
29:01
[SPEAKER_01]: For capacity, did you ever have moments when you started this process of maybe, you know, switching to their sustainment, peace of struggling even to rest, of struggling even to, like, disappoint, let go?
29:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Talk about that, and what was that like for you?
29:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it was very, very challenging for me because I'm a natural helper and a natural giver.
29:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And so like they curse me out if they say you're selfish.
29:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't ever wanna be called selfish.
29:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I was always performing.
29:33
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would always choose performing over pausing.
29:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I had a choice, I wanna perform.
29:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, I could do it.
29:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I could do that.
29:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I could support you.
29:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I could.
29:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, I had to be honest with myself and say listen, you're doing too much.
29:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, good.
29:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I think, I was gonna say, I think the one of the things that I've learned with teaching classes, this is, I work with a lot of high performers who are burnout.
29:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So my client base is primarily women who have high responsibility, high demanding jobs and have families, children, potentially married and or have like very involved villages and they are the go-to person.
30:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things I always say is you're gonna have to learn the distance between the yes and the question and the request.
30:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And that in between is the work.
30:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not the yes, that's the work.
30:26
[SPEAKER_01]: the work is the pause in between the yes and the request because it's somebody asking me you you have it goes to point milliseconds you say yes and it's like learning to take that pause back to yourself and say do I even want to do this?
30:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna, I'm gonna go real churchy for a second, which you just, so there's a scripture in second Corinthians, Mama talks about being a cheerful giver, and there's a translation I think it's the NLT, but it talks about when you're being a giver that God loves a cheerful giver, and it says in there to not give reluctantly because God loves a cheerful giver.
31:01
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're giving or doing is even reluctant, the heart posture which you give is coming from a place of not even wanting to do it.
31:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is basically saying, like, I want you to be cheerful in your giving.
31:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I want you to be excited.
31:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want you to give money to the church if we're just talking about it in the context of money.
31:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want you to give something to somebody and feel underlying frustration about giving.
31:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I want you to be excited about it.
31:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So even your heart posture and saying,
31:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we could go there, but I think we had to really think about in that pause is a heart posture check because if you are doing this out of resentment because you don't want to disappoint people, our heart posture is not even in the right place.
31:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't even want to do it because then you're going to be mad lady, you got to do it and I don't feel like God wants us to feel that way.
31:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I was there so often.
31:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, just as a matter of fact, in my second book, I have a full chapter title, value your yes value.
31:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
32:01
[SPEAKER_00]: It's it's it's so easy to just say yes without asking first of all, as you said, do I want to do it?
32:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I, there are three questions.
32:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I always ask first is do I want to do it because that's very important.
32:13
[SPEAKER_00]: The second one is do I have time to do it and that's good.
32:18
[SPEAKER_00]: The third question I ask is if I take this on, will this throw me into overwhelm?
32:24
[SPEAKER_01]: T, okay.
32:26
[SPEAKER_01]: If you, if you now watching the video, I'm tapping my two fingers together.
32:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
32:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So what will be some other practical things that you would tell people, like even with boundaries, because I think a lot of these things in this overwhelmed our personal, you know,
32:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Like is this, is this going to get me closer to the result that I want or am I just doing it to be nice like I have these filters because it helps me with boundaries because I I naturally want to help people I naturally want them to like me.
33:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I think that there's like, I think that there has to be some conversation around that just for a second because I think that when you're saying boundaries, a lot of people can associate means being mean, but boundaries in another way is like almost guarding yourself to keep you from stepping outside of, stepping outside of the bounds of like you named send me into overwhelm.
33:36
[SPEAKER_01]: If I know I'm a naturally giving person, but there is a capacity I have in my giving, there's not a lot of capacity as a mother, there's a lot of capacity as a wife, there's a lot of capacity in your work.
33:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're giving to all three of those heavily in one season, maybe you only have a certain amount of capacity for this.
33:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think what you're trying to explain is like the filtering system is more so to guard you from like you said earlier, sending me into overwhelm, because my heart naturally wants to do the most.
34:06
[SPEAKER_00]: It's guarding me from me.
34:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's good, this is, that's real good, that's real good.
34:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so why don't you kind of just tell us really quickly about your book where you could bring people to find it and also anything else you want to share with us before we close.
34:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so so this book is for the person who is the go-to person, like everybody's always calling on you, everyone is always pulling on you and one of the things I want everyone to
34:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you are expecting them to say, I just asked for that last week.
34:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to bother her this week.
34:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Like now, it's up to you.
34:49
[SPEAKER_00]: It's up to you to value your yes.
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's up to you to filters, up to you to ask those questions before you say yes.
34:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's up to you to take care of you.
34:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's a central part of the book is self leadership.
35:03
[SPEAKER_00]: How am I leading myself?
35:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I leading myself will?
35:09
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so good.
35:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So good.
35:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So kind of putting the ball back in your court.
35:13
[SPEAKER_00]: It's yes, because sometimes we're expecting other people to do what only we can do.
35:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's important for you to recognize that and so getting back to the book, it's on Amazon, they can purchase it on Amazon or they can go to my website, dot to Jessica Houston dot com, but but I recognize that this is a gap that needs to be field because so many people and especially women are carrying.
35:44
[SPEAKER_00]: so much.
35:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like they are literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but they're still helping.
35:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, many people yet they're not committed to helping themselves.
35:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
35:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a great topic.
35:58
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a great topic.
36:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that has just been thank you so much for this.
36:02
[SPEAKER_01]: This was fantastic.
36:03
[SPEAKER_01]: It was so nice to meet you.
36:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I will leave all of Dr. Jessica's information, as well as our Katak information, as well as the links to her book.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You can get it on Amazon or wherever books are sold.
36:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I look forward to hearing you hearing more about just all of the things that you all want to say about this interview.
36:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Be sure to send me a DM and I'll talk to y'all next week.