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From Tears to Roots: Growing a Life Worth Living · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Every tear you ever cried was simply washing away the stains accumulated from life.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: And every tear you ever cried has just been watering your own garden.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: There comes a moment when you realize you've walked through the fire and your feet remember how to feel the earth again.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: You remember here I am.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: You remember how beautiful and supported you have always been.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: And after the tears have been cried and you are able to look down at what your tears have been watering, you can see yourself standing barefoot in your own garden.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: The flowers are blooming.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: And again the remembrance that every tear watered this.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: What you were standing in.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Beauty into being.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And almost like the first time you know that the flowers were always yours.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is what it feels like to finally be free in my own life.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: To be me.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm writing this.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I wrote it this morning, and now I'm sharing it.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because for years I have been cleaning out the mansion of my inner world, opening old boxes, sitting with the ghosts of the past, the pains, the traumas, the stories, the heartache, the disconnection that I've always felt in life.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: The pain that came with being in the family.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Losing mom, losing dad, being estranged from certain siblings, and learning how to hold myself with compassion.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Learning how to see myself, the truth of who I am.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: As a little girl, I watched my mother fall down the steps one morning.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: We were in the car, her Caprice Classic, and it was a cold autumn day.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: And when the car was parked in the driveway of my friend, and it was my mom's day to drive us to preschool.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And as she was waiting for my friend to get his coat on, I watched her fall back.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: There was stone cobble steps, and she landed in the grass.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then I remember seeing the shock of the mom as she moved her son away from the sight that she was seeing, and then vanished from the door, which I'm assuming to go in and call the ambulance.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then I remember her running out with a blanket because it was cold and placing a blanket on my mom.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then I vaguely remember screaming and crying, and then watching an ambulance come up, and then watching them take her away.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next thing I remember is being inside with my friend's older brother, and he was teaching me how to write the number eight, but he made, but he did it as a snowman.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I learned how to write the number eight as a snowman.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And my brother was really young at the time as well, like a baby.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next memory that I have is what now I know is my mom's funeral, but I remember being a little girl in the front row at the church and just seeing the church packed.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't want to sit in the chair.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: We had little kneelers.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I just wanted to sit on the kneeler.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember looking up and at my grandpa, and I see my grandpa, and he was so strong and sturdy and stoic.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's all I remember.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I do know that that experience is something that has been so powerfully woven into my story and has been like this catalyst for deeper spiritual investigation.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: That really was the moment, the beginning of my spiritual story.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And as much as from there on out, it just felt like fragmented parts of experiences.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And at a very young age, I learned how to dissociate very quickly.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: There was turbulence in the house always.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: It just was layers and layers of dysfunction.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And no one in the family was taken care of.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's you know, my siblings, we were dirty, very dirty.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um it was just, it was just a thing.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: It was wild.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then when my dad remarried, another chapter unfold, and that one left an imprint in my energetic blueprint.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I may never really need to unbox or understand, you know, the dynamic between my dad and his new wife, which then is my was my stepmom, which I still don't really want to say that at all.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: She was the stepmom.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: And realizing that some stories can just stay in their boxes, not as wounds, but just, you know, another part of the story that I'm sure makes sense somewhere along the line.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to unpack that.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And they say that the first seven years of life shapes the lens through which we see the world.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: And in my own healing journey, my adult journey has been about holding, caring for, loving, nourishing little Julie.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: This little part of me who lost her mom, and thought she lost herself too, in that.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: In my memory of that day of watching my mom collapse on the steps, in my memory, I like to hold the vision of watching, being able to watch my mom in such adoration and love.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: So as she was waiting at the door, I think I remember.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because memories are tricky like that.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just seeing her, my mom, and having so much adoration for her.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: My nine-year spiritual shit show, then, that really landed from 2017 to now.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's been a nine-year spiritual sabbatical or spiritual shit show, depending on the day.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's really been about returning to my roots and not just healing the trauma or being mad and angry and blaming and all the things.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: But it's really been now about tending to the soil beneath it, the place where worth and love and joy can grow again.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I shared in what I just recorded here.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: In 2020, I had to go home to um be with my dad and try to handle some family business, meaning, you know, his finances and where they all were, and try to get organized because we knew that his health, he was the dementia was really and the Alzheimer's was really starting to set in.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: So we needed to get all of our ducks in a row.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I had to go down to my dad's house and I did it by myself.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't really have a lot of support from siblings and whatnot.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: It was me, my me, my boots on the ground doing that.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it was so rattling for me.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Rattling.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I came back from this trip, I was like, I cannot do that again.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I cannot put myself and my physical body through that again.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I sought out um a monk at the temple here in Colorado.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like begging, like, please, can you, I need, I desperately need spiritual guidance on all of this.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I've met this monk before in passing, but I've never actually sat down to talk to him.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: So we have a meeting.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was so grateful for his graciousness and wisdom.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so we sat down and he said, tell me about your childhood loosely, like mom, dad, you know, family.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I told him, and he was like, uh-huh.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Your problem is not what you think it is.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: What you have been dealing with your entire life is that your roots have been severed, like cut, like somebody came in and cut your roots with an axe.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so we don't even need to heal them.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: What we need to do is we need to place you in new soil so your roots can grow again and grow strong.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so this was what, five years ago?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I am now understanding that concept.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I have now, I am now understanding what this feels like to have strong roots in my life because I have done enough healing on self, on family, on childhood stuff, that it feels appropriate now to really intentionally and deliberately place myself in new soil so I can grow new roots.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: And today I feel in my life that I am no longer managing my pain story, my trauma story, my family story, my all of that.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not surviving it.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: I am embodying it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I can finally embrace more of a deeper, compassionate acceptance of it all.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Breathing, present, integrated, just for today.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Allowing myself to be in the quiet miracle of my own arrival.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe this is what life, the soul's experience, is really about.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: The art of remembering who you are, the allowance of the good to be present in you, the opportunity to look down at your bare feet on the earth and to witness every flower that has been watered by every tear you have ever cried, and seeing that all of it has been building your heaven on earth.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: And just for today, just for today, I'm going to embrace love.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Just for today, I'm going to allow myself to have a deeper exhale.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Just for today, I'm going to anchor in to all that is being held for me, allowing more and more truths, golden nuggets of light of who I am, what I'm here to experience, to be felt, seen, and witnessed.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you today, just for today.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: A deep inhale, pulling in, even if it's just one molecule at a time, the loving remembrance of who you are and what you are here to experience.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And together, maybe we can realize it's all remembrance, it's all love.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: That you, we, are each sparks of the universe.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Experiencing itself.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: I once believed I wasn't enough because I didn't have what others had.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have a mom.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have a normal family life.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have unconditional love.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even have clean clothes for God's sakes.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: But all of that shaped me into the woman who remembered she is her own source.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: I take a lot of honor now and can self hold like a stronger, compassionate holding of myself that I have walked through the fire to understand wisdom, that what I am learning and what I am processing and what I am teaching and what I am integrating and what I'm going to continue to learn is wisdom itself, and none of that can be understood from any spiritual text.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: That we are souls here in this human experience, and it's through the human experience that we remember the wisdom of love, that we remember the truth of who we are.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: And now I am learning to embrace the story of me, to love every version the lost one, the child, the warrior, the guide, to feel the sweetness of myself returning, the remembrance of me.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: And perhaps the whole point of life is this to wake up from the trance of not enoughness and remember the infinite power that lives within.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: To love yourself so deeply that your very existence becomes the medicine.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: And from that love, you naturally awaken the light in others.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: When you live in truth, you shine in a way that whispers it's safe to be you too.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I see you.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I see the truth and the light of who you are.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I see you.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the art of becoming the sacred act of coming home to yourself again and again and again until love is all that's left.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: You are the fire and the flower, the ashes and the bloom, every loss carved space for light to enter, every heartbreak opened a petal of your becoming.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: You came not to perfect yourself, but to remember yourself.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And as you do, your remembrance becomes a torch in the dark, guiding others home to their own light.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being here.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Love.