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What Is Intergenerational Trauma? · Trauma Free Relationship

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Intergenerational trauma is trauma that didn't start with
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you. If you can look back at how you
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were raised by your caretakers, your mother, your father, and
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you can say, you know, as bad as I might have had it or as bad as
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some events were my mom, my dad, or my grandmother, whomever
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might have raised you, they had it worse.
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If you've heard the stories about their caretakers and what
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they had to deal with, and you can draw that line to the ideas,
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expectations, and behaviors and how you were raised and how they
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were raised, that is intergenerational trauma.
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So today we're going to unpack this subject and dive a little
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bit deeper to get a better understanding of how this may
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play out in our life and in our relationships.
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Now be sure and download our free trauma assessment as well
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as our couples guide to getting to the root of the problem.
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And if you want help in implementing any of these ideas,
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you can schedule a clarity call. And if it feels like we're a
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good fit, we can talk about how we might work together.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
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As we mentioned in the beginning, we're going to talk
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today about intergenerational trauma.
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And one of the ways it's defined is trauma that did not start
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with you. Now, intergenerational trauma
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can be emotional, it can be relational trauma.
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It can be anything from physical, verbal, emotional
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abuse. It can also just be neglect.
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Sometimes the dynamics in our patterns and our, our, our
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family of origins growing up create patterns in how we were
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raised because it's passed down through the generations and this
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is not something that's conscious.
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So these patterns can be emotional reactions or patterns,
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They can be attachment style patterns.
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They can be coping strategy patterns, or they can be beliefs
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about what looks like safety and what looks like love.
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And so for example, an emotional pattern might be that you might
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have grown up in a family or the family prior to you, your
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parents family, maybe they didn't acknowledge sad things.
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You know, maybe, maybe there was an uncle that was an alcoholic,
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but that was never talked about. And growing up, there was this
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mysterious figure that was whispered about in corners but
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never really acknowledged. Maybe when somebody passed away,
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like maybe you had a sibling that passed away young and was
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never talked about. Or maybe you had a parent or
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grandparent that was married previously in a generation that
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that was really looked down upon and you only find that out way
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later in your adulthood. So there's some things that are
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never addressed. Now, I'm not a suggesting that
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families somehow should, you know, talk about that.
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It's sort of, you know, on the street corners and blast that
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out to the community. I'm not not talking about the
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opposite effect of that either, but I'm talking about being able
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to acknowledge some of these dark corners or black sheeps or
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these events that can be traumatizing.
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And yet somehow families don't acknowledge those whatsoever.
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Or, you know, they, they, there's a father or a
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grandfather who was an alcoholic.
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And that was, you know, the coping style around that was
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that everybody just sort of hid and scattered and became
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fiercely independent because it wasn't safe at home.
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And so that lack of safety at home gets passed down through
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the generations. The ideas about belief, you
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know, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.
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That is a phrase that's very common.
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Pardon me here in the United States and there's this sort of
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Uber sense of independence like you shouldn't need help, you
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shouldn't need assistance when you get down.
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It's up to you to get up. And and it's it's weak to
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somehow reach for help for others.
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And that I think is a really dangerous and just flat out
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wrong colloquialism in in sort of the Western culture,
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especially here in the United States, that somehow your
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success is all done by you and your failure is all your fault
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as well. And so, you know, these are the
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kinds of patterns or beliefs that can can be passed down from
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generation to generation. Some more examples might be, you
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know, we don't talk about feelings.
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Boy, have I heard that a lot. You know, I'll have a couple
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sitting in front of me and, and one partner is like, you know,
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my, my and just just an example, my, my wife's family, you know,
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they, they're really great about talking about feelings and this
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and that. Man, growing up, we never talked
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about feelings. It's just feelings didn't exist.
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You know, if you got your feelings hurt, you know, you
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just had to suck it up and move on.
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That just was never part of the conversation.
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Or anger equals danger. You know, if somebody gets
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angry, then, you know, everybody scatters because that's
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dangerous and it's destructive. And you know, my grandpa, when
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he got angry, he destroyed things, he threw things, he hurt
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people. He and, and, and that was passed
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down to my dad and so on and so forth.
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Or another one is like, you know, love equals inconsistency
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or love means people abandoned you.
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People don't stay. And you can certainly see that
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one too, where you have these, these ruptures in families that
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are created down the line and, and ultimately results in the
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belief that that, well, you know, people don't stay,
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relationships are unstable. People ultimately are selfish
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and they're out for themselves and they don't sacrifice for one
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another. Some families, you can see the
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opposite effect. Some families are so insular
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that that all they acknowledge is family.
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Family can do no wrong. Family is, you know, blood is
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thicker than water and it's it's family against the rest of the
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world no matter what. And so, you know, little Timmy
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gets in trouble at school. Well, it's not Timmy's fault.
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It's the principal's fault or it's the system's fault or it's
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anybody but the family's fault because the family can do no
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wrong. The family is the end all be all
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of relationships. And it's, and it's a closed
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system, meaning there, there's nobody allowed into the family.
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It is really just the family itself.
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Even if there's certain people that have married in, they're
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still on the peripheral, they're still on the outside.
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So some families are so insular. They had this sort of closed
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system where you're either in the family and you're not.
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And if you're not, then you really don't matter.
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So there's all kinds of patterns that can show up that that look
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like intergenerational trauma. And certainly if we talk about
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insecure attachment styles, we're talking about some kind of
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intergenerational trauma here. Studies have been shown where
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somebody who comes from an insecure style of parenting, so
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say a woman who had a mother that was more avoidance style
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and attachment, raised her daughter.
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Now the daughter is pregnant with the child.
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How do you think she's going to be able to parent that child?
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She's probably going to parent that child in a more avoidant
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style. And so there's actual studies
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that have been shown where they gave the the pregnant daughter
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woman a piece of paper and asked her to draw a picture of her
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cuddling her child. And the picture came back with
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her arms extended as far out as they could be and the child in
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her hands, meaning the child was not cuddled close to her chest.
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It was not swaddled in any way. It was held out at a distance
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because the mother didn't know what that kind of closeness was
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like, didn't know what that what that possibility was to actually
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cradle and be so attuned to the baby's needs in those moments.
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And so there's real research that backs this up, that
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intergenerational trauma certainly can come down in
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attachment styles and it's ways of coping because, you know, our
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mother's mother was, was in a bad situation in their home and
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then pass those expectations and beliefs down and then eventually
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they trickle down to us. So, you know, the the anxious
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caregiver can can become the child becomes hyper vigilant or
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the shutdown caregiver, the child suppresses emotions or the
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unpredictable caregiver, the child scans for danger.
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And so these insecure styles can be passed along.
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And by the way, that doesn't mean that an avoidant ends up
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creating an avoidant that creates an avoidant.
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Our nervous system is more complex than that.
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So you might have a mother that's more avoidant style, but
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the daughter may end up being more anxious style.
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And so sometimes you can have those things switch depending on
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on the biology and the wiring of the individual and how the
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nervous system copes with that. They might cope in a more
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opposite type of direction. So pardon me, I've been sick
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recently. So my voice is a little bit a
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little bit strange. I apologize.
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So, you know, these these generational traumas that can
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come down to us, it's really important to recognize they
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didn't start with us. The ideas that we hold about
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love and safety, closeness and intimacy, power and influence
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and the ability to respect distance and autonomy are
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oftentimes intergenerational by the time they get to us.
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We don't just we don't come out of the womb a complete blank
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slate, what's called a tablo rasa, meaning a blank slate.
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We don't we're pre wired for needs.
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We're pre wired for attachment. And how we get that, how we get
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our needs meant continues to wire our brain, especially the
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first couple of years of life. And so when we're looking at,
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you know, intergenerational trauma here, we're looking at
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one family rules and what the child might learn.
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So for example, don't upset dad and the child might learn
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emotions are unsafe. I can't go to dad or mom and
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feel safe. I can't go and express my
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feelings because dad or mom can't tolerate it.
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And we certainly see this a lot. Another family rule is be
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strong, meaning vulnerability is unsafe.
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We just, we don't get vulnerable.
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We don't reach out in moments of fear or sadness and expect
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comfort. Vulnerability is not something
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we do. Keep the peace might be a family
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rule and that might come out as needs are unsafe.
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So you do whatever you have to do to keep the peace in the
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house. It doesn't matter what your
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needs are. You've have to focus on the
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needs of others. And then finally, you know,
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don't trust outsiders, right? The world is unsafe.
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Family or blood families, the only one that matters that I
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think certainly was something that was passed down.
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And so these ideas and expectations can be passed down
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in unconscious behaviors and an unconscious expectations of what
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relationships and family dynamics can look like.
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I did a podcast a while back talking about systems theory
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and, and this can definitely apply when we start talking
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about systems theory where the dynamic in your family, it
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creates A baseline for what is expected.
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And if you have a family member that tries to buck that
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expectation, then the system itself will push back really
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hard on that family member and try to get them to fall in line
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and meet the expectation of the family.
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And so you know that we, we have these sayings like the black
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sheep of the family. Well, the black sheep of the
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family could be a member of the family that that that maybe has
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fallen on hard times or always struggled with money or
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struggled with addiction of some kind.
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But it also could be the black sheep that was successful, but
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did it in a way that was outside of what the family deemed
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acceptable. So if you were in a family that
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are a bunch of blue collar workers and then all of a sudden
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there's one member that goes and become sort of like this
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capitalist, they might that family member might be looked
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down upon because then they might be seen as sort of a, a
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black sheep because they aren't the sort of, you know, frontline
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boots on the ground blue collar workers that has so defined what
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the family is and has built up a sense of pride in that family.
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And, and there can be many other examples, but you get the idea
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that, you know, bucking the system, being a black sheep
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isn't mean. You're always the bad person,
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but you can be made the bad person.
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Oftentimes in family therapy, you have somebody that's called
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the identified patient. And what will happen is you have
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the family will rally around one person who is holding the the at
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scene as the problem in the family.
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But in some ways, they are only a representative for the the
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problems of the larger system as a whole.
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So the family wants to gather around and say, oh, we need to
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focus on on Susie because she's a real problem.
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But part of what's happening is Susie is just a symptom of the
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larger system as a whole. And so it can be very disruptive
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for families to come to family therapy when the therapist
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starts to challenge the system as a whole and starts to try to
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help the rest of the family realize that maybe little Susie
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is just a symptom of the larger issues.
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Maybe the problem isn't always inside Little Susie.
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Maybe thus the problem is inside the system as a whole.
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So again, I'm I'm hoping I can illustrate a lot of different
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ways here that that intergenerational trauma can be
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passed down without us ever realizing what those ideas and
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expectations are. And we don't realize it because
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when we grow up in our family system were very insular,
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meaning that we don't want to know what it's like to be in a
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different family. We don't know what it's like to
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have different parents, different siblings that had
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different grandparents and different expectations.
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This is all we know. And so it's only when we start
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getting old enough, maybe into our later teenage years, where
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we might be able to begin to spend some more extended time
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with other family members and start to get a sense of other
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families dynamics, that we can then be able to look back at our
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family and go, oh, wow, that's kind of weird.
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Or maybe the other family feels weird and your family feels
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really normal. But you know, sometimes you look
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back and you go, oh, wow, my family.
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But that, that is really strange.
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That would never have happened. I remember years and years ago
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when I was a teenager, I was up at a lake house visiting a
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friend with his family. And they were big readers.
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And I didn't bring a book with me, but had some money and
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wanted to read a book. And so my friend and his dad
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jumped in the car and we were going to go around trying to
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find anything, a little 5 and dime or a bookstore.
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And this was kind of a remote lake house, so the chances
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weren't very big. But I remember this dad driving
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me around for what felt like an hour or two looking, trying
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different places, looking to see if there was some books that I
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could purchase and come back and read.
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And so one of the thoughts I had is, wow, my dad never would have
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done this. My dad was more impatient and he
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was more quick to anger. And I just remember how patient
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my friend's dad was. And I remember thinking that,
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wow, my dad never would have. I mean, he might have gone one
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place and then said, OK, well, they don't have it.
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We got to go back or whatever. But he never would have been so
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patient as my friend's dad was. And I just remember being able
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to make that kind of comparison. And so those are the kinds of
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things I'm talking about where we often don't recognize, you
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know, intergenerational trauma because we grow up and it's all
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we know. Our family dynamic, whatever
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that dynamic is, whether you're in a two parent household, a one
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parent household, whether you're raised by your grandparents, you
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know, it could be anything but, but whatever that looks like,
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it's all you know. And until you grow up and you
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start stepping out of that family system more, are you only
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able then to look back and to try to recognize, oh, OK, I can
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kind of see where there was some family expectations that served
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me well and there were some that didn't serve me very well.
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So when we start talking about intergenerational trauma, you
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know, we need to kind of be able to look back and pay attention
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to some of the signs. So how do you know if you have
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intergenerational trauma? How do you know if that's
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something that was passed down? Well, here's some here's some
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clues. First of all, from an emotional
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standpoint, where there are times where people overreacted
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to things, did did people explode and blow up over things
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that seem somewhat small? Did a dad or mom or grandmother
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who was raising you, were they unpredictable?
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Could they explode and you never quite knew what would set them
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off so they could get really triggered?
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And when they did, they completely went overboard with
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something that can certainly be some intergenerational trauma.
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Was there a numbness during conflict that happened?
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Did people shut down and and did people ignore each other for
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days or sometimes weeks at a time during conflict because the
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other person didn't feel heard or understood or didn't get
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their way? Was there a fear of being a
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burden in the family growing up? Was there ever any kind of
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repair? Was there always a lack of
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repair? Well, in my family, we would
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blow up at each other, but we never came back and talked about
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it. There were, there were never any
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apologies. There were, there were only
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punishments. And then even then it was more
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of a, you know, we just kind of went back and eventually we
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started talking to each other, but it was never revisited.
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And so these can be, you know, symptoms of intergenerational
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trauma from an emotional standpoint.
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What about a relational standpoint?
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Well, are, are, you know, are you attracted to emotionally
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unavailable people because you grew up with emotionally
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unavailable people and that actually feels normal to you.
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Is does conflict feel dangerous or does it conflict feel normal?
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It might be that your nervous system grew up with come some
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conflict and that actually feels normal in a relationship.
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And so sometimes you find yourself creating conflict where
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there couldn't or shouldn't be any because that's what your
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nervous system thrives on. And it's after the conflict that
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you begin to feel close and connected to your partner
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because maybe that's one of the only ways, you know, to begin to
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feel close and connected because vulnerability may not be an
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option. Coming to them with openness and
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vulnerability and seeking connection that way may not be
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an option. So how do you seek vulnerable
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connection? Will you create come some kind
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of an argument and then you come back and you repair and then you
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feel close and maybe you guys have great makeup sex or
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something like that. And that's how that's a system
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that, you know, that works with being able to create closeness.
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You know, do you people please automatically because that was
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your role in the family. So there's these relational
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roles that we can certainly fall into.
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What about identity beliefs? What about I'm too much my needs
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push people away. Love doesn't last.
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So you might have these core beliefs about yourself, and I've
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certainly seen these come about during times of couples that I'm
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working with where when we drill down and peel back some of those
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protective layers, what you find at the bedrock is some sense of,
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well, I'm too much for others. I've always been too much.
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I've always been told this and it's only a matter of time
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before they leave me. And so being able to understand
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that core belief that often can drive the behavior in a
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relationship because it's coming from some sense of how you see
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yourself, your identity. So how do we go about breaking
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the cycles? This is a really big question,
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more than we can just answer on this podcast alone.
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But I want to touch on a few things.
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I think first of all, breaking generational trauma means one,
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we have to recognize it. What kind of symptoms are we
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looking at that you're able to see in your relationship now
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that you might be able to tug on a string that goes back a
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generation or two that you can actually point to from past
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expectations, past dynamics in your family or your parents or
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caretakers family growing up? So a lot of what we just walked
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through are those kind of symptoms that can be passed down
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through generations. So breaking the generational
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trauma ones, we have to be able to sort of recognize it to once
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we recognize it, then we have to be able to try to give ourselves
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what we didn't get in the 1st place.
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So you know, if, if, if, if exploding in anger is something
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that's been passed down because it comes from a place of shame
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where you simply don't feel good enough, then you need to be able
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to figure out how do I, how do I have some self compassion so
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that my shame doesn't enter the conversation, It doesn't explode
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in anger, which is a secondary emotion in order to protect this
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sense of not being good enough. And how do I start to work on
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that within myself so that I don't pass this down to another
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generation? So being able to give yourself
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some kind of an experience and recognize what it is I need.
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And sometimes coaching programs, therapy can really help with
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this because part of what they can do is help you meet that
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need that was never met growing up.
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And when you do, when you get that need met, then a lot of
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that that protectiveness begins to fade away because you don't
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need the protectiveness. If our need is being met, then
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there's no need for a protection.
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It's only we, we only have protection around unmet needs
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because they hurt, their wounds, their traumas, they're painful.
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And so we erect our protections to protect us from re
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experiencing that kind of pain. And so if you start to give
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yourself those needs that are met, then you get to change and
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transform how you show up in your relationships and how you
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show up for yourself. Now maybe you've got the ability
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to be able to emotionally expand in ways that you've never been
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able to before. Now you've got the be able to
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ability to communicate. You know, I'm getting upset.
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I may need a moment. You know what, I feel hurt.
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That was very hurtful to me. Can you apologize for that?
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Or you know what, I respectfully disagree.
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Let's continue this conversation because I'm not sure we're on
26:35
the same page or I'm not responsible for your emotions.
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I'm sorry you feel bad, but when I expressed my hurt, you don't
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get to weaponize that and use that against me.
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So all of these kinds of phrases come from a place where your
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your intergenerational wounds are beginning to heal because
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now you have not only the words, but the emotional capacity to be
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able to communicate and show up differently in your
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relationships. And so that takes a lot of work.
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I'm not suggesting it's like a light switch where you can just
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turn it on one day, but but doing that then allows you to
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not pass those intergenerational traumas down to the next
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generation. So let's be realistic.
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What changes in one generation? Well, some emotional reactivity
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can change in one generation. We can change how we parent our
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children. Maybe we can attune to them
27:39
better. Maybe we can sit with some of
27:42
their emotions that might be uncomfortable for us, but we can
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learn to do that in a way that our caretakers never could.
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Maybe we learn to work on our attachment styles so that if
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we're more avoidant, we can demonstrate to our children how
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we can reach out to others and how we can accept nurturance and
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care and not shut down. Or if we're anxious, how we can
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practice self soothing and how we can learn to not be flooded
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at the slightest sense of disconnection in our
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relationships. Or you know, how we can not
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carry the survival wiring, how we can learn to be safe in our
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own bodies so that we don't constantly feel unsafe, like
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they're the whole world is dangerous and and many others.
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You can add probably a list of your own in there as well.
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There, you know, there are there are things that can change
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within one generation to another.
28:47
You know, something even as simple as my father was an
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alcoholic and so I don't drink. It's in my genes.
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I know it and I'm not going to do that.
28:58
My father used to abuse me physically.
29:02
I will never spank my kids. That is something that can
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absolutely be changed in one generation and and you should be
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able to be very, very proud of how you are changing that.
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And even if, even if it's just that you are at least able to
29:22
change something significant, huge, significant change in one
29:29
generation. So I know we talked a lot about
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what generation intergenerational trauma looks
29:34
like here. Don't, don't get overwhelmed.
29:37
Pick one thing, identify one thing and begin to work on that
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and begin to think this is something that I've always
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struggled with and I'm not going to pass this down to the next
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generation. Thank you so much for listening.
29:53
As always. My name is Tom Phil, and I'm
29:55
here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connect.