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Caring in a Carefree World · Relatively Stable

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Caring in a carefree world.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: A week of colic, caretaking, and unexpected grace.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the problem is that we're trying too hard.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Carl Phillips.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Last week I posted the third installment of my regathering series,
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: leading you through a morning of feeding the horses and cleaning stalls.
• 0:38
  I had so much more to say about how hands-on work can recenter
• 0:43
  us and lead us
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: through and into the transmutation of grief.
• 0:49
  But I was too busy working to write or to be conscious of how
• 0:53
  much I was grieving.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to remedy that this week.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: We don't do anything by halves at this farm.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: If we explore a concept, the horses and the humans are all in.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: The atmosphere has not failed to deliver.
• 1:10
  I joke about how the universe has to bash me over the head with
• 1:14
  a concept before I
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: stop what I'm doing and listen.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the universe has,
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: like the time my mother threatened a drunk,
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: massive ex-monk in the parking lot with her baseball bat.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: The universe has grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to listen.
• 1:32
  I brought my father home to live with my mother,
• 1:34
  Christopher,
• 1:35
  and me at the farm.
• 1:37
  Sometimes I look back at the girl whose husband had just left
• 1:40
  her in Istanbul,
• 1:42
  the one who drove through her derelict childhood neighborhood
• 1:45
  the day after she
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: landed back in the U.S.,
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: how I wept through the homesickness of a failed escape.
• 1:52
  The strip malls and the pawn shops and the water-stained burger
• 1:55
  restaurants made me
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: cringe from the responsibilities of my family.
• 2:01
  I wanted to be somewhere,
• 2:03
  anywhere,
• 2:03
  where I could pretend that I was not me.
• 2:07
  I truly believe that enough good jewelry and fancy perfumes
• 2:12
  could mask the scent of
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: terror I had inherited in my bones.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: The barn saved me then, and it saves me now.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Back then, I crawled out of bed and fed the horses.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I sweated my grief out by cleaning stalls.
• 2:31
  The buffer of sleep deprivation I acquired from tending to sick
• 2:35
  animals softened
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: the blow of my life.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Bit by bit and muscle by muscle,
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: the horses worked the fear and regret out of me,
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: taking my hope for something different and forcing me back into the now.
• 2:52
  In the present,
• 2:53
  the horses said,
• 2:55
  I could learn to create a life I didn't want to run away from.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility filed away the addiction of my dreams and wishes.
• 3:05
  When the fantasies were dwindled into ghosts,
• 3:08
  I discovered something even better.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I found my way back to myself.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the work is doing that again for me now.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Before bringing dad home from a nursing home to live with me at the farm,
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was at a loss as to what I should do next for him.
• 3:28
  We had been distant for a decade and had come to an unspoken
• 3:32
  agreement that I would
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: manage his affairs while nearby family would see to his daily needs.
• 3:38
  But a series of falls and medical crises landed him in a loop
• 3:42
  of hospital,
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: rehab,
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: and skilled nursing care starting last Thanksgiving.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: During that time,
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: while he was in a vulnerable state,
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: the facility moved forward with enrolling him in long-term care,
• 3:56
  despite my legal power of attorney and without notifying me or
• 4:00
  returning my calls.
• 4:02
  The financial setup in place would have allowed them to begin
• 4:06
  collecting his Social
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Security benefits and steadily draw down his assets to cover care.
• 4:13
  While it's true that Medicaid will not seize a person's home
• 4:17
  during their lifetime,
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: medical debt is often recouped through estate recovery,
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: meaning the property can be claimed in probate after death.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't my first estate rodeo,
• 4:29
  but I only learned this detail about Medicaid when I recently
• 4:32
  consulted with an
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: attorney.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: My father's house and land have been in his family for generations.
• 4:39
  It's important to him that the land stays with his descendants
• 4:42
  and isn't sold off
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: to pay down institutional debt.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Can we take a minute to talk about health care reform in the US?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: My grandfather raised me and he was a Republican politician.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've written about this before.
• 4:58
  However,
• 4:59
  he and I traveled outside the country to obtain health care for
• 5:02
  my grandmother.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when my grandfather passed from bone cancer,
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: his treatment made a substantial dent in his estate.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: We can do better in the greatest country on earth.
• 5:16
  As I began to understand how the system had operated in my
• 5:19
  father's situation,
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: we had to make quick choices.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: His medical team was starting to mention the H word.
• 5:27
  hospice and a dear friend of mine a long-time volunteer at the
• 5:32
  farm helped me
• 5:33
  understand what hospice truly is and how misunderstood it often
• 5:38
  remains the more i
• 5:40
  looked into it the clearer it became most people wait too long
• 5:45
  i asked my father if
• 5:46
  he would be interested in moving into the farm with me and my
• 5:49
  mom and christopher
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: your mother's okay with this he asked
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: They've been divorced for 40 years.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was disowned by her own family for separating from my father.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: There are novels of animosity between them.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But my mother is an empath at heart.
• 6:09
  She cannot stand to see needless suffering,
• 6:12
  even if she'll cross her nonsense with a bat.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Her compassion is usually applied to animals and not humans.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: But in my father's case, her resentment fled in the face of his illness.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've cauterized bleeding tumors on horses.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've watched surgeries performed in the field.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have stuck my fingers or hands into every orifice in an animal.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've been smeared in poop and I have captured urine.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: But human fluids freak me the freak out.
• 6:48
  I got into my head a little too much the week before my father
• 6:51
  came to live with us.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: In light of everything happening,
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hyper fixated on being mentally unable to clean him up if needed.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I interviewed caregivers,
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: imagined worst case scenarios,
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  SPEAKER_00: delegated hard tasks to my mother and Christopher,
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: and decided I was incapable of nurturing,
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 7:14
  But once dad was settled in a hospital bed in the guest room of
• 7:18
  the farmhouse,
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: once we launched into new routine,
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: my body went to work independently from my head.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are tasks that I do not even want to think about, but I do them.
• 7:32
  I've shocked myself with my ability to provide care that seemed
• 7:36
  impossible to me in theory.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: The horses prepared me for this.
• 7:43
  It's a running joke in our well-developed farm gallows humor
• 7:47
  that Sarah is always
• 7:49
  the one holding the horse that will reflux when the vet uses a
• 7:52
  tube to rehydrate a
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: colic case.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Without planning,
• 7:57
  my phone will ring or someone will ask me a question and I will
• 8:00
  turn away at just
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: the right moment.
• 8:03
  But days after my father arrived to live with us,
• 8:07
  Lady the Pony began to call it.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I told the vet about how I run when the tube is first inserted.
• 8:14
  A group of students and instructors gathered in the back of the
• 8:18
  barn to watch the
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: vet work on Lady.
• 8:21
  The day was dripping hot and everyone was feeling the
• 8:25
  unreasonableness of the end of summer.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Schedules not lining up, a mad dash into change.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was stretched too thin,
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: running like a flight attendant from one knee to the next,
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: my fingernails broken under the tabs of endless soda cans,
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: filling ice,
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: tying trash bags,
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: smiling in the face of one more ask.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have any Coke?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: the vet asked.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Coke.
• 8:56
  I want to put some in lady's tube to break up the fiber mat in
• 8:59
  her gut,
• 9:00
  the vet said.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I ran up the hill, grabbed some cans, and checked in on my father.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I ran back down the hill and fumbled with the tab.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can't stand watching the reflux, I said.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to watch, the vet said.
• 9:18
  Not because it's gross,
• 9:20
  I said,
• 9:20
  but when I see it,
• 9:21
  I feel like I have to make hard decisions.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's true,
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: when a horse refluxes,
• 9:27
  it's usually a moment when I have to decide if we keep treating
• 9:30
  the animal or if
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: it's time to ease them into death.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: In a lot of ways, the farm is a hospice for older horses.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: With the age of our population,
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: it's strange that we don't have to make hard decisions very often.
• 9:46
  And that's a testament to the amazing crew we have caring for
• 9:49
  the horses every day.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: The vet siphoned the coke into Lady,
• 9:55
  using it along with water and mineral oil to clear out the
• 9:58
  undigested hay in her
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: belly.
• 10:01
  Lady is close to 30 years old,
• 10:04
  and her teeth can't grind roughage like they used to.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Unlike Blackjack,
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: another three-decade black pony,
• 10:12
  who rolls his hay around in little wads that he spits out and
• 10:15
  keeps going.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: We give him token hay.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Trish calls it his hay bouquet.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: The vet finished up and the crowd dispersed.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had one more session,
• 10:28
  a quiet one filled with the sound of evening birdsong to finish
• 10:32
  before I walked
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: back up the house and cared for my father.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I take the night watch when we have a sick horse.
• 10:43
  For a long time,
• 10:44
  I was incredibly resentful of being all the horse's primary
• 10:48
  caregiver.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I would grasp onto the closest person who could help me run a farm,
• 10:53
  whether their able body came with a suitcase of abusive ghosts
• 10:57
  or a penchant for
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: getting out of work entirely.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: A person's presence was better than nothing.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or so I thought.
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  SPEAKER_00: It took me a few decades.
• 11:08
  I'm a slow learner to understand that I was still left alone
• 11:12
  with the night checks
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: and the death watches,
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: but with the added responsibility of carrying someone else's emotions.
• 11:19
  A sick animal or an ailing human works wonders toward shedding
• 11:23
  light on how much a
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: person has invested in growth and maturity.
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  The bubble would burst and I would be left holding a fistful of
• 11:32
  rank water.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Armed with the lived experience of animal husbandry,
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was still uncertain about my ability to care for my bed-bound father.
• 11:43
  But I knew that my mother had done a lot of work on herself and
• 11:46
  that my husband was
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: born with the patience of a saint.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Between us, I wouldn't have to do everything myself.
• 11:54
  I love you,
• 11:55
  my mother said as I walked out the door the week before Dad
• 11:58
  arrived.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was slack-jawed for a moment,
• 12:01
  but eventually accepted her words for the gift they were and
• 12:03
  reciprocated.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mom just said she loved me, I said, passing Christopher on the porch.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you should buy a lottery ticket, he said.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I haven't had to.
• 12:17
  It's usually me who wins the lottery of having to change dad
• 12:20
  and mess up the salt
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: ratios on his fries as I keep track of his meds and assemble his dinner.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not alone.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: As ladies spun into deeper colic symptoms,
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at the crowd of people watching the vet tube her and I realized,
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not alone.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: At least once a month throughout the summer,
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: sometimes more,
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Tamar,
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Reno,
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  SPEAKER_00: and I got together for snacks and a Coke.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: I craved our rituals of deep conversation over food and sweet treats.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Our topics ranged from the serious to the absurd.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we talked about death and caregiving.
• 13:01
  Other times we talked about horses or books or something
• 13:05
  unhinged we read on the internet.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: The rhythm of it mattered more than the content.
• 13:11
  We'd meet in the house around the old farm table,
• 13:14
  grazing from whatever we'd thrown together.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Between us, glasses of icy coke snapped in the humidity.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: The horses would be tucked in,
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: the sun would be setting through the kitchen window,
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: and for a little while,
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: the weight we both carry would lift.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't get to do that now.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Summer's over.
• 13:36
  Her grandson has come to live with her just as my father has
• 13:39
  come to live with me.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Our rituals have been replaced by grocery lists,
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: appointments,
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: school supplies,
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: and medication charts.
• 13:48
  The moments around the table have scattered like feed pellets
• 13:52
  across a barn aisle.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: There, but hard to gather.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: We text when we can.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: We send each other memes.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: We promise we'll find time again soon.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: But we both know what season we're in.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part where care takes the lead.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the sweetness, when it comes, will have to be found in other ways.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Stable Roots is where I share stories about horses,
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: resilience,
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: and the life I've built from both.
• 14:26
  I write weekly about connection,
• 14:28
  healing,
• 14:28
  and the messy,
• 14:29
  beautiful business of showing up.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can subscribe for free and follow along.
• 14:34
  But a paid subscription goes even further by directly
• 14:38
  supporting the farm,
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: the horses,
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: and the work we do here every day.
• 14:42
  However you choose to be a part of this community,
• 14:44
  I'm just grateful that you're here.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've written this week's post in between tasks,
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: a section here,
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: a section there,
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: some notes scribbled into my phone.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: I planned to spend the afternoon giving my full attention to writing,
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: but just as I sat down,
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: word came from the barn that Lady was lying down again.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: I prepared a syringe of Banamine,
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: the frontline drug that all barns keep on hand for colic symptoms,
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: and I grabbed a six-pack of Coke.
• 15:21
  I marched down the hill and I barked at everyone to leave me
• 15:24
  alone as they came
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: with questions or comments on what was happening,
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: and I found Lady lying peacefully in her stall,
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: a fresh pile of poop in the clean shavings beside her.
• 15:36
  We'd taken turns grazing her all morning on the rich green
• 15:39
  grass that grows tall
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: beside the wash stalls,
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: all the trickling water from the hose drenching the roots.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Lady hated me sticking a dosing syringe in her mouth,
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: but she gulped the Coke as I plunged it in,
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: all sticky and foamy in my hands.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: When I got down to the last drop in the bottle,
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I turned it back and I siphoned the dregs into my mouth.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: The pony and I savored the sweetness together.
• 16:09
  No off-brand store cola for this girl,
• 16:12
  Michelle said,
• 16:13
  holding Lady still with the lead rope.
• 16:17
  We laughed about how Lady's wide,
• 16:19
  temperamental mouth hadn't spilled an ounce onto the ground.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: She was resentfully drinking every drop.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Afterward,
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: I walked into the house and my father summoned me to refill his own soda,
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: cold from the refrigerator.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I stuck a bendy straw into the opening like a periscope into the unseen.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if this is ladies' last days on this earth.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how long my father will be with us.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what comes after or what is before.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing we know for certain is death,
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: the beautiful woman,
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Jen,
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: the Sunday morning volunteer,
• 16:58
  said as we caught up on my father and I thanked her over and
• 17:02
  over for making it
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: possible to bring him to the farm for hospice.
• 17:06
  So how do we drink deep of the sweetness while we're all still
• 17:10
  here together?
• 17:13
  I don't have a clean answer to that question,
• 17:15
  and maybe I don't need one.
• 17:17
  What I do know is that when everything feels like too much,
• 17:21
  the work still gets done.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: The horses are fed and the water buckets are filled.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: The coke still flows,
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: sticky and holy,
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: from bottle to pony to friend to father to daughter,
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: and the sweetness finds us despite the hurt.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: I never wanted to be the person to do any of this.
• 17:43
  I never wanted to be the one mixing meds into applesauce or
• 17:46
  setting timers for syringes.
• 17:49
  I never wanted to be the one ordering adult diapers in bulk or
• 17:52
  learning how to lift
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: dead weight without cranking an already injured back.
• 17:57
  I didn't dream of giving hospice care in the same house where I
• 18:00
  run a business,
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: where the accounting is never done and the feed room always needs raking.
• 18:06
  I didn't want this version of caregiving where the boundary
• 18:09
  between work and life
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: no longer exists,
• 18:12
  where I rinse manure off my boots just to go back inside and
• 18:15
  take someone's blood
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: pressure.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it turns out that life doesn't wait for our preferences.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Neither does grief or the horses.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: The horses still need feeding.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Their bodies speak to me in gestures.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Lady penning her ears before her gut spasms.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Max resting one hind leg more than the other on rainy days.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Humans don't get to opt out.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And strangely, that's grace.
• 18:44
  Because the more I move through the routines,
• 18:47
  the more my resistance falls away.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: There is rhythm in this work,
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: in cleaning the stalls,
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: scrubbing the buckets,
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: and the grain pans thudding into place.
• 18:58
  The beat of it syncs up with my heart and reminds me that I'm
• 19:01
  not doing this alone.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I never have been.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I never wanted to be the one to do any of this.
• 19:10
  But the horses,
• 19:11
  as always,
• 19:12
  keep showing me that there is redemption in having no other
• 19:16
  choice.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: One step at a time, we'll see this through.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that alone is enough.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim.