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Why You Can't Think Your Way Into Feeling Safe And What To Do Instead · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Trusting the faces of the moon.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome to this week's episode on the Healing Her Story podcast.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Reva Jean-Paul.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a trauma-informed somatic practitioner, coach for women, and host for your show.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to be diving into a discussion that I feel is incredibly important for every single person on their healing journey, specifically on their trauma healing and on their trauma recovery journey.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I feel that many women and humans try to fix, and I put that in air quotes, their nervous system through thinking.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: But safety is a felt experience.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not something that we can force ourselves into with our minds.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: This episode is going to be helpful if you find that you're struggling with anxiety, overanalyzing, or feeling disconnected from your body.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: If you listened to last week's episode with Kim Stevens, oh my gosh, such a powerful conversation.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't listened to it, I invite you to listen to that episode.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe before diving into this one, it's not necessary.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't listen to it before, then I definitely encourage and invite you to listen to it after and see how these conversations connect.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because this conversation that I'm inviting in today is really an extension of that conversation with Kim, where we dove into somatic therapy, being connected with the body, feeling and processing our emotions in a healthy way.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is, we can't do any of that if we're not actually feeling safe in the body.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I do want to acknowledge, just as we did in last week's episode, how incredibly challenging it can be to feel safe in the body, especially if your body hasn't always been a safe place.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if you listen to the first solo episode titled Why Society Hates Women, Why It Hurts Everyone and What to Do About It, I talk about some of the systemic issues and systems and programs and societal expectations that are currently in place that make it extremely fucking difficult to feel safe in your body.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I do want to acknowledge that as we're having this conversation, feeling safe in the body, while it is a privilege and something that I truly believe we all have the birthright to experience, it's not something that everyone has experienced, especially if you come from a marginalized group.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is easier said than done.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: And with the things that I'll I'll be sharing in today's episode, I hope that there is a part of you that sees how simple it can be.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Notice how I said the word simple, not easy.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's it's not easy, especially in the world that we live in.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's incredibly difficult to feel safe in the body.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And cultivating that sense of safety within, it's kind of a full-time job.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something that you can do for a day or two or three or a week, and then you just forget about it the other days of the week.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that you really have to cultivate inside of yourself every single day.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: You might even consider it a practice.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not to say that the goal is to feel safe 100% of the time.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: A healthy nervous system is dynamic and it changes and it ebbs and it flows throughout the day hundreds of times a day.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: It goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: That is what our nervous systems are designed to do.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's a rhythm to our system, just like there's a rhythm to our life.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a goal that you could have is to create that pathway to safety inside, so that when you do find yourself in a situation where you're feeling maybe a little unsafe or maybe it's very unsafe, you've developed this intro, uh, introspectin, and introsepton.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why I'm struggling with that word today.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: You you call you've cultivated this awareness within that helps you to get back to this place of feeling safe.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, maybe not hopefully, maybe quickly.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll talk a little bit more about uh quickly and kind of what I mean by that.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what we're going to be diving into today.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And as we start to slowly make our way into the juicy bits of this conversation, I invite you to take a moment to just check in with yourself, whether you're driving or maybe you're doing something and you've just got this playing in the background.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Just taking a moment to bring your awareness to yourself and notice if you're feeling safe right now.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're like, what does feeling safe even mean?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great question to ask to, but maybe ask yourself here.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: What does feeling safe mean to me?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: What lets me know I'm feeling safe?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything in my environment that I can lean on that helps me to create that sense of feeling safe?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: And as you start to turn your awareness inwards, maybe you notice that you become a little bit more aware of your breath.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it might slow down a little bit.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: When I think about feeling safe, or rather, when I feel into feeling safe, to me, safe really feels like home.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: It feels like I can show up exactly as I am.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: It feels like I don't have to be on guard, like I can soften a little bit.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: And this word trust is coming through for me.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can trust the environment that I'm in, or maybe even that I can trust myself to be able to respond to whatever I might interact with in the environment that I'm in.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: For a long time, what I've described to you now is something that was very unfamiliar to me.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't until I started really diving into trauma healing work and studying trauma and how it affects the body and how it affects the nervous system, that I had the realization that I hadn't really felt very safe most of my life.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not to say that I grew up in a violent home or in an especially dangerous environment.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: While there were definitely some dangerous situations I found myself in, it was more about what I was feeling inside.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I did a lot of things to fit in, and that definitely is what contributed to me ending up in a lot of really unsafe situations.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: I remember the first time that I experienced true safety was in a trauma-informed training that I did with the incredible Atira Tan.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Atira Tan has been one of my greatest teachers.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And there have been many things that have been life-changing along my journey.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like studying with Atira, learning from Atira, it was beyond life-changing.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: It was almost life-saving.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was given the opportunity to really feel and experience safety in my body.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you, at first it was very uncomfortable.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was strange.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: It was, or rather, it felt unusual.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: It made me very uncomfortable.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: I would notice my anxiety kind of ramping up in the beginning of doing these trainings because it was so safe that it felt unsafe.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, whoa, what is this?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: What is this?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: This this feels very weird and very very strange in my body.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: It took me quite some time to get comfortable with the feeling of safety.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: As I continued to study and train with the tira, as I am still currently doing, this experience of safety integrated deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into my body and into my nervous system.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And what was really interesting about it is that once that became more comfortable and became the new norm, anything that was different from the new norm now set off a sort of red flag.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like a oh, pay attention here.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Something's feeling a little off here.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: This feels very different from what we have regrounded ourselves into over here.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Notice that.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Pay attention to that.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And because of all the studying that I have done with her and am still doing with her, I have trained myself to use these feelings of anxiety and feeling off as good information.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: I talked about this in Kim's episode.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm feeling a little off and a little anxious right now.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: What is this telling me about the environment that I'm in?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: What is this telling me about what's happening around me or inside of me?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: When we can see our anxiety and our overthinking as good information, we can then use that information to help guide us and direct us back to a place of safety.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know if you're feeling safe?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I've shared a little bit about my experience with safety and given you the opportunity to just even reflect on it for a moment or two.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted you to be able to form your own thoughts and reflections around it before I started telling you what safety is.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because the truth is our experiences are all so unique to who we are as individuals.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so while the biological happenings might be the same, because we both live in a human body, the way you describe it and the way you experience it might be very different from me.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I would love to offer a more scientific and biological definition of safety.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not really sure what it means to feel safe, or not really sure how you know if you're feeling safe, here are some things to keep an eye out for.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: When we are feeling safe, it is letting us know that we are in the ventral vagal part of our nervous system.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: One day I would love to have someone who's been studying polyvagal theory longer than me come on and get into the nitty-gritty of all of this.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to start at a very beginner's level.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you're new to nervous system work and trauma healing, I don't want to overwhelm you too much with science and overwhelm you with information.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm going to keep it really basic, really simple today.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: The ventral vagal part of our nervous system is also called the parasympathetic nervous system.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you've heard that word.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: The term that I'm going to use today is rest and digest.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is a place where we're able to do those exact things.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: When we're in this part of our nervous system, we're able to rest and we're also able to digest.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that is digesting food and it's also digesting experiences and digesting all of the information that you take in all day, because we are taking in information all day.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're in this part of our nervous system, our rest and digest state, what we are likely to feel, or what's described through the lens of polyvagal theory, is being in the present.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're not thinking about what happened yesterday.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: We're not planning what we're going to do tomorrow.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: We are right here, right now, in the present moment.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not to say our mind won't wander a bit, because that's what our brains do.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: They are supercomputers firing all freaking day and night.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Brain works really hard.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're in this part, we can quickly come back to the present moment.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's a sense of grounding.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not feeling kind of anxious and scattered.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: We're feeling very connected to the physical support that is underneath us.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: So for me, when I'm feeling grounded or when I'm inviting in more grounding into the present moment, I really bring my awareness to the parts of the body that are making contact with the surface underneath me.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes that's the chair.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes, especially if I'm in the middle of my day, it's my feet.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I just pay close attention to my feet.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'll even push my feet into the ground a little bit more.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll talk more about that towards the end of the episode when I offer some really simple and practical ways to invite your nervous system and your body back into this state, this rest and digest state.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: Another really good indicator is feeling curious and open.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: So our heart is open, we're we're upright, and we have this openness with the mind.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: We aren't necessarily attached to a certain thought or experience or outcome.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's an ease to how we're taking in the world.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: We're not on guard trying to figure things out.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: We're just like, huh, okay, yeah, let's just see where this takes us.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: We're also able to connect with a sense of compassion.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not just compassion to others, that's also compassion to ourselves.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: So if we do find ourselves feeling anxious, or maybe when we have those those floating thoughts, we're not being critical to ourselves about it.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, there you go again, like just not being in the present moment, like, way to go.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's being really judgmental and critical and harsh, which hmm might have to talk about this another episode, but wow, I used to be so hard on myself, so hard on myself.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I was always judging myself and criticizing myself in my mind about the choices I made and the things I did and the things I didn't do.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't until someone asked me, How do you talk to yourself?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Something clicked.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was a therapist.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Not my best therapist, I will say, but I can thank her for that moment because it did make me think about like, oh wow, I'm I'm being really hard on myself most of the time.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you find You're being critical or being harsh on yourself, it's a good indicator you're likely not in this rest and digest state.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because when we're in this state, we're come we're able to feel compassion again, both for ourselves and for others.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: We're also mindful.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: So right now, I'm in a wonderful flow sharing with you right now.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm very mindful about my pace and my tone and enunciating my words, which is something that I struggle with.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure why.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it's something I'm wanting, wanting to be mindful of.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because I want you to be able to clearly understand the words that I'm saying.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm able to be mindful about how I'm communicating and the words that are coming out of my mouth.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not in a way where I'm planning in or I'm you know thinking too much about it, but I'm I'm mindful.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's an awareness about what I'm taking in.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: We also feel connected here.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: This is the place of connection, both connection with ourselves and connection with the environment that we're in, connection with other people.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually very difficult to connect with someone in a deep and authentic way when we're not in this rest and digest state.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I can tell pretty quickly when I'm talking to someone if they are in this state, because if they're not, I find it's very hard to connect with this person.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Very hard to connect with this person.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Not wanting to make eye contact.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you will say things and the way they respond just like isn't quite right.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh, you're not really hearing me.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe they take the conversation kind of in their own way that doesn't go entirely with what's being discussed without being aware of, like, oh, let's get back to what you were saying.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: If a person's not able to connect in this way, then I'm like, oh, okay, it's I'm actually not going to be able to have an authentic conversation with you because you're not able to really connect with me.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: We're also very aware of the environment around us.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I kind of mentioned that a little bit with mindfulness and this curiosity and this openness.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is where we also socialize.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: This is our social engagement system.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: As I was just naming, when we're when we're having a giving and taking conversation with someone that goes back and forth, there is an engagement that is happening.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when that's happening, our nervous systems are communicating to each other.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's really cool what our bodies do and how they interact with each other.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that's built into our biology.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: As Brene Brown has said, we are hardwired for connection.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: We need connection for optimal health and well-being.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Underneath the surface, there are some things happening on a biological level.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: As I said, this is our rest and digest state.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're in this state, our body is able to easily digest food.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm having digestive issues, as I have had my fair share on my trauma healing and recovery journey, we might need to do an episode about that because it's real.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's real.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you have IBS or gut issues, it's a good indicator that you're maybe not spending enough time in this rest and digest state.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're maybe spending a lot more time in that fight or flight or that freeze, which we're not really going to get into today.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: And your body's not able to efficiently digest your food.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: So if we want good digestion, we got to try to hang out in our rest and digest state.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if you find that you are getting sick often, and by all means, this is not a black or white situation.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a this or a that.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: There is a wide range of experiences, a wide spectrum of experiences.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: And just because you're getting sick, it doesn't necessarily mean for certain that you're not in your rest and digest state.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's something to look at and consider if you find that this resonates with you.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: So when we hang out in this rest and digest state, when we take in viruses and bacteria, because we're taking in viruses and bacteria all day, every day, our body has what it needs to like, who if you're watching the video, I'm kind of like pushing things off, right?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: Fighting off little viruses that try to attack the system.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: When we're in our rest and digest state, that's when our body is able to do that most efficiently and best.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: As we've named rest is a big part of this.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is where our body is able to repair and to recuperate and to heal.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: So especially for a trauma recovery or a trauma healing journey, you're gonna want to hang out in this rest and digest state so that your body can do what it needs to do.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: Your body holds an intelligence inside of it that knows exactly how to heal.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: It knows exactly how to repair it's sometimes our mind and the sometimes stress that we encounter in our lives that kind of throws off that greater intelligence or or slows it down or prevents it from doing its job.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're in this state, your body can do more of that rest and that recovery and that recuperation, especially if you are active, your body really needs this time to rest and be repair.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like I love to strength train and swim and be very active.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: And when I'm in this rest and digest state, that's when my muscles are actually like literally going.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're strength training, you're literally ripping your muscles apart and then they repair, they come back together, and that's how they get stronger and they maybe get bigger over time.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: All of that happens automatically when we're in our rest and digest state.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are active and you aren't giving enough time for your body to do this biological physical repair inside, then you're slowing down your healing process because this is where it happens.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: We also get circulation to our non-vital organs like our skin and our arms and our legs.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: This is also where we create oxytocin, which is known as the bonding hormone.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: And as I said, this is our social engagement system.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: So while we're socially engaging here, we are creating this oxytocin in our system, which feels great.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: Feels great to have that going and moving through the system.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: And as I shared earlier, we're also able to easily relate and connect with people.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_01: When we're in this state, we also see a decrease in our defense responses.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: So if someone says something to me, I am maybe not just assuming that what they said means something, I might ask a question as opposed to just, no way, that's wrong.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_01: Don't, don't, don't say that.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: Don't think that about me.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: That right there is a good indicator that you're out of that rest and digest state, because if you were in the rest and digest state, you would be more curious and more open about what was said instead of assuming what it meant.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: So that's biologically what's happening kind of underneath the surface.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: So now you might be wondering, okay, Reba, this sounds great.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to hang out more in this rest and digest state.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_01: How do I get there?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: How do I do that?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if I find that I am feeling anxious all the time, I am feeling unsettled, I am feeling not right in my environment.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: How am I supposed to get there?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if you are still in an environment that creates the sense of feeling unsafe.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: What do we do then?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: The first thing that I'll say is that thinking isn't going to get you there.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: Affirmations, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that might work for some.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to say it doesn't work for anyone, but as I've explained here today, as I've hopefully explained in a way that has landed and makes sense for you, safety is something that is experienced, it's felt.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: Safety is connected to our senses.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: So our senses send, they take in information.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: That information is sent through our neurons and through our brain and through this web of connection that lives within us, this greater intelligence.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that information lets the body know: okay, body, we are feeling safe.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: We feel like we are in a place where we can shift down into this rest and digest state.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: So it's going to be really hard to just think your way into feeling safe if the information that you are taking in is in contrast to what you're saying inside.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: In my opinion, the body is always going to kind of not necessarily override because wow, our minds are incredibly, incredibly strong and powerful.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: The minds are.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: And we love and we appreciate our minds so much.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, mind, for all that you do.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_01: And as we talked about last week with Kim, right?
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is kind of like an extension of that conversation, is that lost it there.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: Floated away.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: I hope we're understanding though that this is something we can't just think our way into.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that we really have to feel and experience into.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: And we do this with our senses.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: We do this with the information that we are taking in through our senses.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the story that we're telling in our mind.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: Although, yes, they are connected.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: I remember what I was going to say.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: We had talked about the body being the ultimate truth barometer.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is something my teacher, Atiratan, says the body is always going to give us the most accurate and most true story.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_01: The mind might try to make something else up, like trying to convince you that you are safe when your body is not actually feeling safe.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe they think two different things.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe the mind really does think it's feeling safe.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: And that's great.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: And the body is saying a different story.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we want to feel safe, we have to get the mind and the body on the same page.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: On the same page.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: So if the mind, maybe the mind is really enjoying the story of feeling safe, or it's really working for it.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: But if you feel into your body, or if you reflect on the things that we just discussed and the ways that we can sense that we're feeling safe, if you're not feeling joyful or grounded or mindful or compassionate or open or curious, or feeling like you can easily relate and connect to other people, but you're still inside telling yourself that you're safe, there's a disconnect there.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: And we've got to get the body on board.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: And you get the body on board by using your senses.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can't think about feeling safe.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can't think your body into feeling safe.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: So when you eat your lunch and your body is digesting its food, you're not actively thinking about digesting your food.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: Your food is just being digested.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of how feeling safe in our bodies works.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: We're not like thinking about feeling safe and forcing ourselves into feeling safe.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: Our body has to receive the cues and the information that it needs to make this way into this state all by itself.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_01: So there are again some really simple things you can do to help get you there.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: And before I share things that you can do with yourself, I want to share the thing that is actually the quickest and most effective way to get into this rest and digest state.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that is through social engagement with the right people.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_01: And this is why on your trauma recovery and healing journey, why having a qualified therapist or coach or healer can be so supportive because healing happens in relation.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't happen just with ourselves.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: We can have healing moments by ourselves, yes.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it certainly makes it a lot easier when there's another body and another nervous system that you can connect with to help you understand what safety is.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: Just like I did.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: I went through that training, I had this incredible teacher, I found myself a trauma-informed therapist, and I started teaching my body what safety was.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: We have, as I said earlier, all of this built into our biology.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: The ventral vagal system, part of it lives behind our eyes.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so soft and brief eye contact with warm eyes, that is the quickest way to get into your rest and digest state.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're trying to do that with someone who is incredibly anxious or on edge or aggravated, it's not going to work.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is not the person that you want to be connecting with if you're trying to move into your rest and digest state.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_01: That can actually send you more into an anxious state if you're trying to do this with someone who is not in this rest and digest state, which again is why it's so helpful to have a qualified professional for help.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because the truth is, unfortunately, a lot of our world doesn't feel safe.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so you might be trying to go feel safe with a friend, but if your friend is not actually feeling safe inside them themselves, then it's going to be hard to also try to feel safe with you.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not to say that we can't learn uh with each other and grow and practice with each other, we definitely can.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're really wanting to use what I'm naming here, which is is called co-regulation, if you're really wanting to use this as a way to move into that rest and digest state, it has to be with the right person.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: So if you think of the most calm, grounded, present, loving, compassionate, joyful person in your life, that is who you want to maybe try to do some co-regulation with.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: Co-regulation moves us into our rest and digest state in seconds, literally seconds.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_01: I teach children in my teaching artist residencies K through sixth graders, and I always spend a few minutes at the beginning of my class making brief eye contact with warm eyes with my students.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: And usually within 10, 15, sometimes it takes a little bit longer by the end of the class.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: I see a few of my students beginning to yawn, and that lets me know ah, we've downshifted into that rest and digest state.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: And now I can more easily connect and relate with this kiddo.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is something I think every person in the service industry that works with a person really needs to be taught these really basic things.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I try to teach this really basic stuff to kids too, or at least give them the opportunity to experience what it feels like to do that with a calm and grounded and a regulated nervous system.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: So that's always going to be your best bet.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you're anxious and you're always kind of stuck in your thinking and you're overanalyzing, then trying to be in an environment where you can co-regulate with someone is going to be something that you might want to consider, whether that's getting tea with a friend or hiring a therapist, or um, maybe not hiring is the best word there, but working with a therapist or a practitioner, or joining some sort of um safe community circle where you feel like you can really be yourself and you feel comfortable.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_01: Making that a part of your, you know, whether it's part of your daily routine or your weekly routine, it's something that is is so essential to this work, is real and authentic connection with other human beings.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if you work from home and you're you're very isolated and you spend a lot of time by yourself, you're kind of missing out on this really big piece of our health and our well-being that we we really actually need.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_01: We need each other, we need human connection.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have a lot of close friends who you feel like you can safely co-regulate with, then that's again where you might start to explore.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, how can I make this a part of my life?
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_01: Whether that's through some of the things I just named or something else that you feel inspired to do.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that doesn't mean that we can't do things on our own.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_01: We definitely can do things on our own.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: I would encourage you and invite you to do things on your own.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_01: I do a lot of things on my own.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_01: And it can take potentially up to 20 minutes if we've left that rest and digest state and we've gone into a really um what I would call an active or an anxious state, then it's gonna take about 20 minutes on your own to get back down into this rest and digest state.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: About 20 minutes.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe a little bit less, maybe a little bit more, and that's about how long it takes.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_01: So something to keep in mind as I share some of these really simple and practical ways that you can begin to cultivate safety.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing we mentioned being present in the moment is a big part of feeling safe.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_01: You can use an anchor practice to help bring you into the present moment.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I've done this with kids, and it works really well for kids.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_01: Adults sometimes can be, we have so many more barriers that we've put up, and so many judgments that we've put on ourselves that sometimes we can feel maybe closed off to some of these really simple things, like, oh my gosh, this isn't gonna work.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: And that that might mean that you're that might be a good indicator you're maybe not in your rest and digest state if that's how you're feeling about um something that's being offered to you.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_01: That seems really simple and kind of silly, but this is all based off of neuroscience and things that I have been trained in through trauma therapists and somatic therapists and experts that have been doing this much longer than me.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_01: These are the things that they teach.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was kind of shocked once once I started studying to see how simple it actually is.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: Again, not maybe not easy, but it's simple.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_01: Simple, simple, simple.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're wanting to do the anchor into the present moment, I would like to uh maybe we could just walk uh not walk through it, but we could move through the exercise here.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really simple.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it anywhere, doing mostly anything.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're um driving or doing something in the background, this is still something that you could pretty easily do while still keeping an awareness of like what's happening around you and what what you've got your focus on or part of your focus on.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_01: So look around your space and pick a color.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: And now continue to look around your space, looking for two more things of that color.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: And while you're looking around, I'll invite you to move your neck around because the ventral vagal system or a part of it also lives in the back of our neck.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: So moving your neck around invites that ventral vagal part of your nervous system to come on, that rest and digest state.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_01: Great, you can just let that go and let your awareness go wherever.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now look around your room and pick a shape.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_01: And now find three more things of that same shape.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_01: And again, kind of moving your neck around.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_01: You could even look over your shoulder because as you're looking over your shoulder and you see that there's not anything running at you to come and get you, you're looking over and telling your nervous system, oh look, there's nothing behind me.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing to worry about behind me.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: Great, I can bring my focus forward again and relax a little bit because I look behind me and I can see that there's nothing going on behind me that I need to be worried about.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_01: Great, and you can let your awareness go wherever.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: And now let's find a texture and look around your room or your space or wherever you're at and see if you can find two or three more things of that same texture.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I've chosen smooth and I'm looking around my space and I'm looking for all of the smooth surfaces.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: Great, and you can let that go and let your awareness drift wherever, and just take a moment to check in with your body and notice if anything feels different.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_01: I notice within myself I definitely feel a bit more settled.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of relax a little bit more into the chair, and I get these really pleasant sensations on the outside of my arms.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: They kind of remind me of sparkling water.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_01: And they always feel really nice to me.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: So that's your anchor into the present moment practice.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_01: And again, something you can do anywhere.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_01: It might look a little weird, but if you if you move through it a little quicker, um, or maybe even a little slower, it might look less weird if you're in public and let's say you're standing in line waiting at the bank, and you could look around.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe you're feeling a little on edge and impatient, waiting at the bank.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, what's taking so long?
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_01: You could just, oh, if you remember, which is a whole nother thing, we could maybe talk a little bit about towards the end, or maybe on another episode.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you can go to this anchor exercise.
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: Another tip that you can or um practice that you can do is connection to your breath.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_01: Part of the work that I do as a somatic practitioner also involves being a breath work facilitator.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I absolutely love breath work.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think one day I will do an episode about this because it's truly been something that has been a big part of my trauma recovery and healing journey is this connection to the breath.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_01: But our breath is a wonderful way to begin inviting our nervous system to again kind of shift down into that rest and digest state.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_01: Something to keep in mind is to experiment with keeping the exhale longer than the inhale.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, one I find practice that works really well is to breathe in for four and to hold for seven, and to slowly breathe out for eight.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_01: If that's too long, you could breathe in for three and hold for five and breathe out for six or something like that.
• 53:42
  SPEAKER_01: The goal is really to have the exhale be longer than the inhale, and this is what is going to send that um signal of safety to the body is when you can breathe slow and full and long.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because when when we're when we're in an active state, when we're like fighting off danger, or used to be centuries ago, back in the caveman days, when we're breathing kind of short and shallow, I'm kind of exaggerating now, but I think you get the idea, and then the chest, kind of panting.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is letting our body know, okay, this is not the time to relax.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is the time to be on because our breath is going right now, and clearly there is something that we need to be breathing short and shallow for.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember exactly um the oxygen exchange and how it's different during those two parts of the breath.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll think I'll save that for the breath work episode.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're breathing short and shallow, it's it's not helping us at all and feeling safe.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: So if we want to feel safe and grounded and present, slowing the breath down is gonna be something that is simple and very effective.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: So connection to the breath.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, one more thing I'll say about that is that there are different kinds of breath work and breath works and breath work techniques and practices.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_01: The breathing that I'm talking about today is breathing done in and out through the nose.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_01: So just nostril breathing and any variation of nostril breathing, alternate nostril breathing is a really great breath practice, very grounding and soothing and balancing.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_01: Any breathing done in and out of the mouth, which is the breath work that I facilitate with my clients, it's going to be it has the potential to be activating at points.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_01: So something to keep in mind.
• 56:04
  SPEAKER_01: I will share that, uh, share more about that on a future episode to come.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_01: The last thing, let's see, a couple more things potentially is to create that felt sense of safety through touch and movement.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_01: So this can be done through rhythmic movements, such as walking, swimming, um, maybe even shaking, or just kind of rocking yourself.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if you maybe you can pay attention to this after, I know that when I'm places like waiting, maybe in line at the grocery store, or sometimes if someone's giving some sort of presentation or something, you might notice them rocking a little bit from side to side.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that's them trying to regulate themselves and trying to invite their bodies to shift down into that rest and digest state.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_01: Rhythm is regulating.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's a section in this book called What Happened to You by Oprah and Dr.
• 57:13
  SPEAKER_01: Bruce Perry.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely love that book.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_01: And there's this little section that talks about rhythm being a regulating thing.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you think of a baby who's crying, one of the first things that we do is we rock the baby and we create that rhythmic movement.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_01: And this rhythm is what soothes the baby, the baby.
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so we can use rhythm to soothe ourselves as adults as well, and we can create this rhythmic movement through things like I said, walking, swimming.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_01: When I teach my kindergartners through sixth graders, we often use rhythms, we create rhythms with our snapping and our clapping, and I'll create combinations of things.
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but that's one way that we play with rhythm.
• 58:11
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I do that very intentionally at the beginning of a class to get everyone to shift down into that rest and digest state so I can more easily relate and connect with them.
• 58:24
  SPEAKER_01: Touch is something that you can explore with yourself if you feel like that's something you might be open to.
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_01: I know that I didn't have a lot of physical touch as a child growing up.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_01: And as I've become an adult, it's been something that I've had to really yeah, just play with and explore within myself because it wasn't something that was really familiar to me.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I've built this safe connection with myself, I feel more open to explore touch.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_01: And one of my favorite, I'll just share one self-touch exercise that you could explore.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of my favorites, is um to take your right hand.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you're watching the video, I'm not gonna be mirroring you, um, and you're gonna take it underneath your left armpit, and you can kind of think of like cupping your heart here, and then you're gonna bring your left hand around, and it's gonna come to the outside of your left arm, and you're just gonna apply some really gentle pressure.
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I like to call this a heart hug.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't what it was called when it was given to me, but this is what I've named it, and I just love this self-hold.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_01: I remember the first time I did it, it just moved me to tears because it just felt so it just felt so loving and soothing and comforting.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so you would just hold this, and I won't hold it too long, but if you'd like to explore this, this is something I would invite you to play with.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe closing down your eyes and also inviting in the breath too, and just taking a few breaths, just gently applying that pressure and noticing what happens to your system as you offer this attach to yourself.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_01: So that's something else you can play with as well.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_01: What I would invite you to do is to have a daily practice where you can explore and connect with your body and uh play with some of these practices that I've shared here today.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_01: And there's so many other practices out there too that you can also play with and explore.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_01: What I've shared here today are things that work well for me and things that I know work well biologically.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_01: However, like I said, we're all so unique, and it's going to be up to you to really feel and sense into what works best for you.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_01: A daily practice might look like a morning meditation practice.
• 1:01:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you have maybe always wanted to do a morning meditation practice and maybe struggle to do it by yourself or um have trouble staying consistent with it, I would invite you to explore Insight Timer.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_01: This is the number one meditation app, and I am a teacher on Insight Timer.
• 1:01:54
  SPEAKER_01: I have lots of somatic meditations and practices there for you to explore free at cost.
• 1:02:00
  SPEAKER_01: And there's one that's called Creating the Felt Sense of Safety.
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I would invite you to explore that.
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's about a 15-minute long meditation, and you can practice it daily or practice it weekly, whatever feels right for you.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's sort of what I like to do for my daily nervous system check-in, is spend a few minutes in the morning meditating and moving my body and doing whatever it is I need to do to start off the day in that rest and digest state.
• 1:02:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know once the day gets going and I'm teaching and I'm seeing clients and I'm in classes and I'm doing this and I'm doing that, I'm gonna start to move out of my rest and digest state and get to some of those more active states.
• 1:02:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I always try to give myself a good chunk in the morning where I'm in this state.
• 1:02:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if I do a more active workout, maybe I don't start off in that rest and digest state.
• 1:03:05
  SPEAKER_01: If I know I've got an easier day, or just creating some time and space at the end to bring myself into that rest and digest state.
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_01: I also really love to sing, and we didn't talk about the connection to the voice today and to the vagus nerve, but singing is a really wonderful way that we can activate that brunch, uh, that vagus nerve, and that's what's going to trigger our rest and digest state.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I always like to sing on the way to my classes each day in the morning, especially if the traffic is crazy.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_01: And this helps to calm and um soothe my system so that when I get to where I need to be, I'm already starting off in that rest and digest state.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_01: So those are some ways that I like to kind of create a daily routine or ritual where I'm giving myself that time to be in that rest and digest state, or at least just check in with my system and sensing and feeling into um what it is that I need.
• 1:04:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I hope today's episode was helpful and insightful.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_01: Again, we didn't get into the other parts of the nervous system.
• 1:04:26
  SPEAKER_01: I really wanted this to be an anchor for this exploration of safety without worrying about the other parts of the nervous system and being in the more active and anxious states.
• 1:04:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think we can sometimes get a lot further when we just focus or orient ourselves to where we want to go instead of being hard on ourselves about where we are.
• 1:04:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I hope this episode did exactly that for you.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_01: In the show notes, I'm gonna leave the link to the creating the felt sense of safety meditation.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_01: So that will be there for you to explore.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_01: And there's also lots of other links, if you scroll a little bit further down, that share my free trauma recovery mini course, along with uh lots of other things that are there with the intention to support you on your journey.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you have found our episodes thus far insightful or helpful or valuable in some way, one thing that would I I would be so grateful for is for you to leave a rating and a review.
• 1:05:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've had quite a few of you already reach out about the first episode, and I'm happy to hear that it really moved many of you.
• 1:06:01
  SPEAKER_01: And with this podcast, there's really a frequency that I'm putting out into the universe, and there's the intention to really uplift the feminine frequency within our collective, within us as individuals.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you do resonate with the messages that are being shared here today and they're really landing in your heart and in your body, I would invite you to help me spread this message to uplift the feminine frequency, to spread this out into our collective by again leaving a rating or review, because the world kind of works in algorithms these days, and leaving those ratings and reviews really helps the show to grow and helps more people to learn about it.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_01: You could also share it with a friend as well if you find that uh an episode might be helpful for them on their journey.
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's always such an honor to be here with you day and to share what's been on my heart and what's been on my mind and what I'm seeing and what my hope is for you and for all of us.
• 1:07:27
  SPEAKER_01: Healing isn't always easy, but it can be simple.
• 1:07:33
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_01: I look forward to connecting with you soon.
• 1:07:37
  SPEAKER_01: In the meantime, take care of yourself and take care of each other.
• 1:07:43
  SPEAKER_00: Fighting for the voice of the wood living, clearing the pain from your wooding living, creating new life from your wood.