Latest / Creative Roots Podcast / The Child In The Middle - Deloris | Ep.55

Transcript

The Child In The Middle - Deloris | Ep.55 · Creative Roots Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: As a parent, you can show up and still not be present.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: Say it one more time.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: You can show up and still not be present.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't really angry.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: I thought I was gonna be, but I think I was just more so happy to see him.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: And he did explain what happened.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: With my mom, she's always been the one that's like, hey, call your dad.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: That book was birthed from my grandchildren.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: And what I have seen and have witnessed.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Truth in the air, let it speak.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: How will I know if he really loves me?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: I say a prayer, every heartbeat.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: He can say he thinks and he can sing, so don't oversell him.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So Dolores, you, this book and mental health awareness month.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're here.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: All is happening.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: So you wanted to know why I wrote the book?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: No, we ain't got there yet.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just wanting to know how are you today?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: I am doing well.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm doing really well.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: Pushing and winning, but I'm doing really, really well.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: I'm in a good space.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's good to be in a good space.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Especially this space, your favorite cousin's house.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of that, welcome back to another episode of Creative Roots Podcast where C Sown Become Visions Grown.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I am your host, Tay.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I am Shamar Tay's trusty sidekick.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: What's happening?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to give a shout out to Alan Look Studios.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to thank us.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to Charlotte Podcast Studio.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to thank us.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And shout out to Artbox Charlotte.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to thank us.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And there we have it.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Today, y'all, we are continuing the theme of Mental Health Awareness Month.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: The author that I have sitting here with us has written a very thorough book that hits on so many different things.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to put the bookmark back in here.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know how these episodes go.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: We are sitting here with Dolores.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: She is the author of The Child in the Middle, because I always get it wrong.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I always want to say the middle kid.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that ain't it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: So we are going to allow Dolores to introduce herself and speak just a little bit about this book.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hope she don't get too much up front because we gone, we got to talk.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So go ahead.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: Hello.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: I am Dolores Calhoun Wright.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I am the author and I wrote the book, The Child in the Middle.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: And you're right, Tay.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's not the middle child.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's not the older sibling and the younger sibling in the middle.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: Not that middle child.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's the child that's in the middle that's navigating two households, navigating two homes, just in the middle of just going between two households, two addresses.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: That child that's dealing with parents that may have have a problem with struggling with co-parenting, and they have to kind of carry that, don't understand what's going on.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: So it's that child that's in the middle that I wrote the book about.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So the child in the middle has nothing to do with siblings.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: This has everything to do with the co-parenting aspect.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: From co-parenting, this is a deep topic.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Lord Jesus, help us today.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, because I was that kid, right?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But for the most part, I stayed with my mom.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I would go visit my dad, but for the most part, I stayed with my mom.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's how most kids are.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, most kids are like that.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um actually, I was that child as well in the middle.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: So this is coming from it's no theory, it's nothing that I read.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's actually something that I actually lived.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: So I was that child that was in the middle, um, navigating two households, the decisions that my parents made.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: I think they forgot that I had to grow up one day.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: So it actually impacted and then influenced my whole life.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so the co-parenting didn't go well because they didn't co-parent uh at all.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: So um I ended up being that child, um, being raised by a single, you know, mother, first by my grandmother.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and then just as life began to unfold as I grew up and got married, um, there was no father.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: You know, my mom covered up a lot, you know, of things.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um whatever decision they chose, whatever happened to them.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was raised in Alabama, born and raised there.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: So my dad went to Florida.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: She went to Connecticut.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I was left with my grandmother in Alabama.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: So um, I went through my whole childhood.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: I did not meet my dad until I was probably in my early 40s.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: So I went through a whole marriage, children and everything.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: And um, yeah.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: 40s.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, early 40s was when I first met my dad.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: What was that experience like?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: It was, uh I um I was happy because I always I'm a daddy's girl, and I always wanted to call daddy, you know.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I was happy to see him.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't really angry.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: I thought I was gonna be, but I think I was just more so happy to see him.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: And he did explain what happened.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's funny.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, back in the 60s, things happened.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so it was funny when he explained what happened.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: He did have an opportunity to apologize to my mom.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so they did um get together after 40 years.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: But um, after seeing him, I was just so happy.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I always just prayed to God to just please don't ever let me see my dad for the first time in a cassette.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And God did that.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: I seen him three times before he passed away.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: So I was able to visit him in Florida.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: He did get a chance to meet my children.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: And um, so yeah, it was it was kind of a bittersweet.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: Because I did feel angry there for a minute.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like, where were you?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know, but then after he explained, it was all the why, why, you know, but he explained, but you can't, you know.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Those are very important questions because as a child, all we know is you weren't there.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it plays out in a lot of movies and TV shows, you know, the dad's not there.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one of the most famous things shows was Will Smith, you know, First Prince of Bel Air.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of people remember that episode.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they don't remember the whole episode, they remember bits and pieces, but they remember his dad still walked out.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if I remember correctly, there was still no explanation.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: It was just a visible, tangible state of what took place.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for me, like, my dad is still there, but we still not as close as I would want us to be.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so you know, for me, sometimes it's like I don't care nothing about him.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, whatever, whatever.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But if he calls, we'll have a conversation.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if he tried to rush me up the phone, I try to squeeze in as much as I can.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and then even in the midst of just being like, he ain't really been here, if I do see him, you know, there's still that little boy that still longs for that father.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to my kids, I make sure that they never have to deal with that.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I talked to my oldest son earlier, and I'm like, hey, we gotta paint the wall.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, oh, okay, cool.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, so you gonna paint with me?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, uh, probably not.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, listen, you're 14.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had to really get you to understand manly things.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he he helped change um my wife's brakes.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, you learn two things in one motion.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: You learn how to change a tire and you learn how to change brakes on a car.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And not just any car.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You learn how to change brakes on an electric system brakes.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, you learned a very valuable skill that some people will never learn.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: Will never ever get and learn.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_02: That is so true.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_02: And that is one of the um things, should I say, that I actually went through, you know, um, by me being, you know, I had my children as teenagers, so as young.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: So it's almost like the generational cycle.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: I try not to, because my dad wasn't in my life, and my mom covered up all the things.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think she was more embarrassed, like, oh my God, you know what has happened, you know, she doesn't have her dad.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: And so when I had my children, did the same thing.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we were teenagers, and we didn't think really that, okay, these kids have to grow up one day.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: We just knew that we had two kids as teenagers and that we had to take care of them, whatever that looked like.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: And so we did the best that we could.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: And again, um, as things and as life went on, I tried to cover from him just like my mom did for me.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so we didn't co-parent that well.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: And so now that my children have children, I'm looking at them and they co-parent, but I know what effective co-parenting looks like, and I know what ineffective co-parenting looks like.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: So, with that being said, that's another reason as well that I wrote the book.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to change that generational cycle because I'm looking back like if my mom had a co-parent, and maybe she could have taught me better.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: So then now what I know, I could have co-parented, and now I could tell my children.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: So it's literally a cycle.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so, you know, really this this it was really a legacy.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: This really came from a whole place to where I actually seen my grandchildren until I became a grandmother, is that's when it really actually stood out to me.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's when it stood out to me as the navigation between the households and the decisions and the choices and the emotions and all the things.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: But at the end of the day, if adults do not, or if they're not mature, now should I say, in the decision and choices that they make, the child is gonna always be effective.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Always, if they're not um effective, and if they're just not respecting, if they don't communicate, if they don't work together.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: Co-parenting comes with flexibility.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: You have to be willing to be flexible.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: Things happen, life happens, circumstances we can't control.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: But if the co-parenter, one of them is bitter, angry, have not forgiven the other one, have not healed, it's gonna be a problem.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: And the child is gonna always be affected.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's a huge, dynamic, um, deep rooted trauma.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because with my mom, she's always been the one that's like, hey, call your dad.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Call your dad, call your dad.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You should go see your dad, go see your dad, call your dad.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was talking to my dad at one point, you know, he was like, I know your mom was talking bad about me.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, My mom never said a single bad thing about you the whole time.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess that's what he was expecting.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: And and that's not what happened.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: And that's important because I didn't, my mom didn't talk bad about my dad.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: And guess what?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't talk bad about their dad.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: They found out as time went on, you know.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, they found out as time when I never ever, and that's one thing you don't do.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: You try not to ever, ever talk bad about the other parent, you know.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it'll reveal itself as time goes on.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: But um, you know, a lot of times children, they do feel it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_02: They feel the silence, they feel the emotions, they feel it when parents don't get along.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of times parents don't get to see that part because it shows up in the classroom.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, they just carry something that they just don't understand.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_02: You think children are not listening, and they are.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: They hear the telephone conversations, they see the struggle sometimes that the mother has to always show up, you know, for schedules and just a constant adjustment, constant routine, constant schedules, still trying to show up and and and be that that show because you're a mother, you know.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: And then, you know, this is vice versa.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's not really all just for mothers.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: I get it.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: There are a lot of guys too that are single parents, but then there are co-parentors that get along very well.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: I commend you.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: My biggest key is consistency.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's the key.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: So I commend them that get along, but the ones that don't, that are having a little struggle with it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's um just be careful that, you know, you you really want to that communication, the communication, cooperation, which that comes with a seed of wisdom, that maturity.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um, do it with grace, do it with a purpose.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: You know, co-parent your kids with a purpose.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, because you're gonna be intentional about it.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: And when you be intentional, kids, I just don't like how sometimes I think people put kids as like a legal obligation.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: They're not.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you gotta be honest, first of all, at who you are and where you are, regardless of the situation of the past or the circumstances.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but I don't think kids, it's not fair that kids have to carry that weight that they didn't ask to.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: They don't understand, they don't know what's going on.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: But as adults, we understand kids should not have to carry what we were not able to resolve as adults.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: And so I just think with honesty, and just be accountable.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: Once you be accountable, then you can be responsible.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: Nobody shouldn't have to tell you what to do when it comes to your children.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: Because they're your lifeline for a lifetime.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: And um, matter of fact, that's one of my mottos in the book.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: But um, this book carries a lot.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um after writing this book, I thought I was writing this book for a legacy for my children.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: So legacy really just to encourage parents to kind of just choose and collaborate and communicate differently.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: You know, um, give them some type of hope, letting them know that even during conflicts and complexities that co-parenting still exists.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: It it still exists.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's still possible.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: It is possible.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: It is, it's very possible.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you just have to choose to cooperate and communicate differently.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and again, just be more mature about it.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: And um, but my legacy, getting back to my legacy, my legacy was for my um grandchildren.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: And it was to um let them see and know that we they have to grow up one day.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, they may have families, and this is how it should be done because it is effective, and it does affect the children.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: They're the next generation.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_02: It doesn't affect us, it's the children um that's actually again placed in the middle of that.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: So my legacy was to leave it for them um and just to have something for them the rest of their life to be able to go on in life and just know how to deal with your children with the um other parent.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I agree.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um I know with all of that, um, I know your book deep dives into very specifics, right?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um if there was a chapter in this book that you feel people who wanna jump around, which chapter do you think for people like us should be the first chapter to read?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or should they just hit the ground running cover to cover?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good question, because pretty much uh a little bit every chapter in this book hits the uh my favorite chapter is the uninvited third parent, chapter seven.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I was the uninvited third parent, just a grandparent, you know.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I've got a lot that uh I'm controlling.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: It looks controlling if you don't take the initiative.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: So it's not that I was controlling, but just as a grandparent, you try to fix it.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: You try to fix it.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so when you try to fix it, because you know these are children and they can't do for themselves, but as a grandmother, it's a whole different type of love being a grandmother.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_02: So um, when you see something needs to be done, you're just gonna automatically go and do it.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: They're children, they can't do it for themselves.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: So I don't even think about the parents.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: Um yeah.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I guess without give the parents an opportunity and a chance.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, I just go ahead and do it.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah, but um, the uninvited third parent.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: But there we're talking about mental health.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: There is a chapter on mental health, and sometimes that's where it begins, you know, because everyone, you know, we all the way they say you do everything, the way you do anything.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of people have a lot of deep root issues and trauma and problems that they haven't dealt with, adults.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: Um people go through depression, they go through a lot.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: That doesn't look like me and you.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: So, with that being said, um, you have to really, really dig deep down.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: And again, we all have past, a lot of it comes from my childhood, but if you haven't addressed that, and if you haven't really healed from that, that's gonna carry on with you.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's a lot of weight you carry on the inside.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes it does come out across, you know, whether to the other parent or a lot of times on the child.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: So um, you know, self-care is very important because, you know, we're already dealing with life as it is.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_02: And so we need to take that time to take care of ourselves.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we haven't healed on the inside.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you can cover up and look good on the outside, but baby, if you ain't got the inside together, it's it's a whole lot because you can look good on the outside.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: But um so self-care is important.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_02: Journaling, I journal a lot.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of this book here comes from journaling, just my emotions, just what I went through as childhood, being married twice and being a single mother, and you know, all the things, you know.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so everything that I've written down that I've felt, that I've experienced, all that came out um in that book.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I see so many of it though.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: I see so many.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: It's like everywhere.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_02: Ever since I wrote that book, it's almost like you get in a car and you don't see that car.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: But then when you get the car and you start seeing a lot of this, everywhere, okay, same way it was about this book.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: Wrote the book, it's on co-parenting how I was just focusing on co-parenting, how parents co-parent, whether it's good, bad, whether it's working, not working.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: And I knew it existed, I seen it a lot, but now it seemed like everywhere I go, I hear an incident or a situation to where I'm like, oh wow, yeah, that co-parent in there went wrong.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_02: Or I can tell, wow, yeah, he's really angry.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: She's with someone else.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: You and you can see it, like I said, just certain situations that I'm in.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: I can be a smoothie king, I can be at a gymnastics, I can be wherever.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_02: And if you co-parented, it is the other parent weekend sometime, and you can just hear some things.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just sitting there, and sometimes I can hear a lot of things that's transparent from, you know, transpire from a parent that he's went over into the child.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I could tell, I said, yeah, it's pretty bitter there, you know.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: So um I I see it and hear it more and more and more.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Since you wrote this book?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, since I've written this book, I see it and I'm like, it is really, really deep and it's serious.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_02: But I hear it and I see it a lot more everywhere I go.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_02: I hear it.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: See it.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: So when you do see these instances, and if you're anything like me, you're probably gonna agree.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you not sometimes just want to be like, hold hey, hey, hold a, let me help you.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: But do you have to remember?
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know these people.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: That part.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_02: Right now, I need y'all to come to my event.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway, without I um, yeah, I be want to fix it.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be like, wow, there's another way that you could have said that.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_02: You know, um, you could have um said it this way, but I I get it.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_02: I hear it, I get it.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I really do be wanting to fix it, but um, I know I can't.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_02: So um I don't because you just never know what kind of state they're in, and you really don't even know the circumstance of the situation.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: Um yeah, but I I I it is so serious because I just see the effect.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's all I'm saying.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: I just see the effect.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: And then, like I said, I see some co-parenting where it works well.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I know what effective co-parenting look like, the impact that can have if you work together, respect and communicate flexibility, all the things.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because at the end of the day, the child just wants to feel secured, just loved, protected, heard, nursed, all the things, especially if they're navigating two households.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_02: You know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that goes my next question.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was gonna ask you.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: So for those that are in this co-parenting state and they're like, this is wrong, like, what is the biggest thing that they need to know even before they deep dive into this book?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: What is the the main thing they need to know?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: That it is possible.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_02: Put God first, and I've always said that, I've actually said that in one of my videos.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_02: When you actually literally give your co-parenting to God, I'm telling you, it's a whole different perspective.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, just hand your co-parent over to God.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: Because, you know, God entrusted us the stewardship.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_02: He did, you know, with these children.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: So before you even deep dive and go into this book, you do have to look within yourself as well.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: Because I know a lot of times, you know, are you protecting your child from, are you really protecting them, should I say, from a lot of, let me put it right to where I want to say it the right way.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_02: You can protect your child as a protection from things that are going on and going wrong, but you also can kind of protect your child from your emotions.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: So I guess I'm just trying to figure out like where you at, how are you actually protecting your child?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: Is it really you're protecting them from the overall, like, I don't really want them to know, you know, trying to help them because, you know, things are not going that well, or are you just really protecting your emotions?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: Because a lot of times we don't really say anything.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_02: We try to fix it, we try to cover up for the child.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then some people are not, they just can't help it.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: And whether it's the mother or the father, it comes out emotionally wise, it comes out.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_02: So I would have to say, before you dig down into you have to, it's a mindset, first of all.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_02: But when you actually put your pride aside and you actually put your child and think of your child as a priority, and that's the biggest thing.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_02: Make your child a priority.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: When you do what's best and what's right for the child, always is gonna supersede everything else because you have to take yourself out of the equation.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_02: Take him out, take you out.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: That child is first.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: And once you do that, now it's a it's a whole different perspective.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: But you have to be willing to do some um something internal.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: You have you have to do something internal.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes that's not comfortable, you know, because you gotta be honest at where you are.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: If you're bitter and you mad, and and yeah, you haven't forgiven, yeah, you gotta deal with some things.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: And if you don't know how to deal with that, yeah, you're still in your emotions.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: You haven't moved on.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to really step back, and I say this a lot about you know, a plethora of different things.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: You need to step back, then step back further.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do a real self-examination, not just sitting in yourself, but look at the broader scope of things, because if somebody is telling you the same thing over and over and over and over and over, then maybe that is a problem.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say it's a situation where it's like the kids need to eat by seven.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Feed the kids by seven.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, the kids need to eat by seven, they're supposed to be in the bed at eight, but you feed them at 8:30, 9 o'clock.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now we have an issue because I'm saying one thing, they're saying the other.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: We're talking about two different households, right?
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so that's in my book as well.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_02: I don't, I'm I'm not really expecting both households to be twins.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just looking for the parents to make sure that this child has an emotional stable environment environment.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: However, you can't create that for the child if you're not emotional stable.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's no way.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_02: So, as parents, we have to get in a place to where we're emotional stable because you can't provide and make that for your child again.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not asking for both households to be the tw to be the same, however, because different households have different rules and different parenting styles, especially if the child is being raised by um stepparents.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_02: So now that's a whole nother different issue.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_02: Whole nother different issue.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: You may have other siblings, it's different.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_02: But as the co-parent of that child, whether it's a blend of family, whether it's step parenting, again, that child needs to be the priority.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_02: And if you two can come together and make sure that that child is emotionally stable, because again, that was in one of my videos, two homes, two addresses, schedules, routines, boundaries, all those things.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_02: But the child only has one life, one childhood, one childhood.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_02: So as parents, mother and father, you created this child.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: God blessed you with this child.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_02: You really, and it's already a problem that you're not together.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's first of all, it's already created a problem there.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: So the let the least thing you want to do is just make sure that they are emotionally stable in the two different households.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um it is gonna be different.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: But again, communicate, communicate and respect.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta communicate and just work as a team.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_02: That child should never feel the split.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_02: Should never.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: Or see it.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_02: Or see it.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Should never feel it, should never see it or feel it.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that goes back to like you said, like all of that is being absorbed.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, a conversation that I've had with my wife and I've had with, you know, other people, it's like the old age saying of only a man can raise a man.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I'm like, I can't help with my daughter.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know feminism.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to be a woman.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: But my wife, you don't know how what we deal with as men.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I need to slowly get my kids to understand and figure out how not to be a stereotype in the same motion.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because we're black and we have locks.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Me and both my boys, we instantly have a persona put on us just based on appearance.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but when you hear my kids talk, you hear me talking, it's like he couldn't have been on them side of the tracks.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I was, but I'm also I also don't have an issue showing the intelligence side.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just because that's where I come from doesn't mean I had to bring it with me and always put that in the forefront.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when I had my daughter, that's what had me chill.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then when we had our first son, it was like, okay, I really now have to really pay more attention to what I what I do.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_02: You know, because it's like your role models said it's there, but they're looking at you.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_02: They're not listening to what you're saying, they're looking at what you're doing, because that's what they're gonna imitate.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's exactly what they're gonna imitate.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I take my kids, I take my boys.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, we're going somewhere.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where we're going, I don't know.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it don't matter, but you better spend time with your daddy, so we're leaving.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: And they enjoy it as long as we go at least one place they like, they fine.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_02: And growing up, uh, believe it or not, as you take them and as you're in the household, and see, they're looking at how you treat their mom, which is your wife, they're looking at that.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: I promise you, they are how you talk to her, how you speak to her, how you deal with her.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, you two have to be a team, but they're looking at a communication.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_02: They're not gonna say anything, they don't understand it now, but I promise you, they're looking at how you treat her and how you talk to her.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's important.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_02: So what's gonna happen is you're setting example, you're showing it so when they get older and they have a wife, they're actually most likely nine times ten is gonna treat their wife the same way you treat because they're just not gonna.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_02: And then you as as as a man, your daughter is not gonna expect no other man, and she's not gonna allow any other man as she growing up to talk to her any kind of way because you did.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_02: This is how you treat her as a woman, how it's supposed to be treated, and she's gonna expect and require the same thing.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: Those are standards, these are what we are again that your children are looking at.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're looking at your um, your well, yeah, your decisions, your movement, your actions, all that.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: And and I've mentioned that too, you know.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would we were at our um at a church, and it was like, yeah, he keeps jumping off the couch, keep jumping off the couch, keep jumping, and I'm like, you're gonna hurt yourself.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the the the kid like pulls the pillows off the cushion, the cushions off the couch, and now he's jumping, and it's like, I don't know how to get him to stop.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, this is the thing.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: We as adults see things that can hurt other people, especially our children, and next thing you know, we're instilling their fear.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: I say, think about how many people are afraid of dogs and have no reason except mama was scared of dogs.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, how many people don't eat this and don't eat that because that's how they grew up.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: How they grew up, you know, and that's outside of like the whole religious aspect, but just if what you do what you see, right?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not always what you hear.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you keep telling him that sooner or later he's gonna grow up and be like, I can't do that because I'm gonna get hurt.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do that because I'm gonna get hurt.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now he doesn't want to play football.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now he doesn't want to play basketball, he doesn't want to play any physical or contact sport, you know.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to think, maybe he's supposed to be the next Ray Lewis or the next, you know, whoever, the next Cam Newton or somebody.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: But because of what you did when he was two, yeah, you know, stop running.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: He's probably getting ready to be destined to be uh Hussein Bolt's record.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: But you told him to stop running.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we we really uh hurt our children a lot and not realize by the things that we say.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_02: And then again, it's the way you the way you were brought up, which I don't really like.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_02: I know a lot of older parents, I shouldn't say older, but you know, if you're older and you have younger kids, I hear this a lot.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know, if they I don't know, get a scooter or a four-wheeler and they have a bike and they have a motorcycle, all the things.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_02: And the first thing you say is, um, well, I didn't have all that when I grew up.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_02: That that's that's not right.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's not right.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I'm just saying, I hear that a lot, and that's not right because it's not fair to that child.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you want your child to be better and have the things that you didn't.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_02: What happened back in the 60s, but it has nothing to do with now.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_02: And so you want to expose your child to this.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_02: You want to be able to do and give and have your thing, you know, allow your child to have these things.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_02: But I hear that a lot.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_02: You know, a lot of time they go back at how they were raised or how they were came up.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_02: And that's not fair to the child.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's not fair.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_02: I would never say, well, you know, I'm not gonna give my daughters this and that, because I didn't have a bike when I was growing up.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's not their fault.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm not gonna get that.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_02: If I can do it and I can get it, yeah, they're gonna get a bike, they're gonna have all the things that I didn't have and get.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's important too as well.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: I explain it to my kids too, you know, like, hey, just let me because I grew up, I had almost every gaming system.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I also told my kids, like, hey, your dad plays video games.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: We will be playing video games in this house.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: I explained it to the wife.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: We playing these video games.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Give us a minute.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: We are in a match, we can't pause it, you know.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the bikes and, you know, my kids have gaming PCs.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I've explained, like, you get this classified as a gaming PC, but you can still do your homework.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can still research what you need to research.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can use this thing and create your own video game.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've instilled all this stuff in my kids, and I'm like, hey, y'all, I want y'all to know that because of things that mom and dad did, y'all are very privileged.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I had um had a conversation with maybe two different people, and they were like, man, we doing all this for our kids, and we ain't had this.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, and it was like, man, these kids just spoiled.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: I say, but wait though.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this is just not in front of the kids.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, I said, but this is the thing for me.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are they being spoiled or are we just showing they just well in a different spoiled, they just well loved.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: Showing our love in a different, you know, light.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because they just well loved.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's why that's my license plate, as a matter of fact.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_02: Can't everybody say I'm spoiled.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not spoiled.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_02: Just well loved.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_02: Just well loved.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's just a different way of just saying you're well loved.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: So we move different.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: We we realize what we didn't have.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: We give what we can.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I can have a conversation with my kids and be like, hey, this ain't it.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you you want that.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to give me a couple of weeks, a couple of months.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_02: But not only that, you um, I you're not gonna disrespectful and then get it.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I'm just saying.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_02: So there are things that are earned, and then the things that we expect them to do.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I expect you to do well in school.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna reward you for that.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_02: However, you know, it is difficult.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, you get a high hollow and you're hollow, like every quarter, yeah, you you deserve something.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: Although I do expect that, but um, it's it's nothing wrong.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: You can't just the child just can't be disrespectful, talk to you, say you're doing anything you want, and then you still continue to get something.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_02: So things like that when they say kids are spoiled.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_02: But um, for the most part, if um if kids are actually, I think, just doing what they're supposed to be doing respectful, and just again, they they're handling and dealing a lot that we as parents don't even know of.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_02: And like I said, um in the classroom, we don't see that part.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_02: So um, you know, goes back to my my book panel, my book sign event.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_02: I do have a judge, you know, she's gonna give it to you from a judicial perspective as to don't make your child illegal.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_02: This event is Saturday, May 23rd at the Hyatt on 3100 Apex Drive in South Charlotte, Saturday, May 23rd from 11 to 3.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are tickets available?
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_02: They are, they are available on eventsbrite.com.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_02: All the details are there.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so yes, I encourage you to register.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_02: And um, you will need to be in the room in that space to where it's it's a comfortable space.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's a space where you will be heard.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, there will be different, a lot of I will I have a live panel, and they're just coming to you from a different aspect of this whole co-parenting.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_02: I have a judge, she'll be giving it to you from a judicial perspective.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_02: Your child is not a legal obligation.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so she'll let you know what that looks like from the from the courtroom.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you don't want your child living off of a system or a piece of paper.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_02: I have a teacher.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_02: She's telling you from the classroom what that looks like when a child leaves home or when they go home because they're silent and quiet, confused, all the things.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_02: The parent don't see that in the classroom.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_02: The teacher does.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_02: So with those, they're focused off, you know, their behavior.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, I have a couple that um was married and they are divorced and they have remarried, but they are able and was able to keep their child as a priority.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_02: She never felt the split, never felt it.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_02: I have a married couple, and they're gonna tell you what it's like being married and co-parenting.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_02: Can be very successful because it's just communication and teamwork.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I also have a single parent.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_02: He was a police officer, and his wife chose not to co-parent.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_02: So he had to deal with a law in raising a son by himself.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I have a mental health as a keynote speaker.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I also have a couple that is um a spiritual, they're they're ministers, and they actually are my uh grandchildren's godparents.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're godparents of eight, actively eight.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_02: But they're gonna give it to you from a spiritual in God's lens as to what co-parenting looks like in a complex, in a challenging situation, what God says.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm looking forward to it.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I want everyone in the audience to actually come be inspired, encouraged, empowered at just how co-parenting it can work.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_02: I promise you it can work, regardless of the brokenness, the the long distance, all that.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_02: It can work.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_02: And you just have to put your child as a priority, you know.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_02: Um choose them, choose communication over the conflict, over the chaos.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_02: They deserve that much, you know.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_02: Love your children, make them a priority.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, yeah, I'm I'm looking forward to it.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing we have a similar situation, right?
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: Daddy wasn't there, right?
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: In the midst of that, how was it um growing up and having that support of I guess for lack of words, it's okay.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that, you know, you see your your cousins and your friends, and some of them have a dad.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: How how I guess for me the biggest thing for me, because I know how it is with with my two families.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: How was the family in the midst of this?
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_02: You mean my c my family on my mom's side or my mother's side?
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_02: Dad's either side.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_02: So my dad, that's one book and that's another chapter in the book.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, my older brother, I remember him as when I was like seven, eight years old, used to take me to my dad's side of the family, because of course this was in Alabama.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um it felt kind of weird because I never seen my dad, but I'd seen his sisters and brothers and my mom, you know, my grandma and grandpa on his side.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it just wasn't consistent because it was just like the summer.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_02: So they knew about me, knew of me, but I don't know, I just think my dad's lifestyle, they weren't, they were kind of embarrassed and probably wasn't too happy about it, but still the connection, the communication just wasn't there.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_02: So that was uh my entire life I went without, you know, um being a part of my dad's family.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um as I got older, there was some connection there with my aunts, you know.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_02: So, and I do have a brother on my father's side.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_02: So there was some connection as I got older.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_02: But um growing up, um, it didn't feel too good.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it was just almost kind of like when I lost my mom, you know, um, that didn't feel good.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_02: It kind of made me jealous, like when I went around my friends and they were like, call their mother mom, and I didn't have mine.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I didn't want to hear it, they want to be around it.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_02: That was the way it kind of was like with me growing up, like not having my dad around.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_02: So then when I got married the first time, I was so excited because I can call my father-in-law dad.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to call a man dad, daddy.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_02: So I was so excited with that marriage.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then as that went on and um got divorced and being a single parent, uh, got married again, didn't have no father-in-law there.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_02: But just that emptiness, I look back and I'm like, I never got a chance to do a daddy-daughter's dance.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_02: You know, my dad wasn't there.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't walk me down the aisle when I got married.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_02: You know, all those things.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so it didn't feel good, but as time when my mom did the best that she could, she gave me a wonderful life.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_02: And she just pretty much always just taught me just to, first of all, I don't ever look like what you're going through.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I promise you, I'm not.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_02: But um, not only that, she just taught me how to just really be respectful.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_02: And as a woman, just carry yourself with as a woman with respect and just grace and just always be kind to people because you just never know.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_02: Do whatever you can for someone because you never know who's gonna have to do for you.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I promise you, that stuck with me and it will always, I'm still continuing to make her proud of me.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_02: So she did the best and she gave me the best life that she could.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_02: Even my mom was married, so I was raised by a stepdad.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's in my book, too.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_02: I was raised by a stepfather, but guess what?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_02: There was no co-parenting.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_02: He just paid the rent.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_02: That was it.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_02: He just paid the rent.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't like buy me any school clothes.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_02: There wasn't no schedule, no boundaries, he didn't pick me up from school, you know, there was no nothing.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_02: He was a good stepfather, he just paid the rent, and that was it.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_02: But he didn't talk much.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_02: He was very quiet.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he's a very sweet man, just very gentle and quiet.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_02: He just paid the rent, just kept a roof over my head.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_02: I thank him, because that was all that I ever had, you know, but that was it.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_02: So there was never no co-parenting between him and my mom.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_02: So um, yeah, so that was that was that was um, like I said, so growing up, it wasn't bad.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I like I said, I I was one of the blessed ones.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't bad.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of support because not only did I have one, I had two coming out of high school.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_02: So that was um that was huge.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_02: But again, you know, God had the plans for me in my life.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_02: So um, yeah.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: So this is very deep.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can see you.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Recalling so many memories, so many emotions, and I am too.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's just when you think like, man, I'm an adult.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I went through that.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: I survived.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: And there's and it goes to this old saying of, well, if I did it, you can too.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_00: And on in that same motion, it's like, I'm gonna make sure that these kids don't have to go through that.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and it's not just your kids.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: You think about your nieces, your nephews, your cousins, and I'm big cuz, right?
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even with having cousins older than me, like I am my grandmother's first, I am my mother and my father's first child.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: So even though me and my sister are two years apart, me and my brother are four years apart, I still at a young age was like he's not here.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I gotta step up.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: I have to make sure they're doing what they're supposed to do, make sure they're taken care of.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: And at the age of 10, 12, I'm developing what people call this daddy gene.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I would always have, you know, some of my cousins, like they were always with me.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_02: So as of now, like I said, you know, God is funny.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, he didn't tell me about this part of my life.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_02: I actually have I'm actually guardianship over a nine-year-old.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_02: I got her last year, eight years old.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, it's my niece's daughter.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um, didn't see that coming.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_02: But again, there you have it.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_02: Lack of co-parenting.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_02: So now, yeah.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_02: So with that being said, you end up, oh, sorry, end up being taken over.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I'm actually raising a nine-year-old now.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_02: After having twins, after having my daughters at 40 years old, they're 40 now, and I have a nine-year-old.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_02: So again, it's giving me another whole is again, look who's being impacted.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_02: I see this.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm actually living it, that child in the middle.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_02: And it's not even another household to navigate, but just all the things, the decisions and choices we make as parents.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_02: So that maturity, that whole intention, the just the whole process, you know.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so that's what's happening now in my life.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah, I can actually every I can hit every chapter in that book is actually my life.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_02: And again, just um me being a meme and grandma's point of um perspective, it's a whole different ballgame.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_02: The lenses are different.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_02: I I see things totally, totally different, but wouldn't have or never would have imagined it um being my life.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_02: But literally, um, yeah, so I'm seeing it now and my grandchildren.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_02: And it's deep, it's really deep from what I have experienced with my grandchildren, all three of them and their uh fathers.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I have three different um fathers, my you know, grandchildren.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so just seeing those circumstances and situations, who Jesus.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I had to um, I actually had to forgive.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_02: That's a chapter of my book.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_02: Forgiveness is a process, God is a process in his time.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't want to write this book angry, so yeah, I had to forgive.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_02: This book came deep down the side.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like I said, yes, it did come from my childhood and most of my journal and all the emotion thoughts, but that book was birthed from my grandchildren and what I have seen and have witnessed.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I have a 14-year-old, I have a seven-year-old, and I have a five-year-old.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so, yeah, they are my heartbeats.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_02: However, I just seen, like I said, what co-parenting looks like affective and ineffective.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen the impact.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we want to keep striving to get everybody into a um effective space.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that goes back to doing this self-examination and keeping this child first because at some point before y'all mingle, you know, you're on the same page, you're on the same level.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then from that, you know, it's like whatever happened, those kids see and feel.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always said the children will be the most affected every single time.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that two adults do.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_02: Every single time.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: Every single time.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_02: Every single time.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_02: So from this, so before I wrote the book and before I actually came up with the title, I said to God, okay, the name of the book is The Child in the Middle.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I will actually don't know if I actually really want to say it now, but that that title, it was a confirmation because as with my book coach, I kept, you know, coming up, I was struggling with the title.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_02: I kept saying, Oh, is it two hearts, one home, you know, um, together apart.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was coming up with so many different titles.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_02: And as I my book coach, as I was meeting with her every week, as I noticed, I kept saying, again, different experiences and situations going on, my grandchildren that was around me the whole time I was in the middle of writing this book.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_02: And as I met with my book coach, um, she kept saying, You keep saying the child in the middle.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, it is because every time such and such happened, the child was always in the.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_02: And so she said, Okay, well, by the time you're done, it's probably another title, but just keep on.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_02: But it wasn't until I ended up in a certain space and ended up, you know, some people say, Oh, it was just a coincidence.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_02: No, where me and this person ended up at and what she told me actually confirmed the name of that book, the confirmed the name.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if I don't want to share it now with my or at my event, but it's deep, and that's gonna be, you might need some tissue.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_02: But um, that that would that will that that will confirm the title as how I know that this is a God's thing.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_02: And so with that being said, I was in the shower one morning and I'm just like, okay, God, you gave me the title.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, okay, well, I do want to have a discussion.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like, it's more than just a book signer.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like, this is gonna be a whole movement.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to let y'all know that.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna be a whole movement because I'm gonna go up and down the East Coast, I'm gonna hit the West Coast as a book tour.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_02: But um, I said, um, okay, I want to leave this for a legacy for my grandchildren.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_02: I need a name.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to just put this on it like, you know, the book child in the middle because it's the name of the book, but I want to put it on Event Bright.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_02: I want to have an event on this.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_02: And so God said to me, KCR.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I look like this, yeah, that look.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, KCR, this me and God having a whole conversation.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, KCR.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_02: And he said, so I thought about it.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_02: I said, oh, I said, KCR, that's my grandchildren, the first initials of their names, Caleb, Kaden, and Rain.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb is starting with a K and Caden's with a C and then Rain.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_02: I said, okay, KCR events.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, thank you, God.
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_02: He said, no, KCR means something.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, KCR means something.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_02: He said, what is your book about?
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_02: I still was off.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_02: KCR stands for keeping co-parenting real.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_02: So that's where KCR came from.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_02: So KCR presents the child in the middle.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_02: And KCR Keeping Co-Parenting Real is gonna be a resource, it's a family alliance.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_02: And it's gonna, it's a um, how should I say it?
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's a it's a business, it's a group, it's a company to where um my spouse and I are gonna coach people and give them the resources, mediations, you know, um offered to these families of people that are actually struggling with co-parenting.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_02: So it's actually KCR and they're gonna be presented, but KCR comes from keeping co-parenting real.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and that's where we at.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's the truth, you can't sugarcoat it no more.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it is what it is.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_00: So people need to, if they haven't already, go get their ticket to be at this event, to be on the lookout for future events and I guess we can call it community outreach.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, I'm with it.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I'm excited.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have anything specific that you wanted to hit on in this book?
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I mean, you all the questions I had led back to this book.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um it nothing specific other than again keeping and putting your child as a priority.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_02: All the chapters in here, from mental health to self-care to flexibility to boundaries to just just just just a priority, just consistency, staying on the same key.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's 13 chapters, affirmations, it's so much in there.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's even a prayer for you for when you are struggling and you just feel like you don't have it together and you can't go on.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you, it all the things, it's all good stuff, I promise you.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_02: But any chapter, any chapter, and they're not long chapters, they're only like two or three pages.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_02: So it's not long chapters, but it's so much really good information that you can be encouraged, inspired, and it's it's a good thing.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's very, very positive, and you definitely need it.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_02: I know again, co-parenting is not comfortable, but it's necessary.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_02: And again, just think of it for the child for the sake of your child, because that's what's important, that's what's gonna matter every single time.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_02: So, yes.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you let me know if that's the answer to the third question that I have.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: What um what advice would you give to those that are in the midst of trying to figure out co-parenting or those that are wanting to write a book about their life or anything in that space as far as like removing the emotion and putting it on paper?
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_02: So the only advice that I would give someone again, you've got first surrender.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_02: Surrender because that honesty take it into prayer.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_02: I promise you that prayer still works, and there's a lot of power in prayer.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_02: God created us, He can change us, and He's the only one that has the ability and the power that can do that.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_02: So people do have a change heart.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_02: You'd be surprised.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I would just say pray.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_02: But the biggest advice is I can't say it and stress it enough, think of the child.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_02: Think of your child as a priority.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_02: You have some at some point, you if you need help with getting healing, forgiveness moving forward, I know it's not always easy because the other co-parents sometimes can be a narcissist, can be controller, it can be all the things.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_02: It can be very difficult sometimes.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_02: I get it.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_02: But I promise you, if you put and keep God first, keep doing the right thing.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_02: Do what you're doing best in the right thing as a father and as a mother, do the right thing, but always put and keep that child first.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_02: If you can do that, I think everything else is gonna fall in place.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_02: They're gonna say, I think, I know it will all fall in place with time.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_02: But think of that child because again, one day that child is gonna have to grow up.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're gonna have to grow up one day.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_02: And um, yeah, you want them to like not look back and realize that it was a big influence and impact.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_02: And again, it's weight that they're carrying that they didn't choose to.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_02: So the advice that I have to you is just continue to wake up, be positive, move forward, keep striving, but do the right thing for your child, regardless of the other parent.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_02: It will work itself out.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm with it.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: So do this.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um let the people know where they can find you if they want more information and tell them where to get this book.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_02: You can find me on it's KCR Family Alliance.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's on Facebook.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_02: Instagram is KCR, or you can find me literally up on the Dolores Calhoun right.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but you can purchase the book and find that on eventbright.com and it's up under the child in the middle.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_02: And let me see what else is it?
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_02: Saturday, May 23rd from 11 to 3 at the High Ed in South Park.
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's it.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's as of right now.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_02: But this is just the beginning.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_02: I promise you.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's just the beginning.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's the first book, but it's not the last.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_02: So I encourage you to look forward to then.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_02: You will not regret it.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_02: I promise you.
• 57:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, so thank you.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the part where I open the floor for you to ask me a question, uh, give advice, make a statement, okay, whatever.
• 58:10
  SPEAKER_02: So my question would be to you, since you're married and you're children, what is one of the biggest challenges you have being married with with the children as far as co-parents?
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_02: I know it's just like, well, mom don't tell you something, then go ask dad.
• 58:24
  SPEAKER_02: But you two have to be on the same page and afford to work between where.
• 58:28
  SPEAKER_02: But what are one of the biggest challenges that you and your wife have for co-parenting?
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest challenges we have.
• 58:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I would say the biggest thing is standard.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because I grew up in a more strict household than she did.
• 58:57
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that's what I was about to say.
• 58:58
  SPEAKER_02: You guys are probably raised up differently.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_00: So she didn't get in trouble like I did.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, um, my mother's.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_02: So the discipline is different.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like she might talk to them and you might be like, you might punish, just probably in different ways.
• 59:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just my standard for my boys increases as they get older.
• 59:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, same thing with my daughter.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't, again, I don't know how to raise a female.
• 59:31
  SPEAKER_00: So my standard for her is a little lower, and this gap has to go to the wife.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but for my boys, this is me for my boys as they grow.
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_00: My wife's expectation, expectations is here.
• 59:48
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes she feels she can come here, and it's like, no, sweetie, go go back, go back where you came from.
• 59:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm raising men and I'm raising two black men.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not only do I have to be the example, set the example, I have to make sure, hey, when your mama tells you to do something, do it.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_00: When I say do something, do it.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I always ask, I say, how many times does one of us have to ask you a question?
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_00: And all of my kids can say once.
• 1:00:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll say, so why is this the third time?
• 1:00:29
  SPEAKER_00: Your mama said it the first time, she's just said it again.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now here I am.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is the third time.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to come back in here again?
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like I'm striking fear, right?
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's literally just my tone changes per kid.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if it's my daughter, I'm like, so you really got a problem with your mama today, huh?
• 1:00:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's going on?
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my older son is like, I can just look at him.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:01:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, how many times?
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_00: He'll get up.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_00: My baby boy, oh, that boy is so much like his daddy.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to like raise my voice and put a little bit more bass in it.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_00: In order for it to come across to him.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, I need to, or I say, turn it off.
• 1:01:26
  SPEAKER_00: Turn it off here.
• 1:01:28
  SPEAKER_00: That means no Xbox, no PC, no TV, no phone.
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to let my boys know, like, when you get out there in the real world, and the same thing with my daughter, when you get out there in the real world, there are so many people that are only going to ask and tell you to do something once.
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I would hate for it to be the police.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I will set the city on fire.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_02: Expectations, accountability.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_02: Just take accountability, you know.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_02: But I know you're saying you can't really raise your daughter, but as a man, like you know how you will, how you want your wife or what you look for in a woman as a man, what you look for in a woman.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_02: So to a certain extent, you can actually raise her to be the type of respectful woman that a man want, vice versa.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_02: You're raising your men, I mean your boys, because you know the type of men that they should be, that a woman will want.
• 1:02:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like they said, a girl's not going to bring any kind of guy home to her mother, you know, but it all depends on how you raise him, how you raise him.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_02: So you know that you want your sons to be men, to be respectful, that help women to respect women, um, open the door for them, bring the girls.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like they should woman should not have to pick a care of anything.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_02: However, you know, you teach your daughter the same thing.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like you don't, it's just really just out of respect, you know.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, again, it's how you treat their mom, you know, if she goes away, yeah, have the guy open the door for them.
• 1:02:51
  SPEAKER_02: But nowadays, they just don't think like that.
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I guess that comes from the back, I mean, from the back, from from from back when we were younger, you know, that's all we've seen was men opening doors for women.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and that's just just out of respect, treated like a queen.
• 1:03:07
  SPEAKER_02: She treats him like a king.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um, vice versa, just what you expect out of a woman, what a woman expects out of a man, what a man expects out of a woman, what type of wife he's looking for, and then vice versa with her.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_02: So, and then, you know, my daughter's been told the same thing.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_02: She has two boys, but you can't raise them to be men, but she knows how she wants a man or how a man should be, how he should treat a woman.
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_02: So she's gonna teach her boys that part of it.
• 1:03:32
  SPEAKER_02: Um, like this is what a man's supposed to do, as far as respect as a woman, you know.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_02: So she can teach them that much, you know.
• 1:03:39
  SPEAKER_02: But um, men, yeah, boys are their there's pretty much their heroes.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know, a boy wants a father as their hero, that example.
• 1:03:47
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, as a parent, you can show up and still not be present.
• 1:03:53
  SPEAKER_02: Let me say that again.
• 1:03:55
  SPEAKER_02: You can show up and still not be present.
• 1:03:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can be in the house and still not be there.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_02: That part.
• 1:04:03
  SPEAKER_02: So um, you gotta be careful again how you do things and what you say.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_02: Because you can be this perfect father in the World Father of the Year.
• 1:04:13
  SPEAKER_02: But if you're disrespectful to that mother and you talk to her, you're not willing to be flexible, and you just making life difficult and all the things, yeah.
• 1:04:23
  SPEAKER_02: Most likely when that child grows up, probably not gonna have anything to do with you.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just kind of like dealing with you now because they're young and they don't have a choice, you know, in the picture.
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_02: They're younger, they, you know, all they know is just dad, and we take, we go in here, this and that.
• 1:04:36
  SPEAKER_02: You can be this father that just, you know, be there and do all the things.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_02: Looks good, looks good.
• 1:04:43
  SPEAKER_02: But on the inside and deep down, you have not really communicated across to your child, but your child actually seeing how you're navigating, how you're doing things.
• 1:04:54
  SPEAKER_02: So be careful.
• 1:04:55
  SPEAKER_02: And again, it's not projected toward the mother or vice versa.
• 1:04:59
  SPEAKER_02: It can be the mother, same thing the father, vice versa.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_02: But you just gotta be careful because when you're doing that, you're not hurting that adult.
• 1:05:07
  SPEAKER_02: And again, remember y'all are adults.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_02: Be mature.
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're not hurting each other.
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_02: That child is the one that's gonna hurt.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_02: And as you get older, then you're gonna see.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_02: And it's not gonna feel good because you're gonna feel like, oh my God, I was there, I did this, I did that, I was all the way there for him or for her.
• 1:05:23
  SPEAKER_02: There's nothing that my child did never need.
• 1:05:25
  SPEAKER_02: I was always there.
• 1:05:26
  SPEAKER_02: But look at how all those years at how you just made it so difficult for the other co-parent when it just could have been.
• 1:05:35
  SPEAKER_02: I swear, life can be so much more easier and it could be simple, but it's not gonna be like that until they heal or forgive.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_02: But if you're still bitter and angry, I just have to take a deep breath on that one because um, I don't know what else to tell you.
• 1:05:52
  SPEAKER_02: You have to really, really get some help and just heal from the inside out.
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because again, I couldn't write this book angry.
• 1:05:59
  SPEAKER_02: So I It it was a lot of forgiveness.
• 1:06:01
  SPEAKER_02: I have to step back and um you know, I I I had to forgive some people before writing this book.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um so yeah.
• 1:06:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for you is forgive the forgiveness aspect to be able to fully pour out and put on these pages what needs to be heard.
• 1:06:25
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 1:06:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, for somebody else that could be needing that emotional drive to paint this picture, exactly, and that is the release, or you know, writing these lyrics, you don't necessarily have to put the song out, because I I know I've written songs angrily.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow and I'm like, I hear you guys, but you got to give me a minute.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_02: Still, yeah, because that's good, because it's gonna be out of emotions, and um, yeah, that's it.
• 1:06:56
  SPEAKER_00: And and it was one song I can think of, it was so emotionally driven.
• 1:07:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just I'm doing all this stuff and nobody is here to support.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I played that song back, and I was like, this song will never be released.
• 1:07:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because this yeah, it came from a deep and within, yeah.
• 1:07:18
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes that that could be the outlet to get it out.
• 1:07:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you say, you you journal.
• 1:07:23
  SPEAKER_02: I did.
• 1:07:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's how I got it out.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's how I came up with the book.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_02: Because I could have never imagined me writing a book.
• 1:07:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I'll be right books.
• 1:07:28
  SPEAKER_02: I think I so much to say, but I didn't realize that, yeah, you know, um, this ain't no AI.
• 1:07:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is actually um all man.
• 1:07:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just anointed.
• 1:07:37
  SPEAKER_02: That that there came from all within.
• 1:07:39
  SPEAKER_02: When I said that that book was birth from within, that book was birthed from within.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_02: That is just all life experiences.
• 1:07:47
  SPEAKER_02: Ain't nothing nobody told me, ain't nothing I read, ain't nothing I looked up.
• 1:07:52
  SPEAKER_02: That is all that's my life.
• 1:07:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's me.
• 1:07:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's my life.
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_02: That's my life.
• 1:07:56
  SPEAKER_02: So that's how I was able to come up with your child as your lifeline for a lifetime.
• 1:08:00
  SPEAKER_02: And that is so important because it doesn't matter what you do, your entire life.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_02: That child came from you, grow up and get old, that child is still your lifeline.
• 1:08:12
  SPEAKER_02: What a lifetime.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_02: You can't change it.
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_02: You can't change it.
• 1:08:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like they said, we can pick and choose our friends, but we can't pick and choose our family.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, once these children are here, they didn't ask to be here.
• 1:08:24
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't their fault.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_02: So as adults, again, we gotta be honest, take accountability, and be responsible.
• 1:08:30
  SPEAKER_02: Don't treat your child as a legal obligation.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's not what they are.
• 1:08:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's another chapter of my book, Dollar and Cents, S-E-N-S-E.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, see, trying not to roll the eyes.
• 1:08:39
  SPEAKER_02: See, I'm trying to see that emotions coming out.
• 1:08:42
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, but yeah, so it's um it's deep, but it's it's it's serious.
• 1:08:47
  SPEAKER_02: And um, like I said, I'm so passionate about it.
• 1:08:49
  SPEAKER_02: Again, this is not the first.
• 1:08:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um I already got the title, I already got the title for the second one.
• 1:08:55
  SPEAKER_02: I already know what generation.
• 1:08:57
  SPEAKER_02: Don't have the title for the third book, but I got that generation, so yeah.
• 1:09:01
  SPEAKER_02: So again, this is a movement.
• 1:09:03
  SPEAKER_02: This is not just uh a book, this it's a movement.
• 1:09:07
  SPEAKER_00: Cool, yeah.
• 1:09:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, listen, I greatly appreciate you being here.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate you, and thank you so, so much.
• 1:09:13
  SPEAKER_02: Truly grateful for this opportunity.
• 1:09:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're welcome.
• 1:09:17
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate the conversation, you know, because people need to know these things.
• 1:09:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:09:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes nobody knows until we tell them.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 1:09:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, so I think they just go on the motions, just go on and just with time.
• 1:09:32
  SPEAKER_02: But then after a while, then it becomes normal.
• 1:09:34
  SPEAKER_02: This ain't normal.
• 1:09:35
  SPEAKER_02: I think after a while it becomes normal.
• 1:09:36
  SPEAKER_02: Just like, you know, things become numb to you.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'll be telling my daughters over and over and over again all their life.
• 1:09:41
  SPEAKER_02: I think a lot of times I say now it's like numb to them, they'd have heard my voice all their life.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_02: But they actually have listened.
• 1:09:46
  SPEAKER_02: They they've actually listened to things I've said.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_02: At least I thought they didn't hear me, but all at the same time, they did the same thing as children.
• 1:09:52
  SPEAKER_02: You think they don't hear you?
• 1:09:53
  SPEAKER_02: They do.
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_02: They just don't say anything.
• 1:09:55
  SPEAKER_02: They silence all the times.
• 1:09:57
  SPEAKER_02: I thought my children didn't hear me.
• 1:09:59
  SPEAKER_02: They did.
• 1:09:59
  SPEAKER_02: They was listening.
• 1:10:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so, same thing with this.
• 1:10:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you think your child don't hear everything you do, but they do.
• 1:10:07
  SPEAKER_02: They just silent, they just can't do nothing about it, and they don't understand, you know.
• 1:10:12
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, listen, that is it for this episode, y'all.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, go get this book.
• 1:10:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you can be at the event, I'll be there.
• 1:10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so make sure y'all are there.
• 1:10:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, this concludes this episode.
• 1:10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much, and I appreciate you again.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Shamar.
• 1:10:35
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Tay.
• 1:10:36
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate Alex studio.
• 1:10:37
  SPEAKER_02: So, yes, thank you so much for this opportunity.
• 1:10:40
  SPEAKER_02: You're welcome.
• 1:10:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we'll do this again.
• 1:10:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, we are very soon.
• 1:10:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So listen, uh, once again, shout out to Alan Luck Studio, Charlotte Podcast Studio, and Artbox Charlotte.
• 1:10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to thank us.
• 1:10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um that's it for this episode, y'all.
• 1:10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we out.
• 1:10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Peace.
• 1:11:00
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 1:11:01
  SPEAKER_02: Peace.