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I Was Drunk and Naked in a Hotel Lobby in New York · Recovering Out Loud

0:01
Hi there, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
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Podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
0:08
addiction. I'm so glad you're here.
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If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or
0:13
alcohol, please reach out for help.
0:16
Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering
0:20
Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com.
0:26
You are no longer alone. Oh OK and dude so who tapes your
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sets? Like who is that?
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I set that all up, yeah. You really so you don't have a
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guy that like so you just set up a camera on a tripod and run
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your set and. Yeah.
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And then I have mics that I plug into that and then I'm like that
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I bring up on stage. That's awesome.
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Wow. And then you clip your own stuff
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and put it on. Yeah, that's the part that I
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could get someone to do for me. Yeah, you're now the third
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comedian I've had in here. I appreciate you.
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I think you know a few of them. I had Andrew in here and then
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Mark Anthony, Who I Oh, yeah. Yeah.
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I've known him since high school and he's a great dude.
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Man, I didn't know he was sober. No, he's not.
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He's not. But I was like, I got to have
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this guy on here and he fucking made me.
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He just made me laugh. I love comedy, dude.
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I fucking love stand up comedy. And I'm really happy that you
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came down, Braden. I appreciate you.
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But yeah, we'll get into a little bit about your journey
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and how, you know, what brought you into sobriety.
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But I also want to know about like the comedic process and
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like what that's like doing sober.
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So I guess we'll, we'll start off just why don't you tell us
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like a little bit about growing up and what was that, what that
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was like and how you found your first.
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It was drink drinking, right? Was your your thing?
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Yeah. For the whatever.
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Yeah. Drinking and cannabis was, was,
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you know, a big part and that kind of took off in high school.
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So I like I grew up in, I grew up in Saskatchewan in a small
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hockey town and there's like 5000 people.
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So played hockey at a young age. And I think like a lot of that
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was like you were kind of like determined, like yourself worth
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based on like how good you were at hockey because that's how the
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community perceived you or so it felt anyways, when I started
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getting, you know, into teenagers, teenage years and
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stuff. I'm still playing hockey.
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My dad, he worked a lot. He worked in oil and gas.
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My mom was stay at home mom. And it was I had a good family.
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I had a good upbringing, but there was a lot of chaos.
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There was a lot of there was a lot of drinking in the
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household. There was a lot of fights and I
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internalized a lot of that. I walked around on egg shells,
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you know, as, as even as a kid, you know, I would walk around on
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egg shells, you know, afraid that, you know, if I did
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something, you know, a fight would start or I'd get yelled at
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or something, right? So I lashed out.
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You know, in schools I was kind of always the class clown, you
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know, looking for validation or approval for from people there
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because I maybe wasn't getting it at home.
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And then when I was like in grade 9 and grade 10, that's
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when I found booze and I found weed and like, I, I was like, I
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drank alcoholically from the start.
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I was just like the partier and it was just like, the more you
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do, the more people would watch. And I was like, oh, here's my
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validation. It was almost like I was doing
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stand up. You know, we're looking for
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approval from people 'cause I'd be like, oh look, I can drink
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that beer or, oh, there's beer or there's a cigarette butt in
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that beer and nobody wants to drink it.
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Sure, I'll do that, you know, just for attention, right?
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Whether it was girls or guys, you know, I just wanted people
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to, you know, and I'm still a bit like that.
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But yeah, it, cannabis was the thing that when I found it, I
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was like, oh, this is my guy. Like this makes it all better,
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you know, And I, I would blow off opportunities.
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I would, you know, all my responsibilities were out the
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door from from the time I was like 15 years old on I just
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smoked pot and smoked pot and it just like it, it numbed it
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numbed me more than anything else did.
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And you know, I still drank throughout, but you know, I
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would go to school high. I was just always getting high.
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And another part of like the growing up in the hockey town
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was like playing hockey at a young age.
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I think this is something that a lot of hockey players or young
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men, it's maybe a little different now, but I think it's
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caused a little behavioral problems.
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I would say it did for me. In my experience growing up and
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playing hockey, I was taught that you can drop the gloves if
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somebody emotionally activates you.
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That was how you dealt with like conflict or something like that,
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right? Like somebody rubbed you the
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wrong way on the ice, you got heated, you were frustrated.
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It was OK to drop the gloves and physically assault someone.
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You know it. That was accepted in hockey.
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And so I, that was really how I learned how to manage my
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emotions. Emotions, you know, at a young
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age was, you know, if I got upset and, you know, also what
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I'd see from my parents, you know, if they were emotionally
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activated, you know, they weren't like physically abusive
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towards me, but they would be emotionally abusive.
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They would, you know, they would get in fights and stuff like
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that, like verbal arguments. And so that's kind of how I
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learned how to manage my emotions was like, oh, I can get
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a reaction by, you know, either like fighting somebody or by
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being like, you know, emotionally abusive or, you
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know, using my words to like, lash out at somebody.
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So that was kind of how I learned how to manage my
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emotions and everything. Did that come out a lot in like
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outside of hockey too? Were you fighting at school and
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shit? Yeah, yeah.
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So in the later part of, in the later part of like high school,
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I was actually even on, yeah, even as a kid, I had a.
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Fight in the parking lot before I came in here I.
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I fought a lot when I was a kid and when I was in high school
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and stuff like that. Like I remember we would play
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like, like street hockey games, you know, And I would, I'd end
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up fighting somebody or I'd go to a buddy's birthday party and
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it would turn into like me fighting like the three guys
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there. And like, generally, because it
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was just like, I got to a point where I couldn't handle what was
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going on. And then it would just like the
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fist, the cuffs were out. And yeah, that was like, it
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really came to a spearhead. When I was in high school, my
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parents, they got a divorce. It was a messy divorce.
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They separated. And after they separated, I got
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like, I was in like 3 or 4 like major fights within like a
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couple weeks. Like the cops were involved and
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I had like, you know, those charges got dropped, but they
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were like, you know, I fought a guy in the lobby of our like
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hockey rink. You know, kids were running
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around and I'm like fighting this guy.
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Like I just had no, there was no brakes on that.
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And so, yeah, I started lashing out at people basically because
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of what was going on at home. I was lashing out at people.
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And anybody who you know, that I remember there was a guy who he
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had, he had said something that emotionally activated my, my
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girlfriend at the time. And she told me that, you know,
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he had, he was mean to her. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to
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kick his ass. And she was like, please don't
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like, please don't like, I feel bad for the guy, like I don't
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want that. And as soon as I seen him, I
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like threw him into a locker. I gave him a couple shots to the
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ribs. And like, you know, looking back
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at it, you know, I've made most of those amends.
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I've apologized to most of those people that I harm.
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But yeah, I definitely came out. You mentioned like the weed kind
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of numbing you out by the way, the wanting to be as accepted
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and fit in and like the attention.
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I can resonate with that. And a lot of people that sit in
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this chair, I'm finding more and more that that's a lot of the
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reason why people start using drugs and drinking is 'cause
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like it's, it's an in, right? It's like I don't feel connected
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now. I do, you know, all these
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people. For me, it's like all these
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people are on cocaine or drinking.
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And once I start doing it, I feel like I'm a part of, you
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know what I mean? I, I feel like there's like this
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buzz in the room and everyone's laughing at my jokes.
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Like to your point, my jokes are funnier.
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Like I'm, I'm just a man, right? And then it works until it
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doesn't. So I I can resonate with that
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completely. And it's like, well, it's like
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they say, like, you know, the opposite of addiction is
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connection, right? And like, that's literally an
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addiction. It gets to a point where, OK,
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yeah, this worked for us to have like, you know, oh, I'm oh, I'm
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feeling like I fit in or I have validation from others.
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But more often than not, it eventually if somebody gets
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sober, it ends up with isolation.
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And then you're stuck being that person you were off the start
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just alone, like using in your room, waking up in the morning
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drinking wine, you know, like I was.
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And just feeling like, so like, just like the guilt and shame
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and just like hating yourself like so much like to the very
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core. That's how it was for me
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anyways. Just being so afraid to of like
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somebody finding out how bad it is, you know where you're at.
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I remember being at a party one time and you know, we're all
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doing lines in a room and I put mine out and it was like 3 times
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bigger than everyone else's. And I noticed that right.
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But I like, I didn't, it just, that's what I need to do, you
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know what I mean? And I remember one guy looked at
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me. He goes like, you're gonna do
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all that. And like I'm getting goosebumps
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thinking about it because those were the kind of things that
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pushed me into isolation where I was like, I can't, like I'm not
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like everyone else, you know what I mean?
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Like these guys are doing coke like once a month maybe at that
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time and they're going home at the end of the night, right?
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I'm finding the after hours and, you know, drink until I I can't
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anymore, you know what I mean? So that was like, that was a
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moment for me where I was like, something's something's wrong
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here. This is different, right?
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And then to your point, you get that guilt and shame of like,
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why am I so fucked up, right? And what do I do about it?
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Yeah. Why am I unique?
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Yeah. And that's where I feel like
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that's something that, you know, with me being in, I've started
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to realize that like, oh, I'm not unique.
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I'm not fucking, I'm not special.
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I just have this thing, I have this, this disease of, you know,
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I would say addiction, not, not just alcoholism.
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I have addiction like the disease of addiction.
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I mean whether it's. Whether it's gambling, whether
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it's women, whether it's tuna. I got addicted to red tuna
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sashimi the first time I got. Sold.
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Shit's good. Yeah, like one in the morning.
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I'm ordering up tuna and like, my girlfriend at the time is
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like, what are you doing? I'm like, I need it.
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I just need it like, you know, I can.
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Anything that makes me feel better or takes me out of my
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comfort zone, I'm all in on it. And I can't do it in moderation.
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Yeah, I can't. Or Timbits, right?
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Timbits you, You made a video about Timbits the other day.
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I was dying. I go through all these different
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little things when I get sober and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is
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where I'm like, really? And then I go, oh, OK, this is a
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problem. I got to cut that out, you know?
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But I mean, to have the self-awareness is is that's the
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gift of recovery, right? It's like, OK, I'm doing this
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thing. You can kind of like zoom out a
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bit. I'm doing this thing.
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This could get out of hand. It's not going to kill me, but
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this is the pattern is what leads me down the road, right?
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Yeah. And I think it's a mix of like
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when you get sober, it's like finding what things that give
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you, what things can give you that dopamine rush or give you
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that addiction thing that you're that you're looking for that are
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healthy, you know, like working out, you know, things like that
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or reading, you know, anything that can give you a dopamine fix
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that's going to make your life better or make you a productive
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member of society. It's like, all right, sign me
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up. Yeah.
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Those things I can do. But those are always the things
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I don't want to. Do you know I'm?
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Like, I don't want to go work out.
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Like, why would I do that, you know, have a healthy life.
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No, Come on. Hard work.
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Yeah. I'd rather, you know, hack darts
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and drink coffee, you know? Right.
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Like, and that's just, you know, that's just part of like that
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dopamine feeding cycle. Right.
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Would you say comedy falls into that category too?
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Like, can you get addicted to the laughs too?
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Yeah, I think like comedy. I, I've, I've gotten addicted to
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comedy, getting addicted to doing sets.
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And again that, you know, I got into comedy because I was
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looking for that validation. I was looking for that approval
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from others, that thing that I always was craving for the same
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thing that I do in my relationships.
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You know, I'll be a people pleaser in relationships because
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I'm like, oh, please validate me, tell me I'm enough.
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And like, does that go all the way back to my parents?
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Like, and it's not that they were like in the wrong, they
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just didn't know how to be like, Hey, you're good enough.
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Like this is fine. This is OK.
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So does that stem all the way back to this like inner child in
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me? That's like, hey, somebody tell
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me I'm worth it. I don't know.
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I know that That's why I started doing stand up was I wanted the
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approval of I wanted everybody in my old hometown, everybody I
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grew up with, you know, old bullies and stuff like that.
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I wanted them to see, holy shit, that guy's like living his
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dream. That guy's doing stand up comedy
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in front of like, you know, and I wanted to be, you know, the
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biggest stage ever, be on TV, all that and be like, I showed
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you, you know, And then that became like, I got addicted to
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like the approval of the audience, like random strangers,
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you know, people I'll never meet.
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I'm like, I'll be on stage and I'll be like, oh, please, like
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what? Oh, I need to get a laugh.
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Oh, why can't I get a laugh on that, you know, And then I'll go
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up and do a set where I know I'm going to do only my best jokes
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just so that I get laughs all the time because, oh, there
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might be a pretty girl in the audience or oh, you know,
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there's a big audience here. I want them all to like me.
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Whereas like I'm like, well, why don't I try new jokes?
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Well, what if the new joke doesn't go good and then they
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think that I'm a failure? Then that inner child is like,
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oh, you suck. You didn't get your approval.
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It's crazy, man. And I feel like you can get a
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big thing for me is like, I'll get addicted to like social
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media, like the follows and like, like posting and like the,
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the metrics and stuff on it. Because it's like, it like we've
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been conditioned now in the in 2025, like this era to be like,
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oh, your worth is based on how many followers you have, how
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many likes you have. And it's like, it's crazy that
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people are like, oh, that's what I'm going to use to validate me.
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That's what I'm gonna use as a metric.
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Yeah, no, absolutely. I agree 100%.
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And especially if you do it sort of full time, right, there's a
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lot of people that kind of half ass use Instagram for still to
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check. Like my wife, she uses it just
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to check what her friends are doing.
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Like yeah, yeah, I used to be like that and I kind of miss it
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to be honest. Yeah, because now I'm like doing
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it full time and yeah, it's like I have to check myself every
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day, dude. Like I literally journal about
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it because it, it's frustrating. It's like, how do I just let
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this go? Like it doesn't matter.
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I'm putting out content that is hopefully helping one person and
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in in your realm, helping people, whether it's laughing,
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because dude, laughter, fuck, man.
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I can't tell you how many times I've been like in a in a weird
15:30
place, whatever emotionally and I've laughed at a video and I
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just, I forget about my problems for 30 seconds, right.
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Yeah, so, but yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's really
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difficult to kind of just let go and put it out there and
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whatever happens happens. Like it sounds so easy just to
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talk about and surrender, but surrender is, it's a it's a
15:48
bitch, man. You've so you've you've relapsed
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right a few times. Yeah, yeah, me too.
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How did you like, how did you bounce back from that and what
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did that look like? So this this recent time that I
16:00
relapsed was 37 days ago. I had a slip.
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It was one day I, I had some stuff going on.
16:10
I, I don't even know what it I got like I got into an argument
16:18
with my mom and then my head went to, oh, I need to pick up a
16:24
drink. Oh, I need to numb this.
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I don't want to feel how I'm feeling right now.
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But also, I knew in that moment that, OK, if I pick up or I
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drink, you know, that that's going to lead to me dying.
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That's going to lead to me dying.
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I didn't care. I didn't care.
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And I said the way I was feeling, the shame and the guilt
16:45
I had in my chest. I listened to all these voices
16:48
in my head saying you're a fuck up, you're a failure.
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You've treated everyone terrible your whole life.
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Like, you do deserve that, you know?
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So yeah, drink. If you end up dying, good.
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You know, good for the world, good for.
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And that's where my disease takes me.
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That's where my disease and my like stinking thinking so to.
17:08
Speak will take me. Fuck it.
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Yeah. Fuck it.
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And so then I drank and then it was crazy 'cause I had a bunch
17:16
of people. I do, I do online meetings a
17:20
lot, Monday and Friday, Thursdays.
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And they're guys kind of scattered like LA and, and here,
17:28
you know, in Toronto and kind of all over North America.
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But it's a really tight knit group, you know, and all these
17:36
guys started calling as soon as I told my sponsor I drank, they
17:39
were all calling. And I'm like, oh, why weren't
17:41
you calling? You know, why weren't you
17:43
calling last week? You know, why didn't you pick up
17:45
when I called you last week? But I mean, that's, you know,
17:48
everybody gets busy and that's like, is that me?
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I was. The thing is, is when you drink
17:54
or when you relapse after you've had time, it's not fun.
17:58
Like there's nothing worse than having a belly full of booze and
18:01
a head full of recovery because you're just like, I don't want
18:05
to do this. Like, you know, and you know how
18:08
guilty it is, you can't have fun doing it.
18:11
And so a bunch of the guys from our group were calling me and
18:15
calling me and I was like, I'm not picking up.
18:17
I'm not picking up. And then finally I picked up my
18:19
like best buddies call and and we chatted and he gave me the
18:24
riot act. He's like, really, you thought
18:26
this was the reason? Like So what you were dealing
18:29
with emotional shit. Like, you know, you think that
18:31
this is going to make it better. You know, it's not like get in
18:34
the meeting tonight, like air it out and like get back on the
18:37
horse. And I was like, I'm not going on
18:39
the meeting. And then the next day I went out
18:42
golfing and this is where it got crazy.
18:45
I was out golfing the next day and I was like, OK, I don't
18:48
really want to drink. I don't want this to become a
18:50
runaway. I know my life is infinitely
18:53
better when I'm sober than it is to be in high or drunk.
18:57
So I went out on the golf course.
18:58
I had some 0 beers and I smoked a couple joints.
19:02
I go off the game, I go back and in the back of my head I was
19:06
like, OK, well I'm going to go to the casino and I'll have a
19:09
beer. Maybe at the casino.
19:11
I didn't know if I was going to drink or not.
19:13
I was like, maybe I'll do the zeros.
19:15
I had a hunch I was going to drink.
19:16
I was definitely going to smoke the joint and go to the casino.
19:20
I get into my truck, my truck won't start and I'm like, oh
19:23
perfect, here's my reason to drink.
19:26
You know, once I get my truck started, I'm going to go and I'm
19:29
going to because pour me woe is me.
19:31
So instead of calling a tow truck, I go and I asked like 6
19:34
guys for booster cables in the parking lot.
19:37
Nobody's got booster cables. This is like Deer Creek an hour
19:40
outside of Toronto. And finally I go and I asked
19:45
this last guy and the guy goes, yeah, I got cables.
19:47
He goes, I'll meet you over by your truck.
19:49
Cool. Couple minutes later he comes
19:52
up. I got my truck.
19:53
The hood's popped as he pulls his vehicle up and he gets out.
19:56
I saw his face and he was a member of my Home group.
20:02
Fuck off. Yeah, he showed me how to make
20:04
coffee. The very first service position.
20:07
Wow. Six years ago.
20:09
I know, dude. And I looked at him and I was
20:11
like, somebody's like, all right, we'll see you later and
20:14
said his name. And I was like, then I repeated
20:16
his name. I'm like, are you a member of
20:19
the Hill? And he's like, I thought that
20:21
was you, Raiden. And I was just like, Oh my God,
20:25
man. And he's just like, he's just
20:26
like, well, this is my act of service for the day.
20:28
But as I saw him, I was like, is it odd or is it God like there's
20:35
this is not by chance. This is an hour outside of
20:37
Toronto. Like it was just.
20:40
Especially in the middle of that where you're at too, like.
20:42
Yeah, the middle of where I was at.
20:43
I told him that I slipped yesterday.
20:45
I told him. And he's like, we'll just get
20:47
back on. Like, you know, everything will
20:49
work out. Like, don't be hard on yourself
20:51
and, you know, get back to meetings, call your sponsor.
20:55
And I just knew that it was like, God and my higher power
20:58
being like, dude, I'm right here.
21:01
Like, yeah, you're in this headspace, but like.
21:04
Here's the answer. Here's the answer.
21:06
When I was down and out and I needed a boost, a a was there.
21:09
That's crazy. Yeah, it was crazy.
21:11
So after that, I'm like, I haven't had a drink since that.
21:15
I'm not gonna. I still smoked a joint that
21:18
night and I went to the casino, but I'm out.
21:20
Guilty as. I you need dopamine somewhere.
21:22
I said I can, I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do this, but I
21:26
did. I mean, but that was the last
21:28
thing I did. That could have went way
21:29
differently, though, right? Like, if that didn't happen,
21:32
who? I mean, I just, I, I play out so
21:36
many scenarios in my head, right?
21:38
Where you mean you were ready to self destruct, right?
21:40
You could be dead. You could have died, right?
21:42
Drink and drive. There's so many, there's so many
21:44
avenues that that could have went in.
21:45
Yeah, yeah. And that was just a shot that
21:47
you needed at the time to be like, OK, like this is the
21:50
direction we need to be heading in, right?
21:52
Yeah. And I think it was also like the
21:54
day that I drank, I was like, oh, I'm not enjoying this.
21:59
Like, I don't like this. I'm like the beer that I'm
22:01
drinking. I don't like it.
22:02
I, you know, I would think about it being sober, being like, oh,
22:05
a beer that's good, that tastes good as I was drinking, I'm
22:08
like, this is like, shit like this isn't good.
22:11
I don't enjoy this. Honestly, it's just a little
22:14
weird. But Donald Trump got me sober
22:17
because there was no, I like the Napa Valley red wine and I
22:22
couldn't get Napa Valley red wine.
22:23
So I was like, yeah, well, it's not worth it, you know, I'm not
22:26
going to drink. So in a weird roundabout way,
22:29
his tariffs in that thing you. Know we don't, have we?
22:33
Don't have American booze. I was like, wow, there's no
22:35
point in drinking wine, you know, if I can't have my
22:38
favorite, you know? My dad went to a party the other
22:41
day where he was bragging to me about how the people had so much
22:45
money that they paid someone to go to Alberta to get bourbon and
22:50
bring it back to Ontario for their party because there's
22:52
people that were drinking bourbon there.
22:53
I was like, Oh my God. That's wild.
22:57
But it's like that's where and and so that just shows also like
23:01
the level of addiction that you can have for something where
23:04
it's like, Oh no, like I only have my thing.
23:08
You know, I'm not going to drink Ontario red wine.
23:10
I'm not going to drink BC. It's like no Napa Valley.
23:14
I got to spend 80 bucks or something on a bottle of wine,
23:17
which is just stupid, you know, but for whatever reason it
23:22
wasn't available. So I didn't get the wine and I
23:25
wasn't off to the races, but. Well, I'm glad you're here, man.
23:27
I mean, it's for me, it, it's my last relapse was a bad one.
23:33
It took me 4 months to get back in.
23:35
And to your point, like I maybe had moments where I was like,
23:38
this is nice. And, and, and when I, when I
23:41
think back now, I don't miss the high.
23:44
And I say this all the time. Like I don't, it's not the high
23:46
that I miss. It's it's the lack of
23:48
responsibility that I liked being able to just kind of throw
23:52
your phone away, not work, look at your calendar, not have to be
23:55
an adult, kick your shoes off. That's that's where my cravings
24:00
go, right. And so like my last relapse,
24:03
there was a lot of that, but I had four months of that where I
24:05
was surfing from hotel to hotel because my wife kicked me out.
24:08
I was like living the dream in some moments because I had
24:11
freedom it, which is it's asinine, right?
24:13
It's insane because I was dying every day inside.
24:16
Like I hated it. I absolutely hated it.
24:18
But that little bit of, again, like that little bit of lack of
24:22
responsibility, I got this under control because I can do
24:25
whatever I want. I can choose my next move.
24:28
That's what it is for me. It's like this illusion of
24:30
control that drugs and alcohol bring me.
24:32
But it it's absolute chaos, right?
24:34
Absolute chaos. And yeah, it's your point.
24:36
It's like I was not having fun. But it was really hard for me to
24:39
go back to rehab the third time. And I'm happy I did because, I
24:43
mean, I got to a point where I, for one, I ran out of money.
24:47
I didn't run out of drugs. I ran out of money.
24:49
And I would have found a place to keep going, but I was just at
24:52
a point where I was getting kicked out of the Royal York
24:54
downtown because I couldn't afford to stay another night.
24:57
And I think I've told the story before, but I'll tell it again
25:00
quickly. I'm sitting in the lobby and I'm
25:03
trying to like move funds around on my phone to like stay there
25:06
another night because I wanted to keep going.
25:08
And it was just so exhausting, dude.
25:09
Like I was so exhausted. I had ordered Uber Eats and a
25:13
similar situation where everything was just going wrong.
25:16
Like the, the guy delivered my food like 6 blocks down.
25:18
I hadn't eaten in like, you know, 24 hours.
25:21
I had to go and get my food. Like it was just all these
25:23
things where just like, dude, just stop.
25:25
Like, you know, you have a, we a rehab bed waiting for you.
25:28
Just you know what I mean? And couldn't find money, all
25:31
this stuff. And they're like, Sir, we're
25:32
going to have that like clear out your room.
25:35
I'm like, OK, you know, fine. I'll go get my stuff.
25:37
She's like, no, no, the security guard is coming down.
25:38
He'll escort you out. And I was like, oh, fuck, you
25:41
know, my room, I had like, probably, you know, every single
25:44
countertop had drugs on it, right?
25:46
All my like I was doing ketamine and coke at the time and all
25:49
these pills and everything was all over the place.
25:50
I was like, no, no, like, don't worry.
25:52
That guy, she's like, no, no, he's going to come.
25:53
So I'm sitting in the lobby and it probably, it felt like an
25:56
hour waiting for the guy. I mean, I was probably 10
25:58
minutes. And I to your point, I'm in my
26:00
head, I'm like, all these people in the lobby know exactly what's
26:03
going on. They're all looking at me.
26:05
What a piece of shit. Like, how did I get here again?
26:07
Like I was doing so well. How did I get here again?
26:09
I'm getting kicked out of a hotel.
26:10
All these people are living their lives and here I am like
26:14
lower than dirt, right? So the guy comes he's, he's got
26:17
like the James Bond fucking earpiece and he's wearing a
26:19
suit. I'm like, Oh my, I'm going to
26:21
jail. Like 100% I'm going to jail.
26:23
He's like, let's go. We get in the elevator.
26:24
It's like 4 floors. Felt like it was 60 floors,
26:27
right? Just me and him in the elevator.
26:29
At one point I turned to him and I just go, buddy, like, do you
26:33
mind if like, and I'm like, I'm drawing up this conversation in
26:35
my head, like, OK, we gotta like ask him so we don't go to jail,
26:38
right? Like, do you mind if I just,
26:39
like, clean out my room and you, like, give me a few minutes.
26:42
He looks at me. He just goes, oh, yeah, of
26:44
course, no problem. And we go to my room and he
26:47
leaves. He's like, I'll be back in 20
26:48
minutes. I was like, oh, thank God.
26:50
Open the door. My clothes are everywhere.
26:51
It took me like half an hour. And then, of course, what's the
26:54
first thing I do? I take a bump of ketamine and
26:56
I'm walking around my room cleaning up.
26:57
And I don't know if you've ever done ketamine before.
26:59
I'm like fucking like teetering over.
27:02
I can't see I'm, I'm sweating. I'm trying to clean up.
27:04
I'm like, like, why is that my first response?
27:07
But it's like you said it. I was so uncomfortable and
27:09
there's so many emotions of like, Oh my God, like, how did I
27:13
get here that I couldn't handle it?
27:14
And I need to do drugs to like cope with that feeling.
27:17
And so I eventually got out. I'm dragging my clothes like a
27:19
homeless guy down the street and I call my wife and I'm like, I'm
27:22
done, right? Like I'm absolutely done.
27:24
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
27:26
I don't want to use anymore. And you know, that was almost
27:29
nine months ago and hopefully this is my last time 'cause I
27:33
hear this set a lot. But I, I agree with it.
27:35
It's like I I definitely have another relapse in me, but I
27:39
don't know if I have another recovery man.
27:41
I can honestly say that. You know, that's where I was
27:45
with this last one where I was just like, OK, I got to nip this
27:47
in the bud quick because I know how bad it can get.
27:50
Like the bottom, my bottom before that, like this doesn't
27:55
really sound like a bottom. Like, oh, that was your aha
27:58
moment. You had like an argument with
28:00
your mom and then you drank for one day.
28:02
The bottom came like months before that, like last summer, I
28:06
had had like, so Long story short, like I got ran over by a
28:11
car when I was when I was, you know, I was in active addiction.
28:17
I got ran over by a car. Then I got sober and there was
28:23
there was like I got after like 5 years I got a settlement and
28:28
after I got that settlement I like went off.
28:32
So dangerous. Like it dude.
28:33
It was just like. Just giving that amount of
28:36
money. Yeah, And I was just like, Oh my
28:37
God, dude. So I was like, I was all over
28:41
the place, man. I went to Costa Rica for a
28:43
month. I went to like Scotland,
28:46
Ireland, Portugal for three weeks.
28:48
Went to Mexico twice. Dude, I was drunk one night at
28:51
the fucking comedy bar. I was drunk there and in the
28:56
morning I woke up on an airplane landing in fucking Mexico.
29:01
I booked a trip to Mexico while I was black.
29:03
And you got yourself there, so I.
29:05
Got there, gone on the airport like.
29:07
We're a fishing people flight. Oh yeah, we're determined.
29:10
Well, I think what it. Was was I had been cut off a
29:12
couple months before I got cut off of the one flight.
29:15
I, I can't remember if I got kicked out of the I don't think
29:19
I got kicked off the flight, but I definitely wasn't allowed to
29:22
sit in the one seat. I think maybe they kicked me off
29:25
the flight. I can't quite remember how it
29:27
was. I think it was I had paid for
29:29
the emergency exit and then they wouldn't let me sit there
29:31
because I was too drunk. That you're not helping anybody.
29:34
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, you're not going
29:36
to help anybody. I'm like yeah, yeah.
29:38
And I got this. So I think I was so like, hyper
29:41
aware of that, that I like, went through all the motions and I
29:44
was like, oh, I'm going to be like, I'm good.
29:47
And yeah, I like, like, came to on the plane.
29:50
We were like just landing. And I kind of came to and I
29:53
like, looked at the girl next to me.
29:54
I'm like, are we landing in Mexico?
29:57
And she was like, yeah, I'm like, fuck.
29:59
I knew it because I'd been looking at it the day before.
30:01
I'd been looking at flights. And it was like, it was a cheap
30:04
flight. And like, you know, I was like,
30:07
all right. And so then I was like, I didn't
30:09
know though. I landed and I'm like, fuck, who
30:11
did I book a hotel room? Did I book everything?
30:13
I didn't know that. As soon as my phone clicked on,
30:17
I was like, oh, I, I got a deal on the flights, the hotel rooms
30:21
I like, got a super good deal on it.
30:23
I'm like, man, I'm bargain shopping while I'm hammered.
30:25
I don't have a problem. Yeah, yeah, it's.
30:27
Pretty good, right? I have a solution.
30:29
Yeah. And so then I I posted a thing.
30:31
I was at the pool then I had a beer and I posted a thing and
30:35
and it was my, she's my ex now. But we were off and on and we
30:40
had been off and on at the time and she called me and she's
30:43
like, are you in fucking Mexico right now?
30:45
And I'm like, yeah, it appears so.
30:48
And she's like, I am so disappointed in you.
30:50
Like she just gave me the riot act.
30:52
And I was just kind of like, whatever.
30:54
And I went on like a run for like 4 or five days.
30:56
And like, I was like, I was at that point where it was like, I
31:01
honestly didn't care, man. I was like, it was like you
31:04
said, like to fuck it. I was like, oh, I'm gone.
31:07
Like I don't have a responsibility.
31:08
I don't need that. But what does it matter?
31:11
Like, oh, I'm going to do the same thing back in Toronto.
31:14
I might as well do it on a beach or a hotel in Mexico, right?
31:18
And so I had like, so I blew all this money over like a two year
31:25
period. And then last year I was in New
31:28
York. I went down there for your
31:29
comedy show. And at the comedy show, I
31:33
started doing blow with these guys.
31:36
And then that night we're doing blow to like 4 in the morning
31:39
downtown, like lower Manhattan, NY.
31:43
Like, I don't even know how I got home.
31:45
Like, anyways, I get back to the hotel and this story's crazy.
31:50
I'll match like your hotel's story, the shame of it.
31:54
So I get her. So I'm staying downtown, Times
31:58
Square, New York, and I get back to the hotel, it's like 3 in the
32:02
morning, something like that. I got a bag, I got a bottle of
32:06
wine and I got some joints and I'm like, what am I going to do?
32:09
Drink in my hotel room? My hotel room is so small and
32:12
like depressing. I was like, yeah, I'm going to
32:15
try and get on the roof. And so I like took like I went
32:18
out to the top floor, took a fire escape and I got, I'm
32:21
resourceful, man. When I'm drunk, I'm resourceful.
32:24
I get out onto the rooftop and, and it was crazy, dude.
32:28
The view, there were all these skyscrapers.
32:30
It was like an Adam Sandler movie, you know?
32:33
And I sat up on top of the roof like, like the sun was down, you
32:36
know, I'm looking at all the skyscrapers in the night and I'm
32:40
drinking booze. And like, it was, it was kind of
32:43
cool, I'm not going to lie. But once Coke was gone, once the
32:47
wine was gone and once the joints were gone, I was like,
32:51
well, maybe I should just jump. You know, if I'm up here, maybe
32:55
I should just jump. And I didn't because I was like,
32:59
oh, I want to try like a, a Jewish, like New York bagel.
33:03
I was like, I'm going to have a bagel tomorrow.
33:05
That was the thought, yeah, that.
33:06
Was the thought. Then I was like, OK, don't kill
33:08
yourself. Go have like the locks.
33:10
And it's like the locks. And so here I think it's called,
33:13
Yeah. So I wanted to get the bagel in
33:15
the morning. So I go down to my room, I pass
33:17
out and I wake up like 20 minutes later and I've got like
33:21
crippling anxiety. Like I'm coming off the coke now
33:25
and I'm like, dude, just do it. Like go up there and jump off.
33:28
Like who cares? My family at that time wasn't
33:31
talking to me. My ex was gone.
33:33
Like I literally damaged every relationship of my life.
33:38
And I just didn't feel like there was a point in anything.
33:42
And I was like, all right, I'm going to go up there and I'm
33:43
going to jump. But I sleep naked.
33:46
So I'm like, what am I going to put my clothes on to do it?
33:48
Like, no, I'm going to do it naked.
33:51
Because if I just jumped off, my friends would be like, dude, you
33:54
hear about Brayden, like he jumped off a hotel and you're
33:56
like, yeah, but you hear he did it naked.
33:59
It's like, well, he was a funny guy, right?
34:02
So I was like, OK, I'm going to do it naked.
34:04
So I get out there and like I go to jump.
34:07
I can't do it. And I start crying.
34:09
I pray. I'm like, God, why?
34:11
Like, why do I? Why am I so messed up?
34:14
Why do I think this way? Everything right and I'm like,
34:17
OK, I've decided I'm going to live, you know I'm not going to
34:21
jump. But now I go down to get back in
34:23
my room and my room's locked and I'm.
34:25
And you're naked? Yeah.
34:27
So it's all like 4:30 in the morning and I'm like, well, 4:30
34:31
in the morning, I'll be able to go down to the lobby.
34:33
I'll just go to the front desk and get a key from them.
34:35
Like that's just, that's my only option.
34:38
I don't have another. I've tried kicking the door down
34:40
it didn't work so I go down the fire escape and I like walk down
34:44
the stairs. I found there was like laundry
34:46
hamper. I found like a hand.
34:48
Why did you have to? Oh, from the roof?
34:49
You went down the laundry. Yeah.
34:50
So I went down the stairs, right?
34:51
I didn't want to go down the elevator.
34:53
I was like, I was hiding, man, I'm Naked.
34:56
And so I'm like going down the fire escapes And I found like
34:58
this laundry thing and there wasn't like a full size towel.
35:02
It was like a little hand towel. So I like just barely wrapped
35:05
it. Like couldn't even cover me.
35:07
It just covered my dink. And so I got that and I get down
35:11
into the lobby and I'm like, all right, just run up to the front
35:13
desk, get a key, no problem, right?
35:15
I step out of the fire escape stairs and Times Square, New
35:19
York, 4:30 in the morning, 70 people in the body pumping,
35:23
pumping. And I'm just like, I should have
35:27
jumped. I'm just like, what the fuck am
35:29
I going to do? So I see like I look over the
35:32
elevator was just closing. I like jumped into the elevator
35:35
because I'm like 70 people staring at me naked.
35:38
Jump in the elevator, there's a couple in there and they're like
35:41
looking at me, like what the fuck?
35:42
And I'm just like, like, look down.
35:45
I think I maybe said something smart to him, like good morning,
35:48
like, you know, I don't know. So I get to my floor, I go up to
35:53
my room and I like just try like breaking down the door.
35:55
I'm like banging on it, still naked.
35:57
I'm like, fuck, got to get in, got to get in.
36:00
I can't get in, so I go and I go back into the OR into the fire
36:05
escape and I'm just on the stairs and I just like broke
36:08
down and I just started crying and I was on my knees and I
36:11
prayed and I was like, God, I'm like, Get Me Out of this,
36:14
please. I'm like, please, I'm sorry.
36:17
Like I'll work out the relationships with my family.
36:20
I'll get sober again. You know, I'll work on my mental
36:23
health. Like I'll do therapy.
36:25
Like please just Get Me Out of this.
36:28
I need you right now. Please Get Me Out of this.
36:31
Soon as I said that prayer, I walked down one flight of stairs
36:35
and on the side of the OR on the wall, there was a phone just
36:39
sitting on the wall phone. And right above it said lobby.
36:43
I pick it up or no, yeah, it said lobby.
36:46
And I pick it up and this girl goes front desk and I'm like, I
36:49
got locked down to my hotel room.
36:51
I'm Naked. And she just goes, we'll send
36:54
someone up like she's heard it. But I swear, if you went there
36:59
right now, that phone's not there.
37:02
That was my God. Like that was my higher power.
37:04
He put that phone there. He bailed me out.
37:07
And at that time I was like, that was the bottom.
37:10
Like that was like really, really bad.
37:12
That was the bottom. And then I was like, OK, I need,
37:15
I need I, I didn't get sober right after that.
37:18
You know, I went to a psych era, not a psychiatrist.
37:22
I should have went there. I went to What's the Palm
37:24
readers? Oh, it's like, yeah.
37:27
It's like yeah, yeah. Afterward, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:30
I went to one of them the next day and I was like, let's see if
37:33
she knew what last night it was like.
37:35
But yeah, so the wheels were, the wheels were back in motion
37:40
at that time, 'cause I had had two years before that.
37:42
And then I went out and it was like 3 years.
37:45
And that's where this like really came to.
37:46
Yeah, yeah. And that's crazy.
37:48
I mean, it's like as you tell that story, you know, you can
37:51
laugh about it and, and it sounds like, you know, it's just
37:54
one of those, again, one of those stories.
37:57
But even as I tell my stories too, it's like you remember what
38:00
that was like, you know, and those feelings, like not a lot
38:05
of things in life bring that amount of chaos in your brain
38:09
and your emotions. And it's it's just a horrible
38:11
place to be, right? It's a horrible place to be.
38:14
And then like, I'm going to kill myself.
38:15
I'm not going to kill myself like this back and forth.
38:17
It's just like, yeah, that's where addiction brings us,
38:20
right. That's where addiction brings
38:21
us. But I mean, yeah, if everybody
38:23
had one bottom, like, there'd be a lot less treatment centers and
38:27
a lot less addiction resources because we wouldn't need it.
38:30
We're stubborn, right? And addiction is patient.
38:34
It's cunning. It's baffling.
38:35
It's powerful. So yeah, I can resonate with
38:38
that for sure. That's hectic, man.
38:42
Yeah, I was not. What's comedy like today?
38:46
Like what have you been? So did you used to do stand up
38:50
like hammered or have you all? Yeah.
38:53
So what's the how is that? What's that like the difference?
38:57
I don't know, it's weird because I felt like I was always like
39:02
like drinking or something. Gave me an edge when I was on
39:05
stage. I'd always, you know, I always
39:09
thought that I'd do well, you know, when I was drunk.
39:11
But there are, there's definitely shows that I didn't
39:14
do well when I was drunk, but I didn't remember them because I
39:17
was like, Oh, who cares? You know, I, but for the most
39:22
part, like I did do really good when I was drunk.
39:25
And I, I told myself that like, Oh, I need to have a couple of
39:29
years before I go up. Oh, I need a little buzz on to
39:31
get up. Because when I go on stage, if
39:34
I've been drinking, my Saskatchewan comes out like way
39:37
more. But and on stage like people
39:39
kind of like that here in like a little different.
39:42
Especially if they're not from. Yeah, so I always thought that
39:46
it gave me an advantage, but now that I've been sober and I
39:51
perform, I'm like, oh, no. Like it's just like anything
39:54
that you think you're better at drunk, like you're better at it
39:57
sober with like a full brain and like a full, you know, emotions,
40:03
not being numb. Like that's a big one is like
40:06
like pot. Like I'd always smoke pot before
40:08
going on stage. And then like, I'd be like, I'd
40:11
have a good act, I'd have a good set.
40:14
But like, I'm also like numbing, like, you know, 50% of my
40:18
emotions, you know, before I go up there, I'm not being like
40:22
energetic and I'm being like, you know what I mean?
40:26
It's not you. Right.
40:27
No, So now that I'm like completely like unfiltered and
40:31
it's like 100% raw coming from the gut, it's complete sober
40:35
emotions and stuff come out and I'm like, my ACT is way better
40:39
now than it than it ever was. My brain's quicker.
40:44
It's like formulates jokes faster.
40:47
Sometimes. It's like like when I, when I
40:49
had the slip 37 days ago, I had, I came up with ideas because I
40:53
had like smoked a joint. Then I was like, oh, that's a
40:56
good joke. That's a good premise.
40:59
I should do that. And I was just like, like the
41:02
creativity. And I'm like, see, I need this.
41:05
I need this. But in reality, I'm not doing
41:08
any of those jokes right now. I think I tried them.
41:11
I think I tried them once or twice and they didn't do well.
41:14
And I'm like, oh, this wasn't as funny as I thought.
41:16
It was, you know, we don't do that to you.
41:19
Yeah. I do perform better.
41:23
It's tough managing sometimes the sometimes the emotions of
41:28
it. Like if it's a big show, the
41:30
nerves come in and it's like, Oh yeah, I got to get used to like
41:33
being nervous again, you know? Yeah, that's tough.
41:35
But but being nervous and going on stage can play in your, like,
41:39
can play in your favor. Like you can take those
41:42
butterflies and like fly the butterflies in your stomach that
41:45
you have like that nervousness and you can like you can ride
41:48
them like you can fly with that nervousness.
41:50
Like it makes it better I find, but it is tough.
41:54
Like sometimes even after doing really good on like a big pack
41:58
show, you do really good and then you come off you're like.
42:01
Holy. Fuck, like you get a kick, like
42:03
being on stage in front of a crowd of audience is like a high
42:06
in itself, you know? Like you get a dopamine rush
42:09
from it. So when you come off you're
42:11
harsh. Just like, like just pounding.
42:16
I'm, I've been managing it for the most part now, but it's more
42:20
so the atmosphere could be tough too, managing like, you know,
42:24
you're hanging out in bars with other, you know, friends who you
42:27
used to drink with all the time. And they're drinking it.
42:30
And everybody's respectful. Nobody's being like, hey, man,
42:33
have a shot. Like, you know, oh, what are you
42:35
doing? Like, everybody knows how like,
42:37
I fucking burned my life to the ground from drinking.
42:39
So they're not going to be like, yeah, that would be a good idea
42:42
for Brayden to relapse. Like everybody's like, no, I
42:46
respect that you don't. And everybody's like, happy that
42:48
I don't because I'm a better person when I'm sober.
42:53
But it is tough navigating, you know, being around certain
42:56
people, not certain people, just just people drinking.
42:59
You know, you, I can handle it. I can take it.
43:02
But then once people get it, once it's like 11:00 at night
43:05
and you see a little more sloppy or there's a switch.
43:09
There's a switch and you go, oh, it's time for me to go, It's
43:14
time for me to go. Yeah, and, and I mean, that's
43:16
the difference now too, for for me too.
43:19
I don't really go out to clubs as much as I used to when I
43:22
first got sober because I do love dancing.
43:24
I love music. I, I don't really go to bars
43:26
because to me, like, so I have to have a motive before I go
43:30
anywhere in sobriety. And like, I have to, I have to
43:33
have the right motive. I'll say that if I'm going as it
43:36
says in the literature, like if I'm going to things to steal
43:38
vicarious pleasure from people, you know what I mean?
43:41
Or I'm just going because like, you know, I miss drinking and
43:44
like I, I just want to be a part of the buzz or whatever.
43:48
I, I try to go now, I try to go in with the motive of I'm going
43:51
to bring good conversation to the, to the party.
43:54
And because I do, I enjoy conversations.
43:56
Why I started a podcast. I enjoy good conversations.
43:58
There's a lot of interesting people out there, but I have to
44:01
check that shit before I go, especially with nightclubs,
44:03
especially because my last relapse, I spent a lot of time
44:06
going to after hours by myself. Like, you know, you meet the odd
44:10
person in passing and like, you know, there's a lot of
44:13
interesting people out there, you know, in denial or maybe not
44:17
in denial. Maybe they're, I don't know.
44:18
It's not for me to say. But yeah, I've, I've met some
44:21
very interesting people in that that lifestyle that I don't miss
44:25
whatsoever. But but yeah, so I try to, I try
44:30
to, like I said, try to have a good motive before I go.
44:32
And if I'm going with any other reason other than like I'm going
44:36
to just enjoy the conversation, then I, I really don't, you
44:39
know, I try not to, to go. But to your point, there is a, a
44:42
point where it just, there's no purpose for me to be there
44:47
anymore because people have passed that threshold.
44:49
People start turning into zombies in the, in the, you
44:53
know, with respect to the clubbing scene.
44:55
And but for the bar scene or, or anything like that, they yeah,
44:59
there's, there's comes a point where people just kind of turn
45:01
off and you're like, yeah, I'm, I've, I've gotten everything I
45:04
can out of this situation and time to move on, right?
45:09
How do you handle? I'm assuming you've bombed
45:12
before, right? Never.
45:15
Everyone that comes here, they only I, but I'm always curious
45:18
to, to like because like a lot of people handle it really well.
45:22
And what's what's that like and how do you kind of bounce back
45:25
from there? Yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm someone
45:31
where I'll say I don't bomb often.
45:35
There's a few bombs that I remember, none that I can really
45:42
remember in sobriety. I don't think I've really bombed
45:46
in sobriety. The worst bomb I had was in
45:52
Edinburgh Fringe festival in Scotland and I was blacked out
45:57
drunk. Like I wasn't blacked.
45:59
I I knew what was happening, but I was like that whole festival.
46:02
I was drinking non-stop. I was doing coke.
46:05
I was smashing Guinness like I was just, I was off the rails.
46:10
I had lost my voice and I did a show in front of like it was
46:14
sold out. It was my own show, sold out 50
46:18
people. They were all from South England
46:20
and off the start I like I called them cunts, but I meant
46:26
to like bring it back on to me and be like, oh, I'm a cunt too.
46:29
But I didn't do that. So all these like posh, like
46:33
London, like South England, people like preppy, like Oxford
46:37
folk were like he just called those cunts.
46:39
And they I did, I did a show for it was like 55 minutes straight
46:44
and they maybe laughed twice. That's rough.
46:47
Twice people like got up and laughed.
46:50
This family got up and laughed and I was just like, man, I was
46:55
trying to give them everything. I was like rasping my jokes and
46:58
I'm like. Hey, why will you laugh you?
47:01
Know, and I just kept going and going and I was just like, at
47:05
the end of it, I went thank you, I mean, Brayden Lynch.
47:08
And not one of them clapped. Oh my God.
47:11
I turned my back on them and I just put on music and I waited
47:15
and I kept looking until they were all gone and then I laughed
47:19
and I was just like what happened?
47:21
And then I numb myself that night.
47:23
I kept getting drunker and I was just like, I think there was a
47:26
part of me that was like no, go home early because I took it
47:28
bad. I was like so in my head like
47:31
just beating myself up and I was like what happened there man.
47:35
All the other shows are being good.
47:37
And so like Edinburgh Fringe is a festival that goes for like 4
47:41
weeks straight or three weeks straight.
47:43
So you got shows every single night and then you got to like
47:47
bring people to your shows. So I woke up the next day and I
47:50
was like, all right, tomorrow will be better.
47:52
Like, you know, bounce back. I sold out the next night and it
47:56
was like one of the like top ten sets of my life.
48:00
Like I had laughs like every, I'm like, how did it go from
48:03
like massive bomb to being like, Oh, I'm a superstar and I don't
48:07
know how I, how I did that. But like the thoughts and stuff
48:11
in my head at that time were like, oh, you should quit
48:13
comedy. You suck.
48:15
You're the worst. Like, of course they hated you.
48:18
You hate yourself. Like all those voices, man.
48:23
And it's tough when that happens even like, so I've been doing
48:27
more acting now and I've been learning that I have to do that
48:31
with acting 'cause there's just as much rejection.
48:33
There's more rejection in acting than there is success.
48:37
And I've gotten a few gigs. But, you know, even last week I
48:41
thought I booked a commercial, you know, they asked if I was
48:44
available for the shoot date. And I'm like, yeah, I'm like,
48:48
I'm in the avails. That means it's between like me
48:50
and maybe one other guy. And so I'm like, yeah, I got it.
48:53
I'm sober again. Things are going good, you know,
48:56
And that was on Friday. Then this Monday came, didn't
48:59
hear from them. Tuesday didn't hear from them.
49:03
And then it just went to, oh, you're a piece of shit.
49:06
There's that rejection. And like, I'm the worst with
49:10
rejection. And I'm just like, oh, you're
49:12
going to be alone the rest of your life.
49:14
You suck. You should quit acting.
49:17
Nothing's going right. You're a loser.
49:19
And I just listen to all those voices and it's tough, man.
49:23
I've been talking to my to my sponsor about it.
49:26
And he's like, yeah, but those things aren't true.
49:29
He's like, you are a success. He's like you got to the he's
49:33
like you got to the last stage before book and the commercial.
49:36
It was between you and one other guy out of probably 100 others.
49:40
Like you are a success. You didn't drink today.
49:43
That's a success. Yeah, yeah.
49:45
Like he's like stop like beating yourself up.
49:48
And he'll always say that he's like, there's nothing I could
49:51
say to you that is worse than what you say to yourself.
49:56
And it's like that's just true with every alcoholic or addict,
49:59
right? Like we just beat ourselves up
50:02
non-stop. So that's a the part where I'm
50:04
like, I'm still learning how to navigate that a bit.
50:07
I'm still trying to grow in that a little bit and be like, oh,
50:11
there's rejection there or oh, that person doesn't like me.
50:15
Oh, that woman doesn't want to date me.
50:17
How to like just be OK with that without this inner child, this
50:22
inner kid going see, I told you we were fuck up or we're like
50:25
whatever, or like I just want to be loved.
50:27
Like I don't know, man. I try and do it like I've
50:31
noticed if I have my regular routine, I do my gratitude list,
50:36
I pray, I meditate. I find it easier that I can
50:41
catch those voices when they start coming and going.
50:44
Oh, that's not true. You're here, you're now, you
50:47
know, where are you here? What time is it now?
50:50
They'll be like, did I drink today?
50:51
No, I didn't. I am a success.
50:54
And it's like, it's so tough reminding yourself of those of
50:57
those wins, you know, especially with the way the world is right
51:00
now, you know, all the negativity in the past couple
51:03
weeks, it's, it's easy to get caught up in that stuff.
51:06
But a couple weeks ago, I was feeling this way, feeling this
51:10
rejection and stuff. And I was walking down like TIFF
51:13
was on. And I was like, oh, you know, I
51:16
would love to be like in one acting in one of these movies
51:18
and stuff like that. And like, oh, I'm never going to
51:21
get there. I'm a failure.
51:23
Da da da da da da da da da voices in my head going.
51:27
And I just stopped. And I was like, dude, you were
51:29
in a movie last month. You have an agent.
51:33
You consistently go for callbacks, you're doing stand up
51:36
comedy, you have a comedy tour coming up next month.
51:39
You're recording an album. What do you mean you're a
51:44
failure? You've done all the things.
51:46
Years ago, before I even moved out here, this was all I ever
51:49
wanted. I had wrote down on a piece of
51:52
paper, I hope, I wish one day. I wish I would wish on like 11
51:58
elevens on Shooting Stars. I would say I wish that I live
52:01
in Toronto and I and I act and I do comedy and I have a condo
52:05
downtown. I have all those things down
52:08
there. So why do if I have all those
52:10
things that I wish for 10 years ago, why, if I have the life
52:15
that I wish for, do I still find a way to be like, you're a
52:19
loser, you're a mess up, you're a failure, you suck, you don't
52:23
have any like what? What do you mean?
52:27
I'm literally living my dream life, yet I convince myself
52:31
every day, my disease rather, or my negative thinking convinces
52:34
me every day or tries to convince me every day that I
52:38
don't that I'm a failure and I need to worry about something.
52:41
But that's also an indication of being like, oh, maybe I'm not in
52:44
the moment right now. Maybe I'm not in the present.
52:47
How can I bring this back to like, you know, getting out of
52:50
my head? That's where I think when people
52:53
talk about like service in the program, that's a huge thing
52:56
because it gets you out of your head and you know, and that
52:59
maybe that's where I'm faltering right now.
53:01
And you know, even just saying this out loud right now is kind
53:04
of like a check and balance for me being like, oh, maybe I
53:06
should do more service. Maybe I should help more people,
53:10
you know, then I would get out of my head instead of waking up
53:14
and going, oh, I need to do this.
53:15
Oh, I need to do a tour here. Oh, I need to get success on
53:18
this platform. Or why don't I have this?
53:20
Yeah, Why don't I have this? Why don't I have that?
53:24
I can relate so much, man. I it's so hard for us to be
53:26
grateful. Like it really gratitude eludes
53:28
me like every single day. And that's why the gratitude
53:30
list was so important because one of my favorite quotes too,
53:33
as you were saying that, and I can relate to that so much.
53:37
But one of my favorite quotes and I wanted to get this printed
53:39
on AT shirt. It was like, remember when you
53:42
wanted what you have now and you you said that, right?
53:46
It's like there was a day where you're like, dude, I'd do
53:48
anything to fucking get in a fucking movie or get to Toronto
53:51
or, and now you have it and it's like, yeah, well, you know,
53:54
what's next, right? You're like, what's, what's the,
53:57
because it's never enough. The material things are never
53:59
enough, you know? And that's why gratitude comes
54:01
in and plays such a big role. But it's, it's really tough,
54:03
man. So I appreciate you saying that
54:05
because I think a lot of people can resonate with that, you
54:07
know? Yeah, I think.
54:08
So just being happy where you're at, being where your feet are,
54:11
it's it's a skill that needs to be practiced every day.
54:14
I have a tough time with the gratitude list.
54:16
Like I'll find that I'll just say the same things everyday and
54:20
like it still works. Those are things I am grateful
54:23
for. But I'll be like is there
54:25
anything else? Surely there could be something
54:28
new I'm grateful for. Then it's like I I'll write down
54:32
weird things on my gratitude list, like I'm grateful for, you
54:35
know, my ex and causing, you know, the toxicity that she did
54:39
because now I've changed, you know, I'm grateful for my life
54:43
experiences that made me hit a bottom like, which is like some
54:47
people think that's counterintuitive, but I think
54:49
there's a good thing. It's kind of like a remember
54:51
thing, you know? Yeah, that adversity is a gift.
54:55
It just you just don't see it yet, right?
54:57
100%. Oh, it's amazing, man.
54:59
Let's wrap up with this 'cause I, I got a lot today.
55:02
Thanks for coming down man. I appreciate it.
55:04
Let's wrap up with this. Thank you.
55:07
If you could say something to someone coming off of fresh
55:09
relapse right now, what would you say to them?
55:14
Be kind to yourself. Just yeah, as my sponsor told
55:22
me, picture yourself as like a newborn baby.
55:26
You know, if you were holding a newborn baby, there's nothing
55:31
that that newborn baby could do that would make you be like, oh,
55:36
you're stupid or like smack it or anything.
55:38
Like you're going to treat that with like, the most care and
55:41
love a baby in your arms. That's how you should treat
55:45
yourself. Love that.
55:47
Forgive yourself. There's an old you and now
55:51
there's a new you coming off a relapse.
55:54
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.
55:56
Treat yourself like that new baby and get to meetings.
56:01
Get to meetings. Go to a meeting every day.
56:04
Get a sponsor. Call your sponsor.
56:09
Try and work the steps. And when you're thinking of
56:13
drinking, call someone. Call someone who's done it,
56:17
who's done the 12 steps, who's or who's sober if that's not
56:21
your Ave. If 12 steps isn't your Ave. just
56:26
surround yourself with like minded people.
56:28
But like first and foremost like be kind and forgive yourself and
56:32
be loving towards yourself. Love that.
56:35
Yeah, that sounds awesome man. Thanks so much brother.
56:37
Appreciate it. Thank you buddy.
56:41
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56:46
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56:52
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56:59
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57:02
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