Latest / The Bubble Lounge (Highland Park & University Park Texas) / Ghosting the Host: The Holiday Habit Parents Need to Break

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Ghosting the Host: The Holiday Habit Parents Need to Break · The Bubble Lounge (Highland Park & University Park Texas)

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: There is nothing that can ruin your day faster and destroy the value of her home than a plumbing problem.
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  SPEAKER_02: So remember, if there's even a hint of a leak, call Mother at callmother.com and let them know Martha from the Bubble Lounge sent you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Bubble Lounge.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Martha Jackson.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about something every parent our age has felt but hasn't really said out loud.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Manners and common courtesy have changed dramatically since we were growing up and not necessarily for the better.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Back in our day, you didn't casually back out of a commitment.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: If your mom told someone you'd be at a birthday party, a team dinner, or a school event, you were there.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: No, maybe, no, I'll see how the day goes, and definitely no canceling at the last minute.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: But now, parents, not kids, are leading the charge in last minute, sorry, we're out messages.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: We expect our children to honor every practice, every rehearsal, every commitment, while sometimes we treat our own plans like optional suggestions.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: And here's the part that you need to know.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: Our kids notice.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: They watch how we show up or we don't, and it shapes how seriously they take their own responsibilities.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: So today I'm sitting down with Dr.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Kelly Jameson to talk about the disconnect between what we expect from our kids and how casually we treat our own commitments.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Why it's happening, why it matters, and how we reset the tone for ourselves, our families, and our community.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: If you've ever hosted a gathering and ended up with half the RSVPs missing in action, this one's for you.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Dr.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Jameson, welcome to the show.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for having me back.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, weren't you just here?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I was.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: You're becoming quite the regular, aren't you?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Cool, we always love having you.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Well, today we have a lot to cover.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: You and I were talking recently and just about kind of this new thing that we're seeing is a double standard with parents and kids.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: As parents, we're expecting our kids to honor their obligations, show up on time, do all the things that they're supposed to, but yet we're kind of not modeling the same behavior.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: We're canceling things at the last minute and not showing up when we're supposed to.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: What is going on here?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it is a double standard.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's exactly what it is, because we would never allow our children to no-show to something or cancel an hour before it starts.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yet we're seeing more adults do these sort of quick cancels, late cancels because it's become way too easy to do so without much, you know, human interaction.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yet we expect our children, we hold them to a higher standard in terms of their obligation.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a little bit of discord between the two.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just an important topic that I think we should talk about.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I definitely am noticing it a lot.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: I used to always have an annual anniversary party for the podcast.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: And without fail, two hours before the event, the text would start coming in with all sorts of random excuses.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: And it just got so comical that I used to say, I'm going to make a coffee table book of all the last minute excuses.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: But it happened a lot.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, and this is really becoming a thing.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: I notice it with friends if you have plans for lunch or dinner or whatever it is, a lot of last-minute cancellations.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: A lot.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I just think it's become way too easy.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And the double hurt, number one, the late cancel is the double hurt.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then the ambiguity in which people late cancel and they don't really tell you why, I think is infuriating.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think that you're right there.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: Is I see more of just I'm not coming with no explanation.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm kind of left wondering, okay, well, why?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: Do you have a good reason?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Or you just don't want to do this, or what's going on here?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you got tired at the end of the day, and you know, we all had a long day, but we all said we were coming, and then inevitably someone will text and say, I'm not gonna make it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all have fun.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're left, you know, you can't be mad, I guess, but I just think it's so much more courteous when you say the why.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, we really should avoid late canceling.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: But number two, if you're going to late cancel, be courteous enough to explain the why.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Well, for whatever reason, I just feel like times have really changed because when I was young, my parents really instilled in me, if you commit, your word is your word.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: You go no matter what.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: You always show up and you always go.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: And there's plenty of times that I'll get invited to something a month out and I'll think, oh my God, that sounds amazing.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: I definitely want to do that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: Then it'll be the day of I've had a hard week, a hard day.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm tired.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't sleep the night before.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: Many, many reasons why I probably would rather not go at this point.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: But because I've committed and sent that RSVP in, I make myself go.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: I show up, I still do it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: And so I don't really understand what has changed from many years ago to current times.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think technology is a big piece of it.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: We used to get paper invitations to Christmas parties and anniversary parties, and now everything is digital.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: So it makes everything seem optional almost.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but when we get, you know, a real card in the mail, like an actual invitation, it elevates the experience and we feel more obligated.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: But when it's just sort of a quick digital invite or an evite or a paperless post, and you you have you see that it has gone out to 40 or 60 people, um, suddenly it becomes less of a big deal for you to RSVP or even attend.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: It just kind of feels less personal.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Less personal, yeah.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And and the obligation is not necessarily there.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: It it's just changed, it's just changed the value of events.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: Hmm, that's interesting.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: But still, you as the host, you're counting on X amount of people to come.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: You've bought the food, you've bought the beverages, you've uh booked the venue, whatever you're doing for your event.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: And then when everyone doesn't show up, a lot of times it means you have just wasted a lot of money.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You have wasted a lot of money.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then what happens, and I hear this in therapy a lot because you know, we're going into the holidays now and people are scheduling things and they're asking people.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: But when you've invited your close friends to something, and then they start saying no, or they just don't RSVP at all, which is a whole other thing.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or they late cancel, suddenly you're doing a little bit of mental math about the friendship.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then you start thinking, well, shoot, are we as good as friends as I thought we were?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like why isn't she making an effort?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: She knows this is a big deal to me.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, the logistics are there because you've ordered the chicken and you've gotten your family out of the house and you've you've done all the logistical planning, but then there's all this emotional weight to it where you start really questioning the integrity of the friendship.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that is hurtful.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And that takes effort to kind of work through.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And people aren't really reconciling that.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: It just breeds resentment.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what they bring to a therapy session is the resentment.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's really not about the RSVP.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the chicken, it's about the relationship.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's about the friendship that is now in question.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that is an excellent point.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: On back tying back to my podcast party, we had it six years in a row.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I have a friend that I've been friends with for probably close to 20 years, and she's never attended it.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: And on the last one, she actually did RSVP and said yes, and then she canceled at the last minute.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: And it did make me start questioning things.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, I have this ongoing guest list for this event, and I took her off the list just because she's never come and I don't think she ever will.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: So why bother sending it to her?
• 8:22
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• 8:39
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• 9:20
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• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: But so what kind of advice are you giving people in therapy of how to deal with this?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because friendships are kind of a big deal to risk on a simple RSVP.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it honestly, there's so many this time of year that we're almost numb to it.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're sort of desensitized to the emotionality of all these events.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just this morning, I was kind of calendaring out my December and counting all these social things.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then knowing we were doing this podcast today, I was like, okay, I need to make a very conscious effort and to recognize that these friends of mine who are hosting things have spent time and money.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: So how do I honor that?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do I honor their efforts and how do I honor that friendship on my side, just as my own, you know, person?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: But then in therapies, how do I coach these people on how to respond to this resentment?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: The truth of the matter is, people are either going to question their friends or they're not.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: So, and that's the that's the first question in therapy.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, do you feel like you can ask this friend of yours, hey, I've invited you every year.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's the deal?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, can you do that with humor and lightheartedness that is comfortable?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Or are you the type of person that you're just not going to say anything and just let it festive?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just become resentful of that person.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, and we're taught in school that it takes about eight seconds to ask a hard question.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of people just they cannot endure the eight seconds of saying the hard thing.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but they'll sit on it for months or years sometimes and just breed resentment, which clearly is toxic and unhealthy for you to do that.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: But most people they won't they won't sit with the eight seconds of heart of saying, Hey, like you didn't RSVP.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll coach people to say um whatever they're comfortable with.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of this goes to personality style too, and the and the level of the friendship, but to say, hey, we missed you last night, hope everything's okay.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then of course the other person is going to respond with some reason or excuse.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just follow up with, no problem, but next time just let me know.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: It helps me plan efficiently, or however you want to say it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's just you're kind of coaching your people on manners, right?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, gone.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: We're just not great at manners anymore.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yet as parents, we're very clear with our children about manners.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, how many times have one of your children said something about a sport or a practice or Boy Scouts and they're like, I don't want to do this anymore?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: And you say to them, Well, in this family, we honor our commitment.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you've made a commitment this season and you've made a commitment to this coach.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yet when we're talking about, you know, holiday parties or book club or Friendsgiving, we don't necessarily hold ourselves to the same standards.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And our children are watching this.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, they are watching everything.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I've hosted events too at my house.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like you said, within the hour or two, the text messages start coming.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I really, whatever child is in the room, I will sort of say, you know what, this is really frustrating.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I I try to narrate my experience with them so that they understand, oh, like this hurts people's feelings when you late cancel or when you don't show up, or you when you show up an hour late, or things like these are all just sort of basic manners.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: So part of this is really just narrating the experience to your children.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: For example, say, I'm gonna text Mrs.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Jameson and tell her we're gonna be out of town that weekend, so we can't come.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's like your children are watching you constantly.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: So they're not gonna necessarily know that you didn't show up.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: But if you can get an invitation or something and talk through it with your kids, that just shows little tiny ways where we're modeling like respect and integrity to our children, right?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Integrity is not these big events, but it's these little micro opportunities for them to understand how we take care of each other.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: So little teaching moments, like by saying it out loud, I'm gonna send her a message that we're going to be out of town and can't come to her dinner party.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then sometimes, you know, the group text, you know, so I'm on a I'm in a book club and the day of inevitably the texts start coming and it's the end of the day, and I've worked all day and I'm tired too.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm gonna drive to the book club and I'm gonna go to the book club.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I had my daughter in the car recently, and the the text messages were coming in, and and she said, Oh gosh, here come the text messages.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I know she knows the truth.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: She knows.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, But you know what?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, Mrs.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: So-and-so has put time and effort into this, and she made sure like all her children are out of the house tonight, so the book club can come over.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna go.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: And those are just the little moments that we teach our children what is right and how we take care of our friendships and each other.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: Well, let's talk a little bit more about the technology aspect because I think that's really interesting.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we're so used to this fast-paced, quick answers.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, also like the big dopamine hits.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: Those, those, that's why we love social media so much.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like that kind of ties in with this too, because you're tired at the end of the day and you just want a quick fix because you just want to go home and go lay on your couch and watch TV.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: So you text real fast and say, I'm not coming.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: I just, you're right.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like technology has changed things so much with this, you know, quick, quick responses.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: And especially in well, you might feel better in the second, you know, you know you're not gonna go, but you haven't sent the text yet.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: So it's weighing on you.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then you send the text and you say, I'm not gonna make it.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all have fun.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then you feel better.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, I would feel guilty, but that's just me.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: But in the moment, you're like, okay, I've sent the text, right?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's a reason why I'm not going to be able to do that.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be there at 7 p.m.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: But the impact remains.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: The impact remains for the host because now the host is thinking they're doing the mental math of the friendship.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: And there's like there are friends that you just would not do that to.
• 18:08
  unknown: Yeah.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be honest.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: There are friends that you would not do that to.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: You would drag yourself to that event, to that dinner, to that event because because of the friend.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to be honest about who your like first-tier friends are.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, so you send the text and you feel better.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: But the host it that hurt remains.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when you do it in a group text, it's what we call like, it hides the responsibility.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you do it in a group text.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now everyone in the group has seen that Martha's not coming.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know why, but she's not gonna make it.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: What should have happened is we should contact the host directly and say, hey, I'm stuck at a basketball game in Frisco.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was gonna make it, I cannot, right?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or um, I gotta get home.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: My youngest is throwing a fit because he has two hours of homework and he's freaking out.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, those are good good reasons, right?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right here.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: But when you say work's crazy, I'm not gonna make it, that is not specific enough.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: That I mean it's specific, but that's just that is not enough.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's not enough.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to be very careful about what we're saying, but saying something.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: But it's just too easy in the group text to be like, I'm not gonna make it, y'all have fun.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: We have to be very careful of that.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: So when we get an RSVP, right now on the holidays, I know everyone's flooded with holiday things.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: A quick rule is 24 hours.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: You get a you get an eve an invite of some sort, you should really respond within 24 hours.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: That is professional courtesy, that is personal courtesy.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you say, Hey, you know, it depends if we win that tournament, if we're gonna be there that weekend, I'll let you know.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or if, you know, we're not gonna be there, we're gonna be out of town.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: But within 24 hours, you should have an idea of what that day or week looks like for you.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: And you give the host some sort of indication of where you are.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: If it's a yes, great.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: If it's a no, fine.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: If it's a, hey, it depends on this, but I'll let you know.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: That is just clear communication and it's just basic courtesy that goes a long way with the friendships and the planning and everything that goes into these events.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it just seems like it creates quite a ripple effect on your friendships, is because the host is feeling taken advantage of and you're clearly sending a message that that person isn't important in your life, important enough to maintain the friendship and just go ahead and go to the event that you've committed to.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: It seems like it also could, you know, create some problems within the dynamic of the friend group, you know.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: So now you're upset with me because I'm not coming.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_02: And then you're talking to some of your other friends in the group, and then they get on board.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: And so now we've got multiple people that aren't too happy with you.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that is a complete ripple effect.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's important to remember that just courtesy is the glue that keeps our relationships running smoothly.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: People just, they just want to know where they stand.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: They want to know where they stand.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Ambiguity breeds resentment, confusion, uncertainty.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when I work, when I work with younger girls, middle school, high school, and we're talking about friendships, it's all about friends that make you feel safe.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Basics in its most simple terms, what friends of yours make you feel safe?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: What provides safety is knowing where we stand with people.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: So if someone doesn't show up to my event, but two days later they're at your event, you know, I'm confused by that.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm confused by that.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: So courtesy is about safety.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's about understanding where we stand amongst friends.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's about keeping the quality of a friend, a circle of friends, um, smooth and conflict-free.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're you're inside friends, like your first tier friends, it should be a pretty healthy group.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure we're all in other friend groups that are hit or miss or they're unhealthy or they're inconsistent.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but your inside friend group, you know, you're sort of top 10 that you're inviting to these things consistently.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: There should be no ambiguity there.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: There should be no question about where you stand with them and where they stand with you.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: And just the basic way to make sure of that is just common courtesy.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's common courtesy, reply to text messages, show up at events, um, call someone out of the blue.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is just it seems very basic, but we get busy and we get distracted, and we all have children and we all have busy lives, and and we just sort of forget these common courtesies, yet we constantly parent our children not to do so.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then we do it.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: This is a really strange phenomenon, you know?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like we expect so much from our kids, but they're clearly not seeing that coming from us.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Which is important to explain these little things.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is this is like a first world problem, right?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like this, we're talking about parties and RSVPs.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like we are we're very privileged and blessed to even be talking about this as an issue.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: However, if you zoom out, I mean, we're really talking about respect and integrity.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is this a character trait?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it is because these little opportunities to show courtesy show integrity, and integrity becomes your character.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: So even though this seems ridiculous that we're spending time talking about this, I'm pretty sure we're all pretty laser focused on our children's character development.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: And these are just the tiny little micro opportunities for them to build that integrity and to see ours, and therefore to build that community and integrity and respect, which all feeds into their character development and our character development.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like who do we want them to be?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: We only have one shot at this.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: There's no do-over with parenting.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's it feels silly when you're talking about it, but in the bigger picture, it's critically important.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: No, this all makes sense.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I really appreciate you sharing everything because this has been on my mind the past few years and just kind of wondering in the back of my mind, like, when and why did things change so much?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like your word used to be your word.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: If 50 people said they'd be at your party, they would be there.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: And that's right.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_02: It's like now you almost want want to say 20% is going to show up.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's you know, and like maybe even set expectations and tell yourself, you know, this is what it's gonna be.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, who knows which ones are gonna bow out at the last minute, but you can count on 20% of them coming, you know, some type of formula like that.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: And just so you can try not to have that resentment towards your friends, maybe just go in knowing someone's gonna do it.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also important to to think about, you know, some people find joy in hosting.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: Some people do not.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: And there are some people that would host everything if you let them.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then there are other people who host nothing.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it's important to think about those friends in your group, the ones that host everything, and the ones that have never hosted anything.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: And why that is so into into, you know, spend time thinking about that.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: Some people will say, I, well, my house is not as nice as other people's houses.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: I would never want to host, right?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, I could never come compete with so and so's house.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a lot of, there's a lot of psychology that goes into this.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you have to sort of explain this to your kids or else they don't understand why are we always going to so and so's house?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't we ever have anything at our house?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like these are the little things we can coach our children on.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's fun and I think it's helpful when one person in the friend group always has the one annual thing that you can count on.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you have the Halloween party and I have the New Year's Eve party, or you have the Friendsgiving and I always have the Super Bowl party.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's it helps people when they know that they can always rely on the Jameson Super Bowl party or the so-and-so's Valentine's party.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if you can have sort of one signature event and then people make room for that and they make space for that because they know it's your one big thing and that you have fun doing it, and they're courteous enough to like come to your big annual thing.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're finding that you're confused because you host something and you don't get a great turnout, or some friends come and some don't, maybe think about one annual event that's just yours and you kind of blow it out and everyone looks forward to it.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that can help ease some of the stress of this.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: But as we go into the holidays and you're getting all these invites and your children are getting invites, you know, a lot of this is also sort of executive functioning, right?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: The ADHD person, they might read the paperless post once and then it just sort of falls down their inbox.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: So this can be something that we help our kids with too, right?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we kind of do the quick RSVP.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: As soon as you get it, you respond, then you don't have to think about it.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of this is just we can coach our kids on the organization of some of this too.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, this has been so insightful.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_02: It's given us a lot of things to think about.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_02: Love everything that you said.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_02: And again, you want to model that good behavior in front of your kids because you you want them to have a good reputation and integrity and all the things.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, good luck to everyone this holiday season.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's been another episode of the Bubble Lounge.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Martha Jackson, and I'll see you next time.