Latest / Look Who's Talking / Leila Salisbury - Grief in Children
Transcript
- 0:17You are listening to Look Who's Talking. My name
- 0:23is Cameron Minter. I am your co -host and our
- 0:26wonderful Head Start Director. Jessica Coffie.
- 0:32Hi. Dickerson. Thank you. Wait, you got to wait
- 0:35for I do it right. Okay. Okay. Jessica Coffie
- 0:39Dickerson. Hello, everyone. She's in the house.
- 0:45JCD, how are you? I'm doing good, Cam. You know,
- 0:49the program you started yesterday was a birthday
- 0:52for kiddos. Yes. Rugrats are back. They are.
- 0:57And, you know, with. The first day comes excitement
- 1:02and stress at the same time. Yes, yes, make it
- 1:05work. Yes, we had a storm the day before, the
- 1:09night before, and in one of our locations, lightning
- 1:13struck. Oh, wow. So there's no power at one location,
- 1:18but, you know. We're getting through, huh? We
- 1:20are getting through. Had them kids outside in
- 1:23the rain. You better say your ABCs. You know
- 1:27what? The summer just went by too fast. It did.
- 1:31I feel like I've missed so much. It did. And,
- 1:34yeah, it's been a rough summer. Yeah. I'm looking
- 1:37forward to the fall. Yeah. I don't even know.
- 1:42I can't even remember what I did. Well, you got
- 1:47married. She's mad now. And I can't even remember
- 1:50if I talked about that on our last podcast. Well,
- 1:53you did. You sure did. Look at you. You're a
- 1:57pro. You know what to do. System. Yeah, shut
- 2:03that thing down. We don't want that noise. I
- 2:07think those nails are. Sorry, you're going to
- 2:10have to do it. But yeah, so that's where we are.
- 2:15I can't even remember if I talked about getting
- 2:19married. You did. You did. We're on to now the
- 2:25transition of how has that been for you? What's
- 2:30going on in the Dickerson home? Well, my husband
- 2:34is a great cleaner. That was a concern. That
- 2:39was a concern because JCD is a little OCD. I
- 2:45am. I am. But you know what? It's the transition,
- 2:49and I think about this for kind of any transition
- 2:52with life. there's gonna be some things that
- 2:57like oh yay and then oh i wasn't expecting this
- 3:02so we're we are and one of the biggest things
- 3:06for me is well besides having you know people
- 3:09in my house because i was used to being single
- 3:13and you know but um is the balance between work
- 3:18and life because i haven't had to do that before
- 3:22at least maybe i was supposed to but i didn't
- 3:26because i didn't have to you know right like
- 3:29work was work was life yeah and now life involves
- 3:33other people right um it's kind of like waiting
- 3:37at home like where you at yeah but he's also
- 3:42understanding because he doesn't have a traditional
- 3:44job he's a mortician so he could get a job i
- 3:48mean get a call at three in the morning and he
- 3:50will have to get up and you know but so Yeah,
- 3:54it's been different, but it's been fun. Of course
- 3:58it has. Of course it has. Don't I sound like
- 4:01a wife now? Yes, you sound like a wife. You're
- 4:03so calm. We didn't give 15 notices about your
- 4:07birthday. I think we only got one. I was going
- 4:10to say, now you got one. You might not have gotten
- 4:12me. Oh, that was a thing. So, I mean, of course,
- 4:16y 'all know I celebrated my birthday last week.
- 4:20Yay! My birthday is like a month long celebration.
- 4:27It was. Yes. And we're still celebrating. What
- 4:31are you talking about? It was. Yeah. So I usually
- 4:37plan out a whole just thing. And he was like,
- 4:43do you trust me? Oh, are you going to let me
- 4:48plan? So I had nothing to do with my birthday.
- 4:54and that gave me a little bit of anxiety because
- 4:57I'm like, well, what if he doesn't want to do
- 4:59what I want to do? Right. But no, he did a great
- 5:02job. Oh. Yeah. So it's over. For the people I
- 5:08make celebrate, yes. But for me and him, no.
- 5:11There's a couple more restaurants we have to
- 5:13go to. Yeah. Hey, so have you gotten his, you
- 5:20know, your foodie? Has that rubbed off? Oh, yes.
- 5:24Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So he is open to try like
- 5:29any restaurant. Yeah, I think we have been cooking
- 5:35more. That's good to say. Yes. You're married
- 5:39now. We got to put some cooking in. Yes. Especially
- 5:43when you're making posts about, you know, parents
- 5:45with all these pictures. I know. Show the dinner
- 5:48for that. But Cam, I used to like everyone at
- 5:52work. I'm like, you actually mean you leave work
- 5:55and go home and cook for your family. And guess
- 5:58who's doing it now? Like, I don't even think
- 6:01twice about it. I go in and like, oh, this is
- 6:04what I'm going to eat. I whip it up. And it's
- 6:08not like it takes a long time. You know, I want
- 6:11to give you props, but you're a financer. So,
- 6:14you know, okay, I'm going to put this elbow grease
- 6:18in instead of paying $400 a month for food. Out.
- 6:23Yeah, well. We just did that last week, okay?
- 6:28No. No, like, yeah, because now bringing two
- 6:33people, two finances, and I'm like, I know that
- 6:37I was, you know, handling by myself, but now
- 6:42coming in. Teamwork. Yes, it's teamwork. It's,
- 6:46hey, how can we flip this money and make it work
- 6:50for us, you know? So, yeah, we're just trying
- 6:54to. lovingly figure everything out it's been
- 6:58it's been fun though that's good that's good
- 7:00that's that's the great part i still keep saying
- 7:03about christmas christmas is coming that no thanksgiving's
- 7:06coming so you better you better get that together
- 7:09yeah so we have yet to decide on because he's
- 7:15from here his family's here and mine is four
- 7:17hours away in paducah and i'm like this will
- 7:21be the thanksgiving i've i've done thanksgiving
- 7:25away from them but christmas i'm sorry my mama
- 7:29and daddy still give me gifts now that's over
- 7:32that's over you get socks and drawers from here
- 7:36on out you just look for no they still give gifts
- 7:39i still want to be present for those gifts but
- 7:42i've talked to my niece uh my niece nephew and
- 7:45my sister and we're concocting like let's do
- 7:50Christmas away because they're older now it's
- 7:52not as fun and we're thinking about doing it
- 7:56away and somehow convincing my parents they need
- 8:00to come don't yeah I don't know how that's gonna
- 8:04work because they're they're like more traditional
- 8:06that's me yeah but I will say We're open. Right,
- 8:15right. We're open because cooking for everybody
- 8:17and all that, that's getting old. That's getting
- 8:20old. Well, and I just feel like we're in a different
- 8:24place, society -wise, world -wise. Like, I'm
- 8:28into experiences more than I'm into gifts now.
- 8:33Don't get me wrong. If you give me a gift, I'm
- 8:35going to take it. But I want us to have memories.
- 8:38Yeah. That's good. That's real good. Well, it
- 8:43sounds like you're ready for a Coffie Break.
- 8:57All right. For today's Coffie Break, I want to
- 9:00say and just remind you, we are not our past
- 9:04mistakes. We are our present and future intention.
- 9:09What do you think about that? Oh, I love that.
- 9:12Not our past mistakes. Because, you know, there's
- 9:15somebody who will always remind us of our past.
- 9:19Oh my God, I got a story about that. It'll be
- 9:22an off -air story. But those who remind you of
- 9:26your past want to keep you held to those pasts
- 9:31to make them feel better about your accomplishments.
- 9:35Some people would rather see you, remember you
- 9:38in the mud than to see you in the light. Yeah.
- 9:41See what I'm saying? So, yeah. And it's important
- 9:45that, you know, you have a different vision of
- 9:49yourself. Whatever that past was, it should not
- 9:53block your vision or you seeing clearly on your
- 9:57present and your future. That's it. That's it.
- 9:59Because if we are stuck to our past. Were you
- 10:04at pre -service? No. Oh, you were not. I know.
- 10:08I know. We had someone at pre -service who works
- 10:11with our homeless population. And he laid it
- 10:16all out about his past. Like, he was very transparent.
- 10:19And he said the only way that I can basically
- 10:23understand someone who was on drugs, someone
- 10:26who was homeless, is because I've been in that
- 10:30place. And now I'm walking with them to get them
- 10:33out. It was just so powerful that I felt like
- 10:39the room erupted and people had tears because
- 10:43sometimes through the hustle and bustle of work,
- 10:47through the frustrations and things like that,
- 10:50we kind of... lose focus of what we're here to
- 10:53do. But I feel like that put us back into that
- 10:57spot of I am here to serve people. I am here
- 11:01to make a better pathway for someone else who's,
- 11:05you know, walking on the dirt road. You know,
- 11:08that's it. And speaking of, Cam, we have a great
- 11:13guest on our show today. We're going to be talking
- 11:16about understanding grief in children. Because
- 11:20sometimes, again, with this pathway, there might
- 11:23be something that in our past that we're dealing
- 11:27with that we haven't dealt with. So we have Lela
- 11:32Salisbury here with us. And she is the executive
- 11:39director of the Kentucky Center of Grieving Children
- 11:43and Families. And that was founded in 2020. Welcome,
- 11:47Leela. Thank you. I'm so glad to be here today.
- 11:49We're so glad to have you. And knowing that our
- 11:53program, we have experienced loss on many different
- 11:58levels in our program. And it's good to have
- 12:02you here and know that there's a resource out
- 12:05there for children and families. Yes, I will.
- 12:07say all our services are free for kids and their
- 12:10families we do community -based support groups
- 12:13we've got some school -based services for professionals
- 12:18we do training education this fall we're about
- 12:21to start and I'll make sure you all have information
- 12:23about that bi -monthly kind of open zoom for
- 12:28parents and caregivers who have questions about
- 12:31grief and you know we may take a topic or sometimes
- 12:37You know, people can just ask us questions and
- 12:39we'll have our clinician on there. And, you know,
- 12:41grief behavior seems so mysterious and abnormal.
- 12:46And I feel like most of the time I spend, you
- 12:50know, when I'm talking to folks, I'm like, that's
- 12:52completely normal for what's happened, you know,
- 12:55in this child's life. So, yeah, I would love
- 12:57for people to, you know, think of us anytime
- 12:59as a resource. And so. How about you open up
- 13:03and just tell our guests a little bit more about.
- 13:08the Kentucky Center for Grieving Children. How
- 13:12did it get established? Tell a little bit more
- 13:14about you. Yeah, so this was a career shift in
- 13:18my 40s, late 40s for me. I started in higher
- 13:23education for 25 years. And I'm from Kentucky,
- 13:28but my daughter and I and husband were living
- 13:31in Jackson, Mississippi for our work. And about
- 13:35four years after we moved there, died by suicide.
- 13:38And so I was alone with my five year old, my
- 13:42family's all here in Kentucky. And there happened
- 13:45to be a children's grief center about two miles
- 13:48up the road from where we lived. And that kind
- 13:51of became our second home. You know, the place
- 13:54where everybody got and had some version of what
- 13:59we were going through. And it just became our
- 14:01safe. And I found myself joking repeatedly, I'm
- 14:06going to move back to Kentucky and start one
- 14:07of these centers. Kentucky was one of the last
- 14:09states that didn't have a child and family focused
- 14:12program. And so about the fifth time I made that
- 14:15joke, I'm like, okay, you know, my soul is telling
- 14:18me something here. So I started a year before
- 14:22we moved volunteering with them just to see from,
- 14:25you know, the non -client side, what does this
- 14:27work feel like? And I loved it. You know, I always
- 14:30say that center was the, most peaceful and happy
- 14:34place I knew. And you know, when you're talking
- 14:36about grief, anybody who hasn't walked this journey
- 14:38is like, what? That doesn't sound right. But
- 14:40I think for people who have experienced that,
- 14:43there are those places. And so I realized. That's
- 14:46what I want to do for Kentucky. So we started
- 14:50during COVID, which was kind of crazy. But my
- 14:54MO has always been never waste a good crisis.
- 14:57So we were very fortunate. There was COVID recovery
- 15:01money coming through the state. And so we started
- 15:03a pilot with Fayette County Public Schools to
- 15:07do school -based grief groups to start. And it
- 15:11kind of grew from there. And a year later, we
- 15:15added a family group in Lexington. This fall,
- 15:20we're ready to add, or well, it'll probably be
- 15:22January, but a second location of a family group
- 15:25with St. John Missionary Baptist Church to really,
- 15:30you know, there's so much need. And I want to
- 15:32create spaces that feel right for any family.
- 15:37So it is, I just want people to reach out to
- 15:42us. You know, I think people are afraid to talk
- 15:45about or touch their grief, but I feel like that's
- 15:48one of the most empowering and powerful things
- 15:52you can do for your family as a whole. And especially
- 15:55for the kids who are impacted. Well, we'll talk
- 15:58more about that. I just went through some grief
- 16:01and as you are saying it, Yeah, everybody's been
- 16:05real quiet around me. So, yeah, we'll talk more
- 16:08with Lila right after the break. You are listening
- 16:11to Look Who's Talking. This past year has highlighted
- 16:30the strength of Community Action Council. Every
- 16:32day, our staff works together to help families
- 16:35recover from this crisis. We're educating children
- 16:37at home and in person, helping parents who lost
- 16:39their jobs, and helping households avoid eviction.
- 16:42Our work at Community Action Council has never
- 16:44been more important than it is right now. So
- 16:47why don't you join us? We have employment opportunities
- 16:49requiring a range of skills from entry level
- 16:51to advanced. Apply online at commaction .org.
- 16:56That's commaction .org. We're back and we're
- 17:21talking with Lila Salisbury, right? And we're
- 17:26talking. Huh? Lila? I want to keep saying Lila.
- 17:32It's Lila. Lila Salisbury. I'm so sorry. We're
- 17:36talking about grief. And I just lost my mom.
- 17:40And it's funny coming back to work because people
- 17:46don't know what to say. They don't know what
- 17:48to do. They look. You get the aww look. Unless
- 17:55they're turning down the hall like when they
- 17:57see you because they kind of like they love you
- 17:59but they don't know what to say. It's the elephant
- 18:02in the room and everybody's like, hey, hi, okay.
- 18:08Yes, you know. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's
- 18:11difficult. It's difficult dealing with grief
- 18:14and knowing that life must go on, right? You
- 18:18got to get back into a routine. You got to get
- 18:21things going, you know. You just can't stop.
- 18:26And I think that's a challenge in dealing with
- 18:30grief. What are some ways that people can take
- 18:35that grief and, you know, is it okay to talk
- 18:40about it? Yes. I joke like 90 % of my job is
- 18:45encouraging people to have uncomfortable conversations
- 18:48they really don't want to have. Talking about
- 18:52it is so important because once you do, it is
- 18:57the most common human experience we will all
- 19:00have. We will all experience loss during our
- 19:03lives. And so to me, it's funny and odd that
- 19:06like considering that is the thing that connects
- 19:09us most as humans, like we're terrible at acknowledging
- 19:12it or we act like it's this other thing that,
- 19:15you know, we don't want to acknowledge or talk
- 19:18about. And so there is something very freeing.
- 19:21And something I think grieving people find is
- 19:25they're sometimes surprised and disappointed
- 19:28by who doesn't show up for them because sometimes
- 19:31the people you think are going to show up don't.
- 19:34And then that's its own form of grief. But I
- 19:37think they also find, and this has certainly
- 19:39been true in my experience, other people show
- 19:42up. that you don't expect they're they're kind
- 19:45of like maybe your second circle often but suddenly
- 19:48in these moments of grief and loss like the right
- 19:52people do show up they're just kind of different
- 19:54from maybe who you thought and so there is something
- 19:58it's both sad and beautiful like the new connections
- 20:01that you make and you find the people who will
- 20:04talk about it with you and that becomes you know
- 20:07i think people just feel like if If we talk about
- 20:11it, it'll be triggering. It'll be upsetting for
- 20:14you. And I will say, I came back to work and
- 20:18the girls upstairs, they was like, hey, can you
- 20:21come upstairs? And I was like, okay. I came upstairs
- 20:24and they had a beautiful plaque with lights and
- 20:28my mother's picture. And I said, okay, I gotta
- 20:31go. You know, that's something I think part of
- 20:37why it feels so uncomfortable. Because in that
- 20:40moment, you showed up as a full human being with
- 20:43both the gratitude and joy and the sadness. And
- 20:46I think, you know, I was talking to an artist
- 20:49a couple days ago about a project, you know,
- 20:53that we're doing with her. And at one point,
- 20:56because it's a project, my late mother was an
- 20:58artist. And so this is an art project. So it
- 21:01really feels like a tribute to her in some ways.
- 21:04And then I realized I'm just crying on this Zoom.
- 21:06And I'm like, good Lord, this is like... professional
- 21:09what's happening you know with me and we just
- 21:11kind of sat in it and then it moved on to the
- 21:13meeting and i i thought about it afterwards and
- 21:16i'm like years ago i think i would have been
- 21:18upset with myself or think oh this person thinks
- 21:22i'm crazy and the other day i'm like you know
- 21:26what i just showed up as my full self and i think
- 21:28that is one of the things grief you know it cracks
- 21:32open the heaviest and sometimes hardest of emotions
- 21:35but with that on the other end of the spectrum
- 21:38comes great joy and appreciation of life so you
- 21:43know it's it's living in the fullest in all that
- 21:47yeah complication and messiness sometimes i think
- 21:51sometimes with us is it's hard for us to be vulnerable
- 21:54in certain situations and i don't think that
- 21:57we talk about grief enough not just when it comes
- 22:00but Even before then, and to me, and I don't
- 22:06know why we don't talk about it, but I'm to the
- 22:09point now where I've lost so many people close
- 22:12to me that I want to be there, empathetic for
- 22:16others going through it as well. But I'm also
- 22:18like, for me, if you tell me, oh, it's going
- 22:22to be okay, I want to. Turn around and be like,
- 22:24shut up. No, it won't. Or like when, like Cameron
- 22:30said, life moves on for everyone else. it's like
- 22:35no my life has changed i have to adjust to this
- 22:39yes and it feels wrong like the the victorians
- 22:43turn of the century they had all these traditions
- 22:45where when somebody close to you died they would
- 22:47literally stop the clocks and they would cover
- 22:50them up with like a black cloth and you could
- 22:52go into a room for like a year and not have to
- 22:54see anybody you don't want to see and in some
- 22:57ways i'm like i get that like right that's that
- 23:01actually is attending to your grief in a way
- 23:03probably that's really helpful but our modern
- 23:06life does not accommodate that at all so i think
- 23:10and and the messaging we get around it you know
- 23:14like a month later you're like oh well it's been
- 23:17a month or aren't you all right now and there
- 23:20I think there are so many expectations that are
- 23:23set of how you are supposed to grieve in a timeline
- 23:26and none of those things you know grief is as
- 23:29individual as you are as a person and how you
- 23:32grieve is going to be different from and Even
- 23:35grieving one loss to another loss can feel like
- 23:39a completely different experience. I think that's
- 23:42part of why. grief seems so scary to people because
- 23:47if there were just like a list of three things,
- 23:49you know, if you're grieving, you do these three
- 23:51things and then you'll be fine. And like that
- 23:53list is, well, it kind of doesn't exist, but
- 23:56also is different for everybody. So there's no
- 23:59one way to do it. And that makes it feel really
- 24:02hard and messy. One of the things, you know,
- 24:04we serve children zero to five. Yes. And, um,
- 24:08I was good until like, my grandkid came and he's
- 24:15he you know he's responding to death with like
- 24:19you know wake up mama t yes and he's hugging
- 24:23and he's you know he's really paying attention
- 24:26to me you know and i i find that as uh i think
- 24:32i read somewhere in in the preparation that that
- 24:35is how uh they deal with grief because as we're
- 24:39dealing with grief the children are dealing with
- 24:42grief as well yes that is one of the biggest
- 24:44misconceptions i think people have about children
- 24:46in grief they think either they're too young
- 24:49to grieve that they don't understand what's happening
- 24:52at all or you know we just say oh kids are resilient
- 24:55you know they'll be fine and we don't have to
- 24:57talk about it and they'll just magically be okay
- 24:59with it and I don't think either of those things
- 25:01are true and I think I was reminded of this yesterday
- 25:06actually last night I was at a meeting with a
- 25:08site partner and one of the folks we were meeting
- 25:10with she has a five -year -old and they were
- 25:12setting up you know she was setting up a play
- 25:14area for her and one of the toys you know she's
- 25:19like this is from grandma couch you know here's
- 25:23that thing you really like and the little the
- 25:25five -year -old's like grandma couch is dead
- 25:28and the mom's like yes yes she is like kids at
- 25:32that age are very literal they they also don't
- 25:36until like the age of nine or ten they don't
- 25:38understand the permanence of death so part of
- 25:41you know how kids are very reportorial they'll
- 25:44just talk you know yeah very plain language about
- 25:46you know what's happening so that was kind of
- 25:49what's going on you know in this scenario a she's
- 25:52just kind of repeating this to kind of you know
- 25:56she's setting it in her brain this is a new piece
- 25:58of information this person is dead you know they're
- 26:01not coming back and so she's doing what she needs
- 26:04to do to process it i think we're the It's not
- 26:08a problem, but it's just, you know, the adults
- 26:10are the problem. We freak out when we see that.
- 26:13We're like, don't talk about death. Or, you know,
- 26:15with kids, when you talk about death, it actually
- 26:18is best to use really concrete language. You
- 26:21know, if you say to a child, a young child, you
- 26:25know, they passed away, they went to sleep. Kids,
- 26:28they don't understand that. So they may be afraid
- 26:31to go to sleep because they think, well, this
- 26:35person's no longer here because they went to
- 26:37sleep. So if I go to sleep, that may happen to
- 26:39me. So a lot of the euphemisms around death are
- 26:42actually confusing and frightening for kids.
- 26:44So when they can say they're dead, they died
- 26:48to us adults, that sounds terrible or like really
- 26:51harsh, but actually. That's kind of what the
- 26:54kids need. They're through play, or I've seen
- 26:59kids playing death Barbies. They'll recreate
- 27:01a car crash or a funeral scene, and the adults
- 27:04are freaking out. And I just say, those are the
- 27:08tools that young children have to process what
- 27:11has happened in their lives. good thing that
- 27:14they're doing that so are there any tips or pointers
- 27:19you can give parents who may find themselves
- 27:22in a place where someone important in their life
- 27:24has has died and like is there anything that
- 27:30they should look at with their kiddos to say
- 27:33hey at what point do I find them a counselor
- 27:36or do I do that in the beginning like Yeah, so
- 27:40I'm so glad you asked that because a lot of times
- 27:43I'll get phone calls from, you know, caregiver
- 27:46or surviving parent and they'll be like, her
- 27:50dad died yesterday. I would like a counselor
- 27:52tomorrow, for tomorrow. And, you know, and the
- 27:55child's six. And I'm like, well, they may eventually
- 27:59need a counselor, but like grief. And being sad
- 28:03about something is also a natural process. You
- 28:06know, we've loved and had a relationship with
- 28:08this person who's died. Like we're going to be
- 28:10sad. You know, there are a series of normal emotions
- 28:13that follow that. And so I don't want to make.
- 28:17you know grieving is not mental illness i guess
- 28:20that's something i really would like to to say
- 28:23and kids have a journey they're going to need
- 28:26to go through that now you know when and that's
- 28:30one thing i want to encourage you know people
- 28:31are always we're happy to do phone consults like
- 28:34people call us all the time we don't do individual
- 28:36counseling but we work with referrals to make
- 28:39sure that you know we can hook people up according
- 28:41to you know what kind of insurance you have with
- 28:44a counselor who's good with grief and the type
- 28:48of grief you know that this child may be experiencing
- 28:50so in cases where it was a traumatic death they
- 28:53may have witnessed a violent death or something
- 28:56like that you know it's maybe more likely that
- 28:59they will need right help of a counselor in some
- 29:02additional processing or um you know kids regrieve
- 29:06the other challenging thing of parenting a grieving
- 29:09child they regrieve at every developmental stage
- 29:12because it you know as they're brain develops,
- 29:15they're able to understand death in different
- 29:17ways. And especially deaths that are, you know,
- 29:22stigmatized, homicide, suicide, overdose, you
- 29:25know, they're gonna react to them one way when
- 29:28they're six and a different way when they're
- 29:3013. So I think, you know, helping parents understand,
- 29:35you know, for better or worse, this is a lifetime
- 29:39parenting gig. I know that that's hard to hear.
- 29:42And I remember when About six months after my
- 29:46husband died, you know, when I, the moment I
- 29:49understood that, and it was kind of one of the
- 29:50worst moments of my life because I'm like, we're
- 29:53never done talking about this. But I will say
- 29:56it's different and it comes in waves and stages.
- 29:59So it's not like it is the super heavy 24 -7
- 30:04thing, you know, for the next 18 years, if that
- 30:06helps anyone listening who's experienced a loss.
- 30:09You can get through it. I think my big advice
- 30:12is don't be afraid to talk about it. The other
- 30:15thing that I think is so important, take the
- 30:19child's lead. And I am the worst. victim of this
- 30:24you know they when this child you know the other
- 30:27night said grandma's dead you know i think in
- 30:30my past life you know i would have taken that
- 30:32as the moment to oh she wants to have a conversation
- 30:35about why do people die why is there illness
- 30:37and sadness in the world like i would make it
- 30:40into a big thing and literally all this child
- 30:42is doing saying grandma gave me this toy and
- 30:45she's dead now and like that may be all this
- 30:48child needed or wanted to say about this. So
- 30:51I think in some ways we as adults complicate
- 30:55it or make it so much harder. So I think like
- 31:00listening is the best thing, like active listening,
- 31:03you know, the parent can say, caregiver can say
- 31:07back, yeah, you know, grandma crouches dead.
- 31:10And then the child may want to talk more or that
- 31:13that may be all they needed. And so just that
- 31:15that active listening, you know, honestly, it's
- 31:18easier than trying to figure out what the child
- 31:21is needing. You know, they'll kind of tell you
- 31:24most of the time. So that's my best piece of
- 31:27advice, especially with younger ones, but also
- 31:29teens like let let them lead you in these conversations.
- 31:34That's good. all right we're running we run out
- 31:37i was i'm not done i know we gotta bring i have
- 31:41a lot more questions but um i'll come back anytime
- 31:44this is a big topic oh it is so big um can you
- 31:49tell us what the Kentucky Center for Grieving
- 31:52Children and Families can you tell us um how
- 31:56they can get in contact with you or if you have
- 31:58some i don't know community events coming up
- 32:02We do, actually. So on our website, www .kcgcf
- 32:08.org. But if you look up Children Kentucky Grief
- 32:12on Google, it'll pull it right up. There's information
- 32:16about our open family groups on August 20th.
- 32:20So in a few weeks, we have an ice cream social
- 32:22that's going to be over at the Whitaker Y Family
- 32:25Pavilion. And it's a free event just for families.
- 32:31who've experienced loss to come meet our staff
- 32:33hear more meet some of the families who come
- 32:36to our family grief support groups and see what
- 32:38that's like you know we work with kids so everything
- 32:41is play -based you know we know they're kids
- 32:43yeah and so we design you know what we do accordingly
- 32:48it's very hands -on and and kids still need to
- 32:52be kids yes and so i i encourage folks to come
- 32:56come meet us and just learn more about it because
- 32:58you know people hear grief support group and
- 33:00think because it sounds like, oh, I don't want
- 33:03to do that. It is. The sound I associate with
- 33:07our group nights is laughter. Kids are playing.
- 33:11They're just happy to be with other kids who
- 33:13are like them. They're not the different one
- 33:16in that space. And the adults create their own
- 33:20beautiful community. They're sharing babysitters.
- 33:23They're telling each other about, you know, getting
- 33:25together to do stuff with the kids. Like you
- 33:28mentioned, you're different after a loss, but
- 33:32I want people to know that different can still
- 33:35be good. Yes. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank
- 33:40you for being on the show. Leela. Thank you.
- 33:44Leela. You got it. I got it. I got it. All right.
- 33:49That's the show. Thank you for listening. Please
- 33:51tell your friends, share the show. We will see
- 33:55you on the next time you have been listening
- 33:58to Look Who's Talking.