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Til Death Do Us Part · Everyone Has An Ex

0:05
Speaker 1: X's come in all different shapes and sizes, the cheetahs,
0:10
Speaker 1: the liars, the fallout of lovers.
0:13
Speaker 1: But what about those who become an ex because they're, well,
0:17
Speaker 1: not there anymore? The ones you've promised to love forever,
0:20
Speaker 1: planned a life with, married, for better for worse, for
0:24
Speaker 1: richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death
0:28
Speaker 1: do us
0:29
Speaker 1: part.
0:30
Speaker 2: I didn't choose to lose Todd.
0:33
Speaker 2: Uh, in an ideal world, I would be doing this
0:36
Speaker 2: with him, but the universe decided that wasn't my journey.
0:49
Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love, and this is Everyone Has an X.
0:52
Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
0:54
Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
0:59
Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them.
1:03
Speaker 1: To begin this story, I need to take you to
1:05
Speaker 1: the city of churches and the home of some of
1:08
Speaker 1: the world's finest wines, Adelaide. And in 2005, it was
1:14
Speaker 1: also the home of the V8 supercars Glypso 500. Think
1:18
Speaker 1: Holden versus Ford, the smell of petrol in the air,
1:21
Speaker 1: empty tinnies scattered on the ground, and grid girls roaming
1:24
Speaker 1: the track in lycra and high heels. The perfect romantic
1:29
Speaker 1: background for when Suzie met Todd.
1:32
Speaker 2: So I'd come from Melbourne to Adelaide for work, and
1:35
Speaker 2: his friend had won a competition with Cougar Bourbon for
1:39
Speaker 2: a trip to the Adelaide 500 and took Todd as
1:44
Speaker 2: one of his guests. I was working for CUB at
1:47
Speaker 2: the time, so it was part of our kind of
1:48
Speaker 2: activity for the weekend. I would pick them up for
1:52
Speaker 2: pit tours and drive a meet and greets and that
1:55
Speaker 2: kind of thing.
1:56
Speaker 2: And clocked him and thought that he was cute. I mean,
2:00
Speaker 2: he was there, you know, 3 firemen winning this trip.
2:03
Speaker 2: That was kind of fun. And he was cute and
2:06
Speaker 2: kind of looked like your stereotypical fireman. He was big and,
2:10
Speaker 2: you know, blonde. He was from Perth, so he had the,
2:13
Speaker 2: the olive skin and was just pretty cute.
2:16
Speaker 2: Um, and, but he didn't talk a lot, and he
2:19
Speaker 2: was hard work, so the other guys were really enthusiastic
2:23
Speaker 2: about doing things, but he kind of didn't want to
2:24
Speaker 2: participate in stuff and was just a bit awkward and
2:27
Speaker 2: a bit shy. And so it wasn't really until the
2:29
Speaker 2: last night that everybody went out for drinks that I
2:33
Speaker 2: was chatting to him, and he came up to the bar,
2:35
Speaker 2: which was a, um, a fully free bar put on
2:39
Speaker 2: by CUB and came up and offered to buy me
2:41
Speaker 2: a drink at the free bar.
2:44
Speaker 2: And that, um, just started the conversation, and I think my,
2:48
Speaker 2: some of my first words to him were, Oh, I
2:50
Speaker 2: thought you were mute. Lovely to hear that you can
2:52
Speaker 2: actually talk. Anyway, that just, we barely stopped talking, um,
2:57
Speaker 2: that night. I think we parted ways at about 3 a.m.
3:02
Speaker 1: A tall blonde fireman at the Clipsal 500. Could you
3:06
Speaker 1: get any more fairy tale? Well, their racy romance could
3:10
Speaker 1: have been short-lived. The next morning, Todd flew back to
3:13
Speaker 1: his hometown of Perth and Susie to hers of Melbourne.
3:16
Speaker 1: That wouldn't make this a very good love story now,
3:19
Speaker 1: would it?
3:20
Speaker 2: It was one of those kind of just
3:23
Speaker 2: Connections that you just can't get enough, you know, the
3:25
Speaker 2: next day I remember after he left, he sent a
3:27
Speaker 2: that early that morning, he sent a text about 10
3:30
Speaker 2: minutes after he left, and, you know, the next morning
3:33
Speaker 2: when I woke up, the first thing I did was
3:35
Speaker 2: send him another message, and every time the phone pinged
3:37
Speaker 2: it was that, you know, beautiful kind of initial exciting
3:40
Speaker 2: um feeling, so yeah, there was a lot of messaging
3:43
Speaker 2: back and forth, a lot of phone calls.
3:45
Speaker 2: Um, so, yeah, 2 weeks later, I flew to Perth
3:49
Speaker 2: to meet him, and we went down to Dunsborough for
3:52
Speaker 2: the weekend.
3:53
Speaker 2: Um, and that kind of kicked off what was in
3:58
Speaker 2: the next 4 years of long distance relationship.
4:02
Speaker 1: Now, that's certainly not the ideal situation, least of all,
4:06
Speaker 1: for 4 years. But Todd's job as a firefighter meant
4:09
Speaker 1: he couldn't leave Western Australia, while Suzie had a solid
4:12
Speaker 1: job across the other side of the country and was
4:15
Speaker 1: very close to her friends and family. But when you know,
4:18
Speaker 1: you know, and you make it
4:20
Speaker 1: work.
4:21
Speaker 2: Because he was a firefighter, he worked shifts, and so
4:24
Speaker 2: that gave him some flexibility, um, in coming to Melbourne,
4:28
Speaker 2: sometimes during the week. And then I would fly there
4:31
Speaker 2: after work on a Friday and come back on the
4:33
Speaker 2: red-eye on Sunday night, go home, shower, and go straight
4:36
Speaker 2: to work. And that was kind of our drill. You know,
4:39
Speaker 2: we tried to not go longer than 3 weeks without
4:42
Speaker 2: seeing each other.
4:43
Speaker 1: The distance was tough. There was pressure to make the
4:46
Speaker 1: most of those precious days they were together.
4:49
Speaker 1: And it was hard to settle into a relationship when
4:51
Speaker 1: you're spending so much time apart. Susie admits the struggles
4:55
Speaker 1: almost broke them a couple of
4:57
Speaker 1: times.
4:57
Speaker 2: You know, we just had that sort of relationship that
4:59
Speaker 2: it was difficult to let go. And I feel like
5:02
Speaker 2: there was a number of times through our relationship, or
5:04
Speaker 2: be it a moment in time where you're like, I
5:06
Speaker 2: don't know if we can get through this. Somehow we
5:09
Speaker 2: always found each other again. I just think he was
5:12
Speaker 2: so different to anybody that I'd dated before, and I
5:14
Speaker 2: was so different.
5:17
Speaker 2: To what he had dated before, we just came from
5:19
Speaker 2: opposite sides of the world, you know, even the first
5:22
Speaker 2: time he met my family, he was just,
5:25
Speaker 2: He was literally silent for nearly all of dinner. And
5:27
Speaker 2: I remember my dad made a comment saying, I think
5:30
Speaker 2: that bloke's like socially inept. I don't even know if
5:32
Speaker 2: he's like, what is going on. And I said to
5:35
Speaker 2: him afterwards, What was going on? Like, how, why can't
5:37
Speaker 2: you show them what I see? Like, why were you
5:39
Speaker 2: so quiet? And he's like, I'm so in awe of
5:42
Speaker 2: the way your family interact over a dinner table. You know,
5:44
Speaker 2: like the way that
5:46
Speaker 2: You're, you know, you're laughing and you've all got so
5:49
Speaker 2: many stories to tell, and it's just such a beautifully
5:51
Speaker 2: warm family environment. I've, I felt totally out of my depth.
5:56
Speaker 2: And so we just came from different worlds. It just
5:59
Speaker 2: felt like the universe meant for us to be together,
6:03
Speaker 2: no matter the challenges.
6:05
Speaker 1: The connection from that very first night was never lost.
6:09
Speaker 1: Differences and distance aside at the end of the day.
6:13
Speaker 1: They were in
6:14
Speaker 1: love.
6:16
Speaker 2: I think what I loved about him most.
6:18
Speaker 2: Is that I felt totally safe with him. You know,
6:21
Speaker 2: I could go to the middle of a war-torn country,
6:25
Speaker 2: and if I had him by my side, I would
6:26
Speaker 2: have absolute faith that we would be OK. When he
6:29
Speaker 2: was at work, or when he was in a situation
6:32
Speaker 2: where he needed to make calls quickly, he was just beyond, like,
6:35
Speaker 2: I've never seen anything like it. We were driving in
6:38
Speaker 2: Perth one night, and we were going past a pub,
6:40
Speaker 2: and a guy who had been drinking, he was quite drunk,
6:44
Speaker 2: stepped off the side of the road right in front
6:46
Speaker 2: of the car in front of us, and the car
6:47
Speaker 2: hit him.
6:48
Speaker 2: And I just remember gasping and Todd just pulled the
6:52
Speaker 2: car over, like got out of the car as if
6:53
Speaker 2: he was just parking it, you know, to go on
6:55
Speaker 2: and get a loaf of bread.
6:57
Speaker 2: Walked over the woman in the car in front, he's like, OK,
6:59
Speaker 2: if you can just pull your car over there, then
7:01
Speaker 2: I'm gonna need you to come back over here, went
7:03
Speaker 2: to the guy on the road, his shoes were like scattered,
7:05
Speaker 2: he's like,
7:07
Speaker 2: Getting people involved, can you just go there and just
7:09
Speaker 2: make sure that traffic goes that way? Come on, mate,
7:11
Speaker 2: let's have a look at you, get the guy into
7:13
Speaker 2: the right position to make sure that he's safe. Can
7:15
Speaker 2: you just call the ambulance? I, I just stood there,
7:19
Speaker 2: I got absolutely useless myself watching this guy just totally
7:23
Speaker 2: curate this situation on
7:27
Speaker 2: A highway, and that was just him. He just, um,
7:32
Speaker 2: You know, he was just the sort of person who
7:35
Speaker 2: I felt entirely safe with, and he was just had
7:38
Speaker 2: incredible street smarts, and
7:41
Speaker 2: You know, I just remember thinking,
7:44
Speaker 2: He just, he can tackle any sort of situation like this.
7:47
Speaker 2: I will always be safe as long as he's here.
7:51
Speaker 1: So what would get one of them to make the
7:53
Speaker 1: call to finally be
7:54
Speaker 1: together?
7:55
Speaker 2: It was a Saturday morning, we were just lying in bed.
7:57
Speaker 2: And I just got up to go to the loo
7:59
Speaker 2: and came back and I said, come on baby, you
8:00
Speaker 2: should get up. He's like, oh, just come back, come
8:02
Speaker 2: back for a 5 minute cuddle.
8:03
Speaker 2: So I came back in, got back into bed, and
8:05
Speaker 2: then he just kind of rolled onto his side and
8:08
Speaker 2: presented a ring box and he just said, so what
8:10
Speaker 2: do you reckon, do you think we should get married?
8:12
Speaker 2: And that was, that was it.
8:15
Speaker 2: He bought this beautiful ring that,
8:19
Speaker 2: He, 100% couldn't afford, and he'd bought it from a
8:23
Speaker 2: shop in Albert Park, this jewelry that probably charged 50%
8:28
Speaker 2: more than any other bloody jeweler because they're in Albert Park.
8:30
Speaker 2: But I'd walked past the shop and looked in the
8:32
Speaker 2: window and said something about one of the rings, so
8:34
Speaker 2: he would've thought, I need, you know, I need to
8:36
Speaker 2: get her the ring that she loves, so, God love him.
8:41
Speaker 1: So Susie moved to Perth. Ultimately their love won out,
8:45
Speaker 1: and they knew wherever they were, whatever jobs they were
8:48
Speaker 1: in or whoever they were surrounded by, they would only
8:50
Speaker 1: really be truly happy if they were together.
8:54
Speaker 2: We got married um in some gardens in Brighton and
8:57
Speaker 2: then had our reception upstairs at the Brighton bars, which
9:00
Speaker 2: was really beautiful, um and it was just a good
9:04
Speaker 2: fun night, it was, reflective of us, his mum and
9:07
Speaker 2: dad were there and their partners,
9:10
Speaker 2: Uh, his station officer from work was his best man. Um,
9:15
Speaker 2: and that was, I'd built up some really nice friendships
9:17
Speaker 2: with his, um, work colleagues' wives, um, as well as
9:21
Speaker 2: some of my colleagues that I was working with in Perth.
9:24
Speaker 2: So I had a really nice base there as well,
9:25
Speaker 2: which was lovely to have them in Melbourne in my environment. Um.
9:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was really lovely, so we did that and
9:33
Speaker 2: we stayed in um Melbourne for Christmas. We got married
9:36
Speaker 2: on the 18th of December, so we just stayed here
9:38
Speaker 2: for Christmas, and then headed back to Perth in Jan.
9:43
Speaker 2: We went to our honeymoon.
9:45
Speaker 2: On the 15th of March, which was gorgeous, had the
9:48
Speaker 2: first half in Vietnam, which was like a school excursion,
9:51
Speaker 2: he had us up at 7 a.m. every morning, doing
9:53
Speaker 2: tours out to, you know, relevant war sites and that
9:57
Speaker 2: kind of thing, and so then uh we went to
9:59
Speaker 2: Koanta for our honeymoon, which was for the second half
10:02
Speaker 2: of the honeymoon, which was for me the wind down
10:04
Speaker 2: part and just the really beautiful.
10:06
Speaker 2: Romantic part of the trip.
10:08
Speaker 1: Life had finally come together for Suzie and Todd at
10:11
Speaker 1: 30 and 36 after 4 years of long distance, it
10:15
Speaker 1: had all been worth it.
10:18
Speaker 2: It was funny, I mean, I, you know, you often
10:20
Speaker 2: hear people when they get married, um, you hear people
10:23
Speaker 2: say to them, oh, does it feel different being married?
10:26
Speaker 2: And funnily, I always thought that was such a ridiculous
10:28
Speaker 2: question because, what's changed, essentially, but, it did, it felt
10:34
Speaker 2: really different and I think from both of our perspectives,
10:38
Speaker 2: I think the things that,
10:40
Speaker 2: Um, challenged Todd about my independence and, um, you know,
10:46
Speaker 2: I think he took my independence for kind of being
10:48
Speaker 2: half in.
10:50
Speaker 2: And I think by being married, it gave him the
10:53
Speaker 2: confidence that I was 100% in. I just needed my
10:56
Speaker 2: time to do things with friends and that and that
11:00
Speaker 2: kind of thing. So I think it gave him a
11:02
Speaker 2: a sense of confidence in our relationship that maybe hadn't
11:04
Speaker 2: been there before, and probably the same for me, I
11:09
Speaker 2: just felt,
11:10
Speaker 2: Like we were, we were on a really good path,
11:13
Speaker 2: I just felt, I just felt totally at peace with
11:16
Speaker 2: the relationship, totally at peace with being in Perth, it
11:19
Speaker 2: just felt like everything had just,
11:22
Speaker 2: Was just where it should
11:23
Speaker 1: be. Life started to settle into normal. They'd now been
11:26
Speaker 1: married 4 months, both had great jobs, and were excited
11:29
Speaker 1: to look to the future. They'd even started talking about
11:32
Speaker 1: the pitter patter of little feet. Life was truly wonderful.
11:37
Speaker 1: So when they woke up on what should have been
11:40
Speaker 1: any other Saturday in April 2011, 1 week after returning
11:44
Speaker 1: from their honeymoon.
11:45
Speaker 1: No one could have anticipated that everything was about to change.
11:50
Speaker 2: We'd just got back and he'd, um, he was heading
11:54
Speaker 2: to his 2nd shift back at work, so it was Saturday,
11:56
Speaker 2: of Easter weekend.
11:58
Speaker 2: Um, so he'd leave at about 6 o'clock.
12:02
Speaker 2: I headed to the gym, um, and we had a conversation.
12:05
Speaker 2: I got to the gym for a class that had
12:08
Speaker 2: been rescheduled because of Easter weekend, so I'm on the
12:10
Speaker 2: phone to him. I'm like, this is shit. I've come
12:12
Speaker 2: to the gym, it's not, class isn't even on. He's like, oh,
12:14
Speaker 2: stop whinging about it, get on the treadmill or something.
12:17
Speaker 2: And so I think my last comment was like, You're
12:20
Speaker 2: annoying me. I'm getting off the phone. He was like, OK,
12:22
Speaker 2: see ya. I'm off to the gym too, see ya,
12:24
Speaker 2: hung up the phone, got on the treadmill, and one
12:27
Speaker 2: of my girlfriends called from Melbourne. So I think I
12:29
Speaker 2: was on the treadmill talking to her for about 20
12:31
Speaker 2: minutes and then thought, I'm going home, I'm not working
12:34
Speaker 2: out here. So I kept chatting to her.
12:36
Speaker 2: Um, and I got home.
12:39
Speaker 2: And my phone was still on silent.
12:42
Speaker 2: And I was in our front room, um, of the house,
12:44
Speaker 2: and we had stained glass windows. And I saw a
12:48
Speaker 2: figure walk past the stained glass windows, and I could
12:50
Speaker 2: tell from what I could see that it was a
12:53
Speaker 2: fire brigade uniform. And I was like, Well, that's not Todd,
12:57
Speaker 2: because I could tell it wasn't his shape and his height.
13:01
Speaker 2: And went to the door, um, and this gentleman introduced
13:04
Speaker 2: himself to me. I had no idea what his name was,
13:07
Speaker 2: but he was one of the senior.
13:10
Speaker 2: People in the fire brigade in WA.
13:13
Speaker 2: Um, and he told me that there'd been an incident
13:15
Speaker 2: on station with Todd and that I needed to come
13:18
Speaker 2: with him.
13:19
Speaker 2: And I didn't think for a second that it was, uh,
13:23
Speaker 2: clearly it was serious, but I didn't think for a
13:25
Speaker 2: second it was any more serious than similar to before
13:28
Speaker 2: we'd gone on our honeymoon. He'd come home early from
13:30
Speaker 2: a night shift because he'd pulled himself into an upturned
13:34
Speaker 2: car through the window without his helmet on, and he'd
13:37
Speaker 2: got some glass in his eye, um, and had gone
13:40
Speaker 2: to the hospital to get it out and then had
13:42
Speaker 2: come home. So I was thinking, he's done something else
13:44
Speaker 2: stupid that he shouldn't have been doing, and he's not
13:46
Speaker 2: had his helmet on or something.
13:49
Speaker 2: So I got in the car with this guy. It
13:52
Speaker 2: was Easter Saturday, so traffic was revolting, and we got
13:55
Speaker 2: onto the, the highway quite quickly, and it was chockers.
13:59
Speaker 2: And he put his sirens on, and I thought, that's
14:02
Speaker 2: a bit odd. And he said, I'm just putting the
14:04
Speaker 2: sirens on so we can try to get through this traffic.
14:07
Speaker 2: He said, By the way, Paul has been trying to
14:09
Speaker 2: call you, and Paul was Todd's station officer, who was
14:12
Speaker 2: the best man at our wedding. And I looked at
14:13
Speaker 2: my phone, which had been on silent and had about
14:15
Speaker 2: 15 missed calls from Paul. So I called him back.
14:19
Speaker 2: And I said, what's Paul, what's going on? And he said, Oh,
14:22
Speaker 2: so we think Todd's had a heart attack.
14:28
Speaker 2: And he said, I'm still at the station, um, I'm
14:31
Speaker 2: trying to get another shift here to relieve us. The
14:34
Speaker 2: other two boys have gone with Todd in the ambulance.
14:38
Speaker 2: Um, you need to come to the hospital. So I
14:40
Speaker 2: was like, I'm on the, I'm on the way. About
14:42
Speaker 2: 5 minutes later, he called me back, he said, Susan,
14:44
Speaker 2: I think you need to call Todd's parents.
14:47
Speaker 2: And in that moment, I thought this is really serious.
14:52
Speaker 2: For them to want his parents there, so I called
14:55
Speaker 2: his dad and his dad was quite kind of calm.
14:58
Speaker 2: I said, they think that Todd's had a heart attack
15:00
Speaker 2: on station, you need to get to the hospital. And
15:02
Speaker 2: then I called his mom, and his mom burst into tears.
15:06
Speaker 2: And that panicked me a little bit. Um, and it's
15:10
Speaker 2: an hour and a half hour drive, so it just
15:12
Speaker 2: felt like an eternity.
15:14
Speaker 2: Um, and so I hung up from her.
15:18
Speaker 2: Kept trying to ask this guy questions, what like, what,
15:20
Speaker 2: what do you think has happened, how did this happen?
15:22
Speaker 2: He didn't know anything.
15:24
Speaker 2: Um, and then his phone rang on loudspeaker, and it
15:29
Speaker 2: was some other fire person that I didn't know. And
15:32
Speaker 2: they said, How far away are you guys? And he said,
15:34
Speaker 2: We're about 15 minutes away. And he said, OK, well,
15:36
Speaker 2: when you get here, we're in a room off the
15:39
Speaker 2: emergency department, so call me when you're here so I
15:42
Speaker 2: can bring Suzie through.
15:44
Speaker 2: And all of these things were absolutely building on my anxiety.
15:48
Speaker 2: I felt furious at him because I thought he's, he's
15:51
Speaker 2: pushed himself too hard again, and now this has happened.
15:53
Speaker 2: Like just stop for a second, just stop for a second.
15:58
Speaker 2: So we pulled up at the hospital, whoever it was,
16:02
Speaker 2: met us outside and took us into a room, and
16:04
Speaker 2: I walked into the room, and the, his, his, um,
16:08
Speaker 2: shift were all in the room, and his station officer's wife,
16:12
Speaker 2: who I'd become quite friendly with, and his brother was
16:16
Speaker 2: there with his girlfriend at the time, now wife.
16:20
Speaker 2: And she walked over to me and hugged me and
16:23
Speaker 2: started crying and said, I'm so sorry, Suzie.
16:28
Speaker 2: And I was just thinking, what, uh, I, I, what,
16:32
Speaker 2: what is going on, I have no idea what's going on.
16:33
Speaker 2: I just looked at Paul and I said, Paul, what's
16:35
Speaker 2: going on? And he said, So, just hold up a minute,
16:39
Speaker 2: the doctor is coming in. And
16:43
Speaker 2: I was like, OK, OK, and where is he where
16:45
Speaker 2: is he? He said, he's doing a race us.
16:47
Speaker 2: And I thought, Oh my God, he's doing a race
16:49
Speaker 2: us on Todd, so I'm panicking. And I'm like, What
16:53
Speaker 2: do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Like,
16:55
Speaker 2: just in a panic trying to work out where there's
16:57
Speaker 2: doors to this room and how I can get out
16:59
Speaker 2: to wherever Todd is. And Paul just stepped like he,
17:02
Speaker 2: I just remembered them all kind of exchanging looks, and
17:05
Speaker 2: Paul stepped over and hugged me and just said into
17:08
Speaker 2: my ear, He's gone, so is he.
17:14
Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean, you just
17:15
Speaker 2: told me he was doing a recess on him, how
17:17
Speaker 2: can you, how can you possibly know that? And he
17:20
Speaker 2: said he's not doing a resus on Todd Suzie, he's
17:22
Speaker 2: on another patient, Todd's already gone.
17:26
Speaker 2: And I just pushed past him and pushed out the
17:30
Speaker 2: back door that was behind them and just lurched out
17:33
Speaker 2: into emergency, and thank God there was a nurse standing there.
17:39
Speaker 2: And she said, Suzie, and I said yeah, she said,
17:41
Speaker 2: do you wanna see him and I said yes, and
17:43
Speaker 2: so she just took me in to one of the areas,
17:47
Speaker 2: and he was lying there and I just remember going
17:50
Speaker 2: over and just holding him, saying, Todd, they're telling me
17:52
Speaker 2: that you're dead, just wake up, this is ridiculous, they're
17:54
Speaker 2: telling me that you're dead.
17:56
Speaker 2: And it just kind of all sunk in that.
18:00
Speaker 2: That was, he was gone.
18:06
Speaker 2: The doctor came in, a really beautiful doctor. He had
18:08
Speaker 2: tears in his eyes too, and he just said, um, Mrs. Lidington,
18:12
Speaker 2: and I said, yeah, he said, I'm so sorry, we
18:14
Speaker 2: did everything that we could do. Um, and as it
18:18
Speaker 2: turns out, you know, there's such a great bond between
18:22
Speaker 2: those emergency services, and when he, um, when it happened
18:26
Speaker 2: at the station, so he was in the gym apparently
18:28
Speaker 2: doing CrossFit.
18:30
Speaker 2: And um two of the boys had left and Paul
18:34
Speaker 2: and Todd had decided to do another circuit, and Todd
18:38
Speaker 2: lay down to do push-ups and Paul turned around and
18:41
Speaker 2: um said, what are you, what Todd, what are you doing?
18:44
Speaker 2: He had a really strange look on his face, and he,
18:48
Speaker 2: Real realized immediately that something was wrong, and so he, um, called,
18:52
Speaker 2: yelled out to the boys to come back up, and
18:54
Speaker 2: they performed CPR called the ambulance, um, 5 ambulance units
19:00
Speaker 2: turned out. I think they worked on him there for
19:03
Speaker 2: about 40 minutes before they took him to the hospital,
19:05
Speaker 2: so I think probably when they finally moved him, he
19:08
Speaker 2: was probably already gone, um.
19:11
Speaker 2: And we later discovered that he had heart disease that
19:15
Speaker 2: we were totally unaware of, and one side of his
19:18
Speaker 2: heart was 60% blocked, the other was 90% blocked. And
19:22
Speaker 2: because his heart was so strong, it just kept pumping
19:25
Speaker 2: blood through these tiny little gaps. And that morning, a
19:28
Speaker 2: clot hit one of the sides and he was just gone.
19:37
Speaker 2: There's so many parts of that day that I don't remember.
19:42
Speaker 2: You know, I think I got to the hospital at
19:43
Speaker 2: 10 a.m. and I think I left it,
19:48
Speaker 2: 5:36, but one of the things that I remember is
19:52
Speaker 2: not wanting to leave him, um.
19:57
Speaker 2: Because I knew that he didn't like being by himself,
20:00
Speaker 2: and I had this, you know, just this urge to
20:04
Speaker 2: not leave him, and I think probably at 3 o'clock,
20:09
Speaker 2: nurses started to come in and say we need to
20:11
Speaker 2: take him.
20:13
Speaker 2: And sometimes I'd answer them and sometimes I wouldn't, and
20:16
Speaker 2: if I answered them I'd say I'm not ready to
20:17
Speaker 2: leave yet, and they'd just kind of leave, or other
20:20
Speaker 2: times I'd just sort of have my head on his
20:21
Speaker 2: chest and I just wouldn't even respond to them. And
20:24
Speaker 2: then I remember um.
20:26
Speaker 2: The doctor came in and said, Suzie, we really need
20:30
Speaker 2: you to leave, we need to take Todd now, and
20:32
Speaker 2: I just said I can't, I can't leave him, he
20:34
Speaker 2: doesn't like being by himself, I cannot leave him. So
20:38
Speaker 2: he left and then the fire brigade chaplain came in
20:41
Speaker 2: and I had never met him before.
20:44
Speaker 2: Ron, his name was, and he said, Susie, you have,
20:48
Speaker 2: you know, you have to go and I I can't,
20:51
Speaker 2: and he said to me, he's not there anymore, Suzie,
20:53
Speaker 2: it's not, that's not Todd that you're sitting with anymore.
20:58
Speaker 2: And he said where he's gone, he's happy, and I
21:02
Speaker 2: said he's not happy, how could he be happy? There's
21:05
Speaker 2: no way that he could be happy.
21:07
Speaker 2: And he said, I know that's how you feel, but.
21:11
Speaker 2: Believe me, when I say that where he's gone is
21:14
Speaker 2: where ultimately we will all end up.
21:18
Speaker 2: And he's one of the lucky ones cause he's got
21:21
Speaker 2: to go early. The rest of us have to see
21:23
Speaker 2: out a lifetime before we get to go there. And
21:26
Speaker 2: he said, and where he's gone, it's timeless. So you're
21:31
Speaker 2: sitting here thinking about him every second, every minute, but
21:34
Speaker 2: where he's gone, time doesn't exist. So just in a moment,
21:37
Speaker 2: he will turn around and you'll be there. And he'll
21:40
Speaker 2: be like, Suzes, I I've got something to show you.
21:43
Speaker 2: And it was just such a beautiful
21:46
Speaker 2: Um,
21:48
Speaker 2: I just needed something, I needed to know something about,
21:52
Speaker 2: Where he'd gone, I needed something to believe in because
21:54
Speaker 2: I I physically couldn't leave his side for fear that
21:59
Speaker 2: I couldn't look after him anymore and so I think
22:02
Speaker 2: in that moment I just felt like,
22:05
Speaker 2: He's, he's OK.
22:27
Speaker 2: I'd called my parents who were in Merimbula, so they
22:31
Speaker 2: had to get back from Merimbula to Melbourne to fly
22:33
Speaker 2: to Perth. Um, I had called my brother, him and
22:36
Speaker 2: his wife got straight on a flight, got their kids
22:38
Speaker 2: looked after and got straight straight on a flight. So
22:40
Speaker 2: I had my best girlfriend arrive probably a day later.
22:45
Speaker 2: Um, there were people there all the time, I know,
22:47
Speaker 2: I remember mum trying to get me to eat, and
22:51
Speaker 2: I remember not wanting to eat. I spent a lot
22:54
Speaker 2: of time in Todd's hammock out on the back deck, um.
22:59
Speaker 2: You know, I just, I don't know, it was all
23:01
Speaker 2: a bit of a blur, I think I was just
23:03
Speaker 2: in shock, we couldn't have his funeral until the 4th
23:06
Speaker 2: of May, um.
23:09
Speaker 2: So, like longer than a week after he passed away, um,
23:14
Speaker 2: the fire brigade were my lifeline at that point. They
23:18
Speaker 2: were such an incredible group of people. There were fire
23:22
Speaker 2: trucks pulling up outside my house from shifts that I had,
23:27
Speaker 2: you know, that Todd hadn't worked on, to mow the lawns,
23:31
Speaker 2: to clean out the gutters.
23:34
Speaker 2: Um, they offered free counseling, um, they offered financial assistance
23:40
Speaker 2: with the funeral, they were just amazing, and then the
23:43
Speaker 2: funeral itself was,
23:46
Speaker 2: Uh, just like something that you've seen on TV, it
23:49
Speaker 2: was really quite overwhelming. So I was sitting in the car, um,
23:54
Speaker 2: and the, in the hearse, and the coffin was in
23:57
Speaker 2: the back. I remember pulling in to the crematorium.
24:03
Speaker 2: And I just went, Holy shit, honey. I remember thinking,
24:07
Speaker 2: who is on shift at the fire stations in WA today? Like,
24:11
Speaker 2: I think everybody who wasn't on shift was at this funeral.
24:15
Speaker 2: There was a guard of honor. It was just the
24:18
Speaker 2: most incredible thing that I think I've ever seen. And, um,
24:24
Speaker 2: Todd was the first firefighter to pass away on shift, um,
24:27
Speaker 2: for 30 years or something like that. So it was
24:30
Speaker 2: a really significant, um,
24:33
Speaker 2: Moment in time for the fire brigade, but it was
24:35
Speaker 2: just such a beautiful celebration.
24:40
Speaker 2: Um, of him, I've never felt so, I knew how
24:44
Speaker 2: incredible he was at his job, but I've never felt,
24:49
Speaker 2: So proud of um.
24:53
Speaker 2: Who he was and what he did every day, um,
24:56
Speaker 2: in that moment.
25:02
Speaker 1: Less than 3 weeks earlier, Suzie and Todd had stepped
25:05
Speaker 1: off the plane from their honeymoon. Now, at 30 years old,
25:10
Speaker 1: Susie was a widow.
25:12
Speaker 2: It was really fucking hard, you know, a funeral happens
25:16
Speaker 2: and then everybody goes back to their normal lives. And
25:19
Speaker 2: I was 30, you know, my, everybody was back in Melbourne,
25:22
Speaker 2: I was still in Perth. My girlfriend didn't know what
25:26
Speaker 2: to do.
25:27
Speaker 2: Um,
25:29
Speaker 2: You know, like there was just, it just felt, and
25:31
Speaker 2: more so because I was in Perth, but it kind
25:33
Speaker 2: of just felt like,
25:36
Speaker 2: Everybody went back to their normal life and my world
25:39
Speaker 2: was totally upended. I don't know how many nights I
25:42
Speaker 2: got home and didn't turn on a light, and was
25:45
Speaker 2: probably just sitting somewhere in the dark for, I don't
25:48
Speaker 2: know how long. And it was just a process. Every
25:52
Speaker 2: morning I'd wake up and I'd say, Get out of bed.
25:54
Speaker 2: You just gotta get out of bed.
25:56
Speaker 2: And then, uh, you just need to get into the shower.
25:59
Speaker 2: And it was like one step by one step. And
26:02
Speaker 2: then I remember this fear setting in.
26:06
Speaker 2: I was probably I probably indulged it, um, indulged that
26:10
Speaker 2: grief to its full extent for about a month where
26:13
Speaker 2: I just,
26:15
Speaker 2: Never answered the phone, um, you know, sat in the dark,
26:19
Speaker 2: kind of that really predictable, kind of deep grief, and
26:23
Speaker 2: then I remember just having this moment of fear and
26:25
Speaker 2: I thought shit.
26:26
Speaker 2: I'm 30, and this moment is gonna define me for
26:32
Speaker 2: the rest of my life.
26:34
Speaker 2: And I was petrified by that thought. Like, I was
26:38
Speaker 2: petrified by that being my story forever. And then in
26:44
Speaker 2: that moment, I thought, I am going to feel this,
26:47
Speaker 2: and I'm gonna feel every bit of this so that
26:50
Speaker 2: I can come out the other side and be somewhat.
26:54
Speaker 2: Normal, whatever that means now, but I can't, I can't
26:59
Speaker 2: have this define me. I can't have my entire life
27:02
Speaker 2: story be, your husband died when you were 30, after
27:05
Speaker 2: 3 months, 4 months of marriage.
27:07
Speaker 1: Over the next 12 months, Susie worked hard at mending
27:11
Speaker 1: her head and her heart. She moved back to Melbourne
27:14
Speaker 1: to escape the constant reminders and memories of Todd, but
27:17
Speaker 1: things just didn't feel right.
27:20
Speaker 2: I had hoped that coming back to Melbourne would give me,
27:25
Speaker 2: A new start. And actually, I came back and I
27:28
Speaker 2: just felt like I didn't fit in anymore, and I
27:30
Speaker 2: felt like,
27:32
Speaker 2: I'd left Todd and abandoned everything that was his life.
27:36
Speaker 2: To come back to Melbourne and nothing looked familiar anymore.
27:40
Speaker 1: It was
27:40
Speaker 1: at that point, Susie found a new counselor.
27:44
Speaker 2: So I started seeing a counselor.
27:47
Speaker 2: Um, really frequently, um.
27:50
Speaker 2: I
27:53
Speaker 2: Worked really hard to process the relationship, um, I was
27:57
Speaker 2: really afraid that I would never, that no-one would ever
28:01
Speaker 2: live up to Todd again.
28:03
Speaker 2: Um, and so I, I was really conscious that I
28:06
Speaker 2: wanted to remember Todd, but every bit of Todd. So
28:10
Speaker 2: the shit stuff as well, I don't think it's dramatic
28:14
Speaker 2: to say she probably saved my life. And she said,
28:16
Speaker 2: describe to me where you're at. And I said,
28:19
Speaker 2: Um,
28:20
Speaker 2: I I don't recognize where I am anymore, and it
28:22
Speaker 2: feels like there's been a massive explosion, and there's just
28:25
Speaker 2: rubble everywhere, and I'm up to my shoulders, and I
28:28
Speaker 2: can't move. I can't move my legs. I can't move
28:31
Speaker 2: my arms. There's nobody around that I can call out
28:35
Speaker 2: to for help.
28:37
Speaker 2: And I remember her saying to me, OK, well, week
28:39
Speaker 2: by week, we're just gonna move some of that rubble
28:41
Speaker 2: and we're gonna get you out of there. And
28:45
Speaker 2: She was just.
28:47
Speaker 2: She was amazing.
28:49
Speaker 2: And hard on me when she needed to be hard
28:52
Speaker 2: on me, but was constantly reminding myself to be kind
28:55
Speaker 2: to myself, um.
28:58
Speaker 2: Because I so desperately wanted to be better and I
29:00
Speaker 2: so desperately wanted.
29:02
Speaker 2: To kind of start to move forwards, but it's this
29:05
Speaker 2: constant turmoil of, you know, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good,
29:08
Speaker 2: that was really funny, oh shit, my husband's dead, that's
29:12
Speaker 2: not funny, nothing like that shouldn't be, why are you laughing?
29:16
Speaker 2: You know, it was that,
29:17
Speaker 2: That constant struggle for probably a year and a half
29:21
Speaker 2: of feeling like, you know, recognizing that there's days that
29:26
Speaker 2: it's not the first thing that you think of. It's
29:29
Speaker 2: the 3rd or the 4th, but it's not the first thing.
29:31
Speaker 2: And feeling really empowered by that, and then feeling really
29:35
Speaker 2: guilty about that.
29:37
Speaker 1: 18 months after Todd's death, Suzie's grief didn't end, but
29:42
Speaker 1: it began to manifest in different ways, especially given there
29:45
Speaker 1: was more devastating news to process.
29:48
Speaker 2: After that year and a half, I kind of went
29:50
Speaker 2: off the rails. So 3 months after Todd passed away,
29:53
Speaker 2: my dad was diagnosed with melanoma cancer.
29:56
Speaker 2: And given 3 months to live. So I was thinking,
29:59
Speaker 2: I'm gonna lose my dad and my husband in the
30:02
Speaker 2: same year. Luckily, we ended up getting another 2 years
30:07
Speaker 2: with dad, but I think for that year and a half,
30:12
Speaker 2: it was the grief of Todd, the
30:16
Speaker 2: The palpable fear of having to grieve my dad and
30:19
Speaker 2: not thinking that I can grieve somebody again, come out
30:22
Speaker 2: and come out of it alive. You know, they talk
30:24
Speaker 2: about those stages of change, and, you know, there's anger
30:29
Speaker 2: and rejection and then acceptance and whatever they are.
30:33
Speaker 2: And I definitely transitioned from a point of like grief
30:36
Speaker 2: into a point of anger, and I just felt like,
30:39
Speaker 2: fuck you for leaving, you didn't even hang on long
30:42
Speaker 2: enough for me to see you in the hospital, for
30:44
Speaker 2: me to say goodbye.
30:47
Speaker 2: And now I've been left to deal with all of
30:49
Speaker 2: this shit. My dad's sick. I haven't got you to
30:52
Speaker 2: be by my side while I deal with this, so
30:54
Speaker 2: I was just really angry, and
30:57
Speaker 2: I just went out a lot, I went overseas and
31:00
Speaker 2: just spent money on whatever I wanted to spend money on.
31:03
Speaker 2: There was just absolutely no regard for anything in the future.
31:06
Speaker 2: It was almost like,
31:09
Speaker 2: I was just gonna do everything across this period of time,
31:12
Speaker 2: I actually didn't give a shit what was coming in
31:14
Speaker 2: the future, because I actually didn't have a lot of
31:16
Speaker 2: hope for what was coming in the future, you know,
31:18
Speaker 2: I felt like,
31:20
Speaker 2: Almost my moment in the sun had passed, and now
31:23
Speaker 2: I was just surviving to the point where I could
31:25
Speaker 2: die to just be with Todd.
31:28
Speaker 2: You know, I, that was the first time I was
31:30
Speaker 2: with somebody else. Um, I picked the most inappropriate person
31:36
Speaker 2: that I could possibly pick, um, who I knew Todd
31:40
Speaker 2: would be like, What the fuck are you doing? I
31:43
Speaker 2: loaned him money, like, whatever money I had, I loaned
31:46
Speaker 2: it to him for his business with a kind of
31:50
Speaker 2: half-baked contract to have it paid back. Um, I just
31:54
Speaker 2: did everything that
31:56
Speaker 2: Of my original self would never have done, um, and
32:02
Speaker 2: all of it with the conscious thought that it would
32:03
Speaker 2: really piss Todd off.
32:05
Speaker 1: But Todd wasn't pissed off. No, not because he wasn't
32:08
Speaker 1: there anymore. She knew he wasn't. You see, Suzie's friend
32:12
Speaker 1: Kate had received an interesting call from her friend, Chris,
32:16
Speaker 1: who happened to be a medium.
32:18
Speaker 2: Kate called me out of the blue. She's like, Hey, Chris, um,
32:23
Speaker 2: has said that Todd has been coming to him, and
32:26
Speaker 2: he has a message for you.
32:29
Speaker 2: And he didn't want to call you because he knows
32:31
Speaker 2: that you might be at a point where you don't
32:33
Speaker 2: want you, you're ready to move on, but, if you're
32:36
Speaker 2: interested in hearing from him, he, he's happy to see you.
32:39
Speaker 2: So of course, I said of course. So he came
32:41
Speaker 2: around that weekend and,
32:43
Speaker 2: You know, he was like, Oh, Todd, calm down. It's like,
32:46
Speaker 2: he's like an excited puppy, which was very Todd. Like,
32:48
Speaker 2: Todd would be like up and about, and be like, Oh, hey, hey,
32:50
Speaker 2: and get really excited about things. He's like, Mate, and
32:52
Speaker 2: you need to calm down. I can't understand what you're, like,
32:54
Speaker 2: what you're trying to communicate. He's like, it's just this
32:56
Speaker 2: really high energy, and it's hard to decipher what he's
33:00
Speaker 2: wanting to communicate. So then he said a few things.
33:03
Speaker 2: I'm really proud of you, blah, blah, blah. You've done this,
33:06
Speaker 2: you've done that.
33:07
Speaker 2: And he said, oh, he's not saying specifically what he's
33:09
Speaker 2: referring to, but he's saying you're not to feel guilty.
33:11
Speaker 2: He's not telling me about what, but he's saying you're
33:13
Speaker 2: not to feel guilty.
33:15
Speaker 2: So then he said to me, um,
33:18
Speaker 2: He stopped communicating with me, but his energy is still
33:22
Speaker 2: quite high. He said, it's almost like a battery on
33:25
Speaker 2: a phone and you can see it going down when
33:27
Speaker 2: they're finished, but his levels are quite high, so he said,
33:30
Speaker 2: I feel like he's just gonna probably stay around for
33:32
Speaker 2: a little while, but he's not communicating anything with me anymore.
33:35
Speaker 2: So he left.
33:37
Speaker 2: And I was in my apartment in Elwood, and I
33:40
Speaker 2: felt really uncomfortable. I felt almost like this heavy weight
33:44
Speaker 2: on me. I felt really uncomfortable. So I grabbed my
33:47
Speaker 2: keys and my bag, and I walked out of the
33:50
Speaker 2: apartment and I went down into the basement to get
33:52
Speaker 2: into my car.
33:53
Speaker 2: Got into my car and was driving it up the
33:55
Speaker 2: ramp to go out and was waiting for the gate
33:58
Speaker 2: to open. And I looked over and I could almost
34:02
Speaker 2: see him sitting in the passenger seat, and he had
34:05
Speaker 2: this kind of like, this smirk on his face, and
34:08
Speaker 2: he had his like elbow cocked up, and it was
34:10
Speaker 2: almost like he was saying, Oh, where are we going? Like,
34:13
Speaker 2: you think that I'm not gonna come with you out
34:14
Speaker 2: of the, like, you think you're gonna shake me? And
34:18
Speaker 2: I just, it was just such a beautiful feeling, and
34:20
Speaker 2: I drove around for about half an hour, and then
34:23
Speaker 2: it just went, and I just turned around and I
34:25
Speaker 2: drove home. And that was the only time that I've physically.
34:31
Speaker 2: Felt him and almost could visualize him in his entirety,
34:37
Speaker 2: just sitting there in the passenger seat next to me
34:39
Speaker 2: and it was just, it was incredible.
34:41
Speaker 1: With a
34:42
Speaker 1: renewed sense of peace and purpose, Susie started to turn
34:46
Speaker 1: a corner.
34:47
Speaker 2: I knew what was gonna happen with dad and I
34:49
Speaker 2: knew that um I wanted to be there for him
34:52
Speaker 2: and I wanted to be there for my family.
34:55
Speaker 2: Um, and I was scared. You know, I was really
34:58
Speaker 2: scared that actually, um, like it was just, it was,
35:02
Speaker 2: it was a moment where I just had to reflect
35:04
Speaker 2: and work out what was important and work out what
35:08
Speaker 2: I needed to do to equip myself to get through
35:11
Speaker 2: this next stage, which
35:13
Speaker 2: I would, I, I think I would have said at
35:15
Speaker 2: that point, I, I, like, there is a 50% chance
35:21
Speaker 2: that I won't be around for much longer than dad. Like,
35:24
Speaker 2: if I, if, if Dad's death takes me into the
35:30
Speaker 2: hole that Todd's death took me, I won't come out
35:32
Speaker 2: of that a second time. It's too deep and it's
35:34
Speaker 2: too dark.
35:36
Speaker 2: Um,
35:38
Speaker 2: So yeah, I think that just kind of straightened me out.
35:41
Speaker 2: I think it was just starting to um.
35:45
Speaker 2: Have a healthier approach, you know, I had to, I,
35:48
Speaker 2: I took the leap with dating again and I did it, um,
35:53
Speaker 2: I think I did that in like, it was a
35:55
Speaker 2: different world, right, suddenly you've got online dating and so
35:58
Speaker 2: you can kind of,
36:00
Speaker 2: It's good in a way because you can start to
36:02
Speaker 2: put your foot back in the water without actually having
36:04
Speaker 2: to have a conversation with anybody. It was a really
36:06
Speaker 2: easy way back in. I had some really lovely relationships, um,
36:11
Speaker 2: you know, anywhere up to kind of 6 months over
36:14
Speaker 2: the following years.
36:16
Speaker 2: Um,
36:17
Speaker 2: And, and learned that I could feel again and that
36:21
Speaker 2: I could commit to a relationship again and um.
36:27
Speaker 2: And I guess, realized that I wasn't going to carry
36:33
Speaker 2: that grief into my future relationships.
36:37
Speaker 2: Um, which had been a fear for me. Todd and
36:39
Speaker 2: I had been trying to have kids, so, um, 6
36:42
Speaker 2: months before we got married, we actively started trying to
36:45
Speaker 2: have kids.
36:47
Speaker 2: And obviously, that didn't happen for us, but in my mind, that's,
36:52
Speaker 2: that's where I was at, you know, like, that's what
36:54
Speaker 2: I was ready for in my life. That's what I
36:56
Speaker 2: thought I was preparing for.
36:58
Speaker 1: The thing was, finding someone who fits Susie's criteria was
37:02
Speaker 1: proving pretty
37:03
Speaker 1: difficult.
37:03
Speaker 2: Like, I was almost approaching it as if it was
37:06
Speaker 2: a bit of a, you know, business venture. Immediately, it
37:09
Speaker 2: was like the scan, the scan of them, like, age, um,
37:14
Speaker 2: you know.
37:16
Speaker 2: Security in terms of, you know, financial security, emotional security,
37:21
Speaker 2: are they ready to have children, do they already have children,
37:24
Speaker 2: and I just feel like, there were probably a number
37:26
Speaker 2: of really lovely guys that I dated who I,
37:30
Speaker 2: Just got rid of because I didn't feel like they
37:32
Speaker 2: were going to be the father of my child. When really,
37:35
Speaker 2: I don't think anybody at that point would have fit
37:39
Speaker 2: the bill, because I think what my, what my image
37:43
Speaker 2: and what my vision of that was had been with Todd.
37:47
Speaker 2: But ultimately, for me, I got to the point where
37:49
Speaker 2: the child thing became bigger than the dating thing.
37:53
Speaker 2: Um, and so I made a decision to have a
37:55
Speaker 2: baby by myself, um, because that for me at that time,
38:01
Speaker 2: My rationale was, I don't, I don't believe I'm going
38:03
Speaker 2: to die alone. I think that I will meet somebody
38:06
Speaker 2: and I think that I will end up having a
38:07
Speaker 2: great relationship with somebody, but I just didn't have faith
38:11
Speaker 2: that that would happen for me, um.
38:14
Speaker 2: In time to have a baby?
38:16
Speaker 2: Uh, and that was important to me. I just couldn't
38:20
Speaker 2: see what my purpose was, if I didn't have a baby.
38:23
Speaker 2: That was just for me, that was the, the driving force.
38:27
Speaker 2: I always thought that I was going to be a mom.
38:29
Speaker 2: Um, and so I, yeah, so that kind of became
38:32
Speaker 2: the focus in 2015. Um, I made that decision, so
38:40
Speaker 2: I kind of stepped away from dating for a little
38:42
Speaker 2: while in order to make that
38:44
Speaker 2: happen.
38:45
Speaker 1: So after careful consideration and with the full support of
38:48
Speaker 1: her family and friends, Suzie made the decision to try IVF.
38:53
Speaker 2: I just got lucky. The first, uh, I picked my
38:57
Speaker 2: anonymous donor.
38:58
Speaker 2: And um first embryo that we transferred took, and little
39:04
Speaker 2: Teddy came about, it was emotional because I think in
39:09
Speaker 2: those moments, it becomes,
39:13
Speaker 2: Really obvious that you're doing it alone and it's not
39:17
Speaker 2: the way it's meant to be, um.
39:21
Speaker 2: But I think I had already reconciled that in my head,
39:25
Speaker 2: and I think I was empowered by the situation. I
39:28
Speaker 2: kind of, you know, got this false sense of power, like,
39:32
Speaker 2: you can do this, you know, this is, and I
39:35
Speaker 2: remember every time I'd tell somebody and they'd kind of
39:37
Speaker 2: be a bit surprised by it. I kind of liked that.
39:40
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, you know, I'm just breaking the mold,
39:42
Speaker 2: let's do this. And I felt like there had been
39:46
Speaker 2: so much that had happened that I had been totally,
39:50
Speaker 2: Not in control of, and this was a moment that
39:53
Speaker 2: I was taking control back, I didn't choose to lose Todd.
39:58
Speaker 2: In an ideal world, I would be doing this with him,
40:01
Speaker 2: but the universe decided that wasn't my journey, and I
40:04
Speaker 2: can control this, and I'm dictating to the universe that
40:07
Speaker 2: this part is my journey and this is how it's
40:09
Speaker 2: gonna look. And so I found that really empowering.
40:13
Speaker 2: In these recent years, or you know, in the last
40:16
Speaker 2: 10 years,
40:18
Speaker 2: Life has taken.
40:21
Speaker 2: Such an incredible deviation from where I thought it would go.
40:25
Speaker 2: And at times I felt utterly lost and like I
40:29
Speaker 2: would never find that path again. But actually now I
40:33
Speaker 2: realized that was the path I always had to walk
40:35
Speaker 2: to get to where I am now, where I need
40:38
Speaker 2: to be and that's to be a mum to Ted.
40:41
Speaker 2: Um,
40:42
Speaker 2: And so it is just,
40:45
Speaker 2: Really now, and I'm not, I'm not going to lie
40:48
Speaker 2: and say that there's not moments where I think, fuck.
40:52
Speaker 2: You know, why did, why did that all have to
40:54
Speaker 2: happen to me, you know, I wish beyond anything that
40:57
Speaker 2: Todd could still be here, but I also just feel grateful.
41:04
Speaker 2: And I guess I just have faith in the process and,
41:10
Speaker 2: I'm at a point now where I have a 315
41:13
Speaker 2: year old who's just.
41:15
Speaker 2: You know, who's this absolute beautiful spirit, who I'm raising
41:21
Speaker 2: in a way that I think Todd would be really
41:23
Speaker 2: proud of, and so I feel like Todd is still,
41:26
Speaker 2: In our lives in a really organic way,
41:30
Speaker 1: and
41:30
Speaker 1: as for finding that special adult someone to share her
41:33
Speaker 1: life with, well, Suzie certainly hasn't ruled it out.
41:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm really optimistic about love. I think, um,
41:41
Speaker 2: I'm realistic that at the moment, I have a 3.5
41:45
Speaker 2: year old who is a handful, um, and I'm really
41:49
Speaker 2: protective of our time, so I think it will be
41:52
Speaker 2: a pretty incredible person at this point in my life who,
41:55
Speaker 2: Um, has the patience to date me because I'm not
42:00
Speaker 2: overly available at the moment, and I'm OK with that.
42:04
Speaker 2: And I think ultimately what I want for me and
42:05
Speaker 2: what I want for him is to have somebody back
42:08
Speaker 2: in my life. And I want him to have some,
42:11
Speaker 2: you know, a, a male person in his life that
42:14
Speaker 2: he can look up to and, and go to for
42:17
Speaker 2: anything he doesn't want to come to me, which should
42:19
Speaker 2: be nothing. Um, so, yeah, I like, I've never
42:25
Speaker 2: Being afraid of ending up alone, I just don't think
42:27
Speaker 2: that's going to be my journey.
42:30
Speaker 1: In what can only be described as one of the
42:32
Speaker 1: most traumatic experiences anyone can ever experience, 10 years after
42:37
Speaker 1: Todd's death, Susie's reflection on what helped her through is
42:41
Speaker 1: filled with wisdom and vulnerability.
42:44
Speaker 2: The biggest thing is time, and people I know people
42:49
Speaker 2: say it every time somebody dies, they're like, only time heals.
42:52
Speaker 2: It's so true though, and I think I only realized
42:56
Speaker 2: that when I had, when I realized that I had transitioned.
43:00
Speaker 2: From feeling really sad about Todd to feeling really grateful
43:03
Speaker 2: for Todd, and the only thing that enabled that transition
43:07
Speaker 2: was time. At this point in my life, I've reconciled
43:10
Speaker 2: in my head that Todd was always going to pass
43:12
Speaker 2: away at 36. If that was always going to be
43:14
Speaker 2: the case,
43:16
Speaker 2: Then the way it happened was the way I, I'm, I'm, I'm,
43:20
Speaker 2: I'm OK with the way it happened, because I don't
43:23
Speaker 2: think that there would have been any suffering. Yeah, I mean,
43:26
Speaker 2: no doubt I'm damaged. No doubt. I'm not saying that
43:29
Speaker 2: I've come out here and it's 10 years down the track,
43:32
Speaker 2: and I've processed it, and I'm, you know, healthy and
43:35
Speaker 2: I'm moving forward. I'm absolutely damaged by his passing.
43:40
Speaker 2: And I will forever be changed by it. You know,
43:43
Speaker 2: there's definitely a wall up that probably wasn't there before,
43:46
Speaker 2: but I just try to be really honest with that.
43:48
Speaker 2: I don't blame that on Todd. I don't blame that
43:50
Speaker 2: on those circumstances. And that's hard when every day feels
43:53
Speaker 2: like it lasts an eternity, but it's time, and one
43:56
Speaker 2: day you'll look back and you'll think, I'm like, I'm
44:00
Speaker 2: a bit of a ledge. Like, I've come through this, and,
44:04
Speaker 2: you know, and it's empowering because if I can deal
44:06
Speaker 2: with that and I can survive that.
44:09
Speaker 2: And I can have a like a healthy positive outlook
44:11
Speaker 2: on life, then I feel like,
44:14
Speaker 2: There's not much that I can't deal with now.
44:19
Speaker 2: So, you know, I guess that's the silver lining.
44:31
Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is written and narrated by me,
44:35
Speaker 1: Georgia Love, produced by Linda Scott and edited by Matt Sofo.
44:41
Speaker 1: We will be back for season 2. So if you've
44:43
Speaker 1: got a story for us, send it to us at everyonehasanex@mintymedia.com.au.
44:50
Speaker 1: That's M I N T Y Media.com.au, and follow us
44:54
Speaker 1: on Instagram at at everyonehasanex. Thank you for listening. If
44:58
Speaker 1: you've loved season one, don't forget to subscribe, give us
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Speaker 1: read every single one.