Latest / The imuRgency Room / Gen Z Isn't Finding Love Online Anymore

Transcript

Gen Z Isn't Finding Love Online Anymore · The imuRgency Room

0:04
I hate to break it to you, I really do, but you're not
0:06
fighting your soul mate online. I'm sorry, Hey guys, what's up
0:12
some urgency welcome welcome back to my channel.
0:14
That was intense. I know and before we get
0:16
started, I do have to say that this video is not to call anyone
0:19
out. Well, maybe a little bit and
0:21
also maybe myself, and I already know I can already tell what the
0:25
comments are going to be. I can already see you being up
0:27
in arms. If you did happen to find the
0:28
love of your life on like hinge or bumble or dating app into
0:32
that I say that is amazing, that is awesome.
0:34
I love you. I love that for you, however you
0:37
are the exception and not the rule babes which we're in a
0:42
where we're both platonically and romantically lonely and have
0:45
an abundance of options in things like dating apps.
0:48
That the fact that the actual success rate of these said
0:51
dating apps is so low is equal parts insane and insidious
0:54
considering the fact that that is the whole promoted purpose of
0:57
these apps. And just to be clear, this is
0:59
not a oh Boo dating apps video because I think that we as the
1:03
Internet have talked about that enough and whether you may or
1:05
may not know people can be disappointing regardless of
1:08
where you meet them. However, based off of Internet
1:11
discord and just interpersonal conversations, the end result of
1:15
online dating is swinging predominantly negative and young
1:18
people, especially Gen. Z, are becoming increasingly
1:21
disillusioned with dating as a whole and just generally across
1:24
the board in terms of sexuality. Somehow, somewhere along the
1:27
lines of our innovation and our quest for modern technology and
1:31
future solutions to current problems, dating apps and also
1:35
just modern social media have become the most prevalent way
1:38
and easiest access way to dating.
1:41
But I think as Internet conversation, as just general
1:44
conversations have shown. I think we've all come to the
1:46
conclusion. That these apps and social media
1:49
are not conducive to building actual, tangible, real
1:51
connections. Where are we talking about you
1:54
for a second? And by you, I mean our
1:56
generation and how our generational social behaviors
1:59
have contributed to this as well.
2:00
And I know for certain I'm also guilty for some of these.
2:02
So let's actually break some of this down.
2:04
So I did just say that this is not a solely dating apps are bad
2:08
video. We do have to talk about dating
2:10
apps A. Little bit to.
2:10
Frame this conversation and I think to get this conversation
2:13
going. The main problem with dating
2:15
apps is the fact that, as one Tik Toker has stated, dating
2:18
apps in general will have you meeting people that you were
2:21
never meant to meet. Dating apps will have you
2:24
meeting people that you were never meant to meet.
2:28
And I was like, what? It makes so much sense because
2:30
I've had the most diabolical relationships from dating apps.
2:33
And this is my personal opinion. And it hit me because I'm like,
2:36
you're right. These men were men that I most
2:39
likely wouldn't have never met in the wild, would have never
2:42
crossed paths with that were just plucked out of the Internet
2:45
and put into my life. And if you think about it, that
2:48
is a crazy way to try to find love.
2:50
And my therapist also said because I was talking about
2:53
dating apps and she never tells me what to do, but she was kind
2:55
of like, yeah, I mean, if you think about it, trusting an app
2:59
to find the love of your life is kind of crazy.
3:02
And I've been thinking about this a lot when it comes to like
3:04
my own dating life. And that's one of the main
3:06
reasons why I don't use dating apps anymore because there
3:08
definitely was an era where I was on the apps and I was on
3:11
like Hinge or whatever, what have you.
3:13
And I actually go ahead and meet them.
3:14
And I'm like, we have nothing in common for real.
3:18
It's like one of those things we're like, if we didn't meet on
3:20
this app, I don't think that we would have ever met up or even
3:23
interacted in just like in everyday life, Like dating apps
3:26
will show you people that live in your city, your town, even in
3:29
your neighborhood, who you've like never seen in real life
3:31
before. And that's where I feel like
3:32
meeting people in person out in the wild is just peak is just so
3:37
much better. Because while yes, there are
3:38
filters in dating apps that allow you to sort by your
3:40
interests and to have things in common, you'd never really know
3:44
what's real and what's fake, Especially giving trends like
3:46
the whole performative man and epidemic of men essentially
3:48
cosplaying the whole man written by a woman.
3:51
Drope drinking, macho listening in the leve, reading up on the
3:54
latest feminist literature I like.
3:55
I know that trend is just for jokes but like also it is.
3:58
Kind of real without the state of dating.
3:59
Is and like there's something about meeting someone in person
4:02
where like at the very least you have that commonality of like,
4:04
OK, you both like go into this very specific coffee shop,
4:07
especially if you're both regulars, so you have the same
4:09
taste in coffee. And you can build off of that
4:11
and go from there because those commonalities through interests
4:14
or at least like social sphere links are important, no matter
4:18
how small they may be. Like whether or not it's y'all
4:20
going to the same cafe or y'all both having a mutual friend that
4:22
threw a party and you're meeting at a party.
4:24
Oh. That just sounds so right.
4:25
I love that. Sorry, or you both happen to
4:28
care about community and meet from volunteering together at
4:30
some food distribution. There's just like that base
4:33
level of like, OK, we go to the same spaces, we care about the
4:36
same things. And I just think that speaks
4:38
more to the possibility of compatibility and of connection
4:41
because again, I keep saying this, but at the base level, it
4:43
shows at the very least overlapping interests and at
4:46
best like similar core values, which is arguably one of the
4:49
most important parts of connection and of relationships
4:52
and finding your soulmates. And this is not to say that
4:55
meeting in person is the only option, nor is it to say that
4:57
like the people that you meet in person won't and can't be the
5:00
reincarnation of Satan themselves.
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Because shocker, not everyone has great intentions and or is
5:04
meant to be in your life. Like where did my spiritual
5:06
psychosis girlies? But like the demons could be
5:08
everywhere, but there's just something so like I genuinely
5:12
would have never met you under any other circumstance outside
5:15
of the lens of like a dating app and specifically with romantic
5:18
intentions that very well can be what enables some of the
5:20
behaviors that we've been seeing that aren't really the best of
5:22
us because it perpetuates the whole lack of liability.
5:26
Like it kind of gives and possibly contributes to the
5:28
whole I don't owe anyone anything agenda that we've been
5:30
seeing so much. And this before we even get into
5:33
the nefarious. Paywalls of it all and also to
5:36
address the elephant in the room.
5:37
I did change but like not top in the technology rule by people
5:40
power is evil bag of it all. But in this case it just seems
5:43
to be true. Algorithms read your preferences
5:45
and match your compatibility just to pluck those people up
5:48
and place them in Rosedale. Meaning if you want a chance to
5:51
find love and go on a date with someone that is the most well
5:54
presenting and most algorithmically compatible or
5:57
just generally your type to AT, you got to cough up the clients
6:00
babes because. Love isn't for the poor,
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apparently. I mean, like, are we shocked
6:05
that companies are keeping things like love behind a
6:07
paywall in the society that we currently live in?
6:09
No, but it is sad that we've been able to capitalize and
6:11
commodify even the possibility of finding connection,
6:14
especially in a time where people are so desperate for
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genuine connections to begin with.
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And it's ever so clear that the powers that be will try to milk
6:20
every last cent out of you, even at the detriment of the general
6:23
public. And I mean hey, at the end of
6:25
the day, these dating apps are all businesses.
6:27
Whether they want to hourly admit it or not, they are there
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at the end of the day to make a quick buck.
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They're there to make money. Because if they did not make
6:33
money, they would no longer be running their app and sure as
6:35
hell wouldn't be charging you $15.00 a month for a premium
6:38
version of their dating app. So if they I have to use the
6:40
guise of finding a partner or finding a connection or to grab
6:43
a couple dollars out of you, they can and they will also.
6:45
Something sort of on the lines of this topic, but like not
6:47
really something interesting that we found in research for
6:49
this video was the fact that there are actually some dating
6:51
apps seemingly paying regular TikTok users to promote their
6:55
app in a very interesting kind of way.
6:57
Like you have videos upon videos of people using the exact same
7:00
block of text with like the same kind of shocked expression,
7:03
essentially promoting this one dating app with the text on
7:05
screen saying something along the lines of every time I re
7:07
download Hinge, it's just a reminder that these apps aren't
7:09
about dating anymore. They're about paywalls and
7:12
pushing premium features. Like why am I paying to just
7:14
have a conversation? I deleted it for good and
7:17
switched to a personality based app where I actually need people
7:20
who want to be there. So like clearly that reads as an
7:23
ad. And if it's not clocking to you
7:25
that that's an ad, look at the three to four other videos that
7:28
exact same blurb of texts with in the exact same format.
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A little interesting to see that app is allegedly paying people
7:34
to make ads like that without disclosing explicitly that that
7:37
is an ad. But that's neither here nor
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there. The point here being that
7:40
clearly people are frustrated with the paywalls in dating apps
7:43
right now, and it's seeming like other apps are trying to do
7:45
anything in their power to try and capitalize off of this
7:49
moment of people being frustrated with it, even at the
7:51
risk of seeming a little grifty. But now, since we're on the
7:53
topic of dating apps, I kind of want to do a little fun segment,
7:55
a little something different. Actually, if you're kind of down
7:57
the clown, I thought it'd be fun to kind of go through the App
8:00
Store and see exactly what the state of dating apps and online
8:04
dating is just by seeing what's up there for people.
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And I feel like we're going to be a little shocked.
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I think we're going to be a little gagged.
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I think maybe a little disgusted, but this could be
8:11
fun, right? Let's see what the scene is
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giving right now. First up, starting strong, the
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app Hunch. You heard me right, Hunch.
8:22
Wild babe aside, Hunch is a self-proclaimed personality
8:26
based Stadia where you answer prompts instead of photos, which
8:30
OK, period. Kind of sounds like a Hinge dupe
8:32
but like let's continue. Their advertising here has
8:35
buzzwords like done swiping, dry vibing.
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It's giving compatibility. See how you vibe instantly and
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no more pouring openers. I'm just like seeing here how
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like everyone here is white, you know, then that's not like a
8:51
problem for real. But you know how like usually on
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dating apps, they have like a pretty like diverse at least set
8:57
of models for their ad campaigns, which are like, oh,
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wow, this app is for everybody, anyone of all backgrounds and
9:02
gender appropriations and the pronouns can be on this app, but
9:07
they're like, no, this one's not for all of that at all, at least
9:10
through their marketing. And I'm looking here at the
9:12
reviews and they're not looking great at 3.7 with some of the
9:15
main titles here being only a little.
9:18
I would change one star. Wow Mass Majora was not having a
9:22
good time here, said not good, others saying serious issues,
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not great, good idea, terrible execution and another scam app.
9:30
And the thing about hunch, if you wanted to know more about
9:32
the app without having that as one person puts it, download
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another scam app. The only other real information
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you can find on this app is through all of the paid
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advertisements as they have going on on TikTok.
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It's very similar to the stuff we were.
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Just talking about. Before what do you mean like
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period, having like a TikTok marketing budget is T, but like
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allegedly this is not going back into the app.
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The name of this app itself is unfortunate at best only because
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it is seemingly counterintuitive being named Hunch but also
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having the main tagline be intentional dating in real
10:00
connection. You know, hunch kind of gives me
10:01
the same vibes as grinder and one thing we all know about
10:04
grinder. Well, maybe not all of us.
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I know there are allies watching before the girls.
10:08
If there's one thing we know about grinder is that there is
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nothing intentional for real on that app.
10:15
OK, you don't go on that app to date.
10:16
You don't go on that app to fellowship.
10:18
You don't go on that app to build community.
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You go on that app to do all that nasty stuff.
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So really seeing the apps name like this makes you inquire, is
10:27
this intentional that they purposely name this app
10:29
something subversive, something akin to a double entendre to get
10:32
the clicks? Because when you first read the
10:34
name Hunch, you think it is a hookup app.
10:36
But then you read further and you're like, oh wait, the
10:38
advertising is really targeting people who are trying to get out
10:40
of situations, ships and get into something real and
10:43
apparently polite. And of course, to cap off this
10:46
app review, how can we possibly forget the weekly or monthly
10:49
subscriber fees? Right now they're sitting around
10:51
999 a week or 2999 a month. Oh, a steal that.
10:56
We just love spending more month on dating apps and we do
10:58
streaming services because clearly that's what we all need.
11:01
For Brandon's sake. I do want to say there is a
11:02
limited free version, but according to comments under the
11:05
app, you only get a few actual swipes before you're prompted to
11:09
the paid version. OK, Hunch, sound off in the
11:11
comments. If you're a fan of Hunch, then
11:13
we have another app that's more intentionally spicy.
11:14
Cold down and the app logo here really tells you what vibe the
11:19
app is going for. And I'm really just kind of
11:21
gagging over these screenshots like the first of the next.
11:24
It's a secret. You already know where this is
11:28
going when they use the term open minded because what do you
11:32
mean over 16,000,000 open minded people?
11:35
Open minded to what's? What exactly is there to be open
11:38
minded about? Whenever I hear open minded I
11:39
think about one tick tock of like that hung day boy.
11:42
I put my number. So call me if you're open
11:45
minded. This app essentially presents
11:47
you with two options, either get down or get dates.
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And yes, that is the terminology they use.
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Get dates. OK, I think we all should aspire
11:57
to either get down or get date. Like hey Mamas, you trying to
11:59
get date or what? Like what's good Mamas?
12:02
Like why not turn into a stud? Like what I think what's really
12:10
funny about this app is the fact that like their description
12:12
makes it seem like you can kind of get the best of both worlds.
12:14
Now, you can be serious and locked in or just like down and
12:17
flirty. But like the name of the app,
12:19
it's down. Like if you wanted to be
12:21
serious, you'd go somewhere else.
12:22
You know, like, I don't know why these apps are so afraid to say
12:25
that. They just want to be the
12:26
straight grinder because again, I know a lot of straight friends
12:28
that say that they want that and clearly there's a market for it.
12:32
But like, just don't pretend to be something you're not, you
12:34
know, like, again, I hate to keep going back to it, but like,
12:36
if you're saying that 16 million people on your app are open
12:39
minded, the mind is not the only thing open on that app.
12:42
OK, but let's move on. Next we have HUD and this.
12:47
Oh, oh, OK. I'm seeing a trend here in the
12:53
apps on the App Store item. Maybe I'm starting to understand
12:55
the issue a little bit more. So looking at their App Store
12:59
ads, as well as what I'm seeing on their website, this is
13:03
clearly the next Christian Mingle I've seen something very
13:09
holy about these fuzzy handcuffs on screen.
13:12
The eggplant in the ring here is really just giving me like the
13:16
commitment to the vegetation of. Christ.
13:22
Say hey, on their website they do have queer people.
13:24
So period, this is our first inclusive hookup app.
13:27
I mean Christian mingle app that we've seen so far.
13:29
So I'm loving this. But looking more at this app, I
13:32
have more questions like why is it trying to be a blog and like
13:36
also like a therapy speak blog at the same time as being a
13:39
hookup app? Like they're reposting articles
13:41
from psychologists and academics that have to do with the self
13:44
and like intimacy and like who's reading all that?
13:47
Like period, good for you for sharing resources, but like who
13:50
is reading all this? I'm sorry, is anyone out there
13:53
on HUD? Like what?
13:54
And who is this app for? Like this is truly the
13:56
exemplification of dot daughter and dot and daughter, You know,
13:59
it's truly the best of both worlds.
14:01
I'm kind of gagging at this. I kind of love this.
14:03
Then we have an app that's a little more interesting and also
14:05
a little bit more relevant, I'd say.
14:07
And this is the Riz app and this one's fun because this is like
14:11
modern solutions to modern problems.
14:13
Like guys like y'all get this. You don't even have to do the
14:17
dating anymore. Courting, flirting, texting,
14:21
that's a world of the past. Why would you burden yourself
14:24
with that when you could use Rizz AI dating assistant to do
14:28
the flirting and texting for you?
14:31
Like we're actually losing recipes and it's getting spooky.
14:34
And the fact that I think Rizz is like the most popular app out
14:37
of these is telling me a lot. And it has me looking at a lot
14:40
of y'all a little sideways, a little crazy, if I am being
14:44
honest. Because what do you mean?
14:45
You're uploading pictures of your text message threads or
14:47
also screenshots of like your dating profile and their dating
14:50
profile to get Rizz. AI should come up with
14:52
conversation topics, text messages, and all of that for
14:55
you. We've already seen enough of
14:57
people falling in love with AI. Like we already got that one
14:59
lady from TikTok suffering from AI and do psychosis where she
15:02
fell in love with her AI. Like what?
15:04
We don't need to go further in this.
15:07
Like dating apps are already so low effort on the dating
15:10
spectrum and like the only work that you have to do in the early
15:13
stages of bidding is to text someone back.
15:15
What do you mean you can't even do that?
15:17
This is so incredibly short sighted because at the end of
15:20
the day, this all goes well, right?
15:22
Like the rizz app works. You get your partner, your
15:24
partner falls in love with you. Are you going to be using AI for
15:27
the rest of your relationship to text each other, to communicate
15:30
with each other? Because AI is not you.
15:32
You know your potential partner is falling in love with the AI
15:35
version of you, not you. So when it comes time in person,
15:38
you're actually talking and your sense of humor isn't the same as
15:41
whatever your rizz AI dating assistant is giving you like
15:44
what now? And I'm sorry, getting back to
15:46
the app, the description for what this app is is actually
15:48
incredibly unserious. Do you need to hear this?
15:51
With Rizz, you can upload screenshots of your
15:53
conversations with your matches and even your matches bio and
15:56
receive instant witty replies tailored to your unique
15:59
situation. We get this.
16:01
Rizz isn't just a tool for online dating, it's also great
16:03
for conversations with friends or family.
16:06
OK, that's interesting. So it's just like a general GPT
16:08
response thing to tell you how to talk to anybody.
16:11
A little spooky if you're using it for all forms of
16:13
communication, but OK work. It's also clear that this is
16:16
tailored more so towards younger people because a lot of the
16:19
language and a lot of the issues and pain points that this app is
16:22
trying to fix are those that are very common with younger people
16:25
specifically like teenagers, kids and early young adults.
16:28
So it's a little spooky, especially for like the younger
16:30
people with like they're just used to using the Riz app for
16:33
all responses growing up, what that's going to do later on in
16:37
life. But you know, that's neither
16:38
here nor there as something that is both here and there.
16:41
I just can't get over the fact that they actually have a line
16:44
in it that says the more you user is, the better your Riz
16:46
sponsors gets. Like this one isn't explicitly a
16:49
dating app, but like it does need to be hung up in the same
16:52
way that dating apps do. And then just a few more because
16:55
I feel like we're starting to get the point here.
16:56
Some rapper fire ones. They have an app called tagged
16:58
that let's you live stream your dates.
17:00
Really black mirrors to live stream and also have a other
17:04
perspectives in real time while you're dating.
17:06
Like what in the love island, there's Cougar D, which sugar
17:10
Mama central if you're into that.
17:11
And wink, which is essentially a dating app threads dupe, which
17:15
is a dupe of Twitter. So a double dating dupe where
17:18
the app is allegedly filled with bots to begin with.
17:20
So yeah, the online dating's here right now not looking the
17:23
best. And truly, this list could keep
17:25
going on and on and on. Because there are just that.
17:27
Many options with that, many of them not beating the best.
17:31
There's truly a dating app for everything, but unfortunately
17:33
most of are complete wastelands in terms of actual people using
17:36
them and they're just usually filled with bots.
17:38
And if this isn't illustrate how connecting and intimacy in
17:41
dating our packaged appified and commodified, I don't know what
17:45
will. Now we've had our dating on
17:47
conversation, it's time to actually talk about some of the
17:50
real stuff that's contributing to why you will not find your
17:54
soulmate online. I know I say that and some of
17:57
y'all are cuddled up so smugly and snugly with your significant
18:00
other that you met on Hinge just laughing, rubbing your feet
18:02
together knowing oh, he can't be talking about me.
18:06
Well, in that case, you're right, you gag me a bit.
18:08
I'm not talking about you. And if for whatever reason that
18:10
is you and this really niche call out applies to you, please
18:14
comment, let me know. I want to know exactly how many
18:17
of y'all are out there. And I love for you to gag me a
18:19
little bit. I love for you to prove me
18:20
wrong. But I fear I won't be.
18:25
So yes, dating apps aren't and should not be the be all end all
18:27
of dating and meeting people. But I feel like as a society you
18:31
definitely move more and more towards not having as many
18:34
conducive ways of meeting and getting to know people in real
18:37
life, especially when it comes to Gen.
18:39
Z. And it seems unfortunately so.
18:41
But like the pinnacle of dating right now is through meeting
18:44
someone online or being someone through.
18:46
And that truly can be attributed to many different factors, which
18:48
we've talked about many times on this channel before with the
18:50
first one being say it with me. Now, I know we like to blame
18:56
everything on 2020, but really, truly, we don't really talk
18:59
about how bad and how transformative for the better
19:01
and worse we were as a generation because of it.
19:04
Because I think I speak for all of us when I say that we all had
19:07
a quarantine little thing during lockdown and the time after that
19:13
you said, who's everybody? You mean to say you didn't?
19:16
Oh, well, you lucked out, Viva, Because I'll tell you one thing,
19:19
all those quarantine situation ships or relationships did not
19:23
work out okay. During many of our formative
19:27
years, we were kind of forced into having these long distance
19:30
or at least virtually distant relationships with people.
19:32
Or we really didn't get the chance to court in real life,
19:35
didn't get the chance to date in real life because those spaces
19:37
where we would do that weren't open and available to us.
19:40
And instead we turned to tools that were already in existence
19:42
to help us with that sort of thing, with that being dating
19:46
apps and social media. Unfortunately, it seemed that a
19:48
lot of that has stuck even after the world has opened up.
19:51
And I think the reason behind that has to do with #2 again, a
19:54
common topic on this channel. So the third spaces.
19:57
People talk about like we've lost third spaces, we've lost
20:00
community centered dating. I think losing that has
20:03
devastated dating for our generation.
20:06
Like if we were living in 1989 and I said, Oh my God, I really
20:10
want a boyfriend or girlfriend. Like I hate being single.
20:13
You would go, oh, I might have someone for you.
20:16
Like let me get back to you. Whereas now if I say that you.
20:19
Literally said get back on. Yeah, you would say get back on
20:22
Hinge? Because like, where are we
20:23
meeting people in real life nowadays?
20:24
Whether it's the lack of actual third spaces to hang out or know
20:27
where to hang out, or the lack of time from the other two
20:30
spaces that you got going on to enjoy 1/3 space and to really
20:33
enjoy dating. Times are tough when it comes to
20:35
wanting to court and meet people organically.
20:37
And we're witnessing in real time the decline of these third
20:40
spaces. Or at least spaces where people
20:42
can coexist and mingle. That don't require an entrance
20:44
fee, don't involve some kind of ticketed experience.
20:47
Where you can go to a singles mixer or go to like a day party,
20:50
like an everyday people or whatever would have you to meet
20:52
people your age that are out in public just living life.
20:54
And it really makes you wonder if everyone is struggling and
20:56
3rd spaces where the baddies at. As a therapist, I get clients
21:00
all the time who are on these dating apps and they complain
21:03
about dating app fatigue. And the best people I know who
21:07
are single are not on dating apps.
21:11
You know the people who are on dating apps, they're looking for
21:15
low effort because that's the whole point.
21:18
It's convenience and these apps teach you to be very outcomes
21:24
driven and to force things that are not organic.
21:29
This TikTok makes a great point and the whole conversation
21:31
around low effort love. And I think that's a big issue
21:33
around why people aren't finding the love of their lives online.
21:36
Like the whole point of dating apps is that they're pretty low
21:38
effort, pretty easy to do. You can do it passively while
21:40
you're on the way to work, while you're on a walk, wherever, what
21:43
have you. And it's so easy to swipe
21:44
through different dating profiles, whether you're
21:46
attracted to them or not based off their appearance or like the
21:48
few things that they put on their profile.
21:50
And it's also pretty low lift and easy to DM somebody and like
21:54
the grand scheme of like dating and courting and all that.
21:56
And this pattern of behavior on dating apps trains us to buy us
21:59
towards what's easy and what's convenient.
22:01
But the thing about dating, the thing about love, the thing
22:03
about building connection is that it's anything but easy.
22:06
These are not easy, low lift things to build and maintain a
22:09
connection and to build and maintain a love is a very
22:12
difficult thing. And I think our tendency to lean
22:14
towards and seek ease in relationships is heavily due to
22:18
how we've been trained to see dating through the lens of
22:21
online dating where things are easier and more low lift.
22:24
It's like the whole concept of people online saying like, oh,
22:27
if you feel like things are difficult early on in a
22:29
relationship, then you should just leave instead of actually
22:31
working through it. And then I mean like I get that
22:33
sentiment 100% when things are dangerous or unsafe or
22:35
manipulative or whatever. But like, if it's just like a
22:37
conversational thing, y'all are having conflict over things that
22:40
you can just talk out or like work through, then you should do
22:43
that and it doesn't worry you completely cutting off that
22:46
connection and also doing that is not you settling.
22:48
That's you becoming closer to that's you forming a stronger
22:51
connection with someone and you both forming a better
22:53
understanding of each other as people.
22:55
That's that connection, that's that love.
22:57
And that's that soulmateness that everyone is searching for.
23:01
Like I hate to say it, I really do.
23:02
Like just because you find someone that agrees with
23:04
everything that you say and has the exact same outlook on
23:06
everything, you'll never argue does not always mean that
23:08
they're your soulmate. That could mean that they're
23:10
your yes man. Like sometimes strong and
23:13
meaningful connection does come from conflict and does come from
23:16
things not being easy. And I think in times like these
23:18
where we're already struggling to build things like community
23:21
and making friends, I'm unsure whether or not a romantic
23:24
connection is where people should be leaping to 1st.
23:26
Like, people are yearning to be loved.
23:27
People are yearning to find their soulmate.
23:29
And I completely get that because that is a amazing
23:32
feeling and something that I feel like everyone should
23:34
experienced. But like, you should experience
23:37
community and friendship first in my opinion.
23:39
Because I, and this might be a hot tick, I don't know.
23:41
I don't think you can be a good partner unless you know how to
23:44
be a good friend first. Because at the foundation of
23:46
every relationship, every romantic relationship can and
23:49
should be a friendship. And if you don't know to be a
23:51
good friend, how the hell are you gonna be a good partner?
23:53
Like yeah sure you can put it down, y'all can get nasty.
23:55
But like what happens after that?
23:57
What happens if the talk isn't cheap and it is what it is?
23:59
Like what happens after you all towel off in the room stink?
24:02
How are y'all gonna decide who cleans it up and how?
24:06
Y'all can't communicate people. I'm sorry that was crazy and out
24:12
of pocket but it was not a lie. It was very real.
24:15
I'm sorry. There's also like the whole
24:16
conversation around like unlimited options and how we all
24:18
see people as options all the time.
24:20
And because of the hyper visibility that we have into
24:22
people's lives and the apparent access that we have to so many
24:25
people allows us to think that we can treat people more
24:28
disposably and like there will always be more efficient to see
24:31
when like that isn't always necessarily true.
24:34
I saw someone commented somewhere something about like
24:36
the grass is only greener where you water it.
24:38
Something like that essentially. Meaning that like the grass is
24:41
never truly greener on the other side.
24:42
It's greener where you are putting time and effort to
24:44
taking care of the grass to make it greener, which is an analogy
24:47
for relationships and dating and all that.
24:49
Whoever commented that you ate, that you were tea and I think
24:52
they quoted like J. Cole or something, I am so
24:53
sorry, but like that's real. In the world of online dating,
24:56
it's increasingly easy to access the idea of people, easy to
25:00
ghost people, easy to meet people that we are never meant
25:02
to cross paths with, easy to catfish, lie and to grift.
25:05
And it just sucks that this is the space that we have to do
25:09
that. Like, I think this TikTok
25:10
comment perfectly emphasizes the intersection in the environment
25:13
of dating apps and our social behaviors because like real, the
25:16
lack of factors like accountability and care for one
25:18
another just have people jumping from conversation to
25:20
conversation without having people invest too much into each
25:22
other. And this kind of brings me to
25:23
this concept of online dating that we have where we kind of
25:26
feign closeness through texting, the concept of like wanting to
25:29
be known without having to build any form of true connection.
25:33
And that's like, one of my main gripes about like, modern dating
25:36
is that, like, people say that they want love, they want
25:39
connection. But really, when you look at
25:41
actions versus words, what they really want is a texting buddy,
25:44
someone to text with everyday, someone to flirt with, pass the
25:46
time with. But like, never actually meet up
25:48
with in person. Because you ever had an
25:50
experience where you match with someone or you met someone and
25:52
you're already texting pretty consistently, but the second you
25:54
want to set up a date to meet up in person, it's crickets.
25:57
They never want to respond. Suddenly they do not know you
25:59
exist. Yeah, I call those time leeches.
26:02
Time leeches. They do nothing but your time
26:05
and energy and give you nothing in return.
26:08
No connection, no developing of your bond, just words and yap
26:14
again. It's this feigned or faked
26:15
closeness that you have from like this parasocial
26:18
relationship you build through texting that never actually gets
26:21
to become a real connection because they're not actually
26:23
looking for that. They just want someone to fill
26:25
the space with and aren't actually emotionally available
26:27
enough or really into you and themselves that much to want to
26:31
build a real connection. Like should go on a dating app
26:33
and not actually want to date. Like if you really wanted to go
26:35
on an app just to fool around, go on hunch, go on hide, go on
26:39
any of the apps we mentioned today because those are much
26:41
better spaces for you if you are not trying to be serious.
26:44
And this might be like Internet lore, just like a fan theory
26:47
from like my POV. But it kind of seems like
26:50
millennials have a much easier, not much easier time, but like
26:54
better luck on dating apps and with online dating than Gen.
26:57
Z does. And if you are a millennial
26:58
watcher and you do date online, like let me know how's that
27:01
worked out for you in the past. Does it work out you now or do
27:03
you kind of see some of these issues because I kind of want to
27:06
see what this divide is kind of speaking to this generational
27:09
split. I think one reason behind why we
27:10
see Gen. Z have such a harder time
27:13
finding success online dating is because.
27:16
Of what I like to call the Gen. Z urge to find a.
27:19
Soulmate and to be loved deeply without really wanting to do
27:22
anything on our part to to obtain and maintain that.
27:25
No shade. It's the concept of like wanting
27:27
to receive without giving. It's why we see the loneliness
27:30
epidemic going on right now. People want the village without
27:33
being a villager. People want the community
27:35
without being a community member.
27:36
People want the love and connection without providing the
27:40
love, emotional intelligence, communication, and consistency
27:44
required to have that love and to have that soulmate.
27:47
Like, I think it's so natural and so valid for us to want to
27:49
feel loved and want people to see us for who we are, lost and
27:53
all, and to still love us even if we haven't reached that point
27:55
for ourselves yet. But again, we see rhetoric about
27:58
that all the time, but we rarely see this rhetoric from people
28:00
wanting to give that to someone else.
28:02
I see so many tik toks romanticizing like I just want
28:04
someone to love me the way I want to be loved and love me
28:07
unconditionally. But I never see someone talk
28:08
about, oh, I want to love someone through their flaws and
28:11
all. I want to love them the way they
28:12
want to be like it's never on the reverse, always receiving
28:15
and not necessarily giving. And I think honestly, oh.
28:18
This just came to mind. And I think a disconnect that
28:20
comes from that kind of plays into the whole like Gen.
28:22
Z is super punitive of it all. We're like, do we even know how
28:25
to love someone through their flaws and all when we as a
28:28
generation are so quick to be so carceral with the way that we
28:32
look at people. We don't want to see people
28:34
through their flaws because we hold their flaws against them
28:37
actively and use those as reasons not to connect with
28:40
them, not to want to move forward with them and to kind of
28:43
exile them from our lives in the lives of others.
28:46
And again, never talking about things that are dangerous or
28:48
super problematic. I'm talking about like behaviors
28:50
that you personally don't like, behaviors that you get icked out
28:53
by and not wanting to tolerate it and not really be vulnerable,
28:56
empathetic with the person at the time.
28:57
Like, how are you going to say that you want someone to love
28:59
you, flaws and all, when you run at the first flaw that you see
29:01
in others? Sorry to clock, but like it
29:03
needs to be said. And again, I'm not saying this
29:05
to be like holier than thou being like above any of this
29:07
because girl, this is a self insert.
29:10
I'm talking about me too. There's a reason there is no
29:13
ring on this finger. OK, then we have the whole like
29:16
lover boy, lover girl of it all. And this one really is a self
29:19
insert where like you have people online coming on saying
29:21
like, oh, I'm a lover boy, we're on a lover girl.
29:22
But like always end up chasing someone emotionally unavailable.
29:25
And we really do have to take some accountability in this
29:28
because if you find yourself constantly chasing after a
29:30
situation after situation after situation.
29:32
Ship in the theme. Here is like, it's not working
29:34
because the person is emotionally unavailable.
29:36
The person is just distant or like you feeling like you want
29:39
more and more and more and want that validation.
29:41
Like, are you really a lover or are you too emotionally
29:44
unavailable and kind of love putting yourself in that chase
29:47
or in that turmoil knowing that you're not going to get what you
29:50
want or what you say you want? Right now let's talk about
29:55
limerance. I love talking about limerance
29:56
because limerance be running me down.
29:58
OK, sorry, that was aggressive, but I meant that oh, he's so
30:02
kind and funny and nice and sweet.
30:04
You're kind of funny and nice and.
30:06
Sweet, who is he? You don't even know him.
30:09
Do you ever find yourself crushing on someone?
30:10
But not just crushing on someone, obsessively crushing on
30:14
someone to the point where you have intrusive thoughts about
30:16
them and it gets really intense and you don't know how to
30:18
control it? Well, I'm going to teach you
30:20
about limerance. What's the difference between
30:21
love and limerance? The reality is that with
30:23
limerance, it is obsessive and it is often not reciprocal,
30:27
whereas love is patient and it is often accepting and
30:31
reciprocal. Someone online said a crush is
30:33
just a lack of information and that really shifted something in
30:36
me metaphysically because limerence is the obsessive
30:39
feeling that you get on a crush where you just can't stop
30:42
thinking about them. And maybe you already start
30:43
planning future travel with them, future plans with them,
30:46
despite y'all only having one conversation or a few
30:49
conversations at that. Like it's like the whole
30:51
delusion, the yearning of it all that we tend to fall for when
30:54
we're just starting to meet someone.
30:55
Well actually sorry I used the wrong word because that's one of
30:58
the main things here. People can fuse yearning with
31:01
like limerence all the time. Y'all are real yarders.
31:04
For real. Like when you yearn you actually
31:06
have something to go off of. Limerence is just your head
31:09
cannon. You're just making stuff up.
31:12
When you're yearning for someone, there is a potential
31:14
that they know you are yearning for them and they might be
31:17
yearning for you back limerance. They might not even know you
31:20
exist. They might not be able to tell
31:22
you from a can of paint. And I am so.
31:24
Sorry. But let's talk about soul mates,
31:27
because that's what this video is about.
31:29
It's not crazy to understand why we might want a romantic partner
31:34
and feel like we might need one. This is the messaging that we've
31:36
received since a very young age, like the majority of our media
31:40
as youth all revolved around like finding the one, finding
31:43
your soul mate, finding your Prince Charming, your Princess,
31:46
your whatever your other half love at any cost.
31:49
And like we. See the result of that?
31:50
Because I think in modern times we see people putting romantic
31:54
relationships on a pedestal above any other form of
31:56
connection, over friendships, over family, over whatever.
31:59
But I think at a time like now where we are experiencing such
32:01
loneliness that like we should care more about our friends and
32:05
understanding that like not all soul mates need to be romantic
32:09
relationships. It can very well be that your
32:11
soul mate may just be your friend and that's OK.
32:14
It does not need to be your life romantic partner.
32:17
Your friends can be your soul mates like once you start caring
32:20
about friendships in the same way that we have been socialized
32:23
to think and care about dating and relationships.
32:25
The quality of life babes will. Skyrocket, I'm sorry.
32:28
And if you're like, OK, cool, whatever.
32:30
Is there such thing as like this fantastical romantic soul mate
32:33
that we hear about the time? Well, it just depends on how you
32:35
define it. There is no other one.
32:37
I believe that we choose who the one will be.
32:39
The problem with the whole idea of the soulmate and the one is
32:42
like, this person's going to complete you and they are going
32:44
to somehow make up for all the issues that you have, that their
32:47
perfection is going to make it so that it's OK that you're not
32:50
perfect. And that's a very dangerous
32:52
belief because no one is perfect.
32:54
Healthy thinking is this person is perfect for me even though
32:58
they're not perfect. And this is a really interesting
33:00
tape because it kind of flips the whole notion of a soulmate
33:03
on its head. It's not something that happens
33:04
to you, not something that just appears and like whisks you away
33:08
into this magical fantasy of being a soul mate.
33:10
It's something that you're actually choosing for yourself
33:12
and you choose who you love and you make it work.
33:15
And I think a lot of us have been waiting for this person or
33:17
people to just come into our lives and change things and just
33:20
be like the other half that you're missing.
33:22
That makes life make more sense when in reality, life is more of
33:25
an active process and you've got to put in the work to actually
33:27
get that. And like in terms of having a
33:29
soul mate or a twin flame in the stereotypical way that media has
33:32
presented, it can and has been pretty dangerous rhetoric.
33:35
It leaves the door open for abusive, manipulative or toxic
33:38
behavior. It allows for This is like, I
33:41
sorry I cheated babe, I know I hurt you, but I love you like
33:44
pack it up. That man is not your soul mate.
33:47
He is your soul crusher. I think a great piece on this
33:50
comes from the book all about love by bell hooks, which I
33:52
think is a staple. But in it, she's adamant about
33:54
defining love because in our society, we've let it have
33:57
individual and personal and magical and mystical meanings
34:01
which make it easy to not be on the same page of what love is
34:04
and allows for things that are dangerous and are not love to be
34:08
considered to be love under the big definition.
34:11
She argues that we should have a singular definition of what love
34:13
is and isn't and to see it as a verb, an action that we choose
34:16
to do daily instead of something that just happens to us.
34:19
And last thing I want to talk about before we wrap up this
34:20
video is the loss of the. Act of flirting like we.
34:23
Want to talk about why things are the way they are and why
34:25
you're not finding your soulmate online is because girl, we don't
34:28
know how to flirt. We have the rizz app.
34:30
It's a recipe that we've almost fully forgot how to do and no, I
34:33
promise you, you are a baddie. You are gorgeous, you are
34:36
everything and that bag of chips, sweetie.
34:39
But like having I'm pretty privileged.
34:41
Being pretty does not give you an excuse to not know how to
34:43
flirt. I am sorry.
34:45
I think all the energy has gone into copy and pasting at worst
34:48
or crafting yourself at best. An opening line to send people
34:51
in hopes. Of a response.
34:52
And that's not flirting, that's AB testing.
34:54
Flirting is more dynamic, more charismatic, shows you more
34:57
about who you are as a person while also building some kind of
35:00
romantic or general tension, connecting in conversation that
35:04
feels witty, organic, and that's just something we don't see as
35:06
much anymore. I think some of the comments
35:08
under this TikTok really presents information in a good
35:10
way. Whereas like, we want as much
35:12
information about people as possible and don't really leave
35:15
as much room for mystery reading in between lines or taking
35:19
action as an indication of character, which are the typical
35:21
hallmarks of flirting. We want to be told what to think
35:24
of someone rather than fighting that out ourselves through
35:27
conversation and through that sense of almost romance.
35:30
It's almost like that difference between like instant
35:31
gratification and delayed gratification in terms of like
35:34
flirting and getting to know somebody.
35:35
Like truly, what happened to having fun?
35:36
What happened to flirting? Like we just don't read our
35:38
phone and be giggling and kicking our feet like we used to
35:40
know more like it feels too sterile, too federal.
35:44
We're losing recipes, people. But All in all, to wrap this
35:48
video up, have people found partners online through dating
35:51
apps in social media? Sure, yes.
35:53
But like I've been saying before, this has increasingly
35:55
become more so the exception than the rule for online dating,
35:58
which is really disillusioning when you consider that all of
36:01
these apps and tools should be making it easier when in
36:04
reality, they're actually. Not at all.
36:07
It's definitely making access to having a texting and pen pal or
36:10
maybe a little hookup easier, but that's about it.
36:13
From these sinister and deceptive paid apps to the
36:16
lackluster socializing and not being honest with ourselves as
36:19
to our role in dating and loving as a generation, we've become
36:23
rightfully disheartened with the concept of dating.
36:26
But I must say, we can't give up hope because our soul mates are
36:30
out there. Hope is truly all we have.
36:32
And if you are single and a lot of your amazing friends that you
36:35
love dearly are too, that must mean that there are also other
36:38
wonderful people out there that you can go and connect.
36:40
With they just likely aren't swiping on dating apps from
36:43
being completely honest. So go outside, meet some people.
36:46
And whatever you do, friend, do not get back on Hinge.